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Thank you for tuning in to the Hatchat Podcast with your three hosts, Christopher Trott. Just Christopher Trott. Hodson Trott. Come on, get it right, man. And Ross Hornby.
Just Ross Hornby? Just Ross Hornby, yeah. Just Ross Hornby. I can add Hotson to it if you want. Alex Smith. I have many names, but... Alan Smithy? Many. Oh, that's... Which we learned the other day. This is a new thing. Starts off with a little fun fact, a little bit of trivia. It was actually on a subreddit, I believe. Someone posted that basically an alias for a director in a film that they weren't happy with was the name Alan Smithy, because I guess...
Yeah, they weren't proud of us. They wanted to be associated. It's a fake name. So if you see a film directed by Alan Smithy, it's because they've disowned a film they had no control over, supposedly. They'd rather it be associated with that guy. And we call you Alan Smithy or Alan Smith. Alan comes up a lot.
I mean, it's easier to say, isn't it, Alan? Alex is quite a hard word to say. I often like, you know, the X sound. I've never struggled. I've never struggled, but then it depends on, I guess, what language you speak. What else has the X sound in it? Alex. Alexis. Snakes. Alexandria. Snakes. It does, you're right. Snakes, yeah. I mean, yeah. So why isn't snakes spelled S-N-A-X-E-S? Well, because you need snake. Snakes. Snakes.
is a plural sneaksies we could dismantle the english language i suppose i think we should i think that's what we're here to do today today is going to be an english language episode where the entire thing is going to be done in english yeah yeah that's mainly because we don't know any other languages lazy english people i think
I think that's, I do speak for most English people that don't learn other languages. You're calling them lazy? I'm lazy. I didn't, I feel like I should have learned another language. Do you think we're past the point of learning? No. Not necessarily. I don't think so. You can always learn, but... What language would you learn if you were given the option to like... Chinese. Yeah. Chinese? I was going to say the same thing. It's quite a complex language to learn, isn't it? What about writing? Would it be Mandarin?
Well, yeah, Chinese, Mandarin, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't bother with Cantonese. Okay. It's not spoken as widely. Spanish is supposed to be really like a common, like one of the most popular languages, most used languages, I suppose. Wouldn't that be a really good one to learn? Spanish? Just in terms of like geographically and countries you probably visited more than China. But the Spanish aren't going to be running the world in 10 years. How many times did you visit China?
Well, I think China's coming to me. Can you count on your hand how many times you've visited China? How many times you've been to Spain? I've got two fists in the air. You know I would like to. Zero. I would like to visit. I think I would. I think it'd be cool to see. Not all of it. Chongqing. I put a bit away. Fucking hell. Straight away.
that was a fairly safe one well there's a yeah it looked it looks it looks it looks like cyber cyberpunk yeah yeah some areas yes and then there's a huge amount of rural yeah um yeah and also a huge amount of like really industrial like don't breathe the air zones um no somewhere i watched a video of um and probably why it got recommended to me to be honest with you is um is it shenzhen no is it shenzhen
One of them's a really tech-forward city, but it's very much not like the other cities. It's way more tech-forward, so they're trying a lot of things, a lot of random bits. It is also, I think, one of the most surveilled cities in the world. Oh, is this where they have the eye tracker? Is it eye tracker or face tracker in general? All sorts of stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's incredibly surveilled, which is kind of crazy, to be honest with you. It's like, how much do you need to know?
clearly everything um but it is also quite interesting from a like what can they do with sort of unfettered um i don't know any kind of rules what would you want in return for that kind of um surveillance in this country as a as a citizen of this country what would you say you know what yeah i'll face face because obviously we have you know facial recognition on our phones i suppose in terms of
it scans our phones to allow us access to it and there's a lock right but like I think there's a variety of positives we can take from it okay with an enormous amount of negatives but let's take the positives yeah yeah I want all these cameras to detect my current health and flag me if there's a problem so apparently people with more haggard faces uh
more highly likely to have cancer. What in the fuck does haggard face mean, Jock? Describe a haggard face. You already... Dangerous as a slippery bloody slope of nonsense. I want to know what you've described as a haggard face. What the fuck is this? And also just like, imagine just walking into WH Smith and it's just like, alert goes off. Oh shit. You've got an illness. Haggard.
I came in here just for a book or maybe stationery. I've just been given a diagnosis. It's to do with face aging. Okay. So if your face is aging more rapidly, apparently there is AI to detect the likelihood of you developing cancer. You look too old. Haggard, haggard, haggard. But don't they already say it's like one in three? So should I mean...
It feels like most of the work's already been done for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're probably going to get it. It's like, oh, fuck it. I reckon I'd have a pretty good chance. Just... As in, like, you know, like, guessing. So, I think... So, one interesting thing in the video that they talked about and the person... What video? This first video about Shenzhen. Your question was about what would you be willing to trade for lack of privacy. Yeah, I guess in terms of, like... There's no crime.
There's no crime there. Like, like petty theft just doesn't happen now because you're guaranteed to be caught because you are literally tracked everywhere. What if they minority reported there where they're like, we can detect that you're more likely to commit crime. And they're just going to lock you up beforehand. Yep. And there's a chance of that. Yeah, there is. There's totally a chance of that. I mean, you know,
certain countries are using ai to i'm not going to go into too far guys i know there's various buzzwords we talk too much about in the podcast or try and make it diverse there are certain countries allowing ai models to select targets for their military targets right um so uh yeah yeah um so it's already happening anyway without wandering into that again um
How did we get on to that? I don't know. Kind of like, well, you mentioned technology. Like it's a surveillance state. I don't think there's anything really worth giving up that much. What about paying for things just with the palm of your hand? Contactless. Because I think that is a thing in that city where you just like put your hand near a reader. That sounds useful. And it's like, boom. It does sound useful, doesn't it? Like what data do they have? Well, the facial recognition would work as well. Like there's the subway there has a facial recognition scanner on it.
So if you sign up for that, you can just enter the subway and leave the subway and it will just charge you based on if it's easy to use it. Wow. Which I guess it also means that like, yeah, like if you, what if you pick something up and it charges you for it and you put it back down, does it refund that as well? It's only at the end.
It's only the end, yeah. When you're going through the checkout and it's like, now pay. It's immediately reminded me of those Amazon shops. Do they ever take off the supermarkets? I don't think so. Where it's like you walk around the store, you don't have to go to the tills, you pick up everything and then leave. It's a bunch of detection and cameras and stuff. It just registers your account and that's it. They might come back. It depends if they want to dominate the corner shop market or not. I don't think it's worth it to them. I think that, you know, also the reason you shop on Amazon is because it comes to you.
