Hick-Hacks!

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Get an expert now at TurboTax.com. Only available with TurboTax Live Full Service. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Welcome ye, hear ye, and welcome to the Head Check Podcast. What is thine episode number, Rosseth's Hornbait? I think it's 187. Christ, that's a lot, isn't it? 187, I think that's quite a lot, isn't it? Should we just say it's younger than it is? Yes. You know?

It's very youthful. That's fine, isn't it? We can pump it full of filler. For an elf, that's not that old, is it? We could just say, like, it's the 31st of January and this is a hat chat. You know, like, we could always be like, that was just go by date, right? And that way we don't have to, like... We should revisit. We don't need to go... The numbers don't really matter. I don't think anyone's gone, shit, I missed episode 184. But maybe they do. I don't know how people consume our media and I don't know if it's safe to ask.

I think it's quite good that we can say that we've done that many because it's like, look at this, we're actually fucking, we're going. Yeah. I mean, they exist. We're nothing if not prolific.

Extremely prolific. Extremely prolific. That's what I want on my tombstone. Extremely prolific. Extremely prolific. And then a list of every song you've made, like Silly Song. Silly Song. Pixel Dust. That's going to be engraved in gold. Christ. Pixel Dust. And then all the songs that you did for Jingle Jam. All the ones I never finished. And all the ones you never finished. Which will, they'll be on the back and there's a long list. There'll be a laminated printout of just your File Explorer files.

of all the folders there because we couldn't list we couldn't engrave them all on the gravestone that's a lot final dot underscore final final final final final official final definitely final as we drift into february obviously the best month of the year because it's my birthday and everything the world stops that's why it should be the world stops for it that's why it should be the best month

What should be the best month if it's not your birthday? No, just say February. What do you mean? February should be the best month. February's pretty wet and cold. It's miserable. It makes you feel shit. It's not a great month, is it, February? It's one of the coldest of the year. It's miserable. It's usually quite wet. Especially the first five days. If you're going to have children, don't bang in the summer. Don't bang in the summer. It's so whimsical and romantic. They'll betray you.

Bang in the wet times, in the disgusting times. That way you'll have a summer child.

Why do you want a summer child? I don't say I would, but the child wouldn't be long-busted by their month of February being wet and disgusting. But you could also weigh up the fact that the pregnant mother would be too hot in the summer. So you want to get rid. Go to a hotel with air con. As soon as the temperature starts to rise. So that way they're not hot and bothered. Try to get a test tube, baby. It's a chance I'm a test tube baby. In which case, why didn't they...

They had more control over when I was born. There was a raid on the lab and the vacuum got pushed over and you slid out. Do you think we should be treating people who were born as a test tube baby differently?

Yeah. In what way? I don't know. And who are born as test tube babies? I don't know. What do we mean by test tube babies? Well, I know somebody who was born as a test... Well, I guess it's just IVF, isn't it? Is that what it's meant to be? That's not a test tube baby. Is that not a test tube baby? I always joke about it because I'm just like... What is a test tube baby, then? I picture a real sci-fi dystopic, like they're grown in the test tube. In a giant vat. You know, like chicken breasts are trying to be formed from... Yeah. They've got like... Cells. Probs in them. Little probes. So yeah, it is slang for IVF.

I don't want to make it real. Like calling it IVF suddenly makes it real. A lot of people that have to go through that process probably don't want their kids to be called, oh, test tube baby. Were you born of test tube or natural conception? Were you designed?

So this is just a bit of trivia, people might find this interesting. So IVF is known as test tube baby not just because of, you know, it's a technique. Oh it is known as that? Yes, yeah. So it's derog... okay. But the reason is, is in vitro, which is what IVF stands for, in vitro fertilization. So in vitro is Latin for the term in glass. So because it's... In tube. Because of early biological experiments involving cultivation of tissues outside the living organism carried out in glass containers such as beakers, test tubes or petri dishes.

in vitro refers to any biological procedure that is performed outside the organism in which it would normally have occurred. That's right, yeah, because they take the egg and a really good sperm. They vet the sperms through an audition process. Do they not just splash a shitload of sperms on there? No, they pick the good one. They pick a good one. I can't imagine them picking one, are they? Yeah, yeah. Only one needs to make it through. Obviously, I imagine they repeat the process if that one just like...

just bounces about however they pick a strong one with like proper chromosomes and all that you know as the most successful sperm the gold plated one oh is that where they inject it into the egg yeah they put it outside probably in glass obviously with like needles and what not they put it in there and inseminate outside of the human body

Oh, you're speaking of an intracytoplasmic sperm injection drop. Off the top of my head, I think you're absolutely right. And that must have been off the top of your head too. That sounded normal. Yeah, normal thing to say. I've seen videos of that happening. They're all on Pornhub. That's a weird category. What is that category?

