Help Me Remember
44:41 Share

This episode is brought to you by The Hartford, a leading provider of employee benefits and income protection products that is dedicated to standing behind U.S. workers to help them pursue their goals and get through tough times. For more information about The Hartford, visit thehartford.com slash employee benefits. We've also got a link in our show notes. This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher.

a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

A quick warning that this episode contains references to sex, suicide, and some strong language, even though in this episode I am not the person swearing. Here we go. John, what did you have for breakfast this morning? I stopped at a donut shop by one of my schools and had a donut. Our producer Hans started this interview with the Parada family the same way we start all of our interviews. All right. Grace, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Toast. Toast.

Was it delicious? Sort of. We love using this question because it's informative and because it's a tradition in public radio to get your levels by asking, Nora, what did you have for breakfast this morning? I had breakfast at 2 p.m. and I had five pieces of toast with Nutella. Nutritional. Very nutritional. That last one is me. I'm Nora McInerney. I am an adult who ate five pieces of Nutella toast for breakfast at 2 p.m.,

And you're listening to Terrible. Thanks for asking. Dawn, how about you? What did you have for breakfast this morning? I don't remember, which is common. And this is Dawn. Say that for me one more time, Dawn. What did you have for lunch yesterday? I absolutely have no idea.

Now, I had a baby a few weeks ago, so if I were to answer that question and say, I don't remember, everyone would just laugh and say, mom brain, which is actually a thing, but I prefer to call it momnesia because it's more clever. We all laugh at memory. We joke about fuzzy brains and forgetfulness and how we'd forget our head if it weren't attached, or in my case, the wallet, on top of your car more than once.

But Dawn is different. She really actually can't remember her breakfast or her lunch from yesterday or from any day before that. Not any day since June of 2015. I have a statement wrote out to say...

So I am a nurse. I was injured by a patient while working and this injury resulted in a brain injury that I live with and struggle with every day. And so I can't explain it and I don't know why, but some things I can remember and a lot of things I can't. Do you remember the injury? Not really.

What we do know is what Dawn told her husband, John. I remember the day she came home and kind of described to me what happened. When she told me that she had gotten hit on the head and that she had hit the sink and she had hit the toilet and hit the floor and got knocked out. I used to work in neuro and I was very concerned with any head injury. But for my wife, I was very concerned that they would just send her home and not send her to the emergency room to be checked out.

So, John took her into the emergency room. By the time they got there, Dawn had already forgotten what happened to her. And it was up to John to tell the doctors what Dawn had told him just a few hours before. I want to say we were there probably six or seven hours in the emergency room, just getting x-rays done and waiting for things like that. What did the CT scan show?

With the brain injuries, they usually don't show much, so they said there's some evidence that there might have been, there was a contusion, but there was no bleed or anything like that. It was just a bruising of the brain. Ultimately, Don was given a series of diagnoses, including PTSD and traumatic brain injury, also known as TBI. TBI indicates damage to the head that results in damage to the brain.

It covers everything from slight concussions to gunshot wounds. And the effects and likelihood of recovery are all over the map as well. Some people recover quickly, others are severely disabled for the rest of their lives, and some people die. TBI has gotten some attention in the last couple years because of football and the effects of repeated head injuries. But I think most people don't realize how common they can be outside of professional sports.

According to the Center for Disease Control, in 2010, there were 2.5 million visits to ERs and hospitals in the U.S., and more than 50,000 deaths from traumatic brain injuries. But this episode is not about Dawn's incident. It's not about the blow or maybe blows to her head that started her down this path. For what we are going to talk about, it doesn't matter how she was injured, and it doesn't really matter what you call it.

What matters is that whatever happened that day in 2015 has affected Dawn and her family every day since and may affect them for the rest of their lives. So we heard about Dawn's situation when she wrote us an email. Actually, she wrote us a few emails because she didn't remember she'd already sent one and she couldn't remember if they said what she wanted them to say. Some of them she asked her husband John to read and then she'd need to send a correction email to add more information.

