My Fictional Language Creator - David Peterson
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All right. So when did you create your first language? And by the way, some of your earlier languages, do you look back on and go, Ooh, Oh gosh. Yeah, of course. But I created my first language, my second, my second year at Berkeley. I mean, how many, do you put all the rules into it? Absolutely. You gotta, do you come up with swear words? Oh, that's usually what they asked for first. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Hello, it's me, your host, Daniel, and welcome to Toss Show. Now hit me with some smooth jazz. That feels right. Oh! You're going to keep going, I get it. Let it play. Alright, that seems like enough. Eddie, you with me? I'm with you. Good to hear. Let's start with our...

Favorite segment, Hello from Toss Show, where I send a personal hello to one of our subscribers. Now, this one comes from Stuart. He's a fan from the United Kingdom. Whoa! That means the Toss Show is Mr. Worldwide.

That's exciting. Stuart went through some tough times last year, but listening to my comedy has provided some degree of comfort to him. Well, I don't believe you, Stuart, but it's a very nice thing to say. Who else we got? James in Monterey listens with his dad on the way to school. Huh.

My dad and I used to listen to old Focus on the Family sermons. Equally impactful, I'd say. Focus on the Family. Yeah. Different times. All right. What's going on? The Oscars. Gearing up for the Oscars. Getting so excited. What's nominated for Best Picture, Eddie? So we got 10 of them. Whoa. Stop there, Eddie. You said 10. 10. Holy shit.

All right. Let's hear it. What do we got? We got American Fiction. Didn't see it. Anatomy of a Fall. Didn't see it. The Holdovers. Didn't see it. Killers of the Flower Moon. Didn't see it. Maestro. Didn't see it. Oppenheimer. Didn't see it. Past Lives. Didn't see it. Poor Things. What was it? Poor Things. Didn't see it. The Zone of Interest. Oh, God. Didn't see it. Barbie. All right. That's 10? That's 10. Guess what? Guess what?

I'm guessing. Guess out loud. I'm going to guess out loud. That's 10. You've seen three. I said didn't see it. Didn't see it. What the fuck's wrong with you? Idiot. I saw Barbie. I saw one of the 10. This is why I could never host.

for a lot of reasons. But one, the main reason is I wouldn't even want to watch these movies to write a joke about them. I saw Barbie. Oh, and here's the, here's what I loved about Barbie running time under two hours. I guarantee you what's the running time on all those movies. You don't have to tell me. I already know too long, but I saw Barbie.

And guess what? Enjoyed it. Didn't think I was going to enjoy it. My wife wanted to watch it. We watched it. I was like, oh, I love it. I love Margot Robbie. As most of you know, Margot Robbie and I would have gotten married.

Had it not been for the fact that my mother is also named Margo and that's a deal breaker. Hey, guess what? I just learned what the other day I had this pondering question and I was like, you know, I'm going to look this up and see if it's a thing. And sure as shit, it is. Some people, when they floss their teeth, I'm one of them. When you floss your teeth,

your nose itches. And I was like, this has to be a thing because every time I floss, my nose really itches. And apparently, according to this one study that was done, that there's some wires in your brain that get mixed up when you're flossing and it makes you think your nose itches.

Isn't that interesting? That is. I thought it was. What was I talking about? The Oscars? That's the problem. This is the biggest night in Hollywood, and I'm way more fascinated by my nose itching while flossing my teeth. No, I'm sure those movies were great, and the people, you know, they did a lot of hard work to make them, whatever. So there's nine movies. Did you see any of those movies? How many of the ten did you see, Eddie?

2.5. Oh, which one of those did you turn off halfway through? Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer? Oppenheimer, Oppenheimer. It's Oppenheimer. Whatever he is. I think we all agree it's Oppenheimer. Sure. Oppenheimer, hey!

I'll tell you what you should do. Instead of watching Oppenheimer, watch John Wick 4 twice and thank me later. Let's get this show on the road. If you watch the Oscars this weekend, you won't see today's guest. He works on movies and is the best at what he does, but the Oscars don't have a category for it, probably because his job is too stupid.

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My guest today has created languages for Game of Thrones, Dune, and dozens of other things I've never seen. He's a nightmare to play Scrabble with and has my favorite made-up job. Please welcome David. David, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. By the way, I haven't even seen everything that I've worked on. Well, you know what? I always hate to say this to people. I hate to be completely honest.

