My Favorite Reality "Star" - Joe Amabile
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Tasha. Tosh Show. Tosh Show. Tosh Show for show. Wop, wop, wop, wop. I'm what the culture's feeling. Kendrick coming with that smoke. Huh? So good. Tosh Show. Team Kendrick. I'm what the culture's feeling. I just like it when he says that. Yep.

You know, we all are descendants from a single tribe in Africa. So don't even say that I'm not black enough. You know, and then Kendrick, he's accusing Drake of,

Of pedophilia. Right. I mean, I don't know what's going on. Everybody is being accused of being a pedophile lately. Jimmy Kimmel got it. All Democrats. It's one of those things where it's like, is this always been the way it has been? But like now I have children, so I'm just hyper aware that there's just pedophiles everywhere. Or is it like when you break up with a girl and you think every song is...

It's just cutting a little different. I don't know, but apparently I'm just surrounded by pedophiles. Here's the thing. People always say, you know, like, oh, you should be a part of the roast when they do roasts. I'd much rather watch a rap battle because rap battles, there's consequences. You know, it's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to take a shot, literally. Yeah.

Did you watch the roast, Eddie? I did. I watched it. The whole thing? Watched, I think, I might have missed the very beginning. Haven't gone back to check it out. It's long. It is long. Did they do any jokes about Kevin Hart's height? Yes. That's the problem with the roast. They're just mean. People's feelings get hurt. If I was up there, I would try as hard as I could to cry.

That'd be great. Just see if maybe they'd stop. People have always asked if I will be on the roast. And I've, to be honest, I saw Jeff Ross the week before the roast, and he encouraged me. He said I should do one. He looks like he was in that Dune sequel. Yeah.

He does. You know who I'm talking about? Yeah. Maybe I'll hold out. You know who I want to roast? Seinfeld. Oh, man. Oh, man. Wouldn't that be a fun roast? Seinfeld. Here's how I would want this to go. I would want to be the host of this. I'd want to be the host of the Jerry Seinfeld roast, and then I'd want no comics to show up, and I'd want no audience to show up. Okay.

And it's just two hours of me looking at Jerry going, eh, this speaks volumes, doesn't it? Turns out you're not as loved by your peers as you once thought. Just so much lately with him just being up in arms about everything. You can't do this anymore. What are you talking? It's like me complaining. Oh, yeah. The kids today, then they're viral videos. They're just not as good as when I used to.

Make jokes about viral videos. In my heyday, a viral video, you know, you'd have somebody, a disabled person, fall down a flight of stairs and we'd just have a good laugh. You see how dumb that sounds? For God's made us living in observations. Fuck. Yeah. Just look in the mirror for a second and go, oh.

I don't want to become this person. He's been going after everyone. He's been going after comedians with podcasts. You're not that interesting. I couldn't agree with you more, Grandpa. I don't think I'm interesting. This isn't what I wanted to do with my life. What I wanted to do was get on a reality show. That was my goal. That's why I got into show business.

to someday get on a reality show. And last year, when Amazon came calling and offered me a chance to live out my dream, I jumped at it. Then I found out that they didn't want me on the show. They wanted me to host it. I was a little let down, but at least I was given an opportunity to meet my TV idols.

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You can see him now on The Goat on Prime, hosted by little old me. Please welcome Grocery Store Joe. Love Out the Spectrum's a great show. I just started watching it. Okay, so you weren't on that show. No. Okay, our research is garbage. Yeah. That's my fault. All right. Do you believe in ghosts? No. Okay. No.

Ever thought about changing your name to Instacart Joe? I honestly think I would have got more Instagram followers if my name would have been Grocery Store Joe. But my last name's hard to spell and pronounce. You probably can't even do it. Uh-uh. But did you think I always said Instagram versus Instacart? That's where my mind went, yeah.

That is where my mind went. I was just like, because Instacart's just a little more updated. Is Instacart still around? Yeah. Okay. You go to the grocery store? Serena orders off of Amazon. Right. So I'm plugging. Oh, look at you. I just plugged the show. Team. Team Prime. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in a town called Melrose Park in Chicago. You like Chicago? Yeah, I like it. Where dummies put pickles on hot dogs and call lasagna pizza.

