AITA: Happyish Holidays Edition
01:03:00 Share

This episode is brought to you by The Hartford, a leading provider of employee benefits and income protection products that is dedicated to standing behind U.S. workers to help them pursue their goals and get through tough times. For more information about The Hartford, visit thehartford.com slash employee benefits. We've also got a link in our show notes.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Thanks for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.

I'm Nora McInerney. And I'm Marcel Malikibu. And this is Happy-ish Holidays 2024. Since 2016, we have been making an episode. I think we took one year off because I simply forgot to do it. We have been making an episode every year called Happy-ish Holidays because we believe in lowering the bar.

And something that we know from our own personal experience and from working in emotional podcasting for several years is that the happy-ishness of the holidays cannot be denied. This is a stressful time of year. It is one of my favorite times of year, and it is also when I have a regularly scheduled mental breakdown. Yeah.

It's a triggering, it's a very triggering, and I feel like everyone has something going on this time of year. Like we, I don't know where I was, like my grandma died or something like that during this time of year. Something hilarious. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah.

And it's just like, if you're from Minnesota, it is freezing cold here too a lot of times during this time. And it might be snowing ice. Like you can't even walk properly. And then the sun sets at 9 a.m.

People are dying. You have one hour of daylight. It can be very cold. And no matter where you live, as far as what side of the equator you're on or how close you are to the Arctic Circle...

It's just people are stressed. Road rage goes up. Car accidents go up. You know, brawls at doorbuster sales all go up, although I think that's probably less of a problem now than it was in the 90s. Thank you, online shopping, for at least alleviating some violence. Tramplings. Some tramplings. Yeah.

I had a idea for this year's episode, Marcel. I went through Reddit, which is not a place I haunt. I don't really understand Reddit. It's confusing to me. But I know of this area of Reddit, this subreddit called AITA or M-I-V-A-H-O-L. I'm not going to say the word A-H-O-L because you know what? My mother doesn't like it.

and she won't listen to this episode, but I'm going to respect something about my mother that as a child I had a hard time respecting, and I am just going to edit that. But nowhere is it more obvious that this is a stressful time of year than this specific subreddit. And I

I brought a selection. I brought a selection of stories. I'm going to read you the first one. You can read me the next one. We'll take turns because they are variations on a theme, which is like, is it just me or is this messed up? Is what happened to me during the holiday season messed up or is it just me? And

Yeah. Everybody thinks it's just them. Everybody thinks that it's just them who is maybe not having the holly jolliest time of year, but I'm here to tell you and remind you through this episode that it is not just you. So here we go, Marcel. The title is...

Am I the a-hole for ruining Christmas and being upset the only gifts I got from my family were joke gifts?

Some background. My family likes to play pranks with Christmas and birthday gifts. It's nothing new. I, female 21, as well as my five siblings, who range from 29 to 37 years old, have all been pranked on our birthdays and on Christmas. Usually it's one or two gifts. But this Christmas, I was the only person to get all joke gifts. Okay.

I unwrapped a MacBook from my brother, and when I opened it, it was chocolate, which I don't eat. The MacBook was given to my sister inside of a bag she wanted. Another gift was what I thought was a book that I put on my Christmas list, but it was actually just the book cover put on a dictionary.

when i when i asked my mom about the book she told me she gave it to my sister-in-law without the dust jacket okay that's like me wait what was the point of doing that though what was the point it's like a joke it's a joke like oh you thought you get a you thought you got a map no i mean giving it to the sister-in-law that's yeah confusing part why yeah it's

This is weird. This is rude. And I'm already on this person's side. And you know what? This person is the youngest child, but this gives me middle child energy. I say that as a middle child. This feels like something that would happen to a middle child. Okay. So this kept going. Each present my siblings or parents gave me. AirPods was just a charger block. Adapter? No.

gift cards were used and had $0 balance. A card with Monopoly money. This totaled 12 joke gifts. I realized that I'd gone out of my way to get everyone something they wanted or that they would like and didn't get anything."

And she's 21. So you know she's broke too. So at this point, I was bummed. So I went to the living room to watch TV with my boyfriend. At dinner, they were all talking about how much they loved their gifts. And when my dad asked why I hadn't said anything about mine, I said there wasn't much to say. Everyone but my boyfriend laughed and my mom said it was no big deal. Everyone else also got some joke gifts. I told her every gift I got was a joke and that the ones they got were also followed by a real gift.

My dad told me I needed to relax. I'm making a big deal about it and I'll have next Christmas to get the stuff on my list. Not wanting to go back and forth, I told my boyfriend I wanted to leave and we can spend the rest of Christmas break with his family and then go home. My family got mad and told me not to go and stay because it wasn't serious.

Yeah.

