Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Welcome back, everybody, to episode three of Wholeheartedly with Kendall and Gailey. We are so excited to be here. Thank you guys for giving us the space to do this. And we have a lot to talk about today because this is the relationship episode. Yes, the sordid relationship past of both Gailey and I, which actually sounds like a true tragedy and epic, which in some ways it is, but I think we found our way to a nice
pleasant, happy, fulfilling place. But it was a journey.
Quite the journey. Quite the journey. There's that word again. We can't get rid of that word. Journey. Journey. We just keep using it. But guys, this is the ghost of boyfriend's past. And we're going to be talking a little bit about some of the trials and tribulations we've been through and how we got ourselves out of them. In some cases, it took a little too long to do so, but lessons have been learned.
And tea is going to be spilled. So let's first talk about something really happy, which is our current relationships because we both have significant others. Kendall, can you talk through why his name is Shadow Man on the pod?
Yes. Okay. So listen, I have been kind of, I guess you could say, in the public eye for like five years. I was in a relationship previously and didn't understand that once you put things on social media, it becomes everyone else's business. So I made a promise to myself after that relationship ended, and it kind of made it 10 times harder to end that relationship because so many people knew so much about my personal and my public life.
I was like, I'm going to be really thoughtful. When I find the right person, I'm going to really take my time in revealing them whenever it feels right. However, I screwed that up for myself very quickly for like 20 seconds. He and I were down in Soho on like a date day. It was gorgeous. It was like a cold winter day. We're like shopping in different places, just having the best time. And I was taking videos of us just so I had him on my phone. And I accidentally, because I'm an idiot, posted it directly to my story.
No. I know. Again, it was one of those like I loved it because I was like, I like to use this filter on Instagram because it makes all the blues really blue and it kind of looks like it's on a film camera. Anyway, so I was using that and I'm an idiot. And so I didn't hit the save button. I hit the post button thinking I was like, oh, it's fine. It's on close friends.
Well, I started getting text messages literally within like maybe two minutes of, oh my gosh, are you with a guy? You post it. Kenny, take it down. Take it down. You post it. I was like, oh my gosh. So I'm freaking out, like having a panic attack on Spring Street, thinking, oh no, we're still early stages. He didn't officially ask me to be his girlfriend yet, anything like that. And I am blaring this man's face onto the internet without his permission. Wow.
So I immediately take it down, all of that. But then there were still a bunch of DMs. I think like, I hate to say it, I want to say like 15, 16,000 people saw it and didn't post in a while on stories. And so I was like, okay, what do I do? So I had a photo that I took of us of just our shadows. And I did a carousel post later that day of like going through Soho and all this stuff, trying to kind of hide it. But then I just put the photo of his and my shadow together at the very end of the carousel post.
Thinking, okay, I can acknowledge it, but then we're going to act like it didn't happen, right? It's not like a complete fever dream where people are going to ask more information. I'm giving them a little something so they're not going to be mad at me. Well, that then in the comments started, people started calling him shadow man because he has this really tall shadow because he's super tall.
So anyway, lo and behold, time has gone on. I still have not revealed his face to the public. I still have not revealed who he is because I really love him and I want to protect him from the crazy world that is my world as long as possible. And he is now knighted as Shadow Man. And we're going with it. What I can tell you guys about Shadow Man is that he adores Kendall for all of the right reasons. And they are...
so loving and sweet together. I am obsessed with just being in the presence of you two together because it's infectious and it makes me so happy for you and you freaking deserve it because you have been through the ringer, especially over the last year or two that you've been single, just hearing all your first date stories. It's been...
It's been a roller coaster for me as your friend feeling it for you. So you landed in a good spot and I'm obsessed with Shadow Man. So thank you to him. Thank you. It happens. The right one does come along. It is that annoying. I hate it. That cliche. When you know, you know. It's the most ridiculous thing to hear. But then once it happens, you're like, oh, yeah, dang. I don't know how else to put it. That's a great way to put it. But same with you because we've been friends for many years and I
Good Lord. You could write a book, a book, an encyclopedia. Everything you've been through has brought you to this point. But wow. I mean, some of your past relationship experiences, not only are you a badass, but I think that's why is that you can build a home, but you can also get through a lot of challenging things simultaneously and still be this like giving, loving human being. You should not be as giving and loving as you are given everything you've gone through. And it's one of my favorite things about you. So thank you for the love on Shadow Man.
And I feel like we both have lots of probably very interesting first date stories. But I want to hear about how you and Dale met because I know it was pretty iconic, but I need a replay. So people know me as a DIYer, a do-it-yourselfer. I kind of call myself a DIMer, do it myself. But I'm also a DMer, and that's what happened with Dale. I slid into his DMs.
I DIY'd that so hard. I was listening to a podcast during the pandemic, which was the first time I'd ever listened to a podcast. I'd never been a podcaster prior to like 2020. And I was walking the dogs and it was a really old one from like
2016 or something on Girls Gotta Eat and great podcast with Ashley and Raina. And they were interviewing this guy, Dale. And this was before he'd been on The Bachelorette and won it. And I don't watch that show. So I had no idea that he ended up getting engaged and being on a TV show. I just heard him coming from the place of being a retired athlete,
and an entrepreneur. And I love the way he was so well-spoken and humble. And he revealed enough without
revealing too much. I like the way his mind works. So I sent him a DM, which ladies and gentlemen, if you are attracted to somebody and you have an interest there, shoot your shot. What's the worst thing that can happen? They say no. Okay, great. You're still in the exact same spot, right? And what's the best thing that can happen? You have an amazing relationship.
So here we are two years later. And well, I guess, no, it wasn't 2020 then because we've been dating two years. So it was like 2020, late 2021. And, um,
And so anyways, I sent him a DM and all I said was, hey, I just heard you on a podcast. I love the way you think. If you're ever in South Florida, I'd love to grab lunch. He responded literally within the hour and was like, yes, absolutely. And then a month later, he's like, I'll let you know next time I'm down there. A couple weeks later, I just filmed the pilot episode of our show and I was exhausted. I could barely walk.