When it comes to movies and things like that, I haven't seen a lot and I don't enjoy watching a ton of stuff. Sometimes I'll watch something and I'm like, oh, that was good. That was great. But like, yes, I've never seen a frame of Game of Thrones and it's not my thing. But people always think I'm saying it because I think, oh, I'm too cool to watch TV. No, I could, you know, I could watch...

The Kardashians? Put that on. I'll find it interesting for a little bit, I guess. I like to watch sports. What am I going to do? I am who I am. No, I get that. I think that of all the things that I've worked on,

The only things I would have watched probably are the Marvel movies just because, you know, it was a big thing to go out and see the Marvel movies and Elemental, the Pixar movie, because I like watching the Pixar movies. Other than that, probably would not have watched anything that I worked on just on my own. You were a part of Elemental? Oh, you bet. So was Jesse, my fiancé. We both worked on it. Your names? Oh, Todorov.

Elemental has a place in my heart. Really? Because it's the first movie that I took my son to see in a theater. Aww. We looked at the lineup of what was coming out, and we were like, Elemental, that's going to be the one. And it was a big day. We built it up for months and months.

and we went to a theater and it was, it was like, it was the cutest thing in the world watching it. So now I care about that movie for the rest of my life. So you are a cunnilingus. Am I saying that right? Uh,

Con... What is it? No, it's not. Con-a-langer or con-a-lang... Con-linger. Con-linger? Con-lang-linger. Is that a real thing? It is now. It's in the Oxford English Dictionary. We got it in there. I have so many questions, but my first question that I ask all my guests...

Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely not. And I want to go on record and make sure that everybody knows, no, I do not believe in ghosts. Not one bit. However, I am absolutely terrified of them. That's the right answer. Thank you. How do I get into this bullshit career of yours? Right. You make up languages. First of all, you're highly educated.

Fairly. Like, did you really go to Berkeley? Because I don't believe you. And I'll tell you why. Sure. Just because I feel like you're in a profession. It's not like you're the governor. They're not going to really check. Like, they could just be anything written on your Wikipedia page. And I'm taking it as gospel. Yeah. But you're saying you did go. Yeah. Good enough for me. I've got some photographs. But...

No, like it's an interesting point you raised about language specifically and it comes to not checking because language is the type of thing where it's different from anything else that's going to be on a television show or a movie, right? If you're making a physical prop for a movie or a television show –

What it needs to do is it needs to look real on screen. It doesn't matter that the throne made out of swords on Game of Thrones wasn't actually made out of melted down swords if it looks like it was. And in fact, it was 3D printed. But it doesn't matter because it looks like swords on screen and that's fine.

A language, though, and this isn't just a created language. I'm talking about any language. Languages aren't real things. Right. They're all eventually or at some point were just made up. Yeah. And not only that, they don't exist anywhere. So if you think about English right now, we're both speaking it. We both understand it. But it's not as if it's somewhere.

It's not as if English exists somewhere and we can go check to see if what we said is really English. It's just English if basically you understand what I'm saying and we both agree that we're speaking English, if other people agree and understand.

And so there's no way to check or verify that something is real. I always use my phone for a word, and Google lets me know if I'm enunciating it properly. I did it the other day with inclement weather. Do you say inclement or— Inclement, right? Do you say inclement? No, that's another plausible way of saying it wrong, I'm thinking. I don't know. I don't know. Inclement? It's inclement. I don't know. Inclement. Inclement.

It's bizarre. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's bizarre because the truth of it, it's not like any of them is actually right or wrong. It's really just a percentage. So there is a percentage of people that say superfluous instead of superfluous. Okay. And that percentage is probably higher than people that say inclement versus inclement, right? But on the other hand –

Envelope envelope saying either one is more likely to be considered right by most people. It's not like one of them is incorrect. How does this get back to the fact that I don't think you went to Berkeley? Yeah.

Did anybody ever verify like your background? I'm just saying like that because you did. No, this is Hollywood. Nobody verifies anything. That's what I'm saying. It's so easy. Have you heard of dialect coaches? Are there lies on your Wikipedia page or things that aren't true? There is on mine. Shoot. Okay, let me think. There certainly was at one point in time. I put my birth date on Wikipedia because I often forget how. Wait, did you say Wikipedia? Yeah.