I posted on my Instagram story and not even zero minutes after, my sister sent a screenshot of my story to the family group chat and they basically got mad at me for leaving and telling me I ruined Christmas over some presents. They told me I owe everyone, especially my parents, an apology because my mom spent New Year sad because of my actions. Now I just want an outside party to tell me if I'm the a-hole here. Am I wrong for being upset? Am I wrong for leaving?

After reading their messages and sitting on this for a few days, I'm now feeling like maybe I was upset over nothing and I need to apologize for them. A few clarifications. She came back and edited. My Christmas list did not include expensive gifts. I wasn't upset that I didn't receive expensive gifts. I was just upset because I was pranked with everything and was the only person who didn't get one real present. Right.

I also didn't do anything to deserve this. The last big argument I had was with my sister over a year and a half ago. So I think that clarifies... I'm ready to make a judgment. I'm ready. You're ready? You're ready? This person is not the a-hole. This person is not the a-hole. Yeah. I mean, I would need...

little i'd have a couple questions she's like what possibly do you need to know um do you do you guys i i mean if they play this game every year i just want to know if they've ever done it to anyone else like or like if she's participated in only giving people no she said no she said at least like what it sounds like happened

This is like the benefit of the doubt, right? It's like everyone assumed someone else would get her a real gift and everyone chose to prank her at the same time the same year, which is bad communication. That's bad communication. And I –

I am the sensitive child. I also come from a family that was, you know, who veered into bullying pretty easily, you know, which is kind of what this feels like too. Nora's triggered. I'm triggered. I am so triggered because I know what it's like to leave. Okay, I will leave. I will leave a house. I will leave a party. I will leave in a huff. I will leave with a flare. And I will...

And then I will feel bad and be like, wait, maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me. But like you're 21 years old. Everybody wants to feel like seen and heard and known by their family. To get all joke gifts would hurt my feelings even at age 41. Yeah. But at 21 –

When like, you know, Christmas might be the only time you ever get something from your parents once you're an adult. You know, like as a – or as a kid too. Like there are families where it's like that's the time we do gifts. Like you're not going to get a random toy throughout the year. You're not going to get, you know, anything. It's like Christmas and your birthday. And I think my feelings would also be very hurt if –

if every gift was a joke. And the book thing would especially hurt my feelings. And if I was sad and everyone in the family, including five older siblings...

Five older siblings. The closest one in age to her is eight years older than her. So she is literally the baby of the family. If everyone was like, oh my God, lighten up. I am highly triggered by people being like, lighten up. Come on. No, but the thing too is like, yeah, when some, when people, what stood out to me about this story is like, I was told a long time ago, like,

If if you say if someone tells me I'm funny and I'm not trying to be, then that's a sign of disrespect.

So to me, anytime you tell me, oh, you're funny, that's funny. And I wasn't trying to be funny. Now, granted, there are situations where you do something and you have to be able to look at yourself and laugh at yourself. I'm the king of saying that to other people like, hey, learn to laugh at yourself. You're being ridiculous. Like I hit my neighbor's car this week.

I had to laugh. I had to laugh at myself. But he laughed at you first. Right. He laughed at me first. And that did make you feel weird. So admit it. That made you feel weird. You were like, am I a nerd? No. When he laughed, I kind of like, I immediately was like, because he was, they were laughing like, oh, you're worried about this person.

little thing, but I, it was, there's a legitimate scratch there. Okay. I didn't explain this to you. No, there's a pretty long scratch on this car. And I grew up with some people who have nice cars like Mercedes and stuff. And then they're really like sensitive about their car. So I was thinking like, Hey, that's still someone else's thing. It's a sign of respect to just say, Hey, let me just. So, um, yeah, when, when they started laughing, I was like,

I was like, oh, like, actually, I was relieved, you know, because I felt like, oh, they're laughing. Like, it's not a big deal. Like, they're laughing at the situation. I didn't feel like it was at me. And then but there is something to that where when someone's like, oh, it couldn't be me. Like when someone's like, oh, it couldn't be me. I'm like, first off, what do you mean by that? Yeah.

What do you mean it couldn't be you? Yeah, it could be you. And don't make me make it you, okay? Don't make me put you in a pickle, okay? And then have you... So, but in this situation, it's like, yeah, if I'm in a space where people are just laughing or any kind of subtle minimization of...

The seriousness of who I... Because to some degree, it's not even seriousness. It's like seriousness shows that you...

that you care enough to show that you care and be direct with your care. Like joking is an indirect way to show that you care. Hey, I'm poking fun at you so that I can build you up or make you laugh or make you feel better. But it's still indirect. If I say, Nora, you're my friend. I love you. You're a good person. That's it. I'd rather say you got a big forehead. Hey, loser. Yeah. What's up? Put some deodorant on. Right. All things I've

This is how you eat, like a gremlin, right? But by noticing the minute details of who you are and making a joke out of it, it's also showing, hey, I'm paying attention to detail. I care about little things. And I'm also helping you with something potentially that could be an insecurity too, right? Yeah. So-

So, but I think in this situation, it's like everybody takes you for the joke and you're the baby. No one thought like, hey, let me take it upon myself. I think that does say something about the collective of your whole family and how they think about you. It does. And like, it's just kind of like, to me, it's, it's mean. Like if your mom got you drunk.

