I Hate My Friend’s Partner…What Do I Do About It?
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Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Thanks for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co that's feelings and co there's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube, if that's what you're into, what a sales gal I am.

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How are you? Most of us say fine or good, but obviously it's not always fine, and sometimes it's not even that good. This is a podcast that gives people the space to be honest about how they really feel. It's a place to talk about life, the good, the bad, the awkward, the complicated. I'm Nora McInerney, and this is Thanks for Asking.

Hypothetically speaking, let's say we have a friend we love. We don't want their partner. In fact, their partner sucks. What are we doing? Are we saying something? Are we letting you go? I'm asking you because someone asked me. I'm not sure I have great advice for this.

I got this question on my Instagram and it was that simple. How do I tell my friend that I hate her partner? I think a lot of us have been in a situation like this. Either we are the person whose partner is disliked by the people who love us, or we meet somebody that our friend, our relative, someone we care about is really excited about. And we think that

What? What are you seeing? Tell me what you're seeing in this, because I am not seeing it. And I know that love is weird. And I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But this is not...

what I pictured, okay? It can be very, very awkward, complicated, uncomfortable, and all around horrible. We want the best for the people we love. We want them to be happy. And if you are a codependent, if you are a meddler, and I am talking to myself and about myself when I say those things, it can be hard not to say, look, I'm here. I know what's best for the entire situation. So just

Ugh, let me step in and tell you what you are doing wrong.

In my experience, that has not gone very well. It has not gone very well when people have tried to tell me what they thought about the person that I was with when that person did not meet their standards and also not mine, but I just couldn't see it at the time. And it has not gone well when I have asserted myself or just stuck my nose into something. It just hasn't gone well.

But that's just my opinion. I'm just one woman. I'm just one woman with a microphone, with a camera, with an unending need for human attention and connection here, bringing this problem to you and making it

Your problem. I'm Nora McNerney. This is Thanks for Asking, the call-in show where we talk about what matters to you. And in this case, a lot of you called me, a lot of you texted me, and we are going to get into it. We're going to start with the text, then we'll move on to voicemails. Hello.

So in my situation, this has happened a few times. And unless the situation is unsafe or abusive, I usually let the friend lead. If they come to me and say, I'm so unhappy, we're fighting. I've previously asked the question, have you ever considered maybe the relationship has run its course? Have you thought about leaving? We're here for you if you need help.

If it's an unsafe or abusive situation, you have to tread lightly because there's such fear of retaliation if someone being abused tries to leave. That's a really good point and very true. I've definitely spoken up on this before and have helped a friend get out of this.

Another friend I've had for 25 years is currently being isolated and emotionally manipulated, and I barely have access to her anymore. So another friend and I have joined up and just keep trying. I always go back to the phrase, keep reaching out your hand in those situations. It's a good point. Keep reaching out your hand. I also love the idea of asking questions, but the problem that I have personally, and this is why I'm not answering this question directly, is that I can be such a...

I can just be such, the questions I ask are, what are you seeing in this person? This person sucks and is a loser and I hate them. What do you like about them? Do you want to break up with them? Do you think you should? Should we do it right now? I could call them right now. Let's get them on the phone. Let's pretend it's middle school. We'll call them on a three-way call. You stay quiet. I'll break up with them for you. But it's probably better to ask questions. Just better questions.

than that. I'm in my forties. It is time for me to grow up. Okay. Some people won't hear you until they're ready to, but also sometimes you need to hit them upside the head with a verbal frying pan so they'll hear you. Okay.

This is my kind of person. I stayed in an abusive relationship for years too long and no one said anything close to me like leave him. Sure, no one knew the whole story and I was a master at hiding it, but there were breadcrumbs and I'd never been so mentally unstable. So for me in the end, no one could say it except for me.

