my toxic relationship with God
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I've decided to do a solo series on my podcast just for a few episodes to get some things off my chest. I just need to speak on a few things. So today's episode is going to be on my toxic relationship with God. We just have a toxic relationship. From an early age, I've just been obsessed with the concept of God. In a similar way, my daughter...

She is obsessed with Peppa Pig the figurines. She loves Peppa Pig merch. She loves the concept, the idea of Peppa. But she won't watch the show. She doesn't like the show Peppa Pig but she just likes the idea of her. And I think it's the same thing with God and me. I don't want to put the work in but I like the idea and the comfort and the faith that it brings me that God exists. I don't think God should be confined to one gender. I think it's more like a

higher power sort of thing. It's just like a different entity. I don't really know my definition of it yet but I do think that God...

in itself is a very personal experience and what you believe to be true. And I have gone through periods of my life where I'm like, God doesn't exist and it's all very cynical. But the only purpose of God, believing in the existence of God, is to just give you comfort anyway. The idea that there is something else higher than us looking after us or looking down on us and it does give me a lot of comfort. Not necessarily a specific set of rules set by a religion. I

And I do think the two things are very separate. This is more just about God, less about religion. But obviously it does come into the conversation. They're also in a toxic relationship with each other. Like we can't even decide which God is the best one. I was trying to find out when religion was invented and

And I remember speaking to someone about it, an adult who knows more than me. And we were having a conversation about religion and God. And he said that the introduction of religion was only brought in after farming. But it says in this, in my research, it began with the invention of writing because that's the earliest pieces of evidence that we could find that had prayers or divine rules. And it was largely to do with the fact of like a ceremony of death and the idea of death and how to bring comfort to people in times of disaster, extreme weather conditions, that sort of thing, because they didn't have science.

or the existence or the discovery of these things yet. So everything was due to the gods or a god. So like if there was bad weather, it was because of someone's sins that were made in the community. And that's why there was a drought or storms or whatever. As the patriarchy progressed, a lot of that, the onus or the blame would have been put upon women. And I know in certain parts of the world and in certain periods, bad weather would be blamed on women's periods. The name religion, and I know it comes from the Latin word religiosus,

which means set of rules. But it was formed in the 16th or 17th centuries and religion has been a central focus of human concerns. Primitive religions were there to explain the confusing worlds of the weather, death, etc. Rituals were to appease to gods in return for favours. So that was like the OG prayer, the OG manifestation. And I do think there is a lot of overlap between spirituality and religion, traditional religions. It's

It's just the modernization, I suppose, of them because it's still giving comfort, but just in a slightly different way where there's less rules and regulations. You know, you're going to heaven or hell if you do this. There's a newer kind of form of it, like with manifestation, you know, it's like if you put bad energy towards this specific thing, it's going to happen to you.

It's kind of similar, like if you make a sin, you're going to go to hell. It was also to calm the mind from anxiety, poverty, illness and death and to keep us hopeful. And I know there's a lot of negative connotations, not even connotations, but negative things that do come with certain religions. And I know in Ireland...

we're still healing from the damage that Christianity, Catholicism has had on the country and there is huge ties still between the church and the state and we're kind of pushing away from that now but there's still kind of a bit of a lingering toxicity I'm trying to find a different word for toxic vibes and just the abuse of power you

in the priests and the nuns they were all like beaten children in schools I don't understand how that's anything to do with like God or being godly and how they didn't see that as a sin it's like they took it upon themselves to be the punisher or that they were like spoken through God to act in a certain way that was actually evil whereas like the original use or purpose of religion was to give people comfort and like guide them in a way where it was virtuous and looking after each other and it

taking on the responsibility of looking after each other being compassionate for different situations and being charitable that's what in my research that's what it says and then obviously just with the abuse of power I think that's the problem and it's not that God was the issue there or that religion in the first instance was the problem it's like

the humanity's fucking it's like our default once we get a little bit of power that we go crazy and we have to abuse it not that everyone is evil but it's just like it gets to that point where we're all killing each other or pointing the finger at someone some group of people to blame the reason why religion was so good is because it comforted people in the

time of death. You do see a lot of elderly. I know my grandparents got really into God just before they were about to die, even if they'd never been to mass or anything, because it gave great comfort to know that you'll be at peace maybe and you might meet someone along the way and you'll be looked after. Worrying, and we all know that that has no use. It has no purpose and it's not good for you, especially in a time where you're desperate for comfort. It also made us feel...