And her repeated emails all said the same thing, but slightly differently. That she and her family were grieving the loss of Dawn. Dawn, who's still alive. We didn't know quite what the story was. We just knew that we wanted to hear it. So we asked Dawn to come in with her family. Dawn and I meet in the lobby of our studios at Minnesota Public Radio.

I am five minutes late, which is like 15 minutes early for me. I'm a complete mess because I raced to the studio from my home where I've been pinned down under a newborn baby who never wants me to get any work done. And Dawn is put together. She's wearing makeup and a fashionable mix of layers that are appropriate for a Minnesota winter. And she has a combination of wonder and trepidation on her face. Like she wants to do a good job at whatever's going to happen today.

She is prepared. I was concerned about coming today and I tried to make all sorts of notes about things that have happened or things I should tell you guys. Dawn's notes are piles of paper with scenes from her story written out. They're anecdotes and examples that she wanted to share with us. They're post-its hanging from pages, stacks of calendars with post-it notes peeking out.

She'd printed our producer Hans' email with directions to the studio, then hand-copied the directions onto a note card. She had written a reminder in her calendar to leave work to come meet us. And even then... And honestly, one of my co-workers came by my desk and she said, Dawn, why are you still here? And I said, well, I'm working. And she said, no, it takes 20 minutes to drive home. You need to go home because you're going to the cities today, remember? Yeah.

And then I had to look at my computer and all my sticky notes and it's like, yes, I need to leave. And I know that sounds pathetic, but that's how it is. Oh, here, I even, I wear makeup today. I usually don't wear makeup. And I even made a note to put makeup on for you guys. Seeing Dawn in person like this is like seeing her emails come to life. She's here to explain to us what is happening to her, to her family, to prove that it's real.

She always says, "Help me remember or remind me." "Don't let me forget." "Yeah, don't let me forget." We all file into one of our biggest studios, where we sit around a large table so we can all see one another. Dawn has asked her family to be honest, and the discomfort around that honesty is immediately apparent. John sits on the opposite side of the room from his wife. He closes his eyes when she speaks.

Their 12-year-old daughter, Grace, spins in her chair uncomfortably, her eyes darting from her mother to her father. 11-year-old Faith, who has autism and is very nervous to speak to me, pulls her knees to her chest and lowers her head. Dawn sits next to me and gets started. So I have notes. I've had approximately 162 medical appointments for this injury.

And that was just with one provider. I'm still hoping for improvement, but it's, I don't know. I don't know what's going to come. So anyways. Dawn's calendars are stacked in front of her. I have these calendars and they make them for me at brain therapy or at the rehab center. She pages through these notes nervously as we speak. And she brought these things as evidence. You don't need evidence unless you're trying to prove something.

You don't need to prove something unless people doubt you. And I know a lot of people say, well, I use a calendar or I need to write notes. And I don't think the average person gets how involved it is. It's hard to understand what is happening to Dawn because people don't typically see it. I work really hard to hide that I have this. You know, it's not like, you know, my arm got cut off or my leg cut off. My brain is injured. So I try to look pretty together on the outside. ♪

On the outside, Dawn is a woman with a job and a family. Her injury means that she doesn't work with patients anymore, but she's a woman.

We get support from FOREA and the only people who can listen to this advertisement. I want everyone to listen to it unless you know me in real life because I'm going to talk about intimacy products and I am a recovering prude. But I can tell you that I reached out to FOREA after using their products and I was like, I need you to be a sponsor on my podcast because I want to talk about this even though it's hard for me to talk about, but I don't think that's just me. I think that's

A lot of us. Phoria has a cult following for a reason because their products transform people's sex lives. It feels like magic. It feels like alchemy. I don't know how to describe it other than to say if you think that you have had decent orgasms before, even good ones, if you feel like you've had good sex, you're about to

take it to a different level. You are about to have your mind blown. You are going to be just sailing through space on another planet and you will be amazed. You will be amazed. I am a huge fan of the Awaken Arousal Oil. The sex oil is also chef's kiss. They also have this thing called the Pleasure Set, which is their three bestselling products, which includes the Awaken Arousal Oil, the sex oil, and Intimacy Meltz.

