103: PART 2: Relationship advice by the girl who thought she’d be single forever
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Hello my beautiful people and welcome back to the moments podcast. This is actually part two of last week's episode where we talked about love and boys and relationships, situationships, being vulnerable, opening your heart, all that jazz. So if you didn't listen to last week's, I highly encourage you to do so. I actually really enjoyed recording that episode and think that it has a lot of value and a lot of good points and hopefully some good advice to take away from. But yeah, this is part two, so we'll just jump right into it. All right, so

I've recollected my thoughts. I really, really like this one because it really strongly applies to everything that I felt in the beginning of my relationship and I still feel now. Like what to do with the fear of someone leaving you or things ending horribly. In the beginning of the relationship, I want to say the first three months, if you would have asked me like, "Oh, what are you gonna do if he does this to you or if this ends badly?" I would have been like, "Well, I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna take care of myself and I'm gonna pop my shit." You know?

That's the kind of mindset I had. Like, I just didn't care. I'm like, if someone shows me who they are and things end badly, F. It is what it is. Now that I can confidently say I love someone with my whole being, like unconditionally, I constantly have this fear of what if things go badly? And what if something goes wrong? And what if I lose everything that we've built or I have to start over? And

Obviously these are like really big heavy conversations to think about when I'm in a seven month relationship It's not like I'm talking four years here five years But still I do think our relationship is super elevated and I could 100% see myself marrying him and would love to do so I get so giddy when I say that like it's just we talk about all the time. Is that a bad thing? I don't know point is

I always worry. I'm like, I don't know what I would do myself. I would be heartbroken. I would deal with my breakup horribly. But it is a subconscious constant fear. And I'm still to this day working on letting go of it. And I think that the tip that has helped me the most with it is just knowing that there is nothing I can do right now to control the future except...

be in the moment in my relationship. If I am constantly worried about the future of our relationship, I'm going to miss the current moment that we get to be together and that we are together and that we are so happy and so in love and so healthy. Why would I waste my time thinking about what's going to happen if we're ever not like that? Because

Like, wasting our time thinking about what-ifs is ridiculous, and we should not do that to ourselves, ever. This applies to everything in our lives, okay? Be here. Be now. Soak in the moment, and just let it all be, okay? Let it all be as it is. You can't control the future. All you can do is control. You can't even control the now. You only have so much control. You can control your mindset. So just...

Enjoy where you're at. Okay, enjoy this exact moment with the person that you love or the person that you're with and If the time ever does come you'll figure things out then just like you always do, you know That's that's how I feel about it. Just be here. Okay, so

The next one I also feel really heavily. Like this is a big one. How do you balance your time and your space and your energy? This goes back to how in the beginning of Gabe and I's relationship, I would ask myself if it was worth it. Okay. I live on my own. I have, I create my work schedule. It's not, I don't go into an office from this hour to this hour and have this lunch break and this time off.

That is not how my job works. And I'm grateful that it's not. I think it's really cool creating my own schedule and being my own boss. That being said, it does give me more freedom to lose track of my work and my schedule and just lose track of all of my things. Like I have always...

with my schedule in the first place when there was no one else incorporated into my life. Like my, my life was stable. I had my best friend and my family. Those were really the only people I had to make time for. You know, my grandparents. Yeah. My long distance friends. Yeah. But that's all pretty simple and seamless and through the phone. Uh,

But the only people I really made time for in my day-to-day was, again, my best friend and my family. So having someone new enter at such a fast, serious pace where we're talking like sharing a space together a lot of the time at most hours of the day was freaking terrifying. And I would go, like I said, back and forth the first couple months. I'm like, am I really ready to give up all of this time and space for someone else? Because obviously...

when I'm going to love someone, when I'm going to be with someone, when I'm going to commit to someone, I'm going to do it right. And I'm going to love hard and emotionally just like take on a whole other person's emotions because I feel things so deeply. Point here is learned that it just took time. And like in the beginning, it felt like I was losing all of this time and I was giving up so much of this time for someone else. But the longer we've been together, the more

I've been able to, one, make time for work even when we're together. It went from less of being this new, fun, fresh relationship where every moment we were hanging out was like we were on a date. And in that time, you don't go on your phone, you don't open a book, you don't open your computer and answer an email or even text someone back. That's when you're so fully focused on one another.

But we were spending so much time together that I was just like, dude, my work is on my phone. Like, my whole career is on there. Like, I got to check in and do things. And I'm really just going off the rails here right now. Point is, I've gotten to a point where I can work with him. And I have found a way to, like, coexist my work and my relationship and my me time and my...

