Don't Sleep on this Get-Rich-Quick Scheme!
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Pickaxe.

And I'm still here, baby. It's 2024. My name is Alex Smith and I am still alive. 35 now? We're 35? Yeah, we're 35. I'm going to be 36 soon. We were 35 in the last episode. Fuck you are. Next month. We were 35 in the last episode. Yeah, I know we were. But like, just reflect on that for a minute. A new year, new you. Same age. Dry January? Doing dry January? Yeah.

Did I drink? I've already had a few drinks last night. I don't think I have. No.

I haven't. I made some pina coladas at home. I've definitely had some drinks. That's alcoholic, isn't it? Yeah, but before the new year. It was for the new year. Apparently young drinking is lower than ever before. People are drinking less and less. Yeah, it's because the health bars are so tempting. Well, they are very tempting, aren't they? Get them vapes. I don't think people use that as a drinking alternative. I don't feel like it's a substitute. I don't think it's getting you the same results. They don't have all the alcoholic flavours. Lager.

They probably are. There's so many different flavors. IPA flavored. Yeah. Oh, I quite like an IPA flavored vapor. Fruity, I suppose. Yeah. Tropical. Yeah, I guess. Anyway. Thanks to Josh Randall for that. Fingal, did you already thank him? Thanks. No, I thanked before the episode actually started recording. Before, thanks, Josh. Thanks, Josh Randall for that wonderful thing. Well, the whole thing will be at the end of the episode, of course. And you can send your Fingals in.

to our email, hatchat at hat-films.com. Getting it out of the way straight away. Just put finger in the subject. Makes it easier for me to find them. Thank you. Yes, it does. You should put that there. And any other news requests or stories. Funny stories you've heard, put them there. Yeah. Maybe funny stories. Why not? Maybe a personal story. It could be a personal story. I mean, don't clog our inbox up.

Let's not encourage agony uncles. Because you give them an inch, they take a mile. That's the thing with these people. They will email us and they'll be like,

I've got the best idea in the world and they will they will go on for pages and pages and it's not that great how about a news story that's so localized to them it never hit the main news but it's so interesting well that's quite interesting that's almost like investigative reporting yeah stuff like that yeah but for every tiny bit of gold there is a mountain of garbage to sift through isn't it that's down to us to only provide the gold for hat chat yeah to sift through that

through the horse shit the sewage to find that diamond that got thrown away anyway I haven't got any diamonds

You haven't got any diamonds today? No diamonds. I've got a little news that we didn't use last time. Go on then. We need to throw some out there. What hilarious stuff. I mean, what did we do in the last episode? Last episode we kind of covered... Talked about our life. Talked about poop, fecal, microbiota transplants and... Yeah, that comes up now and again. That has come up a few times now. We do repeat... But it's fascinating, isn't it? That you can change your whole personality and become the person... It's like cloning, but through the butt.

I just don't think it is like Clayton. Yeah, I think... No, I think it is. I don't think we came to that conclusion last time.

I've had the 2024. I've had a new perspective on life. Do you believe in resolutions? Are resolutions the things that you follow? Resolutions? I feel like New Year's resolutions. Don't say 1440p. Don't say a high frame rate. No, no, I was going to take that question seriously, actually. No, I don't think so. I think it's a good time to line up what the hell you're doing that year. Where you think about, right, well, what am I doing? Where am I at in my life? What...

What do I need to think about and prepare for? Do you remember what you thought about last year? Yeah. Is it always the same stuff? It's always the same stuff. It's like this year I'm actually going to try harder to stay healthy and fit and focus on my hobbies and stuff and make sure I'm socializing more. All the generic shit.

that happens every year just a new year new me yeah but it's always the same and we always say it's gonna be our year in reference to hat films i will say 2023 it's pretty funny it was our year it's one of our years one of them it was a good one yeah we started traveling again and we switched to memberships we've got got over the hump of covid hump

That was a pretty shitty hump. That was a pretty shitty hump. It was a pretty shitty hump to shake. Yeah. And we got rid of it eventually. Well, it's still burning through the population. It is, yes. How many people was it? Sorry, my mind. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you should worry about it. But there still are like... To a degree. I mean, fuck, no, I'm not going to go into all that. But you're right, it is nice to not have it directly affect my life at the moment.

Are you looking forward to the next one? No. Not COVID, but like the next one. Next big P, big pandemic. Not really, no. Not really. There will be one. I wouldn't say there are events that I'd look forward to. Yeah, I know there probably will be one, yeah. That's why I'm going to buy a house in the country. A very big house in the country. Like in 28 Days Later where they just go out to the country and...

They still get got. There's a danger in isolationism, but you can make your existence a lot more comfortable in situations like that. Yeah, but they still got got though. Do you remember it? If the world fucking collapses, then of course I'm going to be fucked. But you can't really plan for that. And to plan for that is its own form of madness. Wasn't Zuckerberg burning a bunker? I mean, I'd still try and get a load of rainwater. A zunker.

You need to prepare against natural disasters more likely than social disasters. Flooding? Yeah, flooding is going to be a huge problem. That's taking the UK over right now. I mean, we'll be fine, I think. I drove to Reading. Reading's underwater now. There's a pretty big hill near you, so you'll probably be all right. I'm on a hill. I'm at the bottom of it. Yeah. But yeah, lots of places are flooded right now. It's pretty bad. How do you get flooding? Ugh.

