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And just like that, we on the air. Welcome back to yet another Carefully Reckless episode with your girl Jess Hilarious. So we got voice notes. I'm happy. Y'all know this gets me happy every single freaking time. Although y'all have been providing me with these long stories and y'all have improved on y'all punctuation. So I ain't gonna lie. I'll take it. I'll take it for what it is, y'all. Thank you so very much. All right, but we're gonna jump straight in. Here we are. What's up, Jess?
I'm trying to get you to fix this mess. First of all, before I pull from you, I want to make sure I pull into you and let you know how grateful I am for this platform that you have provided, you know, in this safe space for us to get our shit off. I got something a little heavy for you. It's not really in alignment with a lot of the topics that I hear and, you know, peace and blessings to them. But this one may be a little different for you. It may not. But I'm adopted.
I found out I was adopted two weeks before my senior year of high school. I am right now in my 30s. And that went around the corner or nothing like that, but it just feels like yesterday. You feel me? So I found out that my mom and my dad wasn't my real mom and my dad. And that just changed my world. It flipped my world upside down. I know that I hear a lot about
People being adopted and the unfortunate circumstances behind that with foster care, being in the system, being outside on their own, not having nobody around. Nobody, you feel me? And I always thought that my story wasn't a priority because...
I've never been in those type of situations. But when I found out I was adopted, I was 17 years old and it just, it flipped my world. Before then, I was on a, I was being groomed for academic success. Grew up in college schools, college,
My parents worked in the government. Back then, it was like upper middle class. That was the class. Living in Washington, D.C., born and raised. I can hear it. You know, I couldn't really compare. I had my growing pains because, you know, I thought they were my parents. So I just thought that's what came with being a kid growing up. But after that day, when they told me, you know, I lost myself. I forgot who I was supposed to be. I forgot what I was supposed to do in life. Mm-hmm.
And about, I'd say about three, four years from that, I met my mom, my biological family, should I say. I found out that I was one of nine siblings. I'm not the oldest, second oldest, or third oldest. I'm the fourth oldest, and I am the only one that was sent away for adoption and put up for adoption, should I say. My mom, the story is she ran away from Philly to...
I guess my grandmother wanted to have an abortion and she ran away. Shout out to her, you know what I'm saying? But in the midst of that, I was asking about my dad. And I'm like, well, my dad, well, my adoptive father asked first on the first meeting. You know, we had set it up. Catholic Charities have found a way to bring us together. Much gratitude to them. But he had asked my grandmother and my mother first.
you know, who your dad, who my father was. And to give you some context, my dad is kind of like an alpha male, not kind of like he is, an alpha male, Marine, from the country, a man's man, you know. He cut and dry, he ain't no emotion. Tell it like it is, you know. And he wanted to know who he was, and they said they didn't know.
So I've known them now for about like 10, 11 years. And throughout that process, you know, I've got I had gotten close to my mom. I was the one that, you know, went up there to visit all the time to show love. And my adopted father would always be like, chill out, you know, and hold back your love. Don't go up there, you know. Yeah.
You got to understand where you come from. The whole tea, I was trying to figure out where I really came from because I didn't know. It felt like I had been living a lie, you know? So they say they didn't know. I always been asking them, like, you know, my dad, talking to my siblings, everybody else knew who their father was. So I just, I could not really pinpoint why I...
nobody knows who my dad is. But I left it alone because I came with open arms. Me saying my mom and my dad, the ones that created me, is a level of respect that I have for them even though things turned out the way it did, even though they made the decision to do what they needed to do or however it was back then. I don't know. But I've come to learn that although I tried to dismiss it, it still bothers me. Mm-hmm.
You know, I still want to know more. I still, as much as I want to act like I don't care, not so much don't care, but it's nothing that I can get from it. Something in my soul tells me that it's some more information. It always told me that, but it was just, it was something out there. It just didn't make sense. So around the pandemic, you know, everything was on the open. Truth, the lies, you know,
It was a lot of spiritual information out there. And if you type that, you caught the beat. So one of the beats that I caught, I caught my mom, my birth mom. One night I hit her up on a FaceTime and she started talking about her father. And this was like some information that I never heard. She never really talked about her past or whoever. And I felt like it was the perfect moment for me to
pose the question again, like, where my dad at? Because at this point in time, I'm kind of telling, I'm bracing myself and telling myself, you know, happy birthday to my dad and rest in peace to my dad all at the same time. All in the same breath. So it's just still on my heart to know who this guy was. So she started to elaborate a little bit. And the way she elaborated was if
He was around when she ran away. The story for me always starts when she ran away from Philly to D.C. You know what I'm saying? And...