I don't like deep dish pizza. No one does. And I take the pickle off my hot dog. What do you do with the pickle? I take a bite of it. Did you major in groceries at college? I actually didn't go to college. You didn't go to college? No. Not a day? No, I barely graduated high school. High school, huh? Yeah, I got through it. I got through it. You found high school tricky? I had the option not to go to college after. We all have the option.

I took that option. I loved it. Oh, we're in trouble as a country. In your opinion, what is the best grocery store? And don't just say Whole Foods because Amazon owns them. And they're the ones that made the goat. Available on Prime. Ah.

I shop at Whole Foods. Nice. Yeah. Whole Foods is not my favorite. Air One. I bought a $30 bottle of water there because I couldn't believe it was $30. Good for you. It tasted the same, but it was out of a well in Washington. I respect that you saw that it was $30 and said, I have to own this water. Air One's great. It's expensive, but it's- Who cares? It's just the girls that are in that store. It's just ridiculous. Every time I walk in there, I'm like, oh, holy cow. Air One is- And then I look down. I'm like, oh, there's my little wife. Come on.

Come on, honey. How small is your wife? She's tiny. Oh, really? Come on. When did you start selling marinara sauce? 2020 because it was during COVID. What's it called? Sundays with Joe. Sundays with Joe. All right. Pop quiz, hot shot. How much sodium is in one serving of your sweet marinara sauce? What is it measured in? What?

All right. Let's just go percentage of daily nutritional value. 30. Ah, 27%. Okay. All right. Yeah. All right. People may not know your story. You were on The Bachelor. You were a night one loser. Were you upset with yourself? You're like, oh, fuck, I made myself look stupid or no? What was The Bachelorette?

Whatever. Okay. You're on The Bachelorette. You're on Night One, and she kicks you out. Who was the girl? Becca. It was upsetting. It was upsetting. I felt embarrassed to go on in the first place just because I thought I was too cool. And then to be one of the guys that didn't receive a rose felt pretty pathetic. Did you talk to her that night?

Yeah, but I couldn't really form a sentence because I was really nervous. Like you've seen me really great on camera. Like I'm funny and I'm charismatic, but that didn't really come across. That didn't come across night one. People always come up, oh, I didn't get any time. Why wouldn't you just force yourself? You're on this show. Like I'm going to go right now and talk to this person. How do they keep some people from actually talking to them? They just say, it's not your turn. And then most people listen. But I had the first conversation. Did you kiss?

No. And then how long from when that night happened to when the episode aired? How long of a gap is that? That was like a, I want to say two months. And then the show aired and I thought I was going to look terrible. And I, I looked incredible. And then I, I trended on Twitter. It was a, it was all basically national news.

See, now I have a rule that I don't have celebrities on my show. That's why I'm shocked I'm here. I don't consider you a celebrity. You get famous for two minutes of airtime and you have this normal life, but now you don't have the finances to like...

shelter yourself from all the nonsense that's about to come your way. How was that? That's why I went on the goat. And that's why I own Bitcoin. You do? Let's talk about though. Isn't it weird? I mean, cause it's weird to be like all of a sudden now you're famous, but it's like,

If I'm famous, I get to go to my house in a neighborhood that nobody lives in. I close the wall to the gate. Well, something that I learned is attention is better than money. Oh, you're wrong. It's the opposite. Yeah. The money is great. You don't want any attention. Yeah. And then, you know, you don't make any money. And then they ask you to do other reality shows. How much money did you make?

on your actual appearance of The Bachelorette, that one single episode. Nothing. You don't get paid. Yeah, you do. No, you don't. There's unions. You have to get some money. You don't get paid. Bullshit. I'm not lying. You got zero dollars. Zero. You get paid to do Bachelor in Paradise, which was another show I was on. But you get paid to be The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. Yes. They get paid. But you don't get paid to be a contestant. The contestants don't get paid for being on a show. And I'm such a fucking idiot. I went to Gucci and bought a suit.

Okay? And then the suit, the suit, did it fit me right? No. And I freaked out the day before. So then I went to Tom Ford and bought a suit. And I basically spent like $9,000 in suits. It's too much. Okay. So you did that. Then a year later you did...

The Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, you were into that, what's her name? And that didn't work out with you, but you dated her for a bit. Do you guys get engaged? Who are we? The first season? I've been on plenty of seasons. Did you get engaged? No, we just, we dated. But she was a twin and she was into fucking dead animals. Yeah, taxidermy. There's a few red flags. That's all I'm saying. When you watch those shows, because your body's not great. What do you mean? Eh.

