Ep. 5.5 - IGTBO, TFA (Part 2)
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Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Thanks for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings A-N-D co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see you over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am. Um, how are you?

Most of us say fine or good, but obviously it's not always fine, and sometimes it's not even that good. This is a podcast that gives people the space to be honest about how they really feel. It's a place to talk about life, the good, the bad, the awkward, the complicated. I'm Nora McInerney, and this is Thanks for Asking.

Hi, everybody. I'm Nora McInerney. This is Thanks for Asking, the call-in show where we talk about what matters to you. And the theme of today's episode is it's going to be okay. We never say everything will be okay. It's not accurate, and I think everybody knows that. I think that is an aspirational phrase, but it doesn't really reflect the reality, which is that

Look around. Look around, guys. There's a lot that is not okay and will not be okay and never will be okay. And also, I think it is important when things feel so big, so bad, that we hold on as much as we can to whatever small amount of okayness that

that we can. So that's what we do in episodes like this. We take your calls about the okay things in your life, the things that feel like they're going to at least get you through the day. And a note about this recording day, I was unable to connect with one of our callers

She had scheduled a call. I called. She wasn't available. She called back. She said, oh, I'm so sorry. I kind of spaced like I'm at the hospital. I said, okay, you're at the hospital and that was not the time for you to be worried about a podcast. But Jessica, if you are listening to this, I'm thinking about you. I'm thinking about you all day. She is entering the palliative care stage of marriage.

with her husband, her husband who is very much too young to be entering palliative care. And so this episode is for you, Jessica. This episode is for you, listener, whoever you are. If you are in the thick of the awfulness where nothing feels like it is okay, I promise you it will not always feel like this. It won't. And, uh,

This is not meant to, these kinds of episodes, these kinds of conversations are not meant to minimize the very real suffering that is going on in the world or going on in our lives, but it is to throw out a little bit of a life preserver to each other to say, look, I am going to share something that brightened my day and hope that it brightens yours as well. So let's get into it. Hello. Okay, take three. Okay.

Take three. Here we go. Third time's the charm. This is it. Otherwise, it's cursed. And so many things have been cursed today, but not this. Not this. Not this. This was so good, we had to do it again. The call was so good that I said, let's do it again. And then, wait, let's do it a third time. So, Amber, thank you for...

For everything, for everything, because I'm going to just tell everybody, we had this conversation. It was so great. We did. I said, that was the best thing I'll hear all day. And no one will never be able to recreate the magic of what we had, but we are going to embrace that because you have a very okay thing to share with us today that I think, and I don't want to oversell this,

I think it could really change people's hearts and minds. You know, it doesn't take much at this point. You know, when you're searching for something that says, am I going to be okay? And I need someone to tell me that it's at least okay. The bar is very low. So I do feel like I can at least step over that very low bar. The bar is so low. You are, you're an American. I'm an American. We know the bar is...

The bar is gone. Okay. So we have to dig up the bar. So we can... We have dug in the hole and put it underneath. Mm-hmm. That's where the bar is. We have to look for the bar and then find it. No one has seen the bar in a minute. No, not any time. Our goal today is simply to find the bar and then see if we could...

creep over it slowly. And I think we can. Yes, I do. And I think it's fitting because this story really has to do with creatures that crawl on dirt and make it grimy. And, you know, I think that that really brings us home because what we discussed before, again, is that what I want to talk to you about today is not our Lord and Savior, but it is about geese.

It's geese. Geese. And they are everywhere pooping. Everywhere. Everywhere. My children and my niece called a park near our neighborhood Goose Poop Park because you could not walk on the grass. And sometimes I would, and I would think, oh, they aerated it? You know, like how sometimes they, you know... Oh, yeah. It's those little tubey things? Yes. And you think, wow, they really care about this park. And then you realize...

No, that's not aeration. That's goose crap. There it is. And we like to treat it, you know, I think a lot of us like to maybe treat it like a little fun obstacle course that we didn't have to pay for and try to sidestep it because getting it on your shoes is also disgusting. So I think this just is a great entry into the fact that geese, if they do something for us... I do eat animals, but I am...

And this is probably an offensive thing to say to a vegetarian, but it's like I'm picky about the animals I eat because I don't want to eat something ugly. And that's why I don't eat fish.