She gave me like a nickname, but she didn't. When I went to ask her about who that name was that I've never heard, she kind of snapped out of it and got off the phone, you know, that type of time. So I was just left with that. But it felt like a little piece that I was getting closer, that I wasn't tripping to keep trying to be adamant like who my dad is. So one day I'm at work.
My grandmother calls. Now, we didn't have the type of relationship where she called. You know, if I came pop up in the city and I seen her, you know, it was the grandmother love. But it wasn't like the relationship that I over here like my other siblings have or my one boy cousin, he got real close with. It wasn't that or how the relationship was with my grandmother, my adoptive grandmother, my mother's mother, my adoptive mother's mother. So...
She called me, and I mentioned to her about the conversation that I had with my mom. So she goes into a story that, like, absolutely blows my mind. And I don't want to get cut off. But one day she was at the bar in Philly, and her homegirls, it's my grandma, so I'm thinking she's probably, like, in her 30s, her early 30s, like, my age around that time or something like that. And her good, good girlfriends told her that it was some dude,
Talking about my mother, her daughter at the time, her minor daughter at the time. And my grandmother ain't like what the people was telling her. So she popped off at the bar and tried to shoot him. She said she shot at him three times. She missed though, but she shot at him. So when I hear that story, I'm like, damn, I'm a bit taken back. I'm taken back because I'm finally hearing something about my dad.
But I'm also taken back like, damn, there's not no story you ever forget. Yeah. And I have been asking you. I've been asking everybody. What's up with my dad? Like, I don't care what type of man he is, where he at, if he in the alley, we go get him. You know what I'm saying? If he at the jail, we go visit him. You know what I'm saying? If he up, we gonna try to go see what's up with him and let him know it's just all love. But I just wanted to know who my pops was. And you can't tell me...
That it's not fucked up that you're going to tell me a story like this as if you never, as something you forgot. Now, you may have forced yourself to forget because it's a, you don't want to think about that. I know you and your old age lady and you, you know, you and your Bible and all of this and you trying to get right before your days or however, yo. But I've been looking for my dad and just the way that I open my arms with no questions of why I'm, why am I the only one that got adopted? Yeah.
What was up with me? Why me? I never posed that. And also, I ain't really had time because I was so broken in the fact that the people that I've been with and look like, they not even my real parents. And everybody else know before me. Everybody knew but me. That type time. So I ain't really had time to try to go back on them, on those feelings. I'm healing. I'm trying to heal. I'm growing.
I done made some mistakes through self-sabotage. You know what I'm saying? Doubt myself. I lost myself. I ain't never get in trouble, go, oh, bam, out, you know, where I, like, really hurt myself where I can't come back.
You know what I'm saying? I wasn't trying to hurt myself, kill myself, but I felt some type of way. But my heart wouldn't allow me to have my fleshly feelings about this circumstance. Hold up, hold up. I know this shit getting good, but listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen.
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State Farm Insurance also cares about the growth of black communities. They're actively investing in programs and initiatives that help provide financial literacy, give early career advice, and grow black-owned businesses, thus leading to generational wealth, which helps protect the future of our communities. We want to build a future that we all can be proud of.
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Just a little something at the time, but just a little lump. By me going to the doctor and stuff, that question kept popping up was, do you know your medical history? Do you know your family medical history? And I'm like, I kept just saying, I don't know, I don't know. I feel so ignorant just being like, I don't know. But ever since my grandmother told me that, I haven't spoken to them. I just cut off all communication because the next thing that I have to say to my mom is...
It will be presented in a way that she's not used to. Not by anger, not by verbal attack, nothing like that, but just like the questions. And I have more and more questions. I have compounded questions of why me? And all that's going to come out, and I know it is, but at this point in time, I have a medical issue that's causing me to ask questions of why I don't know my medical history. Like, I'm fine. I'm good. But...
