Asking a therapist and certified brain health coach how to change your mindset (With Dr. Leon)
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Hello, my beautiful people. Welcome back to the Moments Podcast. I'm here with Dr. Leon. As I just introduced, she is my queen, my angel. She has pulled me through so many different tough spots in my life, and I actually haven't got to see her in the past few months. So I feel so lucky right now that we get to catch up and reunite, but also share with you guys some good, valuable information.

things. So welcome back to the Moments Podcast. She's been on here a couple times, but she's back and we're better and we have some really exciting things to talk about. You want to say hello? Hi everybody. Thank you for having me, Lexi. I really am so thrilled to come on because the couple times that I have, the feedback that your audience has provided has

really gave me more confidence to keep coming back because my biggest fear was what if I don't convey what I want them to be able to hear and what if it sounds so jumbled up and I'm so nervous. But really, it sounded like that they really appreciated it and they really benefited. So anytime you ask me to come, that is one thing I'm like, yes, I'll figure it out. I'll work through my sweats. So I am very thrilled to be here. Thank

you. Yeah, that's something that we were both just talking about too. Every single time, no matter how many times we record together, and you guys know that whenever I have to have a guest on the podcast or go have a conversation anywhere public, I get so nervous and so anxious. So we're both taking big steps in the right direction and it's all for you guys. So we must really, really love

you. But exactly what we're going to talk about on today's episode is something that I've probably touched on before, but obviously with no credentials, I've touched on it the Lexi way, uh, just shifting our mindset, like being able to take our negative thoughts and

the things that are repetitive that we can't seem to release, let go of, get rid of, and shifting them into something that is more valuable for our mind, that moves us in the right direction, that is powerful in a good way instead of a bad way. So what we're going to do is kind of go through the steps on how we can do that, the steps to take that are very attainable and doable, and then also maybe cover some

mindset shifts that a lot of you guys wanted to make because I put on my story, you know, what are certain thoughts that you can't get rid of that you would love to change or shift into something more valuable? And a lot of us said the same thing. Like a lot of us struggle with the same things that we need to shift in our minds. So we're going to go through all of those. Hopefully knowing us, we'll get a little bit sidetracked and talk for hours, but we will do our best to get to everything. And I guess, um,

We could probably just start with kind of your list and how from the top do we take something negative and shift it into something that is better for us? You know, I love this topic because to me mindset is really everything. And when I say everything, it's your foundation for how you view problems, how you view life, how you view yourself.

And mindset has so many like variables and so many pieces that create how we think the way that we think. There are genetic pieces to it. There are our experiences and then it's the way that we were raised.

The good news is, is that all of it though can change. If you don't like something about your brain, this very fancy word called neuroplasticity just basically means we have the power to change the way that our brain operates.

So I think something that would be really helpful is explaining mindset in more of a metaphor. And I think that the most optimal way to understand this is a set of lenses, like on glasses.

And you can have a pair of lenses that are your prescription. They're clear. You see everything the way that it is, but you also have such clarity that it gives you the ability to see all like down the street or around the corner in all different areas.

There are also lenses though that could be foggy, they could be cracked, or they could no longer be your prescription and you still have them on. So in real life, like what would you do if your glasses are cracked or fogged and you're not able to see? Would you just keep wearing them?

Probably not. I hope not. Otherwise, you can't expect anything to change. Then you will still see fogginess. You will still see negativity. You will still see things in a dark way. I love a metaphor. I love it. It just, it really opens my eyes to see things so differently and in the best possible way. Like you just explained that to me. Yeah. You just explained that to me even before we started recording. She went over that. But hearing you explain it in depth, I'm like, wow, you're so real.

Right, of course. But anyways, continue. I just love it. I love you so much. Because I think, yes, just like accentuating that sometimes if you hear something in a different way or you see it in a different way,

you never really thought you could think about it differently or have a different response. But just be open to knowing that there are a variety of different lenses. Something that I think is really important, though, is to be aware that it doesn't just happen overnight where...

my little metaphor of changing your prescription glasses, it still takes time. There's an assessment. You've got to order your lenses. You've got to order the frames. You've got to wait for, right. So in that time, what I'd like to also use is that example of being patient and knowing that there are steps.

So I would love to give a variety of steps. They're not necessarily in any particular order, but there is a little bit of order as far as what's important when you really are working on mindset. Some of the things that I want to talk about today

We've mentioned in other podcasts, but in here, I'm going to give an example of why it's so important related to the mindset. I love that. I just wanted to put a little thing out there that if anybody wanted to take notes starting now, now's a good time to grab your notebook and a paper, or if you're a typer, go ahead and start doing that. Because I think one of the biggest...

pieces, the word I'm going to use is a foundation and words matter. We've, if you've listened to me before, words matter. Um, so I think the two words in our vocabulary and in life that get very misinterpreted and, um, need to be redefined are the words mistake and

And the words failure. These are my favorite. What she's about to tell you is one of my favorite things. I think from the beginning, our first session ever, this is one of the things that you taught me. And it still to this day changes my life. And I probably, they're going to be like, oh, I already know this. I'm like, but no, now you're going to get it from the source. So I actually realized it's been about 20 years that I have been using this made up word that I've created that I think the world needs to adapt to.

And that is differentiating that there are really different kinds of mistakes and there are different kinds of fails, let's say. And so to distinguish the two, one is something you learned from and the other you didn't and you're doing the same thing over and over.

That is what we do want to avoid. We want to avoid anything we're not gaining any knowledge, any growth, any learning to bring into any future opportunity. But unfortunately, in the vocabulary, fail and mistake are words that we usually avoid, maybe embarrassed in admitting and acknowledging if we did them. We wrap them into our character and our identity, but also we try to avoid them.

But those are the very things that make us smarter, wiser, stronger, and have more growth. I think they're so powerful. And last week, if you guys listened to last week's episode, I did an episode on kind of just gratitude overall. I was talking exactly about that. Like we cannot actually find ourselves or reach our truest potential without failing, without making mistakes. Like we need to do so to...

Become ourselves, I think. No, it's so crucial. It's so important that if we continue to try to avoid, which leads to perfectionistic thinking, which is poisonous, you won't really ever achieve what it is that you're desiring. So anybody can come up with any words that they want to use instead to represent that learning piece. I have certainly taken that word mistaki. I spell it M-I-S-T-A-K-I.

T-A-K-I with like a little accent over the I. First of all, it's just kind of like makes people chuckle. It's a funny word. But it really does distinguish that when you are experiencing something that you know you've got to grab some growth from there or some learning lesson. There's always a lesson. Every single time in every single situation and...

I've learned this and I still have to remind myself of it every single time but every time we meet up you're like no but look at what you learned and I'm like wait a second you're right I would have never figured that out about myself or about the future or about what I had going on had I not made that mistaki or experienced that thing that I viewed as a failure exactly and it's

I love what you said. It is always, always there. We just may not know what it is at that moment. We have to go back. We may need to ask for help in seeing what that is, but it is there. So we can't ignore that those pieces exist.

And so when I'll just kind of piggyback on what you said, when you learn to have gratitude for that opportunity to learn that piece, that is the highest opportunity to be better at the next time you're trying that or doing something different. Like you now know what didn't work or what not to do. Um,

If it's anything even in relationships, it's being a better picker, having so much more awareness and alertness. So you really do want to seek out finding what messages are hidden. It's like being a little detective in those situations. But I think the point I really want to make is that there should be a distinguishing factor between something I did that didn't work out but I've learned from versus something that I did that didn't work out and now I'm giving up and not doing it again. Yeah.