Yes. Well, I would say again, if I'm missing the point of geese, I know they fly. I know they go places, they come back, but really I just know that they poop on things and it's slimy and gross and- And they'll fight you. That they're mean. Yes. And that they're mean. Yeah. Real mean. And that they travel in groups. Yes. Packs or- Packs. Gaggles. Gaggles. And there's apparently on-

birdfact.com, a whole post called Collective Nouns for Geese, What's the Official Terms? And there's a lot of them. So you could go and find your best one. I really found this one amusing, which is a plump of geese. Usually I just hear gaggle, but a plump of geese. Apparently different nouns depending on if they are flying or swimming or

harassing people in the street. I don't know what that word is, but, and that's about why they're bad. The whole point of this is to talk about why I'm okay with geese. And so let's, let's address that. Shall we? Yes. So I don't remember how long it's been since this has given me, hope seems like a strong word, but I,

Happiness. We'll say happiness. The possibility of hope. You know, we're running through a rough year where we say not hope, but it's not hope. That's too strong. That's too strong a word.

But they give me the possibility that I could be hopeful again. Okay. And, and what it has to do is when I am in a public locale, often when I am driving, sometimes in my neighborhood, it might be, you know, on a couple lane road, but especially when it's on a multi-lane road. And I see a large group of geese, geese,

meandering, ambling, a plump of geese, gaggling along. And they are in no hurry and they will not be bothered. You cannot hurry them. You cannot rush them. You cannot feebly advance your car and hope that it will urge them into urgency. They just will do what they want. And

Despite the fact that they are mean, poopy, and I don't know what they do for us, somehow people still do not just accelerate over them. And even sometimes they will join with each other to help get the geese safely across the street. And I don't know why. Like, I...

We don't have to. We know just kill them. But we don't as humanity. And the most recent time that this really stuck out with me, I was driving to Target as one does. My daughter was in the car and it was a six lane situation, you know, three going one way, three going the other way.

and it was backed up on both sides because geese were kind of midway through both sets of traffic and a very large truck with some camo situation. A man had parked that truck and then I mean yes we were all parked in the middle of the street but he committed to it because he got out of his vehicle and he was stopping cars and directing traffic and kind of I guess

I guess as one might do with cattle, you know, with his arm kind of like a whooping motion to get the geese across the street. Oh, he's hurting. Everyone was listening. Yes, people were doing what he told them to do. Everyone. Lots of cars for these geese. Yeah. Everyone cooperating. Yes. Saying we got to get these geese off the road.

for why to let them go poop in another field. I don't know. Yeah. They have to get to Target too. They've got their own errands to run. They have many things to spend money on and wonder later, what did I just buy? Just that moment where you think there has to still be some good in the world that we are letting

these geese direct our time and our traffic in our big cars, um, that we don't have to be run over, you know, we, we can just stop and let this happen. Um, my fear one day is, is that a car will not do that. And then I will not have hope again, but for so, for so far,

That has not happened. Yeah. Yeah. Same. Same. I've never seen somebody accelerate into a gaggle or a gang or a plump of geese. I have only seen people give up.

Yeah.

birds in the world, even if it's not on – it's not even ranking on birdfact.com has a ranking of popular birds. Oh, no. I didn't know that. I went right to the rankings, baby. This is my new favorite website. I can't believe –

They're not anywhere on this list. I'm down to 67, 68, 70. Oh, wow. 70. I'm not seeing... I'm seeing a red-legged partridge and a common rose finch. I've yet to see a goose. People are not fans. They're not in the top 100. And I'm going to say I'm a little...

The rose-ringed parakeet is number 100? Are you kidding me? That seems a little... Oh, man, they show where the rankings... These are birds I've never heard of. Adjusted. And they're still ranking higher than a common goose. And they're ranking higher than a common goose. No one...

No one wants a common goose. Like there's someone out there, and if this is you, show yourself. If you know the purpose of a goose, if you're a goose fanatic, yes, we want you to call in. However, I also want to set a hard boundary here. If you've seen somebody intentionally run over a goose, we don't want to know. We don't want to know that. We want to believe in the goodness of people, even in the face of geese. Yeah.

Even in the face of geese, we, you know, you, you have to find your places to hold on to hope. Yep. Like feelings. Yes. To hold on to what could approximate okayness. Yep. And you just, you hold it real, real tight. You hold it real tight. And today it's.

goose crossings. It is. Where do you live? Where are the geese right now in your neck of the woods? Are they gone? Are they coming back? I've seen them recently. I don't know that they're ever gone. I can't think of a time when I've been like, you know what I haven't seen for a while? Geese. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing that ever makes geese sound

great, is the Mary Oliver poem, Wild Geese. That's the only poetic version of a goose I've ever interacted with. I'm like, oh yeah, wild geese. Yeah, over and over announcing your place in the order of things. And yet, you know, they're best viewed from a distance.

