VETERAN Hooked On HUFFING | Josh Austin
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On this week's episode of Locked In with Ian Bick, I interviewed Josh Austin, a military veteran who struggled with PTSD and addiction after coming out of the service. Thank you guys for tuning in to Locked In with Ian Bick, and I hope you enjoy the show. Before we jump into today's interview, just a couple quick announcements for you guys. If you guys could take a second and complete the survey in the description. If you're listening to this on YouTube or on our audio streaming platforms, you're

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Josh, welcome to Locked In with Ian Vick, man. You're another Connecticut guy. I am, yes, yeah. Thank you for coming on the show. And you were just saying you've listened to every episode of Locked In. So, you know, it's cool to have the tables reversed for you. And now you're a guest on the show. Yeah, when I reached out to you, I was driving back from North Carolina saying some goodbyes, final goodbyes to some people and saying,

I just, I was driving and watching it at the same time. And I was like, I'll message him and like not expecting a response. And I was like, you know, he responded. And so I was like, oh, I'll just send him what I want to say, see how it goes. And you're our second guest besides my dad who hasn't been to prison before, but has like a unique story, a unique perspective. You were in the military and your path kind of unravels from there. But let's start at the beginning. Where are you from originally? And how did you grow up?

So I was born in Pennsylvania. I only stayed there about a year, Erie. And my mom moved to North Carolina when I was about two. That's where I grew up. I grew up in a little small town called Belmont, North Carolina. It's literally 30 seconds from Charlotte, just right across the bridge.

And when I tell my story, I say that I thought I grew up in what I thought to be a normal home. And it seemed normal to me. My dad was an over-road truck driver. He dropped out of high school probably 16, 17. That's all he knew. He got his CDLs at 18 at that point. And he would leave on Sunday nights and he wouldn't get home until Fridays. So that was normal. That's all I knew. He was a great man. He taught me a lot of things, but he wasn't there.

And my mom, she was a stay-at-home mom, but at the same time she was in and out of working, some jobs, it was weird. And these events were between 8 and 12. And she got a major back surgery at some point, and now I know she was on those Oxycontins. And I didn't know what I was witnessing. I would see her on the couch just nodding out, cigarette burns on the couch.

uh, she'd go very irate sometimes, uh, just for out of nowhere. And I didn't know what I was seeing. I was just confused and it didn't seem normal at that point. And, um, and so I was embarrassed to have anyone over at the house. The house stunk. It was messy. It was disgusting. Like I didn't clean. My sister didn't clean. My mom wasn't cleaning. And, uh,

We had a couple of dogs and we just, we're nasty people. And was it, what would you say, lower class, middle class? We fluctuated between extremely poor. For example, there were times we didn't have hot water and we didn't, we got food out of the food pantry at the local church that was stale. And then we had periods of time that I feel like we were upper middle class. My dad started his own trucking company and bought two trucks,

Kenworth trucks that were valued probably at that time for 500,000 in the mid 90s. And he was able to just get that? I don't even know what happened. Do you think he did something like illegal or anything? No, I found out a lot of stuff moving forward. You know, I guess before my dad died, he got a notice years later that my mom didn't pay any of the taxes to the IRS. And at this point, it wasn't a criminal situation. It was just we're taking everything from you as much as we can.

And, uh, but he, he wasn't aware. My dad wasn't book smart. Um, he didn't have a high school education, but he was a hard worker. Uh, he worked for us. We never went without the essentials. Um, and my mom was going through an addiction that I wasn't, that I didn't know. Uh, she was hiding it. He wasn't there. You know, it was easy to hide. And at some point she started drinking alcohol as well on, on, on the oxys, which is a no, no. And, um,

Things really started to go kind of dark for me at like 12 or 13. My mom was, I think she was in and out of rehab, but I didn't know what was going on.

I walked into the bathroom one day and there was blood everywhere and my mom was cutting herself. Oh, wow. And that was shocking. I like you mentioned 12 years old seeing someone that you loved in blood. And I just shut the door real quick. And what was going through your mind? Like the second you saw that, I, I, I mean, it's hard to answer that question now because I am 34 and I, I feel differently. I have different upbringing or different education, but,

But as a 12-year-old kid, I was terrified. I thought someone was dead, and it was my mom. And she, you know, when I opened the door, she looked up surprised, razor cutting. And I went and got my dad, and my dad came in. I said, Dad, you just need to go to the bathroom. And I didn't even know what to describe what I was seeing. And he opened the door, and, you know, he obviously was very shocked and

She went in periods of psychiatric units and, you know, it was very sad at times because she was locked out of the house. And my dad said under no circumstances let her back in. And that's hard to do at 12, you know, because you don't know what's going on. So do you have no relationship with her at this point?

Now or then? No, then, like as this was all occurring. No, she was very inconsistent. People came, we went to Christian school. The youth pastor would come pick us up. They would come pick us up for church. I mean, basketball practice. Everything that I needed to do, I was dependent on someone else. She just, we didn't even ask her. Like, I mean, she was high one day driving and hit one of the curbs and blew a tire out and I had to change it, you know, 11, 12 years old.

And I'm not strong enough at that point to do that, but I had to do it. That's traumatic in itself. And she's screaming at the top of her lungs. And it's like you don't understand as a child what's going on. And so we had somewhat of a relationship. There were periods of times when she was sober, it was okay. And she would work. She worked as a bookkeeper for a while in Belmont for a long time. But what she was doing, she was drinking Jim Beam in her cup. She became a functioning alcoholic.

And so the cutting thing happened, which was one of my first memories that I can, like traumatic memories that I can remember. And then my parents, my mom and my dad set me down at the table and said, Josh, we need to tell you something. And you're not going to understand this, but we need you to pack a bag and you're going to have to go live with your grandma like tomorrow.

I'm 12 or 13 years old. I'm very immature at almost every step of the way. So, you know, I was wetting the bed till 11. Like that, that was my situation. Okay. And I'm like, what do you mean? Why am I going to go live with my grandma? And then they dropped the first truth bomb on me that I had ever been told in my life, which started the trust issues. My mom said, your dad is not your real dad.

Wow, really? Their last name was Davis. My last name is Austin. It never occurred to me in school. My sister was Davis. I was Austin. And at 13, do you think about your last name? I didn't. I was a carefree guy. And I said, I didn't even know what to say. He was the only person I knew. And I said, okay, well, so I don't understand why I got to go to my grandma's. And they said, well, your dad is in prison. Your biological father's in prison.

And he is trying to sue for custody of you from prison. Wow. I don't know if that was possible. Do you know what he was in prison for at that time? I do. He was arrested and convicted of raping three young girls. Holy shit. And so this is where the situation got very confusing for me at 13 years old. I didn't know what rape was. Okay. They just said that he didn't tell me rape.

They just said he did something very bad and he's in prison. So as a 13 year old, like, okay, if someone does something and he murdered someone, like in my mind, it's murder. And, and so I, I said, okay, I'll go pack the bag. And they, and then they never brought the conversation up again, ever. I never went anywhere. And so then I knew my parents had a file cabinet and I went in the file cabinet. Don't know why I just went through,

the paperwork in there. And what I found out that was my mom was on some type of registered list as a victim, that if he was to die in prison or to be released or to escape, that she would be notified. Now, I don't know what that necessarily means today. She'd never, we've never talked about this because I felt like something traumatic may have happened to her. And because she's my mom, I don't want to have that conversation. That's not something I want to say to her. And so I pulled the papers out and I started to read the

what the transcripts from the court. And this is all when you're 13 years old. 13, yeah. Maybe 12. I say 13, but yeah. And so I start reading these transcripts and I have no understanding of legal jargon or

you know, prosecution or defense. Like, I don't know. Like I've seen judge Judy, right? Like that's comedy. And what year is this just to put into perspective? I'm born in 88. So, uh, what, 13 that's 2001. Okay. Uh, so June, somewhere around there. And so I pull these papers out and I start reading them and, uh, I start seeing the word rape. Uh, I've heard the word rape before, but it just didn't, they didn't tell me rape, you know? So I, I knew that was a sexual offense. Um,

And I saw the ages of the girls and I saw their testimony. They all identified him in a car, a certain car. None of the girls knew each other. You know, and reading that as a 13 year old, I wish I could read it today, but reading it as a 13 year old, you know, it seemed like, hmm,

Looks like he did it, right? And they didn't tell me he did it. They didn't tell me he didn't. They just said, this is what's happening. How much time was he serving to? He was, I think he got 56 years and he was eligible for parole when I was 46. So because of the fact that he was...

to reclaim custody or whatever? That was his initial sentence. He was, and I can't honestly remember exactly what the judge said, but this was, it was sodomy. It was forcible rape. I mean, I might not be saying the actual legal term, but it was very graphic what these girls accused him of. But he was trying to reclaim custody of you or claim something from... His name was on my birth certificate and what he was trying to do was get his parents

to get some type of power over me. So that affected your mom saying, hey, I want you to go stay with your grandparents? Yeah, they kind of wanted me to disappear because they didn't know. I think now knowing the legal system a little bit I do, I don't even think that was possible.

