The Uncanny Eddie Cobalt - Part 2
32:52 Share

This episode is brought to you by Progressive, where customers who save by switching their home and car save nearly $800 on average.

Quote at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $793 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2021 and May 2022. Potential savings will vary. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com slash results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. ♪♪♪

Welcome to Series 2, Episode 2 of the Curious Matter Anthology. I'm Jonathan Pezza, the creator and host of the series. If you haven't listened to Part 1 of The Uncanny Eddie Cobalt yet, you're going to want to mash that pause button and catch up on what happened in our mind-bending last episode. Okay, still here? Then I'm going to assume it's safe to continue.

That episode was crazy, right? Eddie found herself with a power she didn't understand and struggled to control. No matter what she erased, the problems at the heart of her marriage to Susan kept getting worse. And in that epic cliffhanger, Eddie discovered Susan's affair and in her anger and disbelief,

erased her wife's existence from the universe. And that's right where we pick up today. But before we jump in, I've got a couple new announcements. We have brand new Series 2 merch available on our web store. Show off your love for the show with a brand new t-shirt or mug by visiting www.curiousmatterpodcast.com and picking one up today.

We are still a group of misfits producing this podcast out of a basement in Reseda, California. So, if you can, please consider joining our Patreon, the only place to get early access to new episodes, as well as exclusive merch such as our new Eddie Cobalt tee. So check out all our great perks at patreon.com/curiousmatter. Okay, let's get on with the show.

This episode of Curious Matter is rated explicit and includes adult language and scenes that may be shocking to some audiences, comparable to an R-rated film. Our show is designed to be a completely immersive HD audio experience, and it is at its best when played through high-quality stereo speakers or headphones. So grab your popcorn, turn out the lights, and enjoy the conclusion of the uncanny Eddie Cobalt.

If you had the power to erase all the bad shit in the world simply by convincing yourself it wasn't real, could you do it? Embrace the psychosis and let your disconnect become your power? I mean, really, could you choose to be crazy to repair an insane reality? Do you now consider yourself a superhero? I don't know what I am.

No, of course not. I don't know. But you think you can control this imaginary power? Alcohol helps. Kind of lubricates things. Like, how often do you find yourself clenching your teeth, right? All that tension just sitting there in your mouth and you don't even realize it. And then you do, and you relax. It's not the flex. It's the release that does it. And once you relax, it's more like making sure you do it in the right direction at the right time.

And how do you consider what happened with this Susan, your ex-wife? Was that a release? Can you miss someone who never existed? You can, if you're the only one who remembers, I suppose. I remember it all. The day she asked me out, flower dress, the smell of coffee. It was at the cafe she worked at in Soho. She wrote the question in steamed milk. The first date, the first kiss, the first fuck.

A million moments. You know I called her parents. And? I apologize. Sorry for blinking your daughter out of existence. They made me feel better about the whole thing. Why? They thought I was a telemarketer. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat a ring up from an unknown number. They were always assholes. You haven't answered the question though. How do you feel about erasing your wife in this scenario? You wanna know what? If I miss her?

If I'm riddled with guilt over stamping her out of the universe? For a start. I miss the person I thought she was. You happy now? Is that what you wanted? None of this addresses the root of your problem. And what is that? I have no illusions you'll accept my diagnosis. We were making such headway, so this relapse is very disappointing. You seem determined to self-sabotage and erase all of our efforts. You think this is all in my head?

Haven't you been listening to a word? You have decided to consciously ignore your triggers and are largely negating the benefits of the medications with your drinking. Based on these recent episodes and your general agitation, I'm concerned you're on the edge of a full breakdown. I'm not. I've never been more connected to my reality. You have to believe me. This isn't the same thing.

Eddie, one year ago you vandalized a DMV and spray-painted wild conspiracies on the walls because the voices in your head told you to. Yes, but that was different. I was sick then. I don't hear the voices anymore. You have to understand, how do I make you? This isn't the same. I want to be better. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you've really left me no choice. Eddie Cobalt, as your state-appointed caregiver, it is my responsibility to assess your mental stability.

Don't do this, please. All this, everything you've shared about yourself, it all boils down to one thing.

I'm not crazy.

It is my assessment that you are no longer capable of overseeing your own recovery, and may pose a risk to yourself and others. I'm recommending immediate and indefinite care at a facility that specializes in helping people like you. No, please. I'm... I'm clearer than I've ever been. You were convinced your lack of belief makes you different, that it makes you special. It does not. You are just another naysayer, unwilling to address your own cognitive dissonance in a world that terrifies you. Ha ha ha!

You know what, Doc? This is straight bullshit. There's no one else like me. Doc? Doc?