Yes. But she may have been on to something here. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, now that you say it, and maybe this is just climate change, which is not a road we want to go down right now because we're trying to hold on to the hope-adjacent feelings right now. We don't want- Hope-ish. Hope-ish. Hope-ish. Yeah. When I lived in Minnesota, I felt like there was never a season migrating, I'm good here, I'm staying. Right.

I'm going to raise my family here. I got a good rate on my mortgage. Like I just, the people don't run over me. Maybe there's other places where they do, but I seem very safe here. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so you were going to tell me where you are, where are you?

I'm in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. I've heard really good things about Richmond, Virginia. One of my friends just moved there. She's loving it. Well, delightful. I've been here longer than anywhere in my life. And it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. Hey, look, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Fine is good. It's fine. Geese, TBD, but not running over a goose. That is pretty cool. That's pretty okay.

And what I will say about this is that when this happens, I only do it safely. So if I'm actively driving, I don't do it. But as I've mentioned, many times you have the opportunity to stop because they aren't moving very slowly. And so often I will take a picture of the geese in the road.

with the stopped vehicles. And I have enough friends and children that know about this thing for me. And so they will sometimes get a picture with no words. That's just a picture of geese in the road as a way of me saying, it's going to be okay. Yeah. You're like, look, they're still here and we're still not running them over. Yeah.

Don't run him over. It's the little things. At least for today, we're going to be okay. It's the little things. That was beautiful. Amber, thank you for letting me call you not once, not twice, but three times. Third time's the charm. Third time's the charm. And if you needed me to send you a goose picture, just let me know. Please do. Please do. If you're having a rough day. Text me some goose pics now. I want you to go through your camera roll. I need some goose pics.

At least one. I'll see. I tend to delete them because they're a little embarrassing. If you're like, why do you have goose pictures on your phone? I don't have anything else embarrassing. That's such good digital hygiene. Yeah. If I die and my family goes through my – they're going to be like, what the – like they're going to try to piece together who I am. I'm unknowable for my camera roll. I can tell you that much.

I am. I would love if somebody looked through my camera roll and there was a high ratio of random goose pictures because if you happen to listen to this conversation. Yes. So if you find a phone, it's unlocked, you go through it, there's a lot of goose pics. It belongs to Amber. Return that. Amber, there you go. Please return to sender.

Oh, God. Thank you so much. I'm going to double, triple check. You've got to be mother f***ing kidding me. No. No. No. No. Okay. Now it says fine. Now it says it's fine.

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Hey, Nora. This is Elizabeth Gross. Hi. Sorry. The phone didn't ring when you called, and so I just missed it. I just saw your voicemail. I got a voicemail notification. Anyways, tell me everything.

Okay. So the theme again is what's something bright to look forward to, like a little bit of optimism? Yeah. It's like there's – obviously, is everything going to be okay? No. A great many things will not be. But there is something like small in our days, in our worlds that reminds us like let's –

That's the okay thing. So I want to hear what yours is. Yeah, that is. And it's hearing my children laughing. It's the absolute chaos and hell of having two children under five years old. But hearing them laughing, hearing them start to play with each other, I have...

a four-year-old who will be going on five. She was a COVID baby. There's various trauma associated with that, but her brother is one now and he's just starting to be able to like, you know, interact and do cute kid-like things. Yes, and make her laugh and-

And like, I feel like that's the age where you're like, okay, now I'm seeing a person. It's not a baby anymore. Now I'm seeing a person come out and the combination of,

uh, I don't, do you ever feel like you're like, okay, I'm so overstimulated. They're yelling at each other. They're both asking for something and then they crack each other up and you're like, okay. Like, yeah, right. They're, they're kind of, they're starting to get there. They're not quite there yet, but I think when, you know, give it another year and get like full into the toddler mode and we'll be, we'll be there for sure. Yeah. Our two youngest are four years apart and it's,

Uh, it's funny because sometimes it's like no time at all. And sometimes it's like such a big gap. And, but I like, I do love, I love the sound of unselfconscious laughter. Right. Right. Yeah. And that's, that's,

That's the big one. And that totally relates back to, you know, you can be in your darkest moment, but you hear a child laugh. You hear somebody say something positive. That's it really pulls you out of it. I was reading your voicemail before I called you back and you mentioned something about taking care of yourself as well. Yeah. Yeah. So I just started on the ZepBounce injections last week.