Like no judge in their right mind would have said, yeah, take this kid, 13 year old from his parents, all he knows and take them to Pennsylvania where he knows no one. Right. But my parents weren't educated. Right. They didn't know. They didn't know if the police were just going to show up with a van. And I don't know what was said to them. I never had this conversation with them. I've never had a lot of these conversations with them.

Because there's nothing to accomplish at this point. So what happens next? You go live at your grandma? No, I don't go anywhere. It gets brought back up. You stay there. Yeah, I stay there. I put the files back in the paperwork. And my mom says, says, hey, listen, he wants to call you. Dennis wants to call you. How do you feel about that? And again, they haven't told me what he did. Okay. And I said, I said, I don't know. I don't know him any from anyone from a bottle of ketchup. And he was like, well, she's like, would you, will you at least try to talk to him?

Maybe this will get him to calm down. And I was like 13, right? What do you want me to talk to him about? I don't know this man. My dad is my dad. Like I love him. And I know what he's accused of at this point. And the first conversation I get that call, this is, uh, Al, Alpine prison, a LBI on prison in Erie County or whatever. I think that's what it was called. And, uh, and he said, this is a prisoner, whatever it was. You accept the collect call. Dennis Austin. Sure. And so I say, hello. And he's like, Hey son,

I'm like, hey, son. I'm like, hello. He was like, how are you? I said, I guess I'm okay. And he said, I really miss you. He's being weird. He's never seen you before, right? Yeah. So my mom left when I was one. And again, a lot of things I don't know. She doesn't seem to want to talk about it. And again, I don't want to talk about it because I have a...

We used to joke with my mom. She said she was enlisted in the Air Force. And we said, oh, you're AWOL, you're AWOL, you know? And when I got a little older, 16 or 17, we were making a joke at the kitchen table one day. And I said, you know, why were you AWOL from the Air Force? And she said, because I didn't abort you. She got pregnant while she was enlisted to be in the Air Force. And she just got tired of our jokes. So she was in the Air Force? She had me at 21. Wow. Well, she wasn't, and she was enlisted. She was ready to go to Lackland or wherever it was to boot camp.

Yeah. And she wound up getting pregnant. And once that happens, you're a no-go. So how does the call go with your dad this first time? Very awkward. But I'm 13. I feel like I have an obligation. He's presented to me as my biological father. I don't know exactly what that means, but...

obviously it's important. And, um, so I had casual conversation with him. He was like, you know, what do you like? So I love WWF stone cold, Steve Austin, X-Pac degenerate. I was like, I started like when he got that out of me, you know, I started talking about the things I enjoyed, you know, and PlayStation and games. And, and then I sort of felt connected to him. You know, it was, it was manipulation. Okay. And, um,

And it wasn't a long phone call. It was, I don't know, it was 10 minutes or less. And he said, well, can I call you back? And I said, okay, I don't care. But then I kind of felt like my dad was upset. My real dad, my dad, dad, who was raising me. Like a little jealousy or something? I don't know if he was. I don't think he was. I just felt like I was disrespecting him.

Like, but they told me to talk to them. They get, they asked me, you know, when you ask your kid, Hey, do you want to do this? And they say no. And you ask him four more times. Like sometimes you're just going to say yes. And that's what I did. And I didn't realize, you know, I, I don't know my dad, my dad raised me, took me as his own. And we never had the conversation. A lot of my story, I never had the conversation and it's okay. But then I, I, I started to sneak and write them.

We had dial up, right? AOL. And I, I Googled the prison. I was savvy enough to find his prison number at that point. It was still some type of online system. And so I wrote him and behind my parents' back, didn't tell him. And I went to the washroom one day and there's some Hornets and I stuck my arm up and I got stung like nine times from these Hornets. And so I just wrote him, Hey, you know, this is really weird. I don't know who you are.

I read what you're accused of and I feel like you should tell me about that. I said, also FYI, I got stung by nine hornets. Hear back from you soon. And so I put it in the mailbox, snuck it down there. Like I didn't want them to know. I felt like I was like,

you know, like hurting them, you know, cause I was just curious now you, you, you brought this in my life and I felt like, okay, I want to be curious about this. And, um, so evidently he gets the letter, reads it and he writes back. However, they, my parents intercept the letter and my parents sit me back down at the kitchen table and said, uh, Josh, did you write Dennis? You know, I'm a liar as a kid, right? I think we all are sometimes. I said, no, I didn't write. I don't know. Didn't write him. And he said, well, how did he know about the nine Hornet stings on your arm?

And I've always been a deny until I die kind of guy. Like I'm, I'm up until four years ago, I got drunk and pissed the bed and with my wife and I denied, I got drunk. Yeah. So, you know what I'm saying? So I'm, I'm good with the story. Yeah. And, and I was busted, but I kept trying and they were like, son, we're not mad. Just what, what was your thought process?

And I said, I don't know, you told me about this man. And then I read his stuff and that he's accused of some horrible crimes. And even at an early age, I thought, is that passed down to me? Do I have some type of sexual deviation? You know, it wasn't as well known then, but now you read it. Some of that stuff is believed to be passed down genetically. Were you worried about that? Like at that age, were you thinking about that? No, I never had a girlfriend. My first girlfriend was my wife. Really? Yeah.

And so I never had sex. I was 270 pounds overweight. - Very probably insecure with yourself. - Yeah, I was fat. I was a 40 in the waist and I played basketball. So I was very athletic, even though I was very overweight. I was just so big. In Christian school at six foot two, 270, you are the biggest guy, unless you're playing for Oak Hill or like teams that Carmelo Anthony go to, or things like that. - So you're the odd one out.

I was popular because I was good at the basketball game. So did you have like friends? I did. Yeah. I had friends, male friends, but I never, I had never had a single interest from a female ever. Not one, not even like someone that would have been like in my mind below my,

uh, likings. Do you think that like affected you mentally to want to like maybe go into the military or go into finance or whatever? Cause you wanted to like, you know, get that. No, I was raised in a Christian home. Uh, and I, my faith is really strong. It's always been very strong, even though I haven't lived it out. Um, even as of recently, I I've made some mistakes and, um, but the thing is, is I, I, I really, I was taught to value women at that point. And, um,

you know, having sex before marriage just wasn't really, um, not that it is, if anyone wants to do it, go for it. But honestly, there's a lot of consequences that can come from that. And, uh, that, and that's what I recognized. It was, it wasn't just sex. It was, uh, you know, like it's, it's this girl, she doesn't know, you know, she's not, maybe not emotionally ready for this. And I know I'm not, you're not ready for that 17, 16, 18, really. I mean, it happens, but it's okay. Um, and so no, that wasn't the reason for the military. Um,

But with Dennis, the way that kind of story ended is I admitted to it and then he wrote me a birthday card and I opened the card. This is where the relationship ended. It said, do you want to see a naked chick on the front of the card? Now, keep in mind, my parents have still not told me what he's done. Okay. I haven't asked. It's sex conversation with your parents at 13. And I opened, I'm opening the card like, and it's a chicken. Okay.

A chicken. Like a chick, like a baby chick. Like, do you want to see a naked chick? And it was hand drawn and made. It was nice. I mean, it was, he was evidently, he was an artist. But considering even if you were just accused and not actually guilty of, from what I understand, sodomy, forcible rape, kidnapping, and, you know, things against girls that were 16 or less, I think the youngest being 11. Yeah.

and I'm with the same page with you, like that is the only thing unforgivable. Like I will not help anyone that I, you know, in that situation. And so my point was, is if you're accused of this, then maybe you should not joke like that. Even if you're innocent, like, you know, like let's remove the, remove all appearances of culpability in that type of, that ideology. I don't think it's curable.

And so I never responded again. I sent it to my mom. I said, listen, I'm sorry for writing this card makes me uncomfortable. I read his file. I know what he did. Please don't let this man contact me again. And that was it. I never heard from him again. Now, do you end up finishing high school too? Yeah, I did. I graduated at 17.

And that was the next kind of traumatic event in my life, but not as traumatic. I was working at McDonald's as 16 years old and my parents were on the verge of getting a divorce, but they, again, they like to sit me down. A lot of sit downs. A lot of sit downs. So I appreciate it now, right? They were at least honest with me and I didn't have to like figure it out. Good communication, yeah. Yeah, they did the best they can. And my mom and dad said, listen, son, we're getting a divorce, we're broke and we can't help you with college. Yeah.

And so I'm working at McDonald's. I'm the fry guy. I'm flipping fries all day, 265, 270. It's 99 degrees on that station. And I got these Hispanic people yelling at me, you know, and like, do this, do that. I'm working for $7.25 an hour. And I was like, okay, what do you mean you can't help me with college? You can't like co-sign? Like nothing. He was like, no. He said, we can't help you with anything. He said, we're not going to charge you rent, but you got to figure it out.

