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This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are Black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging Black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.
I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z, but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors.
at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, We Are Golden.
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Happy holidays, ladies. Joyous Kwanzaa to you all. Joyous Kwanzaa. Oh my God. What do you even say? I'm Sam Sanders. I'm Zach Safford. I'm Saeed Jones. And you, my holiday hotties, are listening to Vibe Check.
Holiday hotties. I love it. Yes, yes. With Christmas, the new year, all of the holidays coming up, we thought we'd make today's episode all about how to keep your vibe right during the holiday season. Because here's the thing. Listen, I'm a Sagittarius, so I live for the winter glow and the warmth and the celebration vibe.
But also, I think the paradox of the holidays is that they can be stressful. There can be family, friend, relationship tensions, depression, mental health issues, food.
food, body issues, a lot kind of comes up. So it's like a glittery gauntlet at times. Glittery gauntlet. Yeah. Holiday hotties, glittery gauntlet, the alliteration today. Look out. So hopefully, you know, this conversation will be warm, but also just like helpful because the thing about the holidays is you can find your joy. You can celebrate it in a way that feels right.
Right for you. But I think for a lot of us, we've kind of had to learn our way into doing the holidays in a way that works for us. But before we get into all of that, ladies, how are we feeling? Sam, how are you doing, baby? I'm okay. You know, I'm in New York for a wedding.
And I always think I'm used to that LA to New York trip, but it just throws me off. And so I slept four, maybe five hours last night, which is good, but it's going to take me until I leave New York to be in this time zone. So I'm just pushing through. Coffee for the win. Okay, coffee for the win. It'd be like that sometimes. If you ever need a coach on how to try to acclimate to LA, New York, back and forth, I can try, but you never get it.
And your body never accepts that run. Because it's just like the perfect amount of weird time, it's five hours. Like your body's like, where am I? What? And those three hour differences are huge. And then you get mad at yourself because you're like, well, it's just three hours. It's not like I'm going to Bali. Yeah.
But it still matters. It's the difference between breakfast and lunch. That's what I tell people. Breakfast and lunch. When I started at BuzzFeed, I was working in San Francisco. And I remember like longtime Californians were like, oh, the flight, the red eye, it's no big deal. And it is a big deal. And in fact, a couple of years ago, I saw a flight attendant who usually works like those red eye flights from coast to coast. And she says science has shown it actually has a huge impact on your body.
Like it's not something to underestimate. Shorten your life. So I hope you get some rest. I will. Zach, how are you doing? Where are you? You look like you're in LA. I'm in LA. I'm in LA for now. I'm in San Francisco later today to see family. And then I'm somewhere else. I'm in Tennessee. But I've begun my, you know, living in a family that is, let's just say, legally diverse. Lots of divorces have happened. Lots of new families. Not legally diverse. Perfect.
Legally divergent. Legally divergent. So I'm beginning my hopscotch around this great country. And I'm excited because this year is the first year in which I'm incorporating another family, which is my boyfriend's family, into all of this. And the one saving grace is that his family also lives in the South, which is a different part of Tennessee. So we're just playing hopscotch across the Southeast. So I'm feeling good. And now I'm learning new traditions that I can't wait to share in the new year of a
family that is very different than mine that is Mormon. So, you know, it's a very new way of being in the world this holiday season and I'm excited. I like an adventure. They do the caroling and the hymns quite nicely. I used to watch on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve
the big Mormon tabernacle, the choir would like do their Christmas concert. They can sing. They can sing. The Mormon tabernacle choir can sing. And you know, they bring in like Audra McDonald. Audra McDonald. I believe it. They take it seriously. Her husband's ex-Mormon. And Gladys Knight is Mormon now. So there's a lot of...
Yeah. So there's a lot of interesting musically. Mormons are, you know, underrated, but much to be celebrated. They can come to the concert. They can come to the concert. Yeah. Well, Saeed, how are you? Where are you and where are you going? I,
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling cute. I'm in Columbus at the moment. My boyfriend got into town overnight. It is very cold in Columbus. Like even locals are like, oh man, this is really cold very soon. It was snowing just a few minutes ago. I think the wind chills in the 20s.
But he got in and we went to one of my favorite bars right across the street. And I didn't know they go all out for Christmas inside. It was just really unexpectedly charming to be suddenly surrounded in this like really kind... Because it's like a dive bar feel, but they're very creative. And it was just like, it felt cozy and warm and the holiday lights. I love when someone just like leans in. And it seems like that bar leaned in. Yeah, it really... I was like, oh, this is really cool. And then so we started talking about...
holiday songs and all that kind of stuff. And he asked me and I was like, oh, my favorite holiday song would probably be something from the Preacher's Wife soundtrack. And so then we came back to the apartment and we watched the Preacher's Wife. And then in a few hours, I'm headed to Miami for the Miami Book
festival. So really, I've got the best of both worlds. Wow. She is thriving. Well, before we get into this discussion today, which is our own exploration into the holidays, a survival guide of sorts, and also just a cultural guide to how to make it through, we want to remind you that we really, really, really love hearing from you. And we love the fan mail that we get. We love the tweets. We love the DMs. We love the TikTok comments, all of it. So keep them coming. And you can reach out to us directly at vibecheckatstitcher.com.