So just buy a house on a hill. Yeah. Just, I mean, buy a house. Simply. I mean, like basically, yeah. If you want to avoid these problems, look now where it's flooded to fuck. I mean, this has been reflected for years in like house insurance and stuff like that. There's places in Somerset that have been flooded for the last 20, 30, 40 years that still can't get house insurance because of how frequently they're flooded.

So it's just like, you want to live in this really quaint little town in the middle of lowlands? You're going to get flooded. You also got to worry about land slippage. That's the other thing. No one considers land slippage. A huge chunk of a place called Ventnor in Isle of Wight just fell into the sea very recently. Nice. Fucking gone. Huge chunk of it. What about those bloody cliffs of David? Those are holding strong. They break, don't they, from time to time? Nah. They'll crumble.

Yeah, probably will. In our lifetime. Well, I know in roughly... I don't know. Is that true? I have no idea. I feel like we should be fear-mongering. I think if we fear-monger, at least people can prepare for the things that they are. I think everyone listening is probably already fear-mongered up to the fucking gills. I don't know. Don't rationalize things and act. Don't think. If we can have a breakthrough in battery technology, right? Battery and solar, so that you can...

Charge up a battery rapidly with solar. I reckon we could all live in hot air balloons that are all tied together. Or in hot burning batteries as they all burst into flames. Why don't you just use mirrors? You're charging too fast. Mirrors.

You don't need a battery if you just directly channel the power of the sun into... Into a Duracell. Into the hot... No, into the hot air balloon. So you heat the balloon using reflected energy of the sun. That's insane. Inside the balloon... You fixed it. We should be using magnifying glasses more often as well. We should be using way more... Way more magnifying glasses. A lot of my power solutions are actually all based on magnifying glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took what I learned as a child. Yeah.

Searing power of magnifying glasses. On top of the anthill. And they said, this is the one and only energy source we'll ever need. So yeah, you get the massive hot air balloon spun with spider's web. Yeah, yeah. Very light, but very strong. Very light, but quite flammable, I've heard. Quite flammable, I'm sure. And then inside you line with a series of mirrors as well. Oh, wow. Intricate mirror system, yeah. And then in the centre there's a focal point that's a thermal sink.

Very light as well. Very, very lightweight thermal sink. Not titanium. And then mirrors underneath the hot air balloon, under the basket. The mirrors are heavy though. Very lightweight mirrors. Spiders dandruff. There's a reason there's a basket at the bottom of these things. A woven basket. Yeah, there's a woven basket, but a basket, guess what? Spider silk. Spider silk. Very, very light. Very, very strong. Extremely fine light stuff. Let me tell you, these spiders, they got a lot of work out for them.

We should get some spiders webs and burn them and see how quickly they go down. It'll probably be a flash of a second. But I mean, the Hindenburg was very flammable. And it did fine for a bit. It flew for a while. How long do we need these things to fly to make a profit? Good point. Timing is important. Yeah, that's a good point. It's up in the air and it's on fire. It's on fire and everyone is dead. How many tickets did we sell before that catastrophic incident? It wasn't by a shock. Parachutes made out of spider silk as well.

Reckless. So we've had the underwater Bioshock where they tried to create a utopia underwater. Oh, yeah. And then Bioshock Infinite was in the sky. And I don't think that ended up going well either. We're land-based creatures. We just have to accept that. Not if we create land in the sky.

That's not true because it's always the sky. Laputa? Castles in the Sky? Oh, yeah. Is that the one? That's fiction, I think. Well, the animated film. Oh, I thought it was a song. It is a cartoon. That's a song, is it? Oh, no, Castles in the Sky is a song, yes. Is that Cascada? Like...

It's like 90s dance. Tell me why do they build castles in the sky? I think that was the main theme song of Laputa, yeah. Imagine a TV show where the protagonist discovers that 90s trance anthems actually are portents of the future. So, like, you know, like... And you have to go back and start listening to these really basic lyrics. We're in heaven. What did Gina G's song go like? Or like... 9pm till I come. What happens at 9pm? Well...

What happens at 9pm? The profits ATB have actually been really helpful in averting World War 3. It was weird when everyone turned blue. A unique enigma code that no one would crack. What's Gascard thinking? 90s dance hits.

masking the future technology. Yeah. That'd be pretty crazy. Yeah. Would you judge me if you came to my home and saw like thousands of spiders pinned to a wall and like, because I'm milking them for that. Cause if you've seen it happen, it looks horrible. All their legs like pinned up. It is horrible. And then their, their little butt is like squeezing out this spider silk, but it's like being tugged from them. Yeah. And they're just being tugged.

And obviously they don't really have a real face with expressions, but you can tell that Amanda was like, help me, I'm being tugged. Imagine Spider-Man having that happen to him. Then he'd feel... It's well trodden ground by me, so I won't fixate on it too much. I guess there's cows as well. But all this sort of stuff, the realities of the horrific shit we do to animals is horrendous.

It's horrendous. Like I say, it's well trodden ground by me. I know it sounds like preaching, blah, blah, blah. But we really could do with a completely different way of educating people to understand how much horrible shit animals go through. Yeah, well, a big win for dogs recently. Did you see that South Korea stopped? They banned dog meat trade, which is pretty good. That's a win for the dogs over there. Until I see a dog in the House of Parliament.

Or the House of Commons at least. Like someone's pet or just an actual lawyer? Again, back to dog law. The thing is though, like meat... With a shirt and tie. Meat...