sort of significant in a way because you know if you get real existential and you start thinking we're just a floating rock in the sky we're just a speck of dust nothing matters that can also have a negative impact on your behaviour and you because you start to think that my bad behaviour doesn't matter

and the way I treat people doesn't matter. Obviously it can take away like stressful thoughts or like insecurities that you have if you have that sort of mindset but also in the grand scheme of things religion kind of gave us cosmic significance in a way where it was like if you act well in your community, if you give back to people, if you're kind and compassionate to the people around you, you will get into heaven. So it made people act in a way where it was like holding each other accountable sort of. I think they got carried away with what

defines a sin because I do think it was a lot about forgiveness and Jesus came to basically forgive our sins. Now I'm not sure if the whole Jesus thing is real or not. I think he's more of a symbol that someone came to die for our sins and forgave us and then rose from the dead and we're living a very humble life and was very generous with everything like turning the wine to water and helping the poor and helping the sick and not pushing the blame onto them saying they got themselves in that position in the first place.

The idea of Jesus was like we're all helping each other out and the more we lift up everyone the more that everyone benefits. The problem now with individualism and capitalism with shying away from religion and like the lack of belief in a God even if you don't think it's not even like necessary belief it's more just like the collective comfort of

in that we're all connected in some way and it's more just like the earth it's like not even God like as a person it's more like the universe and the earth that we're looking after and we're all connected by one thing is that we all live on the earth so like God is the earth and we are part of that so we are also God sort of thing but with the rise of capitalism individualism

and the shy away from religion is that there's a lack of community yes but also this idea that if we we can only benefit ourselves from what we focus our energy energy into it's not like if I help out my neighbor if I give them advice we're all lifting each other up it's like I need to get ahead of all these people I'm in competition with the person next to me I need to get this promotion so fuck that guy I don't want to help him out I don't want to show them my no my I

fucking leaving certain notes because the bell curve and like I want to get the most points it's just like in every level we're in competition with someone to some degree which is not good and like the opposite of what humanity needs to strive I also don't think we're confined to like we don't even know what a religion what constitutes a religion like what is a religion is it a certain set of rules because some religions don't even have any is it a shared belief in God because some religions don't even have a God and

Is it rituals and prayers and divinities? Some religions don't have them. So how can we define what a religion is? I saw in this video a school in America started teaching the students yoga. Parents came in and tried to sue the school for teaching the children Hinduism. And then the school came back and was like, this isn't

part of a religion it's part of a well-being and physical exercise rather than like because and the reason why they were able to differentiate the two from being a religious spiritual practice is

And just being a part of physical exercise is actually just the words that they were using. So instead of the like crossing your legs, I don't even know what that's called in like actually the yoga pose because I know they all have special names. But they were saying in the school crisscross applesauce like to cross your legs. But what is also great about religion is that it helps people organize and shape and shape.

have direction in their lives like for example with the idea of getting into heaven we kind of were like because what's inevitable is that we are we're all going to die that's like guaranteed every single person on the planet is going to die to make ourselves feel less worry and less stress because that's probably the worst case scenario of what can happen especially if you have a sick relative or sick child those things like are not fair and I don't think it's like

everything happens for a reason sort of thing sort of situation especially when a child is sick there's like absolutely no reason for a child to be sick or to die young but it does give people a sense of comfort that something might better might be for them after they're gone it's a nice thing and I don't think anything negative actually comes for that even if it's not true disclaimer I'm not trying to persuade anyone in any way I think that everyone should have the

the freedom to practice their own religion whatever they believe in. It was more just to open up the conversation about whether we believe in God or not because I feel like everyone has I always quote this it's my favourite quote I'm literally obsessed with it everyone has a God-shaped hole where they need faith or to believe in something more than themselves and maybe this is just because I watched Interstellar recently and I was like the black hole is coming but like that was sort of spiritual that movie I thought in a little bit of a way because it was like

messages from the past and the future time warps like that has to be something to do with God you know fuck science the first time that people started disbelieving or yeah disbelieving in religion or God was obviously the introduction to science because there were all these men writing the Old Testament being like