So with that, let's jump in, shall we? Yep, let's go. All right now, so let's get into this. I guess we'll start with this. What are your Christmas and New Year's Eve, New Year's Day plans? Just what are you going to be doing? Can we reveal the truth here? Let's reveal. I love a reveal. We are taking VibeCheck IRL in Mexico City together.
For New Year's. For New Year's. So the three of us will all be hanging out in Mexico City with our partners and maybe some friends for New Year's. Yes. It's going to be an amazing kiki. We're headed. Which I'm so happy about because for me, I'm beginning this journey in Atlanta at my brother's house, which I've never done before, with all of my mom's side of the family all staying in the same house in the country. And I love my brother down. I love his wife. I love the kids.
But I have never... My family's really good about personal space a lot of times. Me and my sister are not above getting an Airbnb when going home and creating our own space. And a lot of it's because I do work a lot through the holidays. Usually I'm doing a show like this or something where we have to record.
And because of that, and because all of us are not working, we've decided to stay at my brother's. And I just think it's going to be a movie that I'm going to love watching. Yeah, I was about to say, it sounds very Agatha Christie. Yes. It feels very like Family Stone. Family in the countryside and all that kind of stuff. And we're like an hour and a half outside of Atlanta. So there's not much to do. You're just there. You're out there. Just out there. Are you ready for that?
You know, my family, I think I really enjoy my siblings more as adults. I think we all go through that journey. That's real. Where, you know, I'm one of five and a lot of my siblings are half siblings and we all have really divergent lives due to this legal divergency that happened through all the marriages and different family makings.
And it really takes a lot of effort, more than I think a family that hasn't had a divorce, to come together. And you have to really choose to build those relationships on. And my brothers, my older brothers especially, they live in very different places. They're all very busy. They have families. And so for us to get together takes a lot of intentionality. And I'm just excited that we're able to do it. And that to me, when I do show up to these things, when they happen...
is like, I don't need a present. The present was like you coordinating your two toddlers to get here to the countryside. And now we're going to spend time together. And the blessing is they all drink. That's all I need. And that does help. That does help. Listen, for some families, that doesn't help. But for those that when it works, it works. But actually, this leads perfectly to the next question. And I'll just take it straight to you, Sam. Yeah. We're already kind of getting Zat's take on navigating the mixed families and how do we do all of this. Do you think
that each holiday should be spent with different groups of people. And this used to be particularly, I think, a very American middle class thing you would kind of decide. And particularly as kids of maybe divorced parents, it would kind of be like, okay, you'll go to so-and-so's family for Thanksgiving, but that means you're with us for Christmas. Or maybe it's you're with so-and-so for Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day, a lot of negotiation. I've always felt that
The official rule, though, is that New Year's Eve is the free-for-all. It is not a family holiday. Everyone's allowed to be—like, the parents go out. You know what I mean? Like, everyone kind of gets to let it off. But how do you navigate the different holidays? Has there been, like, a rule or anything? There's really no rule. So my experience is kind of different. My family grew up really, really Pentecostal, and that meant, long story short, the only holiday that we actually celebrated each year as kids was—
was Thanksgiving. So we have a big epic Thanksgiving, but we would never do Christmas. And I began doing Christmas as an adult a few years ago. And so there are members of my family who were just like unconcerned. They're like, oh, you do Christmas now. Cool. If you want to hang out, you can. You don't have to. So I have less of that pressure now.
to meet both holiday obligations, which means that I'm free to kind of make it what I want. And I think that would be my advice. So this year I'm doing Thanksgiving with my partners, cousins in the Bay. Then I'm going to go see my family in Texas the week after and do a second Thanksgiving. Cause you can, why not? Right. And then for Christmas,
his mom will be down in LA with us. And my aunt Betty will be down in LA with us and we'll see some other relatives. But my thing is like, do what logistically feels solid. And if you can't see everybody one year, the thing about the holidays is there's next year. You know, I, I always feel bad for the families who feel the intense pressure to see all of their family across the country over two big holidays between November and December. Um,
It's not just logistically challenging. It's difficult just to pull off. And so my general advice is like- It can be expensive too. Very expensive. So like my thing is kind of like you can skip a year or two. There have been years in my family life where I didn't make it home for Thanksgiving one year, but I was there the next one, right? And so there are actually no rules. You know, late stage Western capitalism wants to convince us that we have to perform holiday this way. What do you want to do and what can you afford? Right?