Yeah. Like if you were walking past a shop and you walk in there, grab what you want, walk out without any extra inconvenience and it just pays, that's pretty damn convenient. That's a good... I mean, but how much time is that really saving? I don't know. Well, if I was to guess, the problem comes with warehousing, right? So if you have a store like Argos, for example, Argos is essentially a front desk on a warehouse. Yeah.
And they have a lot of, the reason you end up using them is because they have a huge amount of in-stock items. You don't have to order it online. That's the point of a physical shop is people don't have to order it online. So with stuff like Amazon, they have a huge amount of choice, really low price, and they deliver it to you. I don't understand why going to a shop where you have less selection because they're warehousing, there won't be as big. Well, I'm not necessarily talking about Amazon as a brand. I'm talking about the functionality of walking into any shop
Just chucking stuff in your basket and walking out or in a bag walking out without having to like go through a till system which is what that is. Or someone chucks something into your basket. Well then you're paying for it I guess.
Does that happen often when you're walking around stores? I can say that has never happened to me walking around Tesco or Sainsbury's or whatever. If the way you shop is different though and you just walk out without thinking about it, you're more likely to have people...
I feel like you might want to spend more. I don't know. There's probably a psychological element of just grabbing and going where you're just like, I'll just get it and go and that seems quicker. But that's great. People don't want to queue. I hate queuing. In a society where everyone has enough money that you don't have to worry about shoplifting and where increasing the frequency of purchases, like you just said, is important, then yes, this would be a good system. But if you're not,
But unfortunately, you live in England where everyone's getting poorer. So actually, probably what's going to be needed is more interventionist measures to make sure people aren't shoplifting. I say what's needed. What's needed is supermarkets, not price gouging. But if you're thinking, if you're a supermarket, I'd imagine you'd be more interested in putting checks in place than making it easy for people to purchase. Well, they've added cameras now to, you know, when you go and check out and self-check out, they've added cameras which, like, your face suddenly pops up and it goes, oh, you're being watched. It's like, oh, fucking hell. That's usually like a,
little answer. Alright then, yeah. And you're like, gooning. They call my gooning face. That's me just bulking at the price at a regular shop. I think that's more of a dissuading. It says that you are being watched. Don't steal because it's so much easier to steal because you are just scanning your own stuff in and if somebody doesn't weigh properly or whatever, you might... I mean, I've accidentally taken stuff before. Thief!
You thief! Does it not have to happen to you? Criminal scum. Oh fuck, I forgot to scan that thing and it didn't even weigh anything and didn't scan properly but for some reason the scales didn't take it. Errors happen. You didn't immediately flag that up to the member of staff. I tried but the three people in the shop were disinterested. I'll be honest, I rarely pay for the bags. When I don't have a bag on me, I don't pay for the bag. I can't believe what we're revealing. And I'm admitting that now. That's insane. I don't care.
Because they used to be free. Craig is... And I think they should always still be free. I can't believe. They're charging like 50p for those fuckers now. It's like, you know what? Fuck you. You're part of the problem. Why don't you just take a bag to the shop? Arrest me. Why don't you take a bag to the shop? Arrest me, officer. Take me away. Why don't you take a bag to the shop, though? You know, prisons... Well, I just forgot it at the time.
so we're all paying sometimes you forget i can't i can't always have bags then pay for it fucking hell we're all having to pay well because of people like you and that's why the prices have gone up look the population of the prisons right now is 99 capacity they're not going to put me into a fucking taken carrier bags yeah that's a message out of you i mean that's a that's a forever who's at the most court time forever who's at the most court time here recently ross
It wasn't caught, it was a driving fine and the only reason I got it was because it happened a long time ago. They sent us the wrong address and I had to pay a lot of money. They're going to get you for the bags next, you've already got a marker. They're going to be second offencing you. You're going to go to prison for five years on the third. Ross, if you steal another bag you'll go to prison for five years. They're going to come for me and I'm going to be like, don't open that cupboard, there's a load of bags in there.
They'll see a bunch of, you know, carrier bags in carrier bags. It's what, you know, it happens. You're there like you've got them in your walls. Like, you know, like when they found all the money in there. Don't look in the walls. Don't look in the walls. It's full of Tesco bags. There's large bags in the trims. Keep tugging at it and there's just a load of bags come tumbling out. I can't believe what a criminal you are. There's a crime that I'm committing. Oh, shit. Here we go. On a daily basis. Oh, what crimes are we committing? Because I've done the math on this.
and live i park in the middle of bristol right oh yeah oh you didn't pay the cost an extortionate amount right the hours that i do and because it's weird hours because we stream in the afternoons it's before 5 p.m and not quite into the 6 p.m evening sometimes if we overrun i have to go into that midnight 6 p.m to midnight bracket yeah so it costs about 18 quid
to park there if i turn up so you can go and earn your money to pay your taxes to pay your council tax to pay for the fucking roads are not maintaining that you drove on to get to that private fucking car park yeah anyway sorry go on anyway so they have wardens obviously going around checking yeah don't get it every time do they no they don't and the fine is 25 pounds if you pay it early 50 if you don't pay within 30 days what if they get blackjack
And then I think they get all the winnings. Right, okay. And it doubles. Yeah, yeah. Either way, 25 quid, 18 quid. Yeah. Okay. Yes, that's more for one day.
But if they don't catch me on a second day... Your quid's in already. I'm up. It's £12.25 a day versus £18 a day if I don't get caught two days in a row. You've basically made money. They're basically paying you every time they find you. I'm riding the bus on this bad boy, basically. There is a theory that a lot of people like as well. I'd just rather pay the fines. The less you pay for parking, if that one time you get caught, you've probably leveled out.
But if you're in a place where it's checked vigilantly, just pay the parking. If it's like number plate reading bullshit, yes. But if it's like a person going around and occasionally you slip in there just after their shift and you leave just before their second shift or whatever, it times up nicely. Sometimes...
I'm not, it's just insane to put my car somewhere that's 18 quid. I've been Robin Hooding the ticket machines. What ticket machines? You know, the parking ticket machines. Smash them up and chuck all the coins at local kids. Robin Hood. Yeah, I've been Robin Hooding them. Modern Robin Hood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smash them up, get all the pounds, chuck them at the kids as they come by. They love it. There are times I forget to pay for parking. Yeah. But like, I haven't consciously gone. I think I know who's parking I'm paying for.
I'm the most fucking, I feel like I give a different perspective in a lot of our media, but I'm quite law abiding in a lot of ways. And I'm always like Ringo-ing it. I paid £2.70, I didn't stop for five minutes. Ringo makes it easy. It's just there are times where I've opened the app, someone's called me or something and I've just forgotten to go back to it and I'm already away from my car and I've forgotten. Then I come back, no ticket.
That was the... I won. I gained two pounds. It's like doing a scratchy, isn't it? Same buzz. Yeah, same buzz. If you've shopped online, chances are you've bought from a business powered by Shopify. You know that purple shop pay button you see at checkout? The one that makes buying so incredibly easy? That's Shopify. And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it. Because Shopify makes it incredibly easy to start and run your business.