Not perfectly yet. Like I still am trying to find the time to work out again or volunteer again and be able to do those things with him and without him and still be myself completely as a person. But I've also opened up to him a lot more about like why I need this space and time and why there are certain things I need to do alone and certain things I can do with him. And I think a whole other layer to that is that

My life is my job and my job is my life. And like I'm filming a lot of the time, which I know it sounds silly, but like it does affect a relationship. I'm not going to let my relationship be interrupted by my work at all times. So figuring out that balance was a big, big, big challenge.

tough thing to figure out but we're doing it slowly but surely and obviously this specific situation might not apply to your situation but I hope you can just take away that what I'm saying is just give it time and again openly communicate a lot of these have like the same two answers give it time and speak your mind and communicate what you want and what you need and the right person will be willing to listen that being said

Sometimes like it's so fun new and fresh that you don't want to like talk about those things You don't want to give up your time together and and that wasn't was a hard one for me like I I want to just play all day and like have fun all day and hang out all day and all night and never do my work, but

I had to kind of give myself some self-discipline. Like this is, yes, one of your, this is basically your best friend now and you are with them all the time, but work is still a priority. And like, you gotta be doing things for yourself and taking care of yourself. And I really just loved rambling about that one. You just need to,

give it the space to blossom properly and as long as you're prioritizing the right things you will find a way to coexist your me time with your work time with your loved ones time with your boyfriend time it just comes with time and experience okay next one hi you guys quick little intermission

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365 day returns that's q u i n c e.com slash moments to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash moments back to the pod i'm gonna try to pick up the speed here allowing yourself to be loved um this one's hard it's really hard on the same note that i'm super independent

I also have built up a really strong castle around myself. And by that I mean my walls are very guarded and they're high. And I'm an open book about most things. Like I can get...

Very emotionally deep with people quickly. But there are still certain things about myself that I am extremely insecure about. And I have just found a way to block out from myself. Like when you open your heart and you let someone in, it opens this whole new can of worms that you are now forced to re-evaluate the things that you were blocking from yourself. Like when I have breakdowns or I go through things, I isolate myself.

And now having someone in my life who I don't really want to isolate from and I want to be there for me through these like moments in dark places. I have had to get real with even myself about who I am as a person when I'm in a dark place because I'm showing it to someone else. I can't run from it or hide from it anymore. And it's just weird. It's really, really weird to

finding someone who loves the things about you that you hate, that you block out, that you run from. And it's a beautiful thing because it eventually allows for space to love yourself more. But I think that at first, it makes you hate yourself a little bit more because you're forced to face the things that you've blocked out. So it creates this like

I don't know, just a whole new level of insecurity because you're resurfacing what you've tucked so far down into you because you've built your walls so high. And now someone has come in and taken down those walls and you have to see everything that you put down on the bottom, it's back at the surface. And you, at first, are probably going to hate it because you're human. But with time, someone nurtures that and they love it and you learn that you can love it too. And I think that...

eventually true love helps you love yourself more and I really do mean that I'm still figuring it out like there's still times where I just Don't feel like I can be loved like I just get really insecure about certain things and it's all the self-doubt and insecurity And I'm working on turning it off and I've been better at it It comes down to just believing it you deserve love and the person that is with you is

should treat you like a princess and should love you. And if they're not doing that and they're not making you feel loved, you deserve better. You really do. I mean, first have a conversation with it about it. Sometimes people, and I actually want to touch on this. There are people who you have to explain things to. Like every once in a while, Gabe and I will have these, like we'll sit down and have a conversation. Like this is just an example. He gets a little bit jealous sometimes about random things the same way that I do.

But we talk about Hawaii, which was a huge chapter of my life. I went through so much in Hawaii. And it's a lot of who I am today because of what I experienced when I was there. But whenever I talk about it, because he's a boy, he knows I talked to other boys when I was there. Every time I bring it up, he gets a little bit more quiet and reserved and less engaged in what I'm talking about.

I didn't like that. It made me upset because I'm like, listen, I'm telling you all these things because I want you to be a part of them. I want you to feel like you were there. Not because I don't want you to be jealous of like my past. I want you to be a part of it and really understand it, you know, because it's part of why I'm me. And, um,

He didn't even think like that or about that. And it was never with bad intention. It was with the most pure intention, honestly. He just had to...