The three of them together is like the ultimate sexual experience. Like you will be so connected to your partner or to yourself. Like honestly, you have to try this. I urge you to have the urge to use these products, which will give you more of the urge. Treat yourself, treat your partner, but especially yourself. Go get your juiciest, deepest, sensual experience today.

Foria has a deal. There's always a deal. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com slash terrible or use code terrible at checkout. That's F-O-R-I-A wellness.com forward slash terrible. You'll get 20% off your first order. You can thank me later. Honestly, don't thank me. All I need from you is for you to have that experience. Okay. Don't thank me. Thank yourself afterwards.

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com slash results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be.

We get support from Sun Basket. Cooking is not my specialty. I have historically been a person who is more of a snacker than a meal eater, a person who maybe has not taken the best care of myself, and getting a delivery from Sun Basket with the

gorgeous, healthy meal options that were actually easy and fun to cook has been such a delight. Sun Basket makes it easy and convenient to cook healthy, delicious meals at home. They take 30 minutes or less.

I'm gluten-free, which is not always the easiest when you also have picky eaters in the house. But we got our Sun Basket delivery. We unboxed it. We went over the meals and it was such a relief to know that we had meals that were pre-planned for us. And guess what?

Following directions, putting things together. That was fun for our kids too, our picky eater kids. And they even ate this stuff. I'm telling you, it was a lifesaver. We are at the end of summer here in our city. We are out of ideas for dinner. We are out of ideas for lunch. We are out of ideas, period. This was zero prep, zero mess. And voila, we had a beautiful, fast, gorgeous, healthy dinner.

Go to sunbasket.com forward slash terrible today to save $120 across your first four deliveries. That's sunbasket.com forward slash terrible, and you'll save $120 across your first four deliveries, plus free shipping on your first order. You're going to love it. Go give it a try. She does work with patient charts in an office, and she does raise her children. She still looks like the Dawn she was before the accident.

The Dawn who has an advanced degree in nursing, who could work three overnights a week and still raise her children, who is on top of it, whatever it was. She looks like that Dawn still. Dawn wanted to come in to talk with us to show everyone what people don't see, what it takes to get through the day, to live a life with the family that has watched the capable mother and wife Dawn was replaced with this Dawn.

So I'll get up, and if I have maybe a meeting that day or something, I'll write myself a note. Some days, maybe you're going to wear the business suit because you're meeting with a bunch of research doctors and want to look more professional. So then I'll remind myself, hey, you know, spend more time on your hair, put makeup on, wear the business suit, and I'll have it hanging on a, like, over-the-door hook. Close your eyes.

She gets lost so easily. I mean, she would try to drive to work on a route she took every single day and she wouldn't get there. I mean, I would have to have her call me and let me know that she got there. And she had to write that in her notes, call John to let him know when I get to work.

And then it's, you know, did I decide that I'm going to drive today or am I going to ride the bus? If I ride the bus, then I have a sticky note wrote down with what time I'm going to get on the bus. If something isn't written down or something doesn't happen the way that that book is written.

And it's almost like it's a computer program and the computer doesn't know what to do. Dawn doesn't know what to do, and she reacts not necessarily in the best of ways. I remind myself even to eat lunch. I forget to eat meals. Since this happened, I've gained about 40 pounds because I either forget to eat

And then I'll be like, oh, did I eat? I don't know if I ate. Or then I'll, oh, I'm so hungry, I don't know why. So then I have to make myself notes to eat lunch or here. When she would go to work and try to go park where she normally would and there wouldn't be a spot, she would just break down and not know what to do. She would call me and say, I don't know what to do, what do I need to do? She'd be on the side of the road or in an illegal parking spot crying because she didn't know...

what the next step was. She couldn't put one and two together to get three. There was quite a while there where the bathroom was seriously an issue.

because there was times where she wouldn't go to the bathroom for 10 hours or she would go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. - You know, tonight, is John gonna be home or is he working late? Are the girls gonna be home? Who am I feeding supper to?