And so I was like, I will, nothing wrong with McDonald's, right? One in four people have. But at the same time, I said, this is not for me. I was never driven or motivated career-wise at that point. You know, kind of like you were in high school. I was very lazy. I was making B's and C's until my dad took me off the basketball team and I was making straight A's. And so I was like, you know, I don't want to work at McDonald's forever. Like that was my future in my mind. Like McDonald's fries. Yeah.

And so I had a friend, his name was Thompson, another senior. I graduated early because I transferred from Christian private school to public school and I was way ahead of there. I tested out of everything that I only went a half a day from eight to 12 or whatever it was. And and so Thompson's like, hey, I'm joining the army. And what are you doing?

I said, I'm working at McDonald's, man. And he's like, you really want to do that? I said, no. I said, I'm eating a big and tasty, a fry and a caramel sundae with extra caramel every single day. Like I'm going to be 300 pounds and I'm only six foot two. Like I don't spread out good. And he said, well, why don't you come talk to this recruiter with me? And I was like, man, I ain't made out for the, I'm not, I'm not like that. And he said, just come talk to me. They gave me $20,000 to join cash. And you joined cash.

That's a million dollars. That's college, right? And so I went and talked to this recruiter. I'm going to say his name because I don't like him anymore. Jimmy Holler, Sergeant First Class Jimmy Holler, Belmont, North Carolina.

And he's a very nice guy, very salesman, right? At 17, you could be sold into anything. 16, actually. And that's when I started the conversation. I turned 17 and he said, I can't legally let you join until you're 17. And he said, also, we have a weight problem. He said, you're 265, you're six foot two. I can get six foot two and a quarter without your shoes on if you stand up straight. But the most you can weigh at 18 is 194 if you don't tape out well.

And so they taped me and they said, okay, you need 25 pounds to lose before we can even talk about joining. And he encouraged an eating disorder. Not in the sense that maybe a traditional person would think, but he said, this is what you need to do. He said, go home, eat one hamburger patty, one squirt of ketchup, one squirt of mustard. That's it. And after that, at 3.30, you run till it's dark and you don't stop. If you have to crawl, you don't stop.

And I was committed. You know what? I didn't want to work at McDonald's. And no one in my family had been to college. We were poor. We had crap. Never bought a house. No good. Nothing. Nothing. Like, I didn't care about possessions, but I was embarrassed. I got off the school bus. There was a nicer house down the street with a pool. I would get off there and pretend to walk there and then walk back to my house because I was so embarrassed.

of the life I had. And that's gotta be tough as a kid at that age, just to be aware of what you have compared to others and just to have that sit with you. I'm 17 years old walking two miles home from school. Cause I was embarrassed to ride the bus because my parents couldn't buy me a driver's license. Are people teasing you at all? Are you getting bullied? Um, well, yes. At first I had it happen in the sixth grade. I was expelled from the entire public school system because

And that's how I got into Christian school. And over something I really didn't even like have much to do with. We were sitting at the lunch table playing the game. Like, Hey, do you think you can beat this dude up? And you beat the guy up? Well, no, no, I didn't beat anybody up. We were just raising hands and I was sixth grade. And so was everybody else. And we were like, we were at the football team and we're like, Hey, do you think you can beat this guy up? Yeah, we can beat this guy up. And then this other guy was like a truck.

You think you can beat this guy up? And only one guy raised his hand. I'm like, no, I'm on a football team. Like, I'm a big guy. I'm bigger than him. And he just runs me over. And so he said, hey, Keith, sit down for a second. And he said, Anthony just said he could beat you up. And this is like my first flash, like, this is like a prison thing in my mind. He's like, you think you can beat me up? And this kid beat the crap out of him just for saying it.

His eye gets knocked out of a socket. He's bleeding. It's an eighth grader on a sixth grader. He's bleeding everywhere. I thought he was dead. And they call the police, obviously the ambulance. And I don't think I'm in trouble, right? Like we're just, he's in trouble. He's the one that did the violence, right?

They call me in and say, they said, we talked to everyone at the table and they said, you were the one, I don't even know if Fight Club was out there. You were the one, they didn't say that, but if that movie wasn't out yet, you were the one organizing this fight, these fights. Fights? I said, we were just playing games. I said, I can't control what that guy did.

And they said, this is unacceptable. This kid's in the hospital. He has like brain hemorrhaging or whatever. Like he didn't die, but they said, you are never, you're not allowed back in the Gaston County public school system. And they called my parents and my parents were like, well, what do we do with him? Like, he can't, you mean he can't ever come back? No, he can never come back. He's a danger to the other students. I got a bad rap on that. That's wild. But I was big, right? You know, I was intimidating. I have this face that can sometimes be intimidating. I didn't show much emotion at that point.

And I, at that point I was very aggressive, you know, in regards to my attitude and anger. Do you end up losing the weight to get into the military? Yeah, that's the, so it took me 12 days and I lost 27 pounds. In 12 days? I got down to under 240. And at that point I was taping out.

It's like some David Goggins story right here. It's my favorite guy in the world. I, I pattern everything I did after that, after him. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not David Goggins, but I've run a thousand marathons. Yeah. And, uh, so you get into the military, where are you stationed? Well, I, I, I still had, I got down to like two 35. I was legally allowed to join. Um,

But I still had to lose another 30 pounds before they would ship me out. I went to your favorite place, Oklahoma. You know, Oklahoma City. The training. Didn't even know there was a prison there. Yeah. Until I started watching you. What a shitty place. And I joined up as field artillery because they told me, hey, it's a combat job, but you'll never be on the front lines. You got your $20,000 to join and we'll pay for your master's or bachelor's, master's and doctorate if you want it. But you got to do eight years.

Okay. Eight years, whatever. That's fine. That's nothing like do that on my head. You know, like I'm an order taking kind of guy at that point, like shave I'm on time. I never had any problems go to Fort Sill, uh, get there about two 21. Um, and I was, I was in shape. I was running a seven and a half minute mile, which is big group runners. And, um, at, at some point about, I was in OSIT, which is, uh, 16 weeks a week one, uh,

That was the last class to do that. Some people go to boot camp and some would go to AIT. In AIT, you were like a real soldier at that point. You could have a phone and do what you needed to do. But in OSIT, you got treated like trash for 16 weeks. Yelled at like, that was your first day for 16 weeks. And so I got there, I excelled. I got down to six 15 minute miles

And I fell in love with running. Running was the first thing that I recognized. I never done drugs, alcohol, nothing, no pill, nothing, never appealed to me. And running though was a drug.

I got really good at it. And that was something I never thought. I tried to join the baseball team, but because I couldn't run a 630 mile, you weren't allowed. You were allowed to join, but every practice you had to run it again. Yeah, I used to hate running. I was a terrible, I did like a 12 minute mile. It was bad. Right. So I just said, no, I ain't doing this after practice every day, you know? And then again, I got really hooked into the, not the fitness, but just the running because the running, it

was a mental escape. I was losing this weight at such a fast pace. And, you know, I could see it, but, you know, sometimes you can't see it, but I could see it. Clothes weren't fitting. No one was like saying, oh, you look good now. You know, it was just, I saw it. I saw the results and that was all that mattered. Get the Fort Sill. I do that 16 weeks of that. And, you know, I had a couple of injuries in there, but it never stopped being, eardrums ruptured,

got pneumonia. And they're training you to shoot. You're doing all that kind of. Yeah. I'm just learning how to basic, your basic rifle skills at this point. Again, I'm not a soldier. I'm in my mind, I'm not trying to be a soldier. I just want my college paid for. And they told me artillery, you shoot bombs in the, you know, from miles away and you don't even see an enemy.

Well, I should have been a little smarter. We're in Iraq with buildings that we can't have collateral damage anymore. You know, like, maybe we're not going to use that field artillery like you were saying. And then they came up with an Excalibur round that they could literally within one inch, they could kill you and not me.

And so I loved it. It was a skill that I learned. It was cool, manly. And you did that for eight years? No, I did that for 16 weeks out of Fort Sill. I got sent back to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. And he told me that my unit had just got back and I wasn't going to deploy at least for three years.

That was probably a lie, I'm guessing. Oh, yeah. That's why they gave me 20 grand. No one gives you money for nothing, right? Yeah. And so I get out. I'm 18 at that point. And I get to the unit. And it was fun. I didn't do... They were a little more stricter with underage drinking at that point. I never drank, ever. I drank every once in a while, but not out of control. But I stayed in the barracks and

just stayed like a good, I didn't go to the strip clubs. I didn't go, like everyone goes to the strip clubs, tattoos and buys the car for 24.99% interest. And I was just, at that point, I wanted to break at least one generational curse that I knew. And that was finance finances that if I ever had a family one day that they were not, they were going to work for what they got, but they weren't going to struggle. You know, they were going to learn the value. And so I just saved all my money, every penny that I was there. I ate at the fricking comments or the, the, the chow hall, uh,

which was disgusting nine times out of 10, but it was free. You know, I used, I used their clothes. I used their shoes. I mean, I became this like,

not the cheapskate, but you know, I wouldn't buy anything. Well, you had a mission. Like you knew you wanted to go to college. This was just like a means to an end. Like you needed to, this is a stepping stone. Right. So I'm about 19 at this point. We get the warning order that we're going to Iraq and I'm panicking at this point. Like I can't do that. Right. I go to like this bar, I go to Bar Charlotte. I'm crying on the sidewalk in my uniform, like emotionally a wreck because I'm going to war.

