big sis advice: boy problems, burnout & finding purpose
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Hi guys. I feel like I haven't done this in ages. Coming back with the big sis advice video because I'm a big sister and I have some advice to give, I suppose. But also because I don't know these people, I feel like this is a non-biased opinion. And sometimes it takes a person outside of yourself or outside of your inner circle giving you advice for you to actually make a change. I wanted to start off, first of all, by saying I'm addicted to comment sections. Like anytime I watch a TikTok, I want to look at the comments.

the comments. That's my favourite part. I care less about the video. I'll watch like two seconds of the video and then be reading the comments for so long that the video has replayed itself eight times. I'm also a big fan of First Dates Ireland. I love a reality TV show, especially when it comes from Ireland. Obsessed. So anyway, what I've noticed recently, and I do...

take part in the social commentary surrounding things regularly and I have done for a long time. I've also been on the internet for a long time so I can see how things have shifted just by observation over the last few years especially since before COVID. I feel like at the moment Irish people are going through

and I know a lot of my UK listeners might resonate with this I'm not entirely sure in terms of social commentary in Ireland it seems as if we're experiencing some sort of emotional or spiritual crisis where our stores of compassion and empathy have gone bankrupt does anyone

know what I'm talking about. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down? For example, I saw a video yesterday that RT posted of this woman who had four kids and she was in this homeless hub for families. I'm listening to Nesting by Roisin O'Donnell at the moment and the story, the premise of the story is how she's leaving her emotionally abusive husband and then she ends up

homeless. The whole time I'm listening to it, I have a lump in my throat because these things, especially for women, it doesn't seem that far away or far-fetched where we could all be in that situation. So we have a lot of compassion or empathy for women in that circumstance where she has chosen to raise her kids at home. She has

had a five-year gap in her career. She's well-educated, but still is finding it difficult to find a job. She's also left with no money because her husband or her partner was emotionally abusive, coercive, and also using financial abuse against her as a weapon. And then also threatening her with solicitors or full custody or whatever. This doesn't even have anything to do with Big Sis Advice, but I just wanted to talk about it. When we see instances of

a lot of times we can ask ourselves... or be frustrated with the situation and think... why didn't she just leave? Whereas these sort of stories... where it lays out the whole... every single aspect of it... you could see from her perspective... where she felt threatened... or why she felt she was a little bit trapped. Especially when there's kids...

involved because they can be using threats against you. You can feel like you have no support, financial support, somewhere else to go, that sort of thing. But I do think the social commentary surrounding that has changed with education online, people speaking about their stories online. I do think that people are coming to a more understanding why women or people in abuse relationships don't leave

at the first sign of abuse. Whereas now, when we see women and children in circumstances where they're left with no home, no finances, no job, with very young children, we can see, well, what I've observed anyway from the commentary or the comments in that particular RTE report

video was that how could she be so irresponsible to be homeless without or have why did she have kids in the first place if she couldn't support them it's a disgrace that she's gotten her kids into this situation don't be expecting the government to give you hand handouts don't be expecting to get a free house for no reason and then the other side of it is oh well all the foreigners are getting free houses before the Irish every single comment that I saw was negative I think a bit of balance sometimes is expected yeah and nearly sometimes is even a good thing to get

both sides of the story a bit of perspective having open honest conversations about our perspectives and our opinions about these sorts of things is normal I don't think I didn't expect every single comment or opinion to be positive about this sort of situation because a lot of times people don't know the full story or they can't resonate especially men they can't resonate with this sort of story or this situation or how they could get themselves into the situation in the first place but I do think it's really worrying at the moment because now the

the majority of comments surrounding this sort of conversation is negative. In Ireland, we've had such a positive run of liberations, more opportunities, safety within healthcare. We had the gay marriage referendum. We had the abortion referendum. And now because...

the patriarchy or men are feeling a little bit more threatened. They don't have a cushy lifestyle anymore of the mother doing all the domestic labour, cooking their dinners, waiting at their hand and feet, then having all the power, then making the decisions, then having their men-only clubs or the men-only gyms or whatever the fuck they had available to them now. And now we've seen an uprising in sort of feminism, in feminism,

in an equality way. It's not where it's like damaging men, but because men are feeling a little bit more threatened in their place in the patriarchy, I suppose they're fighting against that with more chauvinism and misogyny, which is really worrying. Also, something that we do have to acknowledge is that just because we're feeling like we're getting more rights or we're getting more, even if we're going in the right direction, there is going to be so much more pushback because a lot of men

and women are still conditioned to think that women don't deserve the same treatment as men do. The onus of children, housework, domestic labour is always put on the women. Not one comment was asking where's the father or like where's the dad? We've heard of these stories time and time again where women are left stranded with no financial support, nowhere to go and

No options. Childcare isn't subsidised enough where the woman could get full, and they're all full, where a woman could even afford to go back to work. So obviously the options there are limited. That is not a fault of the woman. That is because the man has somewhere down the line promised this woman security and safety and to be able to look after the children when they were obviously deciding to have children together. A woman doesn't go into a relationship, have four kids, to expect a free house off the government.