Only like gave the book you wanted to your sister-in-law but took the time to take the dust jacket off and put it on a dictionary. But couldn't also take the time to like slip $20 into the dictionary and be like, so you can go buy it yourself. It's like – that one is just so mean. Yeah. Come on, mom. It just feels mean. It just feels mean. And there are like –

there are families that just do very small gifts for Christmas, which is fine. It's just, I think,

The sincerity of it, like she went to Christmas like looking for like sincere connection with her family and didn't get it. And like that should make you sad. That's okay. That's okay that that hurt your feelings. That's okay that it made you sad. I would have lost my mind. I would have lost my mind. At age 21, oh, I would have huffed and puffed my way out of there. Guys, come on. I would have been out of there. Out.

Out. I just wanted a real gift. Oh, it would have been out. It would have been out. Okay. Like it's. You're not the a-hole. Okay. You're not the a-hole. You're not the a-hole. You're not the a-hole. Okay. No, that's even worse. I don't know why my mom can't handle any. It can't be explicitly stated. You can say b-hole or a-hole, but you can't say the full word. Rump. Yeah. You can say rump, rump, rump hole. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. Um.

Okay. Here's the second. Am I the Rumpole? It says, am I the Rumpole for continuing to request my Christmas present? Okay. I, aged 15, keep asking my father, 49-year-old male. Why is that so funny? Yo, why are you giving us this demographic? All right.

I, aged 15, keep asking my father, 49-year-old male, for my Christmas present from my grandpa, 76-year-old male. Christmas 2023 was held at my aunt's, 41-year-old female, and my grandpa, I'm guessing the 76-year-old male, got me a $100 bill. However, I wasn't there to receive it as I had to stay home to play my violin in church that same night.

Wholesome. Right. That's very. Remind me to tell you a very non wholesome story about me playing guitar on New Year's Eve at church. I'm drunk. I know this one. So it was sent back with my father. My father proceeded to wave it over my head by saying, I'll give it to you, but you have to come over here and get it. I don't have the greatest relationship with him already, but that didn't help.

My mom, 40-year-old female, had to go over there to his place so she could receive her child support and brought Corey, 47-year-old male, her fiance. Not Corey. Corey. Not Corey. Don't bring Corey into this. No, not Corey, the 47-year-old male. Oh, Lord Jesus. My mom asked for it, my present, but my father had spent it.

He claimed he would make it up to me. Today, he and my grandpa, 70-year-old, he and my grandma, 70-year-old female, came over for my birthday as that was on Monday. I then again requested my Christmas present. I intentionally did it in front of my grandma as she's his mom so she would know what my father did. That's a really good point. I like that. You got a rat. You got a rat. Yeah, you got to snitch to grandma. Yeah.

I said, I said they should go to the ATM to get my hundred dollars after they pick up the pizza we ordered. She took his, wait, she took his side and defended him with the whole, I didn't seem to want it thing. I'm saving up for something that's $2,000. I want the money.

His definition of making it up to me is to take me shopping. I don't need anything right now. I want the cash. Man, I understand you so much. Yeah. Give me the money and stop playing with my money. What's all this? I'm going to take you shopping. And grandma now is an accomplice to this. Of course. Grandma's the enabler. It's a financial crime.

He spent my Christmas present and that wasn't even from him. Oh yeah, that wasn't even from him. Yeah, classic, classic. Then later on today, he says he's gonna buy himself a brand new $90,000 car, a new laptop, and a new dangerous thing. I don't feel comfortable saying it.

A new dangerous thing. And he can't give you your hundred dollar bill. And now you snitching on your dad with the dangerous thing. You got to be careful. This guy's got a $90,000 car. That's when I had it. And I said to his face, oh, you have all this money to buy stuff for you, but not to even give me my hundred dollars that isn't even from you. I yelled it.

He pulls the I didn't want it thing again.

Then I said, I was at church playing guitar. The reason for this season. Right. It's like, dude, I was, well, no, I was at church playing guitar. I wasn't, but he was. Okay. Or he was playing his violin, right? He was playing violin. Oh, God, now I'm triggered. You know what's more wholesome than guitar at church? Violin at church. Yeah, violin at church. Way more wholesome. Wow.

Wow. Okay. Oh, my God. Then I said I wasn't going over to his place ever again until he had that money. He had no words. And then he and my grandma left shortly after. Things got real quiet after that. Am I the ass? No. Am I the rumble? No. No, you are not. No. No. No. That's so rude. Yeah.

