Stop Waiting for A Mentor | Ep 171
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Today we have what I call a walk and talk. I had a question asked me the other night and that question was, "Layla, who is your role model? How do you find a role model? How do I find a role model?" And I had a lot of thoughts on this. And so something you may not know is I really love to walk and record. This segment is going to be me on a walk talking about how to find a role model, who I look up to, how I see finding a role model. And if you hear some car horns and some people yelling, that's why.

Here's the thing. There have been a lot of times in my life where I have wanted a mentor. And when I got into business and I finally started making money and then I had resources to quote, get mentors, what I was really awakened to is that there's no one person that's going to come in and solve all your problems.

There's nobody that has exactly everything you're looking for in life. The only person that has that is future you. So was it difficult to not have anyone like you to look up to during a time when you were coming in business? You know, I think that...

What's tough is everyone always wants a mentor because everyone always wants somebody that can tell them what to do when they're starting anything that's new. I have always wanted that. And so the reason I make content is because I would like to provide some sort of guidance for people who don't have that. But the reality is everyone always asks me the same question. They say, who is your mentor? And the reality is I didn't have a mentor.

I tried. I would say a lot of people who I had wanted to be my mentors weren't accessible to me at the time. And so, you know, the reason for that is because the best mentors, you know, they really choose who they want to mentor. They don't have people coming to them. They really go and find that person. And a lot of the times who you would want to be your mentor, they're mentoring people that are working and on their team. And so like,

I will always say the best way to get a mentor is to get a boss who is a mentor. Much easier than trying to convince them to like have you be their intern. But what I did is like I just got a quote proximity by consuming content, consuming audio books, consuming interviews, consuming books from all the people that I look up to. And so there was no one person that I thought was like the silver bullet to unlock success for me.

I just tried to learn from groups of successful people that had different pieces that I really liked. You know, at the time, Tony Robbins was probably the number one person I looked up to. Tony Robbins isn't going to mentor me. I was just a 23 year old. I had no experience. I had no track record to show that I'm going to be this special person with potential. And I will say a lot of the other people that I looked up toward that I really wanted as mentors, I probably am friends with half of them now. You know, eventually what happens is like, if you get to the point where you've actually proven yourself, like you will end up meeting those people. But

A lot of people let the fact that they don't have a mentor stop them from doing something. And the reality is, is that there is no silver bullet. There's no one person that's going to tell you exactly what to do. The closest thing, again, that you can get to that is getting a great boss who is also a mentor. But in reality, like that's also seldom. And so you're going to have to be resourceful. Being resourceful is one of the number one traits of successful people. How was I resourceful? Was like, I would read books.

and I would listen to audio tapes and I would watch interviews of people that inspired me and I would take notes and then I would

apply everything I learned to the situations I was facing. You know, when I was looking for answers, I didn't have anyone I could call. I would go look and try and watch interviews from people and see like, have they ever faced situations similar that I could apply to the situation I'm facing right now? And so I think a lot of people let this stop them from getting started thinking like, who's your role model? Who's your mentor? It's like, there is no one person. It is just a compilation of all these different inspiring people that I've seen throughout my life. And I've never experienced

EXPECTED THOSE PEOPLE TO

be my mentor just because I've wanted it. I think that if anything, you need to become successful in order to be worthy of a lot of the people that you would prefer to be your mentor. An example of this is like, I moved out to California. Why did I move to California? Why did I move to specifically Costa Mesa? I had literally been listening to an audio book from Tony Robbins where he talked about how he got out from where he was living and he moved somewhere where people were inspiring. And where he moved to was Corona Del Mar and

And guess what? I could not afford Corona Del Mar because it was too expensive. And so I moved as close as possible, which was Costa Mesa, that had affordable living. And then I would literally go to Corona Del Mar. I would go to the beach that he described in his audio tape. And I would sit at the beach and I would be writing down all my goals and thinking about all the things I needed to do to learn while I was listening to that tape.

But it's not like I had somebody that said, "Go there. Go to California. Go move there." I just literally listened to the books and I was like, "Fuck it. You know, worked for him. Might as well try it. I'm 22. I have nothing to lose." What a lot of people look for in a role model or mentor is reassurance. And the reality is you can either wait months or years to find this magical unicorn that's going to tell you what to do, how to do it, and that they're sure it's going to work. Or you can do what is actually going to happen, which is you can take a risk.

and you can bet on yourself. And so what I did in that moment is I bet on myself and I said, you know what? I can manage the worst case if this doesn't work out and I'm okay with that. And I would be less okay with not taking a chance at all. I say that because it's really important that we understand we often look for somebody so that they can reassure us of the right decision.

but they don't know either. They can just look at you and probably tell you, I think that you're the kind of person who's gonna figure the fuck out. I know that because people ask me all day. They're like, should I do this or this? And I'm like, you seem like the kind of person that's gonna fucking figure it out either way. Either way works. You're gonna make it work. It's not like there's a magical path that you have to follow. It's that you become the person that can make any path work. And so rather than seeking reassurance from the outside, put more trust in yourself and understand

allow yourself to take risks and know that you're going to have your back if it fails. Here's the thing. There've been a lot of times in my life where I have wanted a mentor. And when I got into business and I finally started making money and I finally started having something that worked, and then I had resources to quote, get mentors. What I was really awakened to is that there's no one person that's going to come in and solve all your problems.