And not only am I going to war, is they're reclassing me as infantry. Infantry.

No choice. This is what you're doing. Half of our unit got to state field artillery and the other half of us went to Mississippi. And I went through Levin Bravo training, which I should have went to Benning, but they didn't want to send me to the real one. And so I went there and then I also became a medic. And then I went through this advanced rifle. I went through all these, learn these, all these skills. I could, if you had a sucking chest wound, I could fix you. If I needed to drain your chest, I could do it. You know, I, I like,

And I said I could do it. They put me through a six week class and I was doing things that, you know, charge nurses are probably not allowed to do. Did you ever get comfortable like in the military? Oh, yeah. So I got really hooked into the running, like I said. And then I my my platoon sergeant, which I ended up hating and trying to kill in Iraq, invited me to come on the army marathon team.

Now, I wasn't a starter, but to do on the Army marathon team, you have to average a 345 marathon. And that's a Boston marathon pace. And I was running 615 miles for 19 miles. I was a beast. I mean, I was 190 pounds heavier.

Just I was so angry at life. Like, you know, like David Goggins, we say he's just he got tired of looking at that fat motherfucker in the mirror. Right. I got tired of looking the poor guy. And I just I kept running like I would in the morning you had to do company PT. And that was depending on your skill level. The fat people got to do had to do more, you know, and the people that were in shape did less but faster.

So I would do like four or five miles and we would do it in 24 minutes. And this whole time you're just thinking about getting out of the military and going to college? That's it. I'm just doing my time. You know, I tried to explore going to college while I was in there, but I just didn't have time and I wasn't driven. So what year do you get out of the military? My active duty ended in 2012. And you go right to college?

Yes. What college did you go to? I went to the University of Phoenix in Charlotte, and I got my bachelor's degree in business management and finance. And from there you go to? Liberty University. I went to seminary. And I was initially going to Quinnipiac and rolled there, started classes there, and I had this shift in mind frame that my talents were supposed to be used in a different manner.

And that I, you know, I kind of skipped through the Iraq part, but I truly believe that I went through a lot of the things that I went through to help the next man that is going through the same things. And I had no Josh to help me through army coming back from Iraq, marriage, you know, things that, you know, college. I got my master's degree in a year, 11 months.

And, you know, and so I wanted someone, I wanted to be that person for someone to walk them through what normal looks like now. Did you have like a lot of, I guess you would say PTSD from Iraq coming back? Yeah, we, my first three weeks in country, we had a suicide bomber attack that killed a lot of people. And I don't try to be graphic about it, but I had brain material or something in my mouth.

It was that traumatic. And when I got there, this is how naive I was. I thought I was just going to work. I didn't realize I was going to the Sunni death triangle where the Sunnis, the Shiites and the Kurds. And this isn't like if me and you get into a fight, the police might be called. You know, if I kill you, you're just gonna kill someone in my family. That's how they do it. They don't call the police over there. You know, there's tribal and it's not westernized at all. And when I got there,

First thing I remember about the country was the smell. You get to Kuwait first and they keep you there for three weeks because Kuwait's a little hotter and they put your gear on and you got to walk a mile to the freaking chow hall, even though it's like a golden corral. It's amazing. And that was what really messed me up about Iraq too, is that I got to Kuwait and this place was beautiful. There was putt-putt, there was movies. There was, like I said, there was four chow halls that were golden corral style, like any style food you wanted. And I was like,

phones, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, like everything you wanted, bathrooms, showers. I was living in nice tents. And then after that three weeks, they were like, call my name. And they're like, okay, you're going to Bayat, which is Baghdad International Airport. And not like an airport you're thinking, but where Saddam was, his palaces. And I'm like, that's going to be gravy, man. Like, all right, I get on the helicopter. And the first time on a helicopter, I'm like, it's cool shit, feel badass, right? And I get there, same setup.

And now we're in tents, though. It's tents with ACs in them, a little different accommodations, but food is the same. Golden Corral style chow, and that was my favorite place to eat as a kid. So that was like why I say that. And internet, PlayStation, Xbox. I was like, dang, man, I'll stay here for my whole eight years. And then they called out a few names, and mine was the next name. And they said, we need you to go sit on the tarmac, and you're going to your base.

I'm like, sure, let's go. You know? And, and, and I get there and this is a different experience this time. I fly from Biop. It's night. We, I lay in gravel for six hours waiting for this helicopter. Like, like what the hell is like, hurry up and wait, you know? And I get there, this helicopter literally just lands like out of nowhere, no lights. I mean, I heard it, but it was just so fast. They get in, they screaming at you to get in. And I've got 150 pounds of gear on, you know, I'm only 190 pounds, but,

And I get in and I'm like, hey, don't talk to us. Shut up. Don't say anything. Oh, okay. You know, all right. This must be the army. I'm a private, you know, know my role. And then we get, we fly about 30 minutes in the pitch black. No lights on the helicopters blackout.

What I learned is that their bucket list item there was to blow those helicopters out of the sky. They would rather blow a helicopter out than kill me. Kill me in the process. But if they had a soldier on the ground or a helicopter in the air, they want that. Black Hawk down kind of deal. That was their thing. And I didn't know what kind of, I didn't know where I was going. I was just expecting the same hotel kind of style set up. And it wasn't like that at all. Oh, no. I got a JSS Copper. And JSS Copper was no bigger than a football field track.

like the whole setup, you know, the track and the field. And we had these 25, 30 foot T-walls, Jersey barrier kind of looking things. And then we had three or four 30 foot towers above them. And I'm like, where am I at? And we get there, I get off the plane. They don't even, they don't even let you get off. They make you jump out and the helicopter's gone. They're not allowed to stay less than five seconds on the plane or on the ground now because they're a target.

And so I got to, you know, I jump out. First Sergeant says, hey, welcome to JSS Copper. We're this platoon. You're replacing us. Their 10th Mountain is who I replaced, which is right up here. And First Sergeant, we walked in. He said, you see that PVC pipe? Yeah. He said, that's where you take a piss. What? Like, wait a minute. Is this a joke? Like, no, literally, that's where you take a piss. Don't piss on the gravel because it stinks. And then he took us to these wood boxes and he said, you see these boxes in those bags? That's where you defecate.

And I said, in a bag? And he said, yeah, if you fuck up, you're going to burn it at the end of the night. To us all. And how long do you spend out in this area? Well, for the first six, three weeks, two weeks, I was miserable. We did 12 hours on, 12 hours off of Tower Guard. And me and my friend Beach, which was my best bud ever, and we sat in these towers for 12 hours each and weren't allowed to sit. No books, no nothing. I mean, we had those

those original iPods at that point. That's 2009 that I'm there, early 2009. And the first Tower Guard was fun because you know what? I can't wait to be in a cell or something. Maybe you talk to this guy at New Beach and we learned everything about each other. I mean, we talked for 12 hours for about three days and then we had nothing left to say to each other. Like we were sick of each other. I don't care where you're from anymore. Like, don't talk to me.

It's just, you're miserable. It's 125 degrees outside. And then in that concrete box, it's 140. And you got 150 pounds of battle rattle. I can imagine. That's crazy. And you're not allowed to sit down. Yeah. You know, people were falling asleep. And I don't think it's obviously not going to be carried out at this point. But like in World War II, if you fell asleep on the job, you could be executed. Still on the books, but they treat it as if it is a bad deal. And what I didn't know at JSS Copper that I was out in the middle of nowhere.

And I tell people, most people have heard of Restrepo. There's a base in Kandahar in Afghanistan, Restrepo. And it's just on an outpost out. And there's only 30, 40 of us out there. 50 at the max at one time. And we have to have six people in these towers at all times, 24-7. And then we had to have...

Four vehicles, 20 people going on patrol for 16 hours a day. Roving patrol. Are you seeing any action at all? Like, are you involved in action directly? The first three weeks is when the suicide bomber attack happened. And yes, I was present there. And again, being so naive about what the danger was. And Lieutenant Levi, he was from Belmont, just like me.

You know, he was no different than me. He just had a couple, he had a year or so of college. But officers that come out of college, you know, they get some responsibility, but they don't know anything. They're an officer, they're in charge, but they don't, they got the book smarts.

And in that event, specifically in that event, that was May 21st, 2009, you know, Lieutenant Levi and three other people that I barely knew. And I think another 13 men, women and children lost their lives that day. And after an AAR review, which is an action after action review, military does that after everything, you know, successes or failures.

There came out some there they came out with some very alarming, not just negligent, but willful acts of I don't know. It looked intentional. And this this captain had just come out of the army and he had just been kicked out of another unit for not being safe. And they they took our captain away, which was he was a really good. He was a bands man captain. Like he was he was a guy. He didn't let the let the rank go to his head.