Eddie, you have one new message from #blocked. Read it! The message reads: "I love what you've done with the place." Emoji winking face. It's time we met. In the shadow of the Bard. Tonight, Midtown. Sunset. Don't be late. Signed, Control X. Who writes signed in a text? Call Simon Handrell. Sell. Calling Simon Handrell. Sell.

Hello. What are you doing today? Kinda busy. Mr. Meowgi, down! Off the counter, now! Loads to do. Catrin Zeta-Jones, I see you. Puma Thurman, no! Catnip, gone. I'm cutting you off. You sound like you have your hands full. The life of a full-time cat parent, you know. Feel like a stroll in Central Park? I'll bring booze. Oh, thank God, yes. I can be there in 20. Any idea what this guy looks like?

I don't even know if it's a him. They're a user on one of the conspiracy boards. I... I don't know. You're not one of those flat earthers, are you? Worse. Thank you. Well, there it is. The William Shakespeare statue. Are you sure this is where they want you to meet? In the shadow of the bard, is what he said. When in doubt, Google it.

Top result for the Bard is Shakespeare. Top Shakespeare mid-talent entry was this statue, so voila. So you're not a fan then? You know, I actually played Hamlet in high school. Of course you did. Are you sure this is safe? That's why I brought you, my personal human shield. I'm not sure if I should be flattered by that. Doubt thou the stars are fire? Doubt the sun doth move? Doubt truth to be alive? Our doubts are traitors.

and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt. I don't think those lines actually go together. I'm guessing you're Control-X. Tis I. Great. How exactly is it you know what's happening to me? You gain a sense of perspective about these things, my dear, when you've been around them a while. You know, conspiracy theories have surrounded Shakespeare for hundreds of years. Doubts he wrote the plays in silence. Was it someone else?

Did he even exist at all? You know, that's true. I just read an article in the Atlantic that he was actually a woman. I'm tired, I'm tipsy, and I'm on just about my last nerve. If you know how to help me stop erasing things, spit it out. I've always liked you, Eddie. Your skepticism has always been honest. There was a purity there.

Not like the Birthers and the QAnoners. They all deep down know that their beliefs are simply mirages. An attempt to feel relevant and important instead of the meaningless insignificance of normality. Jeez, someone overspent on college. I passed a gift to you because I hoped you could do with it what I could not. Reverse that path. I asked you here because- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You did this to me? This uncanny power has been carried since the dawn of memory, used by the skeptics of history for better or worse to keep humanity from destroying itself. Power? What power? I thought you were an underwriter. Did you know that Shakespeare himself was one of us? So... I'm what? A writer. Well, a rewriter. Shit, what do they call them? People who get books made. I had it, but then I lost it. Publisher. An editor.

Of reality. Do you have any idea what it's made me do? Nothing. It doesn't force us, it frees us. It's so easy to blame others for the things we set loose on the world. I'm disappointed in you, Eddie. I thought you had more vision than that. Then tell me how to get rid of it. I chose you because... How did you put it in your manifesto? You have a manifesto? It was more of a mural. You see the mirrors in the fun houses, I think how you put it.

is what convinced me that you were one of us. An editor, per se. I erased my wife. Regrettable. But, there's always been a bit of a learning curve. How do I undo something I deleted? You don't. Well... I don't really feel like I missed something here. Tell me. I think you already know.

This world needs you, Eddie. Okay. Outsider, clearly. And I don't understand the particulars here, like... at all? But I did take a little contract law at Columbia, and it sounded like you mentioned an escape clause.

As an inheritor, can't she just determine another beneficiary? Simon, you sly dog. I have my moments. I just need to find someone like me. Do you know what civilization is? It's the cage of absolutes. Ten billion cubicles meant to keep us from colliding like particles in an atomic reaction. You would need to find someone who believes in nothing when all are trained from birth to be worshippers of the walls around us.

This... is New York. How hard can it be to find another asshole like me? This city has been kinda backsliding recently. Not really helping anymore. It took me 20 years to find you. That's why I- But you didn't have Twitter. What's Twitter? Shit, forgot I erased Twitter. Look, I'll just make do. There's always Facebook. I just need to know how I get rid of this power when I find them. I need to warn you- Gotcha!

That's what I'm talking about. Got you, motherfucker. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Who were you talking to? Quick, tell me something that shouldn't exist. I don't know. Reality TV. How do you feel about The Bachelor? You know, I guess I'm just waiting for the right person to come along. Crap. Really thought erasing Shakespeare would work. X disappeared and everything. I never really liked the stature of Christopher Marlowe. His plays were always so violent. No time for that. I have an idea. Taxi!

Okay, everyone. The speed dating session is about to start. Take a seat at your assigned tables, please. You know, I've never really found these work. You've done this before? Only a handful of times. Twenty, maybe. Any other day I would have said that these things signal the downfall of humanity.