Again, let me take this back. I had to clearly communicate because if I didn't how would he know like how to respond? How would he know that me? Constantly talking about the time that I had like living in Hawaii on an island with all my friends and all these boys like how would he see that as just like my boyfriend as Me trying to include him in my past, you know, like those are the conversations that you have to have and

And I don't even know how I got onto that train of thought but like the point there is that you have to sometimes explain things to people and then if they listen that says a lot about them and if they don't that says even more about them like you really learn who a person is when you when you clearly ask them like hey can you not do this if they stop doing it good great like that that's someone who's willing to listen and fix things like together and

They do the opposite, says everything you need to know. They don't want to listen to you. They don't want to grow together or evolve together, yada, yada, yada. How the heck did we get this from allowing yourself to be loved to that?

Wish I could tell you. Can't connect the dots. We're moving on to the next one before I drive myself crazy. You guys, I am so excited to tell you about this. Did you know, which I have recently just learned, that normal bed sheets, they hold more bacteria than a freaking toilet seat. They can lead to acne and allergies and stuffy noses and it's just gross and I've been struggling with all of those things.

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speak try miracle.com slash moments and use the code moments to claim your free three-piece towel set and save over 40 off you're gonna love it i swear how to not be scared of hanging out with someone alone we touched on this a little bit in the beginning i think that there's no way to avoid the fear i think that you're going to be scared you're going to be really effing scared and you're going to want to shit your pants but you just have to like head on face the fear you guys are

If you follow me on TikTok, you probably saw my get ready with me for a first date. For some reason, it blew up. But I was losing my mind, anxious and stressed and like sick to my stomach about going on this date. I mean, hands shaking, palms sweating, freaking out.

That fear has been like something that I've had a problem with forever. And like I said, not just in relationships, in friendships, like being alone with someone is hard for me. 10 million times harder when it's someone who could potentially be a romantic partner. And I think a lot of this stemmed from like my fears of intimacy and just my fears of having real conversations with someone. Like I just would always fear that the conversation would just die out, which it never does. I'm always nervous for no reason. The fear is not going to go away.

I still feel this fear when I'm meeting new friends or meeting new people. But you just have to face the fear. Like, you have to run into it and deal with it. And it's in a tough love kind of way. Like, our feelings are all valid. My social anxiety is so valid. But how do I ever expect myself to get over it if I don't just fucking face it? I have to just do it. And that's really my biggest piece of advice when it comes to this. Like...

I'm not going to say get over it because you're not going to get over it, but just do it. Do it even if it scares you. Do it because it scares you. And I think that you'll see that it's worth it. And if it's not, it's not. But either way, you learned a lesson or you met a blessing, whatever it may be.

It was valuable. And I think that the more you do it, the less scared you'll be of it. You know? I mean, even in the first couple months of Gabe and I having an official label on our relationship, I was still nervous to hang out with him. And there's still certain times where, like, he does make me nervous. And I think that that's good. I think butterflies are good and healthy. And I'm 100% comfortable with him. But I can still get butterflies. And I can still feel nerves. And the two can coexist. So, just...

Just do it, okay? Just face it. Next one is how to not chase. In a pretty simple way, I would say, like, put all your time and your energy goes into you, okay? If you want to have someone fun to talk to and chat with and text with, that's okay. I've always had that. Like, I honestly can't think of a time in my life where I wasn't, I don't want to say talking to someone, but having someone I was consistently texting, whether that was a boy, it's always Lisette. Like, Lisette is someone that I text constantly. Point here is...

Think that that's fine. I think that that's not going to stop you and that's not a form of chasing I think that if you're pouring into yourself your hobbies your passions emphasis on your things that you like to do and in focusing on who you want to be and slowly working on becoming that version of yourself I think that that's your way of putting into the universe that you are not chasing anything that you are

simply being a magnet for anything that is attracted towards you and when you're focused on these things your Purpose is your passions the people who align with that are going to naturally come into your life Where you lose that is when you are focused on other people's purposes other people's passions when you be someone to get the attention of someone else and

That's that's chasing that's where you're going to lose yourself in the mix of it all and the most important thing when it comes to getting into a serious relationship or finding true love is that you are yourself nothing is Going to last if you are a fake version of yourself who is simply living to please someone else That's where things get messy and that's where things get unhealthy and you have to also just swallow the pill that you can really really really like someone a lot and

And think that they're great and want to spend the rest of your life with them. But if you have had to change who you are to be with them, you have to swallow the pill and know that this isn't going to be your forever person. You are not going to be happy with this person. And again, I think this is something that you feel in your gut. You know this.