And we knew about this guy before he got there. And what happened is, is when you're in Iraq or you're in war, you don't set a pattern for anything. You don't want anybody to pick up on anything that you're doing. And, you know, because I wasn't in leadership, I just did what I was told. I got my 50 Cal together. I put it together and put it on the top of the Humvee and I hated life. I went on patrol. It was 15 minutes to MSR Tampa, which is their main road with no lines, no directions, no organization.

And we'd end up going to these small little towns, these farm towns off of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. Do you think that incident affected your future drug use?

I used the very same day for the first time in my life. After that incident happened? Yeah. And my therapist at the vet center, after going through years of therapy, for years, when I came back, I thought I was just crazy. I was delusional. I was seeing things. I knew how smart I was, but smart people don't see things. And there was a situation where a kid lost his life and I started to see that kid. When I looked at my kids, I saw that kid. When I saw a book bag, I saw that kid.

And that started messing with me because I thought I was going insane. And my wife, I love my wife. She was beautiful, out of my league. And, you know, we met, I met her on Facebook.

I flew a mutual friend. And when you've been in Iraq for so long, they give you two weeks of R&R. You guys met after? No, no. I was in Iraq. So you met, you got married while you were in the service? No, I waited. Okay. Well, like six months. But so I was going to go to Las Vegas on my two weeks leave because I just turned 21.

And I could legally drink and I wanted to do drugs. Like I wanted to try stuff, prostitute maybe. Like I was ready to go. You know, the breaking homage was that rum springer. Like I was ready to try it. Yeah, you were, you grew up that religious boy and now you want to break free. Like, okay, let me decide. You know, like it's not that bad. You know how like Larry says, what he said in your podcast, he was talking about, you know, maybe nothing wrong with drugs. I don't feel that way. But at the end of the day, maybe it should be legal.

Maybe you wouldn't put fentanyl and stuff if it was legal. What was that first drug you tried after that? Duster. Duster. What is Duster? So computer cleaner. You get it at Walmart and you spray, it just air comes out. And that gets you high. It's like crack from what I was told. Never done crack, but when I would go speak at NA meetings, they would say, that's crack, bud.

And what happened was my therapist told me, he said that, you know, the science behind the thing is I broke my back there in an injury, L4 and L5. And I also had a TBI that went undiagnosed from hitting my head. It was in my emotional cortex. I found out here in Wappinger Falls nine years later.

And it started to make piece a lot of things together in my life that they missed it. That and the traumatic experiences as a child too. Uh, well, the injuries were physical injuries from Iraq. I had never experienced an injury, uh,

in my, you know, I had a couple of concussions from football, but I quit after the second. The mental, I guess you could say. Yeah. The way it can explain to me now is that, that when you live in extreme fear for long periods of time, that it literally rewires your brain. And I understand that today to be true because now I can't do crowds. I can do now, but when I came back, I couldn't do crowds. I couldn't do fireworks. The first time I heard fireworks, I fell on the ground. Back has to be against the wall. I didn't trust anybody. Um,

There were issues where, I mean, I never was physically violent with my wife, but at times I was having flashbacks of having hand-to-hand combat with someone. I was on top of her about to hit her. And my wife was 5'6", and I'm 6'2", 225, fairly in shape at that point and could have done some damage. How often are you doing drugs while you're still in the service? Just in Iraq. Okay.

And what happened was I did that one day. And just as most addicts will describe to you, I fell in love with that.

And what that drug did to me was it accomplished what I needed to do first try. It made me pass out and I didn't have to have the thoughts in my brain. I didn't have to see these people. I didn't have to, you know, there were situations where I had to be violent with women and children in regards to throwing them on the ground because it's dark in there. The roof is only six foot two. I'm six foot four with a helmet and boots on. It's scary, the dust and it's chaotic.

And I'm not trying to not be a human because I'm a very good person. So this was like your breakaway from all of that? Right. So the day that the suicide bomber attack, I was introduced to Kandair. He came in my room and I was like crying. And he was like, what the hell is wrong with you? Like, suck it up. Like, if they see this, they're going to kick you out. And at that point, there was a really negative stigma about mental illness. They didn't want any crazies having a gun, you know, even though I was 20 years old. And, you know, they were asking me to take a life.

You know, I always told people, you know, the army does a wonderful job teaching you how to take a life, but what they don't teach you is how to deal with it. Now, when you got home, were you addicted full blown or it wasn't just like a thing that you had tried a few times and you were okay? It got progressively worse in Iraq. I tried it that first time, fell in love, my brain cut off, I passed out, and then I started to hallucinate, which I loved.

And so I made these small little deals with myself while I was in Iraq. I'll only do it on this day. I'll only do it if something bad happens. I just made all these stupid deals that I broke them all.

And I was eventually doing it while I was on patrol and in like the outdoor market, you know, I was literally huffing with a gun in my hand. So you're putting like your patrolmen with you in danger too. Right. The first time I got in trouble in the military for that is I bought, I would volunteer for radio watch and even though it was hot as crap in these, no ACs, 1151s, doors are 500 pounds. You can't open the windows because bullets will come in. Right.

And so I would always volunteer for radio watch. Cause I know I could go back and huff. I was like, okay, I can get away with it here. And I would huff and I didn't listen to radio. People could have been like getting blown up. I had no idea. And, uh,

And that developed, I ended up getting four Article 15s, which is punishment in the Army. And what that can look like is, depending on the severity and the frequency of these Article 15s, they have company and field grades. And the last one I got was the worst one. This is where I had to go see the brain ranger. And they were contemplating dishonorably discharging me.

because i had done i've been i've been demoted four times i went from e4 corporal to e nothing four times and uh i was putting my other my my brothers in in in danger honestly

They didn't blame me for what we were going through. But again, I was, you know, selfish. And and so the last time they found me face down on the floor in the top is where all the like the communications are. And I just huffed it and put it back on the shelf and then tried to run back to the computer. I made this game like how far could I run?

You know, I can only make it like four feet before I like boom passed out. Yeah. Busted head staples. I needed staples. And they like, you've been huffing again. But this time they couldn't find the can.

It wasn't in my hand. And again, I remember that lying. I'll stick with the same story forever. I don't care if you show me proof at that point. And there was just no help for you. Like no one's giving you help. There was no help. There was, there is a coverup that's going on at that point with the duster. And again, that's, that's a, that's a whole nother story. But there were a lot of military service members dying from the duster in the country because alcohol and drugs were not as prevalent in

as in "Former Wars." And this was an, this is the get sand out. This is a widely accessible item and it makes you hire. I mean, I've never tried anything else to compare it,

but I couldn't imagine wanting to do anything else. So you get home, you finish college, are you still doing this while you're going to college, going to classes? In 2010, when I came back, I came back in February, 2010, I was going back and forth to Walmart in Charlotte and getting three or four cans at a time, making that work. And then I made the worst decision in my life and had the bright idea that I got tired of driving back and forth to Walmart. And so I decided to sit in the parking lot and do it.

Well, what that ended up looking like was four consecutive days sitting in a Pontiac Solstice convertible, you know, crunched up in the passenger seat. So I didn't get a DUI. I pissed shit on myself, no eating, no drinking. And I did about 65 cans consecutively. This is when you got back? Within 45 days of coming back. My PTSD issues were starting to onset. They weren't severe yet, but the hallucinations were bothersome. Could you have OD'd from this stuff?

I did in 2020. I died here in Fishkill. That is insane. Yeah. So my dad, I broke my phone. The stuff gets really cold. You can't see it, but the can froze to my hand and I almost lost my hand. I had third degree tissue burns. I had it in my genital areas, my legs could pass out. And Wappingers Falls here thought about cutting my hand off. And then they revived you. Yeah.

Well, this was a different scenario, but I went on a suicide mission and they couldn't revive me. There's no Narcan for Duster. It's called sudden huffing syndrome. So how were you able to function through college to get a degree in everything while this is going on? I stopped from 2010 to 2016. Just randomly, you were able to go cold turkey? Yeah, I got...

There's no addictive properties in the sense of withdrawals or cravings. Now, I do have cravings now when it's cold outside because that's when I relapsed and I can taste the bitter agent in there. They put one to deter you from doing it. And so like all I needed was 30 to 45 seconds. If you took it away from me for that long, I would come back to smart Josh, not going to do that shit.

But the thing is, it's such a short high. You just go back to back every 10 seconds, every 10 seconds. I'm surprised you're able to take a break from that long period of time and then go back into it. What do you do when you finish college? Well, I was working at the Hartford Insurance in Charlotte, not making great money, but I didn't have a bachelor's degree and that was their requirement to be an underwriter.

And at this point, me and my wife, I was about to kill our neighbor because my PTSD was literally going out of this world. He was banging on the walls. And so I just, my wife was eight or nine months pregnant at that time. I said, pack the shit up. There'll be a realtor here Friday. I paid cash for the house. I said, we'll sell it. I'll just leave. And we moved to New York. I transferred with the company and I worked remote, which was a bad decision. I had a lot of accountability, but I became

I've always been an extrovert, but not wanting to be. And because I was in the army, I was in leadership at times. And I, you know, I was put, I was always athletic or I could shoot well. Like I was always used in some type of form of leadership. And so I always had to be outgoing.