I try not to move things, but I also try to monitor where she puts things or when she signs up for something or when there's something on the calendar. Sticky notes give me clarification for what I'm doing in the now. They prompt me to the next step and then help me prepare for the future. John and I are at a store. Do you remember this, John? I...

Haven't listed that we were at Menards. Yeah. We were at Menards and you were about five aisles away from me. And I was trying to get your attention to let you know that we should go. And you just waved back at me like, hey, how you doing? And kept on doing what she was doing. So I had to go and get her. Like this is funny, but this is also scary. Like because this is your wife and like the mother of your children and she immediately forgot who you were.

There was a long time that I did not let her take the kids anywhere or be alone with anyone because of that. I mean, initially it was very scary in that sense because realistically I think she would have gone off with anybody who was friendly to her or had told her they knew her or would have let anyone take our kids for that matter as well.

Something I struggle with is emotional liability, and I'm told that's common for people with brain injuries. So I call it the Incredible Hulk Syndrome. I seem normal one minute, then the next minute my clothes are ripping apart, metaphorically. And I'm turning green and getting angry, and I just cannot handle what's going on around me.

It was late August. Dawn went to an appointment by herself and she had to go from one appointment to another and they scheduled the appointment in a different building and didn't tell her that this doctor was supposed to be at this building and not that building. So Dawn went to the wrong building

And she went there and told them, no, I have an appointment. And she got into an argument with the person and elevated pretty quickly. And they ended up calling security and had to have her removed from the building. And like a lot of the rest of her life, Dawn doesn't remember these moments. She can tell us about them because her family remembers for her.

or because she's written them down right after they happened. Apparently I have gotten out of my car at stoplights and banged on other people's windows because I thought they were horrible drivers. And I just thought they needed to know that. They made me pretty angry. This sort of hulk out, the emotional liability, isn't limited just to the grown-up situations. And while John and Dawn are recounting these stories, I can see Grace growing more fidgety, more nervous.

rubbing the palms of her hands against her legs, shrinking into her sweatshirt, glancing nervously between her parents. She has a story, too. One time, she had gotten mad, and she didn't think something was fair. At one of Grace's basketball games, she felt she needed to go talk to the coach, even though there was a rule you're not supposed to talk to coaches for at least 24 hours after the game. And she was like,

And she said, no, I'm going to go do this. And I gave her a little bit of flexibility. And it was a mistake on my part to let that happen because it was almost like a kid that she just went at her. And some people would keep it to themselves, but she would go in.

talk to them and tell them what she thought and she wouldn't think about what she was going to say first. She would just say it. I actually thought she was going to get physical with her because she was swinging her arms and pointing and getting just verbally escalating continually. It's just really hard. Some of the other parents are so mean and to hear them say bad things about my daughter and I just want to get up and, you know, shut the fuck up. I don't fucking talk about your daughter that way. And John's like, all right, goodbye. Come on.

I feel bad. I don't want to embarrass my kids. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I had gotten angry with her, and then after the fact, I had felt horrible. This was actually, we had been at a water park for this tournament, and I didn't want to go play with my teammates or anyone.

Until I knew that I had forgiven her because I felt horrible out of the way I reacted because I had remembered that she can't really control it and it's not necessarily her fault. Grace is an uncommonly wonderful middle schooler. At her age, I was horrified by everything my pretty conventional mother did.

One time, and I'm not proud of this, but I'm telling you in this safe space, my mom came to my softball game and I noticed her leg hair, just noticed it. And I berated her in the car because I was embarrassed that she's a mammal. I wanted her to put me up for adoption. I was over her completely. Grace would never do this. Grace is sweet and serene right down to her core. The phrase that comes to mind is wise beyond her years.

