Finally, Drinkable Mayo!
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Good day and welcome to the Hat Chat Podcast. What episode number are we at at this point, Ross? Do you know what? Last week we didn't actually mention the episode number and it was 180 last week. Oh my god. So we missed a little milestone, I suppose, there. Damn it. 181 today. 181, which is a nice palindrome of a number. That's true. Sure. And we also have that finger by Npanda, which we may have used before.

Very pleasant. We're running low on them. And I think we did say this last time. Send your fingers into... This is an emergency. We're on rations. We're on finger rations. We're scraping the email barrel. Either that or my emails aren't updating. And that's another technical issue.

Send your email support to our email. That might be a problem. And also, we are, you know, almost at 200 episodes. And if you want your amazing thingle, I mean, I say almost, we're 20 weeks away, which is obviously a third of a year. But, you know...

Just maybe. We'll choose our favorite of the last couple of fucking years, I suppose, and put it on our 200. Otherwise, we'll just start making them ourselves. Yeah, and they'll be bad. And I'll make them bad. I'll do them with my mouth entirely. Yeah, you should do. Speaking of music, first of all, this is music to my ears. My name's Chris Trott.

oh hey chris thanks for that i'm ross hornby hello i'm alex smith i wonder how many people have actually just tuned in and didn't know who we were from our stuff like i don't know would they i'd love an organic kind of viewpoint into something no one's going to tell us journey no there's no way i don't people like that that just drop in and listen to a thing

like me never comment on anything ever so i'm never going to get their insight so i'm just going to assume that sometimes people need to know who we are it takes us like 10 seconds feedback on podcasts either really it takes a lot of effort to like do the five star rating and shit some people's called pissing in the wind doing podcasting so we have no idea like what in comparison to youtube i think i'm comparing it to really and also twitch you can see a live feed of chat

With podcasts, it's like, well, fuck knows. I don't know who's listening. Podcasts are still based on RSS feeds, which is a really old technology. Anyway, whatever. Welcome. Thanks for listening. Thanks. What have we got for the listener this week? Well, I've scoured for more silly, funny news. It's always silly.

The first one I found was quite silly. Actually, first I'll offer you the question. If there was a sauce that you really like but you could drink it, which one would you choose? Probably satay sauce. Satay sauce. Oh, yeah. That's a pretty good option. Drinking peanut. Barbecue's a bit too rich, isn't it? Barbecue sauce to drink would be... Does it have to be a savoury sauce? I guess, well, yeah. Treacle. Yeah. Treacle sauce. As a drink. Fuck me. Okay, I mean... No, okay.

Lasagna white sauce. Oh, just lasagna sauce. Imagine just a sauce flavored like lasagna. Well, Japan have introduced drinkable mayonnaise. And it's making people feel uneasy. Just saying that makes me feel uneasy. Drinkable mayonnaise, man. That's oil and egg. That's all that is. Yeah, it's kind of gross sounding. But it's their latest viral drink. And basically, it's had a mixed reaction in Japan.

Mayonnaise is already a popular condiment in the country. Japanese Kewpie or Kewpie? Kewpie, yeah. Mayo has a cult following worldwide. It does. And now they've made their own version of mayo-style drink dubbed a long-awaited new product for mayonnaise lovers. Fantastic. Do you like mayo anyway? I love mayo. I like mayo with tuna.

You're quite specific with mayo. I have mayo in anything. Mayonnaise is the source for chips and potatoes. That's what you think? Okay. It's the go-to. That's like the Netherlands. They love mayo on their chips, don't they? Yeah, and I think for me it's just the one I always come by. I have a very specific taste, though. I don't like Hellmann's mayonnaise. I actively don't. The only one I really like now is the Heinz Seriously Good Mayo sauce.

That shit is fantastic. It's super creamy. I don't like salad cream. I mean, here you go. You get the details. I don't like salad cream. All three of those. I'm not a fan of the tangy taste. Yeah, I don't like tang. Exactly. Sorry, what were you going to say? You would drink the Heinz one, would you? No. Yes, yes. The Heinz is significantly better than the Helmets. How much would you drink? If that was in a... I just...