I literally started going to therapy and sat there in my first session for 30 minutes without speaking. In the second session, I told her I knew why I was there and what I was going to do, but I couldn't actually fathom it yet. Thank you for sharing that. That is really powerful and meaningful.

if you don't know that it's an unsafe situation for somebody, which the person who wrote in did not say and did not elaborate, but if you don't know, you always hope your friends are safe. You hope the people that you love are safe. And it is hard to... What the first person said too, which is like, if you keep reaching out the hand and let people know that you are a safe place to bring that to, maybe they can, but yeah, sometimes you also do need to be told...

You gotta leave. I've unfortunately hated my best friend's husband since they started dating when we were all freshmen in college. We are all in our 30s now. He has never been a good partner, and she unfortunately reacts very poorly whenever it has come up. She didn't speak to me for six months after we graduated because I voiced how he wasn't a good partner. She fired a therapist after two sessions when they told her she needed an exit plan. Yikes.

They just had a baby and all signs point to him not being a good father. And unfortunately, all I can do to retain the friendship is be there for her. Other people over the years have voiced concerns and she immediately shuts down and stops communication with them. It's terrifying and really sad, but I know she needs me as a friend more than she needs me to voice my opinion. That's also very powerful. You got to be there so that when they're ready, they can hear it because not everyone is ready to hear it. And I also think

I do think sometimes people know and they're waiting for you to notice. And sometimes people know and they're just waiting for the moment that they can say it because acknowledging that you made a wrong choice or you are in a situation that is not right for you is so difficult. And it gets more difficult the older we get, when the stakes get higher, when there are kids involved.

when you are married, not because marriage is magical, but because marriage is a legally binding contract. And because when the situation is unsafe, it's unsafe. It can be very unsafe to simply leave. It can be unsafe to tell people the truth. It is very, very complicated.

And that is, it's excruciating. It's excruciating. Thanks for Asking is a podcast about life, about all kinds of things. We take listener calls. We read books. We do all kinds of stuff because life is complicated and so are people. You can get full episodes of Thanks for Asking on my sub stack, which is linked in the description. I set my best friend up with her husband back in the early aughts.

He was my boyfriend's best friend. That boyfriend is now my ex-husband. Good for you. He was kind of a jerk then, and unfortunately their relationship has lasted longer than mine did. Over the years, he's gotten worse and has imposed his will upon my friend so much that everything about her has changed. He's so controlling of her. I hate it. I tried telling her he was awful a long time ago. She briefly met someone else and I was hopeful.

But when that didn't work out, they got back together and my opinion of her husband caused a rift between us for a few years. It makes me very sad because I feel like I've lost a lot of her over the years and I don't think she's happy with him. She's just stuck. I don't think there's anything I could say to change her situation. It's up to her.

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Ooh, some of you guys send me the longest text and I love it. I live for a long text. I struggled hard with this, but I told one of my dear friends about my concerns about her marriage after visiting them for a weekend and listening to him, one, complain about her behind her back and to her face, absolutely not, no, no, no, no, no.

My friends' husbands, boyfriends, any of my straight friends, partners, no. I'm not on your side, buddy. No, no, no, no, no. You don't complain to me about my friend. You are allowed to worship my friends. You are allowed to tell me how grateful you are that she is with you. You are allowed to compliment her. I'm not going to conspire with you to talk crap

About my friend. Absolutely not. Okay. Okay. Two, yell at her in front of us. Absolutely not. No. Three, be completely uptight and mean to their toddler son. I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Four, generally be a dick for a full 24 hours. It was so bad we left early. I emailed my concerns to her to give her the chance to process it or ignore it if she needed to or call or say in person.

I told her something like she could ignore it or could yell at me for saying it because I knew it wasn't my business. But after what I saw, I worried that if it was that bad right in front of us, it may be worse behind closed doors. Turns out many other friends were also worried. Some had said something, but others didn't because they hadn't known her for as long as I had. So they didn't think they could say anything. Long story short, she's divorced now. Yay! And so much happier for it. This...

Me too! Also, like, this kinda guy.

