Don and Janet Bendell: Real Men Are Cowboys
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All right, gang, we have a special treat for you on this week's Live in the Bream. We are going to talk to a real life cowboy, his psychologist wife, about this new book that they have written together. And it is going to stir up some controversy. It's going to stir up some thought provoking conversations. And they, you know, have written this together as a guide to relationships and their advice.

on making things work in our current society with all kinds of, you know, discussions about gender roles and all kinds of other things. So the book is out now. It's called Real Men Are Cowboys and Women Love Them by Don Bendel and Dr. Janet Bendel. Welcome to you both.

Thank you. Thank you, Shannon. Okay, you guys have all kinds of, Don, our paths crossed years ago. You have all kinds of amazing stories from your background in the military and martial arts. You're a best-selling author. And you guys found each other later in life. And from what I recall, when you met, it was instant fireworks. How did you two end up together? It was. I was never going to marry again.

And I was just going to date and have grandkids over for sleepovers with grandpa at my ranch, you know, on weekends. And I was content with that and just date when I felt like it. And I was just going to date three or four women. Three or four at the same time, Don? Yeah.

He does everything big. I was 70 years old. I'm 73 now. And I was 73 and she was... And we met in Colorado Springs for our first date, which lasted five and a half hours. And I was in love again, first sight.

Well, and Janet, it sounds like for you as well, you talk about how you were very content, kind of solo, had been single for a long time, and you were not going to settle for somebody that wasn't the right man for you. And then you came to find Don. He was the right mix for you. And you talk about this, the two of you in your book, about

what it is to be a real man, because we have these conversations about toxic masculinity and that that's a topic that we've talked about on the podcast before, too, that that men are seen as overbearing, dysfunctional, sexually compulsive, intimidating, all the things you outline in your book. And you say you guys partially wrote this book to make sure that that's what people don't associate with manhood. Janet?

Well, that's right. And so many men are being blamed for not being more like women. And frankly, I want my man to be different from me. You know, masculine and feminine, that's what creates chemistry. And that's what happened with Don and me. During our first date, we had fireworks everywhere.

Because although we were different, we also had enough common values and interests and goals that it just created sparks. It started off with the fact that we were both Christians and we were both conservatives.

And we were both former army captains, so we were both control freaks. Yeah, sometimes two control freaks doesn't work out so well. But you guys had enough common ground. But when you talk about the masculine and the feminine and that creating chemistry, I know from reading the book, you're not saying strictly male and female. You're saying men and women can have masculine and feminine characteristics. We all have a mix of those things.

And it's finding the right mix that works. But what do you make of the conversation that there are traditional roles for men and women? And, you know, if you say that, it tends to be controversial for some people because they think, listen, it's 2020. Everything has changed. There really are no rules for making relationships work.

Yeah, I agree with that. But on the other hand, almost every woman I have ever spoken to does not want a man who is overly feminine in his sex.

And what I'm talking about is frail or dependent or somebody who, you know, is flaky or giddy. A woman wants somebody who's dignified and courageous and strong. And those characteristics, both men can have those, and those are what I call virtues, character.

Those are gender-neutral traits that both men and women can have. But men and women are turned off by excessively masculine, the anger, the violence, the mean, or excessively

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And you talk about the character traits of somebody that is a good man as faith, decisiveness, integrity, fairness, courage, boldness, trustworthiness, leadership, respect, accountability, strength, dignity and happiness. And you talk about those things in the book, but you say it's a bonus to have humor as well. And I will say I do think humor goes a long way. My husband, though, does not always think I'm funny. I try.

We have different senses of humor. But that's always nice when that connects too. My husband doesn't always think I'm funny, but I'll tell you what. Don is very funny. And he just carries that with him from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed. He's funny.

funny, he's humorous, and he's in good optimistic spirits. And how wonderful it is for me to be with someone who is so nice to be around. So there's a lot of pleasure there, and he creates a lot of happiness. Don is very, very funny.

Well, and Don, you talk about your Code of the West as well, about the way that men should treat women, about anger management, about the way to be a man in today's society. Well, I came up with the Code of the West for myself years ago. And in fact, let me read it to you. Cowboys should treat women like ladies, period.

Cowboys fight fair. They fight only when they have to, and when they do have to fight, they win. Period. You know exactly where you stand with a cowboy. There are no gray areas, only black and white, but not when it comes to skin color.

A cowboy is only as good as his word. A cowboy protects his family, spread, and community. A cowboy will fight for and take care of orphans, widows, and those who are oppressed. A cowboy will go out of his way to avoid a fight and is always willing to share his grub, campfire, and water. A cowboy believes in his God and he believes in America and will fight and die to protect either.

How can you not love a man who believes in those things and follows it up with solid, real, concrete behavior?

Well, let me ask you to those who would hear that and say, you know, they have a critical view of that, that women are weak, that they need to be protected, that they need someone to save them, that they're the flaky, silly ones. How do you respond to people who would read this book that way? Well, Shannon, it's just we have no control over that. One of the greatest gifts God gives us is the freedom to choose.

And some people choose to be naive. I can only think the way I think.