Or just keep doing it over and over again. I think it's so cool you mentioned relationship because I think that being in my relationship with Gabe has helped me apply so many more things we've even talked about to our life or to my life because when Gabe and I don't get in arguments or disagreements, I view them as...

Such an opportunity for growth for both of us to learn about each other more to learn what we love and don't love and like what makes us feel good and what makes us feel bad and moving forward like we're always so much more aware of how to treat each other and I noticed that like I could view my life the same exact way like I could view my mishaps or my bad days or my bad situations as

something good and such an opportunity for growth, which we exactly just went over. But comparing it to something like that is just so cool because I would never see something bad happen or an argument in my relationship. I would never look at that as something horrible that makes me mad or angry or like unhopeful.

But in my life when it happens, a lot of the times when I'm not shifting my mindset where I should be, I just view it as something that's like, oh, this sucks so bad. You know, this is going to keep me in a plateau or move me backwards. But it's really the opposite. Yeah.

Yeah, and I think what is good to piggyback again on something you're speaking about is that we can have a healthy mindset in particular areas of our life. It doesn't mean that it's going to translate into everything, but something which I'll be getting to is mindfulness. The awareness of, you know what, I'm able to do this here, so let me just tap back into that. Or like, why can I do it here? Taking a step back to deconstruct.

what is it that makes it a little bit easier to do with Gabe versus doing it in your own life? So, I mean, so that mindfulness is just your ability to be present, staying focused on the goal of wanting a better mindset.

So when we talk about the practice of doing it, if there aren't any areas in your life that you're practicing it, it's going to be a lot harder to find ways to have a healthier mindset in situations, especially when things go wrong.

It is so easy. Well, maybe not for everybody, but I should say it like this. It's easier in life to have a great mindset when things go well. When you're in a great space, when things work out, that's a lot easier. Again, not easy for anybody, but easier than when we are faced with adversity, challenge, loss, hardship. That is when we are really expected to tap into our character integrity that we have been working on. That's the most difficult.

Difficult, but it's the most powerful too at that point. And the most rewarding. So in regards to just redefining what mistakes and fails are and how they're needed can really help kind of give you a little bit of a boost in this process on working daily on our mindset. And I think that shifts. Yes, you could look at it in just...

Yeah, okay, so now I've redirected how I feel about mistakes. I think that covers so much more of our lives than we realize because of how much pressure we put on ourselves to constantly look a certain way, be a certain way, achieve certain things. Like, when we can recognize and apply this, everything that you're saying right now, to just our life overall and the pressure that we put on ourselves, it just, it makes things so much lighter. And it's just, it's easy, but...

It's also very difficult, but it's easy. Like if you look at it from afar, yeah, just recognize that I'm going to fail. I'm going to mess up. I'm not going to be perfect. And that's a beautiful thing. That's how it's supposed to be. You know? I could be saying this wrong, so if I'm messing up the title of it, I apologize to the author. But one of my favorite kid books-- it's not even really for kids. When I work with people who struggle with perfectionistic thinking, I actually bring this book. It's called A Beautiful Oops, I think.

Sounds adorable. I want to read it. It's basically all about accepting things that go wrong. So let's say the paper tore. And it'll say, a paper that's torn isn't necessarily trash now. We can turn it into this. Oh, I love that. And then the next page, it shows you all the things to do. A paper that got spilled on, like let's say it was a newspaper, and now you can turn it into this. Or when you're writing a note and then you mess up and then you scribble, it says that you don't have to, again, like throw away the whole thing. You can turn that into the grass, a flower, and then every three spaces. Oh, I love that.

Oh, I love that. Make grass and flowers. So, like, those could even be looked at as, like, little mistakis that we make and how we've turned it around so that everything is not now just, like, gone, thrown away, and you're not attending to it. I think something that will lead us into the next piece is...

What you're speaking of, and they may have heard it when we talked about ants, is perfectionistic thinking. Thinking things have to look a certain way and be a certain way in order for you to feel okay. So for those of you who don't know what ants are, I highly suggest going back to the podcast that Lexi and I did related to

automatic negative thoughts I believe it was the first one that we recorded together in the description I'll link the exact episode but that was a great one that we did it covered a lot of I think the first ever messages you shared with me that impacted what I even talked about on the podcast and that really did shift the whole direction of my life and the answer so valuable so please after you listen to this episode or even pause this now and go listen to that one and then come back I

I think you'll really, really love that episode. Great idea because moving forward, it'll make a lot more sense. And I certainly don't expect everyone to just understand exactly what the ants are and how to crush them, so to speak. Oh, I still don't. There's seven of them, right? There's total 30 like in this world. That's crazy.

Dr. Amen, who I will give credit, took the acronym ANTS to make it just so much more understandable. And he basically like teaches like the top 10 that contribute to sadness, anger, anxiety. So I stole that and was like, let me do seven. And I incorporated those. But so there's seven that you and I talk about in that.

And those seven are really the ones that are a little bit, again, easier, not easy, but to reframe and to shift from so that you can start to live just a more balanced life and a little bit more of a lighter life. And even with the seven, though, I still don't remember them all. Like, I have bits and pieces from each of them, but...

Don't put the pressure on yourself, of course, to remember every single thing and apply it all because it takes so much time and it takes the rest of our lives to just keep figuring things out and working on them. It's a constant effort in the best possible way. Right. So just to have a little bit of knowledge about it and be aware, there are these things that are called ANTs, these automatic negative thoughts that our brain automatically will think negative about.

If you don't remember exactly what they are, just knowing that exists, you're still required to undo that negative and find either more neutral or empowering or positive ways to view that situation. Because again, it does exist. You just have to put that effort into looking for it. Beautiful. Okay. So now that we're aware of redefining language, we're also aware of our own automatic negative thoughts that we will have to undo.

I think the next piece is talking about negative in the sense of lightness and darkness. And it's being aware that wherever there is darkness, there is light. And wherever there is light, there's darkness. So even if somebody currently was just like, you know what, let me think about situations and see what's the good in it, what's the bad in it. You're allowing your brain to be aware of like the pros and the cons.

A healthy mindset is an actual desire and need and want to find the light, to find that positive part of it.

So if nothing else, and just these three things were discussed as some of the starter points in how to establish a much healthier mindset, which again, I want to emphasize healthier means you will see bad times, struggles, challenges as opportunities.

opportunities either to get better to something I call level up meaning like you're now being prepared that if you can work on these skills there are so many amazing things that are gonna come your way but it's like you gotta satisfy this first you can't do multiplication if you don't know addition it could never really be taught in a way that could be so simple

So these few pieces just related to darkness and light and positives and redefining words that are lighter for you are some of the best first few steps. Yeah. And I think don't be afraid to start small too. For so long...

I think when I was first entering this journey of recognizing that I could change my mindset and I could just make myself feel happier and I had the power to do so, I would think that I needed to do such big things and make big changes overnight. And...

That's impossible. You know, we can't do that as humans. And I would see the little small things as something silly or stupid or cliche or like, what's that going to do for me? And it wasn't until I actually took the step and did them, made the baby changes, that I eventually changed my whole life. And I think that people just get very discouraged because it seems like something so small that won't make any difference.