God created, you know, on the seventh day, God created blah, blah, blah, Adam and Eve, blah, blah, blah. We don't know whether these stories are true or not. It was more just like storytelling, giving people an answer that made sense to them so they weren't asking lots of questions. I do think all the stories, whether they're true or not, were just symbolic to teach us a lesson for some reason or other, to have a moral of the story. Will I just talk about my communion? Okay, let's bring it back to me. My first Holy Communion is the first

my introduction to God and the world of Jesus and religion. My parents themselves weren't very religious when we were growing up.

My dad is very cynical, like is, what's that word? My dad's an atheist, but grew up Catholic, obviously because he grew up in, you know, with an Irish mommy. And then my mom has gone through periods of being like very, very strict, strictly religious. Like when she was in secondary school, she'd kind of be like, oh my God, don't have sex before marriage sort of thing. And she climbed Crow Patrick in her bare feet. Like it was just more. And for her, it was when she was in during a really stressful time of her life and she found comfort in God.

And she actually used to go to, which is a really... There's been so many synchronicities in my life that don't make any sense where the only answer that I can give them is God. And I know that some people are being like, it's pattern recognition in your brain. Fuck off. Let me believe in it. My mom, when I moved here, my mom told me that the church that she used to walk from her house, she used to walk from her house to this church and she'd go to it like every day when she needed...

answers from God or to talk to someone and it's the church that's actually like a two minute two minute down the road and this is like a real random town that I live in and it's the church that's two minutes down the road from me so it was a real special sort of connection and

that we share together because it is a beautiful church so I go in there sometimes and it's not even to feel close to God but it's like it's a part of my mother as well that lives in there you'll probably know that even if you're not religious if you're atheist agnostic if you go into a place of worship like a church it's like the feeling when you're meditating or taking deep breaths it's like

total calm I have never felt anxious or like worried in a church before in my life and it is just because it's like the energy of the place in the room and I also do think collective positive thoughts towards one thing or collective prayer towards a person you can call it whatever you want does make a difference because the power of the mind does act out in a way like if you think positive thoughts and you're grateful you'll seek out more gratitude in your life and like your body's organs actually react differently

I'm not a neuroscientist, but I do love neuroscience books. Your brain basically controls your whole body. So if you're giving it positive thoughts, if you're giving yourself compliments, if you're thinking positively, it's going to have a positive impact on your body as well and how you act out your life and your future. And it's like your destiny and whatever. So I think that if we have collective prayer towards a person and if it does give you a sense of calm or serenity or like comfort or whatever,

That is also going to have a positive impact on your health and the people around you and give you the ability to express love in a more authentic way. Sorry, my first Holy Communion. So this was my first introduction to God. My parents were like not into going, like we never went to mass. I think the only time I went to mass was probably when I went to a funeral. Funeral? I actually haven't been to a funeral in a long time. Going to funerals or wakes and as a child, obviously you'd be so uncomfortable. You're just like, what the fuck's going on? In an all black outfit. It's very...

It's not a nice situation to be in. Like it's not a nice thing to be going to necessarily and to be experiencing or to be having the religious experience. Like a funeral is always the last thing you want to go to. The best on the scale of like religious ceremonies, obviously the top would be marriage. Like that's the kind of shit you want. Oh, and I would have been to christenings actually as well, like my sister's christenings.

There's pictures of me like up on the thing. And my own christening, obviously, duh. But when my Holy Communion was first coming up and I remember you got this special candle that you lit. When you did your first Holy Communion, I was a fucking buzzing to get the holy bread. Oh my God. Because anytime we'd been to a religious ceremony, now it only had been like christenings. Maybe my granny used to make us go to mass the odd time. But it was never with my parents. It was always like a real...