So rude. That's mean. Why would you do that? I hate when people have mean dads. I hate when people have mean dads. Withholding the money. What kind of bummy dad is that? You took the money. Okay, maybe you didn't have it for a couple weeks. Go back and just hand the money off to the kids so they can save it. It was cash in your pocket. Something came up. Like, you spent whatever. Like, you put it back. I've had to borrow money from a seven-year-old child. Mm-hmm.

Okay? I don't know why they always have cash, but like he always has cash in his wallet. I've had to borrow money from him. Right. But like he gets paid back because he's so mean. Replenish. He'll be like,

Did you? And I have to show him on my phone. I'm like, I transferred. The money is transferred into your account. It's there. And he's like... I cashed after you. Yeah, I cashed after you. I cashed after you. It's there. And he does not like digital money. He wants his money. He wants paper money. He wants paper money. He wants to pile it up. But yeah, I hate that. Of course, you're not the A-hole. You're 15. That is also bullying. I'm very sensitive to dads who are bullying. And...

Your grandma's enabling. I don't know why we had to bring Corey into it and never come back to Corey. We never circled back to Corey. Where's Corey at in all this? Why couldn't Corey help replenish the $100? Are you just parading around with my mom, Corey, 47-year-old male? I don't know anything about child support.

Having never received it or paid it. But I feel like it's rude to make a woman go get it from you physically. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the child support system is a little bit crazy. So I can't speak to that because I've seen it on both sides where it's like, dude, you're it's as simple as this. Your child needs things and you should contribute to that child getting things right. And I've seen the bummiest father. I'm talking about the most non-involved, uneducated.

offered every opportunity to be a part of this child's life and not adding any money to the pot. I've also seen men go through times where they lose a job or something like that. So I don't know what's going on with your dad, but for everything else that's going on in this situation, I'm willing to put the BUM stamp on the situation. On your dad. Of course you want that $100. Also, this kid...

Trying so hard to save $2,000 is really commendable. And if I can find this kid's Cash App, I'll send him 100 bucks, okay?

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Things for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.

We get support from Quince. You have heard me talk about Quince before because I've been a fan of them for quite some time. Quince makes everyday luxury affordable. They are known for their truly iconic Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

These sweaters are so lovely, so soft. They start at $50. I just gifted one to producer Claire McInerney. It looks amazing on her. She posted it on Instagram. I felt so proud because I love being able to give a good gift, and I did it. Really, this ad is just me bragging about what a good gift giver I am. Okay. Okay.

Whatever you're looking for, if it's Italian leather handbags, European linen sheet sets. Quint's items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they partner directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of the middlemen or middlewomen and they pass the savings on to you.

Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices so you can feel good about the things that you are buying. And the things that you are buying feel really, really good.

Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com slash thanks for 365 day returns and free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash thanks to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash thanks. Okay, are you ready for another one? Yes. Yeah, another rumple. Okay, this is another, another rumple. We're getting out of the gift category.

and into something slightly different, okay? There is a – there's always a lot of drama around where people spend the holidays. Like it can be a highly political choice, right? Like who are you spending the holidays with? Who's hosting? Who's – like who's invited? What are you supposed to be bringing? I think –

You know, families are, many families, really bad at communicating things. And I have definitely been a person who has high expectations that were never communicated to anybody around me. And I've also been a person who has not met the stated or unstated expectations of different family members. So this is a – I can already tell it's going to be a controversial one because here is the title.

Am I the a-hole for asking my daughter to come to our house for Christmas? My husband, 58-year-old male, and I, 56-year-old female. All these people with older men. Okay. Also just handing out their ages. Always. Always. Also, I've got like hangnails. It's going to drive me crazy. Oh, God. Yeah.

Okay, so that's all we know so far. We host all our kids and their families for the holiday season. This has been so since they moved away for different reasons, and we use this as a way to bond with them and for them to see each other. My sons...

Jack, 32. Harry, 35. Visit us every year and we have a great time together. My daughter, Alice, 31, lives about an hour away from us by plane with her family. This includes her wife, Vanessa, 35, and their two kids, a six-year-old boy and a four-year-old daughter.

They come to visit us on my husband's birthday or mine if they can. They've never been with us for the holidays since they got together 10 years ago. Ooh, okay. I can already tell. We're cooking up a decade of resentment is what we're getting here. They haven't been to Christmas.

With 56-year-old female and 58-year-old male for 10 years. The reason for this is that Vanessa is a surgeon and she always has to work, including the holidays. This year, I again invited them and Alice declined the invitation for the very same reason as every year. I suggested that the kids were now older and maybe Alice could fly out alone with them and stay with us for a few days while Vanessa kept on with her work.