But as someone who's been through it, a lot of us have, just open your mind to recognize that you have to start small. You have to just plant the seed and then the sprouts will keep sprouting. And you slowly add more of these things into your

your life and yeah it's that there's a chemical reason that actually happens without getting so scientific I mean there are chemicals re-release when we feel rewarded the thing is is that if we set things so big it may take us so long to get to that reward that you're missing opportunities to get those little reward chemicals and I'm not sure if you've seen it I I feel like

I've definitely used this with clients, but the way, since we can't show them, I'm going to try to describe another metaphor or way to think about this. If you have two ladders that are right next to each other,

and you have one ladder that let's say has three or four rungs. That's it. So they're going to be spaced out very far apart. And then you have the ladder right next to it that may have a hundred rungs, but they're so much more manageable and to get to the part that the other ladder is that has its first rung, you will have already achieved 10 or 15 little pieces.

Those chemical rewards in your brain help you continue to want to do that. And we, I think maybe from like times from a long time ago, um, were taught from our ancestors that, you know, you got to shoot for the stars. You got to think big. Um,

So what I'd like to say is I'm not about changing anybody's standards, but I would certainly say you have to change your expectations. They have to be more realistic. And our brain has different muscles. We are not born with all of the muscles in our brain so strong. In fact, the muscles that are strongest in our brain are the ones for us, our protection. They're to see the negative, to remember the negative, to see bad,

So that we can be protected, but we don't need that type of protection anymore. Like back in like hundreds and hundreds of years ago. So if we start to strengthen parts of the muscles in the brain that are related to positivity, opportunities,

setting our goals in a more realistic way, then it won't feel so challenging. Mm-hmm. We'll slowly grow those muscles. It's like going to the gym every week. Exactly. You can't go in there and be like, yeah, I'm going to, you know, my goal is 50 pounds and I'm going to do 50. Mm-hmm.

you have to slowly start maybe with fives and tens for a bit to get some of your, your, you know, those muscles a little bit even more acclimated, not everybody's muscles immediately respond. So that's a, that's another great metaphor to look at it from that way. And so when we talk even about mindfulness, that word, if people understood that anything related to the mindfulness practice was

is strengthening that positive muscle in your brain. That's why it's needed. Even if someone's like, oh, I'm trying to do a meditation. That's considered mindfulness, right? But a meditation, sometimes people put so many minutes on that and it's so hard, especially when you're not someone who does it on a regular basis. I've been someone who has tried many times. I still have such a struggle with meditating because, well, I blame it on my ADHD brain, but I have found that I...

can meditate deeper when it's not your normal visual of meditating. Like I can't come to a seated position and have my spine straight and meditate for 10 minutes, but I can, like I think you'll probably mention this soon, is in the shower, I meditate on the fact that, okay, the water droplets on me that are falling off, it's the negative things leaving me, or if I'm in the ocean and I come out of the water, I just envision that I'm leaving all of my bad there. Like I do mindfulness practices and meditation practices regularly.

in uncommon ways like that. Absolutely. So there is no real right way. The idea is that you're allowing your brain to be so focused on having that positive experience about it and just being like, sorry guys, my camera just started having a mind of its own. I'm going to pause you guys real quick. We'll be right back.

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Okay, we're back. And then after we fixed the camera, we got sidetracked talking about who knows what for probably who knows how long. We could talk for hours. But we are back. Camera's off now and situated. So we were on mindfulness. Yes, and you were giving a great example, actually, of like...

You know, when you're in the shower, that's a wonderful opportunity to just be able to really just appreciate all the sensory aspects. It's like your mind's not thinking about anything else. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy to not think about anything else. It is an absolute purposeful practice of feeling the water, smelling the smells of the different shampoos or soaps that you have in there, feeling the bottom of the floor of the shower on your feet. Mm-hmm.

It could still just be a four minute shower. I mean, I don't know who takes only four minutes, but that's still definitely not me. I'm a bath girl. Um, but just to say four minutes is good enough. If you want, if somebody wanted to say, but I want to do the sitting down and close my eyes. So do it for 20 seconds. Why does show me research that says that 20 seconds is still not going to benefit you. If we have to start small with 10 second increments,

five second increments to just not let your brain think about something else. That's all we're talking about is getting that muscle a little bit stronger. - And I think too, with where we're at in our society with the tension spans that lack, I'm at a point where if I'm on TikTok and I'm watching a video that's a longer video, I'll watch it in two times speed because you can do that now.

And I'll have to really put my phone down for a second and recognize that I just could not... I wanted the video to be done with so fast, but I wanted to take in the information that I had to watch it in a speed mode. Just to keep my attention focused. Otherwise, I would have scrolled. So that's when I give myself more credit for being able to be in the shower for four minutes and making it a fully mindful shower where I'm not letting my mind go elsewhere because...

I think we live in a time where being able to focus for four minutes is a win. Absolutely. We have so many things that give us instant gratification and multitasking. And sometimes we get like honored or rewarded on how many different things we're able to do. Like that's some...

huge successful feat but what it's doing is it's also pulling our attention away from the ability to just focus on one thing. So when we do those exercises whether it's in the shower, if you're taking a walk, try just five minutes not putting your AirPods on just really appreciating the feeling of whatever weather you're experiencing on your skin

The, um, the just looking at whether it's signs, whether it's nature, but just being so present. That's really what that mindfulness is. Is that present? So that when you do need your brain to stop thinking about the thing you don't like,

and you're wanting to get out of that, you will have a little bit of an easier time if you have been doing those practices as opposed to not doing them at all and then thinking like you're going to tell your brain stop thinking about X, Y, and Z. So now I'm going to stop thinking about X, Y, and Z. Yeah, it's not going to work. No, no. And in fact...

our brain actually doesn't stop ever thinking about something or wanting to do something. It will have to be replaced. So anything you're asking your brain to stop doing, try to find some alternatives.

To replace it with. If we're talking about alcohol, it's replacing really delicious other kinds of drinks. Whether they're healthy, whether they're just mock. But something that you can do instead. Yeah. If you're thinking of something that's making you feel so anxious, we want to bring in the opposite. And thinking of things that make you feel satisfied, resourceful, capable. So...

It's like a brain trick. If I ask you to think of purple, or if I ask you not to think of purple, that's all your brain's going to think of. But if you think of pink and green and yellow and orange and white and blue, that's the only way that it's not going to hyper-focus on purple. I love that one. I really do love that one because I think a lot of times when I am trying to apply that, I forget to apply that, and I just try to turn something off instead of replace it. Yes.

it tends to be a million more times difficult to turn off. Because it's really an impossibility. Because I'm thinking about it even more and more at that point.

but I like that a lot. So if there's something, some sort of symbolism even that you can think of that just helps you remember replacement, that you will have an easier time accessing that when you need it. I love that one so much. And you know, I just want to say like if there are other things that they want to know more of, like for example, what are other ways someone can be mindful? When I go to massages, something I constantly think about is somebody is releasing the tension. I imagined a

a particular color of this chemical and I imagine that it's like moving throughout my body the whole time because it's so easy when you're in a massage to have your mind go in a million places and the first massage I ever got is before like I didn't I thought it was going to be great and peaceful and relaxing and I didn't go in knowing that it was going to be the opposite for me

And the whole time, I couldn't wait for it to be over because all I was thinking about was being anywhere but at the massage. And then the second one I did, I did exactly that. I was like, this is a beautiful thing for me. I'm actually...