I was like oh we're going to mass I did have one friend who I'd sleep over in her house and her mom would make her go to mass and now that I think back on it I'm like that's crazy that you went to mass every Sunday just for the type of people they were because I always have now in my head

a religious person is very specific type of person whereas like where I grew up it was very normal to go to mass every Sunday and it was just like everyone did it like regardless of your character your income or like the type of person you were everyone went to mass every Sunday and it was like a community get together and everyone was having a gossip and everyone was having a chinwag and they were all like fucking wearing their Sunday best and

And I always thought as a child, this is a buzz because you get to hang out with your friends outside of school so you can do whatever you want. At the back of our church, we had like the community hall, which is also where I did my stage school.

So I was tap dance, tippity tap dancing in there. But after mass, you could go in there and have bickies and stuff. I don't know if Sunday school went on in there. I don't know what happened, but all I knew is they got bickies. So when my first Holy Communion was coming around, I was like 80% of my class go to mass every Sunday because I couldn't believe it when I went. I slept over at my friend's house that night and the next day we went and I was like, wait, all the homies are up in this bitch and I'm never... It's like...

I just realized that a party had been happening every single Sunday and I was never invited. So then when my first Holy Communion was coming up, I was like, ma'am, I want to start going to mass every Sunday because the priest is saying we are like followers of Jesus now and we're devoting our lives to Jesus. So I need to go to mass every Sunday and I need to brush up because I also was a little bit of a teacher's pet. I wanted approval because I wasn't getting it off my parents. So you know what's better approval than your parents' approval? God's. I said to my mom, ma'am, can we start going to mass every Sunday?

And she was like, okay. Now, in fairness, my mom, like a lot of parts of her, like we did buttheads a lot growing up. But anytime we had, and this is probably why I have so many notions all the time, is because she would pump us up. If we had a new hobby idea, if we just had a new notion, if we had this new idea, she would be like, abso-fucking-lutely we're going towards that. So if I was like, I want to go to mass every Sunday, she was like, okay.

No problem. But then after a while, I think she was like, I'll just drop you off and pick you up because I don't want to sit through that. Like for her, that was absolute torture. And I don't think it was because it was the actual mass or the actual ceremony. Obviously, to me, I thought it was. I was like, why don't you believe in God? But it was more just the community and the people were going there because it's not like my experience where I get to see all my friends. It's like she's seeing all her ops at the fucking church. So I was like, OK, fair enough. My communion was coming up and it's like a whole affair. And you get to wear a white dress and it's all about you. Obviously, you get money in a card.

And thank God, my communion now was during the Celtic Tigers. So as you can imagine, oh girls, those cards were thick. My dad wasn't there. He was working. He was doing a lot of traveling at that time.

I'm not sure. So he was doing something so he wasn't able to make my communion. So I actually had two communions. I had a fake communion and I had my real communion. So one I held for my dad where I got my hair did. I got my dress on and I got to take photos with my dad in the back garden. And I wasn't even making my communion. This was before my communion, before he went to wherever he was going. And then I had my actual real communion where it was like all my cousins, all my aunties and uncles, my cousin curled my hair.

I got a veil I got a fucking solo and I got to wear you know oh my god I'm actually I'm getting buzzed thinking about it but I had a little like I borrowed my dress now from my cousin we were very much like it was hand-me-downs I think my next cousin then got to wear that one and then the next cousin after that I also wore my cousin's Debs dress like I feel so bad for Katie because I just got her hand-me-downs for everything my parents were like handy no problem don't care if it doesn't fit you get into it and then all the other community dresses have been just in circulation with everyone else but I got to wear a tiara that was the best part a little veil

And in all the home movies, it's like obviously zooming up on me at the altar and I'm like this, the best little girl. And my tiara is like slipping off my head and all my family were like laughing in the audience, in the crowd. And I got a solo line, but like obviously everyone got a solo line. But to me, I was like, they want me. This is perfect. But it was also an introduction to all the beautiful hymns. I now do think that

hymns sung in a church, choirs, music that has to do with worship. Worship music, I think, is so beautiful. It is like the nicest thing because the frequency that it's played at, it's obviously meant to make you feel a type of way. And it's just gorgeous. Oh my God, it was so beautiful. And that was my introduction to singing as well, really, because I was really encouraged, you know, because the whole class things together. I think I did not to show off. I think I did get a little bit of a solo up in this bit. So I got my solo at the Holy Communion. So I was thinking,

They want me. See, I've gotten God's approval now. I had my little handbag. I had my little white kitten heel. I had my white tights on. I had my cousin's dress was a little bit too big on me. The tiara slipping off my head. I was divided. I was having the best time. But I do remember on the day when I showed up, there were these girls in my class and they had real... I'm not joking. They had real flowers in their hair.