Well, Sam, how do you, because I struggle with this a lot due to having a pretty broad family that all can't be together. And so I feel ashamed in choosing myself or choosing one. How have you combated letting go of tradition and creating your own freedom? And I'll add another kink to this, something I've encountered in the past. What happens when you have older family members?
that are like, what if there isn't a next year? We just went through a pandemic. You're getting to the point where maybe you have older elders or health stuff. And I think the last two years in particular, you're right. It's like that sense of freedom lately can butt up against a sense of urgency. So how do you navigate that?
To start, I want to say that one of the best positive habits that my father kind of showed us growing up was that like he would call relatives all the time just to say hey. And it might be a thing where they talked for three minutes, but he checked in. And every Thanksgiving and every Christmas, he went down the list calling all the family that he wasn't with.
It was amazing. And we'd do this thing after we had eaten or before. He would just start calling folks. And it would be like an hour just on the phone with family and relatives. And I kind of now do that as well. Like you don't have to be with everyone to show them that you care on the holidays. And a phone call can go so far. I've done things now where you FaceTime with the family you can't be with.
on the holiday, there's a way to make that happen. So let go of that guilt. If you're reaching out and showing that you care, you're showing that you care, even if you're not there. And then in terms of the relatives who can't make it, I think that in those situations, you have to say, are we at the point where we got to make the financial sacrifice just to see them? There've been moments in my life where it's like, all right, all of the close family needs to be together this year. It's important.
And that's when you, if you can, just say, okay, I got to open up the pocketbook. You got to eat it and say, I'm helping. And I think that money in the holidays can be challenging. But in general, if you have more to give, this is the time to give. And if it means you need to see Aunt Sally Sue and the five cousins do as well and you can help,
It might be worth it. I don't know. That's my take. And I will say, I love what you're saying about your dad calling people, even if it's for three minutes, because recent research has shown that you checking in on friends randomly and family does increase your relationship dramatically. Oh, yeah. Them feeling a sense of, you know, care. And I'm a big proponent of seeing people, I have this rule about like everything, specifically about luxury. So if I ever give you a bottle of champagne or like wine or something nice,
I will tell people, do not drink it on a special day. Drink it on a Tuesday when you're stressed. You just need to pick me up. You need something. And I think that's the same with families and people you love. Show up the day that they're not expecting. Because sometimes going for Thanksgiving or Christmas is like checking off a box and it feels like you had to. So the random days are better. And the random phone calls are really sweet.
This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are Black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging Black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.
I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors
at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, WeAreGolden. Okay, I love, this is, so many gems here, so many gems. Well, okay. Call your people. Call your people. Call your people.
but also I love the, you're like, you can see them the day after you can see them in January, you know, there, but let's talk about the stressors because obviously there's a lot of joy. There's a lot of coming together, but as I mentioned, and as you both have kind of already talked about, the holidays can be stressful. Like you said, I mean, travel. Oh my gosh. The,
financial strain, work, family, and also, you know, I mean, particularly, you know, whether it's addressing homophobia or transphobia in our families, or maybe, you know, you've got some unpleasant career news that you just got hit with, and now you're like, oh, great, now everyone's going to be asking me. You know what I mean? Like, so let's talk about why it feels like the holidays are such a gauntlet. Do either of you have—I have some thoughts, but do either of you have, like, a theory—
I want to hear your thoughts, Saeed. I have some, but I want to hear you because I feel like you're always my guy to deal with the tension and friction. Because I'm a little diplomatic to a fault where I will just deal and show up to things and turn off. But I feel like, Saeed, you're good at advocating. I try. I try. Well, I think actually something you said, Zach, this idea of sending someone a bottle of champagne and then saying, don't open it on the holiday. Okay.
Don't open it on your birthday. Open it on the random day. Open it on a random day where you need to be reminded someone loves you. That's kind of interesting to me because I think part of the reason the holidays – and this is true in any case –
When you are in or made to feel you're in an atmosphere that is signaling to you, we are all in line and we are all supposed to feel this way. Let's step out of the holidays for a second. Valentine's Day. If your heart is just in a different place, but everywhere you look, you're getting signals of love, romance, everyone's, you know, two birds, two bees, you know, it's just like, that's a pressure.
And even if you're in line with it, even if you are in sync, as you're both saying, there's a sense of obligation. It can begin to feel like a bit of performance. Or if you're out of sync with the signal, yeah, you feel lonely. You feel like, God, something's wrong with me. And there's that moment where you feel like you're walking down the dark street past all the beautifully lit homes. It can feel, you know, othering. Yeah. What do you think, Sam?
I think what is really interesting about being queer and going back home for the holidays is a lot of times we're walking into spaces that were previously traumatic for us because we weren't out. And so it's always hard to go back and stay in the childhood home as an adult.