IVF. IVF. Oh, the microscope porn. Microscope porn. I love it when those tiny little single-celled organisms bang. Yeah. Get to the atomic level. I want to see what's going on. Yeah, that's really raw stuff. It sounds pretty raw, but no, I don't think we should treat... Hey, what the fuck are we talking about that for? I don't know. We shouldn't be treating anyone who was born of IVF any differently, is all we're saying. No. For fuck's sake. I think they're elevated because... They're elevated? Oh, they were chosen. They were chosen.

The best one was hand-picked and pushed into the egg with assistance. Like multiple people. It wasn't just two involved in the creation of that person. It was a scientist, some glass. I touched glass at some point. I don't think I was a product of IVF, by the way. One of the negatives of that is we have an excuse for being the way we are, but they were chosen. So there's more pressure on an IVF.

So feel that pressure. I feel lucky. I'd be like, yo, I was the best one. You were the best one, but there's a lot of pressure on you now. It's like, why are you the way you are though? Because of the way I was raised. Then everything you've done and present in the future all goes back to when you were squeezed into the egg with a little pipette. It doesn't though. It's because your parents fucked you up.

So this is now the argument. They were shooting sperm that just didn't know where to go. Oh my God. What's going on? Hey, hey, let's talk about something really fun. Apparently 45% of adults in the UK felt that it wasn't their responsibility to read to their children. It was teachers' responsibility in a recent survey. Where was the survey taken? How many people took the survey? It's worrying. Education seems to be taking a nosedive for many countries of late.

45! That's almost half of the population. I don't believe that's a good control group of representation there. To say that you don't feel responsible to educate your child to a degree of basic literacy. Everything's the responsibility of the parent to begin with, right? Teachers are plus.

The Times, which is now obviously I have to fucking pay to get into for some reason. Um... Before... Uh...

I'm trying to find out the survey, but yeah, basically almost half of parents believe children do not need to know how to use books before they start school, with some trying to swipe as if they were using phones or tablets. But yeah, essentially like the echoes of many things coming home to roost in that people aren't reading to their kids. Well, that's interesting because there was an article I found just before this, and I actually...

I wasn't going to mention it because it didn't seem that interesting, but it kind of relates to this. But the headline is, some children starting school are unable to climb a staircase, finds England and Wales teachers. So they're not even like, COVID baby explanation, starting to feel like an excuse to say some teachers. Oh, yeah. Right. So it's like raised in COVID times was difficult, which probably was. I can't help but think shitty parents must have existed in fairly equal measure for a long time, though. Surely it's gotten better in time, right?

And also like with other systems in place. I guess you've got to be careful of sensationalist articles and stuff like that damning the population. That's from the Guardian. So it's not like a crazy sensational mirror. They can be fairly sensational. I mean, sure. I'm not bashing them, but sometimes. Well, it's not like the mirror or fucking Daily Star is what I mean. No. It's not a red top. It's not a tabloid. Also, you can't really like...

If, say, you live on the ground floor of an apartment block where you don't have stairs. Yeah, yeah. Like, there's no opportunity to... I guess, unless you go to someone with stairs and be like, okay, today is stair learning day. I suppose the same mentality is, I don't know if my dog can swim. I've never taken him. That's true. Well, I've never put him in... I mean, he's gone near the sea. He doesn't like going in the sea. Right. I've not thrown him in a body of water. I'm surprised. Give it a go! Because there is a fifth element of...

he could drown does he even like how necessary is it how often am I actually near bodies of water that he's going to be jumping in there's a lot of bodies of water there are actually some rivers so

You could maybe wear him out quicker if you got him to swim in the Bristol River. I'll do it. You don't see many dogs swimming around in the Bristol Canal, though, do you? He's under five years old. We'll chuck him in. Yeah, even this time of year when it's that cold shock would be insane. Yeah, yeah. Well, that'll get his legs going. But I think also dogs also have an automatic kind of like, fuck it, I'm swimming. And they paddle away. They paddle away. Swimming! Swimming the opposite direction, come back!

That's the other thing I think you'll just try and get away. Why don't people use the river to exercise their dogs on one of those really long extendable leads? That's a great idea. I was thinking the other day, just like, the reason people die in that fucking harbour all the time is there's no ladders. There's like two or three ladders dotted around and even then they're far away enough that by the time you get there you're exhausted and freezing. You're probably drunk and exhausted and the cold hits you.

And then your muscles give out and then you get sucked under by the mud. There's a lot of mud under there.

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Maybe the sea, but he doesn't like the waves. He gets all fucking... He barks at them. He barks at waves? Yeah, like when the water comes close. Oh, fuck off! I don't suppose you've ever chucked mochi in a body of water other than a bath. No, I haven't, Ross. But you've probably tested that out in a bathtub. Have you not been down to the beach and been like, I'm going to go in with the dog?

I've taken Mochi to a beach. I don't know if you've been to Western. She runs away from the lapping waves. But if you picked her up and went in on a sunny day, do you think maybe she'd find it? I would be doing this with a dog. Murphy would kick the fucking shit out of me if I tried to do that. He would not like that. He's freaked out by the waves moving. He's freaked out by things moving in the wind, to be fair. It's very weird. I'm more worried about my dog having a heart attack from fear.