And that's something that I have had a whole lot of anxiety about starting, you know, just related to different things. But it's also giving me a whole lot of hope because it honestly feels like the fountain of youth in a shot. So when I've struggled my entire life with weight concerns, with health issues related to that,

you know, reading these forums where people are like, oh yeah, I took off under a hundred pounds in 10 months and my life is completely different and beautiful. And it's like, oh, okay. Yeah. I'll, I'll try that out and see. So how long have you been doing it?

Just for over a week now. So, yeah. And you already feel better? I'm starting to see something. Yeah. I'm starting to feel better. And it's, yeah, like the feeling of having high blood sugar is really, really crappy. Yeah. Yeah, it is. And having that go away is kind of amazing. So that's been the big one. How does it feel different in your body even a weekend? Yeah.

I would say I have like kind of a lighter feeling. I have more, you know, more pride about existing. That's the big one. And, you know, just feeling more comfortable.

attuned to things and you know I don't have the guilt associated with food and I don't have the guilt associated with feeling all sluggish and crappy so that's that's a good one but it's you know it's more of a health thing than anything else because like I don't need to like be glam for anybody at the moment I'm not doing this to like look have this perfect influencer body but I'm just trying to be

you know, be there for my kids. And that's,

you know, and break three generations of deaths in my family that have happened in parents. So that's the big, yeah. Yeah. What a gift. What a gift. Yeah. Yeah. My grandmother died in her fifties of a heart attack when my dad was 14. My dad died at 61 of a stroke and I'm not going to be the third one. So that's the goal. You know, it's also, I think it's, there's something to also just like,

You said like, oh, this pride in being alive. That's such a powerful feeling. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, I mean, it's got its ups and downs. There are side effects and there's, you know, it did mess with me a little bit in terms of some of my mental health stuff in the beginning. But I think it's a process and it's something you have to just kind of deal with and grow into as well. Yeah.

Well, I'm excited for you. I'm excited for you to not die. That's pretty great. That's pretty great. Okay. So years ago, here's your other fun soundbite. Years ago, somebody told me before my first weight loss attempt,

I did like the whole keto thing and I lost a bunch of weight on that, but it was kind of, I don't know. It was annoying. It doesn't sound fun. Anytime I hear the word keto. It's very deprive-y. Yeah. I think, I think, I don't know what it means, but I know I don't want to know. It's not fun, but I did that whole thing. And this random woman that I knew from a

a different organization in my community she came up to me and she said i thought you were going to follow your father to the grave and here i'm i'm a 22 year old kid at the time like oh cool thank you i guess okay all right what a conversation starter um

Uh-huh. Thanks so much. Well, I'm not dead yet. Thank you for noticing. Not dead yet. Yeah. It's been two years. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Cool. So you don't have to eat keto. You don't have to feel these huge blood sugar spikes. Right. I have a friend who started, I don't know what product it is. I know there's several different compounds or brands, but she said that for the first time in her entire life-

Like there's not like ongoing food chatter in her head. Yeah. And it's, I mean, it's not quite there yet because it's still the lowest dose, but I can tell that it's there in the background. And when I'm, you know, able to like eat three meals and protein and stuff and not be sitting here with a bag of food.

chocolates from Christmas, just like eating and eating. That's the silence of the food noise. I think that's where that comes in. So it's cool. Liz, thank you for calling me back and then answering the phone. When I call back, playing a little phone tag with me. Yeah. Well, thank you. You're such a celebrity. I love it. It's cool to hear your voice on this end. It's like, wow, I'm listening to you on the radio. Oh, God. Well, thank you, Liz. Have a good one.

You too. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Hi, there's Suzanne. Hi, Anne. It's Nora McInerney. Hi. It's so good to hear from you. This is amazing. Oh, I am so glad. I want you to tell me what makes you feel like it's going to be okay.

So, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I'm a social worker in the NICU, so I see people on, I see people on their worst, some of their worst days, if not their worst days, and some of their best days, and it's a place of hope that's very removed from kind of

It's obviously impacted by politics and things like that, but it's very removed. And it's a lot of like seeing the miracles of science and things like that. And then related to that, I have my own NICU story because I was born at 26 and a half weeks, 30 years ago. So I've kind of been able to see

see how science has caught up and I'm just I'm impressed by that constantly so that's kind of the present but then um I also think about how kind of I think about my past and I I lost my two remaining grandparents within a year of each other and um my one grandfather was a physician

And so I feel very connected to him doing the work I do. But then I kind of, I look at their lives. And for example, my grandfather lost his dad very young. My other grandmother, her family struggled with like mental illness and things like that. And I just see these two people that live these very, very long lives.

and kind of were able to adapt to changes in the world and kind of flow kind of roll with the punches so kind of that that's kind of that thinking of them and kind of honoring them is helped me in the day-to-day because it shows that humans are resilient and that um

that things change in the world and that we adapt as much as we can. And we do feel pain, we do feel hurt, but we adapt and kind of you have to find the humor in things for sure. And that's something I carry with me from both of them.