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Also, another hot tip, if you're out and about and you're actually low on money, old people are really easy to overwhelm. Oh, that is good. Right up there with my, when you go to a swimming pool, sometimes I pay to just go to a swimming pool without going swimming. I just check all the lockers for pounds and leave. No, normally, honestly, they don't believe anything. You just have to convince them that the road they're walking on, there's a small toll and I'm collecting the toll that day.
And that's a quick five from my pocket. You just have to wear a high-vis and you can get anywhere. Exactly. I always have a high-vis in my pocket. I don't have a carrier bag, but I have a high-vis.
And that's useful because you hear excuse me. I do know that there's a five pound toll for this very shows. Oh, oh, God I had no guys I was like, you know, you can be cash or card. I normally get bank transfers our whole economy economy our whole economy cannot run on scamming old people I Know it's the only source of wealth I walk away say you have to page give me a number then later on I'll scam them but again, I'll go on the fear fear tactic and
text them say that you know they're in danger of paying a bigger fine so they've got to pay the smaller fine and they send that money straight away straight away they are just clueless honestly
And that is actually a really rife issue. That is terrible. Yeah, we've seen scams. There's a whole BBC show now, or some might probably not BBC, it's too low-brow for BBC, but there's people that intervene in active scams. I don't know how they do it, but they had like an old lady on the phone. And the guy was like, we're going to have to call her. All right, I've got a number. Call her up. And then like when the guy hangs up, because they managed to terminate the call. And then in between the call between this old lady and the scammer, they call her up and be like, don't give me a code. Like it's a scammer, blah, blah, blah. She's like, oh, thank you very much.
Wow. And then that's when you scam them. That's when you hit them. Send it to me instead. Send it to me. I'm the safety police. We'll look after your money. Just scam us, scam us, scam us. It's a real scam cycle. In scamption. In scamption. There's plenty of tips and tricks like that to get by in our modern society where everything costs too much. There is. Do not pay. Also, because you're paying so many little kind of mini fines, normally you're just like, you can justify it and just be like, oh yeah, I guess I do have to pay that or...
you know, yeah, I should give all my bank details. Or only eat and drink at places where your friends work. So it's just the business owner that loses out. Yeah. Yeah. You should have to. That's sustainable. It is the system of who you know. It's very sustainable. Go to Pret enough that they start giving you pity copies because you spent 40 quid in Pret that day.
And if your face looks particularly haggard as well. Yeah. They're like, you're dying. Oh, you must be dying. Have a coffee. Have a free coffee. So wearing prosthetics that makes you look more aged, I think will get you more empathy. Okay. And free drinks. Nice. So like that old man character that Johnny Knoxville plays. Yes. Right. Oh, I see. I mean, it feels like a lot of work.
On your part to guess. How much do you think the prosthetics cost for Johnny Knoxville to look like that old man? It's an investment isn't it? You spend at the beginning.
then you keep that latex suit really well kept with a lot of maintenance. Or you go method with it and actually become haggard. What would be your method for becoming haggard? Method. It doesn't take long. And obviously just camping alone is probably a good reference, but just sleeping on the streets for a night or two and you're already going to look
I mean, there's the level of how you go, oh shit, okay. That's a puffiness that happens to your face, isn't it? It's a very strange kind of... It's just sleeping outside, waking up when the sun comes up. Yeah. And just feeling... And not wanting to. Naked. Yeah. And just obviously achy because you've lived on the cold hard ground. All those things will make you look haggard straight away, unfortunately. That's just, you know... So you could do that. Yeah. Rough it for a couple nights. But then that's just... It's just like a homeless simulator, I suppose. Yeah.
I don't know if that's something you want to advise to people. How long do you think you could survive busking? Busking? I don't think I've got any kind of real talent to go on this. Maybe that would be what got people to pay me, though. Yeah, what would you do? You're so bad. If you had just yourself, maybe more. I would find a Casio keyboard and really, really lean on the demos on the Casio. Do you know what I mean? Like playing...
And then you kind of like, then you can build up from there. I can feel it, girl. I think, yeah, the real breadwinner would be having the cute dog. Yeah. That's by your side. And obviously, you know, you can't, you know, you shouldn't feed him for at least two or three days. So he looks even more tired and hungry. They'll start tossing money at you. You could make it look like Murph is playing the keyboard.
You really could. That would be quite funny. Yeah, quite an enduring thing. You'd find that hilarious. What I would have is, if anything, a black morph suit and maybe have a screen and then I'd be puppeteering him behind a keyboard. Yeah. And I don't know how long he could tolerate that for before just being really annoyed that I'm just kind of puppeteering him. But I mean, it's innovation like that. You wouldn't stay homeless for a song. It was long, would you though? No. No.
You wouldn't stay homeless for long. Suddenly you got a label. You straight immediately innovated your way out of homelessness. What's my cost target? Because I feel like... Well, you've got to have a dog in the first place. Yeah, that's immediately... But if I'm not feeding him, people will give him food. Yeah. Because immediately I think that, you know, when I see a dog with a homeless person, I actually just... Maybe I guess inhumane it sounds, I want to feed the dog.
And only because I know that that guy's obviously barely able to feed himself. He ain't going to be handing over steaks to the dog, is he? Steak? But what if the dog smokes a lot of heroin? What if the dog likes a lot? What's the dog? Well, I give him a bit of heroin. Treat him. Okay. A real dog's treat. He's itching. He's fiending. A real dog's treat, yeah. Heroin. A little cheeky bit of H. No, it's okay. No, I don't have H on me. So with the UK, we're just painting a picture of what the UK is like right now.
thinking about homelessness, thinking about stealing from old people and scaring them. Where do you think is a better place to live in the next 10 years? Anywhere. Yeah. The moon? Anywhere but the UK. The moon. There's got to be loads of places that are nice to live. What's a real up-and-comer that isn't doom and gloom like...
A real up-and-comer. Most of the Western world, it seems. In the world. Yeah, like a good place to... Well, I mean, you've got some places exhibiting growth, very few places exhibiting growth, but by and large, we're all suffering through the same conditions. It's a global depression. Yeah, yeah. Also, it's not just necessarily even a depression, it's just the phases that the world goes through. You know, like, can't always be great, peaks and troughs, sine waves, all that sort of jazz. I think...