If something else was to come up, you need to know this. You can't look at your adoptive parents because they medical history don't matter. You can't you can't look at nobody that you've been around all your life. That's been family all your life and get that piece of information. So what I'm asking you, Jesse, is because I refuse. I've been holding on, not calling them because I don't want to.
I ain't never been that type of person in that bag. Never, never. And I don't have nothing to say to them. But I know the mature thing for me and my health is to know this type of information. I can't go in life without this information. So I'm asking you, like, where do I start? Like, although I want that piece of information, I can't let that information go.
distract me from really wanting to know the truth. Like, why didn't you tell me who my dad was? And you know what the kicker was about the information? She told me that my dad had died. She was like, I think your dad passed away. You know, I knew a couple of his friends and word on the street was that he died.
Like, that's what really, like, fucked me up. So you mean you're going to tell me who this man is and then you're going to tell me he dead in the same sentence? Mm-hmm. Yeah, baby. I don't know, Jess. I just want to... I don't know. I don't know. I ain't going to sit here and act like I do know because I don't. And I wouldn't be here if I did. So please, if you couldn't enlighten me, because I ain't trying to get that crying out here. And yes... It's all right, baby.
Yes, I've been to a therapist. I've been to a couple. I've edited a few, but sometimes my story can be so attractive that I lose faith that they can help me. Like somebody can help me because they feel like they're so caught up in my story because there's a lot more to it. Mm-hmm.
Just my healing journey, how I went from being broken, walking around with a half a broken heart, to really getting into my spiritual bag, my healing bag, my God bag, and everything and rearranging my mind frame, my aura. Like, I'm literally, I found my purpose within this mess. But I still got questions.
Now you're telling me, like, I can't even see my dad because he dead. Like, it's been, I haven't talked to them and I still want to know, like, what's his real name? Like, that's how much it crushed me, Jess. But I appreciate you listening to me.
I just had to get it out. I'm usually a lot more fluent in my conversation and my words, but it's a touchy subject for me. But I know for sure I can't let my story die because I feel like it's not worth it compared to others. So, again, I appreciate you. I appreciate the listeners. But should I...
I want to make the call. I want to pull up. But what do I say? Because I'm definitely being considerate of people's nervous systems. These old folks, I'm on Babardo and some shit, just based on my experience. But no, like, Ty, like, I really, like, I'm tired. My bad. I really need to know these things because you ain't sitting well with me. I keep thinking about it, man. But again, thank you, Jess.
Oh, you talking about June trying to cry, girl, what? Shit. Okay. So no, this is heavy. This is one of the heavier stories that I've had, you know, and I've had heavy stories in the past. Things that I felt like I could help with, but I still wanted people to get that extra professional coverage. You know what I'm saying? You said you've gone to therapists and a lot of times therapy don't, it, it,
It helps you express yourself, but it don't help to heal you. You know what I'm saying? And so I do understand that while it works for a lot of people, it just, it doesn't work to the fullest for a lot of people as well, you know. But I appreciate you sharing this with me. And just a few things. Yes, call them. Call them. You got questions, boo. And I love how you're still...
Trying to. How can I say this? You're really trying to. You're still thinking about you're putting other people before yourself. You know what I'm saying? You're still selfless in the situation. Notice I said selfless and not selfish and not telling you to be selfish. But shit, you got to put yourself first because Ty, why are you walking around?
brokenhearted. You don't know who you are. You're trying to heal and you don't even know what the hell you're exactly trying to heal from. You're still putting other people's feelings before yours. I don't care how old they are. You ain't supposed to care how old they are. Somebody owes you some answers. And it's not just your mom. It ain't just your grandmother. It's both of them. And they just have to be held accountable. That's the biggest word in this situation. Accountability. You are a baby. Like you said, you are one of nine children.
And the only one that was put up for adoption. I do respect your mom for not letting her, letting your grandmother, you know, force her into an abortion because that's how you still here. So all that about suicide and killing yourself, you are here for a reason. And you do make a difference. Whether you feel like there are days that you don't, you do, you do make a difference. No, your story ain't about to fall to the wayside. And there are others just like you.