I mean, it's really incredible to think that a baby who was in the NICU 30 years ago is now a woman who walks into that space. And like you said, you are meeting people on either the greatest day of their life or the hardest or one of the hardest days of their lives. And that's really, that's an incredible journey. Yeah.

Yes, it is. And it's amazing to see the kind of changes. And I'm, to be quite honest, I'm a person that does not like to be the center of attention. I don't like to kind of, I don't like to self-promote. So it makes me uncomfortable to think like I'm

I kind of, do you know what I mean? Like I, that I can, I can represent hope for people, but that's what a lot of people have said, but I feel super, I'm still grappling with that and kind of where does that fit? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think it, cause it has to be so hard to see parents who don't get the miracle. Right. And like, cause not everyone does. And yeah,

And you mentioned one of your grandparents that you lost was a physician. Yeah. And so you learned a lot from watching him move through the world. Tell me about the other grandparent.

So my other grandparent, she was a single mom. And one time I counted the number of jobs she had, and it was about 10. Because she had to just kind of adapt, constantly adapt. And she was constantly just making sure my dad was okay. She was very, very...

just very all about my dad's well-being. And so she worked a variety. She was a bus driver. She worked in Congress. She just kind of did what had to be done. And that's a very, it's not always the easiest way to live, but I think it teaches you a lot of resilience. Wow. What a cool,

What a cool lady. Sorry, you just dropped that she was a bus driver and worked in Congress. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I think it's such a good reminder, too, that life is a wild ride. Yes, it is for sure. You know? Like, you don't think –

When you have a baby in the NICU or when you're kind of in any kind of crisis, you really are living like minute to minute. And it's hard to imagine that you could look up in 30 years and that baby who's hooked up to all of those cords and tubes is going to be walking into that same room ready to help.

Yes, yes. And I think there is something to be said when we choose work that is so personal. Yeah. It's great. And it's also...

It feels very personal. So I see every family and I think of my family, like how would I want them to be treated? So that's kind of a, that's an honor to be quite honest, to be able to give care to people that I want my family to have. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and I just have to say like, that's, you're giving me an okay thing for today with this phone call too, because that is such a beautiful way to put it. And it is, it really is an honor to be there for people's, you know, moments and to be, you know, an unexpected source of okay for them in, in, in times where it, it,

isn't okay. And it might not be okay. And to choose to keep showing up in that space, knowing that not everything works out for everybody is really powerful. So thank you for doing that work. I can tell that that's the kind of energy that I would want if I were in the NICU. You know what I mean? And I did it. I had a baby in the NICU for a

strange, scary thing too. Especially for first time parents. I was like, can I hold him? Is that allowed? Am I, is this my baby? I'm not sure. It just, it's so scary. It's so scary. So thank you for, thank you for doing that work and thank you for sharing it with us. Yeah, you're welcome. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You have a good day, Anne. Thank you so much for, for everything. Okay. You too. All right. Bye, Anne. Bye.

That was beautiful. I love taking these calls. I love hearing what makes people feel like it's going to be okay. And I love, love, love people who show up to be the okay for somebody else that is such deeply important work. So if you are a social worker, thank you. Thank you. If you're a person who is working in the NICU, thank you. If you're a person who's

work intersects with people's, you know, worst days, which, you know, and I think anybody who's ever worked in, you know, customer service can also tell you that, right? You just don't know. And everybody is going through something. So thank you, Anne, for calling in and sharing that with us. Let's get ready for our next call.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Thanks for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co that's feelings and co there's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.