But if you're queer and out now and you had to be closeted in that home as a kid, it's bringing up all kinds of things, right? And so you have to be responsive to the way that place affects your mood during the holidays and speak to that. As soon as I could afford to not have to stay at my mother's house when I went home from the holidays, I did, and it all got better. Staying somewhere else, if you need that space and can afford that space –
can be a total game change. Because what happens a lot when we're with family, especially if it's in the place that we grew up, we revert to childhood roles as well. We'll be in the home with mama and daddy and siblings, and then we're doing the weird cycles of weird that we were doing when we were 12 years old. Don't do that. Get out of that. Be an adult and
And that might mean having your own adult space outside of that home if you need it. And I would say, you know, something I'm doing this year, and I'll report back in 2023 to see if I did it, is I too am trying to not revert backwards, but even go further by breaking cycles. So something that came up recently at a wedding with my boyfriend was we met a couple from Nashville, where I'm from. They're lesbians. We did not know them. And they were talking about how happy they are in Nashville and how much love and fun they have there. And I said...
Growing up, I never loved it, never had fun really, always felt really afraid. And I could have never imagined having a partner living in the city. And she was like, one of the women were like, well, we hold hands walking down the street. And I said, I have never thought that was possible before.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Because then my boyfriend looked at me, he said, I want to hold your hand in Nashville. Let's try it. So it's like, you have these moments in which you can pick the traumas, pick the things that used to be really burdensome to you, and have a conversation with loved ones, whether it's a partner, a friend, a family member, and say, can I break this?
Can I break past this? See a future part of myself go through this in a different way? And I think it could be healing. And I'm going to try it too. You know, there's little things. I think going home is hard and you don't realize what's hidden in those closets until you get there. But, you know, thinking through it before is really helpful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I also want us to think about how we can intervene when need be, because both of what you're talking about is so helpful that part of what happens, it's almost like that holiday space. And this can be with coworkers. This can be with family members. This can be reuniting with college friends. But you're kind of pulled into the whirlpool of those old cycles, and you can lose your footing there.
If you are in that space and you haven't lost your footing, I think it's also good to be compassionately alert for other people who haven't gotten to where you are. And I was recently at a get-together with a whole group of people, a bunch of writers, and someone I didn't know asked me a really shockingly invasive question about my life. Like, I was stunned.
And I was so thrown. I know people like to think like, oh, Saeed's always got the line. He's got the comeback. I was stunned into silence. And I'm so grateful that another writer immediately stepped in. And this is the line. This is what I want people to use if you see someone do something unfair to someone you care about. He said, we don't do that. Mm-hmm.
That's not what we do. He was like, we talk about passion. We can talk about fun, but we don't do that. And that language, I mean, I felt my whole body kind of ease. And so I just wanted to put that out there as something that if you feel empowered and you see someone like bullying your cousin or touching someone's stomach or saying, when you gonna get, and you see that look, you know the look on someone's face, we don't do that. And you can say it with a smile and I think it helps. Yeah.
Yeah, and even other things in that spirit. Like, I love to tell folks, you know, oh my God, we can talk about that, just not now. And then they forget.
I'm like, oh my God, let's come back to that later. Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you asked that. Let me, okay. Yes, we'll circle back. This is the thing that the holidays trick us into thinking. The holiday industrial complex tricks us into thinking that we have to give up agency to be with our families. We have to give up autonomy to be with our families. You can still be a fully formed adult who does what you want to do in the midst of your family, in the midst of that holiday space. It's about being nice as you do it.
You know? I love that. We trick ourselves into thinking that we have to give up who we are to show our family's love in these moments. No, you do you. Be nice about it. Be open about it. But yeah, you're still autonomous and you are in charge of you. And you can say no in a nice way. Uh-huh.
And I think when you assert a boundary, and I feel like we're going to talk about boundaries a lot this episode, when you say it with a smile and just like, oh, no, it's all good, it's also a way of showing how confidently assertive you are in this space. We don't even need to argue about it. I love it. Exactly. Oh, that was so helpful. We're going to take a quick break. That's our boundary, baby, but we'll be right back. ♪
We are back for our special, special, special holiday edition that's going to hopefully help you get through maybe a rocky Christmas, maybe a complicated Hanukkah. Who knows? We're here for you. So to begin, I want to ask the two of you, how do you deal with tension when you're at the kitchen table with family? So whether it's political tension, disagreements, because, you know, we've talked a lot about when someone says something invasive, maybe touches you, does things and how you intervene for others.
But what about when we're in hot topics where we're actually engaging with family and those like rowdy conversations? How do you all navigate those? Because I have a lot of them with my family. We all don't agree. Yeah.