They don't leave their husbands for the laugh. They don't live in a homeless hub in a hotel room with their four children for the laugh so that they can get a free house. No one wants to be in that situation and I think it's absolutely barbaric that there are people in the Commons thinking that this woman wanted to be in that position in the first place. Sometimes with unconscious biases and with

the conditioning of men to feel like everything is a woman's fault and we're stupid and useless. There's going to be a lot of that that we have to fight against. Also, a lot of racism, racist comments, blaming normal people for the situations that they're in. Whereas we pay taxes for a reason. That's literally what the taxes go towards. It goes towards services. It goes towards protecting the people. I'd also like to reiterate that we are, every single person, every single person listening to this, every single person watching this,

you are statistically more likely to become homeless than ever become a millionaire. That is a fact. Just the same as you are more likely to be bitten by a shark than to ever win the lotto. You were sold this idea under capitalism that if you become homeless, it's on you.

If you lose your job, it's your fault. Even if there's an economic recession, that's somehow your fault. But most people, I'd say the majority of people in Ireland are one or two paychecks away from being homeless. If you lost your job tomorrow, do you have an emergency fund to fall back on? Do you have somewhere else to go? Majority of the time, people don't. So you would expect and hope

that you would earn that tax back that you've been paying so that you would be protected by the government and have somewhere to go. Why would people want to be homeless? No one wants to be in that situation. And I feel crazy that I even have to explain this. And obviously, I don't think my listeners even think that way. But I also do think it's important to not just observe these things, but also to question

question these people back to make sure that you're adding to a positive spin on the conversation and that you're on the side of the woman. Next question. Okay, everyone I casually date thinks I'm in love with them. I don't know if you're dating women or men, but I can speak on behalf of men thinking that you're in love with them if you're dating them. I haven't had this problem in a long time, probably a few years, but I found that if you're even a little bit friendly or just nice, like a normal amount of niceness, not going out of your way, not buying them presents or anything, not showing up to their house or buying their, you know,

to getting the bill at dinner. I mean like just a general amount of niceness. Asking them how their day is. They can sometimes run away with that and think, oh my God, she's fucking obsessed with me. It could be number one, immaturity or they don't have that much experience in dating and they haven't experienced just a girl being nice to them just to be nice or being friendly. Also look at if they have women friends.

if they can just be friends with women platonically and not for it to be a romantic thing. Because sometimes men, sometimes boys who have been in all boys schools can be conditioned to think that if you're close with a girl, it has to be romantic. It has to be in a sexual way. There's no fucking way that I could just be platonically friends with a woman. Also look at the fact if they have sisters, they somehow humanize women more if they have sisters, particularly older sisters. And sometimes, and this is probably the...

the lower percentage or the least common but sometimes you can come off a bit strong like I'm sure sometimes I have come off a bit intense or sometimes you can come off a bit intense if you're like overly friendly or overly nice and people aren't used to that and they could think oh my god they're obsessed with me do you know whereas if you're dating women I'm not entirely sure maybe you are coming off a bit strong

Have you looked in that? I'd have to get a full detailed audit of your behavior to know fully. But I think I did. I have been speaking to one of my friends recently where it's like, it drives me fucking mad. You know, if you're like just seeing each other and then the guy would go, just so you know, I don't want anything serious. Like just presuming that you want a serious relationship. Like maybe I just wanted to use you for sex. Ever think of that? There were so many, so many, like multiple, I don't know what the fucking uprise this is.