What do you say? Wikipedia. Oh, wow. Do you also say Pokemon? No, I don't ever say that because I'm a fucking adult. No, I'm definitely a Wikipedia person. Am I supposed to say Wikipedia? I say Wikipedia. Oh, man. Yes. I...

I always ask because I know – I have a Florida public school education. I know the hand that I was dealt. My apologies, yeah. And I know I say things wrong all the time, so I always stop when somebody says something different. I'm like, wait, am I saying it wrong? So I'm supposed to be saying Wikipedia. I mean, supposed to is a weird thing. I would say –

More Americans probably say Wikipedia, I guess, which just shows how mainstream it is. Let's get into the language stuff. So how many languages can you actually speak? And I'm not talking bullshit ones. I don't know. Like the ones that I feel good about just speaking little bits of... Tiny bits. Probably...

Five, six. Okay. I mean, that's impressive, but not like, oh my goodness. No, it's not. All right. So when did you create your first language? And by the way, some of your earlier languages, do you look back on and go, ooh. Oh gosh. Yeah, of course. But I created my first language my second year at Berkeley. I had been studying Arabic and Russian.

And I had to stop both of them because the next Arabic course is going to be offered at 9 in the morning, which is way too early. And the next Russian course is going to be offered at 8 in the morning, which is just even earlier than too early. So you were like, I don't want to learn Russian or Arabic because of the time of day that it was taught. Yes. Instead, I'm going to focus on Klingon. Right.

I started studying linguistics, which was really cool and really fascinating because it's a scientific study of all languages. And so you don't focus on learning any one language. You learn the patterns behind them. It was a lot of fun. I really took to it very easily. I did miss the language study, though. And so part of what I did was I started creating my own language.

to kind of incorporate elements of languages that I missed. Arabic in particular, I loved the Arabic language. Oh. It's just a delightful one. So scary. Not really. Not really. Grammatically, it works like nothing else I'd ever seen. What about jive? Do you speak jive?

Shit, man. That hunky-muffy mess my old lady got to be running cold upside down his head. Not a language. It's more of a... Okay, hold on. How dare you? When we say not a language, it's kind of like saying, like, is American English a language? The answer is yes, of course it is. But it's...

Not a separate language from English, all told. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. So it's like any type of a dialect, you know, is that a language? Like, of course it's a language. It's an instantiation of a language. But that dialect is not going to be a separate language from another dialect. That's why it's called a dialect. Talking in tongues. Yeah.

Are you jealous of them? No, that's, I mean, it's just complete bullshit. What? Yeah, absolutely. You're kidding me, though. That's a beautiful language. Can you decipher someone that's talking in tongues? Well, here's the thing. You can actually tell if somebody is talking in tongues if their native language is English, if their native language is French, and so on and so forth, because it's basically gibberish, but gibberish itself is...

has patterns to it. I was going to speak a lot of gibberish to you during this interview, but I won't. Do you want to know why? Because all of my gibberish tends to start to head very Asian for some reason. And I don't, I don't want to do it. Yeah. I don't know why it does it, but when I speak gibberish, all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm surprised you haven't been canceled because it does seem like every made up language is

Kind of teeters on a little racist. No? No, I don't think so. Now, I will say this. The people that I create languages for often tend towards some sort of racist, definitely. I usually try to kind of rescue it by putting a language in there that is more or less realistic. And the truth is that, I mean, languages themselves, they don't have any characteristics that, you know...

that reflect anything about a race, a region of people. I mean, there's the vocabulary items themselves, right? But nothing about the pronunciation, nothing about the grammar. All of that is just kind of cultureless, really. Did you know that this was what you were going to do? Had you met anyone that had done this before? No. Like many people, I think before like 2008,

2009 really or many people who created languages were they independently invented the idea some had heard about tolkien some had heard about klingon I hadn't happened to so so like many others I kind of independently invented the idea of creating my own language it was fun and then when I met others I was like oh crap now I don't have a corner on the market and are there is there tons of thousands are any of them successful