Alice told me there was no way she could spend the holidays away from her wife. I told her how the kids were missing out on the chance to spend time with their cousins, and I'm sure they'd have fun if they came over. She told me they already planned to spend time with Vanessa's family because they live in the same city. I may be an a-hole because I again told her it wouldn't hurt anyone if she just came for a few days, and I said I was sure Vanessa could handle that.

She got mad at me this time and said she honestly only wanted to be with Vanessa and the kids and that they used this time to bond together as a family. She also called me pushy and selfish for not understanding where she's coming from and said I was being unreasonable by asking her to abandon her wife during the holidays. My husband and Jack are on my side, but Harry thinks we went too far with the insisting. So am I the a-hole?

You might be because you might be because you might be. You might be. Sometimes, I got to admit, even now that I finally have children and I have that role of parent and it's new but getting less new, I feel like I understand the dynamic of

having difficult conversations, having to raise somebody up that frankly just doesn't have the like frontal lobe capacity to think the best for themselves and to keep themselves like safe and healthy and things like that. But I also know that, you know, I had to apologize to my child earlier today because of

a knee jerk reaction that I think is still completely rooted in something very positive and trying to do the right thing, but also could cause, uh,

maybe in the relationship or cause like a rift in the relationship. So I tend to think when parents are asking questions about like bad relationships with their children, that it often has something to do with the parent, like 90, 90 times out of a hundred, uh,

nine times out of ten. I don't know why I just did that fraction. But nine times out of ten. 900 times out of a thousand. Yeah. You're going to get. Yeah. I mean, 900. Not wait. Not 900,000 out of one million. You know, you're going to see more than that. I mean, if we get into the 900 millions out of

One billion. Billion? You're going to see the same thing. It sounds like a way bigger deal. But so I think it could be your fault. You know, it seems like there's more to this story if your child feels that strongly about not being with you. I will say, and then I want to pass it to Nora for her take on this. Sometimes, you know, it's like when your friend starts dating someone and they stop coming around and...

And their eyes are opened to something. And I'm not saying that in quotations because it can also be true. A partner can help you see things that from an objective perspective that you didn't see before.

you know, because you were emotionally attached to someone, a family member or whatever. And they could say, hey, you know, this is not a healthy behavior or I noticed this thing that's not good. So I kind of I'm going to I'm going to just throw something at the wall and say, I think that you guys have some kind of unhealthy dynamic that you as the parent perpetuate and

And that your child is probably, this is a product of your child, you know, your child's response to that. And there's a reason why they've stayed away from you for this long. That's what I'm going to say. But then again, don't take what I say as, you know, the law. Yeah, I have...

I do have empathy for this mother because I think it's hard as your kids get older and become adults to –

kind of adjust, like every family has to adjust and refamulate and figure out like a new dynamic as everybody gets older. And when your kids have families, like that is their priority now. Like that's their family, right? Like the family that you have, your wife, your kids, like that is your family. That's your primary obligation, your primary concern. Yes, you still care about the family that you came from, but like this is where you are now. Like that is your

That's the center of your world. So it's hard as people grow up to see those dynamics change. Like it just, it can just be really hard. And I don't think that she is the a-hole for asking. I think that she is the a-hole for pushing further. Like when, when your daughter says no, right. Like, which is like kind of obvious. Like, you know, if, if her wife is going to be

working a very stressful job at the holidays, does she want to come home from a 24 hour or 12 hour shift at the hospital to an empty house and no children? No. Right. Like it's, it's fine to want to stay at your house with your kids and your family and be ready for your wife to come home and sort of like build your own little, you know, traditions and, and, and

If you really, really want that time with like all your grandkids together and your, all your children together, and you know that,

One of your kids has this really sort of like unusual life and is married to a surgeon and has to – maybe you go there if it's so important to you. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Like you go there. Yeah. That's like the most – you know, like you adapt, right? And you tell your sons like, guess what? I'm going to rent a giant house.

beautiful Airbnb in the city that your sister lives in and I'm flying everybody out and you know dad and I are gonna pay for it and that's on us and this is gonna be our new tradition or we're actually gonna do Christmas in July and that's when you know everybody will come out and we'll do our family thing then and you can

I don't know, like when we get so rigid about what we think an event has to be, what we think a holiday has to be, what we think our family has to be. I think that's like when we hurt each other's feelings and like hurt our own feelings too. Wow, you took a really mature and measured approach. I hear you. I mean, I think there is a degree of

To like, I mean, you're more at the age where you have, well, at the stage, I should say, not so much your age, but at the stage where your kids are like...