Someone is fit. It's it's easy because someone is physically moving parts of my body. I'm doing nothing I can truly lock in and visualize yes negativity leaving yeah and releasing from me and I can feel lighter and looser and it's beautiful and and I will throw in because again remember our brain knows words it hears words that make it feel stressed and it hears words that make it feel peaceful or joy and

So I'm always saying I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to do this, that I set aside time to allow this to happen.

um going to the dentist not necessarily people's favorite thing to do but just again like oh this is wonderful like calcium deposits coming off my teeth and the plaque and it's just like and making sure that you know the healthiness is there it's just really being mindful and present and not allowing your brain to start thinking about like well what do I have to finish up doing today what am I supposed to do um when I get home later and it is a hard hard hard hard thing to do

I think, especially depending person to person, some people it's harder than other people, but I think that starting with the little things like the shower or jumping in the ocean or getting a massage, whatever it may be that you can first apply this mindfulness practice to, do it a few times, a few days in a row. You'll notice that without even realizing it, you're already conditioning your brain to be more mindful about every moment in your life. And then it just keeps growing and growing and growing the same way that applying these

A few of these things to your life is going to slowly blossom into something more. If you start with the little things in your life, be mindful about them, eventually you'll get to a point that you are a lot more mindful about every aspect of your life. And to benefit that, it's longer lasting. When you do things in a slower method, they will last a lot longer. Nothing's like perfect.

permanent forever because if you stop at some point then the other part of the brain that's responsible for that protection and negatives get stronger again. What you feed grows. What you starve dies.

I like that a lot. I'm like, I need my own notes out right now. I'm going to have to listen back to this and listen as a listener instead of in it. And I'm going to have a lot of notes. I know that for sure. Well, I also just wanted to say one piece as well. When I get a lot of times people saying this is so hard and I want to honor that truth. It is very hard when we are completely changing the way that our brain has been wired or habits that we were stuck in.

But even this is an important replacement that we need. It's hard but not impossible. So when you find yourself coming automatically with something that's going to defeat you or put a resistance in place, then we want to give ourselves a little bit more of a replacement on like it's still doable. I just have to dedicate more time. Somebody who's in college or school and has so many tests and they say, oh my God, I have like four tests this week.

I have four tests this week, but thankfully I know how to manage my time. Or I have four tests this week and three of them are really more of a priority. So one of them I could fade back. So just be so careful in how we phrase things and word things to our friends, to our family, and of course to ourself. Well, this is the big, one of the, I feel like I've said this about three separate things

in this episode alone, but this really is one that I still work on every single day. But a huge one that we've had to go over probably in every session is that I need to shift the way that I talk about myself. Like I'm always like, no, I'm so irresponsible. I'm so much of a jumbled brain. Like I always have brain farts. I can't, whatever it may be in that specific week, you're like, Lexi, I'm like, stop talking bad about yourself. And I'm like, wait, you're right.

Because it's one thing I always preach to. You have to be your own best friend. And it actually does make a world of a difference when you are kind to yourself. Like even before we did this episode, I went into it differently than I have the other ones. I didn't go into it with the fear and the stress that I wasn't going to be able to speak or we weren't going to know how to train. I don't know. Just negatively. I was like, oh my God, I'm so excited. I know every single time we've had great conversations.

whatever it is we get out is going to be valuable. It's going to reach someone. And I didn't just put...

immediate negative thoughts towards it. And I don't know, I even feel right now that I have less of that brain fart or jungle mind that I usually do because of the way I went into it. I shifted my mindset, which I guess ties very perfectly into all of this. Yes, and I'm going to say a word that really defines what you're talking about. They're habits. When we get in better habits, not so much of just our habits like our everyday life,

But when we are forced to deal with, again, anxiety, adversity, loss, change, challenges, anything like that. But if we get in the habit of knowing that

that there is another way of looking at it, that there has to be a positive attribute or something that you have maybe, right, we've done this before. Me too. I will do these and still feel that nervousness, but my self-talk before I get to you is still related to there's been such positive feedback, my message out there is better than whatever I look like or however sometimes I stutter, if I couldn't think of a word.

that helping anybody, even if it's a couple people, is still better than not doing this at all. So just knowing that there has to be some sort of positive that you pull from the past or that you currently can find current or that it will lead to in your future is really one of the best replacement strategies of something that you're saying negative. I love that one. I love all of these.

Um, you know, so hopefully so far, you know, you guys are really getting a better idea that it's not just like one thing, that there's a few things that have to really be in place. And, you know, we've talked about that visual, right?

And there's, again, a fancy word called a mental rehearsal. A lot of times in our field, mental rehearsals is when you visualize yourself doing something successfully, where you allow your brain to believe it's actually practicing. There was some study, this...

this is a really cool one and i'm going to make it so so quick but a study of like with basketball players that some had a ball some had no ball at all um it was just more of like a imitation of it of trying to shoot baskets and then there was like a group that had nothing at all well the group that had nothing nothing of course did not do as well when it was time to really shoot your shots yeah the group that had the real basketball shooting the shots

did only a tiny bit better than the ones who had no ball and net, but just imagining and imagining the visuals. Your brain does not know the difference, what's real and what's not. So it can work against you or for you. If you rehearse negatives and negatives, not only are you releasing these chemicals, you're making it believe it's going through that over and over. I feel like you just changed my life. I'm getting chills. You always do, but that is such a powerful...

Yes. I really loved that so much. It's not talked about as much as it should be when we're working through the actual challenges. So I like to help people visualize it not going well.

But what are you going to do when it doesn't? If it doesn't, what would it look like? What's your go-to? What's your strategy? So what you're doing is you're letting your brain believe you've already had that experience. You've already figured out even if something does go wrong, like how you come back from it or what happens next. It's really... Yes. It's something I think I underestimate is the power of that because I have also noticed in my life that when I...

Let myself think about the negative constantly and I'm like no what if this happens or what if I do this wrong or this goes bad Sometimes it does and I think that every single time almost I've gone into something with the opposite mindset It's been the opposite. It's gone great Like we do have so much more power than we give ourselves credit for exactly. So that's what's usually noticed or

okay, so what? So if, what if that does happen? Like I said to you, but what if I stutter and I can't think of the word that, that I need to say? And you're like, okay, so you don't. And that's what art, like, so you're being real. You're being transparent. That's where this whole foundation was built. And you guys all know that if you're listening, that's what we do here. We mess up our words. We, we,

Can't finish thoughts sometimes, but that's just human. Yes. And it's okay. And it literally doesn't matter. And my favorite ever TED Talk is Power of Vulnerability. I can't speak. Vulnerability. Vulnerability by Renee Brown. And that's one of the first things I watched forever ago. But it just has made me realize we are supposed to talk about our struggles and our fears. And it makes things so much easier when we do because...

It's pointless that we let them consume us so, so, so much. She's one of my most favorite authors and people that I used to watch like on Soulful Sunday. There were so many things that she used to be on TV about. And the book that she has that I think every female should definitely read, The Gifts of Imperfection. Are you the one that told her to read that? Probably. Probably because it's my favorite book. My mom's friend also told me and I started it, of course, yesterday.