As a person that really likes dogs, really likes animals, you'd think I'd be like, that sounds great. But arguably, the meat that... I'm not anti-meat eating. I think that it's completely fucked how we consume meat and the whole thing needs redoing from start to finish. But I don't necessarily think that if in the perfect conditions, I would not eat meat. I think that... But what I'm saying is, with the dog stuff, with them not eating meat, a lot of the time, different countries eat the meat that is like...

local to them, you know? Oh, sure. So like, you know... Was it... Where does he fish whales? Is it Faroe Islands? Yeah. Yes. That's like... And they used every part of it, which is, you know, a good thing in that sense, but then also...

They're incredibly intelligent animals. Mass whaling is the issue, not necessarily just, oh, look, there's a pod. Let's go crazy. Everyone gets their spears. It sounds and looks maniacal. It's kind of like, whoa, what the fuck are they doing? And then also, like you said, traditional things. It's like fox hunting. Should you step in? And as a developed country, we can hopefully phase out this shit. I don't think it's the same as fox hunting. I don't think it's the same as fox hunting. You don't think it's the same? No, fox hunting is like a fucking... I mean, we go whaling for whaling's sake, and it's more like an event. Yeah, but they're whaling because... For our islands, it's different. The fox hunting thing is like...

a cull but this is also just a fucking bunch of toffs doing it for sport and then getting a bunch of beagles to savage of toffs it's also a lot of like farmers and stuff as well it's not always just a toff I'm gonna use the big tarring brush and say toffs

Yeah, it's probably a little bit. They put on their fucking tweed outfits and they're all dancing and fucking each other on those horses. Do you feel the same about Morris men? Because they put on pretty weird outfits too. Yeah, but I don't think they're savagely hunting. They're kind of dancing. I'm not defending killing of foxes. What I'm defending is the dressing up, the cultural history of the foxes.

I agree, you probably don't need to savage a fucking fox at the end of a hunt to make it an enjoyable thing. I think it just kind of rubs it in when they're wearing those outfits though and have those stupid little... I guess. But it's history. Obviously there's history. Lots of silly... The beef eaters in fucking the Tower of London look ridiculous, you know, but they're used as like... Yeah, there's no bends with the fucking big old furry hats. They just look like they're having a shit time. I know it's probably quite an honour for them to be...

the queen's guard or some shit. Yeah. Nobits right in front of their face, like just yelling at them and like goading them and trying to get like a reaction from them. That's so fucking weird. It's so strange. It's like, hey, look, they won't do anything. Look, I just spit his face. What?

And then just say horrible things to him. And he's just like crying inside, goes home and fucking just hates his life. Like he's the soldier, depending on who it is. They're carrying a gun though. A real gun. It's just a poor reflection on the person that feels like they need to do this to a person. Like the soldier is just there to like do that job or whatever. Whatever they've been told to do. That's what being a soldier is. Just doing whatever the fuck you've been told to do. But it does seem like someone was like having a joke when they designed their outfit.

I thought this is going to look really fucking funny. With the bare skin. The long. The big thing on the head. Yeah, that's like a traditional hat. Again, yeah. Is it Scottish though, doesn't it? I'm not sure. There's a story behind it. But they're called bare skins. I think they've got like four or five cameras stacked on top. I mean, I guess it's all pomp and... Under there.

They stack four or five cameras stacked under there. Yeah, there's a SAM site. It shoots down aircraft. There's anti-drone transmitters inside those hats. That's why they keep them around. They're like, okay, they look ridiculous, but think about the accessories. They've been modernized so much in there. That's where the rat sits. To drive them around. It's a fucking ratatouille. It's a ratatouille soldier. Which we just weren't aware. Don't take my hat off! The rats! That...

it's a real rat that's why they admit his jerky movements how does a rat fire a gun it takes away culpability from a soldier as well because it was just following orders it wasn't me he was pulling on my hair sorry my rat sneezed and I killed someone with an N85

Right, anyway. Yes, but that was, I don't know where that came from. I don't know where we started. It was a dog, we still went for the dog meat trade. It's good that the dog meat, I mean, obviously dogs are lovely, whales are lovely. Animals are great. We just got to work out the best way that we can still eat meat and not torture animals. Like that's it, right? Meat standards, animal standards. What if the souls of dead people went into animals?

Sometimes, I mean, that's what I think. I think that's what Ben Hoddle was trying to say. What? No. What was that about? Reincarnation with karmic impact. Like you're saying basically, you have a good life. If someone died, they can spiritually transfer themselves into other... Oh, you get to choose? Yeah. What the fuck? So it's like, so let's say...

Someone died and was like, oh, do you know what? I want to see what Trot's up to. Gets into Mochi's head and then she stares at all for five seconds and then bam, looks at you. So their life is forfeit and you just get to assume control. Imagine they can hop between animals. So they hop between Ripley, between Mochi. They're just like using you, it's like using your animals like CCTV to you. What can they do? Just make a dog stare into space for five seconds and then just like...

and then they're just watching you and it's their way of kind of just do you think that's what they're doing do you think that's what's happening when your dog does something weird I do wonder you have to wonder when they stare into space what are you looking at because especially when it's suddenly you're like what are you looking at what are you looking boy what is that in the corner I didn't even hear any noise maybe they're better positioning their ears though but have you then checked where their ears are pointing well no his ears are just he's not angling he's just like

He's just staring into space. I think that's pretty weird. So maybe that's when a spirit goes into him and then they're just like having a look around. Ah, not here. Next. What if it's discovered that we're obviously basing all our senses and stuff on us?