Like you're like a normal dude, but those, all those guys are, were you intimidated? They're all so jacked. I feel like, I feel like I actually have a nice body. Your body's gotten better. You don't think that doesn't look good on, on the, on the goat? No, no, no, no. Now that's what I'm saying. I'm saying probably from, from, from the first time you were on reality television until now, your body's probably gotten better. I still, I like to, I enjoy food. So I don't like, I'll eat, I like to eat a cheeseburger and I like pizza.

Sure. Yeah. I'm just, don't, I'm not, you don't be self-conscious. Like you're talking to somebody that's got an awful body, but those guys are all so jacked. Yeah. They care. Yeah. They really care. Like when we were, when you're in paradise, a lot of guys don't even drink beer because it's got carbs. Not me though. Really? Yeah. What a waste of a trip. Yeah. Why does everybody, uh, uh, clamor for a date card? Uh,

I would just be like, if I'm interested in a girl that's there, I just fucking want to hang out on the beach all day and try to make out. That's what I did. Right. Why do people care so much about going on a fucking date? Because they want airtime. Right. That's all it is. Yeah. I get it. And

And people are always like, Oh, how I've, I've made this joke before where people get like, how could you actually find somebody that you really love? And that to me is absurd because put me in any room. You can fall off. Eventually I'm going to fall in love with somebody in that room. I agree. That's just how, just how it works. So then you do the show again and you fall in love a second time. Uh,

With the girl. And now you're happily married. Yes. The end. And she's, what is she, 22 years younger than you? She is. It's a 10, 11 year difference. Oh, my wife's younger than that gap. At times it's 10 years and at other times it's 11 year difference. Mine's 12 and someone's 13, I think. Okay. Let me tell you, this always bothers me. Do people give you any grief or

marrying somebody so young? Yeah, sometimes. And I disagree with that. I think we're emotionally and, you know, we're on the same level. Well, I always think it's funny when people say, like, if a guy... It's usually a guy dating a younger girl. And they're like, oh, my... Like, what do you have in common? What can you talk to a 22-year-old about? I'm like, what kind of conversations are you having? Because I can fucking have the same conversation with a 22-year-old that I can...

I agree 100%. Then you did Dancing with the Stars too. Yeah, that was in between. Did you like that? Did you get paid a lot for that? You got paid for that, yeah. That was a nice paycheck. Six figures? Yeah. Mid-six figures? That's $500,000. $500,000.

No, no. And does it matter how long you stay on for those shows? You get paid more? Yes. So you get an upfront and then weekly, the longer you stay, the more you make. And I made it to the semifinals. What place did you get? Well, fourth or fifth. Do you enjoy dancing? I hated it.

Because I know, like, everything that I know about you and watching you do physical things, it's just, it's bad. No, it's not. Your balance is poor. My balance wasn't poor that day. It was my shoes. I didn't have flat shoes. Oh, shut up.

Fucking everything you said, it's not true. Your shoes aren't... Some people have good balance and some people don't. I have average balance. No, you don't. You have bad balance. Would you ever do Dancing with the Stars? I've done it. No, you haven't. Well, at home, I just dance. You just dance. Every night I dance with my wife. I'm like, enjoy this, honey. You're Dancing with the Stars. I like that. No, I would never do that show. I would never do that show ever.

There's a lot of shows that I wouldn't do. Would you do a, what shows wouldn't you do? Probably Survivor. I don't think I would do Survivor. Even though I say I would, I don't like the idea of not being able to brush your teeth in the morning. That's your deal breaker. Yeah, that's a big deal breaker. I think you're allowed to bring one item. You're a fellow degenerate. Would you consider yourself a degenerate or no? Depends on how you define degenerate. All right. Do you love, do you love to gamble? I enjoy gambling. Do you love it so much? Yeah.

Does it make you so happy when you sit down? I enjoy the first day. Like the first day in Vegas is usually my favorite. But I don't gamble outside of Vegas. I'm controlled. That's kind of how I am about gambling. I like that you can't do it everywhere. And I'm glad that California killed sports betting because I was like, oh, if that happens, I'm going to be a mess. I have on my phone. It's out there, but I have it in notes. I put don't sports gamble.