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Hello. Hi, it's Nora McInerney. You have to tell me what's going to be okay. Tell me about it. Yeah. I'm like, wow, I picked a good one, didn't I? Because holy moly, I don't know. Do I know? Yeah. I have been thinking about this, obviously, since I signed up for the spot. And I

my kiddo is the first thing that comes to mind just because I'm like, see so much hope and everything in him, but then I'm like, Oh, is everything going to be okay for him? Not everything. Yeah. Nope. I know. So I think what really sticks with me, I've been really into like learning about death do was and I'm reading a little Arthur's book and just,

the inevitability of which sounds so, Oh, that's not going to be okay. But it's like, no, that's what makes it okay to be in the present is the fact that we're not going to be here forever. And as dark and as morbid as that is, it's like, that's the one thing I know for sure. And it makes me just appreciate the present and,

And I was like, wow, I don't know if that's a good – it's going to be okay. But we're all going to die, so it's going to be okay. Yeah, though. Yeah. Because I think we – very few of us live with that presence and that awareness even though we know, right? Like we know. Yeah. But we keep it in the back of our brain. And when you keep it in the front of your brain –

It is such a reminder like, okay, do I really care? Do I really care? Exactly. And yes, we do care about big things. We care about other people. That's not what we're saying. But am I going to get caught up in every horrible thought and anxiety that I have? Exactly. Probably not. When I can live with that awareness –

And it's kind of rare, right? But when I can keep my eye on that, I am less likely to spiral down. Yes. Right? I don't know. I think that makes sense. Yeah. It's like my husband has a hard time whenever I bring up death and stuff. He's like, I don't like to think about it. And I'm like,

It is a fine line because it's obviously like you don't want to live in that like fear, but you also like holding on to that, like just the, it's inevitable. So what, like you accept it, like it just is an acceptance that you have to come to terms with, I feel like. Yeah. And to me, it does not have to be like, it doesn't have to be a scary thing. Right. How old is your kid?

He is six. Six. Okay. Yeah. I have an eight-year-old now. And does your kid ask a lot about death? Oh yeah. And I'm sick a lot. And so he's been around me in the hospital and my mom in the hospital and he was a NICU when he was born. And so he's well-versed in the fact that

People are fragile. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. And I was so afraid of death. Were you afraid of death when you were younger? Yes. And I honestly, so in my teens, actually, I was like, oh, I want to die young. I can't like this place is awful, like whatever. And then as soon as he was here, I was like, oh my God, like I don't want to miss out on a single thing. And then like that fear came flooding back and it is,

scary just the I know he's gonna grieve if something were to happen to me but it's like that just again makes me focus on the present and like telling him everything that I want to tell him and not holding on to the little things and yeah yeah yeah I uh I walk out

a similarly fine line with my kids. I will say it is thrilling to me when they go through our house and say like, now when you die, I'm going to take this. Yes. And Ian takes this. Like, I love that. I'm like, yes, thank you. I love knowing.

What you guys want, right? I love knowing these little treasures in our house that really would not mean anything to another person. I love that. I love that they can speak about that without the panic.

And I don't think that embracing the finite nature of life has to be nihilistic or has to be frightening. I do think that it can be incredibly comforting. And that's not – this is a surprising phone call, but I'm on board with you.

Oh, that makes me, I was like, I hope this isn't too dark. No. Only thing that's been bringing me peace, which sounds so weird. Yeah. But it's, it, yeah. And he'll, he's actually been talking more about like, oh, well, when you die, when I'm, I think he's, at first he said 20. I was like, I hope I don't die when you're 20. But if that were to happen, he told me. But 20 feels so old when you're six. He's like, yeah, that'll be a good age. I know. Yeah. That's what, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, okay. Oh, God. Yeah. Is this like a prophecy? Don't say that, child. Seriously. That's exactly what I've been like, oh, man, he knows more than I do. I can tell. Yeah. He's like, I've been thinking a lot about your impending death.

Yes. In 14 years, TikTok mother, just so you know. And my husband's just like shivering in the corner like, oh my gosh, please stop talking about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. And I do, I don't know. I find comfort in that too. I really do. It's like, and I think doing that work to have acceptance of that before it's too late, right? Before it's too urgent, that will help

your son, that will help your family. Like you are doing the like future work right now. Right. Yeah. I really, it's different than how I was raised. Like we just, you don't talk about it kind of thing because it brings up bad feelings, I guess for some people. But as I've gotten older and I've experienced like random unexpected deaths around people and whatnot, it's, it's something that,

yeah, it's the one thing we're all guaranteed. So why wouldn't we talk about it and embrace it almost? Yeah, no, I think so too. Do you think about your like funeral at all? I do not as much, like I've wrestled with that actually. Cause I'm like, well, I kind of want, like, it's not for me. I mean, it is, but it's also like, I think more of like, if I were to

get sick and it be like a long process and not like an unexpected thing, then I think more about how I would want that to go than I do the actual funeral planning part. But I feel like that is something that I'm feeling like I should probably start to put into place. Like, Hey, if this were to ever happen, maybe this would take a lot off of you guys to have to figure out. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, um, what do you think happens after we die? Oh man. Um,

This is another one that I wrestle with. I think that we are definitely, like a friend of mine passed away when he was going to be about to be 23. And I know that I still feel him around. There are things that I'm like, oh, like, and even my kids, he's been like, oh, do I do that thing? Does it remind you of Eric? And I'm like, whoa, why would you say that? And I'm like, oh.