And in her case, she got this wisdom by taking care of the people she loves at a very young age. Her sister Faith, who's been sitting quietly next to her this whole time, has autism. Her older brother Chris also suffered a brain injury a few years ago in an accident. Grace's world is different from her peers. It's something that she acknowledges but doesn't lament.

even with this new situation that requires her to take more care of her mother. It's not how it used to be, but I know if she needs help, like, I would grow up helping Faith explain to kids how she's different, stand up for her, and explain what she was saying to other people. And when my brother got his brain injury, my mom would always say, Grace, could you watch Chris, even though he was, like, six years older than me?

And so it's kind of how I just grew up. So I would just, it was just a different person to help. She did a good job with her. She's so lovely. She has a huge heart, definitely. I mean, she looks after everyone in the family. And she used to ride the special ed bus with her sister to school every day and helped on the bus.

Hi, it's Nora with a little bit of an update. Terrible Things for Asking is on an indefinite hiatus, which means that for the foreseeable future, you won't see new episodes in the main feed. But if you want to support the work that we've done, get access to our entire back catalog with no ads, you

You can join us on Patreon at patreon.com slash ttfa or on Apple Plus. We are still making two episodes a month.

for subscribers, which is a sustainable workload for us emotionally and financially. There are still plenty of episodes here for free on the main feed, so no pressure. But if you want to join a community of Terribles, come over to Patreon. And if you just want more Terrible, join on Apple+. ...and helped all the kids and was friendly to them in school, which makes this even tough as well because...

Dawn's not the parent she used to be either. I mean, when it comes to discipline, I have to physically stop her sometimes, not because of physical types of things, but she explodes verbally on the kids sometimes in ways that it's very hurtful to the kids. It's hurtful to me to see. And I know it's not who Dawn is as a person. I know that that's not what she wants to portray to our kids. Girls, can you tell me about that? Um...

Can Faith maybe talk? Faith is so quiet. Why don't you say something, Faith? It's an hour into the interview, and Faith hasn't said anything to us. She's been nervous to speak while we're recording, but it's obvious that she's taking it all in. As soon as Dawn says this, Faith retreats to the very back of her chair and shakes her head. And right away, Grace wheels her chair over and puts her head next to her sister's and starts to whisper.

Do you want to say what you said here, how mom's brain injury made you feel? You can say it to me. You can say it. Speak up. It made me feel scared, and it made me feel like I wanted to cry all the time because I was nervous, and I was worried I would never get my mom back. As soon as Faith says this, her dad gets up out of his chair and wraps her up in his arms.

And Grace picks up where her sister left off. Yeah, going to school sometimes I would worry, is she going to be okay today? Is anything going to happen? Because it was scarier like the first month or two that it had happened because she wasn't the same.

I'm scared that she might get another brain injury or she's going to get hurt like the other day when there was ice and I had made sure that she wasn't slipping and she's also very worried about slipping or hitting her head. And I'm also scared she might get lost or something might happen. Faith, are you still scared that you might not get your old mom back? Faith doesn't want to answer this either. So, once again...

Her sister gives her a hug and looks me in the eye. In a way, I'd say we're both kind of scared that we might not get her back, but she's just as good now as she was before, and we love her just the way she is, and we just know she needs a little more help. How does that feel? It's hard. It's just...

you know, as a mom, you always want to do a good job. I'm going to have these kids and I'm going to be the best mom ever. And then you make mistakes or you're not such a great mom, even though you can't help it. And it's just really, really, really hard. And, you know, I feel bad. But, you know, I try and we do things together. We read books together. We

We'll pray together at night. Yeah, we pray together at night. We'll share what was our favorite parts of the day. At dinner time, me or Faith or Mom usually says, okay, what was everyone's favorite part of the day? And last night, sometimes we do this where a little before bed, Faith and Dad will go play video games and me and Mom will watch a documentary, which we had done last night.