What if they can see the fourth dimension? Well, that's it exactly. We don't know fully. They can't speak, but they might be able to see things that we don't fucking see. And that kind of freaks me out a little bit. Yeah, they see time differently. They see the time as a circle. They know what's going to happen to us. That's why they're so at peace. Can they fully understand time? I don't think they can. Well, they just see it all. They don't have to understand it all. Like us looking at stuff, we don't have to understand what we're looking at. If you knew that, you'd feel pretty bad about all the animals you ate.

Yeah. What about? Why? Because they were all like spiritual. If your bottle exists, we're talking about a different model now. Oh, okay. Let's separate these two. He's saying, would you feel bad? I'm not on board with the salt thing. I'm not on board with the salt. Yours is the weird one where humans momentarily use...

Animals, the CCTV system. Dead human spirits hop into animals. Would I feel bad about eating animals? No. Unless they choose to incarnate into an animal that's about to be executed in an abattoir, then I'd probably feel... Wrong animal! No! No!

That would be nice. There's a really great TV show, a great sci-fi show that got cancelled called Travellers. It's a really cool show. It's called Travellers. And the idea is a bunch of humans get sent back from the future where like Earth's a fucking climate disaster basically. And they're trying to like repair what happened. They have this ability to send consciousnesses back through time into bodies that they target.

who are about to die. Well, to make it ethical, they only do it with bodies that are about to die. And one of them goes back and they get accidentally sent into the body of a heroin addict. Because they use medical records to see who the people were after they died. It's a really cool show. And yeah, this kind of thing happens, basically. They get sent back and they get sent back into really shit situations. So one of them's a functional heroin addict and he's their genius. Functional, yeah. Really, really cool. You can be a functional heroin addict. You can. You can just smoke it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman obviously he's dead now but functional until collapse until collapse quite a point though I think he went cold turkey and that was the issue right well that happens to a lot of people it should have heated the turkey up first

Did he actually go cold turkey? I don't really know. I know that that's how Amy Winehouse died. I think she just gave up completely and fucked her system up. Then what's his face? Neil Patrick Harris made a horrible cake about her. Sorry? Then Neil Patrick Harris made a horrible cake about her. Cake? Cake. Did you see that? I didn't see a cake. What about Amy Winehouse cake? He held like a party. Yeah. A birthday party, I think. And he had a hyper-realistic corpse of...

of Amy Winehouse made of the main cake. That's really weird. Why?

Did he ever give a reason? I think he might be an asshole, guys. Do cake makers just make anything you request? Are they just like, yeah, I'll fucking make that? No, they don't. That sounds really weird. Quite famously, they weren't making cakes with gay people, were they? Really? Yeah, that was a huge case. I mean, this is something that's sort of been going through American law for a while. Every cake maker. So it's about whether or not you have the right to refuse business based on a person's sexual orientation.

What if it's a gay cake maker? Surely they're like, well, fuck you. I'm going to make a cake. Well, then we'll have cake wars and then people will have divisions. Oh my God. Are we going to live through the cake wars? Hopefully. I hope it's going to be delicious.

I love the cake wars this is the best war ever hey it's chocolate yes my favourite oh my god no I don't remember that I don't remember there being I know there was one specific bakery that wasn't doing taking part in that and being specifically bigoted yeah I don't know if it was across the board but can you just say oh can I just get I don't know Hitler fucking a horse well I know a lot of cake think people I think will and say no

but they'll do it a dead amy winehouse if you're a cake maker out there and you want to make oh my god i'm sorry he's just showing me a picture of it i don't know were they just like trying to like she looks she looks like a rotten corpse though like a proper full-on like rotten corpse it's weird to theme that around someone who is actually dead corpse of amy winehouse and a little note on the side that's so weird that's a very weird request it's very weird there must have been like some sort of reason for that like as in like

I think it was like a... What was the cake maker doing? I think it was trying to be edgy and just trying to do like a Halloween or something. I don't think people have as many reservations. That's really strange though. Yeah. But like, I mean, I get it if you do it like as a hate figure. Like if you do it, if you're, oh, give me a...

deceased corpse of Hitler and we're all yeah cut his face first I don't know even then that'd be kind of strange what's his party you're right in general it's strange I think that it's less about who it is and in more you're just like this is a weird decision this is a weird choice it doesn't matter who it is for they recently died and you're kind of I just want a Spice Girls cake

What ones they have? Just a picture of their first album. I think this is the Spice Girls. You had that. No, no, I'm just saying that's what I would want. Instead. Just a simple one, yeah. All girls allowed. Okay. Not as big. What about Sugar Babes? No. Sugar Babes are good. No, no cakes for them. Not all saints? No. Come on. Maybe the cartoons. You want a cartoons cake? Yeah. Yeah.

Would you want them in the shoes? I want them to, yeah. What do you reckon they're doing now? Was that Swedish? Was it like a Norwegian? Yeah, they're probably Scandinavian. They were weird. I think it's Finnish. I think it's Finnish. The Finnish are the really good Scandinavians. But I reckon they are... I reckon they'd probably do well touring as the cartoons still. Look, if Sugar Babes are back together, they were the fucking Hootenanny. They were. They were quite good in the Hootenanny, I thought.

You see the hootenanny's way shorter now? Even shorter than his neck. Hey, everyone! Nothing is shorter than his neck. Hi, guys, we're going to break the music for tonight. He doesn't have a neck.

It's probably disability, isn't it? But, you know. No way. It could be. What? His neck. They're from Denmark. Denmark! Danish! Wow. Sorry, Finland. That's the Rasmus from Finland, isn't it? And they're still touring. Their genre is Eurodance. And they went from 1996 to 2006. And then 2018 to present. For fuck's sake. They're back, baby. Why is everything shit coming back now? If the cartoons were performing in Bristol, I think we should go.

