the year everything changed
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I'm so excited for this episode. This will be like my first, I think, ever sort of self-carry episode of this podcast. And I'm bringing it back to my roots because for a while there, I was like, I'm not qualified enough to give people life advice because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. But now for this year, and the reason why I'm making this episode is because I put up a TikTok recently where I...

said, I announced on the internet that I had achieved everything that I set out to in 2024. There are a few contributing factors to this. And also I'm going to break it down because it is a lengthy process to how to actually achieve goals. Sometimes I do like listen to these sort of CEO type girl, like hot girl walk podcasts. That's the only genre I could put them in. But you know, those are kind of self-help-y, cut to the chase kind

one-liner self-help affirmations where it's like leave what no longer serves you and you're the most important thing in your life and anytime I listen to these things I find very difficult to apply them to my life because there was a lot of obstacles in my way that were all about me and I had to do a lot of work on myself to be able to actually achieve anything or to apply like a general sort of self-carry type lifestyle to my life it's just because I felt very damaged

I don't know if anyone else experiences this because even speaking about it, I feel like there's something wrong with me or that I'm a spoiled brat or that I'm making stuff up or I'm being dramatic. This is going to make sense if you just keep listening. People listening to this, if you've watched me for a long time, I mean like a few years, like five years on YouTube, you'd probably be able to notice this sort of undercurrent of, for want of a better word, trauma. The undercurrent of something dark happening.

And I've always felt like there's something deep within me that's very, very dark. Not evil now, but something very damaged, like a bird with the broken wings inside me that keeps trying to flutter away and fly. Or like I was a caged animal and people kept poking at me. And then the way that I reacted was always like a caged animal instead of like a normal person, which is like a normal pedigree Labrador dog that you see off the lead in Marley Park. Does

Does that make sense? I always felt like this must mixture of breed. You know those dogs where it's like, what breed is your dog? And the owners don't even know. I've always had a dog like that where they're like adopted and we don't even know what breed they are. I've always felt like this sort of, like there's something seriously, seriously wrong with me and I don't know what it exactly is. And anytime I went to talk therapy, now talk therapy has been

invaluable in some aspects of my life. But trying to figure out this sort of deep-seated... It wasn't insecurity. It was like deep-seated, deep-rooted shame that I felt...

For just being myself. It manifested in different areas in my life. For example. If someone got too close to me. I'd push them away. Because I was like. If you know the real me. You'll know how disgusting and horrible I am. I don't even like myself. It's much more than just insecurities. Like I don't think it's even insecurity. It's like something that I actually think is.

wrong with me. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down? Is this getting too deep too quick? Maybe. I should have edged it in. There's a lot of reasons why I felt like this. I've kind of had it for my whole life basically since like children first start experiencing shame from the age of like six or seven which is horrible to think of because why can't we just be feel shameless and free for our whole lives? But children start experiencing shame and embarrassment around the age of six and seven. So it started around then and then obviously it

teenagehood was just like I was the basic run of the mill teenager where I was like angry at everyone and blaming everyone else for my downfalls while also hating myself a little bit but then from the ages of 17 to 18 I had a very bad experience I've talked about it a little bit or like and I don't want to make excuses for the way my life has turned out and said that this is the

100% the only reason why my life has gone in the way it has. But it has had a really negative impact on me and it took me a long time to admit that. My first relationship was really highly abusive, like in every sense of the word. Trigger warning, I'm not going to go into detail about what happened. But the reason why, and this is going to make sense in a second. So this happened, obviously I'm 27 now, so this happened around 10 years ago. From the years following from that, and I read these books with these unlikable characters where they have this, there's a side story where

the character has like an illness that they won't go to the doctor to see about or say they're in debt and they're not paying it off it's kind of keep the reader on their toes and you feel a little bit anxious watching their story if you read that book tennis lessons and the girl has an infected toe but she won't go and tell her mom that she has an infected toe she won't go to the doctor so it just keeps getting more and more swollen and more infected to the point where as a reader you think that she's going to have to get her toe amputated and it's like

something it's not the focal point of the story but it's like something that's hidden underneath that you're like just go to the doctor that was kind of happening to me following on from these traumatic years of my life where I wouldn't actually address what the issue was for example every time I went to go to talk therapy I would only talk about my parents divorce and then my boyfriend sort of after that

to the point where I was getting misdiagnosed at random things where I wasn't going into that wanting a diagnosis and those kind of there was a slight sense of relief because I was like maybe that's what the dark deep-seated shame is from one of these things like I actually just have a mental illness that you're going to diagnose me with when actually that's not what I wanted to do and I wasn't

constructive in any way and it wasn't helping me in becoming a better person and also liking myself a little bit more and you also can't hate yourself into submission you can't hate yourself into someone that you're going to like and I knew all of these things from listening to my CEO girl boss hot girl walk podcast I can't hate myself into someone that I'm going to like right