Boyfriend has been watching porn. Been a problem before. Promised me never again, but found it again. I just want to tell you, if you're listening to this and you're having an issue with your boyfriend who might be addicted to porn, you're not alone because so many girls texted me about this. It was like, this is the most... And I've done loads of these big sis advice videos and it seems like this is the only time where I've gotten an influx of these sort of messages or questions about this. And it actually is something I have experience in. Now, I didn't have that problem where he promised me he wouldn't do it again and...

he actually didn't. Now, in fairness, the ex that I had was such a sweetheart. Like, he was really lovely. It didn't seem to be affecting him that much. It was just that it made me uncomfortable how much it was happening. So I just spoke to him about it and I was like, it makes me feel a bit weird, you know? And then he was just like, oh, that's fair enough. Yeah, I'm going to cut it down or we could watch it together. My main issue was that when I found out about the horrors of mainstream porn where a lot of the women...

taking part in that are either underage they could be trafficked they're not getting a fair wage or it could be in a coercive way or being groomed to do that so it made me really uncomfortable then when said like if a boyfriend or partner were watching it now this is years ago so like we were very young so that's the reason why I communicated that to them if you could I'd say if you could go from that angle go from the perspective of being like mainstream porn is a fucked up industry historically

here's the reasons why I do think it can open their eyes because it actually isn't that widespread information I don't think the only reason I know about this sort of stuff is from like listening to sexperts and other sex therapists talk about it because I had a fucked up relationship with sex and I wanted to know more about it otherwise I wouldn't have known that and it's like people don't go out seeking that information do you know what I mean it's not that widespread and also with social media it would be shadow banned so it can't be that ubiquitous information

if you know what I mean online so I would communicate to that and also look into it yourself it really is a fucked up industry but there are ethical porn sites and like ethical ways to watch porn you could also introduce them to that sort of thing or suggest watching it together I also do recommend listening to the G-Spot by Alice O'Shea or even sending her in your scenario because she will

dissect that on the podcast and she would have much better advice than me you don't even have to do it in a real serious sit down way it could just be in passing conversation like when you're I'd be sure I'd have one drink in me and I'd be like spouting on about that sort of shit it does have a really negative effect

on men. It has a negative effect on all people, especially with mainstream porn, because it's always from the perspective of the male receiving pleasure and not the woman. So it can affect their performance, let's say, if they're learning. Because a lot of boys would have access to this at a really young age, especially for younger generations. Not as much when I was a teenager, because we didn't really have smartphones. So it wasn't like they could be watching it whenever the fuck they wanted. It was like you had to use the

the family PC and obviously you weren't going to be doing that in the middle of the sitting room. But now with the access to mainstream porn, I do think that it's definitely a more worrying issue and something that I'd be really conscious of if I ever had a son. But also, if you have a boyfriend now, say if you have like a 20-year-old boyfriend, if you're 20 or 21, like they would have had access to that for their whole teenagehood. And the negative implications that that can have on their sex life and also their view of women is really damaging. This is a fact, they've done studies on it before, I'm not just...

speaking from my own personal opinion but my personal opinion would be that anyway it's dehumanizing for women it's from the perspective of the man's male's pleasure a lot of the women in these circumstances especially with free mainstream porn are coming from horrible places they're being groomed they're not being paid properly it's like really disturbing and also the bodies are airbrushed they're not realistic bodies they're you know have boob jobs

labiaplasty all of this stuff so it's not even a good representation of what women's bodies are supposed to look like men can also get dependent on watching mainstream porn then to be able to get off and it is a really slippery slope it is something that can turn into an addiction I do think it's actually the utmost importance that you do communicate this don't feel awkward about it because it can damage your relationship and it's really bad for your male partner

And just for women in general, I don't think it's good. I do think you should look into it. Again, listen to The G-Spot by Alice O'Shea. It's a really good podcast. Porn isn't a bad thing overall. It's just the mainstream porn industry, I would say, is actually very damaging. Someone said, making big decisions in your 20s, for example, buying a house or go traveling. I do think one of the most pressing issues of being in your early 20s, especially now in the age of social media, and now I'm kicking myself now because when I grew up and

adults were blaming everything on social media like mental health on social media now I'm kind of understanding where they were coming from I do think that it is

is sometimes even sets a precedent for what happens in reality. I sometimes get mixed up between or conflate life online with life in real life. And sometimes there's an intersection between the two. There can be influences of stuff in reality of what comes from social media and vice versa. Whereas when it first began, I do think the main influences of what was on social media was a reflection of what was happening in real life. Whereas now social media is actually nearly controlling what happens

what's happening in real life because it can influence our decisions in that way. With being voyeurs and observers of thousands of different lives that are happening online and being bombarded with all these different avenues or paths that we could go down, all these different types of people, I do think it's very unnatural. When I was growing up, I would see like Disney Channel stars and be like, I want to be a pop star. I want to be a Disney Channel star. Whereas now I do think

There's much more influence on, say, like the fig tree analysis where there's so many options being put out in front of us and almost teasing us that it can paralyze us because we have this illusion of having so much choice. Where actually, realistically, we probably are limited to only a few things. It doesn't have to be definitely...

like it doesn't have to be a negative thing. Sometimes it can almost be easier if you can acknowledge what your limits are to help with your decision making and what a realistic decision is and what you actually want for yourself and not something that you're getting influenced to want to have. I can get mixed up in this where I can see stuff online and...