Or we'll all watch a family movie, or we'll play a family board game, or we'll go do something special or go on a special trip. Like this summer, we went to a garden. Oh, the Arboretum, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was nice. As we keep talking, Grace wheels her chair the other direction across the studio, over to her mother, and gives her a hug, then takes her hand and holds it.

It's her mother's turn to be comforted now. I've had people say to me that I'm faking my symptoms. It's so frustrating because they'll say, well, you don't seem like there's anything wrong with you or do you want attention? Or no, I actually, I want to be left alone. I just want to be a normal person and get through my day. Because you can't see it. She looks like a normal person. She looks together like anyone else. But

But inside, she's really struggling and they don't realize, I think, that how hard it is for her to control her emotions or to one little thing that they say could just set her off very quickly. And then when she reacts like that, they take it as this is a crazy woman. She shouldn't be in society. She really should be locked up and shouldn't be out in public. Yeah.

You've had reactions like that? Oh yes. Parents of Grace's, teammates, people at games, when we've gone out to dinner before, people have said things to me like that, like, "You need to control your wife," or "She shouldn't be here," or "What are you doing bringing someone like this to a family event?" We are only together for a few hours in this studio, but I feel like I'm seeing them in their own natural habitat, which feels a little lonely.

Like their family is its own little island. Which it kind of is. Because it's not just strangers who have a hard time understanding this new version of Dawn. What are your friendships like now?

We don't have very many anymore because it's hard to go out and be social. I mean, it's hard for just Don and I to go out as a couple together and do things in public because of how some of their actions might be, let alone going out with a group of people. Last time that we went out with a group of people, we went to go do the trivia thing at a bar where you have that piece of paper and you answer questions on a time limit and

Dawn got into it with one of the other people that was there on our team because she felt that she was taking over the conversation. And you were just shrugging as he told the trivia story, like, maybe. I don't remember. Yeah, I don't know. What are good or safe situations socially? Like if Dawn and I go out for a date night, I try to do it at a time where I know there's going to be less people, like 9 o'clock at night.

at a restaurant that closes at 9.30 or 10. Or maybe we'll go to a place where I know there's going to be less people and we can have a corner to ourselves or where I know there's not going to be a lot of noise or a lot of loud music playing. We used to go to Vikings games often.

every single weekend where she loved going to the games and she loved the noise and the crowd and the tailgating and things like that. We went to a preseason game last year and it was too much for her to handle because it was just so much stress

and so much noise and so much movement. I mean, I'm a hand talker and I can't talk with my hands anymore around her because it's too much motion, just things moving too fast. She can't ride the bus very often, yet that's her only way to work a lot of the time, just controlling situations like that as much as I possibly can and...

So you're so, you are so understanding about these things and you're so pragmatic, but when you're in, like when you're at trivia night and you see this happening, how does that feel to you? It's very frustrating to me. And I'm speaking truthfully, I know she's trying the best and I know that she enjoys doing these things and I want to try to give her the normalcy of a normal life, but it's just not possible. So for me, it's also frustrating. It's,

This has been so hard on our marriage and on our family because it's not the person that it used to be. I went from having four kids to now five kids that I really have to watch Dawn a lot. And I see her struggle every single day, and it brings her down quite a bit. And it really makes her wonder if it's worth it to continue because she's just not the same person as she was before.

By saying wonders if it's worth it to continue, John means two things. His wife thinks about things like this. You know, you have this life that you're building for yourself and putting yourself in a position where you want to be in the world. And then through no fault of your own, the snap of a finger, it's all gone.

And that's hard. And I guess that people with brain injury have a higher rate of suicide, which I can understand, you know, to look in the mirror and not know who you are or just to feel so lost every day. It's really hard. So am I going to actively go out and kill myself? No, I'm not. Yeah.