Like Ian could not come home. You know what I mean? Like, or like an older child could just be like, oh, I'm up to this thing, you know, during the holidays. There's many holidays in my twenties where I like flew out to Seattle. It would hurt my feelings so bad. It would hurt my feelings so bad, you know, and I will have to deal with that. Cause you didn't do anything. Like from your perspective, it's like, I didn't do anything. But you know, to, to, to your point, I'm thinking, what about,

What if the surgeon... You have all year. If you know that Christmas is this big deal, you know that you haven't gone for 10 years. You may not know how it's sitting on your mother's heart, but you know you haven't done something for 10 years. Even I know. It's never been an issue with family. I just wanted to...

start my own tradition and have time certain times or certain family members. I'll be honest. I didn't go around because there was too much conflict or whatever gossip. So I would say, hey, this year I'm just taking that off. But like with my mother, it's never been an issue. I just never...

She's not hosting anything. I invite her over. Maybe she does or doesn't come. And so I could see how they could just not have an issue. And they're just like, well, we're just in this other place and we're whatever. But you have all year to take that time off to get some other surgeon or to figure something. And I know surgeons particularly have it very hard to organize their schedule. But I feel like there has to be some purposefulness to that. Yeah.

Yeah. And probably, you know, the approach to the conversation wasn't very productive. And instead of saying like, but you're always there, like maybe you say like, it's important to me and I feel sad about it. Yeah. It would feel good for us to be in the family house together and do the tradition. Can we just try this like every other year or something? Yeah.

So, you know, I can make the special cookies and I want to see my grandbabies in the house. And yeah, you know, the you know, those little the stockings we'd put the you know, you have the names on them or something like maybe grandma just wants to put the stockings with the kids names. And now she can't. So I don't know. She can't. She never got to. She never got to. It's been 10 years and her kids and her grandkids have never spent Christmas with her. And maybe now I'm on her side, but I'm I just think it's a bigger conversation and

You also have to have some curiosity about your daughter's life too. Like why, you know? And is there another time? So I think it could just be a bigger conversation. Also, the other part too is like as a –

You have siblings, right? Yeah. You know. You know how this stuff goes. So, like, the line where she's like, one kid is on my side and one kid thinks I went a little too far. It's like, oh, so now everyone's involved? So now everyone's involved, right? Like, so not only is this the girl who moved away, but now she knows, like, that you're kind of, like, campaigning against her.

And no one likes to feel that way. Yeah, I'm saying as the elder statesman in the family, it's okay. We all have feelings. You know what I'm saying? Like I said, I had to apologize earlier. And you can get upset about something. You can...

And as a person who's particularly stubborn in the household, I can see how you could be stubborn, but I don't like playing people against each other. I don't like any of that. And as an older person, it is your job not to do that. It's your job. You have to take one for the team sometimes as the older person, as the more mature person. Yeah, that is really mature. And you know what? You do that. A lot of parents of older people

Kids do, a lot of parents in their 50s or 60s or 70s, you apologize to your kids and that's going to make a big difference to them as they grow up.

They'll respect you. Okay. Yeah. So Nora says no. I say you might be. Yeah. I know. I said she is. You said you might be for. I said she's, yeah. It's not the asking. It's the insisting. It's the insisting and not, you know, like you have to bend at some point too, you know? So like, I'm like, why wouldn't you offer if the-

If you don't got little kids and you can move around more easily than someone with the, I don't know. Yeah. It's like, I, I, I also, I do take issue with being like, well, your kids are older now. It's a one hour flight, a one hour flight with a four and a six year old.

Those are not older kids. No, your kids are older when they're like both like, you know, in... Above six. Above six. Eight. And can walk through an airport without getting, you know, like just destroyed by a rolling suitcase. Right. You know, happened to one of my kids. And...

Like, yeah, it's like you go to them. You go to them. If you know that this is important to her. If the most important thing is being together, then you would want to be together wherever you could be. But it sounds like the most important thing is you getting everything you want. And that is what makes you the a-hole. Yes. You want to read one last one or how many more should we read? I want you to read this next one. Okay. Because I think this is also like a very relevant topic. Okay. Okay.

This one says, am I the rumpole for saying I'll not attend the family Christmas since I can't afford it? My family has always spent the Christmas together. We've spent the Christmas. We always spend the Christmas together. My family has always spent the Christmas together at our parents. Last year was the first year we spent it at my brother's 20s. What is?

Why do they always put the age? Last year was the first year we spent it at my brother 20s and his wife 20s. Due to it being their first time, they were understandably very stressed and had troubles getting things together, especially taking into account my dietary restrictions. Last year, I, female 20s, didn't live in the same city as them, so I couldn't really help with the preparations. But this year I do.

Since I'm a student, the money is tight, but my brother and sister-in-law earn extremely well, even compared to our parents. When we spent the Christmas at our parents, we didn't have to contribute financially towards the feast, but this year the costs are shared by our parents and them.

As I can't afford it, my compensation is the organization and cooking the feast as none of them enjoy such things. This is really proper. The feast. Well, yeah, just the choice of words. It's like, as none of them enjoy such things. This is not a small task since I'll have to start the preparation days before Christmas and do everything on my own.