So. What's the most you've ever left Vegas up? 45. Oh, that's a good, oh, that's a good trip. And that was my bachelor party because I hit, I hit a slot machine. Oh. Such a dumb way to win money. It's like, it's not exciting. It's all, it's my favorite way because you don't even have to think. Okay. So we met on the GOAT.

which is a reality show that's out now on Prime. A month before the show began taping, I get an offer.

to host this show. I don't get offers a lot because I say no to everything. And I'm reading this and I had just had a baby. And I told my wife, I go, what do you think of this offer to go to Atlanta? And she's like, we just have a baby. You promised me that you'd like stay here, not do anything for this one. Because the last time my first child, like I was filming the day of,

on a, on, on Tosh. No. So anyway, I said, but listen, this could be one of these shows that works like it's silly. I understand it on paper. And if it is good, I'm going to be mad watching this 10 years from now saying I could have had that gig. It's only three weeks of work a year. She's like, we're not doing, I go, okay. I go, well, what if, what if they give us a huge mansion and

and a private jet to get there. I just started listing anything I could think of that would make her say, all right, let's take our, at the time, four-week-old newborn baby across the country to do this. So then we came up with this ridiculous list, and they kept asking me to do it. And I was like, all right, well, will you do all these things? And then they started saying yes. And I was like, oh, fuck. Carly, we're going to have to go to Atlanta. Yeah.

What did you make? Real money. Can I guess? Yeah. But more.

So I was like, should we do this? And then I kept saying, she was like, fine. So we go. And everybody stayed with me. I brought, like I added to my contract. I want my own writers. I want my own producer. I want my own whatever. Sounds like a dream. Right. And again, they were in a position. I don't know what they were going to do if I didn't do this. I was not first. Let's be clear. They had gone through people that had,

gone away and they were in a situation where like, interesting. And then they're like, Hey, we got him on the hook. He might actually agree to do this. And then they had gone too far down the road. I rented a mansion, but the most obnoxious thing I could find, but I rented this mansion mainly because it was, it had a crazy driveway and, uh, and the pool had a big, huge slide. I'm like, Oh, my son's going to love this slide. Meanwhile, it's one of those slides before, uh,

insurance companies got a hold of people and like, you can't have a slide like this because everyone got hurt that went down it. Yeah. My cousin by marriage, she broke her thumb on the slide. It was bad. The pool, the guy, when we rent this place, he goes, people usually just rent this place for like a wedding, not to actually stay in the house. Right. We're staying here for a month.

He's like, well, the pool, it's either the pool or the hot tub. We can only heat one temperature. And I'm like, well, we want a hundred degrees for the hot tub. He goes, okay, well that means everything's going to be a hundred degrees.

So this massive lagoon style pool with huge waterfalls, we had it a hundred degrees. It's like a hot spring. It was, but like, like algae was growing in it because it's not a good temperature to keep. This is just our house. This is the nonsense that's going on. Meanwhile, I've got a baby. So every night, you know, we're, we're shooting. They make you shoot these stupid shows in the middle of the night. I was there. I know. Right. But I'm having to go back.

Back to this other mansion 30 minutes away. Got for bed. Right? To stay up with a four-week-old. Yeah. Like, it was just a nuts. And everyone was going crazy. Here's how they sold me on the show. We're not making fun of people that are doing the show. And I was like, good. I don't want to do that show. I want to have fun. I want it to be lighthearted. I want it to be silly. But we're mocking people.

the whole genre of living together and competitions. And I was like, okay, that's what they sold me on. Yeah. And then the show starts coming out. I'm like, guys, you're taking this too seriously. Not you, the producers. And then like one time in the first event, you're like, Hey guys, can we all fucking calm down? This is, this is just a silly, uh,

Silly game. Yeah. Right. So then I was like, okay, Joe is one person. I got it. I understood. Right. Yeah. It wasn't meant to be. That's why when everybody's getting upset with people, like, guys, you're looking like idiots. Just fucking calm down. Do you remember how much they were screaming that first episode? It was insane. Can I ask you a question? Yes. Out of the contestants, who were you the biggest fan of before hosting this? Tayshia. And now after? Yeah.