In what regard? Making a living. Somebody giving you more than a dollar. No, I don't think anybody else has ever made a living doing this. There's certainly other people that have been paid to do it, yeah, and it's growing. It's a growing field, but I don't think anybody before me actually made a living creating languages. Can AI just take your job away from you? Can AI do, like, just made-up stuff? AI can take anybody's job if the person employing them values the AI over a human being. So it's like, if you think about, like,

writers in Hollywood, it's like, well, if the producer doesn't care, absolutely, AI can take a writer's job. If they care even the slightest amount, they'll see what the AI is producing is gibberish. Okay. I stand with the producers. I

As a rule. Whoever's writing the check, that's who I stand with. But, you know, they've been doing gibberish for creative languages ever since Hollywood has existed. They're still doing it with Star Wars. In the Star Wars universe, they love their gibberish. Well, let me talk some dollars, okay? Because I need to know this. And I need you to answer it honestly if you feel like it. You don't have to do your own personal experience. But a real...

real big budget television show hires you to create a language. They can pay whatever. What's the rate to come up with a language? Never met. I've never worked on a television show or movie that wasn't strapped for cash. It was just like in negotiations with them, it would be like,

Oh, gosh. And I tell you, we just – the budget, it's just so constrained. We don't have a lot of money for right now. Every single one was absolutely destitute. And there's no union to protect you. Oh, God, no. Okay. Well, give me a ballpark of what I can think, you know, what I could go in as an asking price. Anywhere from like $400 to like –

100,000. And as for the whole project? Yeah, and everything in between. There's absolutely no consistency. But 100,000, could that be a project that only takes you a month to do? Well, that's an interesting question. So when it comes to creating a language, I mean, theoretically, theoretically, right, you could just do it instantly, right? Because language only exists in your mind.

And so if you can come up with all of this stuff and it coheres and you can remember it, right, you can just create a language just by snapping your fingers. Yeah. The problem is, will you remember that seven months from now?

Yeah. And so where the time comes in is recording all of this stuff so that you can reproduce it and others can reproduce it and it remains consistent. I mean, do you put all the rules into it? Absolutely. You got to. Do you come up with swear words? Oh, that's usually what they ask for first. Uh-huh. Yeah. Racist terms? Do you do that? On Defiance, I did. Young Gucci, I believe. My God.

Defiance was a great project where I created four different languages, four different writing systems. It was a whole bunch of different aliens that existed on Earth because they basically all crash landed there. And so like everybody spoke each other's languages or little bits of it. You know, there were there were swear terms. There absolutely were like racist terms for the other aliens from other aliens, from humans. It was great. What about the N-word? Did you ever have to come up with something for it?

I mean, not that specifically, no. Okay. Yeah. Well, I was just curious. I got to put it on my list of do not ever say or rap. Right. Do you hate Pootie Tang because you weren't involved in that movie?

I'm drawing a complete blank. You don't remember Pootie Tang? Sippy tie on the running high. This was 90s, right? No, it was Louis C.K. did it with Chris Rock. They produced it, but he spoke his own language and he had his belt and he would whip bitches. Was this early 2000s then? It might be. 2001. 2001, Pootie Tang came out. Oh my God. I was getting it confused with Bowfinger for a minute. No, no, no. Pootie Tang was all about a made-up language.

You've never even watched it? No. David, you should definitely watch Pootie Tang. I mean, just, I think comedically, because it was so, it was like such a disaster. Like, it did so bad. And then it became, you know, whenever they try to pretend that movies are, you know, good afterwards. But...

Valerian? Yep, Valerian. Which one's that? That was one of the languages from Game of Thrones. Can you speak all of these languages perfectly? No. I mean, I can pronounce them. My name is Daniel. Can you say that in Valerian? Let's see. That sounds beautiful. Oh, thanks. Sounds like Italian. Yeah. I can do it like, you know,

Orcishy, too. You have prosytonialis. There you go. Less beautiful. That's neat, too. Because I made a Duolingo for that one. A Duolingo course. Now, let's forget my name is Daniel. Let's talk about the fact that we can download an app and we can put in your languages into them. Just High Valerian, yeah. High Valerian? Yeah. Oh.