And just have a lot... Get drunk, watch the cartoons, do Ootie. I don't know any more songs than that. That's the problem. You don't know any more songs. Which song, Dirk?

That's the same song. That's the same song. You just know the title. It's like when Wheatus performed at your fucking... It is. It was sad. And they just tease it to the end. They're playing loads of shitty songs that no one knows. It's called Doodah. Sorry. Jesus Christ. Doodah. I'm guessing that shows you where it charted in the UK. Where did it chart? It charted in the UK at number seven. Ah, that's pretty high.

But then it was also at a time where I think 50 sales probably got you near to number one. You think so? I think that they made more money back then. Probably, yeah, because people actually bought singles. Whereas I guess they get now a couple of pennies, not even that, for a few streams. They've been going since the late 80s. Who was it saying? I think it might have been Snoop Dogg or something. He had a billion streams. Snoop Dogg? Snoop Lion? He got a billion. Formerly known? Formerly, briefly known as Snoop Lion. Yeah. He got a billion streams on Spotify. That's pretty crazy. And they paid him $45,000 for it.

for a billion streams. That doesn't seem right, but I'm not sure. I don't know what the... Is that really high? A billion seems high. I mean, is that a CPM of $4? A billion is a lot. Is that a CPM of $4? I don't know. $4.5? With no real reference point, I don't know what's good to get. What's that per thousand? Because 45k doesn't seem like... I mean... I can do the math. I don't really know. Because obviously, we only really know YouTube reference points. Okay, so... Well, there's plenty of... If it had a billion views on YouTube, I think you'd get...

Probably about more than that. Much more than that. A billion? You would get loads more. There we go. Come on, Poindexter. You're using a calculator. It's like 0.00 something. Is it 0.45? It's like half a dollar per thousand listens. Less than that, probably. Wow, that's not great. It's a fraction of a cent per stream.

Allegedly. Do you think there are people who go out and buy just singles on CD? No. No, because apparently vinyls are outsold CDs, which is more of a sign of CDs just not selling than vinyls doing well. It does make sense. Because like what? How much is a subscription to Spotify now? It's still quite... 16 quid or something? It's expensive. I've got the like duo family one. That was probably the equivalent of buying one album.

back in the day right yeah it just so like if you were listening to more than a couple of albums you're probably kind of okay as in great for the consumer terrible for the artist yeah great for the consumer I don't really care about musicians being super rich though

Yeah, but what about those that just want to get by? If I'm fucking honest. Yeah, but that's fine. But surely if they don't make any money, they won't continue their work. Yeah, they will. If they can make a living, if they can make a hundred grand a year, they'll keep making music. Yeah, but that's not really fair on all the other musicians. That's not fair on all the other musicians, sure. Well, that hundred grand is the top end.

Well, I'm just saying Snoop Dogg had billions of plays and got 45k. What about all the musicians that want to? Oh yeah, absolutely. As always, anyone who's got talent but doesn't get a big boom just dies off. What I'm saying is ultimately I don't care. I think the music industry is kind of fucked. It doesn't really work in an economic... Using that as an example to say it's unfair on smaller musicians...

you know it's just a fact of life that these bigger musicians have so such scale that they can still make huge amounts of money yeah but that's not they have to be that big but that doesn't mean that like they should get two dollars just so the smaller guy should get two dollars if you know i mean that's not going to fix anything that's still going to create whales let's do it's what needs to change is like the fact that there's so many people have strangleholds on the whole industry that can create like hit machines you know like like

It's the balance between convenience versus supporting the individual artists, right? Because you could go to Bandcamp and download all their music, but it's a niche, really, to do that. It is, yeah. I heard of a pretty big musician I know selling by Bandcamp, and I was like, oh, weird. I was a bit like, oh, I'm surprised by that. It's kind of just a, why wouldn't you, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

yeah i guess supplement your income also because you can choose also pay more right so someone could be like oh yeah like i really want them to continue yeah so here's a bit a little bit more money than the actual cost i don't know i think it's just yeah most make their money via touring yeah actually going out there and selling tickets and merchandising you know much like content creators really we don't earn our money through ad revenue on youtube

via the majority we have to spread in order to make ends meet really we do spread we spread wide and then we earn a lot from spreading yes we do earn a lot from spreading we have to do the spreading the hat film's trio spread it's a trio spread neopolitan and you have to have all three of us at once and we're all spread it's pretty weird it's a pretty weird thing to see but it costs it costs you it's expensive yeah so watch our spread

It's more than a couple of cents stream for that show. Damn straight. Like four or five dollars minimum. At least. For each of us.

Don't worry, it's not. Come on, guys. That's nearly 15 bucks. That's a good evening for me. Just to open your legs. Like, how many... If you had to bang like a thousand guys for like five dollars a piece, that's five grand. That's five grand. It all adds up. It does all add up. That's an evening's work. That's an evening's work. That's five hundred. Did we say five... You said a thousand. A thousand. That's a lot.

That's a lot. I feel like... That's like a whole secondary school. Even if not of that age.

Why was that your reference point? You could have said a concert of some sort. That's probably a poor example. Because the thing is, I visualise groups of numbers of people and I always remember being on a school field and us being put into forms and being like, this is 30 people. And they're just all lining up. We're all going to fuck this one guy. And the headmaster's there. Five are a go. The headmaster's there on his throne. He's like, whoo-wee, five grand. Whoo!