By exposing her to scary situations. You couldn't toss her into the ocean. She's a small little dog and also getting her wet sucks for me because that's a lot of fur to dry out. That is a lot. Yeah. So I'd rather wrap her in a waterproof like

onesie. Like a wetsuit? Like a wetsuit. That would be amazing. I have one, in fact. For a dog? I used to put her in one for rainy days walking. She's too big for that. Like a raincoat? It's like a raincoat. It's like a little tube. She looks like a sausage with the two ends of fluff just poofing out at either end. That's good. I've got Murphy a... It's one of those farmer's jackets.

It's like a proper waxy. Oh, nice. Like a barber style. It is a barber jacket. That's what it is. It was on sale in John Lewis. I thought, that's going to look funny. He looks very smart. He looks like a dapper little boy. Are you giving him a little flat cap? I should get him a flat cap. He's not like working the land. He could work the land. He's not a Yorkshire sheep farmer.

He could be... How do you put a calf on a dog? A little strap. You struggle. He would pull it off. Instantly. Maybe cut some ear holes. I tried to put boots on him once. Did my mat? No, he kind of grabbed each boot and tugged it off in rage. Oh, man. He tried to walk on it and it looked like he was obviously just freaking out. Yeah, the legs go everywhere. Was that to stop burning feet? Well, I just wanted to see what it would look like. If he could wear them. They were like a fiver or whatever it was. And I was like, all right, we'll give him a try. Maybe in like the...

colder days he doesn't have to have freezing paws but he doesn't seem to give a shit about that it was mainly just for me to see if he could do it he maybe thought you cheaped out and so didn't want to wear them he's like it's not real leather these aren't expensive these aren't Balenciaga Balenciaga I do think he is he's worried that I wasn't spoiling him enough

Who said this? My dog. Your dog already wasn't spoiling enough. But the one thing I do is make sure his balls don't tangle. Well, yeah, you've got to keep those things apart. That's why I keep a small bag of ice on his tail so that it keeps him cold and pushed up. Otherwise, if those things twist... You can only imagine the yelping of a dog. Yeah.

That's the sound I would make as well if my balls twisted. Do you know the thing with dogs when they get that thing in the back of their throat sometimes where the nasal cavity flips over and you've got to blow down their nose to unblock it? When he does a reverse sneeze. Yeah, a reverse sneeze. Apparently one of the better ways to get rid of it is to blow the skin back, right? Yeah, you gently blow on their nose. Pushes the skin back around. Dangly.

What I'm saying is if torsion happens, you also need to use your mouth. Why? Because the warmth and the dexterity of your tongue will allow you to work out the problems, I think. What you need is a hairdryer and a keen vision. Like you're doing soldering. You're shrinking the ball bed. Or you know you're loosening the ball bed. You need to know which one's twisted and which way it's twisted because obviously if you twist the other way, I guess you have to measure from the Yelps.

I mean, it's easier with dogs. You can get them off quite easily. Is it like a Rubik's Cube? But he still has his. Sorry? Where there's an algorithm. It's like right, left, twist. I don't know. I don't think he's had that kind of problem. But it could happen. You've got to think about these things, Ross. Do dogs have... Maybe that's worth Googling. God, I'm a Googler. Can dogs...

get testicular torsion. Any kind of anatomical similarities like that, I'm sure. Yes, dogs can get testicular torsion, which is a rare condition that occurs when a dog's spermatic cords twist. It can be difficult to diagnose and can mimic other acute abdomen emergencies. At least it's cute. There's a reluctance to walk, apparently, one of the symptoms. Severe pain, swelling in the affected testicle, and epididymis.

Excuse me. Reluctance to walk. That makes sense. You're not going to try and walk that bad boy off. You're too busy panicking about what the fuck's going on. Vomiting, which I think I would throw up. That feeling. You get that feeling. A little tap. Nut tap. But you can't throw up. But you want to. Loss of appetite. Well, that's fair enough. He's not exactly going to go out and be all hungry if his ball is twisted. Lameness and stiff gait.

Does your dog feel lame? I guess that's his legs kind of tight. Is he lame? Nah, he's cool, man. He looks pretty cool. What's wrong with him? Why is he making that sound? But apparently surgical intervention is usually required. You can do that at home nowadays. It's so expensive. You get a pack on Amazon, I think. You get a nice, sturdy scalpel and a keen eye.

get in there, twist it back. I don't think that is necessarily what would fix it though. I saw something somebody was saying about how when dogs get older, it gets more and more expensive to insure them. So sometimes it's worth stopping the insurance and instead putting a set amount away each month to spend on YouTube surgery videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that like you build those courses where you can just watch a master's

It's a masterclass. Veterinary surgery, yeah. For this, you need surgical scissors, a pair of rubber gloves. I mean, beyond... I mean...