Switzerland, if you're born into a Swiss life, seems pretty fucking good because...
the quality of life is very high there but it's also exceedingly expensive so really the only way that you can tolerate it is either by being a very rich person who goes and lives there or you're born into a family that already has you know all their property paid for etc but most of the swiss people i know seem to have a very nice life but that's because they're all on six figures and all went to private schools and all like you know like it's basically just an enclave of the rich i'm sure there's not was that that's the qualification to be your friend though isn't it what
We have to have gone to private school. And be Swiss. Yeah, that's why I hang out with you guys. We have to be Swiss as well. Yeah, Swiss. We kind of just fell through the net. Yeah, you were like, you're not Swiss. Wait, speak French, German, or one of the other languages they speak. No, none. All English. Magusta. Magusta. But yeah, no, I mean, like, if I was going to get born somewhere other than England, I'd probably consider Switzerland. The Nordics are pretty good as well. Yeah, I mean...
I don't know. Is it rainy? What's the climate like? It's quite cool. Yeah, I think it's nice. When does the lease on the warehouse finish? I mean, that's private financial information. Should I start?
Packing my bags is what I'm saying. They won't have you anywhere. What do you mean they won't have me anywhere? They won't have you anywhere. I provide so much. You don't have a STEM degree. I just gave up three. You're a fucking film graduate. It was like, you know, the sad thing is...
You can't get anywhere. The Americans won't have you. The Australians won't have you. None of the Canadians, none of our Commonwealth will have us anymore. They'll have the fucking Irish though. The Irish have got loads of Gucci fucking visa situations with the Canadians. What the hell happened? I could probably do the accent. Which one? Irish. I don't know if you could. I've not heard you do an Irish accent before. Are you going to go for a Northern or an Irish? Probably Northern. Yeah? Yeah.
It is a fun one, admittedly. It's a very fun one. So you're saying there's no chance of emigration? No one's going to take you, Trot. So we're stuck in the UK? Unless... I mean, your only hope is to get a nice chunk of cash built up in your bank account and maybe buy yourself a golden visa. You might be able to get into Portugal. I can't with all these parking fines. Go to Portugal, but all of Portugal's on fire. So, you know, I wouldn't say it's the best pick because climate change is really fucking that part of the world. It's preheating up. So Scotland...
Scotland's realistic. Scotland's a realistic. Scotland's pretty realistic. Yeah. Yeah, it's cold though. But they're going to start shutting, they're going to build a wall soon and keep all the English out. Well, it's a good thing I've been practicing my Scottish accent as well as my Irish accent. That is good. Can we get a sample of that? The Scottish is probably better than your Irish. Yeah. Yeah.
You're right, pal. You want a little iron brew? Oh, you're offering people iron brew? Why is it so seductive, though, when you do it? Because he's on the streets at this point. Because he couldn't get a job up there. I'm going to lay my little Casio keyboard. Why don't you come a little closer? I'll show you my...
throw me a few pennies you're doing one as well now i am this is a okay visa visa bam bam granted there it is for some reason i now work for the scottish government uh come on in we do do you think you could pass the british citizenship probably not no no do you want to do it yeah i mean is it quick is it yeah i'll do a bit of it
Well, maybe we should have a little skim and see if there's anything that you don't think that we would know. Because, yeah, what... How about life in the UK? Test number one. Here we go. Life in the UK. What is known as Lent? What is known as Lent? And there's three options here. Is it 40 days following Easter? Or Easter after Christmas or before Christmas? Or after Easter? There's four options. I thought it was following... Is it before Easter? Yes. Lent. I think it is. Before? After? After?
I'm going to say before. Before, correct. Jesus was reborn. Which country's flag is not part of the Union flag? Is it Wales, Ireland, Scotland or England? Wales. I don't think Ireland is. Wait, yeah. It's actually Wales. It's Wales. Is it Wales? Wales. So where's Ireland? There's no dragons on there. It's a white and a blue, isn't it? Wait. There's no dragon. So it's Northern Irish, not Irish. You mean the GB flag?
Union Jack. Because you have the Scottish cross with the blue, the English and then... Apparently the Irish is in there as well. There's a green or...
Is it the Northern Irish flag? There's a distinction here. Fun with flags, people. Fun with flags. We'll move on to the next question. What is the judiciary responsible for? Deciding whether a person's guilty, looking after a jury, putting people in prison or interpreting the law. A judiciary. What are they responsible for? The judges. Is it deciding whether a person's guilty?
Judiciary? No, because that's a jury. Are they looking after the jury? The jury decides the guilt. So they're looking after the jury then? What are the other options? Putting someone in prison. Interpreting the law. Looking after a jury. Deciding whether a person's guilty. Interpreting the law, I would say, is probably my guess. Correct. Nice. Judges who are together called the judiciary. So it's a collection. It's like a...
A fleet of judges. A collection of judges. Interesting, are they ships? They're ships. I'm passing like ships. When did the Habeas Corpus Act become law? Is that the one they're saying that might be like...
removed or something this is all in the 1600s so it was um i saw that that specific thing what is the happiest corpus can you describe what that is no it just doesn't tell you so it's either 1685 87 1679 or 1683 all right that's four that's a four multiple choice all in the 1600s of course late 1600 i'm gonna throw a guess at 1685 just to throw a guess out there
They're all quite close. Incorrect. 1679. Shit, only six years off is all good. It was a very important piece of legislation which remains relevant today. I feel like, I swear I saw a headline saying they were going to do something to that. Habeas corpus is Latin for you must present the person in court. It is. The act guaranteed that no one could be held prisoner unlawfully. Every prisoner has a right to a court hearing. That's where I saw it.
After you explained it, it makes even more sense. Donald Trump wants to suspend it. Donald Trump wants to suspend it. Of course he does. Imprisonment without trial. So far, we're not doing too good with this citizenship test. That's why. We'll move on to the next one. Sounds quite important, actually, now that you've explained it all in detail. You want to be unlawfully imprisoned, yeah. Without a court. Wow, so removing that sounds... Sounds awful. Authoritarian. A little bit. Which of these events is the bombings...
of English cities by the Germans is it the Blitz the Dunkirk Spirit D-Day or the Battle of Britain it's Blitz isn't it Blitz yeah Blitz correct
Third option.
No fighting. New achievements sounds fucking like just very broad, doesn't it? There was no fighting. That does sound pretty glorious, doesn't it? There was no fighting in England because it guaranteed the power of Parliament ending the threat of a monarch ruling on his or her own as he or she wished.
So this test, if somebody was doing it... It became a constitutional monarchy. Is it always going to be a multiple choice test if somebody had to do this? I think so, yes. So you could just do a... You could blank it. You could study it, basically. You can study what the question would be. Yeah, like any test in school, right? Yeah, if you study for it, you might pass it.
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You learn about British history, which is the point, right? No, I've never revised either. Which of these venues is located in Greenwich? Is it the SECC? The O2? The Auditorium de Tenerife? Oh, I wonder where that is. The Copenhagen Concert Hall? Yeah, I wonder where that is too. The O2? Yep. Correct. I'll do one more. Yeah, great. That's where they decided that time is mean. Oh, fucking hell. I don't want to end on this one. Next one.