There's nobody that has exactly everything you're looking for in life. The only person that has that is future you. And that person has not come into fruition yet. And so, you know, what took me a long time to learn is I still thought that when I was building my business, that I was like, all right, well, maybe now because I have the money and I have the connections, I'm going to find that one person. But what I realized is that oftentimes what you need is not a mentor specifically.

people that have domain expertise over whatever area you're trying to improve. Is it money? Is it investing? Is it wealth? Is it management of people? Is it...

Sales? Is it marketing? And I actually think that what I've learned is that based on whatever constraint I have, whatever I'm struggling with, that's what I should look for. I shouldn't look for this one person who has the life I want and I'm just going to take that blueprint. I should look for a person who has the specific skill and ability to help me with whatever my constraint is. And so it's not like you're going to find this one person who's like an amazing, they're absolutely amazing at all these different things. Because again, that person's probably not reachable yet.

But when you do have enough resources, there's probably something that you can pay to help you with one area. And so what I put together in my first few years of business was really like my Rolodex of what I would say is like experts who each had their own little area of expertise. You know, I was like, this person is my money expert. This person is my investing expert. Here's my management expert. Here's my sales expert. And those are people that I knew that when a constraint came up in any one area, I could call that specific person.

But I wasn't looking for like one silver bullet to be the answer to all of my problems. I think a lot of the reason that when you're starting in business, it's tough to not have a mentor is because you don't have trust in yourself yet. The reason you don't trust yourself is not because you're not trustworthy. It's because you haven't had enough time or experience to accumulate enough instances where you can demonstrate that you are able to trust yourself.

You might only have one or two instances that you can point to where you were able to trust yourself and you knew you had your own back. When me, for example, I have 45 instances of when I had my own back and was able to trust myself in my decision making. And so I think a lot of times people who are consistently asking for a mentor, what they're actually wanting is that reassurance. And so what you have to understand is that until you build that trust within yourself, you're always going to be looking for it from the outside.

But it doesn't exist there because you're going to ask one person and what you're going to find very quickly is that even when the best mentor ever, if you're somehow able to get a hold of them and they're able to answer that one question, you will very quickly find out that one, they might be wrong because they don't know you and they don't know your life. And two, it might not be the answer you were looking for. And then three, you might actually then think, actually, you know what? I need someone else's opinion. So at the end of the day, like I stopped wishing for a mentor when I started asking

realizing I needed to become my own. I needed to become the person I can rely on, the person I can think through things with, the person that I can rely on to make good decisions. I needed to

accumulate those skills within myself. And guess what? You don't accumulate those skills without trial and error, without just trying. It's not like it comes out of reading a freaking book. And it certainly doesn't come out of taking instructions from other people and not trying for yourself. It comes out of making mistakes, falling on your face, eating shit. And then you realize like, I didn't die. And you know what? I was able to fix stuff. And so is making mistakes that bad? And once you're okay with making more mistakes, then you're also okay with trusting yourself more.

because you know that whether you succeed or whether it doesn't work, you're going to make it work either way. Don't get me wrong.

I think that when you're extremely new, following a set of instructions to solve a problem is not a bad idea. But what you can't do is sit on your freaking ass and wait for somebody to come shove those instructions down your throat. You've got to go find them. You use Google, you use YouTube, you have freaking chat GPT nowadays. It probably can answer the question better than me. I think it's just remembering that we have more resources now than ever. And so it makes sense that we try to be resourceful rather than waiting for something to come to us.

And the reality is, is that what a lot of people also are going to tell you is just like that person that you want to be your mentor, you may not be worthy of being their mentee because the reality is if you were, they would have responded to you. They would have reached out to you and they would approach you. And I've had to learn that the hard way. You know, there was a time where there was this guy and he is still is one of the most renowned CEO coaches in all of Silicon Valley. And he's coached some of the top CEOs of some of the quite literally largest technology companies in the world. And I

I met him by chance and I was silly enough to ask him if I could pay him, I was like millions of dollars to be my mentor. And he was just very sweet, but was like, I choose the people I mentor. And I was just like,

Okay. And you know what? That was like, honestly, I won't even say it was a tough pill to swallow because I was just like, I get it. I'm not the CEO of Facebook. And so it is what it is. Like that person's not going to mentor me. I'm not worthy of it. I haven't demonstrated enough excellence to give them a high enough return on mentoring me.

It's not even for a lot of people in that position worth the money. It's not even about the money. It's about can you help build their reputation through what you do? So for a lot of people who are mentoring, when it's not about the money, because that's all they have enough money, right? There's no amount you could pay them that makes a difference in their life.

It's about, are you going to do something so extraordinary that it builds their reputation for being your mentor? And I know for me personally, that's the only thing that I think about when I'm thinking about mentoring people. I also don't mentor people. I either take on their company or I hire them on my team. I mentor those people.