I can't compete with that. I don't know where the fuck they got that. Real flowers, real little flowers braided into their hair. I thought that's fucking crazy. And I was like, who? Like you had professionals come in and do your hair and your makeup? That's crazy. I had my cousin curling my hair for me with a GHD iron. I did actually sneak it, sneak a communion because I think in the practice your communion actually do get to taste the holy bread. I don't think your actual communion you get is the first time. It's the first time you get to go up and you're like,

Oh my god I was so delighted with myself Even though it's literally rotten And it makes you more hungrier for some reason But that was my first introduction to like God, Jesus Then after that I kind of moved on It was probably like Brats or Barbies No it was actually stage school That's when I was like Okay no we're not going to mass every Sunday I want to go to Billy Barry So I was like it's stage school now And that was like a little bit of religion for me Because it was like you get to see your mates Now I didn't have any friends in Billy Barry So I don't know why I'm saying that But you get to see other people your age on the weekend

you get to sing, you get to dance and it's like your Holy Communion every single week.

you're basically worshipping. So I did my Holy Communion. I don't think I was in mass then much after that. We'd do it in school because I was in a Catholic school. So we'd go, but we'd be messing because at that stage I was like getting interested in boys and just figured out what makeup was and Kiss magazine. So it was like curtains, good night. I'm not thinking about God or Jesus right now. I am only thinking about colouring in my eyebrows and what's inside my bedroom segment of Kiss magazine. Oh my God. So then anyway, my confirmation rolls around and this is like a much, much more stressful experience. I remember because it's

it's less straightforward you get to wear your own clothes and I was at a really really awkward age where I was slightly hitting puberty and I was becoming self-conscious about my body you know parts of my body were growing that was like disproportionate to the rest of my body if you know what I mean like I had hips but my legs were still like a tiny child legs and then I had the awkward you know when you have like the inverted nip

and then people were getting training bras and I was like, mammy, I need a bra and she was like, no, you don't. And I remember I had one singular hair, like one singular pube on my vagina and I was like, this is disgusting. But it was just a really uncomfortable time. So then when we started...

a lot of the time in class is just taken up by going to mass and talking to the priest and talking about your sins. And like most of the time I was just making them up because I actually couldn't think on the spot because when you're a child you don't know. Like if you have a fight with your sibling you always think you're in the right because it always starts because of them. Which is true. If you're the older sibling you probably were right. When my confirmation rolled around I was like got kind of into the swing of it again and because I was so...

self-conscious and like it's the first period of your life when you hit puberty where you're so obsessed with what other people think of you and I think that's the the thing that we lose in childhood is that we don't give a shit and obviously some kids are really annoying and that's literally because they don't give a shit about what you think about them

like they don't care they only care about their parents that's how they're able to have like laugh really loudly in public make a game out of everything that's how toddlers are able to have tantrums in public because they're not conscious of other people's perception of them or what other people think they don't care about social norms they don't care about like making people feel comfortable everywhere they are they don't care about being polite and you know that sort of crack

But then when you hit puberty and it's a real all of a sudden change as well. And it's like because it is chemical like the puberty, it's like certain hormones that are being introduced in your body and the production of certain hormones that you may not have had before, I think, or just like on an increased level. So you're having all these changes of your body and then also in your mind. So you're thinking a lot of negative things and it's horrible. So when I started going back to mass during the confirmation years, I was like, thank God something happened.