So I was like, there's something seriously wrong with me because it felt as if everyone else had this sort of secret or is everyone going by breezing by life, loving themselves and knowing what they want to do and knowing that everything is going to turn out right? Like I would fall asleep at night thinking,

something terrible is going to happen to me. Like something, I'm going to end up in prison. Do you know that sort of thing? And the reason why this happened was, is obviously the trauma that I never addressed all those years ago, 10 years ago. And the reason why this is so prevalent in my life right now today is because this, my abuser,

is actually in course. Basically, the running theme of my whole 2024 is because all of this trauma was coming back up and stuff that I'd shoved down so much that I actually forgot that it even happened. And then other things like friends not believing in me, not getting the right reaction from people that are supposed to be protecting you. And obviously this has had like a

spiritual and emotional and mental impact on me but I came out largely unscathed because I'm still alive like you're constantly seeing on the news about these women who are losing their lives at the hands of men but anyway this was re-triggering for me number one because he didn't just stop at me and for a long time I thought because I had this deep-seated shame and there was something seriously wrong with me I thought on some level that I deserved that treatment from him because there's something wrong with me or I caused him to

to behave in that way because I'm unruly or really difficult to be in a relationship with. So these are all the things that I told myself and...

to some degree it was kind of comforting because it was not just like something actually bad happened to you and you have to deal with it I was like kind of blaming myself and then maybe telling myself I was actually being a bit dramatic and making it up your peers at that age you know from the age of 17 everyone thinks that you're being a little bit dramatic when you tell a story everyone thinks that you're embellishing stories so when I came to tell people or what was looking for assistance or help no one kind of gave me a reaction where it was like oh this is very serious

It was kind of just like, now my parents, in fairness, they went to the school and they went to his parents and everything, but obviously nothing came of it. The reason why this was triggering is because the fact that he'd affected another person, it wasn't even me, that was number one, it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve that treatment. He obviously has something seriously wrong with him. Number two, because I feel like I didn't speak up enough or I didn't fight enough for myself that I have now...

subsequently affected other people because I didn't do anything take it more seriously I should have could have would have done all of these things to protect those women he's now affected over the course of 10 years the reason why this has led me to achieving everything wait what the fuck

See, this is why I can't make a self-help podcast. I'm like, let's talk about something really dark. Okay, women should be talking about these things because this might be... This might encourage someone else to do something, take actions into their own hands and take something a little bit more seriously and not...

Gaslight yourself Into thinking that You're being dramatic Or you're making things up All of those things Actually did happen to me And it was very serious And it did affect It did have negative Implications on my life I mean I over sexualised myself I was like Had no respect for my body I was so dissociated I think at the time Because of the people I was surrounding myself with I thought that That was really normal Like not looking after my body Now actually looking back At that period of my life I just want to

again, want to shove it underneath something. The past few years, I've kind of been just like, I need to get on with my life because I'm not helping myself. And obviously my daughter had a, it was a big contributor to that because when you're a parent, it's like, like,

life is more important than just you and I suppose I thought that I didn't deserve to be looked after or didn't know how to look after myself I don't know which one it was the reason why 2024 was such a transformative year for me and my friend Bronte who was like you know one of these people where you think they were probably mother nature in a past life or she just seems really connected to the ether and she knows loads of stuff about the planets and stuff she just seems like she's very like she has the gift have you ever heard of women especially Irish women being like oh yeah I've the gift

Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't know. Maybe it's just my ma. She's a bit woo-woo. But my ma would be like, oh yeah, she has the gift now. You know, if someone like...

is a bit... a little bit psychic. Jason's mom is a bit the same. She has the gift. A little bit psychic. Like, Jason's mom, when she first met me, apparently was like, you're going to marry that woman. Do you know what I mean? Love. But anyway, Bronte has a little bit of the gift. But she was saying, because I was saying all this stuff to her. Now, this is not stuff to do with my ex. The way 2024 started out for me, and I suppose it was public enough, but then obviously as time went on, I was like, oh, this is obviously meant to happen because, whoa. At the start of the year, I was like, this is... like, why is so much shit happening? And then I moved out with my...