Hey, I didn't make that up. George R. R. Martin did. By the way, and that, by the way, is kind of BS. So there's this German, one of the dialects is called High German, but it's not called High German because it's fancy or precious or something. It's because it was literally spoken at a higher elevation. Oh, I thought you were going to just do a salute there. That was literally what I, it was, well, I know. I didn't know what you were doing. I was like, all right, okay, fine. You're going to edit this terribly for me, aren't you? No, I, I, I.

Again, you were fine. It was where I went that was wrong. How did you sell Jessie on this bullshit career of yours? Yeah, I know. So Jessie was – so she decided to start creating languages on her own like many people. Good grief. There's two of you? I know. Under one roof? There's so many. There's so many. But she was a professor of linguistics for many years.

And actually, it was pretty funny at the time. Like when I first met her or knew about her, I absolutely despised her. She didn't know this. Okay. Yeah, because – She won't listen to this. She was – that's fine. But she – so she had contacted me. I was involved with the Language Creation Society at the time. I was the president of the Language Creation Society and we were trying to kind of –

build ourselves up to get jobs for other language creators. And it was very difficult because honestly, we were fighting against Hollywood just doing gibberish. They're like, why should we pay you anything to do this when we can just write blah, blah, blah, blah, and be done? Okay, so that's what Hollywood does. If they don't want to pay someone like you to create a language, they just tell the actors to do gibberish. And it still happens. And that still happens. And sometimes they're good at it, sometimes they're not, or is it always poor? Oh, it's always poor.

Star Wars is the worst. Like, you don't have to be a linguist to figure it out. It's just like you listen. Star Wars uses gibberish? Oh, yeah, all the time. But that's a longstanding tradition for Star Wars. Okay. But it's just the type of thing where it's like that person just said the same thing twice and it meant something different. And we know that because of the subtitles that were given.

And so it's just like, I don't think a language can work like that. Have you met George R.R. Martin? Yeah. When's that...

Large old man going to finish this next book. So listen, George R.R. Martin, I really liked him, and he was really good to me. But I think there came a point where he decided, well, that's it. I'm not going to talk to this guy anymore. Oh. Well, I just want him to finish his next book so I can not watch that. He is done with me. Are you a big reader? Have you read the books? No. No.

Uh, am I a big reader? I mean, in that I like the words to be written really big on a page. Yes. Yeah. Um, but no, I, I'm not, not a big reader and no, I've never read any of his books. I, I, uh, well, I mean, I had to read them for, for the, for the show just so that I could say that I'd read them. Uh, I listened to them as audio books. That's not reading. Uh,

No, and it feels different, and your memory, your recall of it is different, but it could be done while I showered, and so that I appreciated. You can't read in the shower?

You got to get one of those defogger tablets. How come George has two R's in his name? What is that all about? George RR. That's a real asshole move if you ask me. It's pretty coincidental that both he and Tolkien have RR as middle names. Total coincidence apparently. Huh. What about Dune? Everyone says that's an amazing book. Was the movie good? DASH ARCADE CONCIETAL ATTRADITION TO THE PEOPLE

Oh, yeah. No, the movie was really good. Did you I mean, did you ever see that Blade Runner 2049? There's no way I did. I've never seen The Godfather. Oh, you know what? I saw The Godfather and and I could recommend that. That's that's it's a fun. It's a fun time. No, I know. It's just not my thing. It's like if you're I just don't.

I don't have three hours to watch this movie. And if I do, it's like that's not what I'm going to do with that three hours. Sure. It's the hand I was dealt. Yeah. No, I got you. No, Dune, the first one I saw, the first one was great. The second one, Jesse and I worked on it together. And it's going to feature like –

a ton of my language. Wait a second. Wait, your language, not Jesse. Don't get any credit for it. Okay. So technically I created it right because, uh, Jesse didn't work with me on the first one, but she worked with me all throughout the second one. And she probably knows, knows it now, uh,

better than any of our others. So now it's kind of like her into the deal to get her onto the show. I, I will shoehorn Jesse and everything and they will thank me afterwards because that's how good she is. Well, that's what I say about my team, but I, they're furious every time. God damn, we've got to employ all these assholes. Yeah.

How long did it take Kurt Russell to learn Yule-ish? Bjorn, Lana, Vicky, Bracken, Hushen. Oh, man. So that's funny. I was there for the voice recording for that movie, The Christmas Chronicles. He did a pretty good job. But it's like basically he just heard my audio recordings and did them. You know, most of the actors on most things I work on, the recordings are good enough. They hear the recordings. They do them. They're pretty good.