But you know, today might be our lucky day. Everyone gets two minutes to connect before moving to the next potential match. When the buzzer goes off, please move to the next table on your match card. Lassutus, I always thought you were gay. Any naysayer will do today. Okay, three, two, one, go!

Hey, I'm Clint. Eddie. I'm a youth minister in Queens, originally a Utah Mormon, but I found my calling after I converted to Methodist in my twenties. Nope.

The Fable & Folly Network supports creators of exceptional audio stories, including the one you're listening to right now. If you love our shows, we want to hear from you. Complete our listener survey at fableandfolly.com slash survey. This will help us learn more about you, what you like, what you'd like to hear more of, and how we can maintain an inclusive, safe atmosphere. As a thank you for your participation, we have extras and behind-the-scenes content from your favorite shows.

Fans make the network what it is. Thanks for listening, and we can't wait to hear from you. Find our listener survey at fableandfolly.com slash survey today.

Tensions have continued to climb as the UN General Assembly called today for de-escalation between the two parties. Both nations have called on allies to ready for war, and inside sources in the Pentagon have informed us that the US is readying its strategic nuclear arsenal for possible deployment. Here's your bucket of time. You know, you might want to slow down. Bell Bottom. Uh, uh-uh. Klaus. Nope.

Licorice? You lost me. Christopher Cullen. Like the director. Oh, I forgot about him. Him too! Nope. Oh, taxes. And I think it's time to cut you off. No! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Washington Monument. That's it, lady. This is the last one. Ugh, lady. I hate that. What did I miss on the trip to the bathroom? She with you? Yeah. Time to take her home. I erased 42 things while you were gone.

No. Yes. Close our tabs please. Oh. Tabs. 43. Any luck? Not a freaking one. Everyone I talk to is a believer in something. It's completely ridiculous. Why can't I say that word? Fuck it. It's completely unfair. Hey, get them out of here.

That's it! You're banned for life! Between Braxians and the lasers? Seriously? Told you downtown was a bad idea. When looking for crazy, go where the crazies are. The aliens showed up when I erased the Cold War half an hour ago. Did nothing for the crap on the news, though. The Vikings? Oh, they're a surprise. No idea. Grab your coat. You, my friend, are drunk. Come on.

It's not like I hit anybody with it yet. Are you gonna be able to walk? I'm fine! Your plaster is what you are. Time to get you home. You... are not my- The feeling is mutual. 49 feet. It was only 12 blocks! The place is what you're gonna do. Thank heavens I found you. Have we met? You really shouldn't have erased ride share. I mean, these prices are ridiculous. Sorry not sorry, old man. That wasn't funny what you did in the park. I am trying to help you. I erased my wife because of you.

She was the love of my life and I erased her just like that. Am I a monster? I really don't think now is the best time. She's kind of going through something. No, no, no. I wanted you to be here and now... Ugh. All that taste of like... Giving the power to you is a mistake. You want it? It's all yours.

I told you that doesn't work. Because once you've carried the power, it's impossible to stay a skeptic. The more faith you have, the harder it becomes to rewrite things. You believe in the power of disbelief? How did you even find us? My fault. I may have Instagrammed a teensy bit. Poof, baby! I'm on fire! You never let me finish by the statue. We are on a course now. One set toward destruction.

That's stupid. These changes seem to be accelerating the danger. And I had hoped that you could succeed where I and my predecessors had failed. I was your best chance? You need to let me help you before it's too late. If you want to help, just help me get her home. No. I don't want to go back there. At this rate, you could destabilize the universe. Undo the Big Bang or something. I'm ordering it. My life. Taxi!

Everything is spinning. Seatbelt. Whither dost thou go? I don't know. Just head toward Midtown. By the will of Odin. Simon, you getting in? Right behind you. I'm going with you. Sorry! You need me! Stop stalking me. Just leave me alone. The maiden says nay. She most certainly does. Do you even care if you destroy the world? No!

Seems like much libation and merriment was had this evening. Uh, libation, yes. Ah, the gift of mead. What's the deal? Braytel, what do you mean? Vikings. In Manhattan. Dost thou not know? I thought it was common knowledge. Yeah, the Scandinavians settled the island and built the first city here when they fully colonized the Americas. No idea how I triggered that little change. But that doesn't explain the old-timey slang. Ooh, she didn't mean that.

They're a bit sensitive about the Viconics thing. It's the way of my people. Ugh, I thought I erased hipsters. Pull over, I'm getting out. Here's an extra ten for the trouble. She is usually very lucky. Hey Eddie, wait up! Grace, how did I end up back at Central Park? You shouldn't walk alone in this area at night. Just leave me alone, Simon. No.