When did the UK leave the EU following Brexit? It's 2020. Well, when was the vote? When did we actually? It was about the same time all the sovereignty started turning up. Well, the other options is 1957, 87 or 73. Oh, they're so far off. What would really have tripped you up would be 2016, 2019, 2020. Because I thought it was the end of 2019. That there was like...
But I know that was when the last kind of lead up to the Brexit. They just couldn't get Brexit done, could they? That was the problem. Well, they've done it now. Well, let's not end on Brexit. Let's end on this one. When was the first British Prime Minister, which is Sir Robert Walpole, in power? So, Walpole. 1742 to 46, 1714 to 21, 1707 to 1714, or 1721 to 1742?
The first ever Prime Minister. Hey. I'm going to go... 42 to 46. God, yeah, like... So that's four years. Yeah, 1742 to 1746, maybe. Incorrect. 20 years. He was actually 1721 earlier, up to 46. The first man to be called Prime Minister was Sir Robert Walpole. Christ. Who was Prime Minister from 1721 to 42. That's fucking ages. 21 years, right? Yeah. Can't beat old Bob Walpole, can you?
Fucking love him. 20 fucking years. That's a long time. Bob knows what he's doing. Then they changed it, right? I assume they changed it. Soon after. Yeah. Jesus. He was known for a lot of civic works. That's shaped quite a lot in that time. They called him Bob the Builder. They didn't call him Bob the Builder. They didn't call him that. He was known for his civic works.
Robert Walpole Bob the Builder good old Bob that's what Bob the Builder is based on 20 years the first Prime Minister of England it's pretty deep and historic in that sense alright well that was good I don't recall being taught a lot of that stuff you don't recall some of that stuff I just recall my convenient secondary school history teacher being locked in a cupboard a lot
So my history was scuppered by my... It was our German teacher. My German teacher had that treatment. It was pretty rough. I made my history teacher laugh using a neo-Nazi joke and she was the only person to laugh in the whole room. Nobody else did. And she was like, that's very clever. And nobody else got it. That was probably the best moment of my entire history. Can you recall the joke or not? Or would it be insensitive to do so?
It was something about like, yeah, yeah, my... I can't... No, it wasn't insensitive. It was just like, it was talking about... She was talking about neo-Nazis and I was like, I missed it around. It was like... I'm like, nice. Do you think that's... Nobody asked me. Do you think the teacher in the cupboard scenario is a unique experience to British people or do you think that happens all over? I don't understand how it happens. Well, maybe it happens...
I mean, we went to school. Someone goes in there to get some more papers. Some fucking kid in the class thinks it's funny and closes the door and then holds it. And then it's like, oh, ha ha. But certain teachers send the message that you can't do that with them. They cry. Sorry? Not all teachers allow that to happen. Oh, God, no. Some teachers send a message that's like, stop fucking around. I will ruin your life. That's what you need to do.
Lay down the law. Lay down the law. I mean, admittedly, my teachers got away with some pretty fucking... One guy got another guy. One of my teachers got a kid in a headlock. Oh, wow. Which I think probably would have been frowned upon now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they used to whip kids in the Victorian era, didn't they? That was a thing. Yeah. They used to literally, like, strike them with a stick. Yeah. Did they lock them in covers back then? No. They definitely wouldn't. They would dare. Yeah.
You get strucketh just for like spelling something wrong. Too busy down the cotton mill after school. That was the thing. Did you ever do one of these experiences of a Victorian school? No, but we did have the banquets. Do you remember those? Yeah. Medieval banquets in our main hall. That's pretty cool. And they put out long tables, put hay on the floor, had a pig's head.
And they sacrificed one of the kids. They sacrificed one of the kids, the headlock kid. The headlock kid got thrown off a really high rock. We went to a Victorian school. Okay. Or like at least a themed school. I think it was obviously like... Well, they were living it. Well, no, but obviously it was a case of like you had to sit in the chairs, which like would keep your like back completely straight. It was like this hard, like right angled wooden chair, which would just be extremely uncomfortable.
We handed out chalkboards and they would do like a whole kind of like a lesson on how you would learn back then. Then they discussed the whole whipping thing if you did something wrong. They just discussed it. Well, they explained that it would be obviously...
immoral now to do such things. Do you think that if somebody injured themselves whilst at this Victorian school, they would have refused to use modern medicine to treat them? They would have been like, I'm sorry. You need the arsenic. I don't think you need the arsenic. It's a very strict Victorian-themed school. There's absolutely no way we're going to treat that with any modern medicine. We can't let an ambulance in. You're going to have to either find a way to get them off of the grounds, or we're just going to have to do what we did in the Victorian era, and we're going to get Terry over here to dig a hole in the back...
We've cut a hole out of their head. A spoonful of mercury and a hole in the head for this one, I think. They've broken their leg. We're going to have to cut a hole in their skull. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And they get one of these little screw... Oh, Jesus.
No, but that was quite an experience. And it was awful because it was like, oh, God, this is horrible. And I wonder if they did that just to show you how good it is now. Kind of, I assume so. Well, you see. Yes, this school may be failing on the local and the popular awards, but at least it's not Victorian. Worse. I'd rather have a leaky toilet than a whipping regime. Yeah, no, we did do a couple of these things. I went to a cotton mill, an old cotton mill, and saw how that worked. Kind of interesting, really. Learning all about the spinning jenny.
And various other... What does she do to deserve the spinning? Well, she...
I haven't got a quick answer to that, unfortunately. But yeah, it's a kind of button making machine. It weaves cotton into usable fabrics. There's many different types. There was the flying shuttle one as well. Basically, it was just all about how kids used to lose their hands to machinery. Oh, yeah, very dangerous. How exciting that was. And then they'd go home and earn like so little. And for me, it's just the perspective there is how you can think that that's fine.
What do you think they should do now, like to kind of teach kids that school isn't too crazy? Maybe go to like...
I don't know, like a sweatshop or something. Ban their account on Fortnite and Roblox. Just ban their accounts. I'd put them in the Chokey, like the film Matilda. I'd take away their vape and their phone and stick them in a room with a boiler and leave them there for like a year. How far back can you go before it feels unbearable? I guess before the internet. So what, like an 80s experience of school and see what that's like? Well, there's some schools that are trialing where you lock your phone.
It's all like lockers when you sign in. - Oh yeah, I think a lot of schools are starting to do that. No phones in time. I think that that's really good. I do not know how kids would focus with phones during class time. That's so crazy.
I, although honestly, I shouldn't be in charge of like other people's choices because I think I very quickly go down the road. You bring the whip back and make it so quickly. I would just be like, this is what's good for you. And I'd probably be wrong, but I'd be confident enough to think that I was right, which is what's dangerous. So I don't think I should. Yeah. I mean, we, yeah, we weren't allowed phones when they were a thing. Obviously if they were caught with a phone, they would just confiscate it and then you'd get it at the end of the day.