However, since I'm not the one paying for the meal, I have shared my plans weeks ago with all of them and they have agreed on the menu. A couple days ago I sat down and calculated how much all of this would cost and sent the info to my family. This did not go down well with my brother. He is extremely frugal, which is fine and all, but the cost of the feast is the same as it has been every year.

Mind you, it is nothing crazy, honestly, but costs more than a regular everyday meal. Yeah, of course.

I said, "Fine, we can cut something back if he wants," and asked what he wanted to give up. He chose the one thing I wanted to make for myself as a treat, since almost everything else is something I can't eat, but the rest of them can eat all of it. I said, "Okay, anything else," but he didn't want to give up anything else. I asked him if he was serious that my dish would be the only one he would get rid of and not one of their multiple sides.

I don't want to eat only potatoes and salad. Well, yeah, that makes sense. His response was that it's all so expensive. And since it's something that most of us wouldn't eat, it didn't make sense to make it. My brother pulled the same move last year and my mother put her foot down and forced my brother to include me. Since then, he has constantly told us, how are we so emotionally

Oh, since then, he has constantly told us how we are so emotional and stir up unnecessary drama. So to his opinion, I said, this is such a weird structure, sentence structure. I don't know. So to his opinion, I said, it's fine. I'll just not attend and spend Christmas by myself since I can't afford to pay for the dish since I already provide my main meal.

Oh, my main dish, okay. My brother got mad and said that's not what he meant.

I replied, "This would be the most elegant solution to the problem since the feast would be cheaper and I wouldn't have to work so hard for a meal I can't eat. And this would have had the added bonus of not causing too much drama since I do so voluntarily. I know I'm probably a rump hole just for this." He got super mad at me while my mother got mad at him and decided to spend the Christmas at my place.

Now everyone is mad at everyone, but honestly, I'm mainly just sad and feel like I ruined everyone's Christmas. Am I the rumple? Okay, edit. This is something that was added later. I've seen a lot of comments saying that they would like to help me to contribute financially towards this meal while I find this whatever I simply feel. This wouldn't be appropriate since I'll be fine regardless of the outcome for Christmas. Okay, well, that's nice. So...

Is this individual the rumple? I, okay. I've, I've so many questions. Every family is so different. Money is very stressful for people. We know this is what people fight about. This would tears marriages apart. And apparently it tears like families apart as well. I am confused. Like it seems like because this person cannot afford money,

to contribute financially to the meal. They're like the peasant who is going to just do all the work and then also can't cook anything for themselves that would be enjoyable or edible to them, which is so odd. It's crazy. It's crazy. I think like

So if your parents are hosting, they buy the food and cook it. But if your brother is hosting, then he wants you to help pay for dinner. But because you can't, then you have to prepare it. Like, I know that there are many cultural differences in this world.

But this is relevant, Marcel, because I saw a TikTok last night where someone was like, we are losing like the art of hosting each other. Like we're losing like the art of like hospitality, you know, within each other. Right. Like someone comes to your house, you offer them something to eat, you offer them something to drink, whatever.

Someone on TikTok was like, I've been in some of the poorest villages. They'll still offer you something, right? They will offer you something because you are a guest in their home. And somebody else had made a video that was like, well, I went to dinner at my friend's house and then she Venmo'd us all, sent a Venmo request saying, oh, the taco salad I made came out to $2.30 a person. So this is how you chip in.

That is crazy. That is crazy. That is crazy. If you cannot afford to offer your guests a meal, don't invite them over for a meal is what I would say. I would say. And I would say I kind of think it's so strange to me because all of these, all of the spectrum of a-hole posts that we've talked about, right? All this holiday controversy that we have talked about in the 40-some minutes we've been talking about.

So much of it does come down to family dynamics and finances and unspoken expectations. And even if you are an adult, like both of the siblings in this story are,

I kind of feel like your mom's always your mom. Your parents are always the parents. Like when you are in that dynamic, you know, like the parent still needs to parent. And in this case, like the parent should say, this is not something to fight about. I'm going to pay for the dinner. Right.

Right? Like I'll pay for all the food. Everyone needs to have something that they can eat. Even if your brother is hosting, I'll come help cook. You can help cook. I know you're a student. You don't have any money. I know your brother's cheap and wants to, you know, charge you for coming to the holiday feast. And I'm going to take care of it. Right? Not like, okay, fine. I'll eat it at your house instead. But I will try to make this

as agreeable as possible because I do think it's, I don't think this person is the a-hole, but I do find this situation really odd. Am I missing something? Is this weird to you? No, I mean, it's a strange situation. I mean, you never know the dynamics. I don't want to, I don't want to jump. This is happy-ish holiday, so I don't want to just jump off and say what I'm saying enough. But it's like, look, man. Yeah.

