How to break the negative self-talk loop
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Hello, my beautiful people, and welcome back to the Moments Podcast. I'm your host, Lexi, and today we're going to be talking about how to break the negative self-talk loop. I'm really hoping that this episode can change your life a little bit because I'm looking for it to also change my own life a little bit. This episode is...

kind of personal, but I also want it to be beneficial. I want you to take something away from it. I want you to learn something from it. I want you to be able to put your phone down after you listen to this episode or you watch this video and want to feel better and want to love yourself and want to be a version of yourself that empowers you from the inside out.

To give you a little bit of backstory, I really believe for the last couple of months, I've been struggling a lot internally in the way that I talk to myself and the way that I view myself. And I say the last couple of months, but I really think that this has been something I have been building inside of myself for probably the last couple of years. Like in little tiny ways, I've been just biting at myself, hitting myself,

telling myself I'm undeserving or telling myself I'm not beautiful or jokingly saying something that's just not kind-hearted about myself to myself. We often don't realize like how much talking negatively about ourselves can affect us.

And we just kind of like let things go and we use self-deprecating humor and we make jokes. And like, for example, as somebody who creates content, it can kind of be a joke. They're like, oh, I'm unemployed or I don't do anything or whatever it may be.

I jokingly will go about saying that in my friendships and in my relationships. And like, you start to believe that in yourself, even though I know in my heart, how much I pour into what I do, how much I love what I do, how hard I've worked to get to the point to be able to do what I do. And this goes beyond just viewing your career. It goes beyond.

into the way that you view yourself, the way that you show up in your relationships. Just the more that we talk negatively about ourself, the more we begin to think negatively about ourselves. And that is eventually just the way that we completely perceive ourself. And we don't see the value in ourselves that we should. And

That's what I'm really working on fixing. So I've done some research on steps that I can personally take to make those changes, to view myself in a positive light, to believe in myself and be confident in myself at every level. And I want to share those pieces of advice with you because more of us struggle with this than we realize. And I think a lot of times it's very subconscious.

We don't really know that we're struggling with it until we get to a breaking point. Like anything, the more that we hold things in, the more that we store things and don't accept them and feel them and write them down and push them away and like move through them. There's always a breaking point. The cup always explodes and it always overflows. And the last thing that I want anybody to have to do is to get to a breaking point of negative self-talk where you have talked yourself into a hole that is so deep that it takes everything in you to step out of it.

Just get ahead of it. Get ahead of it while you can. I made a little outline for this week's episode. I really do love when I do this. I think it's very helpful and the plan is for me to do it more. Speaking of, side note right here, guys, I ordered new mics. They're coming in this week and from now on, the

The Moments Podcast is going to be unstoppable. We're going to be filming every episode. We're going to have high quality sound in every episode. We're going to be doing every two weeks episodes. That way I can serve you guys the good stuff, the value, and a little bit less mumbo jumbo in the middle.

If you want more mumbo jumbo, you can find me on all the other platforms. But when I serve you guys the moments podcast, I want it served to you on a silver golden platter with an appetizer, a meal, a dessert, and like maybe even a fourth or a fifth course. I don't want to just give you nonsense. So going back to my outline here, these are some things that happen to us when we are constantly and consistently using negative self-talk, um,

You might not be at any of these points yet, but you could potentially be on your way there if you keep jokingly being so unkind to yourself. Psychologically, our stress and our anxiety increases when we're constantly thinking negatively about ourselves and speaking negatively about ourselves. It opens the doors for depression. If you already struggle with it mildly, it can make it more severe. If you already struggle with it in a severe level, it's deprecating to your mental health.