What are the legal ramifications for doing surgery on a pet? I guess it could amount to animal cruelty and animal cruelty is a crime. Yeah, it must be. Sorry, could amount. If you do a good job, you do a good job. If you were a trained vet, let's say you retired or whatever, but you know what you need to do and somehow you've got all the anaesthetic or whatever you need and you did it at home, surely that's fine. I mean, unless there is a body... Because at the end of the day, if your dog choked on something in your...

and died in front of you, you're not going to go to jail. No. If it's a baby, you will. Yeah. Just throwing that out there. Because there is a distinction. Again, we're aware that apparently parental guidelines are a bit lax these days. You will go to prison if that happens. If you serve somebody an animal burger...

They'll eat the burger. If you serve someone a human burger, you're going to prison. You're going to go to prison. You're going to go to prison, yeah. Precisely. There's a distinction there. But what's the difference between you doing life-saving surgery on a dog and them accidentally dying by some freak accident in your home? It's the result. It's the end result. It's the result of your surgery. If you botch it. If you botch it, pretty bad. If he died and then it was just a quick burial and it's like, who's investigating that?

I think it would have to be reported. The RSPCA does quite a lot of... Yeah, it does have to be... But the RSPCA is also quite good at proactive work, but I think they do need to be reported as well. Also, if you go to the vets, they'll be like, well, I haven't seen Murphy in a while. It's been like three years of yearly check-ups. Who checks up on it? It would have to be literally, yeah, one of you can... I haven't seen Murphy in ages. Neither have I.

Next question. Next question. I don't know why I'm at the vet. Ross, your freezer's pretty full. Yeah, well, can't get through it all. I don't know what the laws are on that. I mean, it'd be grim to know what the laws are. It's probably the result, like Smith says. But if you were trying to save your dog's life and you couldn't spend whatever, six grand or whatever it is to fucking sort your dog out in some crazy surgery bill.

How bad is that? Do you think all those people that bite off the bollocks of goats are trained vets? They're doing that. Do you think they're just doing it for fun? They're not doing it for fun. I'm not saying they're trained vets, but I'm like... If you're operating on your dog for fun... Surely livestock is different.

Well, no, not really. It's an animal, isn't it? Unless it's like protected under other things like, you know, like protected species lists and shit like that, then like... So it's fine to bite off the balls of a goat, right?

In some kind of... I think if somebody could prove that you would be... And you would say, well, I just think it's... I supposedly think that the saliva will... It's the most ethical way of doing it. Like pain-free. It's like, well, no, this dude just fucking loves getting some goat balls. There's definitely several tools for that. But this guy just loves doing it. With his mouth. You could use that knife. No, no, no, no, no, no. These gnashers are built for something. Come here, you. Like a bit of gristle.

God. I can't even... I don't even want... That's like some sort of fucking bush tucker trial. It really is. When they ever try and bite into a testicle of a fucking... Some kangaroo testicle. And they're massive. And it's like, fucking don't do it. That will live forever online. Don't do it. And they're like...

He's so tough. And he's like, don't comment on it either. I was popped in my mouth. Oh, for God's sake, this is the worst. How is this allowed on TV? I saw somebody pull the balls of a goat off of their teeth. And as they did it, they dragged it.

like brace yourself for this by the way. - Oh God. - I'm already- - Warning first. - It's already too much. - As they pulled it, like the skin of the ball bag kind of like stretched long and they kind of like pulled the balls out, like as if they're pulling like grapes out of like a- - Why do I feel like I've seen this clip? I feel like I've seen this clip. - Yeah, it is. It's a very quick thing, but it's literally just like . And then they kind of like, his stretch is like taffy. - The sound of it. - Stretch is like taffy, fucking hell. - Yeah. - Oh my God.

And then they just spit them out. And then they just spit them out. And they just flub them onto the floor. And then they go, oh, now there's some goat. Next. Now there's bare goat balls in my mouth. Only 300 more goats to do. Give me the next one. Fucking hell. Fuck me. Yeah. How have you both seen that as well? I've seen a farm documentary thing where this guy was...

Saying that that was the best way to do it. It seems like what the fuck in very extremely rural places like, you know Like you got to imagine that we're not in the UK probably yeah, you're in somewhere That's like really remote really rural and you like you have a nomadic her goats Yeah, I don't I think it's wrong with a good rubber band. Well, that's that is actually another way They do it. Yeah docking and garden shears docking sounds fucking like that. Mm-hmm. Ouch. Oh

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Or just don't do it. Yeah, just don't do it. Just don't do home surgeries on your own animals. Although, but I think my point was that, yeah, like what grade difference is a goat to a dog? And if some dude fancied just saving himself some money and buying his dog's balls off, which I wouldn't recommend. I don't, I mean, I think that a dog can react very differently from a goat. I think human, it depends on the human personality.