So you realize that, I mean, you know this, that acting is really, it's just dumb. Like, they just are repeating words. But how many times do you see the Academy Awards nominate some eight-year-old girl that had never acted a day in her life, and then she's up for the highest honor in the world? And that can only happen in acting. You can say her name, Anna Paquin, we all know.

I didn't even know who was talking about it. But you get the point that I'm making there. I agree. There's some great actors, and by some, I mean Christian Bale. And then everybody else is like, all right, we get it. You looked the part. And if you didn't look the part, well, then put...

put on a big nose and pretend. I really appreciate, and I should say this more to them, I really appreciate when the actors just do the work of listening to the recordings that I've done, listen to the inflection that I've given it, and do their best to make it sound believable and authentic. Most of them do. Some of them are absolutely excellent. And then just the one or two that are just absolutely terrible and clearly think that...

My job is just the dumbest thing in the world, and they can't even believe they're being asked to do something so embarrassing. That's the embarrassing part, is doing the made-up language? Yeah.

Versus sitting in makeup for three hours and then playing dress up and then, you know, for 10 minutes saying one stupid line 40 different times and then getting paid a shitload of money. Oh, yeah. So grueling. Yeah. What actors were you referring to that are just horrible and obnoxious? Go ahead and say their name. Man. Say their name right now.

There's one in particular I think, you know, I shouldn't say. Okay, well, it's a hymn, so we have a hymn. Okay, now let's get a race. Let's get a race out of you.

Do super fans of these shows and movies ever contact you and try to debunk or tell you that you are wrong or blah, blah, blah, or find air in what language that you've created? Oh, sure. No. In fact, there was one of the most peculiar errors that ever happened in

It was the last season of Game of Thrones, and there was a very short scene in which Daenerys, one of the main characters, asks one of the Dothraki warriors who are taking care of the dragons. Don't ruin it for me. I haven't seen it. It's a minor thing. Just ask him, taking care of one of the dragons, how many today, referring to how many Anoraks

animals did the dragons eat? And the answer was, you know, in Dothraki, something like, I think it was like three sheep and 11 goats. Anyway, I get this tweet from somebody saying, like, while the show is still airing live,

He says, that Dothraki didn't sound right. Okay. Right? And so I go back afterwards and he was correct. The Dothraki was incorrect because the Dothraki they asked for and that I gave them was three sheep and 11 goats or something like that. The subtitle, which they changed later, said 12 sheep and 14 goats.

Okay. So they were like, they gave me this line, say, translate this to the Rockies, three sheep and a lemon goats or whatever. I translate for them. I send it back. At some point in time in the production, someone said, that's not enough sheep and goats. That's a network person. They're like, nobody's going to believe this. The fans are going to be like, what? That's like, that's way too few sheep and goats.

But they were like, but it's not important enough for us to go back and ask for a retranslation. Let's just change the subtitle. It was that important to them how many sheeps and goats there were, but not important enough to actually get the Dothraki correct. In fact, it may have even been in post-production after the line was already done. Here's what I learned about Game of Thrones from just this that I never knew. There's dragons.

Yeah. I never knew that. I never knew there was, I didn't, I didn't know there was dragons. Yeah. I mean, maybe, maybe you tell me that and maybe I'll get interested. Game of Thrones was for dragons. What Jurassic Park was for dinosaurs. Oh, Jurassic Park. There they are. I don't, I don't like that either. Yeah.

It's stupid. Can I tell you about my favorite part of Jurassic Park? Mm-hmm. Okay, so this is at the beginning. I don't know how well you remember this movie, but they're digging up dinosaur bones. For whatever reason, there is a group of people there, and he's explaining to them like they were looking at a raptor skeleton, and he says, look at this. See, this bone right here. It looks like a bird. Then from the back, there's this little kid who says –

Why should I be afraid of that? It just looks like a big turkey. So first of all, I want to stop right here. Okay, good. Evidently, because Laura Dern and Alan Grant, they share a look and...