It also gives us these kind of self-fulfilling prophecies where, like I was saying, the more you talk negatively about yourself, the more that you believe it. Like, genuinely, you believe that you are the worst person in the world

When you tell yourself that you are constantly, whether you think you're jokingly doing it or not, you start to believe these little tiny things that start as little tiny things. They become much bigger. And again, you just dig yourself a deeper and deeper and deeper hole that you don't need to be in.

cognitively, it distorts your reality to think of yourselves as the worst person in the world because that's not what is real. That is not what is true. You are not the worst person in the world. And you know, deep down, deep, deep, deep down that that is not true. You are light. You are love. You make people laugh. You have happy memories with people. You're not the worst person ever. You're not darkness. But the more that you tell yourself, the more that your brain will literally say,

Really guys I did this and I looked at articles. I was not doing no.com so I'm looking at dot edu and dot org when I was reading this information flashback to high school, but you will distort your own reality Living in a distorted reality is just exhausting because it's like you're waking up every day and having to create create this life and this mindset and this vision of yourself that's fake and

When your real life is right in front of you and you're choosing not to see it because you have thought so deeply in such a negative way that you've distorted what the reality even is. And this one, clearly I feel very passionate about it because this is one that I find myself really falling into. Like, I really do believe I'm living in a reality so far from what I'm actually living just because of how deep and twisted I've made my own thoughts. Sounds dark, but it's true.

Also cognitively this weakens our problem-solving talking about yourself so negatively makes you a lot less quick on your feet a lot less good at responding to things immediately our reflexes are off not always physically but just like thinking wise You're a lot less quick to think on your feet because you're overthinking everything that you say even doing this podcast is hard for me lately these days because as I'm talking I'm thinking about what I'm saying way too much and

And it makes it harder for me to get the next thought and to think about the next thing. And especially as a podcast host, that's like the last way that I want to be living. And this goes beyond if you have a podcast, this goes just day-to-day conversations, conversations with your friends, with your family, with your grandparents, with your boss, with your coworkers, with your peers in your class, people on your sports team. You don't want to have to overthink every conversation that you have because it's just going to be exhausting and

It also reduces your focus. I'm sure we've all been there and we've all dealt with this one, but yeah, when I'm hating myself, the last thing I find myself doing is being productive.

It damages our self-esteem, obviously. It increases our need to be perfect. It increases our perfectionism. We're a lot less likely to take risks and try new things and step out of our comfort zone because we're just so afraid of giving ourselves more negative things to think about ourself. And it kind of makes us have like this avoidance behavior. It makes us avoid confrontation, conversations, avoid social settings, avoid relationships.

everything avoid what's important because of the way that we're viewing ourselves in a social standpoint it affects our relationships very negatively because you start to see yourself and I'm talking like long-term partnerships right here like long-term boyfriend girlfriend partner if you are viewing yourself like in a way that is not even a reality it causes some drawback in your relationships because you start to think that you are the worst partner ever and that you

Your partner deserves better than you, but meanwhile they still see you as the light they first saw you as when you first got together. Okay, your partner didn't choose you to just be with you in the good. Your partner chose you to be your sidekick through the good and the bad. But when you just think that they deserve better than you or different than you,

It's bound to cause some issues, just some tension. Even if it's one sided tension, it just doesn't feel good. It also makes you withdraw, which like I said before, kind of ties into avoidance behavior, but like it makes you not want to go to things. It makes you not want to go to places, to birthday parties, to social gatherings, to events, to places you'll have to maybe meet new people or have

new conversations or potential places that you might embarrass yourself or places where there's gonna be a lot of attention on you because You're just scared of everything because of the way that you're talking about yourself and the way that you're thinking about yourself and

It also, and this one, I know that the people pleasers aren't going to like this one, but it also might help you guys. And cause it helps me. It influences people's perception of you. If you're constantly talking badly about yourself and talking down about yourself and saying, you can't do this and you can't do that. And Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed or I'm so anxious or whatever it may be that you are feeling like you're struggling with. The more that you loudly pronounce that, the more that people around you are going to begin to believe it. You control kind of how people see you a lot of the times.

Don't go make yourself seem like you're the worst person in the world constantly, physically last ones. And then we're going to get into how do we actually fix this problem?