of said thing versus, you know, if you, yeah, you know, it goes to a court of law or whatever. The judge has probably more empathy for a pet, a dog, um,

um versus a sheep yeah well i think the distinction is livestock something's being kept as livestock versus a pet yeah livestock and it doesn't distinguish on animals so for example you could have a pet cow like if a you know we eat a pig we are technically consenting to the stuff that happens to livestock animals and it's absolutely horrific it is absolutely horrific and um we hand wave a lot so really like

If somebody said to me, like, this is my cow, this is my one cow, I love this cow, I don't want this cow to die, I'd be like, fair enough. Then why'd you bite the balls off? The balls are so big on that bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's huge. I saw a really cute piglet on a TikTok the other day. And it was resting in front of a fire and

All the comments were just like, that's going to take fucking ages to cook. Oh, come on. He's so cute. But fuck. It did make me want to stop eating the bacon sandwich. I thought you were going to... It made me want to fry up. It does make... Yeah. I stopped eating meat after having an encounter with piglets. Yeah, you went to the... I'm sorry, not meat. I eat meat. Was that the one in Chew Valley, was it? Yeah, Chew Valley Animal Park. Chew Valley Animal Park. Yeah, I've been there. You can sit in with the bellies of the piglets. I'll just...

I'll stave off pork for some time. Yeah, in a little while. It's like you need exposure treatment. It's like if you've got a really nice job. I have cut a lot of pork, to be fair. I've reduced it. Normally when it's like something in some sort of like burgers, I'll suddenly bake it. Yeah. And you're like, fuck. It's a great like accent meat, isn't it? Yeah, I'm not going out of my way to guess it, just if it appears in things. Yeah. How did that get in there? How did those ghost balls get in there? Fuck. How are they in my mouth?

Whoops. Next. There's good news for a baby in Alabama who was born in a Krispy Kreme.

They've been awarded a year's supply of free dinners. What? How are they born in a Krispy Kreme? Oh, in the place, not in a donut. I think it was... Not inside a donut. Right, put the donut at the end. It's coming. It's breaching. Put the donuts around. This is the biggest Krispy Kreme you've ever had. No, they were in the establishment Krispy Kreme. I thought they used the Krispy Kremes to keep the birthing canal open like a sort of long tunnel. Like...

Like, you know, like they use it struts. How? They're quite soft doughy donuts. They fried these ones extra long. Weird this came up because I literally thought about the time we made those donuts during lockdown. Oh, they were very tasty. Mine wasn't. My dough was shit. I'd probably do it better now. Yeah. But, you know, anyway.

but do you reckon they pulled off in time to go like right which fast food restaurant do we want a year's worth of where are we going to have this baby well it makes you wonder now like whether it's just like well you know considering the bills in America for going to the hospital for anything let alone giving birth why not gain something and have a throw the risk out there and just be like fuck it I'm going to give birth in a

Krispy Kreme. What you're gaining is additional medical fees. And then also, yeah, in the future. Diabetes. But then, I mean, the baby's not going to eat the donuts, are they? So they've awarded the baby with a year's supply of donuts. Does it have to be the baby that takes it, do you think?

It'll be total bollocks. It'll be one donut a day as well. It'll be one donut a day. It'll be a voucher. It will be. Didn't we get like a... Oh, we got a voucher, didn't we? Yeah. Yeah, you'll get like a year. It's because we ate 24 in like a day. Well, in a session. I mean, to be honest, more than two Krispy Kremes a week is probably going to have a detrimental effect on your life, isn't it? Like long term, that would fuck my skin up. If I was eating too much of that, that would have an impact on me. This always harks back to the guy who eats every meal that's a Big Mac.

I know it's not the same as a Krispy Kreme, but that guy's slim, man. He's still alive. Yeah, but he's also so bonkers. He goes to McDonald's. I think we're ignoring a massive issue. It is the most boring thing. I mean, if I had a Big Mac, I wouldn't really want one for a few days, right? Having one every meal. That's just... Having anything, any food. Yeah, yeah. The exact food for, you know, lunch and dinner every day.

That is like a prison. A prison of your own fucking mind. Maybe it's a mental health thing. That's what I'm saying. It 100% is. It's a fixation. It's just like, fuck, I need my Big Macs. It's like, well, maybe go across the road, get some chicken, get something else. Let's dig into this. Oh, your last meal with your mother was a Big Mac. There we go. My dad used to beat me with Big Macs.

Yeah, there we go. There it is. That took like 10 minutes. I mean, honestly, let's hit the big ones. Sit down for an hour. Let's hit the big ones and you'll probably work out why you're so fucking weird. Jesus. I mean, it's true. Like so many people, including myself. I'd like to know. There must be a documentary, a deep dive documentary other than just, hey, this guy's still eating Big Macs. He's buying loads and freezing them, which I think is even more insane. Keeps you fresher. Shit.

Shit. Some days you don't want to go out and get your McDonald's. Just go there. If you're going to get it, get it fresh, man. Learn the recipe and make them at home yourself. Get inventive. Do something with it. What's he doing with that extra time he's not cooking his meals? He's getting on TV. He's having a horrible haircut, I remember. Oh, yeah, he had a haircut that looked like... He destroyed his appearance. I don't even know what the fucking guy's name. Dan Gorsk. Um...