Even if you don't do therapy, there are support groups. There are women and men just like you that feel like unknowns, that feel worse than orphans, that feel like they don't even know where they belong because they don't know who they are. You don't kill yourself for that. And you don't feel bad or tiptoe around somebody's fucking feelings.
You know, because you don't want somebody to feel bad. You don't want to trigger memory. Well, maybe if you do trigger a couple of memories, you can get some answers because you need that. You're in your 30s. Like you said, your whole world was flipped upside down. You 17, you know, discovering that the people that raised you aren't even your parents.
You got a lump on your breast. You go to the doctor. You said you felt ignorant not knowing your medical history because you don't know shit about your dad's medical history or your mother's medical history. She owe you some answers. I don't care what she going. I don't care. And yes, you do come with love, but that love going only go so far until it turns to hate, until it turns to anguish and misery. And that's not where you deserve to be. So for me,
13, 14 plus years, you've had a void that you haven't been able to fill because you don't know who you are. It's okay. I'm going to be honest. I cannot relate to this. I cannot. But what I can do is tell you, you need to pick up that phone. You want to pull up, pull up. Shit. What they going to do? Shoot you? Shit.
What can they do other than look at you like you crazy, other than tell you more lies? You don't stop trying. You don't. You pull up your grandmother. You pull up your mom. Look, I know y'all may be going through things. I know these memories may, you know, suppress y'all. And this is a memory lane that you don't want to go down. But please, for me, for me, tell me. Y'all think this shit is just going to get swept under the rug?
Why am I the one, the only one of nine that had to be adopted by somebody else? Now, much gratitude to your adoptive parents. They definitely did right with you. You're smart. You're articulate. Yes, you are, but you're still broken. Beautiful woman, but you are still broken. And your adoptive parents can't fix that shit. Even your mom and your grandmother, they can't fix it, but they can help you fix it by telling you the fucking truth.
Which you need to demand. Like I said, I don't care how old they are. You don't need to care either how old your grandmother is. If she ain't nonverbal and physically disabled, she can tell you. Oh, she can jog a memory. She remember she shot at somebody who, you know, shot at your dad. She didn't like the way they were speaking of her daughter. So that tells me that she was automatically protective. Overprotective, but fucking protective. That's her baby. All right, cool.
Your mom, she ran away because she didn't want to abort you. We don't know what the situation was back then, but that tells me she's protective in some type of way, protective over her child who was in her womb. She knew she didn't want to get rid of you. So you do have a purpose. You do. But you got to dig deeper with them and you can't be afraid to do it, boo. Because who else going to do it? If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back.
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State Farm Insurance also cares about the growth of black communities. They're actively investing in programs and initiatives that help provide financial literacy, give early career advice, and grow black-owned businesses, thus leading to generational wealth, which helps protect the future of our communities. We want to build a future that we all can be proud of.
State Farm understands that representation alone doesn't equate to authenticity. It also requires active sponsorship of programs like the AXO, a year-long program that recognizes and rewards high school students for their academic and cultural achievements, along with funding programs like Project Ready, a National Urban League program committed to educational achievement of black and brown youth that has awarded over $11 million in scholarship offers to date.
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And it's okay. It's okay for you to get emotional with me. It's okay. Shit, I got emotional with you. You know, I wish I can give you the biggest hug and just snatch you up. I do wish that. You need that from your mom. You need that from your grandmother. You need for them to just be like, fuck it, listen, this is what happened.
You don't stop because you weren't thinking about everybody else's nervous system. You don't stop. You don't stop. You be honest with them. You tell them these stories. Like I tried to kill myself. Listen, my world was flipped upside down. I need to know since I was 17, my life has not been the same. What happened, mom? What's up? I'm your baby. I'm your baby too. Why me? What did I do? Make her feel you.
You understand? There's already a connection because she is your mother. Maybe she feels so bad about it. She trying to run from it. She tried to bury those memories. Man, dig them up. Help her dig them up. And then y'all go to therapy together. That's how you clean that up. I don't give a fuck how long it take. You need your answers and you need to get them. Your grandmother too. All three of y'all sit in the room. Y'all talk. Make them talk to you.