No, honestly, though, for real. No, no, I was. Let's be honest. Although you weren't, it wasn't supposed to be you, I thought. I thought it was supposed to, when I had seen the first list, you were supposed to be, what's his name? Who? Who was the guy that married the Canadian teacher? Nick Vile. Yeah. I think you were supposed to be Nick Vile. So me and you were replacements. Or you were supposed to be Snooki. Yeah.

I don't know for sure. How much did they tell you about the goat before you agreed to do the show? They don't tell you much. They tell you how much money? Yeah, they tell you how much money. And I didn't know I was going on the show, probably because it was potentially Nick, until I want to say 10 days prior. And then they just really said pack colorful clothing. Yeah.

I made fun of your clothes a lot. I know. There was just one shirt that just, to me, it just looked like, you just looked so wholesome. It was brown and some stripes across the front. It's in the trailer, yeah. It's in the trailer. I thought you did nail it on the head. It looks like a third grade. There's no. All right. So you didn't know much about it. You knew how much you were getting paid. Now, do you get paid? Is that the same as like Dancing with Stars where you get a lump sum plus every episode that you stay in? Yes. Yes.

Yeah. So that's what, that's what brings the competitive nature out. And you know, it's like, it's like playing a board game. You know, once you're in it, you're in it and then you're, you're, you're there to compete. But you're, you're competing against some people like, like real housewives that, that certainly didn't need the money. So that's, that's a silly thing. Yeah. That was a problem.

It was because then, you know, like some could say, no one, we can't talk about that. You know, it's very hard to talk about a show that you can't talk about. We filmed the show in Atlanta. The producers, they're coming to me and they're like, hey, you know, we don't ever want you to mention where we are. Then the very first cut I see, the first credit that appears is,

is a big fucking logo of a peach with Georgia written above it. Oh, I'm not allowed to mention where we are? Why? Why can't we mention Atlanta? Because you want to make it like, oh, who knows where it is? It could be anywhere. They could be anywhere. I don't understand Atlanta at all. It was the fucking grossest neighborhood. And then there was just this random dirt road that went way back and this fucking

huge mansion that was built by a former Indianapolis Colts player. It had sit vacant, and so we rented to shoot this show, and it's meant to be a house. It's not meant to film a show with hundreds of employees just shitting, so the plumbing goes out. Just shitting.

The plumbing went out constantly. I don't know if you noticed that. No, I didn't. Your plumbing worked the whole time? We were fine, yeah. Did you ever go into the garage? They wouldn't let me in there. I tried to walk in there twice. So the garage, and it was like a 10-car garage, is just filled with just screens,

of every hidden camera in the house and all the people watching you. So I found that interesting to watch how the sausage was made. The thing is, I would be sitting downstairs. When I would come to work, I would sit in the basement and I would have a TV of all the cameras. And then I would have some people tell me what I missed, who said what and blah, blah, blah. So I could see everybody's little plans live. Like you, you always pretended to be like, oh, I'm just playing the dumb guy. But...

I saw you do a lot of dumb shit that was not planned. So, but I was good at making it seem like a lot of it. Okay. Okay. So then we get cuts of the show and you and I had had some banter. I was teasing you constantly. We had a lot of fun. Right. But they didn't put a lot of that stuff in there. How about, well, I can't even, I probably can't even say it. Say it. When I shot the firework backwards, is that in there? I don't think so. That was funny. I asked you if I was allowed, uh,

to call you. I said, I know this is a, a racial epithet, um, uh, Goomba. I said, could you explain to me what it is? And you explained it to me. And then I said, am I allowed to call you that if, if that is like it? And you said yes. And, or something, but it was so, there was some back and forth about it that,

That never saw the light of day. Wow. What does Goomba mean? I think it's a slang for like an Italian, but it means like, yo, oh, hey, I'm Italian. Well, it's not in the show. Okay. Some of the stuff I fought for, but like, here's the thing. We shot this a year ago. I know. One year ago. You look the same though.

Thanks. You're welcome. But they're like asking me to give notes on these episodes. When I give notes for a show, I give them one time and then I want you to take my notes. I know what's funny, what's not funny. Yeah. That's it. But these, 20 back and forth over a year. You think I remember?

What funny thing I said when you shot fireworks into your face? I can't remember every line. Now, am I saying that this show would be a million times better if they did everything that I said? Yes. But they, you know, other people have jobs, I guess, and they're supposed to just, it was just weird. Am I funny? Yeah, you're funny. Am I the funniest? I mean, it depends. I'm taking you out of the equation. No, no, no. I wasn't going to put you in my category. You're the funniest if, if, if.