You know, it's me. I didn't finish it yet. You can read chapters though. You don't need to read it in order either. You can just open any part of it because what she's basically teaching you is what we're talking about. It's embracing the shit that goes wrong. It's allowing yourself to be human and, and recognizing that when you do embrace them and you allow yourself to have those life is lighter. And I think it makes relationships stronger. I think it makes

your career stronger. I really do just think it is one of the most valuable things that we can remember. You become easier to be around. You're more relatable when we're breaking perfectionistic thinking by embracing our limitations and our flaws. And again, the whole thing about the gifts of imperfections is she teaches you truly how to really highlight like,

For example, both of us have, we've talked about like some, our ADD brain. I mean, and there are some really phenomenal things that it does for us too. So finding the gifts in that as opposed to always saying like, oh, because of my ADD, this is why I can't do this. Or you could look at it like because of my ADD,

I'm really starting to lose the brain cells right now. But because of it, I can do this. And I talked about that a couple episodes ago. I did an episode on asking yourself questions to really get to know yourself better because I think that we're so unencouraged. Like, we're just not encouraged to actually know who we are anymore. We're kind of like, yeah, pick a job you like. But we're never really encouraged to figure out what are our core values. Like, what...

at our center is going to always bring us joy without fail. Like, what do we want to attract in our life? Like, what are our strengths and what are our weaknesses? Because I think that when we can actually figure out what our weaknesses are and we think about them for once instead of running from them, we can find...

career paths or futures that work with those weaknesses instead of against them. Like, and then I explained exactly that. Like my ADHD is the reason that I think I've been successful in this career path. And like, we have this podcast and we have this community because if my brain wasn't all over the place, I don't think I'd be here for sure. So yeah.

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Definitely. And you know, another word, another word that to me, I think is important to point out, which is what you're speaking of. It's alignment. When we align ourselves with who we are, with the people around us that are having similar interests or similar desires, the alignment of choosing career paths that are based on our needs. I could not sit behind. I mean, in the beginning stages of getting jobs, sure, you have to do the grunt work and you've got to start somewhere.

But at the end of the day, having me sit in one room for hours and hours or seeing the same people or doing the same thing, that's just not aligned with how my brain operates. So my brain functions best based on the way I've designed the work that I do. And when we are aligning ourselves with who we really are and what resonates, it's...

Again, life becomes so much more manageable. It's lighter. There's more peace. And that mindset, your shifting ability, is almost just part of... It's a default. It just becomes so much more natural. It's so cool. Humans are so cool. What we can do. Yes. And you know, I think for anyone listening...

I would love to just make sure to really emphasize that it doesn't mean that somebody just gets lucky and it starts that way in life. We all have to have, again, our mistakes and fails. We have to know what doesn't work for us. Yeah. We have to go through and be around people, whether they're dating, whether they're friendships, on which things don't really resonate with us and make us feel so good. And then you learn, too.

what you don't want in your next relationship or your next friendship. And those tend to be the most valuable ones. And I think for a while I would look back on failed friendships or friendships that fell apart and be like, oh, well that sucks. I don't have that person in my life anymore. But...

They really are the ones to be the most grateful for and to value the most because it brings us in the right direction to the right people that are going to be our forever people. So I think especially at this age, I'm 23. I have so much life ahead of me. And we keep figuring it out until the day we're in the grave. But even high school, like let's talk, I don't know.

Really, like, 10 years old to 25 years old, I think, is a very important time in our life where so much of that happens. There are so many friendships that go south, so many failed talking stages or relationships or experiences with people that are going to feel like they're failures or like they're not supposed to be happening because you see older people who don't have that going on. You know what I mean? Like, I used to always look up to adults and be like, well, how come...

That boy's not treating them bad, but I'm being treated so horribly by this kid in middle school, you know?

Or even the people that are your same age. I mean, I have clients that are your age that see their friends having these wonderful things or doing all that, but it's not them. And it's that comparison situation that gets in the way. The thief of joy. Yes. Always. And we've all experienced it. We've all been there. I used to look at relationships and one, I was always like, ew, that couldn't be me. But also like, wow, that's beautiful. I don't think I'll ever find love. How did they get to find it? But...

It comes when it's meant to come and everything comes as it's supposed to, the way that it's supposed to, and you're supposed to have relationships that fail and friendships that fail because it's good. And it's great, actually. How we make meaning of the way that we date and the way that we make friends is also very relevant. So, you know, it goes back to...

understanding it from this perspective. Again, this is just my way of teaching it. But I believe that when you're dating, and you don't have to necessarily physically be with so many people, but the more people that you date and the more friendships that you have, they just teach you about you. Your job is to pay attention to you

what things feel good in this? What things are your negotiables and what are your non-negotiables? We can look at it as in any relationship, friendships or intimacy, what are your wants and what are your needs? And the reason why we look at it from those angles is because if you learn more

about you and it's not so it's not about oh this person didn't like me or they left me or they abandoned or rejected what are you learning from that experience yeah and how will what you learned help you be better or experience something different and better for you in the next one

Yeah. And I think it's also, so I was just reading The Eight Rules of Love by Jay Shetty. I've told you guys, I think, about this part of the book, but it talks about exactly that, how it's up to us kind of to actually evaluate those relationships or friendships that kind of go wrong.

wrong or just out. Yes. And make sure you take away what you're supposed to take away from it. Or because of this karmic circle, you will keep the universe or God, whoever, whatever you want to believe in is going to keep teaching you. So it's really up to you to evaluate those, find the meaning, find the good, find the lesson. And then if you do that, it definitely moves you in the right direction and for the right reasons. Otherwise you'll just learn it again.

Exactly. It keeps you from getting stuck when you focus on within yourself. And just self, I guess, would be the greatest way to emphasize that. Yeah. You know, to actually parlay that into another tool and strategy that we've all talked about is, and again, this could be a trigger word for some people, but it's just the word journaling. I like to say tracking. Tracking sometimes might make it a little bit more...

of a desirable task. And there's nothing wrong at all with journaling and journaling negative feelings you're experiencing because it is important to get that out to release that. But I think what's an important part in this tool and strategy is the awareness of tracking the positives.

So we often hear track your gratitude or track things that you feel accomplished with. And if you haven't heard those, please write those down as two specific, specific things that help us with our self-worth and self-esteem and our skills is tracking the positive things that we've done that we feel proud of.

Or that we're really grateful to have. But what I think is missing a lot of times is the why when we're talking about gratitude or when you're able to appreciate something. The why behind what it is is what matters the most. So if I were to say, I'm so grateful for my pet.

Why? Because that means I don't ever feel alone when I'm sad or they make me balance my time and not always staying out and making sure I do come back or response, whatever it is. That why that you write is going to last so much longer than just the random statement that you wrote for what you're grateful for. Mm hmm.

So that is something that I just wanted to allow your listeners to understand that we're all like journaling and writing. Yeah. But be very purposeful and mindful with what it is that you're writing about. And don't leave the positives just in there like it's in the book. Mm-hmm.

go back and reread those. Sometimes you're like, you know what I miss doing that I want to do this thing again I wrote about. Or look at how many things I did accomplish. I forgot about all those things. Well, this is exactly one of the reasons I have always been such a strong advocate for journaling. Whether like your life is busy and you have too much going on and you don't feel like you have the time. I think it is so important to create the time. Even if what you're writing feels silly and kind of worthless,

one thing that I love, love, love about my old journals from every year is to go back and to reflect on them and recognize like different things I was going through at different chapters of my life. And like you just said, finding things I'm like, oh wow, I felt really good at this point in my life. Like what was I up to? And you can...

literally have like a textbook on what was good for you and what wasn't if you're journaling consistently. And that doesn't have to mean every single day grabbing out 30 minutes to write down every detail, but making the time when you feel you can or you should to just write and see what you write and what comes to mind and open your mind to just dump. It