Thank God, literally. Thank God getting to think about something other than myself and what other people think about me. Because at that point as well, I was so obsessed with wanting boys to like me or being accepted by the cool group in school or whatever. So I would act in any fucking way to make myself seem the best. But when...

it probably is very dependent on the type of priest you have as well because I do remember going to some masses where you'd actually just it was a proper snooze fest like it was literally like he was trying to make it boring on purpose and then sometimes you get priests that it's like really engaging and actually makes you you know it's like getting a good teacher in school you're like you're always going to learn more if you have a really engaged really enthusiastic teacher who wants you to learn about the things but then if you get a teacher who fucking hates their life and doesn't like their job and doesn't even like the subject that they're

that they're teaching, you're most likely going to zone out as well. So it's the same thing when you get a really good priest in Mass.

You're getting into it. You're listening to the stories. They're adding their own anecdotes. I had a priest once go up and just be like, we don't hate gay people. We actually love them. I don't know why they're all saying that. And I was like, wait, this guy's a legend. So that was good. I know some of them, they're like, they don't even like when you sing. There was complaints after, I think it was Shane McGowan's mass, where they were like, it was a disgrace that they were all singing along during the religious ceremony. That's crazy to me because that's how they were worshipping the...

the deceased you know I don't understand that so some of these rules don't really make sense to me and they're like they're but they're kind of lenient in a way yeah when it came up to my confirmation I was into the swing of it again I wanted to go every week again I wanted to see my friends on the weekends I wanted to be involved and I wanted to see if what the sky was all about I wanted to know I wanted to know if I was going to get into heaven or not then after my communion same sort of thing happened

I just didn't have the... I was too focused on who liked me and my tits growing in. So it was just... And puberty from then on. Sometimes when I missed school, I would go into mass because I was right next to the church, my secondary school. And I would go into mass, I'd light a candle and I'd sit down. I wouldn't do the whole getting on my knees, praying thing, but I would sit there and think about the things that I wanted. Which...

which was so bad and selfish because as a teenager I would literally be going in praying that a guy would like text me back or would like me it would never be like oh I wish my mom has a good night's rest tonight or you know that my siblings stay healthy it was always self-serving and

and just fucking like if I pray to God he's going to grant me this wish. It was kind of like genie in a bottle sort of situation. So that was my association with mass and God and how it just spoiled the experience. I don't know, I spoiled the experience for myself. And then I never kind of went back there again. My mom now does, if we go into new counties together she'll always make us go into the local church and light a candle. So the act that, or that's

small it's like a small ceremony that my mom would do for other people and it was never lighting a candle for yourself you'd always light candles for other people so that was like the main thing it would make you think about it think for a second and send positive thoughts send posi vibes to someone in your life like you'd send them to your granny or like your friend who was struggling or anyone like I'd send them to my mom as well so that always was a really nice piece of a piece of God that my mom integrated into our lives and

in a way where we would think about someone other than ourselves and then after that my whole idea of God or we like kind of shifted to the universe and this was the introduction of like the secret manifestation and also my mom got a little very much see my mom is like

is actually the main influencer in my life. She's like the influencer. After her breakup, she was literally in her glow up era and she was like, it's time to start learning how to read tarot cards. Like she is literally an icon. But she also made me and my sisters all do tarot card reading classes.

So we all learned how to do that and she would also start doing these ceremonies with us called the cosmic ordering. So if there was a new moon or a full moon you'd either write down all the things that you want to let go of or you would do a ceremony and write down all the things that you want to bring into your life. And there were loads of very specific things that I used to write down because a large period of my life I'd say from the

point from my... when I was 12 to 21 I never had like a really close friend and it was literally only... it's only my fault. Like it wasn't anyone else's. It was just... I couldn't deal with my insecurities and I had really... I'll do a separate episode on that but all my cosmic orderings was always that I wanted to have a group of friends or a best friend and that all started when I was like 18, 19 or I'd ask for a boyfriend you know shit like that and then I'd get a boyfriend and...

And then I would start making a group of friends. And all the friends that I met in that period of my life thereafter. Like I met Jason in that period of my life. Rhys my best friend. And.

and Ash my best friend to me that was confirmation that the universe was working in my favor and that was like I'm going to keep doing this sort of thing and it would that was like a tiny prayer for myself and then things I wanted to let go of was like jealousy and insecurities and all obviously people would be like it was just because you were setting the intentions yourself and then because you wanted to make a change your your mind and your body did but I think the act of prayer or the act of like asking the universe is technically just asking yourself or your head to start working in a way where it's benefiting you and not

being your worst enemy and that is a little piece of God also as well. After that it all gets a little bit toxic again because it was real like it was more so to do with capitalism and that I was in my early 20s and that's a really really tough time in your life where you don't know what you want to do where it feels like everybody else has their life figured out and what they want to do but you're like struggling on the inside not knowing all the answers. It's as if everyone else got this like guidebook on how to do everything and you're the only one who missed out and didn't get it.