Wouldn't want that flavor as a drink. That's fucked up. Like, the problem with mayonnaise is I don't like it unless it's got potatoes attached to it. It has to be. Yeah, yeah. It's a perfect complement to a potato. Yeah. It's complementing something else. It's like going, do you want a Coleman's mustard drink? Mm.

Not really, no. I think that would really hurt. I love Coleman's mustard, but not in that... Holy shit. What? It says here, it's not the only Bizarre Mayonnaise flavoured food to be dropped in the UK. Years ago, mayo ice cream was released in the UK. We've had something like that before.

where we went to that weird like nine or five course meal with Lewis and Co. Oh yeah, I remember it. And we had some really eccentric foods. It was cheese ice cream. Cheese ice cream. And that thing just fucked my brain up doing that. I didn't like it at all. I get that they were trying to create new sensations or whatever, but I didn't like the sensation that that gave me. Imagine the consistency and coldness of ice cream.

but with what it was like i'm trying to remember i remember there was like a it was like a one was salmon or something there was a cheese flavored one they had there might have been a fish one and there was also a cracker with it and they probably did a pickle but it was the i didn't mind it it the reason i think it kind of fucked your head up is because it tastes like spoiled milk

because cheese ultimately is. - You immediately think you're gonna be sick. - Yeah, and so you have this kind of multi, tangy, cheesy, pongy ice cream and you're like, whoa, what is that? - Ice cream's only ever been, that texture and coldness has only ever been associated with sweet things. - Yeah, sweetness, exactly.

They messed up my brain. I like Japanese mayo. They put extra spices in it. I get it from the supermarket. That's pretty much all this article is saying. They've just introduced it. A drink. I'm going to glug that down. How much do you think you could drink of mayonnaise? I don't think I could drink any. I don't like mayonnaise. 100 grand on the table. If I had a spoonful of mayonnaise on it, I'd probably potentially throw up. You don't like mayonnaise at all? On tuna.

10 grand, you've got to drink three liters of it. Three liters of any sauce.

Three litres of my favourite sauce would be difficult. Like three litres of... It's ten grand there, Ross. Yeah, I'd do it. You'd just be vomiting constantly, wouldn't you? I'd just be like... I'm not allowed to vomit that I'd fail and lose the money, but I'd give it a try. I'm not... I reckon like... It's a lot of money. One litre in, he'd be like... Taking them, throwing up, taking it, throwing it. It'd be a fucking mess. Yeah.

- More. - You know objectively it's not gonna hurt you long term. 10 grand is 10 grand, isn't it? - Cheeseburger challenge. - Yeah, I didn't get 10 grand for that. - No, you didn't get any money for that. - I just got a belt that we made out of cardboard.

You've got the legend status. I did. I got all that social credit, which I spend daily on heating. People still talk about it now. People bring it up all the time. I try to tell my energy suppliers, I've got lots of social credit from the crazy things I've done. Could I spend any of that on heating my home? And they're like, Oh, you don't accept that. Sorry, mate. No. Saw that video though. Right, lol.

And no, I didn't throw all of those cheeseburgers up afterwards. And that kind of put me off McDonald's for a little while. But then we had some for lunch. It's because they were microwaved. Like we had to microwave them halfway through because they went cold. Yeah, which is not good. They got mad sludgy inside your stomach. That was a problem. I'm throwing it up. It was like, you know, that brown slushy snow you get next to the road. Yeah, slurry. Yeah, it looked like that going into the toilet. So it's sort of grey. The beef and the bun had combined in such...

sort of horrible quantities that it just created a grey slurry. I just wouldn't recommend eating that many McDonald's. I'm not planning to. Most people would do such a thing. That's a good point that your adversary Strippen soon left the Oxcast after that. He did in shame. He could bear it. He couldn't bear it every day. He would walk past our old office door and I'd yell at him.