What does it say? Born 1953 or 1954? Not sure. It doesn't know. That's the Wikipedia. Is it not a confirmed age? He might be 70 or 71. That seems crazy to me that he wouldn't have corrected them in some way. Anyway, he's married, wouldn't you believe it as well? To the fucking Bill and the Burger. To the fucking married. To someone who works at McDonald's. Married to the Mac. Yeah.

God, what was I going to find out? Oh, he was in Super Size Me, so I'm guessing... He's got obsessive compulsive disorder. Yeah, probably. There it is. Has he? Or are you saying that? It's on the wiki. Well, I'm just scrolling down. He commented in 2008 that his obsessive compulsive disorder is what fuels his love of Big Macs. He had his 25,000 Big Mac in 2011. That fuels his love of Big Macs. I mean, shit. At what point, though... Can you break that trend? There's a way to break that trend. At what point...

I mean, it's like saying, it's my OCD that fuels my love of cigarettes. No, no, he loves Big Macs and he just wants to have more. But like... Because it's his condition. I guess it would be really, really stressful to break that trend, I guess. I mean, I don't feel like I'm not... I mean, yeah. It's a coping mechanism. I'm not saying that we need... It's all that.

It's not love, it's an illness. I mean, it's kind of... But anyway. 25,000. 25,000 Big Macs. But my point was he was still slim. And he's still alive. He's in his 70s. That's, you know... It's impossible to tell that if he's that kind of person with the extremely good metabolism, that had you given him a different diet...

You'd have to clone him. You'd have to clone him to know whether... Yeah, we need to clone him. We need to clone him. And then give that person a completely different diet and see if he outlasts the McDonald's one. That's what AI is going to solve. It's going to speed up that process and just be like, we've now made like a million digital versions of you and one of them ate hot dogs every day. And they're dead. You live in X63, so...

Keep eating them Big Macs. You're doing okay. You actually picked the perfect meal to outlast most humans. Yeah. But I mean, so if it's worked for them this long, you might as well keep eating that life-giving nectar. Yeah.

He's not dead yet at 70 or 71. We don't know. There's definitely something to say with leading a life that is as stress-free as possible regardless of how healthy it is, I think. You could have this guy who eats terrible food daily but is happy.

and is unstressed. Terrible to you. And live a long time. This is this man's elixir. Scientifically, it is poison. Maybe because he's only just having that, he's not mixing up his biome enough. Or maybe there's something in that that's got him to the age of 70 or 71. Maybe his microbiome is in complete control of his actions now because they're so strong. God, yeah. If he has something else, it might be pretty devastating. Yeah.

Although I'm pretty sure he has fries and stuff with it, doesn't he? He's having vegetables. He says it's 98% of his diet. Fucking hell. There's a 2%. Outlier. Outlier there. Lots of cubes of chocolate. Yeah. I'll treat myself to an apple pie from McDonald's. He was a correctional officer at Whelpen Correctional Institute for 25 years, retiring May 2011. Damn. Damn.

That was probably not a fun job. Apparently his cholesterol level was 156 milligrams. That's not bad. Below the average of 208. That's pretty decent. He does skip breakfasts. I bet he intermittent fasts. I bet that's essentially what he's doing. And the only other food he eats is a small evening snack such as ice cream, a fruit bar or potato chips.

Terrible. Ice creams are the highest cholesterol foods you can eat. It's a miracle. What the fuck is going on with that guy? Says this guy. This guy's... I know. Got lower than average cholesterol. Like I said, we have to clone him because he could be just an extremely efficient exister. He could just tank anything. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like that guy who... What was it? He drank Batch. Shoe Nice. Shoe Nice? Yeah. I mean, he was doing all sorts. I don't know how... And Rockstar's that can take any kind of Class A drug and still live.

It's through all the secrets is the secret is the presence of cash. I think, um,

Yeah, and a defib nearby. Yeah, I think you can take some drugs as long as you know the drugs are good. And that you have a rehab facility that's basically the equivalent of a luxury spa that you can go to for a month to get over it. Full caring as well to make sure we don't relapse and all that. Do you want a drip and some mental health treatment? Yes, please. Wow, it turns out you can get people off drugs. I want some ethically controlled morphine, please. Is there any food that you would eat 34,000 meals of?

This is the number he got to. I'd eat 34,000 Gylians. Oh, would you? I wonder if that's how you pronounce that. I'm past Gylian. I don't know if it's Gylian. It's Gylian because it's a combination of two people's surnames. Guy and Lian.

Or was it first name? Something like that. Yeah, they've got too much for me these days. They're too rich. I don't know why. I'd spread them, obviously. I wouldn't have 34,000 in a couple weeks, for example. Maybe a year. But once a day. I'll have you know that AOL pronounce it as Gillian. AOL? Yeah, AOL.com, baby. Is it Gillian? That's the first one. How to pronounce... I thought it was Guy-lian. Let me listen to it. How to pronounce Guy-lian?