I fell out with my dad and step-mom. And this is another thing that's affecting my relationship. Now, I will take this on board. This is one of my goals for 2024 was to get better at conflict resolution because I find it difficult. Now, I know my therapist would say it's because of the abuse of ex-boyfriend, but I find it very difficult to discern if people deserve to be in my life or not based off of their behavior. So I will just...

at the drop of a hat, cut someone off or I will take on... Like it's very dependent on the situation. So if I have the ability to run away and cut them out of my life completely, I'll do that. But sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out whether the behavior is good or bad. Does that make sense? Am I even making any sense here? All of these things do have valid points to them and there were reasons behind it. I wasn't being a total drama queen, but at some level, like I could have just communicated and that's one of my... It's not one of my strong suits.

even though I'm like, I talk shy for a living, but communicating on a relationship level and talking about my feelings with people that it actually concerns, I find very difficult, which is why I probably talk more on the internet because it's not to anyone directly. It's actually more just speaking to myself. But anyway, I found it very difficult

conflict resolution as you know fell out with my mum after I gave birth fell out with Jason then after I gave birth and it's always when my mental health is bad like I just can't communicate to people what I need and it's like I just want to run away and be alone then fell out with my dad and my step-mom like it was just my life was a fucking shit show obviously

the common denominator here is me and you know I just at the start of 2024 I remember all my close friends I was like guys I'm starting to think that I'm the problem anyway so I may set out at the start of the year I was like I need to fucking suck it there's something obviously seriously wrong with me again now this wasn't as dark I was like I need to get better at communicating I need to be I need to get over the stubbornness and the resentment and

Because it's actually only harming me. Like I... It was almost self-harm. I really just wanted things to change. So at the start of the year... I set out and I was like... I'm going to change all of my relationships. And that was including the relationship...

I had with myself. So I wanted to get better at communicating. I wanted to be better at like being mature adults and being able to use conflict resolution skills and be able to be compassionate and see where other people are coming from. And also the idea that not everyone is out to get you. I think I just thought like, you don't understand me and you don't want me to, you know,

you don't know how hard things are for me when obviously everyone has shit going on in their lives. Do you know that kind of way? At the start of the year, I really knuckled down. I was like, I'm going to heal my relationships with people and that's what I want to do. I got so close to my mom. My mom is literally the motherfucking G right now. And me and my sister, me and Ellie when we were meeting up, we're like, it's actually class.

because you know when you meet up with your sisters and it's like try not to talk about her parents behavior challenge level impossible so me and Ellie were meeting up and we were like it's actually class we have nothing to talk about because mom is being a fucking legend at that this stage of your life especially your late 20s early 30s when you start having your own kids the dynamic of your relationship with your parents changes so much because you can kind of shift into a caretaker for them then as well because you have the the

the capacity to do that you're not looking that much for help from them well at some time obviously I am like emotional support or whatever but my mom has been such a legend she's been looking after her mother my granny who's been in a nursing home so we got so close and we just and we didn't really like have to hash anything out or go through a big like fucking you know couples counselling or anything like that but our relationship appealed so much just because I was able to let go of this like

What? Sort of a chip on my shoulder, I would say. Like something... I just was not able to forgive for past treatments or the way they'd gone about things because I wouldn't have gone about that. Especially because I'd just become a mother and I was like, I wouldn't have parented like this so I don't know why you parented... You know what I mean? Whereas like, the accessibility to different information...

was so different to when we were kids to now. And the kind of help that they had then was very different and the expectations upon women was very different. So I understand that now. But I was able to heal that relationship with my mother to the point where I would say she's actually a motherfucking G. I have since repaired the relationship. Now, there wasn't a... It's almost like changing your idea of what you want that relationship to look like because I was kind of using...

examples from movies or maybe books that I've read or when I was out I remember sometimes when I was having going through like shit with my ma or going through shit with my dad and you'd see kids around my age like out with their parents and you'd see them in public and you were like why can't we be like that but I'm sure that people have seen me and my ma's relationship because we're very like

vibrant when we're with each other does that make sense and animated so I'm sure that people have thought that as well when I'm out with my mom it's a thing you don't know what's going on when they're at home or like what their relationship is actually like based off of just a first impression of seeing people out but I would see people like online or in person in movies with these seemingly really close relationships with their parents I really wanted to repair the relationships with my parents and I also was harming my daughter in that as well because she wants to be a part of her grandparents life and

And even though there's like still issues, you know what I mean? There's always going to be fucking issues with families. And I am a very flawed person and they're flawed people as well. And that's something that I just had to accept. That was like the first time I list for my 2024 goals list.