I don't know if I talked about this already before, but you know, if you get a feeling of jealousy or feeling of envy, I saw a quote then somewhere that envy is just pointing you in the direction of something that you want. Whereas now, and I really believed that. So anytime I had a little feeling of a pang of jealousy or being like, oh, that looks good. I think I want that. Confused that with actually me wanting to have it. Where actually that I don't think is true because how could you be jealous for every single different person? You know, loads of things that don't actually suit us.

And I do think there's an illusion, especially with capitalism and social media and consumerism and with wanting to keep us in the cycle of buying things and getting these dopamine hits from buying stuff, that it's making us think that if we get loads of money and if we buy a certain thing, that we're going to reach a more transcendent level of happiness or like a more enlightened place. For example, you know, when we create these narratives in our head that if I start making X amount of money

I'll be happy. If I have a house, I'll be happy. If I have a certain type of car, I'll be happy. If I have a certain type of job or if I'm admired more, respected more, if I'm loved more, that I will then be happy. Whereas a lot of these things, and we know from if you've ever gone to therapy, you know that those happiness itself is a fleeting emotion. It's not some level of like it can't be a baseline of your personality or your personhood. It is a fleeting emotion, emotion, just like stress, sadness, and

anger, all of these other things. What you can strive for is a level of contentment or peace, which can be the baseline of your selfhood. Like the way Sylvia Plath wrote in The Belger that no matter where she was, she was still stewing in her own sour air. So even if you were to get all these things and you haven't worked on yourself, you're still going to be a miserable bastard or you're not going to be grateful for things. Just like

I read this book, well, I had it on the audiobook Long Island Compromise, where it was the story of a load of, like, spoiled rich kids, basically, and they never really had to work because they had a trust fund. And it showed the implications that that had on their mental health and their level of gratitude, how much they appreciated life, and also their work ethic and all these other things, and their self-esteem and all this other fucked up shit. Now, obviously, it was fiction, but it was...

Loosely based on reality, I do think that we have seen, this is probably possible to have, you know, like these failure to launch kids who don't feel the point in working hard at anything, where actually it's the, not to be, this is so cringy, but like the journey or working towards something or having things to look forward to, for me anyway, does give me like the fleeting sense of happiness or the drive to want to live life to the fullest, you know, that kind of way. So I do think that we can get

very stuck and almost trapped when we feel like we have so many choices that we could make and so many big decisions that we have by what we're seeing online or the stories that we're hearing of other people and how we have all these other options that people have or that we're sold this idea that if you become really rich or if you do if you travel to 20 countries in the world if you have

a husband and a family, you will be happy. Especially women, we're sold these ideas or this one perfect path for you. If you go traveling, then you go get a corporate job, then you find a husband, then you have kids, then you settle down and have a house with a garden and a dog and a cat and a fancy car, that you will then reach a level of happiness. When actually it's in the doing of all of those things that you will find happiness in like random places.

moments in your life. It's not those things that come to you that's going to give you happiness and it shouldn't

sway your decisions or sway the big choices that you make just from this one path that you're sold I do think that you have to listen to your own intuition and women's intuition especially is so powerful and sometimes we can lose touch with it if we're getting bombarded with so much information and also so many different types of lives that we could be living or an idea that we're going to be missing out if we don't do a certain thing like for example I wouldn't be mad into what's that thing called interrailing or like I didn't go on a six-year holiday for example I

I wouldn't... I don't feel like I missed out on that. I don't feel like I missed out on not going into railing and not going on a six-year holiday. I love staying in a hotel. I love staying somewhere for a weekend and then coming back to my home. Having a safe place to live. I also thought that once I had a daughter because I had her relatively young, I thought that I'd feel as if I was missing out on something or I was missing out on some experience of my 20s. Whereas actually now at the point in my life that I am, I feel like it was the perfect time to have my daughter and also I feel...

at peace every day with that decision and I don't feel like I'm missing out like I still have aspects of my life that are still exciting and stuff that I thought that I would lose after having a baby so it is down to your personal preference you shouldn't be listening to background noise or anything when it comes to this sort of thing because it is your life

And you only live once. I would definitely say to listen to your intuition more. If possible, try to go a week phone free, not consuming any media. I used to go through these spouts of dopamine fasting where you don't buy anything and you don't masturbate. You don't go on social media, not even watching a show or movies, anything that's going to give you dopamine.