I don't really understand what you're going through. I mean, some of the stuff you say is like, whoa. But it's clear you need someone. I ruined your life, man. You were in your blissful little corporate happy place and I took it all away from you. I stole everything from you. So why are you even here? Because you need me. Because I'm your friend. Come on. We can cut through and grab the A-train and call them a circle. You mean leave your ex in circle? Oh my god, I still can't even. After you. Here, I'm...

Take my coat. Thank you. This is nice. The city really is beautiful at night. Okay... Maybe Central Park isn't so bad. It's almost like a date. Still not my type, but you're a good dude, Simon Handrell. He's got a gun! Stay calm. No need to do anything rash. I speak Lilibraxian. Yes. I'm taking out my wallet. Here.

Okay, okay. Here. Eddie! Here! Take it! Get off her! Help! Eddie. Colin! Stay with me, son. Someone! Everything's gonna be okay. I just need to... I can't fix this! I don't know what to do!

Please feed my cats. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

There is no map. You fear living in a world where you are vulnerable and that fear has metastasized into something more. There are no roads. There's no roads. There's no city. The truth is we are all vulnerable all the time. We all experience fear. Grids are simply a mind cage. Giving the power to you is a mistake. I see that. I see the mirrors in the funhouse. At this rate, you could destabilize the universe. I see the mirrors. See, sheltered.

God... Anyone... Please... How do I undo something I deleted? I think you already know. I think... I think... It's doubtful.

The only way to save you is me. Break the mirror! Break the mirror! There's no way that this... Any of this... I can... There is someone at the door. Yes, Rexha, I know what a doorbell means.

Oh, you're my 1230. I guess I am. My realtor who does the showings is running a little late, but come on in, take a look around. Thank you. The asking price is $8.50. The bathroom is down the hall, and to the right is the bedroom. Can I ask you, why are you selling? Just time to move on, I guess. I'm thinking about Williamsburg. What an interesting painting. Oh, yeah. It's from where I work. It's an Elton bot.

What do you do? I was an editor, but I'm retired now. How interesting. So, is it just you? No roommate? Or wife? Wife? How did you... No. Um, nope. Just me. Why not? I don't know. Guess I just never met the right person. You know, I'll just let you look around. Let me know if you have any other questions. You know what? I think I'll take it.

This apartment reminds me of someone I used to know. I hope you enjoyed our presentation of the uncanny Eddie Cobalt. Coming up next, we launch into deep space 200 years in the future with the beginning of our five-part miniseries, Star Hunter, based on the novella by Andre Norton.

Starring Colin Ferguson and Tiffany Smith, you aren't going to want to miss it, so if you haven't yet, hit that subscribe button. If you liked today's episode, please check out our after show hosted by Allison Hayslip, produced live by our partner FN Funny Productions on their Twitch channel the night each episode releases. The podcast version of the after show will then be released on this feed each following Tuesday.

If you like the podcast, leave us a review and connect with us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook under the handle at CM Anthology. Or check us out online for more information at www.curiousmatterpodcast.com. This episode was dramatized, directed, and edited by me, your host, Jonathan Pezza. Casting assistance was provided by Sandeep Parikh, Anand Shah, and Jeff Winkler.

Tonight's show starred Kelly Dawn Hancock as Eddie Cobalt, Jeff Lewis as Simon, E.J. Barois as Control-X, Amy Vorpel as Susan, and Sandeep Parikh as the psychologist. Our talented ensemble also includes the voices of Jonathan Edelman, Jason Irvin, Philip Gray, Tien Nguyen, Jeremy Pezza, Jonathan Pezza, Blythe Renee, Melissa Starr, and Ali Rivera Quinonez.

The score was provided by Epidemic Music and featured the talent of Christopher Moe Ditlofsen, Alex Slane, Johannes Bornloff, Joe Wandrini, John Bjork, and Arthur Benson. The Uncanny Eddie Cobalt is a work in the public domain and it was produced in accordance with U.S. copyright law. Curious Matter is produced by the Knightsville Workshop in association with FN Funny Productions. Copyright Knightsville Workshop 2022. All rights reserved.

We will see you next episode for Star Hunter Part 1. I've been Jonathan Pezza, your host, and of course, thank you for listening. The Fable & Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. You start with your own breathing. Match the rhythm of the breeze that carves the canopy, the birds and bugs chirping in set intervals. Feel the subtle pulse rising up from the ground beneath you. To wander is to dance with the forest.

But the forest isn't just the partner. She's the music, the style. She's the rhythm. She's the set of ancient steps and movements that have been passed down from one dancer to another. She teaches you to dance the dance she invented to the music she's singing in a tonal system she thought up one night as it pleased her. You breathe, and you listen, and you wait for your place. Your first step, the call to...

The Wanderer is a new fairy folktale podcast from T.H. Ponders, a member of the Fable & Folly Network. Listen to the show by searching for The Wanderer in Apple Podcasts or by visiting www.callofthewander.com.