Probably intentionally. And then other people, you know, they cut them to be funny. So then I'm probably the most talented when it comes to being funny. Did you win the goat? Did I win? Yeah. I can't disclose. You're so properly PR trained. What did the cast really think of me? I think they all liked you. I would say I liked you the most. Yeah.

That's why you're here. I enjoyed your presence. When you were there, it made me feel somewhat better about myself. That's nice. That's actually really nice. That's nice to say. Reality hosts are usually pretty dry.

Did you find me funny? Yeah, I just said, yeah. Funny how? Funny like a clown? You don't, that's. You amuse me? We're doing a bit there. Yeah, I get it. In New York, there's like a real estate company that does that bit around a poker table and they have like a 12-year-old girl do it with like a family and it plays in the cabs in New York. It's so bad. It's incredibly bad. I watch and I cannot believe somebody paid to make that. But you like it?

I actually hate it. I hate it. And I really want you to see it. It's the worst. All right. Okay. I'll find it. I'll watch it. I got a gift for you. Oh, really? Yeah. I love that. I always give people something that comes on my show. It's something from my house that I don't want anymore. Now this, this is, this is, you get, this is a two-parter. This is your wedding gift. Okay. This is a knife sharpener.

Come on, man. Is he here, Eddie? Yeah. Eddie's chiming in. Eddie bought me this. Eddie bought me this for Christmas a couple years ago. I've never once used it. It's still perfectly the cord. You can tell. Never used it. Eddie, what did you pay for this? This is a couple hundred. This is a couple hundred dollars. Never once used it. Never even thought of using it. And it's a knife sharpener. And I thought it'd be funny to bring it here for Eddie's reaction. So is this mine now? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know if you can fly with a knife sharpener. You can fly with a knife sharpener. I'll take it off your hand. It's a Model 15XV. Yeah, it's a good one. But that's not the only gift. That's not the only gift. Then, because I was teasing you about your wardrobe, and I know you like to gamble, I'm giving you this.

is one of my show jackets when I'm in Vegas. Zippers up there. It's from, oh, from Saks. No, it's not from Saks. That's just an old bag. This is nice. You'll like this. Oh, look at that. When you're in Vegas, you're going to love it. Go ahead. For me? Yeah, it's a jacket. Put it on. See if it fits. All right. This is great. I wasn't expecting a jacket like this.

Well, it might not work with that jacket on it. You might be broader than I thought. Yeah. I told you my body's not bad. I think if you hadn't, if you didn't have a jacket or anything, it could be good. How's it look? Well, it looks good now, but it looks weird with. Yeah. What size are you? I'm a 40. I 42. I don't know. I usually get them tailored. You're not, you're not a 42. Well, that jacket doesn't fit. This is a 30. This is a 38. No, this is Joe. What were your first illusion be?

Did you hear him? Yes. All right, take that off. Okay. You're going to love it.

What have you been up to since the GOAT concluded? Well, I got married. We had our wedding. But you were already married, right? And you just did like a formal one or something? We had a formal wedding in Charleston. I have a podcast. What's the name of your podcast? Happy Hour. It's like a bachelor podcast. But you don't own it? No. They just put somebody on it? Yeah. But are you making some decent scratch with it? I get paid for it. That's another thing I don't understand about these bachelor shows.

I always told my wife if she died, I would go on The Bachelor. I would want to be The Bachelor. But I don't think they would allow what I want to do. Yeah, well, I don't think you could come out and rearrange the way the show works. Everybody has to be naked.

There's no world where I'm going to marry somebody that I haven't seen naked in the daylight. Well, eventually you will before you marry her. Your wife, that's who you want. You want somebody that fucking walked off the show right before like the very end. Yeah, she didn't even want to get engaged when I asked her. Her season. What was the guy's name? Matt James. I watched that. Are you friends with him? Hold on.

Are you friends with him? Yeah, no, I do like him. Here's what I liked about Matt James. I remember the very first episode, he started by asking everybody to pray. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. This is awful. Yeah. We're all going to pray. All...