So if you look up, like you can Google what low dopamine stuff is, like for example, not going on your phone for the first six hours of the day, being intentional and present when you eat your meals, sitting outside in the garden, all of this sort of stuff. And it really does help with connecting your brain with your body. You have all the answers. You know yourself the best. Only you can answer that for yourself. I can't sit here and say that traveling or settling down by a house would suit you more. I know personally that I would love to have the stability to

have a house and make it my own because I'm more of a home bird if that makes sense I love going on holidays but I'm not really like a travelling sort of person I've tried living abroad but I also would suggest trying things out especially if you're a bit younger and you haven't had the responsibility of like a partner or kids or something keep

keeping you to a place or like holding you to a place I would try living somewhere else even if you don't like it in the first six months like you can always try somewhere else but I do think that it's great for developing your character meeting new people and just experiencing the world in a different way I would always suggest to experience new things even if you don't like it you know then that you don't like it and it's never a waste of time just the same way that you can't be living in fear of getting your heart broken

by not getting in relationships. Does that make sense? It's always better to have love than to have not loved at all. I would urge you to not spend too much time trying to make the decision because your life can get a bit stagnant then and you can be spent... I used to do this all the time where I'd be talking about things that I wanted to do

all the time instead of taking action and actually doing it and then I've wasted like three years of my life talking about wanting to move somewhere. Instead of reaping the benefits of that freedom that I had where I had time to think I should have just made a decision and done it

done it, like jumped, taken action for my life. But anyway, yeah, not to spend too much time thinking about what you want to do and actually just doing it. Someone said, advice when you don't know what career slash college path you want to do. My biggest fear was the commitment of a four-year course or a three-year course, especially at such a young age, like at the age 18. I tried like three or four different courses. I would say to pick something like a short course is

You can always take a year out to figure it out. You don't have to go to college immediately. But I would say the college experience is really nice, especially if you have that available to you. Having education available to us is such a good privilege. And a lot of, especially women in other parts of the world, don't have that available to them. Or in parts of America, for example, they might not be able to financially afford to go to college. So I do think in places like Ireland or in mainland Europe where...

there are courses that are free or more affordable than other parts of the world I do think it's a huge privilege to have to be able to continue education but obviously the big question is if you don't know what you want to do I think my biggest flaw was that I was picking things or I thought that I had to do a course that would be good for my career or have career prospects to it rather than doing it for the enjoyment and I do think after so many years of primary and secondary school where

You're being told what to learn. I do think, now I'm not 100% familiar with the systems in America, but I know that you picked loads of different...

subjects and then you kind of specialize in a few and you don't have to pick like one specific course at the start. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's how what I think that it's like. I think that that sort of system would be really beneficial and other if we could do that here as well so that you could try out different things and then pick them and more get more specific and specialize further down the line. I do think that would be really helpful rather than just pick

picking one specific course because it can sometimes pigeonhole you and then you can realise halfway through the course that you actually don't like it that much or you can get bored of it or whatever. So my advice would be if you don't know what you want to do now and you do want to go to college definitely to have the college experience. I do think being in education and being around other people your age anyway is invaluable in experience and life experience meeting other people friendships creating relationships

and having the opportunity to learn new things. I do think that's really great. Even if you don't like your course that much, joining societies, making friends and making a community is just as important as learning things or having career prospects, in my opinion. Now, obviously, it's great to have the career prospects along with it as well. But I know a lot of people will tell you that a degree doesn't matter. It's more about experience, blah, blah, blah. There are other ways to climb the career ladder or whatever. I know, obviously not from my own personal experience, I just like have a stupid made up job.

up job.

literally but I know there are other avenues you can go down where you don't have to take the education route or to get a degree to get into certain industries whereas I do think when you're that young being in education can be really beneficial so my advice would be to go for a broader course if you don't know and you can always change then after the second year I wasn't familiar with like how college worked when I started I didn't know that I could defer I didn't know that I could change courses I thought that I just had to drop out if you know what I mean if I was to go back and change that I