So I felt like a fucking disaster that my life was falling apart literally every single day and I never knew what decisions like if I was making the right decision if I was going in the right direction I literally had no idea what I wanted to do so I was just like trying out a fucking huge load of things but now in hindsight now that I'm 27 which by the way is the sexiest age ever now I'm like

now in hindsight that was actually the period of my life where I should have been trying out loads of things and I wish I just stopped worrying and stressing about it and was just like it's good that you tried out loads of things during that period of your life and if you don't know what you want to do that's literally grand like you don't have to have it figured out at all but it was just the fact that I thought I had to start working towards something then and there and it's like my future self would be pissed off but I'm not pissed off at myself at all for trying out all those new things it was more just the fact that I was stressing and worrying about it so much that ruined everything

my experience of it because I could have been having so much more fun if I knew that that was okay. This is when I during my early 20s was very much like manifesting

manifestation writing to God writing to the universe but it was all to do with me it was never to do with my community or like the people around me it was all just self-serving I want to make x amount of money I want this job and now I did work through them but that was just me setting goals but the fact that I was conflating the two being like I'm asking the universe and making this a religious ceremony and like this is a worship when that was actually the fucking opposite of what I was doing that was not me like having a little bit of God in my life that was literally just me

setting goals for myself, like literally fucking diary of a CEO shit. It was like diary of a CEO. Dear diary. When I was like, dear God, you know, when really I should have been saying dear CEO. And there's no shame in that. I'm not saying that that's wrong, but it's just the fact that I was like,

praying to a god or the universe when like that's such a special thing to do you should only be saving that for like helping the whole the world as a whole rather than just yourself as an individual or like helping the people around you that's when I was like I don't believe in this shit anymore like I don't know what I believe in it's all just a bit fucked up right and then when I was giving birth this is when shit really pops off for me and this is why I've been questioning whether god exists or god exists

a god or if god exists is from the moment that I gave birth and it's a hard feeling to describe because I can't remember the pain now I know that it was a lot of pain and I the only way I could describe it but it felt is as if the hands of the devil were wrapped around my hips and pushing them together

that's what it felt like, the pain. And that's the way I described it the day after that it happened. But the experience of giving birth and the act of giving birth was the closest to God I've ever felt because you're so, obviously because you're so out of it. And I only took a few puffs of gas and air before anyone starts questioning if I was hallucinating from the gas and air. It started making me feel sick, so I stopped taking it. So I don't think it was the hallucinations from the gas and air. But because I was getting them before anyway, when the contractions were really bad and before I got the gas and air,

It felt like the most religious experience I've ever had in my life. And it was like as if a beam was coming up from above my head and like my daughter's soul was coming into my body from the heavens. Like that is the only way I could describe it and why I am still questioning it. And I want it. It's like I need someone to talk about it with. Does anyone else? Is anyone else relating right now? And my sisters are very into God and praying and saying grace.

And it's not attached to any specific religion, but they just do believe in God and they will say, like, bring it into conversations that God is looking out for you. And it's not a per... I don't think it's like... It's not a person and it's not for us attached to any religion, but it's just like... It's almost like just a saying, like, of comfort and of... And it's more just like each other looking out for...

ourselves. Because we're all God and experiencing God in some way. Does that make sense, my bros? To end this podcast, this is also my favorite segment of the podcast is when I have listener contributions and hear what you have to say. Because sometimes if you're talking to yourself for nearly over an hour, you can get kind of confused and also a bit one dimensional and binary because you have no one challenging you or asking you questions about it. All I'm doing is talking to myself really. So having listener contributions always helps.