This is so not CEO. But I wanted to repair my relationship with people. And then I repaired my relationship with Jason as well because of that. Like, I didn't actually expect for that to happen. It wasn't... I wasn't like, get back together with Jason on my dream board. But I was like, I wanted to have a good relationship with him. Like, my intention was to have a good co-parenting relationship with him, realistically, which I thought we were doing a good job at. But it was almost as if my brain...

because after I had my daughter, I could only focus on one relationship at a time. Does that make sense? It was like I couldn't do it. Like I was so, I don't, this is probably not the right word, but I felt so weak. Like I just didn't have the tools or like the words or the energy to be able to work on more relationship than once. But then once I started getting a bit stronger when I was living with my dad, I had a really good routine with my daughter.

I was exercising every day. I was reading a lot. I was spending a lot of time with myself and thinking about thinking thoughts. Thoughts are being thunk.

And I would just became like because the power of your like your mind is so powerful. You will come up with the answers yourself. And that's kind of what I was. I got into like sort of not really God, but like the universe as well, because I wanted to pray to ask for guidance. And I was always asking for guidance and going, I don't know what to do next or how can I do this? I don't know what like it's on my to do list or my goal list, but I don't know how to get there.

And every time I like prayed or asked the universe, I would get that answer in a state of like, I'd be going for a walk and an idea would pop into my head. Or I'd be cleaning up the dishes, listening to music and an idea would pop into my head. I'd be driving and an idea would pop into my head. And that's all the power of your own mind. It's not actually, well, you can believe, I suppose, in a God or universe, like giving you guidance or giving you a sign. But it was just me kind of contacting my subconscious because all the answers, they're there. They're there.

especially because your brain knows yourself your relationships everything that's going on in your life more than anyone else or any like that's why sometimes advice like this these sort of podcasts don't work for a lot of people because it's so specific to your situation

And the answers that you need are so specific to your situation that I swear to you, the answers that you need are already in your head somewhere. They could be in a dream somewhere, but you just have to be have a really good relationship with yourself. And that's something that I did not have and what I was working on during the past, during 2023. Got back together with Jason. And then what happened was I didn't really I was kind of just like in a world of my own.

Now, me and Jason were back together before I obviously announced it online. So this was kind of like our own dirty little secret. And we were kind of working on things and going on nice dates. It was really, it was really nice. Now, I will say that period of my life, it was like we were literally in the honeymoon phase again. It was fantastic. We kind of still are. And since we got our wall lamps, I'm sorry, it's so funny, the wall lamp.

is literally my most engaged story I've had of like I got these wall lamps from Ikea only if you have an Instagram I suppose you'll understand this joke but I had these it's like a private joke I have of myself but I got these wall lamps from Ikea and it's like because I hated me in Jason's bedroom like it was

He painted the walls brown. Like he did this obviously before I moved in. A man's touch. But he said he got... Like the paint he got was way too dark and he regretted it. But he got a real brown paint. But the room was already very dark. Like we get barely any sunlight in the apartment. And...

So we were like, we can't even read in bed. Like there's no telly in there. It wasn't nice. We were like waiting in the sitting room for as long as possible before we went to bed. Does that make sense? We were almost like staying up past our bedtime because we didn't want to go into the bed. We were like, okay, we need to do something about this. And obviously because I was trying to do a low spend month as well. I was like, we do it cheap. I was trying to find them on adverts and done deal and all. But it's very hard because obviously a lot of them you need to be drilled into the wall. So they probably just stay there forever. So it's hard to find them. But anyway, I found...

a set on Ikea 25 euro per lamp fucking brilliant don't need professional installation you do have to drill them into the wall so they're not completely renter friendly now our landlady is fucking legend so she lets us like lets us do whatever we want because it was derelict beforehand well not derelict it was vacant for like five years before we moved in so since we've got the wall lamps like our relationship

And I'm not, I think I was saying it at the start. It's kind of a joke. I was like this. These wall lamps have made such an impact, like a positive impact on my life. I actually think that it's improved every aspect of my life. It's even improved our relationship because since we got them installed, first of all, Jason handling a drill. Hobo hobo. It's so hot when a man knows how to work a drill. But anyway, he drilled it into the wall. And then that evening we got into bed at half seven and we read.

the whole night like holding hands with each other we were having the chats we were like having a little pillow talk a little bit of pillow do you know what I mean? having a little bit of pillow talk we could not believe it so the wall arms have significantly improved my relationship my life I've been reading so much more it's just fantastic

