The Sunday Carve Up – 28th July
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Now on Wide World of Sports, the Sunday Carve-Up. I've got to say, pretty poor crowd, but not surprising given where Parramatta is. Parramatta are coming last, and they're playing Melbourne, who's obviously not going to bring with them too many fans. So, yes, it probably is a disappointing crowd. Thanks, Scoop.

Here's Arcee from out wide. Well, this might make you behave yourselves, boys. Confirmation will speak to Ray Hadley, Jane Fleming and Libby Trickett at about 10.30 tonight from Paris. And they're listening to the coverage right now. So you two behave yourselves. Do we have to talk to Ray? Shut up. Here's the ball going away to hands. He's the host of the bloody opening ceremony, of course. You know who I want? What? I want Harish.

By the way, if you guys talk about it, it's ceremony, not ceremony. Ceremony. I heard Chris O'Keefe say ceremony, and then our listeners picked him up, and he said, oh, I'm in trouble, I've called it ceremony. It's ceremony.

Oh, thanks, Josh, for that impact. Hello. I'm just repeating it in my head so I don't stuff it up. Jane Fleming, it's not our first waltz at the Olympics. It is not, and I'm very happy to be listed on your dance card. Exactly. It's always lovely to have you on my dance card. Listen, piggy, piggy, piggy. Listen, I did explain to both Libby and Jane...

No, no, that's all it needs from you, you imbecile. Ray, can I ask you one question? I was talking to Sophie, your wife, earlier today. And is it true you're calling the cycling? Because Sophie told me that you'd packed your Lycra gel foam padded seat pants to call in. Listen, when you start calling my wife, that's when she'll need counselling and you'll need to get another job. Yeah.

The second thing is, you've been talking to those two dickheads. I want to know, Helen, how many times did you have a schmaw when you were sitting around a fireplace with a few cowboys? Quite a few, actually. Were you a cowgirl in those days? No, but I wouldn't have minded being one. LAUGHTER

I like Helen. She's talking about the cowboy drinks. Shots. I don't think so. What are they called? I think she's talking about chaps. Helen, you better set the record straight here. Are we talking about the drink or the actual cowboys? I think I'll keep that to myself. Helen. She's a legend. You shower together with your wife? Yeah, we've got a big shower. And you wash her? We wash each other at times, yes. Not all the time, but at times. Do you use...

Soap or the squeegee bitch? Soap. Do you do... Excuse my ignorance here. Do you do the spots that she can't reach? Yes. Listen, you two, I'm getting very, very nervous. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you ask, we deliver. Ray Hadley's counselling team.

Well, I'll just act as the mediator in this process, Daryl. Okay. I'll let you deliver the advice. Well, I'm here to try and help people's lives and make it easier for them. Ian at Terrigal. Here we go. Mate, I've got a real problem. It's been going on for quite some time. My missus has got a terrible habit. She farts in bed at night time when we're asleep.

What do I do? Oh, this is a big one. When you're asleep. I would say just suck it up, mate. I mean, that's... Are you serious? Well, what do you want him to do? I didn't think women farted. Of course I do. Listen, all right, that's enough counselling. That's enough. Thank you, Ian. Just go for your life. You're a lucky bloke, Ian. That's a hardcore Dutch oven. Because this is life. This is part of everyday life. I know it's life, but it's also national radio. Every single person out there is part of life. Why do you get gassier at night? Oh, no!

Do you actually, does that happen? Does it really happen? You know what, I can almost do it on command. Guys, it's a serious question. No! We were getting into arguments, Big Willis and I, because he's like, Dad, put it on the fencing. I'm like, no way in the world. No offence to fencing, but we've got the swimming coming up. I'm watching that every day of the week, the swimming. And then the basketball was on, I think, nine now.

But he goes to me, Dad, put it on the fencing. I love big swords. Are you serious? Is that why they call you Big Willis? Queensland, you know what? I reckon you'll end up there, Levy, after you sell your restaurant. Your mum lives there. All I'm going to say to you two dribblers is this. Who won the State of Origin Series...

Hannah and Andrew are waving and putting and cheering. Who won 14 of the last 17 Origin Series? They're all triple agents, those ones. We're living in the present, you dribblers. No, we're not. We're living in the past, you idiot. Hello, any chance of a bit of support? Half my family live in Queensland. They're all moving up there. Piggy's going up there when he sells his kit. Oh, yeah. You're moving up there too. No. Piggy's got a pool guy on the golf course. This baby that is born, invariably grow teeth.

So that takes a bit away from her teeth growing ability. Are you saying that the babies take... It's only natural. But the babies don't grow teeth until they're toddlers. Well, it doesn't matter. They still come from within her body. Hang on. Well, you don't produce much, really, do you, to help the baby, to make the baby? I produced enough. Okay, you probably did. But I'm saying this. Best 10 seconds of your life. Because it's come from within your wife's body... Right. ...she's...

The teeth that the child eventually grow after, say, about 12 months, take away from her teeth. There's no doubt about it. You can't argue this. Yes, we can. You can't argue it. It's like you saying you've got better fingernails than your wife. Why? Because the baby has fingernails. Ha, ha, ha.

You do have better fingernails than you do. No, I don't. Of course you do, mate. What do you do to your fingernails? Nothing. Exactly. Wives are always getting their fingernails done. That's because the babies have taken away the strength of their fingernails. That's why women get fingernails done, you idiot. It's simple. Can I just jump in here? What about the hair? Sorry, I've got a text from Big H. Big H is at the footy. Panthers, Dragons. Big Sword.

No, no. Big sword. Not Big Willie. Oh, sorry. Anyway, I've just seen Penrith score another try, so I thought he's going to be into me here, you know. Can I please have some money on my card? Oh, Spriggy.