I would have just said to myself that I'm only doing this because I want to learn new things. I was getting so stressed out with like future career prospects or like what my career was going to be after the degree that I kept dropping out to try change to something else rather than just enjoying the experience of learning. Because I do actually like the process of learning new things and I do think it's a great opportunity to do that. But if you don't know,

100% if you don't want to commit to a four-year course I would try out a few short courses you can even do a PLC there's loads of free though online courses that you could try because it is quite different to what you learn in secondary school I do think the Leaving Cert course has changed since I've been in school that would be my advice from a college dropout to be able to enjoy the experience of just learning and try a broader course something that you think you're going to

enjoy just learning about not that you're stressing about your future job but even if you want to have the opportunity to move somewhere different like if you're from Dublin you want to go to Galway or if you want to go to Utrecht there's great courses that you can do abroad and have a new completely new experience I do think sometimes you can feel trapped when you're just

continuing on education in your hometown or where you grew up in it doesn't feel like a new experience but I do think the college experience can be really beneficial I've just as I said that's like 10 times over and over again how to decenter yourself from male validation and enjoy spending time on your own number one the first part of that that that's two things to me so how to decenter yourself from male validation I would say that you do have to find the right

friendships because if you're focusing so much on male validation you're probably not getting as fulfilled from your friendships as you could be because once you realize how powerful and magical and fulfilling

those female friendships can be. I do think that you start to veer away from male validation. It also is something that comes with age. I think naturally, just as I've gotten older, I've kind of cared way less about male validation. I remember even when I was a teenager and I'd be going to discos and all I would do and be looking around to see if there were boys looking at me or that if I was fancied or if there was someone there that wanted to kiss me. You know, it was like real pathetic, you

sad shit whereas when you get older you realise you have so much more fun and enjoy your life a lot more when you're not focusing on that I think that when I realised that time was going much faster and kind of my youth was slipping away from me a little bit I was more inclined to

to not waste my time doing that because it is a total waste of time. Like majority is... And it's crazy because men used to go to war or like they used to fight each other in a big coliseum for the hand of a woman. And now it's like, why are we all fighting over... And I do think watching Love Island as well turned me off as well because it's like, why are all these hot women fighting over this malnourished, like fugly man? It just...

really annoys me and then when I was self-reflecting I was realising maybe I did that a little bit as well. It's just crazy that we do that. It's like the ugliest man ever and it's like we're lions tearing off one piece of meat. You have so much more fun if you're just out with the girlies, if you're out with your friends and having a laugh rather than looking for the approval of men. It's just...

so, so much more enjoyable. But also not to stress yourself out about it. Even you just recognizing that it's a problem and you're not wanting to do it is going in the right direction. I'm sure there's loads of times where I don't even realize that that's what I'm doing, if you know what I mean. But you will have so much more. Like, if you're going on a night out, it's so much more fun to, like, let the hair down with the girls rather than being looking around looking for someone to shag, do you know? It's just way, way more fun. How to enjoy spending time on your own. I went through a phase of this recently when I went to that cabin. I went to this cabin...

Sam Sue Cabins and spent time on my own for three days with no phone and no internet and what I found was first of all I was so bored and I feel like I hadn't been bored

in years like I really hadn't been bored in years I was so scared to be alone in my own thoughts I think I did daydream at one point for about three hours straight and I was like horrified by what was going through my brain and I felt so bad about myself for a while but then when I found that I wrote it all down guys little tip here have you ever heard about journaling making up new things if you write down all your negative thoughts

because the reason why I was so afraid or felt bored was because I wasn't comfortable sitting in my own company and it was because I didn't like the thoughts that were coming to my head and I feel like sometimes I have to work so hard to not have that negative self-talk or to tell myself that I'm horrible if I'm spending too much time on myself. I feel like I have to be distracted 24-7 so that I don't have to listen to my own thoughts because it's such hard work trying to get them to shut the fuck up

does that make sense but if you do write down all the negative self-talk that you're having in your head or how bad you're feeling even if it's just numbness sometimes I think that numbness is worse than feeling bad about yourself because feeling nothing at all is like horrific but