These fucking wall arms. But it's like, the sign... You know those small little things can actually have such an impact on your life? Do you know what I mean? Anyway, one sec. I was going through a lot of that at the start of the year and I was just like, fucking hell, I have to focus on something else. So I got real into, like, just working and I just started the Mother podcast, I think. I felt real good about myself because it was part of a team and I was...

meeting other people my age and talking to people more because this job is very lonely like I am talking to myself most of the time most of the day unless you're like meeting up obviously with other people

other influences so those first few months me and Jason in our honeymoon phase everything was going great I was doing really well at work was planning a few shows and then what happened was I found out about my abuser going to court so this is when it started to go not downhill but I was like this has put a fire under my belly but also ripped out the rug from underneath me and again something I didn't expect

And usually the way I would react is, oh, everything's happening to me and...

Now, obviously, a little bit of that is grand. Like, I can do a little bit of self, like, wallowing. Yeah, of course. But when you have a child, when you have, like, everything else in my life was going really well. And I was like, okay, I could self-sabotage my life right now and say, oh, I'm all triggered and this is traumatizing for me again. You know what I mean? I could have reacted that way and basically thrown my life out the fucking window. Or I could use this

to my advantage. How do we use the trauma to our advantage? And even now, I feel like I'm dramatizing it, but it was very traumatic. It was a very traumatic experience. I mean, it just, it did fuck me up for a good few years. Still kind of healing from it. Now, I did have to, I haven't slept, no, I haven't slept well. I would say my sleeping has not been great because every time I put that head on the pillow, I'm like,

another memory is coming up. Anyways, girls, that's not relevant. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so this happened then in the middle of summer when I found out he had a court case. So this was all happening and like resurfaced for me. As a 27-year-old woman, I was kind of like, I need to fucking get on with this. Do you know? I can't be fucking sitting here going... And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction as well because I've been doing so well and I...

Do you know what I mean? And I feel like I have made a kind of success story for myself. Like, obviously, success is very personal and a subjective thing. But the way I was feeling in that moment, it was like I was feeling very successful in terms of my relationships, in terms of

my career, like everything. So I wanted to... Now, one thing I'm really good at doing is distracting myself or focusing on something else so they don't have to feel an emotion. Something needs to change. So I'm going to throw my all into something here now. And the thing with me is I always get really good ideas because even businesses, I would say, have a creative side to them because thinking of an idea is in itself creative.

So I'm very good at thinking of the ideas, but the execution of them and also the self-belief that I can carry out these ideas is what is hindering me from going for them. And I'll give a little example of this. So at the start of 2024, one of my goals was I wanted to start a business because if you've watched my YouTube videos for a long time as well, I've always been saying I kind of want to lean a little bit away from being solely relying on just social media and content creation because

In terms of like security for my daughter, in terms of privacy, I don't really care about my personal privacy, but like in a sense where I don't want to

be fully reliant on it I just want to be able to do it as a hobby because that it won't suck out the joy for me do you know you know that you get a feeling now obviously I do experience a little bit of the fig tree sort of thing where I'm like maybe I want to be a director maybe maybe I want to write screenplays maybe I actually want to be a teacher maybe I want to be a guard no maybe I want to be you know all these other things I do obviously go but they're kind of fleeting thoughts but I always had this feeling that I was going to be an entrepreneur

That sounds so ridiculous. But I always... Oh no, someone's parking beside me. So I was like, I need to put my all into something. Now, at the start of 2024, when I wrote down one of my goals was that I wanted to start a business because I just felt deep within my soul. I was like, I'm going to have a good idea and if I don't act on it, someone else is going to take it. You know that quote? And I was like, if you don't act on an idea, someone else will take it. That's literally what I just said. But...

I kept thinking that of myself. I was like, I need to act on one of these things so I need to do it. Now, this is very important because an idea doesn't just spring to mind. You're going to have a lot of shit ideas before you have that good idea. This...

can apply to any sort of thing. So say if you're wanting to write a book and you're looking for an idea, if you want to start a business, you're looking for an idea. Even if you don't know what you want to do with your life and you're looking for guidance or an idea, you can apply this to any aspect of your life that you need guidance for. You need someone to make the decision for you, but obviously the person who knows you best is yourself. This answer is already in your head. It's in your subconscious. And there's going to be a lot of things contributing to whether this is the right direction to go in. And the

the questions that I kept asking myself was am I doing this because I want to impress somebody else as in my peers people around me if I'm trying to prove something to other people if I'm trying to impress my parents if I'm doing this just because I think it will be like a quick fix and I'll never have to work again because I might be a millionaire from it you know what I mean or am I doing this is this helping people is this helping other people am I passionate about it and

can I actually do, am I good enough to do this? You know what I mean? Are you good enough to do it is probably not as important, but they are the questions that I kept asking for myself. Is it something that's needed in the world? Am I doing it just because I'm trying to impress other people or I think will make other people happy? Am I passionate about it? Do I know enough about this subject, right? So the first idea that sprang to my head was I wanted to include something like my...