It disrupts our sleep to constantly have negative self-talk. It gives us reason to find unhealthy coping mechanisms because usually we want to find like mind numbing things. For some people it's alcohol, for some people it's drugs, for some people it's vaping, for some people it's avoiding things. Like coping mechanisms look different for everybody, but anything that is like numbing your mind so that you don't have to think badly about yourself anymore is probably unhealthy. It also raises your cortisol, which is your stress hormone, which...

of course like we said before it increases stress and anxiety a lot of those get a little bit repetitive i just wanted to give you like the different ways that they affect us in ways that it affects us in all these different little subcategories the first thing that we need to work on doing and this one's kind of fun i've been practicing it for the last couple of days but it's called cognitive restructuring basically we're identifying all the negative thoughts that we have

And like we're paying attention to them. We're gaining some self-awareness and some insight into actually what we're thinking because oftentimes when we're in this negative self-talk loop for so long, it becomes our natural stream of thoughts. We don't even recognize that we're thinking so down about ourselves or so negatively about our life or our situation because it's become routine.

You don't know that you could be thinking more positive. So this calls for us to actually identify essentially each and every single thought that we have. And it kind of makes you realize how out of whack you're thinking. Like some of the ways that you're thinking and talking about yourself, if you say them out loud, even you'll recognize that it can't be healthy to think this way. Okay. Say as you go through your thoughts, I'm going to have you answer, ask yourself, I mean, three different questions.

Let's say I'm thinking I am the worst person in the world to be around. I'm going to ask myself, is this thought based on facts or assumptions? Is it a fact or an opinion? Then I'm going to ask myself, would I say this to a friend in the same situation? Last thing, is there a more balanced way to look at this? How can I reconstruct this thought into something that's maybe a little bit better for me? So for self-talk kinds of things, let's use the example. I always mess up.

Is that based on facts or assumptions? It's probably an opinion that I have of myself. Because there's no way in 24 years of life that I have messed up every single thing ever. It's false. It's not a fact. Would you ever tell your friend that? Definitely not. I don't know about you guys, but like I would literally never say that to even my worst enemy. Nobody needs to hear that from somebody else. And is there a more balanced way to look at this? Maybe you could say something like,

I made a mistake, like people make, I can probably learn from this, I can learn from this, and I can try it again. Because that's a much better way to look at things. If you tell yourself, "I always mess up," you're going to make yourself believe it. Our brains are literally being rewired every single day. Why make it believe lies? You get me?

Hello, my friends. A quick little intermission. I am honored, as always, to talk about BetterHelp, and I'd like to thank BetterHelp for being one of our sponsors on this show. I love therapy. I swear by therapy. I think that everybody needs to be in therapy, and one way that I like to think about it is think about how much you take care of yourself.

of your physical health. You know that your outer body is important and you want to keep yourself healthy and fueled and full of nutrients and things like that. But it's so often that we overlook

Our internal health, you know our brain health our mental health and these things are just as important if not more important I really think the two go hand in hand and I think that taking care of yourself is honestly So so so essential to feeling like the best version of yourself and being the best person that you can be and therapy is

One of the best things that you can do to take care of yourself, somebody to talk to you about what you're going through, what you're experiencing, anything that it may be. Even if you think that everything in your life is going swimmingly, sometimes it's still nice to talk to somebody just to give you an outsider perspective and give you insight and advice on how to take care of yourself.

how to make you feel better. It's a win-win-win for everybody and everybody around you, I really believe. So I want you to know that BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, and they've served over 5 million people. And it's very convenient. You can join a session with just the click of a button, and it helps you fit therapy into your busy life. And if you need to, you can switch therapists at anytime.

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This body is able and it's mobile and I love what it does for me. And I know that a lot of things in this episode or a lot of these things kind of sound a little bit silly. You almost think that this is so cliche that it's kind of pointless to do it. But a lot of times when we're so deep in this loop, we really have to start from scratch. You have to be as cliche and cheesy with yourself as possible because there's a reason that these are the most stated things and the most

constantly given pieces of advice. It's because they work. But you have to believe that they're going to work and you have to want to make them work. And you have to want to do these things. You get me? Another one could be transitioning. I'm so boring to...