He's loving it. Have you seen the Sland Mage Priest? One of the big frog mages? Yeah, I've seen that, yeah. That's like my headmaster who's sat on a throne being carried by dudes wearing masks. Yeah, another one. Yeah. That sounds weird. If 5,000 men pumped you once...

And we say it on average. Jesus Christ, I thought you changed the subject. One pump is five pounds. Yeah, but how long would that take? Three seconds per? That's a very good question. If you're heavily lubed up and you got pumped once every three seconds. One, gone.

No, it would be. You'd have to do it in a minute. How many minutes? 5,000 minutes. 5,000 minutes. Or 1,000 minutes, yeah. 1,000 minutes. That's just a lot. This is now a time issue, not really a financial issue. This was... 16 hours. So that's not an evening. That's a day. 16.7 hours. That's a long day. That's a big day. That's a 5 a.m. start, 10 a.m. bedtime. There are some people who are just out there for the grind. And that is a minute. Yeah.

per person plus you have to pay some admin staff you need to find five was it a thousand or five hundred i can't even remember what the number was a lot of upfront costs let's say it's a thousand five thousand they're all five dollars each thousand thousand men they give you they slap a five pound done five pound out on your back and they get a minute they get a minute 17 hours later you're five grand up

I think it's not worth it. Probably the physical turmoil. Are you going to break for lunch? The physical turmoil would be... You can eat while you're getting up. You just get served. Stay inside the stirrups, of course. I'm guessing you're strung up at this point. Let's be honest. You've put yourself on some sort of meat hook. You're suspended on some sort of meat hook system, sex swing. You are literally just a hunk of meat at that point.

You're there for that. You're there for that five grand. Hooks under the arms and then like hooks on the thighs. So you just... And then a trough so you can eat. Yeah. And you're like, all you're thinking about is like, well, my rent's coming up. It's just five grand, man. Five grand in one day is not bad. If you just did that five times... It's not about the day. I don't think it's about the day. It's not about the time at this point. It's not about the money. It's about the injuries you're going to sustain.

It's going to be painful and it's going to be long. If you did this five days a week, you'd be making a hundred grand a month. Yeah. Why don't more people do it? You know, those drinking waterfall fountains for cats that keeps the water flowing. I think there should be that sort of waterfall lube system on your hands. Yeah. You've got to have like a constant flow. You know, someone with a squirty bottle just coming in. It's like one of those industrial drills that has a constant water source.

Yeah, no, good idea. So that's an option. Apparently the world record gangbang is 919, man. Christ alive. We could beat it easily. What was the end result? I don't even want to know what that looks like. No, not the money. The physical turmoil.

The injuries, the wounds, and also the mental wounds. Can I see rules and regulations? That's a day that lives in infamy in your head forever. Yeah, but you're the world record holder. Shit, I don't know what you own a world record, baby. That means that somebody's done 918 before then. There's so many other world records that you could probably try. Imagine if somebody beats your world record, you don't even get to say you've got a world record anymore. You're just banged. I banged the second most people.

Yeah, you're not in the book though, are you, mate? You're not in the book. Is that a fact? Is that true? Oh man, what are the parameters? Did each of them have to finish? Because that's too much, I think. Would you want to be the world Guinness record adjudicator for that day? No. There's no pegs to cover this. That guy didn't count. He didn't finish next. It would be a stinky room. It would stink. It would be horrible. It would be the worst horror film ever.

I don't think anyone wants to be on that set. I think there's been documentaries about like porn sets. They're like, God, no one really talks about the smell. It's pretty bad. So gross. I don't know why we got to that either. You'd have to have a queuing system with those metal fences. What, like a fob system? Like a ticketing? That's how you get your five pounds. Oh, you get the brown pound. You get the metal detector. Pew, pew.

Yeah, you're good. You're true. Pat it down. Come through. There's a little merch stand. Yeah. A merch stand. A gift shop. What band have you got there? Oh, yeah. Great, thanks. Fantastic, yeah. Oh, you're a blue band. You're a blue band. Okay, you're on that queue. Gold bands this way. There's guys. There's touts on the out. There's a fast track system. Yeah, yeah. You can stay to be in the top 200 because after that it starts getting... Oh, no. There's touts outside buying and selling bands. Buyers,

selling band you want to just come in i've got the band yeah what was this for oh oh wow oh oh oh oh my god tannoy system please don't buy from the tout numbers nine nine two nine through nine eight six please we can't sell them we just can't sell them we'd like to invite gangbangers from our privilege section uh thank you for

Gang bang with us again. The elderly and children up first. Anyone with young children we'd like to invite aboard. Must be accompanied by a guardian. What if you flicked on a gang bang video and you recognised one of the guys in there?

The numbers we're working at now, it's likely, isn't it? Yeah, there's a good chance that just through proxy you might know someone. Oh my god, that's my sister's best mate. What the hell are they doing there? Oh my god, what's Gary doing over there? Gary, what are you... Oh my god! He's queuing up, tugging

Gary, he's gone back round. He's gone back round. He's looping round. Bloody hell, Gary. What the hell? The trick is not to watch them. Well, that's important. Yeah, that's an important factor. You don't have to. Don't watch them. But like, I mean, I think that, yeah, if you saw a loved one. Now I'm curious. I won't watch the gangbang. I'll just watch the queues.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, huge cue shot. It cuts away from the action. There's a specific edit that never shows the porn. It just shows the cue of dudes kind of tugging themselves off, getting them prepped. I subscribe to the sites especially. Can you guys send me any cue behind the scenes you've got? I'm looking for a guy. I'm curious. There you are. You're still doing this. That's my neighbour.