I had a brother, a younger brother who took his own life. And, you know, that's a pain our whole family has lived with ever since. So I wouldn't want to put that pain on anyone. But yet at the same time, I do actively have thoughts about maybe my husband would be better off without me if he didn't have to put up with all this. Or maybe it'd be better for my kids if they didn't have this mom who was so...

volatile at times. And Dawn thinks about what John's life would be like outside of their marriage. More than once during our time in studio, Dawn brings it up that maybe she and John should just go their separate ways. She's got all kinds of options worked out for it too. Like she'll take the top floor of the house and he'll take the lower level and the main floor could be neutral territory. He could come and go as he pleased and she wouldn't be a burden to him.

John could have his work as a counselor for at-risk teens and his own life outside of that, and they would co-parent the kids until they were out of the house. I can tell the girls have heard this before by the way they shift in their seats. I'm not sure if we should be talking about this in front of them, but I'm a fairly inexperienced parent, and Dawn had pledged openness, so here we go. Have you ever wanted to take her up on her offer? Yeah. When? There's many, many times. I honestly would say at least once a month.

I contemplate it because it gets to be so hard between the social situations, going to things with the kids.

Our marriage, our personal relationship that we have ourselves, not necessarily being able to communicate or trust issues for both of us. That's a lot more exaggerated now. And just it's so hard some days to know that I'm going home to have to continue to do this when, you know, I work with challenging students all day long. And then I know that I'm going to go home to work with a challenging wife as well.

How does that feel to hear? Yeah, I'm not surprised by it. I mean, we're talking about all the things I forget. And without being too graphic, I also forget that as a couple, people are intimate. So I'm hopping into bed at night and, oh, look, there's books under my pillow and under my blankets and whatever. I love to read. And I just forget that there's this other person there and they might want to read

have together time and she also has to write a note to spend time with her husband intimately really or sometimes i i slip those in there as well so you you have to do that you have to be i guess time to guess it's time to have sex with john the post-it note told me yeah i forget i yeah i'm a married woman who forgets to have sex with her husband so i forget grace is trying to like disappear from this room right now

She's like, goodbye. Trying to be gentle here. Who needs a glass of water? From three blocks away. I like still leave the room like watching movies with my parents. So it's fine. It's fine. And I'm older than 12. But I also don't want to split our family up because I know that I don't know how Grace or Faith would take things if we weren't together.

You should never stay together with somebody that you're not happy with just because of kids, but at the same time, Dawn is not. She's their mother, and she will always be their mother, and I would never take that away from our kids.

I remember Don as the person that I married and the person that we went to Colorado together on a regular basis. We had a bear lay down in the tent next to us when we were dating up in northern Minnesota. You know, it's all the things from when we were dating and over the years before the injury, I think, that really helped me to remember that

This isn't her fault. Even though she blames herself a lot for it, she blames herself every day for this. And she's so hard on herself about things when she doesn't need to be. And just those things help me bring it back that we're a couple and I love her very much and we're meant to be together. You had written in your email to us that if he met you today, this would not be the person that he would have chosen to marry. Yeah, I would definitely say that's true that

If it was this much work, there's no way that I would have married Don. Faith and Grace, is it hard for you to hear this kind of stuff about your parents? These things you probably know because kids are so observant. Yes, but in a way, like, a little while after the brain injury, they had, like, fought more. They don't fight barely much anymore, or that we know, but it would be very hard, like,

I would have to go and be with Faith some nights because she had heard them fighting earlier and she was scared that they were going to get divorced or that someone was going to leave or something like that. Our marriage was not in a good place before my injury. And honestly, so let's say life just went on and I never got injured. I can't. We were in a tough place and I think I probably would have said, I can't do this anymore. I need to be done.

How did the brain injury change that? I would say a big part of it was just that I couldn't see just leaving somebody that had been hurt all by themselves to try to figure things out, even though I know that she'd figure it out one way or another. But I just couldn't do that to her. Even if every part of me was saying, you guys need to separate, you need to just be apart from each other. I don't accept that, but okay. What do you mean?