And he shoots me a DM and he's like, hey, I'm going to be in Miami. You want to grab dinner? And my body was saying no, but my mind was saying, hell yes, yes.
And so I showed up and he was like, after dinner, we had this amazing dinner. And afterwards, he's like, you want to go for a walk? And I was like, no, I can't physically walk. Like I need to sit down on this bench right here. So we just sat down on a bench and talked and I took my shoes off because my body was hurting so bad from filming for five days without sleeping. But I just felt like I needed to go on this date. And the thing that I'll take away from that first date is that, and I haven't shared my story.
dating history and my broken engagement with you guys yet. I will when I'm ready. It's just really, it's really hard for me to talk through because I have to relive it. But I've been through hell. And part of what got me there was being secretive about the things I was struggling with.
And so I was like, okay, if you do the same thing over and over, you can't expect a different result. And so in this relationship, even though it was date one, I spilled all my jelly beans.
literally on that date. And I was like, look, I struggled with an eating disorder. I have really high anxiety. My engagement ended because of X, Y, Z. And, you know, I've really battled this, but also I love really hard and I'm obsessed with animals and, and in
intimate conversations and and it and it and it made it created a space for him to feel like he could also just kind of spill all his jelly beans so he did and then he talked about his broken engagement and stuff he's struggled with and and his family and stuff that they've all gone through and it just ended up taking our first date ended up feeling like what would normally be a 10th date because we both got so deep so fast and I realized that by sharing all of the worst things
like that I struggle with, it didn't turn him away. It actually made him feel really close to me. I think that's so beautiful and that's so true. And when you go through so many challenging relationships that lead up to a great one,
So much of it, and I can totally attest to this, was like I felt like I was performing in relationships before. Like I was hiding myself or I was being the girl that I was supposed to be. Again, like that expectation, that like kind of shame thing. And there is something so refreshing. I hate to say this, but with going through hell and getting to the point where you're like, you know what? This is me.
This is my baggage. Very similar. Same thing I did with Shadow Man really early. I just said, look, like I'm super open about my mental health. I have anxiety and depression. I have goodies. I have bad days.
This is what I want to do in the world. This is what I love. This is where I came from. I was totally cheated on in the last relationship and didn't realize until the other girl ran into me at a bar restaurant in Nashville. That was wild. And I was fresh out of that. And I hadn't dated for a year and a half because it just was so scarring and it just really made me go internal. Yeah, we'll get into that one at some point. That one is wild. That one's Looney Tunes. That one pissed me off. I was ready to throw down. Yeah.
Yes. And the way that it – I was gaslit into thinking that it was because he was grieving and not because he was hiding another relationship with not only one woman fully but quite a few other women in different stages, which I found all the receipts of. If there's one thing, I'm thorough. Honey, I will find it. I will find it. Anyway, we'll get to that at some point. What we're talking about. Wait, hold on. Hold on.
Kendall, this is your new tagline. Kendall, she'll lose her planner, but she will find you. That is so true.
That is so true. I will find everything. You need a detective between me and I will say my mom. Susie is she should have worked for the FBI. She should have worked for the FBI. You need to know anything on anybody. You have a hunch about something. She found that one of the developers for the place that I that I have in New York, New Jersey, that he was a criminal before. And that's why he wouldn't come and fix the leak. Like she is diabolical. So, yes, I definitely see a Susie. We should have her on retainer.
Oh my gosh. I need her to find some of my haters on social and just like track them down. I've had to do it a couple of times. It's
it's awful. Yes. And she's found one or two and she can, she knows how, like she doesn't dox people and put it out in public, but she knows exactly who they are. It is unbelievable. So yes, we'll have to have CIA Susie. Well, that'll be her like part two of her life having kids. She's like, okay, you need something? You need something found out? I'm on it. Let's go. I love it. Yeah, she's iconic. You know that. She loves you too. But
It's so interesting when you get to that point where you're so fed up and you're sick of putting on a mask and you're sick of these relationships going sour and you just allow yourself to be seen and you lead with that vulnerability. And what's beautiful about that is because you already go to that nth degree, you already set the stage and that kind of field.
Where somebody can come up and show up and be exactly themselves because you already volunteered at first. And it's such a powerful thing to do. And it really, I think, is the basis for wonderful relationships if they're romantic, relationships if they're friendships, business dealings.
As scary as that can be, you know that you know your heart and you know how you operate in the world. And if someone's going to love that, they're going to be with you. And if they're going to take advantage of that, they're going to show their hand and it'll all come out in the wash anyway. So you might as well just be bold with it. And to your point earlier, if you show up as the person that you think they're going to like the most and be the most attracted to, and that's not the most authentic version of yourself, then you're not going to be the person that you think you are.
you're only hurting yourself because either A, you're going to have to keep this charade up forever, which is exhausting and an awful life for you, right? And then if you start to become more of yourself and less of this idealistic version of yourself, which is actually what happened to me in my engagement,
then they might not want to be with you and you just wasted so much of your time and theirs. And so in the end, living for yourself and showing up as yourself in your relationship is one of the greatest, strongest things you can do. It is an energy and I encourage you bring it. Yeah, exactly. Point blank, done, and yes, slap the book down. That is it. Like that's so true. It's the power of showing up authentically as yourself.
It takes so much courage, but it's really the only way to keep growing and keep evolving quickly in life into the true person that you are. Otherwise, everything else is a distraction. It holds you back from really stepping into that power. So I'm with you on that. So speaking of dates, ooh, do you have something? This is something I've realized as I've gotten older, which is that I used to be attracted to the bad boys.