You're married. He's married. That's not his wife. That is not his wife.

i know that i knew i'd find that i got you that luchador mask for christmas you bastard i can see your eyes i know those those eyes those are guilty eyes you horny son of a he's got a lazy eye very very defined yeah i can see it but you got a head of chrome you're in a lazy eye i can tell i know exactly who that is yeah putting shades on you stupid bastard somebody so recognizable not wear shades

They don't fit under my luchador mask! They've got to go inside the eyes! Very defined face tattoos. Shit, I can see his chin tattoo. Fucking hell. Terrible at this, Gary. You've got a barcode. You scanned that. That's purple sprouting broccoli. It's Tesco. I don't know how we did it. We managed to film 40 minutes. Oh, shit, of that? Wow. Of...

the whole hat chat i don't know how we started i don't know how it got to this point i don't even know but welcome to 2024 yeah the podcast uh more of this to come i'm sure there's more of this to come do you guys have a good christmas no gang bangs oh you didn't christmas

Was it so safe? No Christmas cheer? Yeah. Did you put any decorations up in your home? Scrooge! Not even one fairy light. Not even a little fairy on a tree. I already have kind of crazy lights so why add to it? He's got a flip to you. I'm just worried about putting a tree up because I think Murphy pissed on my parents once. I feel like I just don't want to welcome that into my home and just be like, oh, bring the outdoors in.

Piss everywhere, son. We tried a bit harder this year. We put decorations up and had twinkles and stuff. Last year, Ripley did tear down some fairy lights from the... So Ripley. Was she better this year? She was. No ripping? No ripping. It's tempting though. Those fuckers, you want to rip them. Yeah. As a human.

Yeah, I want to pull them all down. Especially those blue ones that people have. Stop buying blue and white lights, people. It's like icicles. It's not like icicles. It looks shit. Golden lights and maybe some of the multicolored ones. The multicolored ones are okay.

Yeah, sometimes they're alright. Depends if they're nice and tasteful. Just gotta bring joy to the home, that's all. There's no joy in blue or white fucking lights. They're cold. They do look colder, though. I would say they are colder. I like the warm glow. The cosiness of Christmas, yes. Cinnamon smell. Get some smells in. Cinnamon. Spices.

No, I didn't really rock the cinnamon spice. What do you mean? Just decorating the house with spices? Is that what you do? Yeah, just put out some... Just chuck them around the floor? Smell some wine, get some nice scents going. Feels cosy. It's nicer when it's cold outside. Although, Boxing Day morning, Murphy threw up everywhere. And then he ran out into... I stayed at my brother's house, and then he ran out to the garden...

He threw up some more. But for some reason, my brother freshly cut the grass quite recently in winter. That is weird. And I was barefoot. I didn't realize. So I was there trudging through freshly cut grass in the wintry cold. He walked in it. Well, because he wouldn't come back. So I thought, he was just stood there staring at me. Again, maybe he was possessed by a spirit. A temporary soul, yeah. Maybe it was Santa. Oh, yeah, it was a bit late for Santa. It was Boxing Day by that point. Santa's on the present. But still, yeah, trudging through the...

wintery earth looking for dog sick trying to well trying to avoid the dog sick to then just kind of bring him back in for him to then just rush outside and throw up again I don't know what he ate who knows but yeah Christmas

That's Christmas for you. Mine was fine. I just would prefer other times of year for me. Like Halloween. I like Halloween. Not like Halloween. It's still too dark. When there's more daylight. You're more weather focused. I think so. And also just like I don't think Christmas is... I like seeing people and like food is nice and like... I like getting gifts from everyone. I mean of course I'm not accusing other people who don't say this to think that either. It's just I just find it a bit like forced.

It just feels like why don't we just try other times of year to coordinate something together. Yeah, you could do. Yeah, because that is part of it, isn't it? It's just like everyone's going to go see their families and stuff for a bit. Fucking do it then. But you could just arrange something. But I think it's the fact that everyone, it's a universal thing. And obviously shops are shut. So what the fuck am I going to do? Hang out with my family? Well, I guess I will. Or just, you know, jerk at home for Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Is that your optimum? Is that better? No, I don't jerk it either. Ah, not on Christmas. Just wait. You wait. I go home and I wait. Santa! I block my chimneys up so that fucker doesn't get in. No chimneys in my place. Yeah. None whatsoever. Do crime levels go up at Christmas or down?

I feel like or maybe office buildings get raided I feel like that would be an optimum time it's technically crime across the planet right because he's trespassing yeah I think but he's welcomed into people's homes well I didn't

You didn't put out the cookies and whatever else they give you now. I didn't say come into my home and deposit some. What are they giving him now? Mince pies and there's other things now. Carrot juice? I put out Claymore Mines. Or vegan Claymore Mines, yeah. That surprises us a bit. A real obstacle course. Right, honey? Don't go near the fireplace. Do not. That thing's rigged to blow. Don't touch the lasers. Yeah. If it looks like an IED, it's probably an IED. So don't touch it. I bought a lot of digital watches on eBay. But anyway...

Santa, you son of a bitch, bring it on. We're ready for you, 2024. It's about the kids anyway, isn't it? Kids love Christmas. I don't have kids. My brother has kids. They love Christmas. They opened the present I gave them and they just popped it to the side and got distracted by something else. That's just kids for you. I didn't cry about it. So don't expect me to like it.