Make them feel you. Make them feel how you've been feeling. Make them see what this has done to you. A part of me wants to say, man, I wish that your foster parents didn't, you know, your adoptive parents didn't tell you this. But for that very reason that you were in that hospital at your appointment and you got that lump on your breast and they needed to know your medical history is why the very reason why everybody should know where they came from. What if you have kids?
And they want to know where the fuck they came from. You need to have this information, period. And I love what you said about how you've gone to therapy and you've been an open book to a lot of therapists or whatever. But they get so lost in your story that they don't even help you. They don't even know what it is that can help you. Because this is a very interesting story. But that don't mean you can't be helped.
It ain't so interesting where they got to lose their way, where you can lose your way on trying to help a person. It is. It's so interesting. You should write a book. You know what I'm saying? But you can't write a book until you get the end, you know, until you get more answers. I also love how you said you just want to know where your dad is. If he in the alley, let's go get him. If he locked up, let's go visit him. If it wherever, wherever he is.
You don't know his name, even if he is deceased. Where is he buried? Let's go. Let's go. Cemetery, wherever. Where's his family? You want to know your grandmother, your other grandmother. If your dad had any other kids, anything, anything. And I also love how your adoptive parents helped you. And what I want to say about them is, you know, like you said, your dad who raised you
He was telling you, man, don't go down there and try to give all. And he sounds like he was just trying to protect you from being hurt because you're still there, baby. You know what I mean? And they raised you, you know, and they just seem like he's just seemed like he was trying to protect you. So.
You didn't say you were angry with him or whatever, but I just want you to know where that came from. That just came. That just comes from him not wanting to see his daughter hurt because this shit does hurt. This shit hurts me. And it's not even my situation. You get him saying. So I don't want you to give up just because, you know, it seems like you beating a dead horse. Beat that motherfucker till it comes alive. That's what it is. You need your answers and you should get them, honey.
And I want you to keep me updated. I want to follow your story more. If there's anything else you ever want to tell me, you keep on sending those voice notes, boo. Like you keep on crying to me. You keep on opening up. It's all right. Shit. It's all right. You know, I ain't too good to listen ever. You know what I mean? Neither are my listeners. Listen, let me tell you something.
So many people listen to this podcast where somebody will more than likely reach out to me to help you find your father's family. I've had things like that happen because somebody was listening and heard your story on my podcast and reached out to me to get information on you to help you find them if you can't get those answers from your mom, your grandmother. But I think you still should try.
still should try it don't matter be persistent it don't matter do not give up because they sleeping at night you're not they know who they are you don't so they owe you that I don't care they owe you that and if you never get the answers from them you I'm telling you gonna get them from somewhere else because there are ways I have a cousin who found her dad finally
found her dad. Her mom told her the same thing. Oh, he died. He died. Just because she wanted to suppress those memories. Like, nah, nah. What I went through with your dad was too horrifying. But the thing is, when my cousin found her father, he had just died months before she found him. Her mom was telling her he had been dead for years and he wasn't. He died from sarcoidosis months before my cousin found him. You get what I'm saying?
So listen, it ain't ever too fucking late to do your own research and figure it out, boo. It ain't. And that shit didn't cost her much. You understand what I'm saying? So get your answers and hopefully somebody hear the story and reach out to me to help you do more. I love you and keep updating me. And if you don't want to continue on the podcast, we can continue in the DMs. You know what I'm saying?
Because after this, after I end this episode, I'm still going to be thinking about it. You know what I mean? This doesn't, your story don't die right here because the episode is over. Okay? So check back in and keep me updated, babe.
And just like that, we've come to the end of her story, took up the whole thing. And that's fine with me. Y'all know we've had episodes like this before. So keep her in your prayers, guys. I know I sure will. And everybody have a blessed day out there. And to all other people out there who feel like they don't know who they are because they're in the same situation. Y'all need to do the same thing. Get them answers. There are people that can help you and your family. Now, whether they want to or not,
is on them. But I'm telling you, people know things. People know shit. And the truth can only be hidden for so long. I love y'all. And in my deepest pain, boys, peace. Next week. Carefully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I'm a good lawyer, and I want to win. I'm a savage. I think I killed G.T.
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