Alright loser. And then everyone else was like yeah he is a loser. They're like yeah. Because he lost the cheeseburger challenge. And then I'd get my really tall wraparound multicoloured sunglasses on and just start shouting about how I was the cream of the crop. What a hero. Wrestling really goes to your head.

Last week we were very health conscious with people's bowel movements and also the time they spend on the toilet. Yeah, butthole health mainly. Well, not necessarily an update on that. That should still remain. Like, don't spend longer than 10 minutes on the toilet. The science hasn't changed. Otherwise your ass will fall out. Gravity will pull it out. Gravity will take your ass and tug it away from you. It's the perfect environment for specifically your rectum and the internals of your asshole to come outside.

Yeah. You're literally opening the door. Don't let it out. Do not let your ass out. If it does happen though, do you reckon you can milk it like an udder? No, you have to... I saw someone comment saying, no, you need to use salt and scare it away. It's like a slug. Like a slug. These conditions aren't here for you.

Get out, go back in, go back in, like the holy water. No, no, there's an article here about saying that doctors say it's fine to pee in the shower, which I feel like was always fine. Yeah, sure. I mean, I never really, I mean, I didn't. You're kind of pissing on your feet though, right? Well, I can aim. Short, yeah, breathe. It depends if you've got a short throat. Have you ever, well, I'm sure you have. Have you gone to the toilet at like 3 a.m.? I don't know why that late, but.

you've got no shower it's 3am you've got no shower it's 3am it's 3am no not a shower just pissing into a toilet standing up you can feel the splash back on bare legs yeah doing that just on a drain cover in a shower you're splashing it onto metal that's going fucking everywhere in the shower yeah I mean you'd aim or you don't yeah but it

No, no, no. You aim into the shower tray. Into the running water in the shower tray. Yeah, you need to aim for the broken water. Don't hit the metal top. There's no splash back because it's hitting the water. Where the water's broken, aim for that because the splash is already happening. Yeah. So you're then going into a splash that's existing. I've got a metal grate with holes in it. Right. Don't piss directly onto it. Hey there. Ryan Reynolds here. It's a new year and you know what that means. No, not the diet. Resolutions.

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Don't piss down on us where the shower's at. I mean, again, if you're concerned about don't piss in the shower, it's just... I'm not pissing in the shower. Yeah, you're right. It's going to splash on other parts and if you're going to put piss in the sink, some people do that. Don't piss in the sink. I did in my old uni accommodation. There's so many uni accommodations where bedrooms have small...

like hand sinks to wash and get brushed teeth or whatever people piss in them because they get drunk and then it's also waist height yeah there's a surprising amount of rooms in university dorms where the sink is kind of like in the living area oh in the living area as well have you seen that it's because all the houses have been repurposed for student life and like

cramming as many people as possible. It probably used to be a bathroom. It's like, this was a small toilet but we just cut through it and now it's a bedroom. There you go. When you say living area, do you mean like the corridor or do you mean next to the bed? Oh yeah, those ones. Yeah, that's really standard. If you don't have an en suite, they still give you your own sink. A sink so you can brush your teeth. It's just weird it's on carpet. Yeah, and also even weirder when you have to piss in the said sink in a carpeted room whilst your friend sleeps in the narrow bed next to you in the middle of the night.

but you don't sorry that's happened to you isn't it yeah yeah i was in a tiny bedroom with my my friends flat uh well not flat tiny student accommodation and he had a single bed studio suite right i had non-sweet i had non-sweet back at my uni dorms but i went around to his and um i was sleeping on the floor that night and i woke up and i was like mate where's the toilet he's like just piss in the sink i'm like what

He's like, just piss in the sink. And I sort of was like... At least you were given permission. I've had friends who just did piss in our sink. His toothbrush was next to the tap as I was pissing. Like in a cup. Did you not move it? It was dark.