They share a like, here we go again, look, as if this is a very common occurrence that they on this archaeological dig often give talks to people who just come by regular ass people. Often there are kids in there. And often what the kids say, they're like, come here thinking like dinosaurs. I'm supposed to be afraid of these. And so then what happens is that Alan Grant turns around and starts to describe in detail using like a raptor, you know, claw technique.

of what the raptor would do if he found him. He says that he would eat you, maybe slice your belly. And the point is you would still be alive. And at that point, it's like, okay, you did it.

You frightened the child, which of course was your point as an archaeologist. This is what you were supposed to be doing. Well, he was a smart aleck, and so you got to put him in his place. I suppose so. I think that's where they were coming from on that one. But it was – this is something that happens all the time apparently by the logic of the scene. Well, listen, if you want to talk unrealistic, let's talk about the karate kid.

I mean, because the fact that he was in Reseda and these rich kids on the other side of the hill and they interacted constantly and then they're on the beach and riding bikes back from the beach to get to Reseda. I mean, do you have any idea how long of a fucking bike ride that would be? Taking Topanga? Jesus Christ. It'd be a four-day pedal. I never thought about that.

Thought about many things about that movie, never that. Anyway. It just seemed far. Now, see, David, you come on to my show and I appreciate it very much. But then I was like, oh, I have to give everybody a gift for coming on the show. Oh, that's really nice of you. Well, save it.

So today I was like, what should I give you? I got you a Nest Mini by Google because I think it's perfect for you because you can just, anytime you're in your house, just say, hey, Google, how do you say? And that'll help you out. So I don't know who, why I own this, but now I don't. By the way, I'm not sponsored by Google, but man, I would love it if you would, Google, sponsor me and I'll fucking...

Tell people your shit is worth keeping and not giving away. Thank you. That is wonderful because I actually have a couple of these things, and now I can just tie it in. Oh, I've already got it. It looks a little sleeker than I thought, to be honest with you. I mean, look, it hooks to Spotify. That's great. Yeah.

You and your fiance have a YouTube channel where you make languages for animals, or what is this? Yes, we do. All right. So I had this board game idea that I've been working on for years. Do you like board games? Love them. So do I. Absolutely. I mean, I like some of them. I don't know if we'd like the same ones. Okay. Anyway, so it was just going to be a series of anthropomorphic animals fighting each other. And in order to do that, I was like, well, the animals need to have names. And in order for them to have names, they need to have languages behind them.

And so I thought, well, wouldn't it be fun if we just did this the long form way? And what we do is for two hours every Thursday, we sit down and we – I'm out.

And just go week by week, build it up, and pretty soon you see how it's done. It sounds like a complicated game. I'm not going to enjoy it. Yeah. I like simple games. More like Sorry. I don't have to be that simple, but I do enjoy Sorry. Okay. Although I find it...

a bit tedious. I don't think we need four pawns. I think two would be plenty to speed this shitty game up. I'm always reshuffling. I literally like try to like help my son win. But anyway, um,

You know what game I really hate? That Ticket to Ride. Oh, Ticket to Ride? You don't like Ticket to Ride? You want to know what I hate about it? What do you hate? I hate the board isn't very solid. It's kind of flimsy. And then the light plastic pieces barely stay where they're... Anybody bumps the table at all and fucking my long run is shot.

I hate the game. I'll be honest with you. I hate the game, and I hate the game. That's why I like – what's the game that I like? It's very beautiful, the heavy pieces. It's like the four – what's it called? Quarto. You ever play Quarto? No, I haven't even heard of that. Quarto is beautiful. Okay. It's a beautiful board. The pieces are beautiful, and it's really good on the mind. Anyway, whatever. Quarto. I like Quarto.

You play Monopoly Deal? No. Oh, man. You've got to play Monopoly. Now, that's not exactly a board game. It's a card game. Okay, okay. But it's like Monopoly, but they found a way to condense it to where it's like 10 to 15 minute games. Oh.

And it's amazing. Oh, is it amazing? Rummy Cub? Or do you say Rummy Cube? Rummy Cube. You say Rummy Cube. Oh, you're the expert. I'll say Rummy Cube for the rest of my life now. Yeah. It's not Rummy Cub. It's Rummy Cube. No. And for that one, I think that we actually, I don't know if I heard somebody say it, but they might say it in the rules. There's a few things in the rules that are debatable. Okay.