Like, okay. Like, I think that whether or not there's a heaven, I don't know. But I think that we're definitely, we get to still be around and be witness to, like, the people that we love. And they get to feel us still. Or at least that's what brings me peace. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I...

I love that your son even like feels this connection with somebody who he never met. I think that's really powerful. I do think that kind of speaks to, you know, like the infinite nature. There is something in us that is infinite and unknowable and knowable all at the same time. And that is, that is proof of it, you know? Right. Yeah. It's like, otherwise are we really just here and then gone? Like, yeah, I just,

And that could be the case, but I don't like to think about that. I would rather think about like, as long as there are people, kind of like a Coco type

you know, a D.A. De La Smorto thing, like where as long as we're remembered, we're still here kind of thing. So I think that's such a great, that's such a great movie. It's a great kids movie. It really is. Yes. And it's, it's so powerful for adults too. Oh yeah. I love having a good cry to Coco. Exactly. It's a good cry movie. It's good. It does normalize it. Like it's, it's, it's so important to have, you know,

like ritual around like grief and loss too, so that it's not so scary. I think the scary thing is just thinking like, oh, this is it. And then it's over and you missed it. You just get this

you know, one shot and then there's nothing else. And in that sense to me, that was always like a scary thought. And I do, similarly to you, I do feel like there's just something that sticks around. Like I do feel like we stick, like that connection is never really severed. And

then that does feel like it's going to be okay. It really does. So thank you. This was such a lovely call. Yeah. I appreciate you calling and giving us all the space to talk to you about things like this because your podcast has really helped get through some rough times. Well, I couldn't do without you. So thank you so much. And you may now drive your car.

Thank you. I'm going to therapy. So there we go. It's going to be okay. Oh my God. Perfect. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Don't be late. Yes. Don't be late. You don't get extra minutes. Okay. Bye. Exactly. All right. Bye.

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Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person you're trying to reach is not available. At the tone. I'm trying to call people to ask them what makes them feel like it's going to be okay. Every single person in my life is sending me to voicemail. Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me?

Oh, I wasn't here for two, two people. I'm, you know, Tuesdays I record the podcast. I'm recording like the prompt this week was what makes you feel like it's going to be okay. And then the, the person was supposed to take this time slot. Um, I like called and she was like, actually, I'm not okay right now. I'm at the hospital. I was like, okay, bye. So I'm literally your, you're a Hail Mary. You've got to tell me something that makes you feel like it's going to be okay.

I'm recording. Yeah, yeah. You're being recorded right now. It's only a one-party consent state, but I will tell you. I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. I've been recording every part of this phone call. So thank God we didn't say anything. Brittany, are you recording? Are you recording? Let's see. What makes me feel like it's going to be okay? That's a great question. Well, let me think. Not much, but...

It's bleak out here. We got to like dig deep. Okay. I feel like what makes me feel like it's going to be okay is even in, even like how bleak it is, even in how bad it is, when someone, you know, sends you, every time you like get a meme or like a TikTok from someone that like,

Makes you think like, oh my God. Yes. Like, I'm glad this person sent it to me. And it's this shared thing of like, we are both exist on this earth together and we both find this thing funny or true. And you're like, okay, I'm not alone. Yes. Like,

I think this is, like, a really lonely time. And I think we're, like, I don't know, like, you know, like, I'd like to experience something precedented for one. But I think the thing that I love the most is that, like, even when you're, like, feeling alone, you're not alone. And every time you, like, connect with somebody, whether it's over something, like, super funny or, like, something not funny. But even if it's something that you're both, like, holy shit, what the fuck about? Mm-hmm.

It's still the shared experience. That's like, this is not just you. Yeah. That's like the thing. It's like, there's still, there still can be like humor and connection. Like when things are really bad, you're really never like alone. Yeah. Yeah. Even when you feel like you are and they're still making America's funniest home videos.

Are they? They are. They're calling it AFV. The fact that they're still doing that when we have TikTok is – Did they just pull them from TikTok? I think people are still sending them in. I have to say they're pulling some from TikTok, but I think people are still sending them in. And I think that –

Is a testament to human resilience. The fact that they're like, you could go scroll and take a risk with the algorithm. And put this on TV for you. And we're going to have the laughter of a live studio audience. Because when you hear someone else crack up, it does kind of, it can be contagious. It can be contagious. I feel that way. When you send me something and you say, watch this now, I know I'm going to lull.