So my background is in fashion buying and merchandising. So I wanted to do something with fashion, but obviously I didn't want to make a new product because there's enough stuff in the world to last us like millions of years. We don't need any more clothes. If there's any influencers listening to this going, I'm going to make my own brand, please don't. Please, please stop. My thing was I wanted to start a clothes rental service, but for...

for children's occasion wear. Now you might be thinking this is a really good idea. This doesn't exist in Ireland. I can only speak about this now because this is not the idea that I'm going with. But this is what when my idea was in its infancy, this is how it led me to my actual business idea. But anyway, this was my first like sort of a nugget of an idea. I'm going to make a children's rental service. I'd asked people for advice. I'd asked people who knew people who could help and

I was looking into like the services and then I went to go speak to my accountant, who's also sort of my business manager. So I was always saying to him as soon as I, because he was very much like, the people who come into your life are also so important when it comes to the trajectory of the direction that your life is going to go in. And I will also say, even though this is sort of like, I kind of hate this quote as well, but when you're leveling up, when you level up,

Sometimes people are also who are in your life are not going to like that. And it's such a hard pill to swallow. And I don't understand it because how could you not be happy for the people that you love? But when you level up, there are going to be people in your life that don't like that and are going to show themselves the door and are going to show themselves the way out. And that's fine. You don't have to be running to them for an answer. You don't have to

dim yourself so that you can be more palatable to these people or likable to these people because sometimes people only like other people when they're miserable and I found that when I was going through stuff or like you do attract those type of people when you are kind of wallowing self-sabotaging self-harming in a way that

is really damaging to the type of person that you are, you're going to attract those same sorts of people into your life that like perpetuates and exacerbates this sort of self-sabotage. Because there's also other miserable people that like to

Keep each other. It's like a comfort thing. Now this doesn't happen to everyone. This is only sometimes I would say. It's very actually probably rare. But there are going to be people that don't like it. When you are leveling up your life. That sounds so stupid. But when you start doing better. And want to actually change your life. But what is good with that is. When you lose one person from that. You will invite people.

brilliant, amazing people that are going to enhance your life in ways that you never knew were possible. Because at the start of 2024, I was literally like, I have no mates. Everybody hates me. There's something seriously fucking wrong with me. So then anyway, that's important because my accountant that was in my life in 2024, like actually did change my life. So

Jim if you're listening to this what a motherfucking G but he did really encourage me in a way where he wanted me to be successful and he wanted me to do well so anyway so that's one person in my life that like actually did change the trajectory of my whole life because he was like I'm going to help you along with this thing so I told him the nugget of my idea of my children's clothes rental business and he was kind of like oh it's not that great in terms of like profit it's a bit of a risk blah blah blah so I was like okay maybe this isn't

where I want to go. But it did lead me to the idea that I have now that actually is like really booming and going to actually change my 2025 for show, which I will be launching at the end of this year. But anyway, another nugget of idea that came into my head, obviously when I was in disarray over losing, where you think that these people like you, but they actually don't like you at all. I was like, I need to meet new people. I need to make new connections, but I don't know how to do that. Is there something in Dublin where I could go meet other people, like-minded people, where we could talk about things that aren't like

toxic you know what I mean do I have to go clubbing at the weekend to be able to find people which was what brought me the idea of BookSwap Social because I was in a dark place and I was in a lonely horrible place and I wanted to meet new people so anyway and that's how I met one of my new good friends Moonshore Molly who has helped me so much like literally has changed everything

my perspective on life because there is a little bit of me that's still like I need to get revenge you know that kind of way whereas Molly is real like you have to send people love and forgiveness Searsha's very like my sister Searsha's very like that so Molly and Searsha are very similar but they're real like you have to send people love and forgiveness is the only way that you can actually move on from things and I learned so much from them Molly has helped so much and that was one of my new good friends who she like genuinely genuinely wants you to do well