It's good to be like, and our marriage would have survived if your friend hadn't noticed that I was an absolute jerk to you and our child. He was in a happy marriage. So he assumed that the marriage was happy. Absolutely not. You're a really good friend. I'm really glad it worked out. I'm glad she listened. I'm glad she was receptive to it. I'm glad other people stood up to it. And all of that is abuse. Like it is abusive to scream at somebody, to belittle them, to belittle your child.

Absolutely not. You're a good friend. A dear friend of 15 years was dating this absolutely horrid man since 2017. When they first got together, a few group hangouts into it, me and several other mutual friends got together and staged a sort of intervention. We told her how wrong he was for her and that she was pretty clearly settling for him as she had not had a lot of positive dating experiences. He very obviously love bombed her early and often and she got sucked in.

Meanwhile, he said demeaning things about her profession to me, another straight man, which unfortunately at that time I did not have the vocabulary and skills to rebuff effectively. Anyhow, she did not listen and got sucked further in and ended up moving in with him in 2019 just in time for COVID lockdowns, which completed her isolation. Then they got engaged. Then about a year ago, he walked out on her and admitted to a years-long affair with another woman.

The most heartbreaking thing was how much she apologized to her friends for not listening and being sucked into the relationship when that is not the issue at all. I wish I could have gone back and put up more of a fuss, gone to fight back against his BS instead of taking a back seat and thinking, "Well, her choice, we tried." Because yeah, we tried, but definitely could have tried harder. So that's the gist, I guess. Don't give up when your friends are dating a walking red flag.

You're right. Don't give up. Don't give up. I think making sure people know that you are there for them when they are ready is vital. That's really good advice.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Things for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings A-N-D co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see you over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am. You don't wake up dreaming of McDonald's fries.

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I have never chosen to tell my friend if I hated their partner. Recently, I had a friend who confided in me about abuse and an unsafe situation her partner was creating in their home. Even in the face of that, I never said I hated him. I said I hated the situation he was creating or the impact his decisions were having on her and their kids. For this friend, she's hearing from a lot of people that they hate him or don't know why she stays.

She shared that my focus on the situation made her feel safer to confide and be vulnerable with me. I don't know that this works for every friendship or relationship, but it worked here. That is really good advice. And I'm glad that worked. And it makes sense too. I do think when you say to somebody like, I hate you.

hate this person. It's hard for somebody not to feel defensive because they chose that person. They're in a relationship with that person. They might really care about that person, even if they know that that person is not good for them. And if they are not in a healthy relationship, it's kind of like, you know, like you, you do identify with the people that you care about. You identify with the choices that you've made. It would be hard. I, I think not to take that personally. And in my experience, when I've had feedback like that, I have been insulted.

I'm like, what, you think I have bad taste? Like, guess what? I do. Okay, so what? I have not successfully ever told somebody that I did not like their partner. I've never had that.

go well for me. And in fact, it kind of reminds me of the movie High Fidelity where John Cusack's character, he's telling his ex-girlfriend how much he hates her new partner and his best friend or maybe his sister. I can't remember. It's been a minute since I saw this movie, but she's like, you're trying, you know, like now they're a unit. Before it was just three people and now it's them against you. And that is what has happened.

And there is one situation that I can recall of where somebody was in an unsafe relationship and I did what I could physically to remove them from that situation, let them know that they were supported, let them know that they were cared about. They ultimately did not choose to leave and

And wherever you are, I hope you're okay. I hope you're safe. And I hope you know that you do deserve better than that. And I am sorry if the way that I interacted with your situation made you feel judged. I hope you're safe at this point of less touch with you. I don't know where you are, but I hope you're okay. I hope you're okay. All right, back to the text messages. My best friend was like my soulmate.

We met at a neighborhood daycare center at 10 months old, and we were friends until we broke up at 29. She told me before she ever lived with a man she wanted to live together because that would be such an important experience for her. She always told me that if I didn't like a boyfriend, she would always choose me over them. She started dating this guy in high school who was the worst.

Black sheep, heavy metal, no one understands me, up to no good type. She found out that for more than half of their three-year relationship, he had been lying about going to community college every day and instead would smoke weed with some friends. When she asked what I thought she should do, I told her to break up with him. He lied to you for over a year. She got extremely upset and said, don't you believe in second chances?