rethink things and make it into a more conversational topic rather than just like a one-sided opinion. So someone said I don't believe in God or any kind of religion but I do believe in a higher power or some form of afterlife. I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school. Church always made me anxious as a child and as I grew older I started to disagree with a lot of teachings and beliefs that I've been taught in school. Around this time I learned that my mother was a

So I started going to her demonstrations and listening to her work and was fascinated. It completely ruined any belief in heaven and hell for me. What

One night that really confirmed it for me was when she came to me and said that a woman we knew years ago was coming through to her and this woman was very much well and alive so we were both confused. Well three days later she was found to be passed away from a random heart attack in her sleep. It really confirmed for me that this was real and everything I had been taught up to that point

to me anyway, was not. I have so much more I could share on my spiritual beliefs and experiences, but I would write for days. Okay, I obviously need to message this person after because that does sound very interesting. Someone else said, and I tried to get a mixture of opinions so that it wasn't just one-sided or biased in any way. I lost my best friend when we were 22. I've never believed in God, but would say I'm spiritual.

also went to a Christian school which gave me the God ick honestly. A girl we went to school with but didn't know well came to her funeral and then found me at the wake. She said she had a dream three days before she passed away that my friend had died and

and God had told her she was safe and happy. She said it felt so real that she actually checked her socials to make sure she hadn't died. Then a few days later, got the news. I've never known what to make of it but it makes me feel more at peace in some ways. I don't know. I'm 25 and I found God this year. My friend randomly brought me to a Christian church back in February and I loved it

and kept going. I was baptised in Portmarnock Beach in June. Since finding God, my life has 360'd and I've never felt more calm. Having a relationship with God has completely healed my anxiety and taken away my anger and depression, giving me a lot more patience...

and made me a genuinely nicer person overall and every prayer of mine has been answered almost within a 24 hour period every time. Okay someone said my mum passed away when I was 15 Jesus and she was a single parent to three kids and we were very low income. How could a God make a woman suffer with cancer throughout her whole body when she had already suffered so much in life?

And then someone wrote this.

I've never heard this before.

Believing in God has helped me so much. Developing self-compassion for myself and knowing that there is something beyond has helped me get out of a really dark place. Someone said, Science says matter can change but never be created slash disappear. So I don't understand how billions of people could have died and just disappeared.

in brackets, their soul, and billions are to come and their souls somehow come from nowhere? I've actually never thought of that before. Someone said, Yes, I don't believe in a masculine one God, Christianity, etc. But I believe that we are all expressions of the divine. I've seen this in psychedelic trips and felt it in meditation slash yoga. Sounds so woo-woo, but it feels like a remembering of the magic I felt as a child. I also...

I also ask the universe for signs and I always get them. I feel divinely protected and guided in my life but I also believe we are the co-creators of our reality. I also think our world is designed too perfectly to be an accident and they're all the ones I took. I did get a lot of contributions from

And I do think it's such an interesting conversation and one that we don't talk about on a daily basis because if I asked that question if I was at the pub being like, do you guys believe in God? Everyone would be like, are you okay? I'd be getting too deep, do you know? And I probably would feel uncomfortable if someone asked me that question as well because I don't know what the answer is. But I just do like having the conversation and wondering if there's something out there, not necessarily controlling because...

Or creating. I do think that all the bad things like. Diseases, war and poverty. Is all created by humans dysfunction. Like poverty is created because there's mismanagement of. Or not a.

what's that word? Mobilization of resources and wealth. It's all like concentrated in a small percentage of the world. A lot of diseases are perpetuated by like climate change and the heat increasing and that means the increase of spread of diseases, lack of sanitation in countries where they can't afford it. And then wars is literally just created by men who want to show off how big their dicks are. And a lot of times wars are created over religion. So it is kind of difficult to

decide whether God is real or not because I don't think God would want us to be fighting with each other. But I also am coming up with my own understanding of what God is.

And I don't think it's a who, but maybe more of a what. And I do think it's in whatever it is, it's in all of us and it's in nature and it's in the earth and not necessarily controlling us, but it's just part of us, a part of us to guide us and help us throughout life. But this was such a fun episode and thanks so much for listening and be sure to rate my pod, follow my pod for more and hopefully you have fun listening to my solo series.

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