The guys that didn't text you back right away. The guys that didn't call you. They only texted. The ones who kind of left you on read for a couple days and then would swing in when it was convenient for them because they had no other options. A lot of professional athletes in my dating background, and they've got a lot of options, right? And I almost felt this proclivity surge.
to win and get them because it would make me feel validated that I am enough. Because if somebody with so many options chooses me, then I must be worth something, right? So it was really stemming from my own insecurity. But you get taught the same lesson over and over until you learn it.
And I had to go through that lesson over and over and over until eventually I learned it. But what I realized is that if a guy or girl is playing games with you, that should be an instant turnoff for one very simple reason. And that is if they feel like they don't bring enough to the table,
showing up how they are that they have to play a game to get your interest then they they don't have something that you even want they're having to play games with you because they're insecure about what they even bring to the table or they're just a player and have so many options and don't care that's also unattractive so so if somebody's playing games they're
That's because they don't think that they're enough showing up exactly how they are texting you, calling you right away, wanting to see you often. That's because they're probably hiding that they don't think they're that great. So they have to get you that way. Yeah. Or like three, four other relationships at the same time. But yes, I'm with you on that. I think and it's interesting that now this is not to throw any type of pro athlete under the bus. There are wonderful pro athletes out there.
I do believe there are some. I also do believe – I don't even think it's just a title of a job. I think it's a level of prestige and a level of ego that comes with it. And I think that can be in any field of work. It could be – and you could be an athlete. You could be a business owner. You could be in finance. You could be – like there's not one necessarily like taboo, don't date this type of person. But I do think it's really interesting and I think you brought this up too where I also had the same thing. I loved the bad guys. I loved not –
like having to earn my place in their world or wanting to feel like I had to fight for something. And that's such...
a deep ingrained personal struggle I still have today. Because I think there was a part of me growing up that always thought I had to earn and prove myself. So I had to fight for it. And if it wasn't hard fought, it wasn't valuable. And what's really fascinating, amen, I know I see you slam your hands. You're like, yep. And it's interesting, particularly when you enter into a more healed version of yourself, you start having more healed relationships. And that's not just romantic, like that goes to friendships too.
You shouldn't have to fight for a friendship. You shouldn't have to fight for the proper business relationship or the proper romantic relationship. I will say this. If it triggers your up-down cycles, so like if you get anxious because when are they going to call me back and what's going to happen? Oh my goodness. And then they finally text you but it's not the thing that you wanted. Then you're texting your friends. What does this mean? You are in a toxic cycle, right?
right? They've done studies, this is terrible to say, but they've done studies on rats about dopamine hits and it's similar to how we relate to our social media, right? When we get a like or a follow or a nice comment, it's a micro hit of dopamine. The same thing happens when you're in a relationship or dating somebody and it's kind of here and or there, kind of toxic, bread crummy. You get so excited when you get that little dopamine hit and then what they noticed in these rats when they would have the little hit of oxytocin or whatever it was,
out of a little drip, they would wait by the drip all hours of the day until they could get another one. And they noticed when they were inconsistent with it, they could get the rat to wait for longer periods of time because it just wanted that little hit. It's the same thing in toxic relationships. It's the same thing when we feel like we're trying to earn and gain the attention of somebody. We will sit and tolerate so much BS because we just want that little bit of validation. Whereas when...
What's beautiful about a really lovely functional relationship, you're not on that up and down cycle. And it kind of takes a little bit of a mind shift and a little bit of a exhale to realize, oh, consistency isn't quote unquote boring. It's not that it's not exciting. It's actually feeling whole, feeling seen, relying on the fact you know someone's going to show up for you. You know someone really cares.
But when you're coming out of being in a lot of very toxic relationships or trying to prove yourself in relationships, like I know I was previously, at first you don't always trust it or you think, oh, is this exciting? Is this how it should be? And the truth is you're just coming down from like a toxic stress response that you've been on that merry-go-round of
crazy dopamine hits here and there rather than consistently being with somebody who fosters who you are and supports you and loves you and shows up. That is so true. And unfortunately, like rats, we are creatures of habit. So if we are habitually in relationships, friendships with our family members in romantic relationships, if your relationships have that kind of up, down, hot, cold,
then when you get into a healthy, stable relationship, you might feel really bored and like it's not for you and they're not the one because you're not used to getting that like dopamine rush because you just felt so, so low. And then it brought you back up high. I mean, I was in a seven-year relationship that was extremely toxic and I
I mean, the things that I put up with, I remember one night we were driving to dinner. He was a professional athlete, shocker. And he had a lot of groupies. And we were driving to dinner with his coach and his wife. I was, I think, 24. And we were going to dinner.
And there were a bunch of people at the table when we walked in and we sat down. Oh, by the way, on the drive to the dinner, he said, hey, I just want to make sure like don't don't try to be funny. Don't try to make jokes. Don't you just you think that you're funny, but you're not. And it's really embarrassing to me. So just don't talk a lot, please. And they definitely don't make any jokes. And I was like, OK. And I just sat there and didn't.
didn't fight him on it and I was just like okay he doesn't want me to interact so I'm just going to be really quiet so we get there by the way I'm at 24 I was an executive on Wall Street and I had this high-powered job and I was so strong in my presentations in boardrooms and I carried myself so strongly I owned my own home and my own car and I was completely like independent and yet
here in this relationship I was just like a like a caged wilted flower that couldn't couldn't even didn't even want to find sunlight like it was it was so it was so almost like bipolar the lives that I was living so we go into this dinner and we sit down and the first thing I can't believe I'm saying this on a podcast um this is like a behind closed doors only story but um
We sit down to dinner and the first thing he says in front of the whole table, his coach, everybody is, hey, when we were having sex this morning, the way the sunlight was coming in, I could see cellulite on the back of your legs. Oh!
daily. And I was 24, a division one runner. Like not only did I not have cellulite, but it would have been fine if I did. But he was just trying to find a way to humiliate me and make me feel uncomfortable. And like I couldn't have any power to talk or to defend myself. And I just excused myself to the bathroom and I cried.