25 of you women that I hopefully get to have sex with. Let's first have a nice, and then the girls are like, oh, this is so meaningful. This is what I wanted. The most insane way to start a show that is basically built around debauchery

and we're going to have this nice prayer to start it off. All right, how's marriage been? Married life is wonderful. It's great. How long have you been married now? Two years. She's Canadian? She's from Toronto. She Canadian? Yeah. Oh, I'm making sure. Some people live in Toronto. But all right, so she's Canadian. I always say don't marry somebody from a different country, but I don't consider Canada a different country. Yeah, but there's a lot more to it than we initially thought. Oh, yeah? Like it is another country.

So like all, like you have to, you know, there's like immigration and... Is she going to become a citizen? Potentially. Potentially. Are you going to move to Canada? Right now we're trying to stay in the States, so we'll see what happens. But I do, I enjoy Toronto. Toronto sucks. You don't like Toronto? No. Oh, you really don't like it? Uh-uh. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. Give me Nova Scotia. Give me Montreal. Give me Vancouver. Sure. Sure.

But Toronto? Hard pass. Nova Scotia. Sure. Halifax? I've never been there. Nicest people on the planet. Interesting. Isn't that what they're known for? I think they're considered the nicest people on the planet. Whatever. One time I did a show there, they protested it. Wow. That's true. No, you can't spell for shit. Neither can I, though. I could. You could.

You want me to give you a word? Yeah. All right. Let's see how you do. Let me just pick a random word, and let's just see how you do on a single word. Bachelorette. That is the one word that I did. I screw that word up every time. I can spell the bachelor. Spell bachelorette. B-A-C-H-E-L-O-R-E-T-T-E. Mm-hmm. Bachelorette.

That's pretty good. Thank you. Were you scared? I was nervous. Why are you still not on Cameo? I feel like you're leaving a lot of money on the table.

I never wanted to do Cameo. You don't want to say happy birthday to people? I don't want to charge people for me to say happy birthday to them. Fair enough, fair enough. Can we give out your number and let people text you for free? I accidentally did do that. You gave out your number once? Yeah, and I gave out my Starbucks gift card once because I was trying to be nice.

for Christmas, like pay it forward kind of thing. And I put it on my Instagram and I filled it with a couple hundred bucks for people to get their coffees. And then every time I put more money in it, it would get whacked because people still had my number. Oh, man. Did you change it? I just don't use it anymore. Oh, man.

You get harassed, recognized, any of that stuff? I don't get harassed, but I still do get recognized. And are you nice to people? I'm very nice. I think it's fun to not be nice all the time, but I have a different reputation. Yeah. Like if somebody comes up to me and says, hey, I'm a fan. Can I take a photo? I'm like, no. And then I just walk away. Really? That's what you do? I'll do that sometimes because that makes them laugh. Yeah. Like you just scream. Do you go back? No, I don't go back. Fuck them. Wow.

I'm going to try that. You and your wife both do the podcast? We do it together. Are you guys both like lifers? Are you going to just keep doing different reality projects if they come along? I mean, if I get asked to do another reality show, I would entertain it. But we'll see. I mean, if it fits the schedule, sure. What's your schedule?

It's pretty open. Right. You're smart enough to realize, oh, this is interesting, and I'll take this as long as I can. Yeah, I'm riding this wave. I mean, listen, if anyone has taken a small little pop at fame and turned it into a career, it's you. Well, who else from the show are you going to ask on your show? You're the last one. And the only one, right? No, we've done them all. Oh, really?

No, yeah, see, I mean, think about it. I'm going to think about it. Think about what? What do you want me to think about? Why did you only ask me? I don't know. Because you see raw talent. Because you're silly. I'm a silly guy. Because you're silly. Because you're funny. Joe, thank you for being on the show. And congratulations on all your success. Look forward to watching you this season on The Goat. Thank you very much. Look at that handshake. So firm. Strong.

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Guys, I'm a professional comedian, allegedly. So believe me when I tell you I know what is and is not a joke. You know what's not a joke anymore? The economy, the climate, and most importantly, Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking.

Don't they sell those burner phones I used to call my mistress with? No. I mean, they did, but that's not what I'm talking about. Boost Mobile is a major player. Right up there with Verizon or T-Mobile. And now, they also have a legit nationwide 5G network. Boost Mobile has coverage across 99% of America. They are not a joke anymore, guys. Seriously. They are no setups, punchlines, callbacks, none of it. They are serious agents.