And that's why I say watch this now. There are some things I'll send and I don't preface it. It's like you can watch it or you can not watch it. But if I need you to watch it, I make you watch it. Yeah. And that is that's like this connection through time and space for us to be like we're both walling at the same time at the same place. Where are you right now? Exactly. I'm walking Lottie outside. Is it cold? She and a dog are in a little stand. I thought that cold out. Okay.

It's not that cold out. Lottie makes me feel like I have a good one. Lottie makes me feel like it's going to be okay too. Cause every day I have to get up and my whole entire, she, I'm her entire world. Yeah.

Like I'm this dog's entire world. And so for me, I'm like, well, like if my whole life is falling apart, the least I can do is maintain some consistency for this animal. Okay. People say that golden doodles are really smart, but they've never played hide and seek with one. And that's when you realize. That's so true. Like a lot of you are so smart. She's very smart. She has a sense of humor and not a dog does. Sometimes you meet a dog and you're like this dog.

Does not love. Doesn't like comedy. This dog is not funny. I've met a few unfunny dogs. Yeah, she is. Lottie is really funny. Lottie has it.

sense of humor from me. Right, Lottie? I think she does. Yeah. I think she does. Well, you're always my okay thing. And thank you for answering the phone. I can't say the same thing for my husband or my daughter. So my mom answered just to tell me. My mom answered just to say, I'm with Mary. She's writing a letter because you know my mom's having all the, you know the drama that's happening with her building. So she's got, she's a lawyer. She's lawyered up.

Okay. Isn't she trying to move? I think so. Who knows? It's a saga. She is. And I can't – it's a saga and now my mom's lawyered up, so we can't speak about it. Okay. Oh, wow. There's like a gag order. There's a gag order. She was like, I have to call you back. We're writing a strongly worded letter. Wow. I would – I don't want to get a strongly worded letter from anyone. No, no one does. Especially –

Not, not madam. No, no, no, no. I do not want a strong and her. Oh my God. I do not want, I don't want to be. No. Here's what 70 year old women have time for strongly where it is. Oh,

They've got the time and they will write that letter. They will write that letter and you will believe them. You will believe them. You will read this letter. Okay. I love you. Thank you for answering. You're an angel. I love you too. We'll talk soon. Okay. Bye. Bye.

Okay. So that's us. That's us making it's going to be okay. Obviously not everything is going to be okay. In fact, most things won't be, but I welcome all of you to share an okay thing with me to call text anytime 612-568-4441. It's

It's going to be okay. Used to be a daily show. We are not making it as a daily show anymore, but I do want to still take the time to find and share the okay things in our worlds, no matter how small, no matter how silly, they're all sincerely okay. So call me, share them when you have them, and maybe they'll end up in an episode.

I'm Nora McInerney. This was Thanks for Asking. It is going to be okay, but what is the it? The it is different. It's different for all of us. It's different every day. Sometimes it's geese. Sometimes it's death. Funny enough. Is it funny enough? I don't know if that's funny enough. I feel like it's funny enough.

This is an independent podcast. We exist because of you, our viewers, our listeners. This episode was produced by Marcel Malikibu. Our theme music is by Secret Audio. And we are a production of Feelings & Co., where you can get most of your feelings.

This episode was made possible by our supporting producers. Supporting producers are the people who support us at the highest level over on our Substack. That's noraborealis.substack.com. That's where you can get full podcast episodes, our entire back catalog, and more, so much more. All of my work is over there. And our supporting producers are...

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Oh, boy, that jumped.

I still don't know how to say it. I'm sorry. I'm butchering. It's a beautiful name. Crystal Mann, Bonnie Robinson, Lauren Hanna, Shannon Dominguez-Stevens, Kathy Hamm, Aaron John or Jan? John? I don't know. Penny Pesta, Inga...

Courtney McGowan.

Jeremy Essin, Kim F., Lindsay Lund, Jessica Latexler, Alexis Lane, Stephanie Johnson, Robin Roulard, Jackie Ryder, Jill McDonald, Beth Lipham, Ilya Feliz, Milian, Dave Gilmore, Laura Savoy. Okay, I guess we're having that sound right now. Chelsea Cernik, Jen Grimlin, Micah Ann H. That's it. Those are all of them. Thank you so much for being here and we'll see you soon. I don't know what's happening outside the door.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Things for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.