But I am always thinking like, is this person, are they a winner? Are they somebody that I will stake my reputation on and invest my time in because I think I'm gonna get a return, meaning they're gonna evolve, they're gonna grow. And so it may sound transactional, but that is life. There has to be an equal exchange of value. And if you think that you can get somebody like,

Tony Robbins or, you know, John Maxwell or some one of these big people to be your mentor, but you provide a less equitable exchange of value, that person is never going to be your mentor. And so it just is what it is. I think we just have to face the reality of that. And the thing is, is that there's no one person that you can follow every playbook they have. I'll be honest. I think that the more intelligent somebody is, the more that they can learn from somebody that they're very different from. And the less intelligent somebody is, they cannot disagree with anything you say because then they disqualify everything else you've said.

So for example, if somebody is less intelligent and they watch my content and they say, you know what though, I don't agree with how she runs, how they run their marriage. So I'm going to disqualify her for business content. Well, that's a shame because my business content probably is very relatable for you and applicable. What the fuck does my marriage have to do with it? You don't have to do your marriage like mine. And I think that's also something I've had to realize, which is there are people that I dislike, but they have good information.

in certain areas of life. Does that mean they're my mentor? No. But does it mean I can learn from them? Yes, I can learn from people I don't like. I can also learn from people I like, but sometimes I might actually learn less from people I like and more from people I don't like. What I've been able to learn over time is like, you kind of have to create your own playbook. You have to take things from people you like, from people you don't like, from your own experiences, from what you want for yourself, and you have to piecemeal it together into your own path.

Now, in the beginning, of course, following instructions, being able to follow instructions based off of what you Google, what you read on the Internet, what you watch on YouTube like that is a skill in its own. But then after some time, you're going to want to forge your own path. And I think that the sooner you can get to that, rather than wishing for somebody to tell you what to do, just tell yourself what to do, the faster you're going to be able to find success and probably also be happy. Here's the thing. A lot of people say,

comparison is the thief of joy. I would actually say that judgment is the thief of joy and comparison is the initiator of growth. How do you grow if you can't compare yourself to someone who's better than you? Answer that, truly. How would you know that the four minute mile is possible if somebody else had not run it before you? Very few people are able to conceptualize

something that hasn't happened yet. We have this society that we live in that says comparison is the thief of joy. And I really just don't think it's comparison. Comparison is looking at where you're at, where somebody else is at, and what's the discrepancy. Is it good or bad? Is it up or down? Is it left or right? It's simply a discrepancy in performance. There's no good or bad about that.

What I think makes it good or bad, right? And what a lot of people do is they judge themselves. They say, I suck because I'm not there yet. I suck because they're only three years ahead of me and they're here. In my opinion, that's just because you're victimizing yourself and putting yourself down for not being where they're at.

which is up to you to do. Nobody else is doing that for you. You know, I look at somebody who's, you know, two years ahead of me and worth way more and way bigger life and done way crazier stuff. And I'm like, holy crap, what can I learn from that person? That's amazing that if they've done it, I can do it. We're both humans. I do think we live in this world where we demonize comparison, but comparison is the only thing that allows us to evolve. Like without it, how the fuck

the fuck would we know that we could do better? It's a gift. It's just that you judge yourself for the fact that you're not where Harry is or where Sally is yet. And that's where the bad part of comparison comes in. But that's you and that's your own head shit. And so that's something I had to realize for myself is I used to think that comparison was bad and comparing myself to these people that were so far ahead of me and I shouldn't look at it and I shouldn't...

focus on that. There's nothing wrong with focusing on it if it's motivational. I think what's bad is when you beat yourself up for not being there because when you beat yourself up, you feel disempowered and you're less likely to take action. But when you look at something and you feel inspired, you're actually motivated to take action.

Comparison is neither good nor bad. It's just judgment that makes it feel that way. So here's the thing. I think it's good to compare yourself to people around you, to people that are competitors, to people that are ahead of you, to people that are your role models, because how else are you going to know what you can do to get better?

You're not. Looking at it in a non-judgmental way is probably one of the healthiest things you can do to become a better version of yourself and to gain more skills. But I think it's also knowing that at the end of the day, there's no one person who is everything you want to be. There's just not. That person doesn't exist. The only person that is that is your future self. You 20 years from now. You 30 years from now. I know it's taken me, probably took me five years to realize that. The only person who's exactly who I want to be is Layla who doesn't exist yet.

it's future leila there's literally nobody else on this earth who i would say blueprint i want your entire life it just doesn't exist and so piecemeal things together that you see

from different people who inspire you in different areas of life. Compare yourself, don't judge yourself, to people who are around you, who maybe are more further ahead of you than you are, and look at what the discrepancy is. What do they do that you don't do? Or what do you do that they don't do? There's a lot you can learn from that. And then lastly, is I would say, trust yourself. And here's the thing, you don't have a lot of reasons yet, but you're not going to be

be able to even create any reasons unless you try. And you're not going to be able to create evidence that you are trustworthy unless you try to do things and then figure out what you're capable of. At the end of the day, when somebody asks, how do I find a role model? You become them. You're not going to find a person that is exactly who you want to be. You are that person. Those are the three things that you can do to get closer to becoming the person you want to be.