I have a unique personality that is special to me and the right people will gravitate towards it. I think that living in this world where you are the victim and you are the worst person and you are your own worst enemy is so exhausting. And I promise it's not just exhausting for you, it's exhausting for people around you who see the light that is within you. They want you to shine because they know that you do shine and you can shine and it's like

Sometimes I can promise you the people that love you the most in the world just want to slap you and say wake up You are a light you are fun to be around you are smart. You are beautiful You can take on the world, but you're the one that's stopping yourself. You have to believe it first Don't live like that because you don't have to sorry got a little carried away there a couple more things We could transition and you can apply this to your life in whatever way that works best for you But think about this if you fail this test

Or if I fail this test, my life is literally over. We could probably transition that to maybe something like one exam doesn't define my abilities. Even if I mess up, I'll come back from it. Think about the amount of people who have to retake the board or the NCLEX or any kind of these crazy exams a gazillion different times. My best friend right now is working on becoming a CPA, which is a, I want to say it's a certified public accountant. You have to pass four exams to do so.

She hasn't passed them all yet. She's failed them a couple times. It doesn't mean she stops. It doesn't mean she gives up. It means she keeps going and she pushes harder. Another one. If I say the wrong thing to this person, they're going to hate me and they're going to tell everyone that they meet ever forever that I'm the worst person in the world and I'm so embarrassing. Okay. I know it sounds crazy, but like those are literally things that I think and these are literally things that I believe about myself sometimes and I say inside my head and it's

I have a feeling that there's a lot of people out there who also think these things about themselves but are too afraid to admit that they think them about themselves. So I'm just gonna keep it real and I'm gonna keep it honest here. And maybe, maybe I am the only one, but I can't be. Another way we could reframe something like that is if I embarrass myself with this person, they probably won't notice and they probably won't ever remember this ever again because people are very worried about their selves, themselves.

Another one, my boyfriend is being a little bit distant. He's probably going to dump me. We could probably rephrase that too. There's many reasons my partner could be feeling off. Maybe I should ask him if something's bothering him. Sometimes we're so negative towards ourselves and our insecurity is so deep, but also so loud that we become selfish about things that have nothing to do with us. We take everything personal. You don't have to.

So what I want you guys to do is something that I'm challenging myself to do kind of as they come, but also maybe at night or in the mornings, I want to take a lot of these things that I most commonly think, and they're going to look different for all of us. Whatever you're constantly repeating in your head over and over and over again, we're going to write those things down on paper. And we're going to, on the next page, write the restructured thought, right? What we're going to change that thought into because we're going to

Sometimes just when you have so many things going on in your brain and you're trying to solve all these problems and fix all these things in your head It's not very easy to do you have to put things on paper once in a while You have to get it out of here and on to something else So I challenge you to do that write them down Write the restructured thought while I was doing my research I also came across this thing called the name it to tame it method which I honestly really really really liked basically you go to these negative thoughts and

And you blame them on somebody else. So let's say I'm going to name my inner critic, like my inner evil person, Larry. If you're thinking about yourself really negatively, you can be like, Larry, not right now. I'm not going to, I'm not taking your advice, Larry. I'm not listening to your opinion. I'm going to just, I'm going to listen to myself. And then you are the restructured thought. It just like kind of adds something.

different layer in between you and your subconscious and the thoughts that you're thinking about yourself and it just makes it a little bit more fun and sometimes silly things that feel like they won't work or what completely change our life so don't knock it till you try it if that sounds like something that could work for you try the name it to tame it method next

The next thing that we're going to work on is self-compassion. And I want you to know that all of these things go hand in hand. All of them are tied together in some way, shape, or form. But one thing that I always say, and I will always say until I'm in the grave, is that you are the only person that you're guaranteed to have in your life until the day that you're in the grave.

Relationships could fall apart, even with best friends, even with married couples, even with family. Ideally they don't. Of course, nobody's looking for that to happen. But in the event that they do, you are the one that you have. You are stuck with you. You can't escape you. So be your own best friend.