Which honestly leads into the next one. Like, someone asked, do you believe in when you know you know? Now that I know, now that I've felt, yes, I do. I don't think like, oh my God, the day that I met Gabe, I knew I was going to marry him. No. I can say now, yes, confidently that I would marry him and I want to and I could see a very long-term future with us. But what I mean when I'm talking about this feeling, the when you know you know feeling, I think it's love. I think that's what it is. Like, I think you...

You know when you love someone. And I've tried many times in my journal to articulate what love feels like, and I simply can't do it. It feels like this overpowering comfort, but it's terrifying. But you just want to give your everything to someone, and you just want to hold them tight and be there for them, and you feel that reciprocated.

True love is where it's reciprocated and if it feels one-sided on either way, I think you know that that's not it. But yes, I absolutely believe in when you know you know and there's no way to further explain it unless you've experienced the when you know you know, right?

The last one I wrote down and the last one I'll answer before I just throw out some other random tips and tricks and pieces of advice is bringing up hard conversations. And I think that we have touched on that many times in this episode so far or in part one, but...

You just gotta bite the bullet and do it. A lot of these things come down to the same answers and it's just facing your fears, giving things time, and speaking your mind and communicating. Start it slow, okay? Ease into hard conversations. This is something that Gabe and I have always done. Like, if one of us is feeling something, we will ease into it. Like, we'll bring up the general idea of what we want to get deep about and then slowly, like,

deeper dive into the harder parts of the conversation and you can't make a hard conversation easy there's there's no way around it it's gonna be hard and that's what's beautiful about it and I think that that's what makes a relationship stronger and that's what helps it grow is the hard conversations and the real things that you got to talk about and decide together and work through together um

You know, it's never going to be easy. So I guess that's really my only answer for that is to just go for it. Last thing I really want to say before I end this is just that you are a one of a kind human being and you are so much more beautiful and kind and amazing than you think because I know that none of us view ourselves the way that other people view us.

A lot of us are really hard on ourselves and it's true that we're all our own worst enemy. But I just want you to know that you deserve the world. And if you have ever or are dealing with someone who doesn't make you feel loved or cherished, I want you to walk away from it. And I want you to know that there is someone out there who is going to treat you like a princess, who is going to take care of you. And I know that sometimes it can be really scared to leave things behind.

that are comfortable even if you've gotten used to being treated poorly or not listened to you you deserve to walk away from that even if you don't know what the outcome is going to be even if you have a fear that you'll never find someone again i can promise you that you will and you'll find the right person who is going to truly cherish you that person is out there and you will find it and i just i wanted to give you that little bit of hope and just comfort and just

Remind you that you deserve the world and to just evaluate your worth and know that this goes a lot out to my younger listeners. I've been in high school. I've been in middle school. That's where the guys are trashy, okay? Most of the time, you're not going to find a man in high school and I can promise you that.

Which is another reason I think it's very important to stay single in high school, college, as long as you can, really. Because men don't develop until they're like 25, and even then, I talked to a 27-year-old who had the same intentions of a high schooler. Point is, a lot of guys aren't going to know your... What was the point, actually?

I don't know. A lot of guys aren't going to know your worth, okay? And you need to, okay? And you've just got to know that there's a good guy out there and they're going to take care of you and hold you and hug you. And I just don't know where I was going with that. But I really love you guys and I really appreciate you. And if you took anything away from this, I hope it was valuable. And I hope that you now understand that you...

deserve to be in a relationship that feels safe and it feels comfortable and you feel loved and you feel like you are giving your love and you can have hard conversations and I just want you to know it's out there and it's possible and it's going to happen and oh I know where I was going with this and

I remember now, if you're younger and you're dealing with a guy who is just trying to Snapchat you or get you to send gross pictures, because I actually got, I was really upset to see that I got a lot of sticker answers that are like this. Like, oh, guys at my school just want to like rate us and rate our nudes. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm disgusted. But I'm not surprised. This is something like when I was in middle school, we had

Hot or not pages or smash your past pages and we had literally like Would ask people if they would bang us or not in middle school like what the heck younger kids sexualize things a lot more than they should and I think That's very unfortunate. But if you are in someone in high school Don't send the nudes. Okay, you deserve so much more than that. You're so much stronger than that and just Don't do it. Okay, those aren't the boys you want to be around

Give yourself time to grow. Give them time to grow and the right ones will find you. I just, I want you to know that there's bad guys out there and you don't need them, right? Okay, closing out here. I love you guys and I appreciate you and I will talk to you next Monday. You're awesome, amazing. And yeah, if you want to know more about this or my relationship or whatever it is, I'd be happy to do another one of these. I love you. We'll talk soon. Okay, bye.