I just didn't even know there was a toothbrush there. Well, I didn't want to turn the light on because it's like 3am. So I just got up and just like pierced in the sink as best I could. You go straight for the hole on that one. Yeah. You can't have too much pressure because they're really those really small sinks as well. They have like a really strong curve. I just remember when we looked at houses and like when I saw a sink in there, it felt so alien to me. Yeah. To see a loose sink on its own. Yeah. Just in the corner of a bedroom. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. It's like, what's...

you got your own little sink and it's like you wouldn't see that in a family home it really was very much geared for students it doesn't really it doesn't make sense does it because like you've got like a source of water in a place that's full of personal electronics yeah like a bedroom right and so you're like no don't put sinks in the bedrooms it looks like an afterthought it does and well that student accommodation for you yeah so pissing in the shower is okay i don't know why doctors are the fucking be all or end all about this as well i don't know who are these doctors

They're just experts. Karen Elber, a professor of urology at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. I don't want to use... I said there's no downside. It's just convenient for some people. This is pissing in the shower, not the sink. There's no downside. We kind of pivoted to the sink, but... So have you showered already? As in like applied shower gel, cleaned yourself and then taken a piss? Or are you pissing and then...

It doesn't actually... Because I assume you would clean yourself after pissing in the shower. What compounds in your piss do you not like that's not also in your water? Urea.

Waste extract from my body, but it's not going back onto your body day because it might I would say I think it would be a sensible option to piss first wash After anything because like you say there might be some backsplash you might want to wash it off and that's fair enough I think that's an understandable thing to do. I don't stop being further away. You maybe want to make a nice arc and

Let it splash. It'll create an arc. Depends on how much you need it, I guess. It might just drizzle out. Sometimes if the water's hitting directly on the penis, I feel like I'm pissing anyway. Yeah. Sometimes as well, if you want to pinch the end, pee a little bit.

Inflate. Oh, inflate like a balloon, yeah. Yeah, but like the other thing you can do is... Like a shotgun piss. You can use urine to clean the lime scale from the glass on your shelf. You can't do that. You can't do that. That's a lie. As long as you take a lemon in with you. Squirt the lemon on, piss on the lemon, and that's a good cleanser for lime scale. Just want to make it clear, piss doesn't break down lime scale.

It doesn't do that. This conversation is interesting because like, so yesterday I was listening to, I think it was like BBC Bristol or something in the car. And this guy kept saying dick pic. And I just felt like, is that, should that be censored on daytime radio? The word dick. Him saying dick pic. It was a conversation about dick pic. But how else would you word it? Because I feel like, what else would you call it?

Do you think that any word for genitals should be able to freely said without causing offence? If you said cock pic, I feel like if you said cock pic, you'd raise a bigger eyebrow. Cock. Penis pic. Penile pic.

I guess a todger take. I don't know. It's like saying, let's look at all these awesome tit pics and then let's look at these tit... It's a bit like... It's a bit crass, isn't it? You're listening to the fucking radio. If it's not Radio 4, the only people that listen to the radio apart from that are like, what? That was the BBC. I was just flicking through. I was like, what's going on on the radios right now? Yeah. And then they were just talking about dick pics and how... That is odd. Too many people send them these days. It's kind of like a subject that probably shouldn't be on daytime radio.

Like with just no care. I thought that there was certain rules. I thought the general BBC had gone to shit. But I don't know if dick is considered a swear word because you can also call someone called Richard Dick. It's contextual, isn't it? It really is. Because if you said you're a dickless freak, you'd be like, God, that's offensive. I'm Richard. Yeah. But I think if you said penis pictures, that would be even more shocking. Penis pic? I'm not sure why because I think that's just maybe... Gives it more of a scientific... Penile pictures. Penile pictures. Penis photograph. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess so. Just say lewd photographs. Yeah. But I guess they're specifying, aren't they? Specifically dick pics. Which are unwarranted most of the time. Who wants that? No one. No one wants a dick pic. No, I suppose not. But like...

It shocked me a little because I thought I've never really heard people say dick so often in such a short segment. I was like, is this live? It was their last day at work. Yeah, he's just like, well, I've just taken a load of dick pics and sent them to the office. Anyway, here's somebody to say that taking dick pics is wrong. Oh, talking about dick pics, there is an article that came up saying New Mexico man receives largest medical malpractice payout for botched penile injections.