It usually involves the Joker. Is it called a Joker? Yeah, maybe it is. But you have to use that tile with two from your board. But can you end? What if you just have one Joker left as your last tile? Can you play it anywhere? I think you can. There's a few things that I don't understand. Right, right. Opossums? You have a language for opossum? We sure do.

That was when I learned how... You're insane. That was when I learned that possum was short for a possum. I thought that was the real word. No, there's two different ones. There's not. Well, first of all, there are two different possums. There's the Australian one and then the American one. I thought there was one called possum and one called opossum. No, possum is apparently the shortening of a possum. I thought a possum was the lengthening of possum. I don't think it's a possum. I thought it was opossum. Yeah.

I don't think you, no. Opossum. It's not opossum? Damn, I'm stupid. I think that sounds to me the way Wikipedia sounds to you. By the way, is it Florida or Florida? I don't care. How do you say in Dothraki, I'm beginning to believe that marrying you was a mistake? No, I don't need that. Yeah, I actually have no idea. David, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. All the best. All right. Thank you so much. Talk to you soon. Yeah.

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We'll be right back.

Guys, I'm a professional comedian, allegedly. So believe me when I tell you I know what is and is not a joke. You know what's not a joke anymore? The economy, the climate, and most importantly, Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell those burner phones I used to call my mistress with?

No, I mean, they did, but that's not what I'm talking about. Boost Mobile is a major player right up there with Verizon or T-Mobile. And now they also have a legit nationwide 5G network. Boost Mobile has coverage across 99% of America. They are not a joke anymore, guys. Seriously, they are no setups, punchlines, callbacks, none of it. They are serious assholes.

Laugh all you want, but Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever. You probably could find enough in your couch cushions if you're someone that lays on a couch with a lot of loose currency.

The Boost mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost unlimited plan. Are you catching the big game or making big mods? Going on that first date or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show or watching install videos? When you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious.

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And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. Well, thank you, David, for being on the show. Or should I say...

Carl, did you enjoy that made-up language David was talking about? Guy's a nerd. I mean, in the nicest way possible, but just kind of a nerd, huh? Anyway, a few updates for those of you that care. I remember my car guy, Marty, I asked him if he could find an E30, green, manual, convertible. Mission accomplished. Had it for a few weeks now. Carl and I love it.

Take drives up the PCH. Carl keeps his head out the window. And I'm just feverishly texting, just praying everything goes away. Another update, Rock, the drag queen. Oh, that was an episode that divided the nation. Just want you to know that he did receive that big wooden. And he's enjoying that piece of furniture now.

I'm sure he is. Okay. Time for some plugs. Boyswearpink.com, my charitable clothing line for toddlers. Check that out. Don't forget to tune into The Goat whenever the hell that show comes out. What else do we have? My tour dates coming up. Looking forward to performing in NorCal. And where else? The Midwest, Kentucky.

Ooh, that'll be fun in Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, Vegas. That's not the Midwest. That's West West. Going to be at the Cosmopolitan. My first time there. Not my first time. My first time performing there. Okay. Well, you might as well get ready to take a nap because it's time for my son's bedtime story. See you guys next week.

Once upon a time, there was a playground. Everyone loved the playground. It was so, so fun. But one of them didn't like it. They only liked it when they turned the lights on. It was so fun. And then the police came. The police died. And they were knocked out. And the police got bitter and bitter.

and bigger until they had a little home because it was so big. What got bigger? The park. The park? Yeah. The park got bigger and bigger? Yeah. What does that mean? That means it like, it like, flashed in the sun and hit all the cars. But then it got bigger and bigger. How was the park getting bigger and bigger? Like, I don't know, tornadoes hit it maybe?

That made it bigger and bigger. It was a whole area. I didn't know why. I didn't know the sun. Is this a true story? Yes. I know, I know, I know, I know. That's scary. The end.

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Guys, I'm a professional comedian, allegedly. So believe me when I tell you I know what is and is not a joke. You know what's not a joke anymore? Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell those burner phones I used to call my mistress with?

No, I mean, they did, but that's not what I'm talking about. Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever, so you can laugh all the way to the bank. Actually, don't laugh all the way to the bank. You'll look crazy. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost unlimited plan.