It's so good for us. Well, it's such self-discovery. But here's what I think is so valuable to learn. If you knew 100%, which it's true, I just can't give you the exact science and the research number with it. But if you knew that what we leave in our head gets convoluted and turns into basically darkness, it turns into stress and anger or anxiety. But our brain has a part of like a lobe that when we put things in writing, the

The way that we receive that information, it sounds different, it looks different, but it's the same thing. Yeah. So if we now know 100% things cannot be managed just in your head, that the way that our brain looks at it just on paper is so vastly different, why would we not then do something? Again, it could be two minutes. Yeah. It does not have to be... It could be in bullet form. It doesn't even have to be...

full written sentences because it's really just about being able to see it out of your head and making meaning or making your decisions based on what your eyes are seeing, not what you're like, your brain is trying to think. I don't know if I'm going to word this right, but you just explaining that made me think of it in a way of like when we're learning a topic in school or in a class, we have to take notes. We have to study it. We have to like take a quiz in order to actually learn the information. And I think that it's,

equally as important to do that when it comes to learning about ourselves. You know? Yes. Like, I just never compared the two. But yeah, when I need to learn about a subject, I have to take notes. I have to reread the information. And if we're not doing that when it comes to evaluating our life or ourselves or figuring out who we are,

we're not going to. You know, we're not going to learn. Maybe a little bit here and there. We'll pick up on pieces. But to truly get to know ourselves, yeah, you have to. It's like you're half-assing it in a sense. Yeah. Kind of like if you just went to school and never really took notes and never really brought your book, you're like, you're going to get something, but you're not going to really get the main thing that you need. And then that can't really lead you to long-term success. Mm-hmm.

It's the same. So if you put value. It's like setting yourself up for a happier future, I think. I love it. That's exactly what you are doing. But it's knowing that it's not just like a belief in it. There is science that backs that up. Yeah. So our brain operates better. Now, if you're a savant, then this doesn't apply to you.

But the savant in this world, a savant is someone who has such extraordinary, amazing capabilities that are beyond the brain's comprehension. Like if I had a deck of cards here and I just spilled a bunch of deck of cards, like somebody who's a savant almost can tell you exactly which, how many cards, if they weren't the full deck, like how many queens are already on the floor, how many kings. There's like a movie from a long time ago to give just the best example from someone on the spectrum.

Rain Man. Dustin Hoffman plays in it as someone who struggles with autism. But he has an extraordinary capability outside of just regular autism to count cards. That's so cool. Like someone dropped toothpicks and he knew exactly immediately. He like scans, scans, and then he immediately knew. And that's a savant. So those are people who are...

Off the charts. Off the charts. Yes. Okay. Anybody else with a human brain really needs to understand that it should be done in a visual way and not just left in the floating compartments of your brain. Well, I noticed that when I am in a dark place, and we go over this every week, you guys know this drill about me, and most of us, according to feedback, are like this. When we're in the darkest of places is when we're the least likely to remember all of these things and apply all of them. Right.

What would you say to someone who's like, I've heard all this, but I'm in such a rut right now that I don't even have the motivation to take any of these steps. Like, how do you think that you would encourage someone to do that, if that makes sense? Yes. Well, so I guess what I would say is as much as somebody thinks they have nothing, and

and that they haven't done anything, I would try to tap into and maybe listen to what part of their life, at what part was it going well? Or what was in place at that point? Because we all have some strengths in us. Sometimes they get buried. So my goal would be to try to help them kind of uncover some of those things. Because I think when someone feels that dark,

that's scary I do think it's important to recognize getting professional help or some help from someone else to maybe see even if it's a best friend to see something that they don't but I think what a great way is start now it's okay that you haven't and that you don't you didn't even have anything ever before if that's what you feel mm-hmm but start now and what starting now means is just saying you know what these three practices I'm gonna start putting into place and

and if it means that from now on I'm gonna I'm gonna go out and buy the cutest little journal I'm gonna put this and I'm gonna keep this and that's gonna be the one thing that I'm gonna do just to track some of the things fun don't put the pressure on it like that's one thing I love is like my journal she's cute I always love to have it out I always like every year I get a new one and I pick the cutest one like let it be a fun little activity or hobby because I think that when we do put that pressure it gets scarier and we're more intimidated by it but

it's fun you know right and so like I use the word like self-love what are some things right now that you can do and bring in that would be self-love in addition to some of these tools having like whether it's an envelope whether it's a box

blocks of things that you put in there that is a go-to of like when I'm at my worst this is what I'm going to go and do and in there they might be little notes like do your walk or and maybe you close your eyes and you pick from whatever these things that are are in there but the word I want to say is like it's being proactive when we are proactive and and putting things in our life

for when we will need it as opposed to only accessing it right away when you're needing it, which is more reactive. Proactive is going to get you what you want, where reactive you're probably going to have to apologize or realize you've got to undo something. So my message really would be is start now in putting things together, the slow steps. Like you may not achieve it at this moment today, but you'd say, you know what, even though I'm feeling like crap right now,

I'm proud that I'm at least putting some things together so that tomorrow it might be ready. It's the baby steps. It goes right back to small little steps. Yes, baby steps. I think overall that's been something that we keep coming back to. And it's so, you just got to start somewhere. Right. And, you know, actually another thing that you just said kind of made me think of, I mentioned earlier like who we surround ourselves with is really important too. I think there's a saying like the five people you are closest with is kind of who you really, yes, exactly.

But I think also from an environment perspective, based on where you are, where you go to work, where you're interacting, I would be very mindful about the space that you're in. If you're at home, are you just full of darkness? Are all the windows and blinds closed? Mm-hmm.

your room or there are things in your room that are enlightening and inspiring are there quotes that really resonate with you or there are things maybe that you've created that you're just proud of or is it kind of like a hospital that you're just going in your room and there's not really any personalization to it if you're at work is what can you do to personalize it how can you make your space your right and

I will give myself credit in that one area for sure that that is something with all of the different jobs that I've had and I've had multiple jobs at once. Like I don't think I've ever had just one job. It was a variety of things. So,

My car when I used to constantly go back and forth and back and forth and drive all over I would put glow-in-the-dark stickers on the roof of my car I have it and in my car currently what I still have are my little fidgets So I have like a little rock with like an angel inside that's so smooth that I have as a visual I have these little poppers that sometimes if I'm like losing my cool on the road pop pop pop. Yep No road rage just poppers. So and like I decorate my little

like where you move drive, neutral, automatic, they're just different colored hair bands, but it's not really even for the hair. They're just colors. I make my car something that resonates for me. I don't love driving, so if I have to go in my car, it's still fun. You want it to at least be something that's enjoyable. My desk in my office is full of not only fidgets everywhere and things that I love, but just images and pictures of just things that I couldn't be in my office and not be in a good mood. Yeah.