I had a few years when I was covering politics around that time where relatives, family, friends all almost felt this obligation to ask me about politics and my opinions on it. And then some folks who weren't politically aligned with me would want to kind of almost start a political fight. And the thing that I would do to just disarm or stop that kind of conversation when I didn't want to have it
It was really simple. Someone asks you a leading question to get you to start fighting about politics. You say this, you know what? I honestly don't know enough to answer that question. I just don't. You play dumb, right? And you're just like, little old me, I don't know about that. And I also think a lot of times when people are trying to goad us into a confrontation, you know, masked as conversation, just keep asking them questions so you aren't forcing yourself to absolutely talk. Yeah.
I love to ask people questions until they stop talking to me. Why do you feel that way? Why do you say that? Go on. And then you walk away. Like a lot of times when people are coming to you with that energy, like,
They need to get tired. They need to just hear themselves talk enough until they've made their point. And often that's all they really want. They don't want to really engage with you. They want to make their point. And a lot of what's helped me is just like doing the smile and nod and follow-up question interview tactic shit to just let them keep going until they're done. And I can let it wash off my back. That's my way. It's a little passive, but it's worked for me. Yeah. I mean, this is about...
Not putting yourself in a position that will have you reeling for the next few months. You know, you're back in your apartment weeks after this dinner or this family get together and you're still having, you know, like trying not to saddle yourself stuff. So I think, you know, you have to be realistic about what you can take on. And I have learned in general.
Someone makes a, let's call it an off-key comment. You know, it could be a joke or whatever. You're absolutely right, Sam. I have found going, oh, really? Oh, why do you feel that way? Did something happen? Kind of going into, you're right, the interviewer mode. You don't need to defend human rights.
You do not need to defend your right to make decisions about your body. You know, someone says, oh, I really want a baby. Oh, okay. You know, what's been on your heart? You know, is there something? You know what I mean? Like just kind of flip it. The other thing is ever since Sam mentioned thinking about spaces, I'm like, boom, that is so huge for holidays. You have to be aware of the different spaces. You know, do you really want to walk into the kitchen where all the aunties are? You might not.
You want the kids table. Yeah. You always want the kids table because they're not fucking with that shit. They're vibing and thriving. Right. Yeah. And so it's also like hang out with the kids, hang out with the cousins. And I also think... So this is my strategy. I try to...
not that this is war if you go into the holidays acting like you're going into battle surprise you will be at battle so don't come in with that spirit just think of an adult navigating any space walking into a gala I would do the exact same thing which is who's your ally don't be
Don't be just sitting with a bunch of people like you don't know well. Don't let yourself be seated at a spot or, you know, sitting on the couch or in the kitchen where you know like there's a lot going on. Make sure there's always at least one person near you
that reassures, that you can count on your rock. Because when Uncle So-and-So says da-da-da-da-da and you kind of handle it or let him exhaust himself, I think it's really important for you to have someone you can turn to
And it's often just gonna be eye contact or just being able to say, so tell me, how is school going, Susie? You know what I mean? So you could just go, let's just move away from that. Yes, well, and that having an ally, it speaks to another tactic that a lot of mental health
This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are Black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging Black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.
I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors
at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, WeAreGolden. All professionals know, oftentimes you have to redirect. You have to redirect a person or a conversation. Someone's like...
So what do you think about MAGA? I don't know, girl, but that Christmas tree is so cute. Look at those lights. I know I got opinions on Gaga, you know? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The safest thing, and there's a lot of research that backs this up, and it's something I do when I'm in social situations, is the one topic people float to when they have nothing to say or you want to bore someone and push them away from you is you talk about the weather.
Everyone has something to say about the weather. Whenever you meet someone, if they begin talking about the weather immediately, that means they're not actually engaged in the conversation and people are on autopilot. So you want to trigger autopilot for someone. Be like, they say something crazy to you, be like, wow, it's really snowing. Or wow, it really didn't snow. Or wow, I really miss when it snowed. Use snow and get yourself out of there.
The other tactic that I have learned over my long life of socializing is if you ever don't need to talk to somebody, the one thing people never challenge you when you say it to them is, "I need to find a restroom."
go find a bathroom. You can go to the bathroom all night and no one's going to question you, think about it. If anything, they're going to have sympathy for you because if you keep going, they're going to be like, are you okay? You could say, actually, no, I do need to go home. I need to leave. Or you go to the bathroom, call a friend, go to the bathroom, think about that safe person Saeeda and Sam were speaking about. So just go back and gather yourself, create a safe space, which is a bathroom for everybody, typically. Not everybody, but most people can find safe space in the bathroom and go there and reimagine it.