But I didn't want to. And so we moved to New York. We moved to Patterson, New York. We moved in with our in-laws. Her parents? Her parents. Just until we could find a house because it was such a – we moved in two weeks. And this is 2016? 2016. We moved up February 2016. And you're what, 30 years old? About 29? Yeah, somewhere around there. 30? Yeah, yeah.

No, way younger than that. 2016 was seven years ago. So 27. 27, okay. And so I get there and I had no job. I was making about $21 an hour at the Hartford as a customer service rep. And I couldn't buy a house here for that. I was a victim of credit fraud while I was overseas. One of my family members went from hospital to hospital and used my credit. So I found that out by Fort Stewart trying to get a phone. And they were like, hey, we need a thousand dollar deposit. So what do you mean? They're like, stop fucking with us.

If you have really bad credit, you know, you need a deposit. And so I found out that it was a family member. When I got to New York, that's kind of where that started to develop. And I had two options. I was either, I either had to get a lawyer and sue them and file charges against them. Or what the lawyer said was that I was good at negotiating and that it was going to take years, but I could call and negotiate $50,000 on a quarter on a dollar. And it was my mom.

You know, surprise, right? Your mom was the one that did it. Right. And went to different hospitals. On my credit report today, I just bought my house. They said, you have to acknowledge that you're a Melissa Perry Austin. And I said, listen, I'm not transgender. You know, do I look like a Melissa? Like, I'm not identifying as a woman. Yeah. And they said, it's still on your record. We need to be able to come after that person if you don't pay your mortgage. And I said, you know, it's not me. And they said, just sign the paperwork. You know, you're going to pay cash for the house anyway. Just sign it.

Like, okay. So what job do you get into then? Well, that was interesting. I quit the Hartford because I knew it wasn't going to be enough. I drive to Brewster right there at Acme. I walk into that grocery store and there's a Chase Bank. I have no contacts here except her family. I have my resume and this is the first time in my life I'm going to take initiative and kind of be confident. I walk in, I say, hey, I need to talk to the teller. I say, hey, I need to speak to the manager. My name's Josh.

And they said, well, what do you need? And I said, well, I'm new to the area. I'm looking for a job. I wanted to give them my resume. And they said, we're not hiring. And I said, okay, that's fine. I fully expected that. This is not the traditional form of employment. I said, but what I do like to do is I want to give her the application, whoever it is. And if you do hire, remember that I came in here and did this anyways.

she comes out and she's very nice, very pleasant. Yeah, we're not hiring. You know, I just graduated college. I moved here with my family. I'm really looking for a better job. I love finances. And sure enough, I get a call the next day from the vice president of Chase Bank and says, hey, Josh, I'm such and such. Do you mind coming down back to Brewster here and interviewing with me? And I said, for what? Like, I'm thinking tell her I got no experience.

And he's like, we want to make you a licensed relationship manager. And I was like, I was like, I don't even know what that is, but okay, let's go. But why just based off your, all you had at the time was military. And a bachelor's degree in finance. Yeah. And so when I got there, he was like, Hey, you know, nice to meet you in person. He said, I heard about what you did. And he said,

You are the type of person that we're looking for. You have an initiative that I'm not going to have to tell you to do anything here. And so we're actually not hiring. But after I heard what you did, I would like to open up a position for you. Now, this isn't going to be as easy as just accepting. And I was like, OK. He said, this is a licensed relationship manager. This is Wall Street stuff. And he says, how smart do you think you are?

And I said, well, I'm pretty smart. Burn billions of brain cells. I'm still good. You know, joking, like being serious, but you don't know what I'm talking about. And he said, okay, well, listen, we're going to do this for you. We're going to put you through a 16 week program. You're going to go to white planes and you're going to sit in a class for 20 other people.

And you're going to get all your license, your series six, all your financial license to be on Wall Street and sell investments and be a financial advisor. And like my eyes lit up because I was like money, right? Money was always important to me, but in the wrong ways. And so it's over a 70% fail rate to pass all three tests on the first time. 20 people in the class, only three of us passed every single test on the same time.

But at that point, I was using actively. I had actually got back to using again. Yeah, 2016 was the first time. It was August, July when I started at Chase. What triggered you to use again? I bought a house in Danbury that I literally had to gut the entire thing. And I was doing this in cash. And I am very dogmatic about debt. And I was running out of money. And I had a daughter and I had a baby that was about to be born at Sleepy Hollow.

New York and no insurance. And I was going to, I learned the game. Like they send you a $25,000 bill. You tell them I don't have insurance. They send you a five and you're done. You know, it was cheaper way to do it at that point. And I had not been, I had not been like any medic. I had not been seen by the VA for anything yet. Nothing.

And so I got caught in White Plains, those big brown buildings down there. That was my office. And I went to the bathroom. I went downstairs. I go to Uno's every day to eat for some reason. Uno's, what a classic. Yeah. And one day I got done with Uno's and I'm a history buff. I walked down, there's like a World War II Nazi, not Nazi memorial, but a Jewish memorial. And I was reading the names and I turned around, there's a CVS behind me. It's hot. So I walked in and I don't know what I did. I just gravitated towards the stationary building.

aisle, like not like I didn't need anything. And I saw the can and I said, wow, this would be great. I remember how fun that was in Iraq. I forgot about February, 2010 in Walmart. And I went back to my office in this building and

as a licensed relationship manager student, go to the bathroom and I start huffing in the bathroom. - That's crazy. - And it just took off just right where I was at. - How much money were you making at this new job? - So Chase was the worst paying job. They actually got me for cheap.

They the salary was 40. I got a twelve hundred dollar bonus a month, which was taxed at 39 percent, which was crap. And then I got significant bonuses depending on how much investments I sold. OK, well, at this point, I wasn't even though I passed all my tests at the same time, I I stayed in the White Plains Walmart parking lot the night before my test and

at 3:00 AM and got high till five and set at least 15 alarm clocks. So I didn't miss these tests. So this is when it all starts going downhill. Like your life's coming together, but it's going downhill simultaneously. The PTSD has completely fallen off. I feel like I'm crazy. The initial, the white plane is the CBS issue. I went to work on a Friday and my family knew nothing was wrong. I didn't come home till Monday.

No calls. They called every jail, every like the first guest was Josh might be in jail. He's kind of crazy sometimes, you know, or he was murdered. Like they literally called every hospital in New York. Is this when your wife starts to realize what you're doing? She didn't even know. She had no idea. No one knew what I was doing. They they I had never even been to New York before. This is my first time in white planes. Right. That was New York to me. So when does this all start to blow up?

Like you are getting it together. You're trying to do well, but you're still doing the drugs. But when does that like explode? I mean, it explodes up into 2020 is when the worst relapse ever happened in my life. And up until that point, after the first three relapses, I couldn't fool my family anymore. I've always they always told me that I was charismatic and that I could talk my way out of anything and that I was able to talk them out of a problem.

And because it wasn't a real drug, they just said, okay, no problem. Go to IOP, go to Arms Acres or go to MCCA. I went to MCCA. I went to all these places, you know, and just, it got them off my back. You're not getting the help you need though. No, no, I'm not, but I'm getting caught at work. And because I'm successful at work at that point, they're just overlooking it. So your boss is walking in, you're huffing in the back? I was, I fell on the floor in the bathroom and he heard the alarm. That's what he went over there. He's like, what?

What's going on? And the thing that saved me for the most time is one, I was a good liar. The second thing was that no one knew what I was doing. No one knows what Duster is. You know, Whippets. If I say Whippets, sometimes people know what that is. I've heard the name Whippets before. You know, but huffing the canned air is a whole different ballgame, you know? And he caught me in the bathroom. He said, what are you doing? And I'm so disoriented. I said, man, it was hot outside. I just fell. And he said, so you fell outside. Is that what your story is?

I said, yeah, I fell outside. And he said, all right, go back to your office. And I thought I was fired. I had a friend, him Ron here in Mayopac. And, uh, he was like, dude, I just heard what happened. And he was like, what's wrong with you? You're like, you got problems, man. And, uh, I said, yeah, I got problems for sure. You just don't know. And, uh,

I was just waiting for them to come tap me on the shoulder. And as having all these financial license, I mean, you can't have, you can't have a, you can't have any criminal record. Uh, you can't fail drug tests. You have to have tip top credit. Uh, they run financials on you to make sure that you don't leverage yourself in a way that would lead you to bad financial recommendations. When does like your wife leave out of this?

Not until 2018. So she leaves in 2018. She's like, I'm done. Like, I can't do this. No, I relapsed again very badly. You know, I relapsed probably about seven times from 2016 to 2018, all involving Danbury police officers. And the thing is, this is not illegal to do what I did. I was very smart. I knew it wasn't illegal. It wasn't even considered public intoxication because it didn't meet the definition.