But if you write down all the negative self-talk that you're having, you realize how ridiculous it is. And also it puts things into perspective about how you're actually speaking to yourself. Because sometimes you can normalize it by how badly you're speaking to yourself. But if you put it onto paper, you realize how horrible or horrific it actually is living inside your head. And then once you get that out of the way, it's like a purging of what's going on in your head. You realize that you can spend really nice

alone time like now for example I cherish those days that I have where I don't really have anything to do but I'm not trying to distract myself constantly or not trying to be stimulated constantly as well and that's also the time when you get like your best ideas when you are able to make really good decisions is if you can listen to your fleeting thoughts without having this like fear that something terrible is going to pop up or that you have a fear of spending time on your own because you're going to be bored or you're not going to like yourself do you know that kind of way and it also makes other things much more enjoyable like reading or

like doing exercise and stuff that you are just completely living in your body and not living in your thoughts because you can be it can be a prison in there you can be a prison of your own thoughts it's the same thing with the decision making if you're spending so much time in your head trying to make the decision you're not living in the present moment you're not how can you be happy in the present day if you're constantly thinking about the future and decisions that you're supposed to be making when this is your life is happening right now

in front of you is it possible to evolve your individual identity while in a relationship yes you just have to spend time apart with doing your own things getting yourself out of a mental slump I'm the worst for it it's like once I'm set off I shut down I go through phases of this I do think it's

Also an ADHD thing. If you have ADHD, you can like dip from really, really productive and then go down and be burnt out. But it's probably another symptom of like, I don't know, working really hard and then not reaping any benefits from it or feeling like you're not going anywhere. If you're just scraping by all the time, you can just constantly get burnt out. I know a lot of creative people can go through this as well, where you're really creative for ages and then you kind of plateau and then go into a dip where you're feeling...

It's the same thing, like, you know, if you're a musician, for example, and you're on tour and then after that, I can imagine that you can feel real stagnant or that you have no direction and you can get into a bit of a slump. Whereas that's a perfect time to be like working on new things, writing an album, but you kind of get used to the like buzz of it or something. So I find that sometimes if there's a little bit of a lag,

where I don't have anything to look forward to for example like I don't have I'm not meeting up with a friend at the weekend I can feel a bit like oh what's the fucking point like I have nothing to look forward to or if I'm going through like a creative slump where I have nothing to speak about I don't feel like I have any interesting opinions or thoughts I can go through phases of that but sometimes

most of the time you just have to ride the wave usually what helps and it's such a I know I fucking hate myself for even saying this but usually what does help is like rigorous exercise and I don't mean like doing yoga or Pilates but like if you go to a kickboxing class or go for a run like sometimes I just want to scream on the top at the top of a mountain sort of thing but

But sometimes if me and Jason are in a slump and we're like, it's usually because we haven't spent enough time in nature and we will encourage each other to like go on a hike or like go near the sea. I do find that going near the sea is something that should be prescribed to people. I always talk about how good it is. It gives such good perspective, but also just having the fresh sea air, like,

bait you in the face is really good at waking you up. Cold water exposure therapy. I feel like those bodybuilders who do the ice plunge baths actually do know what they're talking about. So stuff like that, if you are in a slump, I would focus on, again, getting out of your head

head and going more into your body. That's like the whole theme of this podcast, but to be able to reconnect with your body more and less living in your head. And I do find as well, if you can be on your phone a lot, that can be a symptom of it, where you can get a bit, feel a bit lazy. And I know it's sort of like a self-soothing thing when you're in a slump as well, but really, if you turn the phone off, it can help with

getting back like you don't have to be productive 100% of the time I do think that's toxic advice and a part of toxic positivity and you don't need to feel bad about yourself for not being productive 100% of the time like every single day I feel different you know but you will have those days back again and it's not going to last forever and I would just advise if you do want to get over

over a bit faster is to get more connected with your body. So spending time in nature, doing a bit of exercise, going out to sea, doing a bit of journaling, staying off your phone. It's the usual shit that's going to actually help you. And probably that's probably annoying advice where you want me to do some like secret medicine, but that actually is a secret medicine, guys. Okay. Another person said, finding your career or purpose. I don't even feel like I have a dream job. It's a strange thing, feeling, because I always felt like

You know, back in the olden days where, you know, people's second name is Carpenter because they actually were a line of carpenters. And that was like when you were born or say if you were born into it as a king or queen. Like I always thought that I was meant to be a princess in a past life. Love. But, you know, if you're born into a family and they just have a lineage of some sort of career.