But with no judgment, even if you have those like dark days, because I do still have those things like, you know, where you can show every side of yourself. It's not just the perfect sort of friendly side that people first meet. It's like you can show all the sides like to her. Gráinne as well, who's helped me so much because she is an entrepreneur in her own way, but she has been so helpful. Also Molly Parsons in London, who's sort of similar vibe as.

is so helpful. Like these people are out there that want you to do well and aren't going to like try to drag you down

and be miserable. Do you know that kind of way? There are people out there that actually want you to achieve things and aren't like doing it through gritted teeth. Basically, at the start of 2024, I wanted an idea. I wanted to make connections. I wanted to heal all my relationships with people. I wanted to save. Obviously, there's more specific things that I did. I wanted to save X amount of money and I wanted to go on my phone less. I wanted to read X amount of books, blah, blah, blah. I achieved all of those things. But at the core of it, what I really needed to do was

stop getting in my own way. Buzzword alert. I needed to stop getting in my own way. I needed to stop wallowing. I needed to stop self-sabotaging. I needed to let go of people that didn't want to be in my life anymore and just accept that and move on. I needed to get better at conflict resolution skills. I needed to communicate better. All of these things had a spiral domino effect on every other part of my life in my career, in my relationships.

in even my energy levels and my social skills and stuff like that. So I did achieve everything. Now, there's a few things in the TikTok that I said that are like a little trip. This was more an in-depth of how I actually did achieve everything I needed for the year. And it was very much like I needed to work on myself first, if you know what I mean. So I hope this made sense. But you can watch the TikTok. It basically was like, I do make a screensaver for every

season on my screensaver, on my laptop and for the screensaver of my phone to keep reminding myself because again, I can jump from idea to idea whereas I actually just needed to focus for the year on one thing at a time which is what I did. Like I said with the relationship thing, I get overwhelmed if I have to work on like 10 relationships at once but if I do one thing at a time

I'm more likely to achieve it. And I was reflecting every three months and remaking these screensavers. And what I found was I actually was still wanting, I was progressing, first of all, but I also still wanted the same things at the end of three months. And I knew that I was going in the right direction. And the thing that happened in the middle of summer when I found out about my abuser going to court really did put a fire under my belly where I was like, it was like almost as if the universe was testing me where it was like, you could go down this path again, be wallowing in a pit of despair

You could cause havoc. You could fucking ruin your life right now if you want. So we're dangling this in front of you here now and you can make the choice. And I thankfully was able to put all of that energy. It was like almost a motivator to do really well at the same time. And then because of that, I'm a big believer of like, I got rewarded because of that, because of good behavior. Does that make sense? I was able to then work on the goals that I wanted to achieve for the year.

I hit my target for how much I needed to save. I even put an electric car on my 2023 dream board. Not my 2024, now my 2023. And I'm convinced I was like, this was something I only found out like in the last few months that I was going to get...

to try now I put that on my dream board because I actually wanted to buy one but still I was able to I got an electric car like that's fucking crazy I wanted to get an idea for a business I got that I also wanted to make connections which I did I also simplified what kind of goals I wanted to set out for myself was this even helpful and this is kind of a conversation that I've wanted to have for the whole year but I needed to wait and sit on it

Because there were loads of times where I wanted to emotionally react and like put up a fucking video being like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck, you know what I mean? Whereas that's not helpful at all. I actually went about it the right way. I sat on it for a while. A few things that had happened in my private life and I thought I need to think about this and I need to approach it in the proper way, which I did do at the start of this year. I put things to bed.

I put things to rest. I actually had a really good year. Loads of things came to fruition for me that I've wanted for a very long time. And also, I let go of the idea that if something good happens to me, it doesn't mean that I have to sacrifice something else.

Because I always thought that if one part of my life is going well, then all the rest of it is going to be a shit show. Or if something good happens, it's going to be ripped away from me in the next few months because I don't deserve it. And it's almost as if I was very comfortable with my life being chaotic because that's what it felt like for the last few years. It really did, especially following the trauma years of my late teenage hood. The years following that was just total chaos. I don't remember half of it.