And all we had on it was a fucking snake. Yeah, it was only a bit of snake. Or you would just be texting and whatever. True. Using up your SMSs of the day. We topped up. Just take the phones away. There's a lot more distractions on a phone now. So I can see why they might want to pop them away. You can't focus when you've got something else to distract you. No. So...
It's just like, it's just there, isn't it? And it's addictive. Yeah, just like anything. It's like smoking. It's like people smoke more when there are more people smoking around them because like, it's just there. It's part of your landscape. People are walking into the roads just looking straight down. Oh, did I do that? Yeah, I do that. Yeah, there was somebody who was like, I was following for a while and obviously my car doesn't make a lot of noise. You got one of them stealth cars? It's a stealth car. It's a pedestrian killer on purpose. It's a pedestrian killer. Yeah.
But I was behind, like right behind them, they were just walking straight in the middle of the road, looking down, obviously down at the phone, big headphones on. And I was just like, I don't want to be an asshole honk my horn. So I waited, but I wanted to. You just gently nudged him with the front of your car. So I just ran him over. You gently went straight into the wheels. You gently took him off his feet. I just gently knocked him. Swept him up. They kind of lost their balance and I just kept going.
Well, that's the nice thing about these electric cars. They're so talky that you can get up to speed really quick in a short distance. You don't have to. You press the sport mode. You don't even have to think about it. I think that needs to be... Fucking phones. They weigh loads. They weigh a lot. You crush them. They are struggling. And obviously because of the shape of the front of the car, it's hard to clamber up from that. Yeah. So you've got to go all the way over. Yeah. Heavy cars as well. Heavy cars. Oh, God.
Phones, man. They're killing people. These phones are killing people. And all of that just to avoid honking. Just to avoid a little... Don't want to make a fuss. I'll just quietly crush this guy. I think there should be two versions of the horn. There should be a gentler, more friendly horn. I agree. That would be a nice idea. Hey. Hey, get out of the way. Oh, sorry. And you can't... Which is such a difference from America where people honk at anything.
Like, that's one thing we notice when we go to America. The moment you're there, just people honking at fucking anything. It's like, well, I've got given a horn, so I'll use a horn. Get out of the way. And it's like, well, we're obviously queuing in traffic because of the fucking red light. It's like, that's why we don't honk a horn, because the road, you can read the road ahead. And you're like, oh, that's why. When I was in Mexico City, I asked my Mexican friend,
like why that was happening and i was like look we're literally that was happening so they have a grid system as well and like they had like 10 cars in a long queue you could see the traffic light you could see it was red everything was stationary they were waiting for their go on the grid five cars back just to go home yeah and i'm like why what's he achieving my friend replied with what i think is quite a funny response but not one that's going to satisfy an english person or a german person
the horn is an underused tool. It's what he said. He said, other countries just don't use it enough. They use it like a communication device, right? Like a, I'm here, I'm here, all this sort of stuff. And like, I want to move. Is everyone aware that there's not a light? Basically, the person five cars back was just sort of checking that everyone was awake enough to know that there was a light. And then it was like, oh, it is ready. But all right, okay.
What we're doing there is kind of what they're thinking. A tool is a tool. As in like, you're either warning someone that you're there and obviously alerting someone of danger or like, yeah, someone's stopped at a green light. They're not going. They're not paying attention. They're probably on their fucking phone. Give it five seconds and then... A little honk, just like, oh yeah, of course you should be going or like, you know, or fuck, you're in the way. Or...
Shit, there's kids in the road. Drive faster. Do you know what I mean? Get them. I've been beeping more frequently over the last year or so. I've noticed that my... But honk in the UK is a serious thing. When someone receives a honk, you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck did that... What happened?
Is that me? It's an insult. It's a real insult, I think. So I've noticed that people have got worse at using their indicators, I think. People are not using indicators enough, right? But then also, people in Bristol, and kind of understandably, the road markings are shit here, but they do not understand lanes on roundabouts, and
And people constantly drift across roundabouts. And because they're not indicating either, you've got no idea like roughly where they're going. And so I usually give them a horn. And then every single time it's usually the bear pits, usually the bear pit. Every single time I get like the hand out the fucking door, like what, what, what? And I'm just like,
Do you know what? I sometimes wish there was some sort of button you could press, which you know where they have that text going across? Yeah, yeah. It just goes like, this is why, indicate. Or like, at least show me where you're going so I know where I'm going. Because I don't want to damage my car! Someone's going to hit someone in those instances. There's a particular road coming out of London near the airport, which is a motorway, where they've just...
forgotten how motorways work have you noticed that on the way back from men is fate uh right there's a particular motorway where there's just people in all the wrong lanes oh yeah drifting about no one indicates there's people undertaking like fucking crazy yeah it's just this specific stretch of road where it's just like suddenly they've all forgotten it's
It might be the ring road or something. It might be the top of the ring road you're joining where it becomes wacky races. It's crazy and people just stay in weird lanes and it's very dangerous. I think the most psychopathic thing is seeing someone indicate the opposite way they're actually going. That's crazy. That's so dangerous. I don't even understand. That's crazy. Especially if you're going, oh, I'll go past. They're obviously indicating left, but they just turn right. Why? Why have they done that? And I still won't honk.
I'll reserve that because you know that is a real cutting thing when you honk. People have had the honk. They've received the honk. I don't think I've tested out my honk properly on my Kia. It's been like two years. If you haven't had the honk, you're the honk. That doesn't make any sense. If you can't see the idiot, you're the idiot. My car drives itself.
My car drives itself. I can fall asleep and I'm there. That's crazy. That's not true. That is crazy. Also, just talking about that quickly, I thought about it the other day and I thought, I remember when we were first seeing like self-driving cars. We were in one. Yeah. And we were like, wow, this is kind of crazy. And yeah, we were in one years ago, the Model X. And we trusted so hard in there. And we trusted pretty hard. Going around a particular corner, I remember that, whoa. Yeah.
But, yeah, like, I remember genuinely thinking back then, like, holy shit. In, like, five years max, I'm literally going to have my own taxi because I'm going to be able to summon my car, right? I'm going to be able to go, like, I want to be picked up from here. And this is going to be so useful. But we're so far from it still now. We're so far from it. I can't believe how fucking...
How much I thought it was going to happen. The closest thing is in California, I think, with Waymo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got those self-trailers. They're like covered in fucking sensors, right? Is it Seattle? It might be Seattle, actually. Is it Seattle? I think it's spread to multiple cities now. But there's been cases where people have been sat in those cars. Obviously, there's no steering wheel or anything, and then it's been in like a really awkward position, or people have stood around it to stop it and then started spray painting it. Oh.