Say, for example, I was born into a family of like butchers and we were all just butchers. I took over the business or like a farmer. I took over the farm and then that was my destiny. And that was my purpose. Sometimes I feel like maybe that's an easier life where it's just lay day for you and you don't have to. It's like one less thing to think about. And again, what I was saying earlier, where we have is like getting paralyzed. What's choice paralysis?

well, we feel like we have so many choices that then we actually don't make any decisions or do anything with it. We just stay stagnant forever. Sometimes I do think that if a path was laid out for us, it would be much easier because there's so much focus on having to be economically valuable in life. And you'd see that again in social commentary. I'm always talking about comments, but you see that in like, say, for example, the argument with a

asylum seekers or refugees a lot of people like anti-actively anti-racist would be like well that person could be a doctor that could be a nurse whereas I think that all people are valuable regardless of what their career is I do think that people have

have a deserving spot on the planet to be safe, to be looked after, regardless of what you provide economically or financially. I do think that you're a valuable person, regardless of what your job prospects are or what your career is. In terms of, I've definitely felt fulfillment, but I don't think I've ever, and I don't think anyone ever has, even people who are working for, like the head of NGOs or working abroad, have ever felt like a...

100% purpose. I think this is kind of a made up thing to continue people making progress with their life. I don't think that it's possible to feel like this is definitely 100% for me. I think there's always going to be a part of a person looking at other people

avenues that they could have taken or the potentials of their life or different ways. It's like the butterfly effect. Like if they made a certain decision, would their life have gone in a different way? I do think every person has that, have moments in their life where they think, could my life have turned out a little bit differently if I made different decisions? So I don't think that

It's a reasonable expectation for you to think that you are going to make 100% the best decisions for yourself all the time. But all you can do is the best for you right now in this moment. And...

just weigh up your options in terms of how much you can enjoy your life by doing it. Like I had a friend who was doing software development and was working for a company and didn't like it, no, cybersecurity, and didn't like it and went back to working in a cafe because he was so much happier in working in the cafe. Now he's back to working in cybersecurity and is like selling, he does something to do with software and loves his job. But there is instances like that where

You don't have to be going on a linear path all the time and like going up and up and up. Sometimes you're going to go down a bit. Sometimes you're going to go straight for a little bit, but it's always going to be ebbing and flowing for your whole life. So you don't have to be so

pressurizing. You don't have to pressure yourself so much in thinking that you have to do whatever is perfect for you and otherwise your life is a waste of time. It's never a waste of time. And even if you don't like the job that you're in right now, there's always going to be ways that you can enhance your life outside of your job. I'm just going to answer one more. So someone said, how would you differentiate between love and attachment?

and liking your own company. In terms of relationship, I always get questions asking, how do I know if I should break up with someone? Say if your relationship has gone stagnant, how do you know if you're in love with someone? How do you know if you've fallen out of love with someone? How do I know if I actually like a person? I do think as humans, we do tend to want to have logic or reason attached to something and love especially, we haven't been able to really define. And even if you're in conversation with someone and someone asks you,

What do you love about them? A lot of times, especially to do with romantic love, it's hard to put into words. Also, if you think of like love at your siblings, love at your parents, the love that I felt for my daughter, I would never be able to put that into words. If someone asked me, what do you love about her? I loved her from the first moment I met her. I loved her before I hadn't even met her before. So I can't even attach an answer to that because I didn't know her. Like she was living inside me and I loved her already. So it's

in terms of love, I think that a lot of times we want to put a label on it or to identify it in a way that sounds rational to us. Whereas you can't do that. Like it takes the enjoyment out of it and it's not how you're supposed to act out love. You're just supposed to be feeling it. It's a feeling and it's not something that you have to attach a label or identity to. I do think it's kind of wasting the magic of love by wanting to put

label onto it or try to explain it to other people or try to explain it to yourself. I do think, again, you have to be more in touch with your body rather than your head when it comes to love. And say, for example, if you're getting butterflies, if the hairs are standing up on your forearms or at the back of your neck, do you feel at peace with this person? Do you feel safe with this person? Or do you feel nervous around them? Do you feel excited? Do you think about them when they're not around? You know, all these other things. It's not necessarily that you have to

have the same feeling for them constantly 24-7. It is like a fleeting thing, the same with happiness and sadness, like love can ebb and flow as well. But I do think that we should all just be enjoying it a bit more while we have it rather than trying to identify it or trying to explain it to ourselves. I hope that answered the question. It probably didn't, to be honest.

But anyway, I hope you liked this episode. What was I going to say? I'm taking part in a charity drag event where I'm going to be dressing up in drag and doing a performance on the 14th of March in the George. The event is called So You Think You Can Drag and I'll leave it linked in the description if you want to buy tickets. It's going to be really fun and I hope to see you there. Thanks so much for listening. Love you all.

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