And we never talked about it. Like I never said, you know, how dare you say that? I never challenged him because I was scared of him. And when I say I was in that relationship for seven years, those were seven precious years that I gave to somebody who was abusing me. And that is one of a thousand stories I could tell. But moral of this story is that
I was in that cycle for so long of the high, low, high, low, because then the next day he would wake up and tell me how beautiful I was when we were alone, you know, waking up in his bedroom. And then I felt a huge rush and excitement, right? And so when I got out of that, it was really hard for me to find a healthy relationship because I only knew the up-down. And also a big part of this too, guys, is...
If you talk poorly to yourself in your mind, it's very easy to let somebody else talk to you that way. So part of why I wasn't able to stand up for myself is because if he's talking to me the way I already talk to myself when I look in the mirror, if I looked at the back of my legs, I would probably say that even if it wasn't there just to try and motivate me to work harder, run more, be better, be prettier. And
If I'm talking to myself that way, not only am I going to accept it from somebody else, but also I'm probably going to feel more comfortable because it's almost more comfortable to hear what I'm used to than somebody who's giving me all these compliments because that that feels uncomfortable. I just have to say, first off, it took everything to not like yell into this microphone and scare everybody listening to this.
The sheer boiling of my blood that anybody would ever do that to you, let alone young Gailey, right? Like when you are in your 20s, your brain is still not fully developed. You are still building those habits. You're building those self-esteem moments. There's so many things that are happening, especially as a woman in your 20s.
companies where you're navigating your place in the world and you're brilliant and you were working your butt off at this incredible but challenging environment because being a woman in finance is not an easy thing at all. So you're getting it from all these different angles. It reminds me so much of like growing up in the film industry where you're hearing the same thing. Like I went and remember years ago, it's not within a relationship, but I was talking to a manager who wanted quote unquote to rep
me when I was like 15, 16. She told me I needed a nose job if I ever was going to work in Hollywood. And so to this day, I still have a weird thing about my nose because I think it's so I know, but it's so rooted because we hear these things and our brain holds on to them.
And they become these narratives that we believe. And then you're totally right. When you're not talking to yourself in a way that's positive, it reinforces that negative rhetoric in your head. So why would you ever consider you could be worth more, right? Because you're getting confirmation bias from this person coming at you. And
First off, I don't know who he is. Well, I actually do know who he is, but we're going to keep that. We'll keep that quiet between us because that's what girlfriends do and we protect each other. But what an idiot and what a sad, sad person. And I will tell you too, I think there's a lot of people out there, men, women, all of us who have had somebody try to knock us down a peg and dim our light so that they believe that theirs can be brighter. And I will say this definitively, and I know this for certain for a fact, I will go to my grave with this on this point.
There is more than enough light and there is more than enough abundance in this world that two people can shine as brightly as possible and they will not compete with each other. We need all the light in the world that we can possibly get and everybody should be living to their fullest potential. So if somebody tries to pull that away from you to try to make theirs brighter, bless them, they are so far off from what they're here to do and what their ultimate purpose could be. And it's just, it just breaks my heart. But I'm so proud of you.
Because you have not let any of these relationships, any of these toxic experiences change the way you show up in the world. And it is a very, very, very bold and courageous act to not let people like that, especially a list of people like that, change who your true self is and who you are. And it's probably the most rebellious, badass thing you can possibly do.
is not allow that to determine your directive in life, not allow that to determine how you give to the world. And good riddance. I also want to punch him. Oh my God, I'm so angry right now. Like I'm in this chair, like so fiery. First off, your nose is freaking gorgeous. If you ever touch it, I'll drop kick you. And secondly, you know, to your point about, you know, how you show up in the world,
I've seen a lot of cruel people and there's some not great souls out there who probably have a good reason that they turned out that way, but it doesn't mean they should still be that way.
But what I realized is that I don't want to wake up in a world where I'm cynical and I see the worst in everybody. I would rather live in my own little utopia where I tried really hard to see the best in people and in situations.
And I choose to believe that because it gives me a more peaceful headspace. And quite honestly, that's the world I want to live in. And if we're all creating our own realities anyways, right, with our thoughts all day, every day, right, your reality is how you see something and how you feel it. It doesn't necessarily mean that's how everybody else is going to see it or absorb it, but that's your reality. So if you have control over that,
make it a more enjoyable one to live in. And I think it makes it easier to give grace to people who are unkind. And I think when you've been really, really low,
It's easier to forgive people who aren't that kind because you know that maybe they're probably already talking to themselves that way too, you know? It is. It's such a testament to the fact that how people treat others is a reflection of how they treat themselves internally. And I think that's why it's so important. You're totally hitting the nail on the head when it's about having empathy for people who are hateful or negative or whatnot. That was a huge thing in therapy that I had to learn.
I remember I was talking to my therapist like two years ago because I was still so upset about that relationship I was in and, you know, the duality of everything and the level of the lies and all of it. And I was just so angry about it. And she said, you need to be able to forgive him. And I was like, what do you mean forgive him? Are you kidding? Like the eight months of this getting dragged on and this other person that I found out about later. And she said, listen, that is a very broken, sad person.
who is they don't have the full capacity like they're like a bird with a broken wing would you be mad at a bird with a broken wing if they can't fly i'd be like no i'd want to help the bird and she goes yes and you can help the bird to a point but also that bird has to have its own course of healing and you weren't the one that broke the wing it's not your responsibility to fix the wing but you're not going to have an expectation for that bird to go and fly to the highest levels
So we need to put the expectation down and forgive the fact that this person has some broken baggage that made them this way. And that's a part of who they are. We'll talk about a full circle moment. So this individual, the seven-year relationship that just broke my heart but also broke my confidence for so long, I reached back out to him a couple years ago and realized
we are genuinely friends now. And he ended up
you know, checking into rehab and was going through a lot of really difficult addictions with drugs that I wasn't aware of just because I was so... I was just... I just didn't catch things like that. I think because I want to see the best in people. So I just... I just... Even if I would see something, I'm like, that's not real. That's not really happening. And I just created... I created this perfect person out of an imperfect person, which isn't fair. But he basically...
went to rehab and he is now going to school to become a therapist and wants to help people. Wow. I mean, talk about, right? Like talk about a redemption story. Here is somebody that treated people awful, but it's because he was also killing himself with numbing and all the things he was doing because of something he experienced in his childhood, I think.