So our environment and what visually we see is so important. So that's something we can be the driver of and take some steps. How do I make the space that I'm in a lot of the time in my day? How do I make it more aligned with what I would love to feel and see? Definitely. Because I think, too, there's going to be so many things that

are going to happen out of our control. So we can do everything that we can that is in our control. As simple as that is, we might as well. It can't hurt. You know, like we were saying, I don't know if we were recording or when it was we were not recording, but...

it can't hurt at all. Right. So it might not make a world of a difference, but you tried it. You know, different things are going to work for different people. And now you'll know also, well, this doesn't work because I have tried these things. So now you can just move that over and try it. Exactly. That's the beauty of having so many little different tips that we can try to apply to our life because every single one of us is wired differently. Different things are going to work for different people. Like I could tell you a quote that changed my life and you'd be like,

Cool. And vice versa. Or like I could tell you a quote that I just randomly heard in a book and you're like, what in the world? That's the coolest thing. And you could think about it for the next month, you know? Yeah. So it's just also important to, to recognize that if you do feel defeated in the sense, well, I've tried all these things and nothing works for me. I think just

I want to encourage you to keep trying. Right. Always keep trying. You know, a funny story that comes to mind is there was this man that I was working with. He was a little bit older and he was a little lonely and just sad. But we got to talking and to like, you know, make a long story short, he just always had this fascination with like, you know, like Christmas time. And so what we figured out is like, well, why not incorporate

incorporate in your home that you come every day a room that's the Christmas room. Oh, that's so cute. And so he wound up resisting it for a bit and then when he finally just, I said, just humor me. Let's experiment. Let's just try it. Let's just try it and see if it works. If not, then we can move on and figure something else out. And it was just the coolest thing because he bought the spray that smelled like pine. The best ever. He had white lights actually everywhere. There were certain, like he had, I don't know what kind of mechanism, but like with music, but it was just like Christmas carols and... Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. And you know what? Like, somebody could certainly be judgy and say like, what a weirdo or what's going on. But if that's what works for him and him coming home...

or starting his day with that and that's what makes him feel wonderful, why not? Let's not get too into our head about how silly or stupid something may be maybe to somebody else. And let's also, exactly, let's not judge others. You know, I think that's a very, very, very important thing. Like, you telling me that story, I could even envision a younger version of me driving past some guy's house and seeing Christmas tree and like finding it to be so stupid or dumb because I don't know, I didn't have like a developed mind to recognize

anything like this but then

And just hearing that, you never know what someone's going through and what makes someone feel good. Like a lot of the times, even with my house stuff, as you know, as we sit in my house, and obviously all of you guys know, my house is a rainbow in here. Everything has to be full of color because it makes me feel alive and happy and joyful. And I'll get DMs probably at least once a day. Ew, your house is so ugly. You're so stupid. Just the craziest things about how...

My space is not what they like and I'm like well one good thing. You don't have to live here Yeah - you don't even understand the value that this has for me like how much this makes my life more joyful so

I don't really care about your opinion. Yeah. And just if anyone is saying anything about your decisions of things that make you happy that have nothing to do with them, just recognize that it has... It's not personal. Ever. Yeah, I face... I mean, I'll be very transparent. I face that on a regular basis because I'm almost 48, but I still love Hello Kitty. I love unicorns. I love rainbows. As you should. I have, like, in my personal...

like a little pouch for my pens and it's like a Reese's peanut butter cup like cutie little thing. Like I have learned...

Throughout my experiences in life and certainly through you know work that when we put other people's opinions as more important than our own or other people's thoughts as more important than what our like real joy and happiness comes from I mean we're living somebody else's life and you will never never have true authentic happiness because you're living other people's lives so starting to embrace

What you love and the why behind it. Embrace your quirks and the things that you've grown up thinking. The gifts of imperfections. There you go. Even the things that you've grown up thinking are weird. Like, people make you feel that they're weird. Just...

Live it. It will change your life in, I think, more ways than we can recognize when we just allow ourselves to be ourselves unapologetically and just... And pray for them. Yeah. Like, for somebody who ever has anything harmful or negative to say or has those judgments, you know, I want to say the compassion for those people is they're obviously not happy. Happy people don't do those things. They don't really care about anyone else's life.

No, they're focused on within. Yeah. If you have enough contentment in your own life, I don't know, is that a word? Contentment? Yeah. Okay, well if you have enough of that. It is now anyway. We'll create it. It is now. If you have enough of that in your own life, and I noticed this within myself, and I'm sure many of us do,

The only time I've ever felt called to judge someone or have an opinion about someone is when I haven't been fulfilled enough by my own life. And anytime I am, that's the last thing I care about is what someone else is doing, what they're wearing, what perfume they like. Like what if they're wearing two different shoes, I wouldn't even notice. I wouldn't pay attention to it. It's only when...

I'm so worried about my own shit that I pay attention to other people's. Yeah, that's called projection. Exactly. And just know that, everybody, that when you receive things that sometimes aren't even, they're not even remotely true. You're just receiving the experiences of what's going on in that other person's brain. Which is why I say you pray for them because that is an awful space to be in. So they're just spilling out all of their, you know, that hate and that discontent.

On to you. And I think one thing that really helps me understand that is looking back on the versions of me that have been that person. Because I think it's kind of silly for anyone to say that they haven't been that person. I mean, props to you. Right. You've never faced anything like that. But when I really look back and evaluate myself at the times like that in my life, it gives me that sympathy for them or empathy, whichever the word is. Because like it takes away everything.

The idea that they're just saying something mean to me and it more shifts my mind into recognizing like, oh, I've felt like that before. Yeah. And if anything, I feel for you instead of just making it about me. Yeah. It goes back to the why. The understanding of it. You don't have to accept it and you don't have to agree with it. But when you do understand the motive or why that may be happening, you can navigate through it completely differently. And you can just move past it. Exactly. I think much easier. Exactly. Yeah.

Definitely. You know, and I think just with everything we've spoken about, I mean, those really are the core pieces. But, you know, I keep thinking back to that one question of like, what if somebody felt just really so dark, you know, and so lonely? Because I'm like, I don't want, I would never want someone to feel like that. Right. Because they're temporary. Our feelings only pretty much stay sometimes for about 20 minutes the most, even your happy ones. And then they might go to neutral or content, but our feelings constantly are changing.

But when we also can serve others, when we can be a volunteer or be helpful, sometimes that experience, not only because we're doing something kind and nice, but it also can ground us because what we're probably doing is volunteering for people or those that are less fortunate. Exactly. In the most beautiful, empowering way. And there's a quote that, of course, I don't remember at all.

But I have even noticed in my own personal life, serving others has pulled me out of some very dark places because of the light that giving

can bring you. Yes. And you don't really know until you give it a go. But helping, think about a time where your best friend was having like a horrible, miserable day, whatever it may be. If you were the one who's able to get through to her and make her day better and make her feel better, I'd say 99%, 100% of the time, I'll also feel better in that situation. Yeah.

if I got to help her feel better, you know? There's a chemical reason for that too. There's certain things that happen in our brain chemically related to joy and peace as opposed to the stress chemicals that are so like poured out in a cup. You'll get that from stress.

Anytime we're doing nice and kind things, we get like little tiny droplets of it. But so when you're left with, if I have nothing, but you are giving back or you're doing something kind, you're automatically getting filled with some of those chemicals. And you're often taking your mind off of the thing that's been stressing you. Like when I go walk the dogs at the shelter, I'm like,

I'm not thinking about what I have to do later or what I did yesterday or that thing I said that like I've been overthinking about. I'm just thinking about the fact that I'm having fun with a bunch of puppies, you know? Yes. And it's by the time I'm kind of done with it, a lot of the times I just end up forgetting the things that I was overthinking because they were just kind of taking up space in my brain that they didn't need to be. And I replaced them, I guess. Yes, that's exactly what's happening. Taking exactly what you said. I guess that...

That's what I'm doing. Yes, that's exactly. You know, and, you know, so with all of that being said...