Sorry? Don't judge me for not liking it. You don't like the kids. Because it's for the kids. That's fair. A lot of Christmases I haven't had the joy. But we tried this year. Yeah. It was a tiny bit more joy. It was more joyous. When you actually try. Have a Bailey's. Yes. Bailey's is good. Yeah, get wasted.

and put us against them. You can just enjoy a Bailey's. I like Bailey's. Have a Bailey's then. But I can have it any time I want. No, you shouldn't really. You shouldn't have Bailey's at other times. Not allowed to. What about... Set boundaries for yourself. For God's sake, you can't be drinking beer. What the fuck is that? Get out of your hand, you son of a bitch. Bailey's is a slippery slope. It's so delicious. A milky Bailey's in hot summery June. It's like a biscoff, milky biscoff drink.

that's got loads of booze in it. - Yeah, it's rich. - It's super rich. It gives me like half a- - I say eat. - Fast and fast. - I managed to eat half of one. - My brother drank a whole liter of it in one day. And he said he had the worst shits the next day. - Oh, I didn't. Maybe he has lactose intolerance. - Well, I don't know. - 'Cause there's a lot of cream. - A whole liter on your own in one day? - Then I had half a bottle, yeah. - Right, okay. - Not one of the big, big bottles. - But it didn't affect your shits?

Not like in a negative way, no. It does sound like he's got lactose intolerance. Well, yeah, that makes sense. Does it make your poo look quite like sludgy? Does it look like clay? Does it look like you could throw a pot with it?

It came out completely normal. Well, yeah, I didn't notice any particular... Was it wet? I guess it was. I mean, mostly. It never comes out dry. Do you have the memory of the shit that you have when it's normal? I have a look every time. If it's bad... Do you guys not have a look each time? Yeah, but I don't remember every single one. If it's bad, you wouldn't remember it. If it's normal, or not weird or painful, then you wouldn't. I try to remember the foods and things I've eaten and drank. Do you take pictures if you've got a diary? I've got a diary, but like...

I've got a rough approximation in my head of like what affects my pooping. I've got a complicated system, as you know. Between midday and 6pm, I wake up from a blackout with like crumbs around my face and I just don't know what's happened. Empty bottle of Bailey's to your side. It's impossible to tell. You just look around, what happened?

He's asking him for a story of the day. I can't corroborate my shit. Come on. All I know is there's an empty litre bottle of Baileys. That's the pieces together. And a real creamy clay-like shit on the floor. Was that me or is there a booning company nearby? Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's a daily struggle, but that's why I'm thinking about getting some tattoos that will allow me to recall...

my past much like memento but they're all based you can't remember is it what if I forget just take a picture of your shit every time I don't want that on my phone take it take it off someone else's phone he'd rather have it on his body fill up someone else's phone chocolate bar your phone for a minute yeah sure what's that for cheers man don't ever delete that I might need it don't

Delete it. Save it to the cloud. That's the problem. I end up getting like, because all these integrated features on phones that are like reminding you of moments in your past. January 08, another turd. That's a bad one. Lovely acoustic music on top. I swear we talked about this. We talked about the website, didn't we? Because I then went on it.

Rape my poo. Oh, rape my poo, yes. So that is a diary of some crazy poos. So yeah, just get on with that. The real long thin ones that are like just curs. That's less of a personal diary. It's such a trope that there's a curly dog poo as well. That's a trope. I've never seen Murphy do one like that.

Then I would take a picture. So you've never seen them do a whip? They'd have to pivot themselves. I think, I don't know. It would have to be like a certain consistency that it would just naturally fall into its... And also he kind of walks it around the room a bit. Mochi likes to walk around as well. Dog shit is so gross. Yeah, you got to... It's like the main thing keeping me from having a dog. It's pretty much this podcast is all dog shit. Get a small one and then they're tiny. They're not that bad. Apart from when they're like...

strung together with pieces of grass. Yeah. Because she ate a load of grass. What's it? I want a Great Dane. Great Danes, yeah. Those shits would be enormous. What's Beethoven? What's Beethoven? Saint Bernard. Yeah, I saw one of those earlier on today. Big fuckers, man. Huge. I didn't see it shit, but I can imagine it was big. I think she said it was 70 kilos. Oh my God. 70 kilos.

That's wrong. That's how much I weigh. I think if you were on all fours, it would be bigger than you. Yeah. So how big are your shits? Would I want to pick them up? Would you want to pick your shits off the ground?

No. No one wants to pick up human shit off the ground. I wouldn't want to pick that up off the ground. Can you imagine how big the dog food bag is going into the bin of some of these big dogs? It's like the whole food bin that you put in the food container at home. But for a dog. Anyway. That's fun. Anyway. So that was Christmas. I hope you guys had a good Christmas and New Year. Sorry for the lack of Hatch Hats. We were kind of just wrestling with Jingle Jam and various other projects. December gets busy.

This is probably the least consumed piece of our media, so that's why it was the first on the chopping block, but...

Thank you. It's back, 2024. Thank you to members and to Patreon and to Twitch subscribers and everybody who gives us any money because that's the reason we're still doing this. Indeed. Absolutely. Partly because it's fun and partly because you make this worthwhile. So thank you very much. I don't know which camera to talk into so I'm going to just stare right down the middle of them. There's three cameras to dot your eyes right. But yeah, thank you very much and it is fun doing these and yeah, we appreciate you guys for

be a member indeed yeah um yes greatly appreciated across the board indeed thank you so much and we'll see you for the next hat chat indeed goodbye with josh renders goodbye bye thanks very much bye

I'll see you there.