This became the story of our friendship. He had no ambition. They couldn't be out in public together without fighting. She hated his job, hated his friends. She cheated on him with a one night stand. She found out he'd been experimenting with hardcore drugs. They stayed together. One time we all went out together and he was making jokes at my expense the entire night and they were arguing the entire time. When I dropped her off, I told her maybe so-and-so and I just aren't a great fit. I don't think we should all hang out together anymore.

She didn't speak to me for two months. Our friendship ended very dramatically years later about something unrelated, but my friend of my entire life never chose me. When I met my husband, she seemed put out by my happiness because to her it only meant I didn't reach out as much anymore. She got a ring from the black sheep guy after 10 years together after she stopped asking when they were getting engaged because she didn't want to keep nagging him.

I truly hope they're happy, but one lesson they taught me is that when you're so sad you're single, look at who your friends are dating.

I'd always rather have been single than settle for that guy. That is good advice. That is really, really good advice. This is another perspective that I think is valuable. Answering a question about how or when to say you hate your friend's partner. I see how hard it is to put your friendship at risk. It is sensitive for sure, but I was with my ex-husband for nine and a half years, only married for two, and at no point did anyone directly tell me I could do better and that I should leave.

Nevermind the fact that he was an abusive narcissist and the red flags were rampant looking back now. I didn't see it until it was such a dangerous, horrific situation I had to get out, but I felt like I was in a cult of him. After I left,

And therein lies the issue. We literally do not know what we don't know, and we can only live at the speed of life and no faster. And that is the issue.

Sucks. That really, really sucks. You guys are popping off now. Okay. I wanted to give you some advice on what not to do if you don't like someone's partner. I was married to my high school sweetheart. I loved him more than anything. We were together for almost 19 years and had the most amazing daughter together. Over time, he started to change. He became miserable and was unable to be kind to me. I didn't realize how bad it was because I didn't have anything to compare it to. I was with him since I was 15.

When our daughter was three, she started scolding him for being mean to me and I knew it was time to end it. I needed her to see an example of healthy love and this wasn't it. My parents and family had all witnessed his treatment of me. They knew what it was like on the surface, but not the whole scope of what my life was. You can never fully understand something you haven't experienced. After years of telling him I couldn't live like this anymore, I finally told him I wanted a divorce.

He asked for a week to prove to me that he could be nice to me, and he only lasted two days before berating me for not knowing how to properly drive a backhoe? As if everyone is born knowing how to do that. I told him I was done done. Truthfully, I was done done years before this moment, but now I was making it a reality.

Oh my god.

That almost killed me. Girl, you, you threw, you tossed that plot twist in like it was nothing. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. I would never in my life have predicted this, but here we are and I'm happier and healthier than I have been in my entire life with the exception of my parents.

Okay, let me at them. Let me at them. Let me at your parents. You have had two relationships. You've had two relationships, okay? Like...

I could tell your parents stories that would make their hair curl. Okay, your parents want to meet us. Okay, I could. They, okay. They stopped inviting me to everything. They continued to have my ex-husband over for dinner once a week. Keep in mind, they saw how he treated me. When I

When I tried to talk to them about it, they told me that everyone they talked to about him said he was creepy. And what will people think? Their perceived perfect child might be seen as less than perfect, and that simply won't do. My mom told me that when my ex-husband gets a new girlfriend, he's on his second right now, my daughter will love that girl more than she loves me. What is wrong with your parents? Okay, I'm livid. I'm

I'm livid. I need your parents' home address. I just want to talk. I just want to talk. That was a little excerpt from Thanks for Asking. If you want full episodes, audio, and video, you can go to the link in our description.

Hi guys, it's Nora. If you like what we've done here on Terrible Things for Asking, you might want to check out our YouTube channel. We have two new videos going up every week over at youtube.com slash at feelings and co. That's feelings and co. There's a link to it in our show description. So see over on YouTube if that's what you're into. What a sales gal I am.