And there's so many things that don't even make sense. Like Jason would ask me questions about something and I can't even give an answer because I don't know why I was behaving in that sort of way. There's also a lot of residual like shame that I have attached that because I don't like that person that I was and I'm still trying to heal from that person. And but also give her compassion because at the same time, it's still me that went through that. A part of me does feel like hidden or something. I just felt really disconnected with myself.

for the past few years and I think that when I finally was in tune with my intuition and my subconscious I found all the answers within myself that I actually wanted because I was the whole thing was like a big question mark of where I was going to go with my life who I wanted to be what I was going to do with myself and I was like

And I felt completely useless and worthless. Like I was a total waste of space for so long. And in 2024, I actually did just find out. I got every single answer that I was looking for of where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, which direction I wanted to go. And that doesn't mean there's still like obviously kinks within my personality that I have to work on. Even sometimes when me and Jason have a disagreement, I will just go silent because

I'm trying to think of the right way to approach it. And he's like, why aren't you saying anything? And I'm like, I'm not giving you the silent treatment to punish you. I'm actually trying to think of the right thing to say, or I don't even know how I'm feeling about this disagreement. Do you know? Cause I, I'm so, I was so disconnected with myself for so long that I didn't even know like what sort of resolution I wanted from conflict or if I just wanted to have the fight. I couldn't even ascertain whether I was just looking for like to

To be competitive. To have the fight. Or if I actually. Wanted something to change. Within the dynamic of that relationship. With that person. Or like the way that I was behaving. And just in general. So there was. There were so many question marks. Just I didn't know who the fuck I was. And I also didn't know what I wanted. Whereas.

This year, the past or the past last year, I really just figured it all out. And I know my friend Bronte, she said that the age of 27 to 30 are your Saturn return years where it feels as if your whole life is going to get turned upside down and everything is going to change where it really does feel like that. Like it felt like that one of the most transformative years of my life after having my daughter, obviously, but one of the most transformative years of my life. But it also just left a lot of like breathing room for me to think about

And I can almost, it was as if I can see clearly. I can see clearly now the rain has gone. Hopefully that wasn't too dark. Was it? Oh guys, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about the trauma talk. I know there's going to be a lot of people that listen to this being like, what the fuck are you on about? But I know there's going to be a small percentage of people that listen to this and think, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Do you know what I mean? But I know this is one of those episodes where it's going to be a very, very acquired taste. And I've been for so long, especially for the past year, because I've been trying to be more mature when it comes to what I upload online. I was trying to make myself more palatable and like not actually speak my... Hashtag speak my truth. Whereas with this, I'm actually just purely speaking from the heart and speaking my truth right now. So I hope that you can listen to this, even if you don't understand where I'm coming from. If you could let go of a little bit of judgment because...

This is actually what a lot of people are thinking but might be too afraid to upload online for fear of scrutiny or judgment from people. Where actually there's a lot of... A huge percentage of people that might be thinking this way but won't speak about it. So I know that it will help in some form because if I listen to... If I was looking for a self-carey like start of year podcast this and with the type of person that I have been for since I was 17 this is exactly what I'd be looking for. I wouldn't want that sort of like...

dream journal screensavery episode even though that does actually does help I'm not shitting on that but that's it doesn't it didn't help you know it didn't have a huge impact on my life do you know that kind of way so this is the kind of thing I just want people to listen to this with the pinch of salt in terms of like this is sometimes people's experience and I know it it can be frustrating because you know those people like you know when you have

a boy that you're talking to and they don't understand mental health and they're like, I don't have mental health. And they're like, why don't you press people just go on a run? And I know there's a huge percentage of people like that who... I don't think any of my demographic would be like that, to be honest, because you guys are really, like, in tune. No, actually, I think my listeners don't need this disclaimer, to be honest. But just in case you're out there, I just want you to be a bit more understanding of where I'm coming from. Because yes, I am so damaged and flawed. I'm very aware of that. But also...

I can't move forward if I'm just telling myself I'm deeply flawed and I'm horrible. I'm going nowhere. Do you know? I needed to be able to accept that I've done terrible things in the past and I've not looked after myself. Yes. And I behaved in the wrong way. And I've been like fucking immature and thrown my toys out of the pram. But I needed to be able to accept that to move forward and actually heal the relationships that I have with the people in my life and for my life to go in the direction that I want to go for it to go in.

So big things coming soon. So hopefully this was helpful. Happy new fucking year, my bros. The next episode will be a little bit lighter. I just wanted to actually get a few things off my chest before we move forward. And I'm really looking forward to where this podcast is going because it is a little bit more fun because I feel like I can actually speak my, hashtag speak my truth now and be a bit more myself because I was able to get all that stuff off my chest. And to 17 year old me,

you'll be fine. You're going to be sitting, you know what, to 17-year-old me, one day you're going to be sitting in your all-electric Ford Explorer recording a podcast about how traumatized you are. Who would have thunk? You know, the average hospital visit can cost you around $12,000. So, do you have that kind of extra money lying around if you get sick? Me either. That's why health insurance is so important. Today, you can get health insurance plans for a couple of dollars a day. And

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