If you are not wanted somewhere or whatever, I'm of the prideful mindset of just don't go. And I think that that's a perfectly fine way to choose. You don't have to go there regardless. So you didn't have to go and cook this thing and that thing anyway. And yeah, it does feel kind of like you're... The word meager came to mind. I just kept thinking about it.

and meager, and I don't know how those two words play, but yeah, just peasantry. You know the Disney Christmas Carol where Mickey's slicing the bean? Yeah. That's where this story is taking me. Just a slice of bean. Would you take a slice of bean? I don't know how Jiminy Cricket is related to that.

Jiminy Cricket is on the windowsill watching this family being like, no, no. It's like, and you know the person writing in, I think we can all say they're vegan. We already know. Okay, we already know they're vegan. They need something very specific. You're a barista. When somebody is gluten-free and dairy-free and meat-free, of course it's expensive. Yes. And you also do deserve, you deserve a holiday feast as well.

Yeah, yeah. See, I don't want to jump too far because... Listen, back in the day, we used to have this phrase called a mooch, okay? And so I don't want to... Listen, I'm hospitality. I'm like if I invite you somewhere, because I know Nora is exactly like this. If I'm in a position where I do have...

you know, more money or more of something, I'm going to try to be the person doing something, looking out. That's just like a, that should be a part of our culture is looking out for other people culture. And so this is a weird dynamic with your brother. I feel, but I feel like there could be some,

mooch perception going on in this situation or something like that. That's what I read. But it's really odd. To me, it's also so odd. It's so ungracious to be like, okay, this is my little sibling who's in school. I'm married. So I've got a two-income household. And because this guy can't pay for the meal, which is, you know, it's like you're going to have to come over like Cinderella and prepare it for us. Yeah, yeah. Mooch.

Yeah, Mooch. It's so odd. No, you're not. You're not the a-hole. This Christmas sounds like a mess. Yeah, it is a weird dynamic. And this is where we come to the true message of happy-ish holidays, which is this. That holiday cheer is optional. It is optional. Go where you are wanted. Yes. Release yourself from expectations. Communicate early and often. Yes.

Okay. It's never too early. Feel the rain on your skin. Okay. No one else can feel it for you. And it is time for you to pick up the phone and tell your family what the plan is, what you are doing, what you're not doing, and just communicate it early, often, clear, concise.

Try not to dredge up into the past. Try not to send a Venmo request for the portion of a meal that somebody else ate. Try not to hold a $100 bill over your 15-year-old child's head while simultaneously going to buy yourself a $90,000 vehicle and something, quote, dangerous that they don't feel comfortable expressing anonymously online. So it's a hard time of year.

It is not just you. All around the world, there are people experiencing complicated, highly emotional dynamics and wondering if it's them. And sometimes it is. Sometimes it is them. It might be you. It might be you. We don't know. We don't know your situation. But what we want you to know is it's all optional. You can opt out.

And it is okay if the holidays are simply happy-ish at best. We have coming up every week right here where you're hearing this, there will be a new old episode of Happy-ish Holidays. We are opening up the archives. We are dusting off our greatest hits. We have stories that will make you laugh. We have stories that are going to make you cry.

Not in a horrible way. It's like in a slicing the bean Disney Christmas Carol kind of way. I think so. I think that's the general energy. Get ready for Jiminy Cricket to jump on your windows. Because you are not alone. It is not just you.

I'm Nora McInerney. I'm here with my producer and friend. Marcel Malakibu. And this has been Terrible Thanks for Asking. Happy-ish Holidays 2024. This episode was produced by Marcel Malakibu. Who's on the rest of our team, Marcel? Grace Berry. Grace Berry.

Claire McNerney. Okay, one more thing is we are doing a Happy-ish Holidays live show. We are doing two shows live in Minneapolis at the Parkway Theater. We'll have those tickets linked in the show description. One of those will also be live streamed. Our Patreon subscribers will have...

I think a discounted access to that live stream. So there's never been a better time to join the Patreon and support independent podcasting by us. And that's it. Our theme music is by Joffrey Lamar Wilson and happy holidays to all of you.

When you're editing this, you're going to hear my stomach growling. It's crazy. Yeah, no. At one point, I like burped or something. I don't know what was going on. Yo, I got the cloud lifter finally. So now I'm like, is it going to bump up my mouth and gut sounds even more? I like turned it down slightly. Something I can tell you right now you're going to hear is a lot of this.

Yeah, yo. On the last episode, yo, me and you recorded, I think it was one of the offices, and all you can hear is my nose.

You're breathing deep. The whole time. You know, I got allergies so much. When's the last time you thought about your employee benefits? I know you probably don't want to think about that right now, but they're important because you are important.

because people matter and so does technology, which is why the Hartford is so committed to providing a benefits experience like no other, putting care and compassion into the technology behind benefits to create a better benefits experience for everyone. Learn more at thehartford.com slash benefits.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Things for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.