And now he's trying to better himself to help other people. And I love him for that. And I respect him for that. And I just think it goes to show that even if somebody is not right for you or right at the time because of what they're going through, it doesn't mean that they're an awful person. It means that they're probably in an awful place. Yes. And being able to be a part of somebody's journey. Again, that word. Okay. I hate that word. I'm going to find a different word.
I just want to start thinking, don't stop. Don't stop. See? Right? Anyway, like closing of every bar and bat mitzvah, if you've ever been to one, it's the best. But it's true. When you get to that point where you recognize all of us have been the villain in someone's story. I know I have. I know when I was going through all of the dark chapters of my mental health in college, I isolated. I was a prickly person. I wasn't
the light that I would like to think I'm leading and putting into the world today.
I wasn't at my full capacity. And sometimes we look back at relationships and we could go from the lens of this person wronged me and I'm the victim. I don't believe in that. I think every relationship is an opportunity to mirror the person you're dating. And that mirror reflects back to you what you need to work on in yourself or growth that you need and vice versa. And the best case scenario, and maybe this is now being the age that I am and having dated as much as I have and lived life,
you recognize that you become grateful for some of those past relationships because they were the reason that shifted you to where you are now. Like I'm very grateful that I felt so played and hurt in that last relationship. And I hope that he has learned a lot from that past relationship as well and can enter into something much healthier and much kinder to another woman. But it gave me the isolation period to work on myself, to work on my self-confidence, my self-esteem, to focus on what I wanted to build in the world. And then out of the blue, I meet Shadow Man.
And it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in in my life. And it's so fulfilling. And I'm going to get emotional because it's like I feel safe for like one of the first times in my life in a relationship. Oh, my God. Why am I crying? I'm crying. Dang it. It comes up out of the blue. I am just a fountain lately. But yeah, I think that's what's really incredible is you become grateful for all those
triggering past relationships because they built you. Like that was the house that built me. Like the asylum we were raised in. Yes. I'm thankful for the asylum because it brought me to this. So I think that's, is that what we're going to name the episode? No, I just pictured you accepting like a Grammy or an Emmy. I mean, you can act, you can sing. You're going to be on stage and you're going to be like, I just like to thank the asylum.
The asylum I was raised in. Also, thank you, Taylor Swift, for one of the greatest lyrics of all time. And thank you, CIA Susie, for protecting my ass all these years. Yup. A freaking man. Amen. Amen. Amen. I love a callback. I love that you're so emotional talking about your relationship now because it's a testament to how beautiful it is. And the word that made you cry, Kendall, was safe.
As soon as you said, I feel safe, you're literally crying again. I mean, that just goes to show how unsafe you have felt. And I 100% keyed in on the last time we were talking on the pod. And you said, you know, I left my cell phone in the store because I was a shadow man. So I was in my feminine place.
air, like what was it, your feminine energy, which means that you could put your guard down because you knew he was going to protect you. Like the way you describe being in your feminine energy when you're with him, I implore everybody to seek a relationship where they feel safe. Not so much because somebody is going to physically protect you, even though Shadow Man is twice your height, so he could. I can pack a punch though, we know that. True. But somebody who can protect your heart
right? Who can protect your value system and not have you go against your values because of something that they want or need. Somebody who protects and respects you, that is what feels safe. And that's where you can give your whole heart. Oh, the callback. Gailey, you are just sinking them. Okay, Michael Jordan with the dunks, like,
Shoot. So now we're going to call it back to our Instagram wholeheartedly pod. And we put out a question this last week, which was give us your best first date questions. And I think it's so apropos because we are literally sitting here talking about our relationships.
our experiences. And I think one of the stressful things about a first date is how is this conversation going to go? So if you have good starters, you can go in with a little more confidence with your shoulders held high, your head back and feel like I'm going to rock this. And also you can get some, you know, essential information from your potential partner and see if you're even interested. So I have strategically hid these from Kendall. So
so that I can ask her as if we're on a first date and I want to hear what your response is. Wine me, dine me, Gailey. Let's go. Let's go. First off, I just want to say I love your nose. It is so cute.
Now for my first date question for you. If you were in the MLB, what would your walk-up song be? Okay, I'm going to put a caveat because I would never be in the MLB. I cannot throw or catch a ball to save my life or hit one. But I love a hype track and there's probably two songs that come to mind. Oh, no. Okay, I got one. I got one exactly. It would be Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. Love. That will get the people going. It's the...
Like literally, if you want all the emos to run out from somewhere, chill. I got chills. Oh, yes. Black Braid MCR. I love it. All right. Mine would be Bejeweled by Taylor Swift just because of the one part where she says,
When I walk in the room, I make the whole place shimmer because I feel like that's what I do to homes. I just want to make the whole place shimmer. And so I'm wearing a sparkly hat right now. So that's just that I'm feeling it today. But tomorrow it'll be a different song. But guys, that's a great that's a great question because you you can kind of see if they love music and what type. OK, next one.
Great first date question. And honestly, you could use this if you're interviewing somebody, right? If you're interviewing them and you're trying to see if this could be a good employee or if you are in a friend group and just trying to meet somebody new who joined the group. These are questions that don't just have to be for first dates, but I think they're great. Okay. What three apps on your phone can you not live without?