So that's wrong, isn't it? Why is that wrong? That's wrong, isn't it? That's totally wrong. That's just being fancy. Why are Ferrero Rocher still so expensive? I don't like Ferrero Rocher. Why are Ferrero Rocher so expensive? Isn't it just a nice hazelnut? It's a hazelnut wrapped in crisp chocolate. It's like putting the end of a mace in your mouth.

It's like a bludgeoning device with spikes. You don't like the texture? Yeah, it's a harsh thing to crunch down on. It's like a mine. Are you talking about the same thing? Wait, wait. Faire Rocher. Yeah. Because it's got all those knobbly nut bits on it, right? You pop that in your mouth. Yeah, you pop the whole thing in your mouth. Are you a biter or do you pop the whole thing in? If I can't fit the whole thing in my mouth, what's the point? I put the whole thing in and smashed that thing to pieces. I'm so glad you said it.

But no, I agree. You should pop that whole thing in your mouth and then crunch down. Oh, I've just been informed. You have to take the wrapping off first. Oh, that's what you've been doing wrong. Right. Just like how you pronounce Guilion. Guilion. Guilion. Guilion. Also, everyone's been opening Ferrero Rocher's wrong.

What the fuck? You can't open them wrong. What do you mean? Manufacturer's intent, right? So I'm sure what you're doing is you're pulling off the bottom bit, right? The little cupcake thing that's on the bottom. The paper cupcake. You're pulling that off and then you're unwrapping it from the bottom. It's like a banana. You're doing it fucking wrong, guys. How are you going to do it? That's where the hot glue is that's keeping it all together. The little sticker on top, you peel that little sticker off. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Wow. I mean, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. You weren't peeling the sticker off? No, I was doing it the other way this whole time. What other way? You were peeling the bottom off? The way he just described. You take it out of the paper and open it up from the bottom.

I just... Oh, I see. There's a sticker on the top. There's a Ferrero Rocher tiny little sticker on top. And that's a seal where it then opens up from there. That's how you're meant to open them. Like a flower. Yeah, but at the bottom, because of the cupcake kind of like thing, you can kind of push it and then it kind of opens out and then you just peel from there. You don't even need to touch the chocolate and then... That's me just shoving it to my gob. That's barbaric, Ross. I know. That's not what Ferrero Rocher would want you to do. I think Ferrero Rocher, if it didn't have all that stupid wrapping, would be...

A lot cheaper. 30 times cheaper. It's so expensive. It's a lot of packaging. Just for like 10 of them. And it comes with like a fancy plastic case as well. And they're so annoying. I've tried to use those afterwards and they're not quite strong enough for useful things. Not the trays. There's like the little like... I bought like a 12 pack.

for like seven quid, whatever it is. That's like a skirmish group of orcs if you can fit them in there. Oh, I see. Yeah, you can get some. You can get like a 500 point army in there. No way. Store all your old Christmas cards. No way. Anyway, moving on from Ferrero Rocher or Rocher or however the hell you want to pronounce it. I think it's Rocher. I think it's Gillian. What do you think is the best chocolate? Gilean. The best chocolate...

I love truffle so much. Truffle is like... Like praline. I like praline, yes. Praline chocolate, yes. Hazelnut chocolate. Yeah. I love that so much.

I... Ross loves Advent Calendar chocolate. No, I don't love Advent. Mini Eggs? Mini Eggs is nice. Terry's Chocolate Orange? Cadbury's before it was owned by some shit American company was pretty good. It's gone downhill. I really like those Leonidas ones that we got from Amsterdam. Oh, those were good. I don't even know where to... Those are tasty. Yeah, but Belgian chocolate is just... Lindor's good. I like Lindor. Lindor's good. I mean...

I guess surely we need to go, what chocolate do you hate? And it's always Hershey's. Oh, yeah, but we don't consider that here. I don't consider that. We don't get it. Food. I don't consider it chocolate. One of the worst. I consider that the burnt, like the bottom of a tray burning and someone's just put a little bit of chocolate on it and mixed that together and made you eat it. It's the chemical they put in it. Uric acid. Yeah. I hate it. It tastes like vomit. Yeah. I mean, that's a good way to get people not to eat chocolate at least.