The last piece is just consistency. It's something I kind of mentioned, like just because you do this, it doesn't mean that if you did it every day and then you stopped, like you've already mastered it. It's not, it doesn't work that way. So we just have to be aware of maybe more of a ratio. How much more often are you putting attention and an action into this versus saying,

saying and doing the opposite or nothing at all that's what I think is so important so that we can give ourselves a little break too that no it's not every day it's not every minute or it's not this hour's worth of time but I can say I'm proud I'm making a mindful effort on a daily basis to address some of these things and even just being aware of it is a win it's it's a really good first step yes 100 that is the first step actually the awareness of it yeah

Wow. I think we covered a lot more than like we even needed to. So much. Because, you know, you did such a phenomenal job of really weaving in such examples and different things that come up for people based on what tool and strategy can be used to help with that. Which is cool because we didn't even end up going through this list, which another time we definitely can get into. We clearly always have a million more things to cover.

we can talk about, but I do think we went over a lot of them within this, which is really cool. And I hope that this was able to give you guys something to start applying or you wrote something down. Maybe it was the one quote that changed your life like many of them have for me. I hope that you took away something good and you can apply some of these things and move forward in the best way that you can and just give yourself...

credit and peace and just know that you have the power you have more power than you recognize you do agreed agreed but i'm gonna do you have anything left to say let's well i'm open closing points so there's a little bit of feedback that i've gotten from some people asking for homework so yes i totally forgot about the homework guys do not end this yet we got good stuff coming and actually just a little funny um thing to say about that so when i work with young children the

The same thing about words, how words matter. Tell me anybody that really has a positive association when you say the word homework. So we change those words and I have like kids or families come up with new words when we say like instead of like, did you do your homework? You could either call it investing in your future time or anything like that. But in our regards, let's call this like a follow up of something you're doing based on what you've heard.

So I'm going to give you, just so that it's not like you don't have to feel completely overwhelmed, I'm going to give you three different tasks. Feel free to do one, two, or all three of them. I'm going to do all three, just so you guys know. The first one that I'll ask you to try is to find whether they're cognitive distortions or if you're willing to go back to the podcast and listen on ants.

Find one that you are stuck with, with like a self-sabotaging statement, an extreme statement, anything like that.

And what I want you to do is I want you to find three to five alternative ways to view that situation or to find a positive that can come from it. Something in that regards, feel free to ask for help. Maybe asking someone, how would I look at this in a different way? What's something that you can find? So that's one because what we're looking at is really addressing that negative thinking and the awareness of which negative thoughts work.

wind up sneaking in more. - I like the idea of having three to five other options too. Like give yourself options, you know? - Yes, and I'll tell you there's science behind that. You can't, with a ratio, if you wanna undo a negative, it's not one to one. You can't do one positive to one negative. You need three to five.

If it's really a very of a more of like a traumatic statement or something, you really would need five to ten. But we're just starting off of just getting three to five. But the more alternatives, the more reframes or ways to see it, the less likely that one will ever pop back up. I love that. So it's kind of like magic, but not really magic. The second option is when we were talking about mindfulness,

So sometimes just being aware of your breathing pattern, don't even know if you know that we have patterns in our breathing, but if you can just schedule two to three times in your day of just having about 30 seconds worth of a breathing pattern of four seconds in your nose and four seconds out, that breathing pattern is called our equalized breathing.

We don't realize, but we get off of that pattern when we're angry or when we're anxious. We have a tendency to hold our breath and stop breathing, which is why sometimes you'll see people take a big breath afterwards because they haven't gotten enough oxygen back into their brain. Which adds to your panic. It adds to so many things. Absolutely. I learned about breath work when I first started doing yoga back when I was 13. Game changer. I was applying it before I was taking a test for school before. Yes. I need to honestly get back to it, but.

It's the one thing we literally have built into ourself that we can use for pain, for sadness, for anxiety, for anger. There's other breathing patterns for higher states of frequency, meaning when you're in a panic and when you're anxious. That's four and eight. We can go into a whole breathing thing like at another point. But just being aware of your equalizer, neutral breathing, four and four,

is something that will already help that muscle, as we talked about for mindfulness, in your brain. So you do have to create the time. It can't just happen upon you.

And then the third one is kind of bouncing off of what we just talked about is doing random acts of kindness. If you can set the morning from knowing, like saying, today I'm going to do a minimum of three. You can just do three. They could be anything from giving a compliment. They do not have to be financially paying for someone's coffee. It could be something that you hold the door open for somebody. But doing those three...

First of all, if you did three a day, just think about that. Three kind things. And then at the end of the week, that's if I do my math, what, like 21? 21. And then if you look at it in your month, that's, I can't do math in my head, but like 21 times four weeks, that's what, like almost 80 something. I'm going to do three times 30 is 90. Right? I can't think right now at all. It's a lot of kind things.

kind things you're contributing and doing in this world and even if you had such a crap day or anything going on you can still say I at least did these things for people and it's probably going to make you feel better when you do those things yes because your joy and peace chemicals will start coming out and

And, you know, I say spiritual, anything we are doing, anything that's related to spiritual self-care, self-love and self-growth, you get the most boost of those chemicals coming out. And another thing, I was actually thinking about this the other day, is when you can recognize too, like you're like, yeah, maybe I complimented that person, but so what?

Think it's so important to think about the fact that that person might take that compliment now think about it feel in a better mood feel happier feel lighter and go give that compliment to someone else or do something kind for someone else in that cycle and

If we're lucky, it just keeps going and going and going and going. So you doing that, quote unquote, tiny little thing is making way bigger... It's making a wave, not just a ripple. You know, whatever that expression is. Absolutely. It's paying it forward. Yeah. You don't know what someone else is struggling with or what someone else needs. There's plenty...

of true stories, anecdotal stories out there that I can tell you one that I know, again, off the top of my head, that there was a kid that just always walked home from school and he pretty much was sad and always had negative thoughts in his mind and not wanting to live.

And then one day somebody just would always say hi to him. And he, just hi. And for that, in his valedictorian speech later in life that he wound up having in college, talked about how there was one day he was going to make a very bad choice that was unreversible. And someone said hi. But somebody said hi and gave him, like I think he may have said something like, if somebody says it today or somebody, that'll be a game changer.

And it did. And so that one thing changed the course of his life. And I don't know, who knows? He could be an innovator now or creating a medicine that saves us. Yeah. And you never know that you could be the person to do that for someone. But it's also such a beautiful reminder that you have a purpose, even if you don't know what it is yet, you haven't found it. Yes. Even just being a good person, a kind person, you are serving so many others and you are just...

You're here for a reason. In case you needed that reminder, you are supposed to be here. 110%. That's a beautiful way to really just kind of end that. I don't even want to say anything else. That's beautiful and that's really the truth. It is. And I'm so glad that you guys could tune in and listen. And you are now on the Instagrams. Yes, I am. So in the description, I'm so proud of her.

because when I tell you guys that she has the most incredible knowledge obviously now you know this you've listened for the past I guess hour and 17 minutes we're looking at and from every other episode she has so much to share and so much knowledge and one of the things that scares her the most is putting that out there which is why I'm making her dinner do it and I

I just, I'll put in the description her Instagram so you guys can follow along the journey. I'll put where you guys can find her at. And yeah, she's just one of the greatest people. So I'm very honored that we got to have this conversation with you guys and we got to record. And I love you. I'll talk to you next Monday. And we will definitely be back again soon because we should do this again. Yes. Every time. We're like, oh, we can talk about this and this and this. And it's just a never-ending cycle, which is awesome. But you want to say bye? Bye, guys. Thanks for being supportive.

We love you. Bye.