Well, obviously, given my line of work, it's going to be social media because it's probably where I spend most of my time. So I'd say Instagram first, then TikTok because TikTok just makes me laugh. Like there's a lot of really fun, lighthearted things on there. The third app and I have it. Well, there's a third functional one and there's.
There's a third. I wish I was. So ironically, the other app that I use a lot is an Instagram, like is an app blocking app. Here's that for meta. Yes. So this app prevents you from opening up social media, like puts like a block on it or whatever apps you don't want to take up more of your time. And then it makes you answer a question. It kind of gaslights you in a positive way. And it's like, hi, here's a baby duck in a field and it's a video. And it's like, take
take a breath for five seconds. Are you sure you want to tap into the app? It's the funniest thing, but it works. It works. I think it's called, I think it's called like Opal or something. And it's, it's a little bit expensive, but I will say it's helped my productivity. And then my ADHD, I get distracted by the cute duck. So I'm like, oh no, I don't need social media. Look at the duck. It's adorable. So anyway, so I use that one, but the other one
that I think you'll probably know is my favorite. It needs to be Find My iPhone. Yes. Oh, God. Yes. That is the app you need, Kendall. And now it's going to be Find My iPhone, My Planner, and all of my AirTags. Well, so actually, funny story on AirTags really fast. So I bought a bunch of AirTags because Shadow Man is the most organized human being, which is, again, why I feel safe with him. God bless him. He bless him. I know. I know. That's why you guys get along because you're both so super organized.
So he has AirTags for everything. And he's like, babe, you got to get the AirTag. It's going to change your life. He even got me a little AirTag key chain for my keys and one like an AirTag for like my wallet. So it looks like a credit card you put an AirTag in. But typical Kendall fashion, I bought the AirTags.
And then I never set them up and I left them where I left my planner in the carry-on that I was going to bring down here because I was going to set them up with him. But again, I forgot that and the planner. I've been without the planner for three freaking weeks. Like we need to plan to find the planner. You're like, Ken, the planner, now. Okay. Yeah. So those are my three. What are yours? I do think, I mean, Instagram's got to be up there because you have so many creative things on there. And I know you think it's not.
First, it's Spice because that's where I edit all my quick videos for stories and things. Next, it's Instagram. And third...
I don't go on, I don't really go on TikTok a lot, even though I have a much bigger following there than Instagram. But I just go on there to post really because I'm not following anybody for my own mental health so that I only get lost in my ADHD doom scrolling on Instagram. Because if I added TikTok in, I'd just be, I'd be a shell of a human after the end of the day. But the third one would probably be my Gmail app just
just because I'm constantly living in email all day long. Have you shared with the people your incredible email skills? Have we discussed that with them? I zero out. Yeah, last time. I mean, I had a couple of friends text me and they're like, after listening to the pod, I just deleted every single text message on my phone and I feel so free. And I'm like, fly, Eagle. You've been caged. Like,
For real, I zero out my emails also. Everything is zeroed out when I go to sleep, but it's because I have –
I'm obsessive compulsive and it's the only way for my brain to be calm when I go to sleep at night. So yeah, my Gmail is zeroed out every night. That's incredible. I need to sit down with you, truly. I know we said this last time, but next time I'm in Florida, I want to sit down with you and be like, okay, because I have an attachment to, but what if I need it? But what if I forget this? And I know you have the backup. I know you have a way of tapping into everything. So when you delete Gmail, there's one of the little sidebars that says,
all male. So every junk, scent,
deleted, everything saved in a folder. It all shows up in all mail. So I just click on that. I type in the keyword and I can find it instantly. Oh, there's backups. So it's not really deleted. No, but when I look at my inbox, there's literally not a single line item when I go to bed at midnight. That's amazing. Okay, we got to do that. Yeah, it's why you will always get a response from me. If you write me during the day, you will always get a response before midnight. That's kind of just like my
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, doesn't matter. Like that is my promise to you if you're in my life. You're incredible. I know it's one of like the superpowers you have. I'm like, all right, all right. I need like a daily productivity educational seminar. Yeah.
I don't know if it's a superpower. It might be like a low key trauma response, but it makes me feel like I'm in control. So but our most functional things in the world, just like trauma responses gone, right? Okay, next, next first date question. I'm obsessed. I literally asked Dale this on our first date. What is your love language? All of them? No, I'm not gonna say all I will say I do think two really big ones are words of affirmation.
Because I think that helps me feel validated and seen, especially growing up in like the film industry.
And in the entertainment industry where you go, you audition, you like put all this time, effort and energy in and you have a little teenage developing brain. And then you walk out of the audition room and essentially you're ghosted unless you get called back. So you're always in a state of anxiety. It is the worst. I loved it. And I love film and TV. And I'm, you know, I learned a lot from it. I learned a lot from not being successful in it. And I'm grateful for that. And thank goodness I was kept away from like the Nickelodeon and the Disney of the world because I was present.
in proxy far away from what was really going on. And thank God, like 10 times over, I was not around during that time. Yeah. So I think words of affirmation are always very helpful for me. And then...
I think I'm a big physical touch person. I love to touch people. I mean, look at my hands. Like, if you want me to shut up, you have to tie my hands behind my back. I will be silent. Like, if I cannot move them and touch things, I can't talk. So I think physical touch is my other one. Like, I love to stroke people. I don't know if that's weird. I love to stroke people. Yeah.