I'll say I've always come to kind of admire smokers during the holidays because they have a built-in excuse to step away. Now, what I love that Zach is pointing out, there's all kinds of ways to be, oh, I'm so sorry. I just, where's the restroom? You know, you just kind of got to get up and, oh my gosh, I see you need another drink, uncle. Let me go take care of that for you. I think it is smart to like just step away, even just for a couple of seconds to reset. And you know what also helps? Ask for a chore. Someone needs help. Wash the dishes. Cut the carrots.
Clean up the table. People leave you alone when you're working. They sure do. There's ways. There's ways. Also, one more tip, and this is a tactic that always works if you feel the need to just take more time for you in all holidays. A rule I have for myself now when I'm home for the holidays or visiting family is a simple one. I only owe any visit 90 minutes. Mm-hmm.
90 minutes. I can stay an hour and a half. I can perform the best version of myself. I can be on and engaged and showing love. But if at 90 minutes, I'm not feeling it, I get to go. And that allows me to not like have a definitive way out. It also means that I am better prepared to show the best version of myself. Because the thing that happens a lot with these holidays, you feel an obligation to stay all day and night. And that's when you get tired and you start arguing.
What you really want is a break and a nap. And so having that rule about 90 minutes helps me say, okay, I've done my part, but now I can just go take care of me for a bit. I,
I hate it when families feel pressure to be up under each other Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, day after Christmas, just because they're supposed to. That's why you're fighting. Go take a break. Go do you. You have some space in the midst of being with family. That's my little takeaway. 90 minutes. I love that. And I think what I would add to that and what I've done in the past is when you have to leave something, whether it's a family obligation, a work event or something, name why you're leaving and just honor that for yourself. It's like, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.
I'm tired. I didn't have rest. So if someone asks you, you're not in the defense trying to make up an excuse or lie to them and say like, make up some reason why you left. Just like sit in and like own why in your body you don't want to be there. And like, that's enough for you to go. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So something I wanted to talk to you both about...
It's something I know I'm dealing with. I have friends, friends of ours that are dealing with it this season. And it is the topic of grief. It does feel like every year someone in our lives is either going through a hard time or is passing away. And you know, the holidays are so hard because even if you haven't lost someone this year, it reminds you of someone that has been lost in the past because it's such a time of reflection.
And I feel like this year is the first year in which people are feeling less shame to be together due to the pandemic. So it's going to be the first time that many people probably have been back together since they have lost somebody. So I would love to know, and I really want to start with you, Sight, because you've written so much so beautifully about the process of grief. How should people be navigating grief this holiday season since grief has also become so political late?
with people just ignoring it due to all the loss in the country. Oh, a few things, a few thoughts in these 10 years of missing my mother. One, sit with yourself, not on the plane, not in the middle of the airport before you leave home, sit with yourself and reflect on how you feel.
Do some private work before you begin to add complications and multipliers and all of that. I hope everyone does that, but you can do that for yourself. Sit with yourself. Second, try your best to compassionately remember even when they're driving you crazy. Everyone grieves in their own way.
And our relationships to gender, age, generational norms, all of that's going to influence how people deal with their grief. You know, some people have been raised not to address their emotions. Some people have been raised to lean into them dramatically, whatever. So just, you know, just try to have that perspective in mind so that, you know, when your grandfather is wilding out,
you can at least be like, okay, let me extend him a little bit of grace. Let me try. He's coming at this from a different angle. And then in terms of like an in the moment, and honestly, you can just do this by yourself sometimes, like when you're home. It's a little odd. I start with this sentence. Remember when so-and-so? Do you remember that time so-and-so did? Lead yourself to a joyful, sizzling,
vibrant memory that colors you with warmth and laughter. And if you're with other people, you know what I mean? I would do that, you know, like, remember that time mom wrote an entire novel about the Jackson five because she was such a Jackson five. And then my aunt goes, oh my gosh, I remember the entire wall of her bed, you know, and now we're coming together. Well, and that's beautiful to hear you say, Saeed, because it speaks to what I think is
A trap sometimes grieving families fall into. They're dealing with grief of a lost loved one, and they think the way to get through it is to not talk about that person at the holidays. Talk about it. Their memory is there. It is a shadow. It is a cloud over the holiday. My dad passed away when I was 18. And for years after that, every family holiday, we just talked about what he would have been doing had he been there. Right.
For us to ignore him and just have one empty chair and not mention that, that makes it worse. We're allowed to speak of these people because they're gone, but their memory still exists and is very much alive. So yes, speak to it. Speak to the joy that they brought.
but at least acknowledge it. I think a lot of families just want to like not talk about the bad parts or the rough parts. You can talk about it and you can talk about it, Saeed, like you say, in ways that embrace the joy they brought. Absolutely. And you're right. That moment you go, oh, you know now he be complaining because we don't have the game.