God, what happened? How was it botched? Well, that's what I... What was the intended effect? I only saw the headline. A jury decided this week he would receive more than $400 million in damages for botched penile injections. Man, how much do you think your penis is worth? I mean, also, who the hell can afford to pay that? I doubt they can afford to pay that. They won't. They'll probably get installments, right? For the rest of their life. $400 million? Oh, it was over $400 million. $412 million. I don't know why they didn't up it to the actual number. How? How does that money come back? $5,149. How's that figured out? Uh,

I wonder how that's figured out. Let's see. The clinic misdiagnosed him and unnecessarily treated him with invasive erectile dysfunction shots, causing irreversible damage. So basically, this guy is... I guess his dick doesn't work anymore. He's out of action. And they've just said, well, here's half a billion pounds, almost, dollars. Yeah. That's how much it's worth. If someone offered you 412... Fuck it. Put it out of action.

I'll find another way. But aren't you happy with your life at the moment? Your dick works, right? No. It's a mangled mess. My dick doesn't work anyway, so... I think those injections might be an improvement. Yeah. I'll take 412 million, though, to lacerate and macerate my dick. Oh, wait. He had botched surgeries, unnecessary injections, unnecessary medications. Yeah.

they're really experimental could we double that amount if I have double the amount of unnecessary work done to me if you also let them fool with your balls as well yeah yeah just said yeah multiple rounds the guy was in his 70s medication and procedures yeah fuck it

Yeah, that's why he needed the treatment so badly. Because he couldn't get a rod on. Oh, he is in his 70s. He gets $412 million. That's kind of fucking crazy. That was the judgment, whether or not they'd get him any of that money. Yeah, I assume that's all going to be tied up. In his 70s, that thing would have been floppy anyway. It's like when you win the lottery. If I'm in my 70s and someone said, you know, we're going to make your cock just a limp piece of rope, but we're going to give you $412 million.

I'll go, my bank details are... And then just pull your saggy, fetid penis out. Your libido is going to be in the floor anyway. Say you accept Klana and you'll take a monthly payment. That's insane. But yeah, apparently they're trying to appeal that number. But I mean, that's an insane number. 400 million. I want to know where that number is plucked from. I guess it's probably just counts of procedures. So each procedure probably had a certain cost. And then they just literally...

add it all up and be like, okay, well you did this many times. And then the cost on someone's damage to their body, that could be any value, right? And then it's like, but maybe it's like headshots in video games. If you get the penis, that's worth a lot more money. Oh, is it like a heat map? Yeah, it's a heat map. Or you hit that bit, that's an extra mil. You hit that and the heart's in there as well. If you fucked with his heart, you fucked his dick. If you hit that big fucking throbbing vein on the way up, because that's got huge value.

I mean, so that's, yeah. So in the UK at least, you go through small claims court and personal injury claims. Well, for mine, it would be a big claims. Big claims court. Right. Okay. Yeah. So there are actual physical costings attached with remuneration for loss of certain limbs and things like that in the UK. There's a guideline that they generally stick to. You can then sue for more. Like, you know, you can try and like say like loss of earnings, et cetera, et cetera. But in the UK, there's like physically a list for like

an eye is worth this an arm is worth and it's quite low like i think it literally is like a like something was five grand put it that way i can't i can't remember what kidney what would you lose for five grand yeah you'd lose a kidney for five grand it doesn't i think that's the cost of a finger rather you take a kidney over a finger yeah i would got another one no because it does affect you like i think it would affect me more i think yeah it might psychologically and physically

Yeah, I suppose. Whereas a kidney, I don't really feel it. You will feel having not having a kidney though. I feel a pinky less. More, sorry. Would you rather have five pinkies or five thumbs? Five thumbs. They're opposable. Five thumbs on each. Yeah. I could do so much more with five thumbs. Imagine jamming five thumbs in your ass.