Oh, great. And just like vandalizing it because obviously it's going to stop. Have you seen the video of the guy that gets stuck in the back of one as it does loops around a car? Oh, really? It's funny as fuck. I would never get in one. No. Until that has been tested fully. I don't know. I'd never want to just get in. I wouldn't relax. I might get one for the novelty.
And if it's a short journey, it's like, yeah, it's only up the road. Okay, let's give it a go. I'd be fine. I'd do it. I don't know. There's no steering wheel to get you out of any danger. If it stopped in the middle of a massive cross junction... It wouldn't.
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One of them did. What's the steering wheel going to do? What are you going to do? Adjust the angle of the wheels? Well, if there was an override. Whatever. You big baby. You just want a little bit of control. If there was an override. Man up, pussy. You're going to die. If there was an override, I'd be more comfortable. Rather than going, well, now I'm just sat in a box that could just get smashed up. What are you going to do? Leap from the back seat to the front seat to avoid a fucking crash? Fool. It's not going to happen. Well, it depends on whether it's just... The same reason you don't get given a parachute on a commercial flight. There's no fucking point. But there are so many variables. I guess that's why it's not a thing now. Driving a car is just not...
But then how many fucking Uber drivers are terrible as well? How many other Uber drivers do not understand that you can hold the accelerator at a consistent pitch to maintain speed rather than pump it like you're fucking using a kick drum on a drum kit? Yeah, but somehow they pass the driving test. Taxi drivers scare me. Yeah? They do. They're terrifying. They make eyes at you. They get bored on the road and they just want to cut corners and get fast.
Which is kind of crazy, considering the moment they lose their license, they've lost their livelihood. Yeah. And yet they are the most reckless drivers. But it's not really being enforced. That's why. No one's really stopping them. No, I think they are supposed to be more lenient if it is your job. So you just compress supposedly? Supposedly. Disposedly. That's good. Supposedly. I'm not thought about doing that. Optimized. They are a bit more lenient if it's your job, which seems kind of odd, because if it is your job, they should be stricter.
If you're like fucking up the roads and like, you know, cutting people off and doing all this other stuff, it should be your responsibility to, you know, they should be saying, all right, mate, here's more points. Wasn't there some guy who had like fucking like 30 points in his license. He was still on the road. So legally allowed to drive his car. Cause it happened over a certain period of years. Yeah. Something like that. Um, do you get points for parking fines? Just quick one. Unrelated parking fines. No. Okay, cool. No,
No, no. Because I'm loaded up right now on so many parking fines. It's insane. Can't see for yellow slips. Not paying. I thought you were going to leave the stickers on. I got 70 points on my hands. You got a high score. Woohoo. No, yeah. That's just a private like thing. Yeah.
But anyway, I don't know how we got onto that. Well, that's what Hat Chat's all about. It's to meander through what is life with ever-aging. Yeah. The big questions in our book right now are, how do we get away with fines? Also, back to the car talk, it does make you worry more for cyclists and stuff. Yeah. And also, if you leave earlier than 9 a.m. to go anywhere,
it's so hard not to hit cyclists sometimes oh yeah they are everywhere and obviously you know i think it's a good thing i would be one of them right now but it's just like god like it is a fucking minefield and they they're always angry even if you're slightly like just a little bit pronounced there's two perspectives i've been i don't want to piss a cyclist off
It's all dangerous. They'll throw their bike at you, man. It doesn't... Like, self-driving cars or not, it's still dangerous because you just get squashed. But the other thing is, like, Bristol is a really good example of terrible fucking cycle lanes. No one abides by the cycle lane. Yeah. I saw someone stop dead in the middle of that main one, like, right in the centre. I was like...
watch out because a fucking bike is going to go whizzing past you but the thing is like i think about telling people like oh by the way you're in a bike lane but there'll just be another tourist the next day who you'll have to tell you the problem is like there's not enough physical signage it doesn't look very clear doesn't it but you know what they did that the councillors they got suggested a uh a
bright red cycle lane um and in a better place but they were like oh aesthetically it doesn't look good so instead they went for the cobblestone that meanders meanders through the fucking through one of the busiest areas of the pedestrian genius have they seen bristol yes what aesthetic are we going for here yeah i know right yeah filling in all the fountains now so that's cool it's just uh it's just one of the you know how you always used to hear your parents going about like oh the bloody castle
You can understand. Yeah. Now it's there. It's a bunch of idiots that do it as like a part-time job, I think. And I'm, it's just astounding, but it's probably thankless doesn't pay enough. And everybody with the right ideas is doing something more important. So, uh,
chat to them I suppose what we need is I've never hit anyone that's pretty good isn't it all the years we've been driving I've never smashed into anyone I have as a cyclist hit into someone's wing mirror by accident because I thought I could weave between these stationary cars and then I wasn't confident enough to just keep cycling properly and like wavered a little bit and then smacked into the windscreen I did stop and apologise did it break anything no no just clipped it just a little clip but it was enough for me to be like oh sorry about that
I was on a scooter once coming down Park Street, full fucking pace, right? So I'm on one of those little tiny Segway scooters we had down Park Street. I came down around the corner past Swoon and then down to the bowl, you know, like around that bottom of the hill there. And, you know, there's a tiny little street next to like where the theater is. It's not even the main one. So you know where that one is, where the Cat Cafe was. Back up from that again, there's an even smaller one.
It's like a back access for a lot of the units there. Somebody pulled out of there as I came around the corner and I was just like, how do I stop? So I did the most incredible thing that I wish somebody had filmed. There was like a, one of those like rounded old, like banister style railings, you know, on the end of the fencing there, metal fencing. I jumped off the scooter, grabbed the top of the handle, grabbed the railing and flung myself around and like spent all my men, my men momentum by curling round. Like, so it,
Honestly, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. I was going like 30 mile an hour, I reckon. I jumped off, grabbed the thing, curved round. And then the back wheel of my scooter came out on that arc and rolled along the door of the guy that had pulled out, but didn't even hit it hard. It just rolled along it. And I was just like, you're right, mate. And I'm like, yeah.
That was the coolest thing I've ever done. Did you see that? You weren't filming. You've got a dash cam. You fucking filmed that, man. Yeah, but I regularly bomb it down Park Street and haven't died yet. Park Street as well? It's steep. Oh, that's good. It's really fun. Not on the scooter now. I used my bike. I used my bike now. I did it on the scooter once. Those things are a death trap. That thing relied on a back brake as well, which, again, was not... That's why I had to jump off, grab it, and try and use the railing to land anchor myself. Went really well. A weird fact.
for you because obviously Bristol is one of these trial places where they're trialing scooter rentals yes for some time they have done that I don't think it's even a trial anymore I think it's just we have it it is now there were lots of concussions and things early on as the uptake of scooters has increased over the years injuries have gone down yeah because people are learning how to ride them yeah
I don't see... Even though the app tells you to, I haven't seen one person with a helmet on their skin. Because you don't naturally carry a helmet around with you. It's absurd to suggest that they would. Nor do you naturally carry a carrier bag. Back to that. Well, you take dog food, nor do you naturally carry dog food bags. A lot easier to pack down a carrier bag than it is a helmet, I will say. Also, why don't you just put your shopping in a dog food bag if you're carrying them everywhere? You have to go through so many. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that an inconvenience? Well, tell it to the planet. They're really thin. They're very thin. Have you...