And I sat in the passenger seat of the vehicle. So they couldn't, they said, I was so high. They would say, hey, go to the hospital. We're going to make this a pain for you. And then I found out they couldn't do anything. And I was like, F you. And then one guy was like, I'm a veteran. Like, come on, dude. Like, don't, I found a dude dead behind like the Walgreens on Main Street just a week ago. Please don't do this to me. Like, I literally found someone dead doing the same thing. He's like, please just go to the hospital.

And so I would go back and forth to Danbury Hospital, you know, and go, they would send me, put me in the behavioral unit. And I learned the game really quick. At that point, I had, I had got my master's degree, had some psychology degrees in there. And I mean, I, all I needed to do was pass a couple tests to be a, an actual psychologist, therapist, like legit at Danbury Hospital. And so I knew the rules. I knew they couldn't keep me. I didn't threaten to kill myself. And substance abuse is not a real problem.

And it's not like New York where they have kindred's law. Like there's a lot of things that they just couldn't do. And they couldn't bluff me and they would make me sit there all day. But I knew my rights. And so I just waited. I said, all right. They said, well, we're not letting you go unless someone picks you up. All right, I'll sit here all night then. And so that was from 2016 to 2018. My wife said, finally enough, you're done.

And that's when I finally went to 90 day program. I've done a couple of 30 day programs. I went to Montrose. I did the VA here in Montrose. I did 70 days there. I did a bunch of different programs. But none of that worked at all. I wasn't a participant in the recovery. You just went to go. I knew if I did 30 days, when I got back, all would be well. Go back to work. Let's bring the money back in and you're good.

Are you making like enough money to live off of at these jobs? At that point, I was making about 80, 90,000. But then KeyBank recruited me.

All I did was go in there to make a professional connection between two banks. And so the manager was from Yugoslavia and she said, hey, we're really hiring a licensed manager. She said, what are you making over there in the grocery store? And I hated it. Like it's grocery store clients. Like they're not the same. Like when I worked in Manhattan off of Liberty Street, like those guys were something else. You know, like that was a challenge, you know, getting someone to give you millions of dollars,

you know, that could disappear is hard, right? Like they're, like they're accepting that this money might disappear, you know, or it could. And so it was a three or four meaning transaction, which I loved. It was like, you know, it was like I was working it. That was my thing. Like I

I could see it progressing. I could see the eyes, their eyes light up. So that's where you're able to make like the bulk of your money from when he went to KeyBank? Yeah, they doubled my salary and gave me a lot more bonuses. And then I ended up being the branch manager of Jefferson Valley, Mayapak. I got that a weird way. They want me to sell debt. And that was really the end of the job. I couldn't sell debt.

It was just against my, I don't, I don't tell people they shouldn't. I just, it was against my morals and values to sell something I'm not going to use. Now, how do you end up getting into legal troubles? Like when's the first time you like break the law or get into like a little bit of a mess? That was on February the 9th of 2020. I, I, I, I relapsed after 14 months the day before.

And I went to coup and went drinking, certainly went drinking, you know, with my friend, my army buddy with two girls. And, you know, I was married at the time, but like we were disconnecting, but I was so disgusted with this chick that was there. I wasn't even interested. I fell asleep at the bar because it'd been, it'd been six years since I drank and one Long Island took me out.

And so that was Sunday night. I was watching some basketball game and I got up at 11 o'clock, said, man, I'm going to get high. Like, I want to do this. I went over to Walgreens on Main Street and they actually had my favorite. This is how messed up I am. I have a favorite brand. It's the black label or the black top. There's green, black, blue, and they all taste a little different. They're all disgusting, but that one hit me differently. And I went there and

someone always sees me in there. Like I had at that time, I just had a, I was very frugal paying cash for cars. I had like a, just a 2016 Nissan Sentra. It was my, my wife's car. But you're still working at the time. Yeah. And I just got awarded over, you know, almost $200,000 from the VA from a case I won with them. They,

The army actually was held liable for torture, mental torture. They made me do things like walk through minefields. And this is all verified. Like no one at the age of 29 gets 100% disability rating and hundreds of thousands of dollars in back pay. So you go into this Walgreens, what do you do? I just go and get everything off the, it's 11 o'clock. I go get everything off the shelf. You steal it? No, no, no, I pay for it. It's only $4 a can.

And I have no debt and I'm making $15,000 a month. Where does it go wrong? What's the problem? Well, the problem is I was an idiot and I just should have went home. And people would see me doing things in the car and call the police. You get arrested for this? No, it's not illegal. They couldn't arrest me. And so what the cops would do at first, they would say, hey, listen, either go to the hospital or we're going to have a problem.

And I was, I had, you know, I had these financial license. I didn't want to get a misdemeanor. I didn't want to get anything. And that was another reason that appealed to me is it didn't show up on a drug test.

And so, you know, there's about seven or eight incidents with the police in Danbury within like days of each other. Okay. I got arrested on February the 9th. I went to Walmart to get high all day. It was going to be an all day episode. And so for whatever happened, I walked into Walmart and I walk out and I was an idiot and I started huffing before I got to the car.

And I passed out into, I don't know what she, if she sees this, I would love to meet her because of the ending of the story. I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is I fell into a woman, a young woman with a baby. And the next thing I know, I, my jaw is broken in four places. I am pushed up against a car, taser prongs in me, handcuffed, and the cops are just beating the shit out of me. Like I'm out cold. My jaw is, my bone is literally sticking out of my, my chin. Okay. Okay.

And they're pissed at this time. Like they're like, like I fought them. Like I got the best of one of them and the rest of them got me. And, uh,

And so they weren't nice at all, like being violent with me, even after I was so high, I didn't feel any pain, so it was okay. But they slammed me in the car, I hit my head. They take me to the Danbury police station. I just bailed myself right out there. I mean, it was only $25,000 bail. But this was a charge. What was the actual charge? Felony robbery in the first degree. So this could affect your whole job at this point?

Oh, you cannot hold license with a felony. So are you worried? Like what's your mind? It hadn't hit in yet. I didn't know what I got arrested for. I asked when they, when I asked the cop what I got arrested for, he told me to shut the fuck up. I was like, what? Like what'd I get arrested for? You know, like he wouldn't tell me, you know, he said, we already read those rights to you, whatever, bro. And so I go, they put me in Danbury jail and they're like, we're going to strip you out, blah, blah, blah. And I said, I'm paying my, what's my, what's my bail? Like I'm paying it right now.

And I said, here's my debit card. He's like, I'm out. And then they made, like, I paid my whole bail. It was $25,000, which is only $2,700, whatever it was.

And they made me call my friend down there and he had to still put up a truck for collateral. So I didn't know what was going on. I knew this had to be somewhat serious, but again, they didn't give me any papers. They didn't tell me anything. These cops were just like ignoring me. I never saw a cell. I was in that been the Danbury police. You walk in, there's like a little cage and you get your picture taken. And then they give you the opportunity to make a call right there. And they were like, you should just wait to see a judge. They'll lower your bail. And I'm like, I'm not fucking staying here. Like I want to go get back high. You know, that's my thoughts.

And so I'm walking out of the police station. Some lieutenant says, listen, he said, I heard you're a veteran. I heard you were in Iraq. I heard you had some combat stuff. He said, listen, you're not a bad guy. I already know who you are. He's like, accept help. I'll get you out of this. And I looked at him and I said, fuck you. I don't give a shit about your help. I said, your cops just beat the shit out of me, not knowing my jaw was broken. Like I couldn't even talk barely. And he said, listen, here's my card. Think about it. And so I was like, my friend Eric came and got me. He's like, man, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Like are you gonna kill yourself? I said probably you know, I just got felonies. I got two felonies. It was uh

I don't know if it was assault on a police officer. It was something resisting arrest. I mean, there was a lot of stuff going on. The only misdemeanor was breach of peace. And what was like the outcome? Were you, did you get convicted of this? Do you solve it? What happens? Because I went to teen challenge and went all these rehabs, the, the victim said that I had truly changed my life and that I shouldn't be punished for the rest of my life for an, for, for a mental illness that I didn't have treated. Was that your breaking point to get clean at that point, this whole incident?

he that was my rock bottom and uh not only was it rock bottom he had a trap door and you lost your wife you lost your family did you lose your job too at that point at that point i had transitioned to uh as an accountant at western connecticut orthopedic surgical center and that's where i was using in the port-a-john and uh i was i was the um the senior accountant for a or you know the outpatient facility and um

Yeah, at that point, I was holding some license that pending charges weren't an issue, but I did have to report them. So rock bottom, you're at? Jaws broken in four places. How do you redeem yourself from then? After all this time, why did you want to get your life back together? I realized a lot of things in the hospital in Fishkill after I died. I died in the Hampton Inn here in Fishkill or somewhere around there. The guy said, bro, you're dead. You're purple.

and that hit me real hard. And they told my wife I was dead. And that was the kind of what started to make me think, this is more than a problem. And so they walk me out. She turns white as a ghost. I mean, they just told her I was dead. Not maybe, but he's gone. And they literally called the truck in. And I woke up and just like Frankenstein and

no idea what happened. So I'm in that hospital in Fishkill, St. Francis or whatever it is. I don't know. I don't remember any of these places I was at. And the doctor treats me like a real asshole. And he can tell my jaw's broken, but he's like, I'm not helping you. He literally treated Mike an addict. And I'm sitting in that, I got pictures, I'll show you later. But I was sitting in that bed. And for the first time in my life, I acknowledged that I had a problem. And I didn't just have a drug problem

you know i had an addiction i had a behavior problem i had a eating disorder i was bulimic at that point it was a way to control my stress i learned in the military and i had a bunch of issues and that my wife literally had no clue not no clue i was just a successful in the community successful banker accountant and

No one knew. And in that, I finally realized I had went from 220 pounds to 187 pounds, bones sticking out of my chin. I had burn marks all over my body. I was in my underwear. She had took my shoes. I had two guards at the door because I had just ran from an ambulance that day. And I said, I'm done.