Laugh all you want, but Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever. You probably could find enough in your couch cushions if you're someone that lays on a couch with a lot of loose currency.

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Carl, do you find Joe interesting? He really tickles me. The first three episodes of The Goat are now available on, say it, Carl, Prime Video. They're available. The first three. Then every Thursday, a new one's going to drop. By the way, this is two days after Mother's Day. But technically, I'm recording this before Mother's Day. So let's just get this out of the way. That way...

I won't have to do it on Mother's Day. Hey. Happy Mother's Day! What are you doing? Trying to be the first? Oh, I'm the first. Mother's Day. Well, this is going to air after Mother's Day, so I'm doing it on the air, an official Mother's Day, the most meaningful. Well, you're first, but it doesn't count because it's not Sunday. Yeah.

How are you feeling physically? I'm fine, thank you. Except that I was very concerned because your sister and your niece and their family, they were under a tornado all night last night. So I was up most of the night texting with them and there, but they're all fine. So that's good. Oh, that's good. Is that it? That's it. That's it. Happy Mother's Day.

Thank you. Love you. Bye. Love you. Bye. Hey, I want to thank everyone that came out to the Dolby. That was a pretty neat experience. My poor son, I was going to exploit him. I was like, hey, do you want to do the intro for me at the Dolby where they do the Oscars? And he said yes. He was very excited. He had a joke planned and everything. He was going to walk out there. And the day of...

He was like, I don't know. He did. He's like, he just kept saying, I don't, I don't know if I feel like doing it. And then he started complaining about being sick. And I'm like, Oh no. I'm like, did I, if you have like butterflies, are you nervous? And I put this on you about doing this intro. And, and I, so I felt horrible.

I was like, this is awful. I'm a stage parent, like forcing my kid to do something that he doesn't want to do. And then there would be like waves where he's like, no, no, I really want to do it. I was like, okay, we'll just do it backstage. And I hand you a mic and you can do it. And you walk out and just take a little bow with me. And he did it. And it was funny. The biggest comedian in the world couldn't be here tonight. He's sad, damn hard-hearted.

He passed out immediately after in the green room and we're driving home and he just starts vomiting just all over himself, just all over us. And I'm trying to clean it up. Like we're like five minutes from home and it's just covered in vomit.

And I'm like, what have I done? I'm just sopping everything up. So that was, you know, the big night in Hollywood. I'm at a prestigious theater. I do a show and I'm just covered in my son's puke. Then the next day, I didn't feel so bad because like nine of his classmates had this bug and all of them had vomited. So I was like, oh, that's awesome.

It's not my fault. Not you. But he recovered, and I'm glad he did it because it's a neat little memory. He did great. Speaking of shows, May 18th, I'm back in Vegas at the Cosmopolitan. That is going to be exciting. My first time performing there. Get tickets. I also have other dates coming up. Louisville, Kentucky. I don't know. Where else? Detroit. Outside of Detroit. Columbus. Indianapolis.

Come on, Indianapolis. What's going on? BoysWearPink.com? I guess now it's time for one of my son's bedtime stories. Have fun with this nonsense. He was off the rails. And I don't edit these, but you'll notice my tone at the end of it is like, ugh. Hey, time for bed, kid. See you next week. Okay. Rhyme. A pterodactyl. We're flying the wings.

He tried to keep up with the other pterodactyls, but he tried it, but it was too rainy. He stepped out into the summer and took a choosy, and then an octopus came running out from the ocean. It blew, and then the pterodactyls fly into the pterodactyl, and they had to find it away. And now, this.

say we don't want to stay on and then it blows up out of the window into the sun and then and then another two that's what it is and then the other two that's what broke and then the other person

They are into your doctors and then they did and then they just rammed it to a side and then and then they were on a stick. They rode in a diamond with a bear on it. Hold on. And they turned it to that and they saw there were two. They were in a seagull? Oh God. Wrap this story up right now. The light blew away. The big gold thing helped it down.

Alright, get in bed.

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Guys, I'm a professional comedian, allegedly. So believe me when I tell you I know what is and is not a joke. You know what's not a joke anymore? Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell those burner phones I used to call my mistress with?

No, I mean, they did, but that's not what I'm talking about. Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever, so you can laugh all the way to the bank. Actually, don't laugh all the way to the bank. You'll look crazy. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost unlimited plan.