It is so important to have a friend inside of you. To have somebody that you know that you can go to to spend time with where there's going to be kindness, there's going to be compassion, there's going to be love. So many of us are the opposite to ourselves right now. It's also the way that society has kind of made us believe that we have to be, but that's a whole different conversation. You need to make yourself your friend. And that is why we're going to prioritize self-compassion. In everything that you go through in your life, come to yourself first.

Like you're somebody else. Okay, come to yourself like you're a friend that you haven't seen in a while. Your friend comes up to you and says, hey, I just failed this exam or I lost this job. I can pinky promise you, you're not going to say to that friend, well, you must suck.

You must be a really, really, really bad worker and you must have not studied at all. And even when you did study, you probably sucked doing it and you can't pay attention and you can't focus and nobody's going to hire you ever. If that's a kind of friend that you are, I think there's a bigger conversation to be had and some bigger things that we need to work on. But I'm 99% sure that if you're listening and you're sitting here listening to this, it's probably not the kind of friend you are. I would hope I did something wrong if it is, but...

Come to yourself as a friend. And I think that it's really easy to feel embarrassed to do this. I don't know why, at least I feel very embarrassed to do this. I don't know why I'm afraid to be so soft with myself. But like being soft with other people in my relationship, in my friendships, is one of my favorite things to do because I think people deserve softness. They deserve gentleness. They deserve love, a hug, a place where they can feel safe to...

Dump their emotions and feel what they need to feel but we don't give that to ourselves at all and the reason that I emphasize that you are the only person that you have in the long run and that you are stuck with you is because Sometimes you won't have somebody to go to to receive this compassion from I think that one thing that I've been experiencing a lot in myself That's been really frustrating for me because it's kind of like a loop I've been trying to get out of is I know that I'm the one who needs to provide this compassion for myself and

But instead I go to my boyfriend to provide it for me. And God bless this man, not my boyfriend. What am I saying? My fiance, he meets me with all this love and with all of the support and with all the compassion that I need. But for whatever reason, it still doesn't feel like enough for me. The reason that it doesn't feel like enough for me is because I haven't given it to myself yet. It is not something that somebody else can fill. It is something that I have to fill.

And I think that just when you stay in that loop of needing it kind of from other people, needing other people to validate your feelings or to validate your negative thoughts or to just be your comfort is not always the healthiest. Granted, I think that having people you can go to is very important and it's very essential. But what I'm saying is that you first need to give yourself that compassion. It's a step that so many of us skip over often.

But it's probably the most important one because the compassion from other people won't mean anything to you if you haven't first given it to yourself. And I want you to also note that self-compassion is not equivalent to self-pity. Okay, like sitting in this mindset of, oh my God, I suck. I'm so stupid. I'm horrible. The world is out to get me. I got every red light. That must mean that God is just...

Not rooting for me like life is gonna happen things are gonna happen Okay, so don't look at yourself like you are the victim and the world is attacking you It's another exhausting way to live in an exhausting way to think self-compassion isn't that self-compassion isn't like letting all of those thoughts come in self-compassion is is giving yourself love and giving yourself grace and teaching yourself how to shift that self-pity and

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The last thing that I'm going to be sharing with you is probably the most basic one of them all, but we're going to work on using positive affirmations. We're going to write them down. We're going to set reminders on our phone. We're going to refresh them when we need to. And I think it's really easy to look at a positive affirmation and just tell yourself that there's no way that that could possibly work. But I think it's really easy to look at a positive affirmation and just tell yourself that there's no way that that could possibly work.

First thing I want you to take note of is that our brains are being rewired every single day. You have a lot more power over your mindset and the way that you think than you actually think. There's studies, there's in-depth hours and hours of long podcasts that will go into detail on this. I don't have that knowledge. I'm not here to be that scientist or that doctor or to give you that information, but I'm just relaying what the truths are. Your brain can transform.

Very quickly too, especially if you're young, your brain can do a whole lot. But if that's still not really enough for you to believe it, I want you to think about how quickly negative affirmations work. You see one negative comment, someone says one negative thing about your body, you look in the mirror, you allow that in, you say it to yourself, boom, you're stuck thinking about it for months on end.