- Oh yeah. - Oh, there's his chair. 'Cause there's also something that laughter, you're coming together and then other people are gonna start adding their memories too. And it's a physical kind of exorcism. You're releasing those emotions and you're right, Sam, the problem with the silence is that it's just staying in people's bodies. So now they're cranky and now, and then you're kind of sniping each other. But the laughter is like, kind of works in the same way as tears. - It does. - Let's it go, sets it free.
So like my dad famously could never actually say grace well for whatever reason. He'd start out being like, Lord, we thank you for this food. And then he would like just pivot to like random reflections. He'd be like, you know, it's cold outside, y'all, but we're here. Didn't see some of y'all last year, but we're really grateful. This game's going to be good today. You're like, what are you doing? And so like...
I often, like, if I have to say grace, I'm like, how can I do this in the spirit of my father? Or like, we'll joke about it as family. Like, there was one grace where he literally, in the middle of grace, we're all eyes closed, head down at a family reunion. He looks up and says, you know, some of y'all were here last year. Some of y'all weren't. Good to see you back in the place. And you're like, what are you doing? Yeah.
The shadiest grace ever. Yes. Yes. But like we held on to that and that was a way to always bring him and his joy in the situation. And to this day, he's been gone 20 years. We still know that bit. Right. Yeah. And it's that's fun, dad.
And I think what you're both pointing to right now, especially you, Sam, is that storytelling is not only healing, but it's also a way to keep people alive forever. And you got to keep telling the stories and pass them down. So if you are dealing with the fact that someone is gone, well, the best way to keep them is to talk about them and keep them around. Because I've seen personally in my own family, and I think we deal with this a lot. We as black people definitely know this, where it was a family member that died in an unfortunate way that may not have been a way in which your family wants to message about.
They just erase them immediately. And yet you feel their absence in a chair. I had that with an uncle who died from AIDS. I felt his presence for years after he died because no one talked about it. And now no one remembers anything. So the best thing you can do is talk about it. Tell the stories. It feels good.
when you're talking about it. It can transform the room. But also, you know, everyone's going to be experiencing it in different ways. And there may come a moment where someone's in a very different space and the person may be you. And I would say you can't rush grief. So if you come to a moment and the laughter is great and then you find someone off in another room just bawling, you may just need to sit with someone. Yeah.
You know, I think sometimes, particularly during the holidays with family, chosen family with friends, and someone's going through it. It may be grief. It may be some other kind of turmoil. Something easy you can do is just when they're off by themselves, just sit there. You don't even have to talk. Just sit with them. And if they want to say something, they will. But just kind of quietly sitting with them, you know, at the bottom of whatever well they might be at the bottom of. I think it can be really compassionate. Yeah.
All right, we're going to take another quick break, but don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.
We are back. As you know, here on Vibe Check, every episode we end with recommendations to keep your vibe right. In the spirit of Christmas and the holidays, our recommendations for this episode are going to be Christmas gifts for y'all. Special holiday recommendations for you during this season. We've got some good picks. Zach has what I believe is an entire filmography. Go ahead. Tell us.
Okay, so if you are a close friend of mine or just been around me for more than 10 minutes, I like to argue that the greatest American actress living is Kirsten Dunst. I think she is, and I'm not saying she's the best at acting. She is not Cate Blanchett. She is not other people that I think are like Meryl Streep. But I just think there's something about her that she's super under-celebrated and really consistent and has a massive personality.
that I think is just really, really wonderful. If you're at home and you're looking for a list of movies to watch with your family that are never like super crazy, like rated R, you're going to feel super uncomfortable, go to Kirsten Dunst's filmography because it holds Jim's, like Kiki's delivery service.
Very wonderful. Do you all know this movie? I love that movie. So it's a wonderful movie. I think it's the best of the Studio Ghibli movies. It's Kirsten Dunst. It's one of the best. I would say top three. Top three. Justice for Howl's Moving Castle. Oh wait, Howl's Moving Castle is probably number one. That is actually really good.
But Kiki's Delivery Service is wonderful. We have Interview with a Vampire, which made her a better actor than Brad Pitt right in that moment. We have Bring It On, which is a very good classic. You have Anastasia. You have Melancholia, if you're feeling sad. You have Virgin Suicides, if you're feeling, you know, a little like teenage angst. It just got everything for you. So Kirsten Dunst, check out her filmography. It's wonderful. She's a wonderful actor.
My recommendation, you know, those deep winter months here in Columbus, part of the issue with winter is not just the cold. We call it the gray dome. And it really started about this week. It's just this gray dome descends as
far as the eye can see. And so every day is so gloomy, even weirdly when it's not cloudy. And it just, you know, the seasonal affective disorder goes into like high gear. And I have found playing really colorful, vivid and enticing video games is a great way to kind of keep me alive inside during those winter months. So I'm going to recommend actually my three favorite
that have gotten me through the last three winters. The game I'm playing right now is God of War Ragnarok. The team behind this franchise has won a bunch of awards for voice acting, Game of the Year for the last iteration. God of War, that was really good too. It's a father and son game. And actually in this iteration, it's kind of like a game
of a chosen family. I won't go into the details too much, but it's kind of the father, the son, and then there's a talking headless man that stays with him. He stays on their belt. His name is Mimir. He was once the smartest man alive. Yeah. And he's kind of like a co-parent. Yeah.