No, I don't regularly handle dog shit. They're very thin and they won't... I'm not a fucking weirdo. I don't handle other animals' shit at all. There's only so many items you can fit in a dog poo bag. It's designed for a dollop of dog shit. Why are you picking it up? Because leaving it there, otherwise someone's going to tread on it and you'll be annoyed. That's hilarious. It's not. It's a little minefield. It's hilarious though. You told me that you've seen people hit mines and you hadn't even called it out. You were like, no, I'm just going to let this happen.
That was once, yeah. Did you enjoy it when they hit it? No, I did point it out to them. They still stepped in anyway. I was like, oh, don't step in there. Oh, right. Did you give them a twig to try and take it out piece by piece? No, no, no. They had their own stuff to deal with. It was their own dog's shit. I was like, oh, your dog's shit. And before I even finished my sentence, their foot just went straight. What breed was it?
Oh, I don't know, like a spaniel. So it wasn't a huge shit? Not massive, but still, it was like a turd. It was a turd. She just crashed into this. It was grass. What kind of flavor do you think it was? Color-wise? Dark? Light? Caramel? It was fresh. It was fresh brown, like a fresh brown poo. Did it look healthy?
Healthy as you can get I suppose Did it squish nicely? It didn't look like it was a sloppy wet job It was kind of a scrape on the ground So you think they got a good dive then? But then obviously she patted it into the ground So it created a Right into the grooves of the shoe And it's kind of like I'm walking So I'm like good luck Anyway good luck with that You just stood in your own dog's shit You should really avoid doing that
Anyway, that's a good way to end the day. Thank you. That's lovely. Good bit of advice as well. Avoid sending your own dog shit. Avoid sending your own dog shit. Be aware of where they've sent it. I mean, because again, I do it as well, but occasionally you look down at your phone and you don't realise there's dog shitting and people miss it. So you've got to keep an eye on it, otherwise you might stand in it. We need Google Glass to come back, is what you're saying. Identify turd mines. Yeah. It's a bit difficult in fields.
It is pretty difficult in fields. God, I really want some smart optics. Ray-Bans. The next Ray-Ban. Just something that analyzes the scene. It's just like...
Have you not seen that advert with Thor and the guy from Jurassic World? What, Ray-Bans? Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth. Where he's like, what dinosaur am I looking at? He's like, I don't know what it was. Oh, so they're using the camera in the Ray-Ban meta. Yeah, but I don't want a fucking vocal. I don't need, I don't want an audio. I want visual data. Yeah, that still doesn't, I still don't like using vocal commands. I want stuff, like, because I'm obviously really tall. I want like, like,
mind your head things to come up you know if i'm gonna like hit my head because i'm so tall yeah yeah like a little heads up display watch out this seat's gonna be too small for you because it's just a massive guy so which i get all the time it'd be quite cool if if you're walking along a pavement where there's like um uneven surface it could you know put like a red mark over it and just like oh uneven yeah and that way you don't trip over in the streets or
Watch out. You're going too quickly in this bike. Here comes a fucking car around the corner. You're gonna have to do a really badass move. My car, slightly buggy software. The other day, I was sat waiting for a light and the fucking auto-tensioning thing twice. Now you're safe.
crash detected because it saw an oncoming vehicle and for some reason it thought that I was going to crash into it. So it did like something like that. It triggered like the impact. Yeah, it literally did like a prepare for impact kind of thing and then tightened all my fucking steering wheel because it's like a Volvo kind of car. It's a Polestar but it's like basically they're all about their safety and shit. So it was just like and then it did it again like five seconds later. I was like fucking hell. It was like
I got strangled by this thing. But like... Just for your own safety. Sorry, sir. Jesus. Oh, God. Mine does phantom parking sensor beeps on the front now and again. So you're not being followed by a ghost? Could be haunting. Might need to give it a wipe on the front. Sometimes the sensors get a bit dusty.
Yeah, could be that. I'm probably leaning more towards the haunting. I'm leaning more towards software issues. The software issues, yeah, that sounds crazy. There's quite a few of them. At least it was protecting you in some way, pulling you in. Yeah, I just hope it doesn't fire off one of the airbags as a precautionary measure.
You know, just like, yeah. Cause if it's doing the other bit, just in the drive, just getting handed your drinks. Cause like if it's preparing the seatbelt, it's probably also arming the fucking airbags, right? It's a fucking hair trigger. That would be a massive recall issue. I wouldn't ever feel comfortable in your car. It's just, you'd be like, I'm going to sit in the middle seat.
I've been acting all the safety. Probably going through the windscreen. Don't turn the sound system up too much. The vibrations may trigger a catastrophic explosion.
Venting batteries. Once it fucking starts, holy shit, it's a domino effect. It filled the entire cabin with anti-flame spray. That'd be interesting, yeah. Anyway, that's Hat Chat. Thank you so much for listening. And also a huge shout out to those that protect us financially. Our patrons, our supporters, our members that allow us to ramble for a good hour and keep us...
lifted up in these dark times you know yeah we can't afford parking at 18 pounds or it's just insane so yeah we can start giving out carry bags to patreon yeah we will send you for every carry bag ross doesn't buy we'll buy two yes and send you one unsigned it's like a really i mean it's if anything that's becoming a plastic waste well yeah well good job i've got a hole in my garden isn't it and you've got a plastic fire that will never give out
Keep it topped up. The fires of Isengard. Yeah, the longest flames are on the hard plastic. That lasts a long time. That takes a while. And there's always plastic to burn, isn't there? Always. If you go around Ross's house, he'll give you a white mark that he puts down in the ashes of the plastic and then places upon your head. And in case you're a complete idiot, this is all satirical, so don't take anything we say seriously.
as something that you should actually do yeah you shouldn't steal uh don't drive however overwhelming old people is really anyway thanks so much watch watch the elderly watch maybe they'll look after them it's like pushing over their inheritance a multi-tiered like trolley of china
Yeah, very fragile. Anyway, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time we do a hat chat. Until then, stay safe out there. Pay for your parking. And your carrier bags. That's one I can know the other way around. It's debatable. That's private land. Those fuckers are probably making loads of money. And obviously if they get you, then they win. Yeah. Goodbye. Bye.
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