And we're not putting anybody down. We're talking about what works for us. And I say in the book, excessively feminine traits and excessively masculine traits are like eating too much cake or drinking too much whiskey. They're going to make you sick in the end.

and uh... somewhere contrasting masculinity is it masculine trait that people use a lot

Some women use excessively masculine traits in their behavior, and some men use excessively feminine. But the strengths that men and women have—judiciousness, caring, nurturing, diplomacy—all of those strengths that are sometimes considered to be masculine, sometimes considered to be feminine—

but also the totally gender-neutral traits of respect and trustworthiness. Any man or woman can do that. But we wanted to focus on men because we feel that men are getting a bad rap right now, and a lot of men have become wimpy because they're afraid to really assert themselves. Men are uniquely visitable.

physiologically created with testosterone and other characteristics and traits and chemistry that make them protective and providers. And we should encourage that. And that doesn't mean we're taking anything away from anything that anybody else wants to do. Hey, you

Be creative with your own life. But we're saying that a lot of men want to have traditional values and behavior, and that's fine too. Let's celebrate that along with all the other diversity.

Yeah. And you talk about the idea of controlling your emotions as well, that all of us, you know, male, female, you know, you've got to think about how your emotions impact other people. And that's one of the criticisms that we hear with toxic masculinity, with, you know, anger or rage or, you know, bullying, those kinds of things. So talk about that, this issue of controlling your emotions.

Well, Shannon, as you know, I spent 53 years in the martial arts, most of that teaching. And I've spent countless hours teaching women and girls and boys how to fight against sexual assault, against domestic abusers, against those who violate the boundaries of ethical behavior that are in positions of trust.

whether it's clergy or whether it's teachers or neighbors or relatives who take advantage of their position and a position of trust with a child. You know, I'm very passionate about those things, teaching people how to be assertive, how to stand up and be victors, not victims. And, you

You know, you learn in the martial arts if you're a serious student, which I still am after 53 years. You learn how to control your emotions. Black belts cannot afford to get in a fight because somebody starts calling them names.

nor can professional boxers or mixed martial artists. You go to jail. It's like attacking somebody with a gun needlessly. So you learn to control your emotions. You have to. And in civilized society, we need to learn to stick to societal arrays of civilized behavior

and realize there's consequences which a lot of young people have not learned these days. There's consequences for our actions. And if you're going to disagree, it's like my little joke a little while ago about politics. You know, I have children that are opposite from me politically. I have six children, and some of them believe in a different party than I do.

I don't love them any less. My older sister that used to change my diapers is a liberal and I'm a conservative. And we teased each other for years, but I love her. She was like my second mother growing up. You know, in this nation, we need to realize that we're Americans and we're humans and we're children under God. And we need to spend more time loving each other and less time being angry at each other.

I think that's great advice across the spectrum.

and you can either make choices create more stress like if something happens that you're not happy about you can change over eat over drink get into arguments with people but that's gonna put your system on overload you can make good choices like don does

eat well and not drink and exercise every single day and be of service to people in the community. And what you do is create a whole system that builds on itself and it becomes wellness and health and satisfaction and happiness.

And so our choices do have consequences, and it's important. Decisiveness is one of the virtues that we talk about. So that's one of the things that I think is important. Also, integrity. Everybody has a gap between their ideal self and their actual self. What we want to do is fill in that gap with the authentic self, with the real self.

I have a little saying, before you can be all you can be, you have to be yourself. And we want to fill that with the right stuff, with healthy stuff, with the kinds of things that are going to create rather than destroy. Okay.

The other important thing I think about this book, Shannon, as you know, is a memoir. And then Janet comments as a doctor of social psychology on the aspects of the behavior of men from that point of view. But in the memoir, I don't just... I've talked about a lot of the bad decisions I made over the years. You know, as you also know...

I've been a recovering sober alcoholic for 51 years and been involved in 12-step programs, which I highly recommend for everybody, even if you don't have a drinking or drug problem. They're just great programs and they're free, such as Al-Anon and AA and NA and so on.

And I just highly recommend them, and I just have very strong feelings about things like that. And I talk about I had a very nasty childhood, and I've been married a number of times. Janet is number 25 or 26.

You've lost count. She's number five. Number five. And, of course, you know, I lost my wife, Shirley, of 33 years. And you and some of your coworkers prayed for her when she was fighting against leukemia.

And you and your husband sent the most beautiful flower arrangement to her funeral of anybody. But, you know, it's like the title of your book, you know, Finding the Bright Side. You've got to just keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what's thrown at you in life.

I talk about a fight over my three children from my first marriage and a nasty divorce. And I talk about the mistakes I've made in life, too, not just the successes that I've had, because success in life is a series of failures piled on top of each other.

Yeah. And you all talk about it's yeah, I think it's important to be vulnerable and honest about where we've gotten things right or wrong and where we've tried to make things right. And you talk about in the book, too, that you can take action and change your life or change your path if you don't feel good about where you are in relationships or life or career or anything else.

And that's an encouraging message that we all need to hear. I think that there are ways to improve ourselves and to break bad habits and to try to move in a positive direction moving forward. The book is Real Men Are Cowboys and Women Love Them. Don Bendel and Dr. Janet Bendel write this together. Series of stories and clinical advice and all kinds of things. And it is out now. Thank you guys for stopping in on Live in the Brain. It's great to have you.

Thank you so much, Shannon. Thanks, Shannon. And keep your show going. We love it. I'll see you tonight. God bless you guys. Pull up a chair and join me, Rachel Campos Duffy, and me, former U.S. Congressman Sean Duffy, as we share our perspective on the discussions happening at kitchen tables across America. Download From the Kitchen Table, The Duffys, at foxnewspodcasts.com or wherever you download podcasts.