But yeah, physical touch. I think love languages are so essential because what can end up happening is if your love language is physical touch and your partner's is gifts...
and you're not aware of that, you could be touching your partner all day long, which is you just pouring love and affection into them. And they can be giving you gifts every night when they come home from work, but they're not touching you back. They're just giving you the gift. And they think that they're pouring love into you. And you guys could both sit in independent
therapy sessions and say, I feel like my partner doesn't love me or they're not into you. And it's just because the language with which they're trying to tell you they love you, you're not receiving because it's in a different language from yours. So as long as you can be aware of what your partner's is, then you know when they're giving you a gift, even though you might not give two craps about the gift and that's just not how you feel loved.
you should be able to realize that that is them saying I love you and vice versa when you touch them. So what are yours? I really have just one and it is words of affirmation. And it is why when I've been in relationships where people tear me down with words, I think that it hurts more than if you had physically touched me, which has also happened. But
not, not nearly to the extent of the words. And so I, I hate it because I live and die by words. And it's, it's, it's, it's so hard because my dad, who is the wisest person I will ever know in my lifetime, he has only ever given me one piece of dating advice. And I have never forgotten it to this day. And he said, Gailey, don't listen to what boys tell you.
Just watch how they act. It will tell you exactly how they feel about you. So true. So when I was in a relationship with a guy who was telling me, you are the most special girl in the world. You are amazing. You are beautiful. I admire you. But then he was cheating on me with my best friend. He was doing all sorts of awful things. I kept hanging on the words that he was telling me.
And believe that he loved me, but his actions were saying otherwise. And if I had just listened to his actions, I would have known exactly how he felt about me. So I really, I encourage people to think about that when they're trying to figure out how someone feels. And by the way, you've been on five to ten dates or been hanging out with somebody for a few weeks and you don't know how they feel about you. Get out. You know. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep. The ambivalence or gray area in that front. No. And it's so true. And it goes, it's not just in terms of like, you know, like a hetero, like male, female, the males pursuing the female if we're going that right. I will say in any relationship, if someone is not clear with their interest and persistence in wanting to get to know you more and spend time with you, it's just, we don't need to date just to date. Like, don't just fill your time with somebody that you feel lukewarm about.
No, it's either a hell yes or it's a no thank you. We're good. There's going to be something greater. It's much better to spend that time pouring back into yourself, into your girlfriends and your friends and your hobbies and I don't know, pick up golf like I did. It was actually a really great way through it. Felt really awkward for a while. Now I kind of really enjoy it and I love it.
But there's so many, there's so much better ways to spend your time than being with someone who feels ambivalent about you. Because it's true. Like if you spend time around people who aren't sure of you, you become unsure of yourself. Like you really have to be discerning with where you place your energy and who you put your energy around. Because it is, it's limited and it's a gift. And you don't get all the time on the planet. You don't get all the energy on the planet. So if someone gets to have you around, they damn well better appreciate and be excited about spending time in your aura. And if not,
No, thank you. Goodbye. Carry on. Ciao, ciao. You have to appreciate the fact that we are all right now alive, breathing oxygen on a little rock floating around a massive universe in a galaxy far beyond what any of our minds can actually comprehend. Like the fact that you are alive right now, breathing, sitting, listening to a podcast is an
actual miracle. It is a miracle that you are alive right now. So if somebody is wasting your miracle time, bye. Yeet them out of there, guys. Like they do not deserve it.
Speaking of, you just mentioned, and it triggered, bad trigger, triggered a really awful first date I had. You mentioned if somebody is on a date with you and they're not asking questions about you and they're just talking about themselves. Granted, you know, if it's a first date, they could be nervous. And so they're just diarrhea-ing at the mouth, just trying to impress you, which maybe is good because it means they want to impress you because they like you.
And they're just not very self-aware, which maybe it's because they're younger or inexperienced. But one of my former clients...
My firm set me up with one of his clients and I went on this first date. This was after the really bad seven-year relationship ended and he started dating a famous person and it was all over the tabloids and I was seeing things about their amazing sex life when I was checking out at Publix and it was just like I was just in such a low place. I'd take any low-hanging fruit until one came my way and I took it. You're like, Yahtzee.
We went to Capitol Grill at the mall and I'm sitting in there with this guy. He's a doctor. And, you know, my whole family, all my three siblings are doctors. My dad, like very medical family. So I was already interested, right? Because I liked what he did for work. So we're sitting there and he proceeds to talk about himself for the first 30 minutes. Just tells me story after story after story about himself.
his car and how nice his Acura is and how he has that house on the intercoastal that he owns. And he just didn't ask me a single question about myself. And then in the middle of chewing a huge wad of steak, he looks at me and I cannot make this up. He goes, hold on. I'll be right back. I got to pinch one off. Oh!
And excuses himself to the Russians. I literally sat there looking around. Am I on candid camera right now? Is this one of those things where if I stay through dessert, I'll get $500? And I really started thinking, like, how much are they going to pay me? Because the stories he was telling about...
women and he called them broads. And by the way, you know, in hindsight, I wish I would have had the confidence and self-awareness to just get up and walk out. But this was a client's client and I wanted the client to stay happy with me. So now I realize never, never do that again because it puts me in an awkward situation. And then the only question the entire meal that he asked was what kind of car do you drive?
which is so superficial, so ridiculous. And I told him I'd drive a PT Cruiser with wood paneling. I just tried to think of the least sexy car I could. So I said, PT Cruiser with wood paneling. And he was like, really? And I was like, mm-hmm. And he was like, well, my Acura MDX. And he just keeps talking. So after the date, we walk out and I say, you know, I don't even want him to see me get into my car.
because he'd know that I was lying and I just needed him to disappear. So I was like, hey, I got to make a phone call. Like, have a good night. He leaves. And I'm sitting on the phone with my parents and I'm walking them through this awful date for 10 minutes. They're all dying hysterically. And then 10 minutes have gone by since the not so gentle gentleman left. And I go to walk into the, it was at the mall. So I walk around into the mall parking lot
And I hit open. I have a Range Rover and the lights go on. And as soon as the lights go on, an Acura MDX slowly drives by and he hangs his head out the window and he goes, I know what car you drive. And like, oh, literally waiting for me in the parking lot.