I think that's a cop-out. I don't know if that's like the hero stance, I'm going to fall on my sword or what. I'm a mess. I'll agree, but I get through the day and I would not want someone to be married to me out of pity. And I'm fine living my life married, but I'm also fine living my life not married. You know, I think I could make it on my own and that would be fine. You know, I...

Do you think he feels bad for you or do you think he's still in love with you? That's really hard because the paranoid part of me says he feels bad or he feels stuck. I believe Dawn. Honestly, I would probably feel the same way if I were in her shoes. And I believe John. I believe that he's with Dawn because he loves her and that he wouldn't marry her again knowing what their future would be like. I would probably feel the same way. These feelings are all true at the same time.

And that's complicated. But what strikes me most about this family, a year and a half after Dawn's injury, when her progress may have plateaued, is how simple their hopes are for the future. I just want to be a normal person again where I can get through the day without having to chart out every hour of my life and to just not forget anything.

things, people I've met or things I've done, that for me would be, you know, happiness. But I understand that that's not going to be my happiness. So hopefully my happiness will be accepting how I am and be a contributor to society and my family. I want to keep working and just

do what I can to make the world a better place. Not only for myself, but for everybody, you know? For me, happiness would look like my whole family together with all of us getting along together and nothing being wrong. Happiness means that the day goes relatively smooth. My work day goes normal. I can come home and talk with my family and

and not have any huge issues come up that cause fights for us, and just being able to talk to one another and really just go to bed calm and peaceful. Something that Faith wanted me to say was that for her, happiness looks like something similar to what I said. Our whole family together, happy, with no fights and nothing wrong.

Before they leave, Faith comes to hug me, hard and with all her little spirit. I'm at least a foot taller than her, but she grabs me firmly and tells me she'd like to be interviewed by herself soon. She wants to tell the world about autism. She's an expert, she tells me. She's had it since she was born. She has her own story to tell. She has her own desire to be seen and heard.

"Call me," she says before leaving the studio, making that universal hand gesture for talking on the phone. Dawn has taken so many photos of the building, the studios, of me hugging her children. She wants to remember, though the whole family agrees that there's a strong chance she won't. Today will be in her calendar, but not in her brain. It's dark outside as we wrap up our interview.

And I watched this beautiful little family as they walked down the stairs, on their way into the cold of a Minnesota winter, on their way to get malts and burgers before the drive back home. I want to remember what Dawn may not. Her husband waiting for her on the landing, holding his hand out to her. The four of them together and happy, faith and grace leading the way. I'm Nora McInerney, and this was Terrible. Thanks for asking.

Our show is produced by Hans Butow. If you measure friendship by how much time you spend together, Hans is my best friend. I actually don't have any other friends. Stormtrooper is tied for first place. This episode was mixed by Corey Schreppel. I want to thank the Parada family for their openness and honesty in all of their hugs. And thank Natalie Jablonski, Sasha Aslanian, and Curtis Gilbert for sitting in Studio 3A with us.

and listening to the whole show and giving us notes. That's how podcasts are made. Isn't that a fun fact for you? You can find us on the internet. We are at ttfapodcast in most of the places. I'm not doing Snapchat. Don't even ask. If you want to tell us about a brain injury in your life, yours, a loved one's, a stranger you met, record it for us on your phone and email it to ttfa at americanpublicmedia.org. We'll try to feature some of your stories on an upcoming episode.

Our theme music was composed and performed by Joffrey Wilson, and it gets stuck in your head. Terrible Thanks for Asking is a production of American Public Media. ♪

When's the last time you thought about your employee benefits? I know you probably don't want to think about that right now, but they're important because you are important. Because people matter and so does technology, which is why The Hartford is so committed to providing a benefits experience like no other. Putting care and compassion into the technology behind benefits to create a better benefits experience for everyone. Learn more at thehartford.com slash benefits.