If a negative affirmation can work that quickly, who's to say that a positive one can't? You have to believe that these things work. I think that is really key here too. When it comes to any kind of shift you're trying to change in your life, any kind of thing that you're trying to do, if you're not rooting for it, if you're not believing that it's going to help, of course it's not going to help. Maybe you just need to open your mind and not be afraid of letting these silly little things change your life.

Because again, like I said before, there's a reason that people keep doing them. There's a reason that people keep telling you these same things. They work. What you believe about yourself is going to directly influence your actions. Choose to believe positive things about you. If you want your dreams to come true,

if you want to create a life that you could have only dreamed of a very long time ago if you want to be the best version of yourself is doing all of these things that you never thought that you could do you can't do that by looking at yourself in such a negative light you cannot and you will not and that's a hard pill to swallow and it's a hard truth but if you want to change the world you can't talk to yourself like you'll never be able to do that the words that we think

The ways that we view ourself become our reality, become our life. The longer that you sit in this negative mindset and you soak in this rottenness, the more your life is going to become that. You're going to be a more negative and a more sad and a more mentally struggling person than you're aiming to be. And you don't have to live that way, but you have to make these changes. A little bit goes a long way because think about how quickly you can go downhill.

Obviously, walking uphill is much harder. It's really easy if you put a rock at the top of a mountain and you just drop it, it's gonna go very fast. Pushing that rock up to the top takes a lot longer, takes a lot more work, a lot more dedication, a lot more consistency because guess what? If you stop pushing that rock, it rolls back down. So it takes more, but it is possible.

And you deserve to feel good. Every single one of us deserves to feel good. And that's the mission that we're going to be on. That's what we're aiming for. And that's what we're going to do. We're going to take all these tips, all of these things, write down what meant the most to you, write down what you think is going to be the most valuable to your life, because every single one of our situations is different. What works for me isn't going to work for somebody else and vice versa. My therapist always would tell me this, like,

You are one of a kind individual. Your circumstances are yours. Your situation is yours. What you go through in your life is completely different than somebody else. The way that you've been raised is completely different than somebody else. Don't expect what works for me to work for you. Anyways, back to those positive affirmations. One thing I like to do is set reminders on my phone.

And usually those reminders get old after about a week and a half of seeing them. They stop registering in my brain So don't be afraid to change them up. Don't be afraid to put a new reminder. Don't be afraid to like figure out what works Don't give up after the first try if saying I'm beautiful in the mirror Isn't the affirmation that sticks for you try something new try something deeper. Let's try something like my light shines for me inside out and

Maybe that's not deep enough. Maybe go deeper. Maybe go closer to the surface. Figure out you and be dedicated to figuring out you and just know that you are worthy, that you are capable, that you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. I love you so much. And I hope that, I hope that these can help you change your life. And I hope that this episode was valuable to you.

It honestly was very valuable to me and I'm taking this advice as we speak and as we go because lately the way that I've been feeling about myself is just so deprecating. It's so victim. It's so pitiful. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel empowered. I want to feel inspiring. I want to genuinely believe that I can change the world and that's going to take work. It's going to take steps to get there, but we're going to do it together and I'm in this with you and I'm

I hope you know how loved and incredible you are and how proud I am of you. You can tune in next week to the Moments Podcast and we can maybe continue on this topic. Maybe we'll be talking about something new. Don't forget you can DM me on Instagram with any topics you want to hear, any things that you want to talk about.

Or just send me a little message on there. I'm really grateful to have all of you guys here. I'm really excited for the future of this podcast. I'm feeling extremely hopeful for this new mic setup, for this new transition that I'm going through. So let's make this podcast the best thing ever. Don't forget to send it to a friend if you learned something from it. I would really love that. I want...

As many good things in as many people's years as possible. So if you took something away from this, share that love, share that spirit. I love you guys so much. I will talk to you next, next Wednesday. Bye now.

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