Which was also really creepy. So moral of this story, guys, is that bad first dates happen. I learned to just never take a referral from a client for a date. And I also learned that...
Just because it's bad doesn't mean you're getting $500 for being on candid camera. So feel free to get up and walk out. Yes. In fact, I've always done this with my girlfriends. It's one of my favorite things. First off, whenever you're going to go on a date with somebody, I hate to say this, but we live in the 21st century and people are crazy. So number one, you have to have your squad, right? It's like the team of Avengers. Everybody shares location data.
Okay, you let them know this is when he's you know, I'm supposed to meet him here. We're gonna go here I should be there for this long and then we might go maybe we're going to a movie or something like that Whatever or dinner here or drinks here, whatever your girls your team your squad or your guys whoever it is your your Avengers team has to know the plan of the date and Locations are shared immediately number one number two
someone, usually the leader of said squad, for me, it's one of my best girlfriends, Asia, who literally will just check my location at random just to see where I'm at and make sure I'm good. And then she'll text my mom if I haven't texted my mom back. And she's good. I'm like, why do I have six people who are tracking me at all times, which is great. But Asia would always like call me or text me during the date. And if I picked it up,
that was a sign that was like hey I was like oh hold on it's work and I pretended to be work and I'd pick it up and I'm like girl this is so bad and she's like okay I'll swing by or do you need me to make up a story like here's the story there's a your neighbor called there's a leak in the roof not necessarily a false story very could be very realistic blah blah blah right or if I would set it to voicemail she'd be like okay it's a good date she's good so you have to have like
some extra support. Like this is a team sport and we all know this too, especially like when you're first talking to somebody, sorry, gentlemen, but us ladies, it's a, you're not just talking to her. You're talking to her and her five closest friends. So everybody's already vetting you. It's just, we have to work in teams. It's scary out there and we're going to have each other's backs. So that's just the way we're going to do it. But yes, I definitely say that. So now that, now that we're, we're nearing the end of the pod,
I think that the song, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think the song we should use as the title for this episode is First Date by Blink-182. Yes. Also, as such a mega Blink fan, absolutely. Yes. First Date is it. First Date is it. I'm obsessed, obsessed with Blink-182 and the fact that you went with like
Like the Black Parade earlier. I just feel like it's in that same like energy. So first date it is. And we're going to close with what we're working on this week. Do you want to start? Sure. What I am working on, to be honest, it's been almost a month since quitting my job.
And I'm getting to that point where I want to do everything that I'm building. I want it all to happen tomorrow. And transitioning takes time and these things take time to build. And I've been a little rough to myself and my own brain that things aren't happening at the clip that I would love them to just magically appear. So I'm going to give myself more grace this week and not put so much pressure to make what I'm building next happen sooner than when it's supposed to be.
So I'm giving myself grace this week. That is so honest and raw. And I think especially in social media, it'd be so easy to watch you just in these amazing clips of you at speaking engagements and your outfits going out to dinner and your trip to Naples and all of these things and just think like she's got it all together and she's so happy. So for you to say that like, yeah, I'm like frustrated with myself and I'm hard on myself right now. I think that's kind of shocking to
to people that don't talk to you behind closed doors. So I love that you're so honest and real and that you share that. And I think we should look at everybody's social media and just not assume that it
And it's interesting that you said that because that kind of falls in line with mine. Really? Yeah. So what I'm working on is I heard this somewhere probably on an Instagram reel and I apologize. I don't know exactly who it came from.
because I didn't write it down. I didn't realize how much it was going to impact me. But hours later, I was still thinking about it. And you can never go back and find an old reel that you saw on on explore page. So I apologize if you said this, but
It's – somebody was talking about their training for the Olympics and their coach said you got to think about the rule of thirds. And it is that whenever you are working really hard towards a goal or a dream, a third of the time you're going to feel really, really good. A third of the time you're going to feel okay. And a third of the time you're going to feel really crappy. And if you're feeling –
too good more than a third of the time, then you're probably not pushing yourself hard enough or your goal isn't big enough. If you're feeling okay, then maybe you don't want it enough. So find something that you're more passionate about so you can get a little bit more of that good. And if you're feeling crappy all the time, then maybe you should sit back and reassess. Maybe it's a different approach or maybe you change up the dream. But moral of that story is that you're not going to feel great
all of the time. In fact, when you're in the chasing mode, building mode, you're probably only going to feel great a third. And so what you're going through right now, Kendall, where like, you just don't feel great every day and you want it to go more. That's also because your dream is really big. And I know some things have happened like the pod where you guys have been amazing with your feedback and we get those little dopamine hits and we do feel great.
you know, and things feel good. But that's part of the process, guys. So when it's a crappy day, just say, hey, I'm taking up that one third that's crappy right now. And I'm here for it because I like that other one third that's really good and I know it's coming. So just keep going. And I need to remember that when I'm feeling down because I've been feeling down lately too. So I feel you. We're in it together. I said it once in a class and it's so true. It's two movements. It's forward and it's
through. And if you just keep forward and you keep walking through, you get to where you need to get and nothing will stop that. It's just the little wins every step of the day. And I'm with you. I got you. I got your back. We're in this together. No one's shitting in your cereal.
I know it was so funny about that. It's so true. I'm not a big cereal girl. I just I never have been. I love it. So guys, thank you so much again for letting us be here, letting us share this space with you. Because like I said, it's a miracle that you're here and it's a miracle for us that you're listening to this.
Three times now. So smash that like button, every comment. It helps us so, so much. And you can follow us on Wholeheartedly Pod. Kendall is at Kendall Tool. And I'm at Gaylee Alex. And we thank you with our whole hearts. We love you guys. We'll see you next week. Every Wednesday, we will drop a new podcast for you. And keeping this forward and through fight together. Amen. Bye, guys. Bye.