And then there are two dwarves that end up living. So it's a bit like a whole little household of all these men that are kind of taking care of this boy, which is actually really sweet. I would also recommend the video game Hades, really creative storytelling. Again, in this case, it's about the prince of hell. He is Hades' son, and he's fighting back, and he's fighting his way literally out of his father, because the whole point of Hades is Hades is both the god and the
place. And so that's really interesting. If fatherhood is a house, do you want to stay in that house? It's kind of the question of the game. It's really good. And then one more, Assassin's Creed Valhalla. You'll notice there's a lot of Norse
Norse influences going on. And obviously I love mythology, but Assassin's Creed Valhalla, just incredible world building. And you will just, you play like, like a Viking who ends up in England in like the 12th or 13th century or something like that. It's just great. And it's just, you know, riding your horse through the countryside is just as beautiful as any big dramatic fight scene. And I just love all these games because it's like,
really good storytelling. The games are beautiful and rich. And so you can really just kind of fall into that world and like you forget that it is miserable. Yeah, because these are all RPGs, right? Role-playing games, technically. So it means that you are the protagonist. You are moving through story and narrative. It's a way to get lost in something. And now that I remember, because Assassin's Creed was last winter's game for me, Valhalla, you can make your Viking gay. Yeah.
And let me tell you, I had a baker boyfriend in one village. Wow. I had a little, I had a little, because you're journeying all over. I mean, it's, you know, it's really fun. You can choose gender and all that kind of stuff. And you get to make a lot of choices. So it's pretty fun. It's pretty fun. What about you, Sam? I will recommend a movie that the whole family can watch together that I think is actually a pitch perfect rom-com. And it models...
behaviors for families. It's called My Big Fat Greek Wedding. This movie is really good. So I remember being obsessed with this film when it came out. I had it on DVD. I watched it a lot.
I think it hits all the notes that a rom-com should in a really good way. And she's really funny, the lead. But also, it's all a story about a really close-knit family learning to love each other and set boundaries. Like, she has to navigate finding love while still being, in some cases, infantilized by her family, even as an adult. And her journey to trusting herself...
loving herself and her partner and finding ways to pull her family along. It's modeling the behavior you want from your family during the holidays. I think it's a great movie and it also has some lessons for us. So I can't speak highly enough of my big fat Greek wedding. And the lesson it gave me that I think about every time I look at this product is that Windex can clean anything and solve anything. Yeah.
Because there's a family member in her family. That's her whole family thinks Windex can do everything. And now every time I pick up a Windex bottle, my whole life, I'm like, oh yeah, you can use that for this, for that, to heal yourself, everything. It's really funny. It's like the Greek version of black people's relationship to Robitessa. 100%. Yes. So much of the Greekness of this movie is black coded. Like the whole thing that the dad is doing the whole time. He's like, well, you know, the Greeks made everything. And I'm like, oh my.
My black daddy would say the same thing too. You know, black folks did that first. Black folks made it. It's some really fun cultural parallels. I love this movie. Check it out. That's wonderful. All right, listeners, we want to know what you do to get yourself through the holidays. What helps you out? Give us some recommendations. You can always email us at vibecheckatstitcher.com. Vibecheckatstitcher.com.
All right, listeners, we've come to the end of this holiday show. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Vibe Check. If you love the show and want to support us, please make sure to follow this show on all your favorite podcast listening platforms and rate and review the show as well. Five stars, baby.
Also, if you like this show, spread the word IRL. Nothing beats word of mouth. Huge thank you to our producers, Shanta Holder, engineer Brendan Burns, and Marcus Hom for our theme music and sound design. Special thanks to our executive producers, Nora Ritchie at Stitcher and Brandon Sharp from Agenda Management and Production. And last but not least, thank you to Jared O'Connell and Imelda Skinder for all of their help. We want to hear from you. Don't forget, you can email us at vibecheckatstitcher.com and keep in touch with us on Instagram. Instagram.
LAUGHTER
If you know, you know. If you don't, congratulations. You can find me on Instagram at The Ferocity. Sam is at Sam Standards. And Zach is at Zach Staff. And of course, you can always use the hashtag VibeCheckPod wherever your platforms are sold and found. Also, of course, you can follow us on TikTok at VibeCheckPod. We don't have an episode next Wednesday, but we will be back on the 28th. So, Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy Hanukkah and happy holidays, my love. Bye. Happy Christmas, Hanukkah. Stitcher.
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