Like, you know, misdemeanors, even if you haven't been in the legal system, you think that's overcomable, right? No criminal. I had a DUI when I was 18, just a stupid 18 thing, never again. And I was like, all right, misdemeanors are okay. I can get, I can do that. I'm military. The bet card works a lot. But when I learned about my charges and what the cops wrote up and how vicious they said it was, I knew this was the end of the road. My life was going to look different. And so I decided that I knew I was going to lose everything.

And that was okay. And I surrendered and I was confident in myself that even if I lost everything, that even with the felony, I could come back out here and I'm a great salesman. I could go work at sell cars and be okay. And you've been clean ever since, ever since you've been, I've been clean since February 14th, 2020. That's awesome. And, um,

And so I made that surrender and I made this promise to God. I kind of came back to my faith. I said, God, don't get me out of, I'm not asking you to get me out of these problems. Don't, please don't. No, I don't want my, don't, my wife doesn't have to stay. I don't need my kids. I don't need anything anymore. God, I just want my mind back. I just want to feel sane. That's it, God. I'll go to jail. Just give me my mind back. And if that's what it takes for me to go to prison, I'll do it. Like I literally, I said this out loud.

And in that moment, I felt a moment of peace. Did you get it back to this day? Do you feel like you're at peace now? You know, it's a daily struggle. I don't have any addiction issues anymore. But what I do have is I do have mental illness and PTSD. I am 100% disabled permanently and totally for a PTSD issue.

For the things that I witnessed and went through in the Army. Do you actively talk to someone? I do. Yeah, I do. I go to the vet centers, which are very, I go here in Danbury, right there. They moved, but right there at Exit 5, that big brown building is where I've been going since 2016 until I moved to Waterford.

And then I worked in West Haven for a little bit and I started going there. And I started doing EMDR treatment, which I was very anti-EMDR at first because I could never close my eyes. And that was the best treatment. I went to Kentucky for a CBT treatment where I had to write my trauma out 100 times in 70 days. And the therapist picked apart all of the differences in the story. And what that helped me was to determine what the lies were, what the truths were.

not the lies like intentional, but like the exaggerations of what I saw or what I thought I saw.

And when I started doing the MDR treatment, I learned that the 34-year-old Josh cannot judge a 17-year-old Josh. And what do you do now? What helps you stay grounded? What are you focused on? I'm very heavily focused on recovery. I speak at meetings for the entire year of 2021 and most of 2022. I spoke probably about 75 times at various faith-based functions, conferences,

in Connecticut, some in New York here in La Grangeville and other places. I started traveling to North Carolina and

I kept doing it, but I was getting money and they were paying me like $400 for 40 minutes of talking. And money's always been an issue with me. Money's always been a indicator of my sobriety and how well I'm doing. And so I started doing it for free because I started creeping back into that mind frame. I must be something, like I must've done something right. And honestly, it was nothing I did. I did surrender to rehab and I went to rehab for 18 consecutive months inpatient.

in borderline a crack house in New Haven, you know, with men that I didn't connect with until I decided I was one of them. Now, what's your message to someone that finds themselves in a similar shoes as you? Maybe they were in the military and coming home or not even in the military and falls down that path. What do you say to them? How do they make it through to the other side?

I think that, you know, a military person would really understand. We have the soldier's creed and one of the sentences in the soldier's creed is I will never quit.

Or I'll never leave a fallen comrade. You know, I always maintain my arms. I always maintain my post. You know, all these different things that you promise that you'll do. And what I learned in my life and what I would tell another veteran that is probably in a similar situation is that if you're honest with yourself, you've broken 500 promises to yourself. And it's becoming easier and easier to break the bigger ones.

And what I would tell someone is if they found themselves in my situation, um, I can't promise a similar outcome. I thought I was going to prison. The Connecticut code said one to three years, the lawyer wasn't telling me, like, I think what he was doing was even, even though he was going to play down the case, uh, I think he was just trying to make, keep me honest. And, um,

So what I would say is if you find yourself in this situation, you know, faith is really the only thing that's helped me. I've tried every secular program in the United States on the East Coast. I have paid $25,000 out of pocket to go to a luxury Malibu rehab, you know, because I thought that's what, you know, a professional needed.

And, you know, everything didn't work. I was going to meetings. I, you know, I was going to this, that speaking, none of this worked, you know, and what changed in my life is when I took the knowledge I had in my head and applied it to my heart. And I accepted that I made some mistakes and I stopped beating myself up and that I truly did not know how this was going to

over how it was going to, the outcome was going to be. And, but I said, no matter what God, it doesn't matter. I've committed to this process. And if that looks like felonies, if that looks like prison time, I'm going to show other people that even with these things, I can do it. So that, that person that is, is an addiction or maybe had just been introduced to the criminal justice system for the first time. Yeah. It's scary. Yeah. You messed up, but you know what? Do more than the court is going to tell you to do.

That's what the judge said. He said, you've done a hundred times more than what the court was going to tell you. He said, the maximum I could have sentenced you was for three years. And that is if you had aggravating factors or you had multiple different things. And he said, I would have probably given you six months suspended or something. And he said, but you know what? You served 18 months in jail. New Haven Teen Challenge was no TV, no phone, no visitations, 5 a.m., 11 p.m. work.

and i did that for 15 18 months and then i worked there for 140 a month as a therapist that's awesome and so that's when the judge said you know he said you it was all surreal surreal i i've heard you know people getting like lengthy sentences on youtube and they say like they can't hear it anymore or and when he's the the lawyer told me that even though the the victim agreed to this outcome that the judge had to agree

which I didn't understand. The prosecutor agreed, the victim agreed, like there's no crime, right? But no, so I was nervous. He said, I don't know what's going to happen. I figured like, he's not playing around. And you got a second chance. Right. He said, Mr. Austin, he said, he said truly in the 40 years that I've been practicing law and, you know, as a lawyer and judging and whatever, you know, whatever it is. He said, I have never met someone ever that finds themselves in a situation like this

and just doesn't quit on life and make things worse. And at this point, I'm going in and out of what he's saying, because I know where this is going to end. And he said, he said, you know, young man, he said, you know, this has nothing to do with your veteran status. This has nothing to do with your professional status. This has nothing to do with your reputation in the community. This has everything to do that you are a changed person. And I believe it. I'm not expecting that. And, uh,

And he said, you know, he said, you've earned a nollie, a nollie per se, which I didn't know what that was. I was pissed once I found out what it was because my lawyer didn't tell me that. But that was a that was an insurance policy that I had to stay clean another 16 months.

You know, that if I got into a trespassing issue, that the state could bring back these charges and would because of another criminal, you know, criminal mischief, no matter how minor it was. They said something to the effect if I got a stop sign ticket. Like, I don't think that was true, but...

And so he said, you know, he said, he said, you know, I want you to leave here. And he said, I know what you're doing now. I got the letter from Teen Challenge. And he said, you're going to impact men and you're going to, you're going to, you're going to show and walk, walk through people, walk with people through the same system. And I have, I have had, I've walked through with other people with very little knowledge of the criminal justice system, but knowing what I just did to navigate it. And, and so I left that courthouse that day and I cried, I collapsed in the stairwell.

Because for the first time I saw real success in my work. Up until then, I was just being used at Teen Challenge. I was a commodity at that point. You know, I was talent and they don't get people with master's degrees and they don't get people that have teeth. And, you know, like when you get there, it's either death, prison, like you've lost all your brain. You know, I'm one of the rarer guys that come in there.

And you will, you've been able to make it through the other side. I think you definitely have like a story of hope and a message of hope. And there's so many people that I'm sure in your position coming out of the military, or even if they haven't been to the military, and they deal with addiction and struggle. And you know,

A lot of people don't make it to that success aspect of it because they, you know, they end up dead. You hear about that all the time. So, you know, I really appreciate you coming on and sharing your story today. And hopefully we can impact some lives with this story. And, you know, it's a story of hope and success in that. So thanks for coming on Locked In with Ian Bick. And we wish you all the best. Thank you so much.