But I don't know what else happened in America, but that. Americans that eat Hershey's like it because it's down to it. But then, yeah, if you don't know what to compare it to, you're like, oh, tasty, sweet chocolate bits. No, no, no, no. If you were raised eating solely Big Macs. Go on. Raised. That was your only exposure to food. Was I breastfed? Would you be more predisposed to having just Big Macs for the rest of your life? Or...

you know exposing yourself to other foods like oh everything tastes weird compared to a big mac yeah i think that's probably it yeah everything would taste strange wouldn't it you've set a palette for yourself haven't you yeah um it was set for me like i was but i think i think it would be i don't think it would be hard to then make a burger that's better fresher and tastier than a big mac

and like you're still kind of ticking the box right like yeah some I mean I'm guessing this guy's eating other burgers right as well but the thing is if it needs to be exactly like a big right it doesn't need to be better than the person made it like you know where somehow you know sometimes it's the combination I make the exact yeah copy of it from homemade what was that channel that used to do that I reckon it would taste better

That's why we got the Krispy Kreme idea from was that YouTube channel that did like gourmet. Oh, Bon Appetit. Yeah, where they kind of like try to make the same thing but like in a gourmet way. In a gourmet way, yeah. Oh, yeah, I missed that. So I think they're, are they still about? I don't know. I think they all disbanded or something. It kind of shut down or something. But yeah, that's that. Yeah. Because then you can make a better version of it. But I mean, there's loads of burgers better than Big Macs. It's also the convenience. But yeah, like you say, obviously he just wants that specific thing. They're cheap as shit as well.

like in comparison to like getting your own ingredients but yeah

I think that's the other thing. That's the other thing with junk food in general, isn't it? It is cheap as shit, easy to access. You don't have to put any effort to learn to do a recipe, which, you know, it's done very quickly. You just eat it, get fat, move on. Which is why for 2025, we've actually... It's a good way to introduce our new sponsor, which is the McDonald's Big Mac. Yeah. Specifically that one. A sponsorship on this podcast? Yeah, it's unlikely, isn't it? I don't believe you. No, we don't. We still don't have a sponsorship, but...

you know what we do have loyal patrons that support us every month allowing us to continue to do hat chat like this thank you to our patreons on patreon.com slash hat films in particular you're credited because you can choose hat chat on patreon as a specific tier we know you just want that so

So that's nice. But also YouTube members and Twitch subscribers that subscribe to us for whatever reason. You're all helping Hat Chat continue. So thanks for that. I also want to say a big shout out to anyone that sends us a little email with a finger in it to Hatchat at hat-films.com like Scott Cheggs who did our little medieval ditty today. Big love for that. Always love to receive more of those. I think the next finger should have lots of fart sounds in it.

Great. A little fart tune. That'd be great. Can't say wrong. Sorry, I only said that because there was another article here which is weird. Go on then. The final article. A woman used fart selfies to harass her partner's ex. How do you do fart selfies? She filmed herself farting into a camera. So a selfie is... Send it directly. A selfie is in, I guess, just pointing either to her arse or a similar area and farting and then sending it to them. It's kind of just like... It's juvenile. Sure. Yeah.

I think she's going to jail. Really? Because of harassment? Yeah, for harassment, yeah. Community order. Oh, shit. So if you're thinking that you can send fart selfies to someone... And you were thinking it. And I know you were thinking it. Yeah, come on. Because let's be honest, we are all thinking it. Put the phone down. Also, you're farting onto your phone. How can I get back at my ex? That's kind of gross. I'm going to fucking fart into my phone and send it to them regularly. That's a gross phone. That is hilarious. It's inventive. Yeah. I've got to say, like...

I'm surprised you can get like any kind of criminal judgment against somebody who's heading you videos of them farting though. I really am. Because imagine you sent them videos. I mean, there is a harassment element to it. Not gonna lie. I can see that. Oh yeah. But the whole like. Depends if you can see someone's bum. Because it was, it said proceeds to pass gas by placing the camera on her bottom and passing the gas. She said she was smirking throughout, found it hilarious, but the victim didn't. So you could see her face as well, like peeking around. That's it.

Imagine the time you have to do that. Obviously, it was a devastating breakup. Clearly. Sounds pretty bonkers to me. It's gone mad. It says, one of the people said, I would like to feel safe in my own home. We all would, but the threat of farting is ever present. I think it could be much worse. It could be like fucking prank calls saying, I'm going to fucking kill you, bitch. It's like, no, no, it's just...

I know. It's a really odd one. Stop recording. Like, it feels... I mean, I'm sure there was harassment elements to it. Of course, you need to be taken seriously. But, like, at the same time, you're just like, I'm surprised, you know, that it wasn't just like, stop sending me fucking fart videos, you twat. Block. Block, yeah. Is this the first of its kind? Do you think that's the first...

What do you imagine the trial was like? Well, not trial, but like the proceedings. I don't think it was very... So you've been farting into your camera and then sending it to this person? Yes. Guilty. On average three times. You are guilty. Okay, right. So don't do that anymore. Stop it.

No. By law, you're not allowed to do that anymore. And community service will be you have to do a stage show of your farting. Yeah, you now need to do photography. You get two options. One, super glue the butt together. Two, stage show farting. Antics. We've signed you up and we've all got tickets. We'll see you there. Can't wait, can't wait. That's your community order is to fart and display for everyone. Not so funny now, is it? Smoke the whole pack.

I smoked the whole bag. Anyway, we'll see you in the next one. Have a bloody great week. Thanks for listening and watching today. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.