I think I looked it up not that long ago. Well, a little bit long ago. How much, if you were to sell an organ, how much that would cost. You can privately donate organs for money. We need some memberships. He's looking up selling his organs, people. I did not realize that. I'm on hard times. Payment for a living kidney donation from the NHS. Or you can do it private for a bit more money. You definitely do it private. What does eBay do it for?

You sell organs on eBay. There's no fee. How much is life worth? 10 body parts you didn't know you could legally sell. You ready? Could you sell a kidney? No, organs are illegal to sell. Well, kidneys are in high demand right now. Almost 90,000 people in the US are on the waiting list. This is all US based. What's legal to sell?

Hair, breast milk, stool and sperm. Nice. To the difficult to retrieve eggs. Just drain yourself of... Hair. You can donate hair. $100 to $1,210. Okay. So depending on how much and how good condition it is. Yeah. Red hair apparently is the rarest.

Lovely. If you have very thick red hair, it could net you $1,210 at local web shops. Get out there. Get out there and start selling. Start a business. You've got no other value. You can do it as a passive income. Yeah. You can donate your shit.

Stool. Bowel movements could get you paid a lot at the very top of the stool scale. Isn't that for the replacement thing? Human microbes bring $500 a pop if you've got good human microbes. Yeah, so I guess they have to do a little test on you first and then figure out whether you can just start shitting into a

It's brown gold! It's brown gold! We got a grade A Wagyu beef shitter right here. I'm working overtime. $100 to $125 for a shot of sperm. Sorry, can we go back to the diet of a person who finds out they've got top grade A shit? Oh my god. I'm just on prunes, eggs and Weetabix. I already marinated my shit. Oh my god. If you need to use the toilet, just move the sieve. Yeah.

How much?

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for 24-7 support in Massachusetts or call 1-877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY in New York. How much would you sell your womb for if you had one? Sell it? You can do a womb transplant. What do you mean is the process of selling it? No, you assist a couple struggling with infertility by providing your womb. You're selling it. You're literally incubating a child. Surrogacy. How much would you give up?

That's a huge toll on your body. God, I don't know. I think you've got to have a certain mindset. Tens of thousands at least. Isn't there like a... $45,000 to $55,000 to hold a child for nine months and give birth. Octomum would bank. Yeah, fucking hell. Can we genetically engineer Octomum? I'll do eight at once. Yeah, an eighter. Give me a litter. How much should donate your entire body?

What does that mean? Afterwards, yeah. Is there a cost to that? You could sell it. How much? $75 to $4,500. What is the point in selling your dead body?

It can pay off some debts to the funeral and stuff like that. You just said 75 quid. 75 to 4,500. It's quite a lot. It could help medical science. You might be on a TV show where they slice you up into really thin wafers and go, look how much grey matter this guy didn't have. In a previous life, Alex Smith here was an entertainer online. Look at his mouth full of love. Let's just peel out his lungs. He's

He's still alive. He's still alive. Holy shit. Yeah, no. Are you looking at more dead bodies? According to Medical Futurist 2019, if you sold every chemical and organ in your body over time, you'd be worth $45 million. Wow. But the estimated price for dead bodies is worth $550,000.

The estimated price of a dead body. Or you can get Mexican doctors to stick your dick and 400 million. So which is it? I'm going to Mexico. I'm going to Mexico to get my dick destroyed. It was New Mexico, just to clarify. New Mexico, so it's America. It's very different. United States of America. Yeah, but we're rushing there to just get needles stuck in a dick. That's not what I asked for. What's that one worth?

It's gotta be at least 50k. So what do you look to have done? What's the thing you're least confident doing? Yeah, what's the thing you've never done before? Any kind of strange stuff you've ever done? Any kind of like, you know, like real small odds? Do you want to just inject my penis with a few things? Just inject random things in it and see what happens. I took all the products from underneath my sink and I want you to inject them into my penis. I'm afraid we've become necrotic. Oh no. Yes! Dead dick. It's gotta be worth half a bill.

Yeah, annoyingly, harvesting and selling organs is illegal. Yeah, but there's probably a black market for it. Go on the dark web and find out. It's a good job because it saves people like you from selling your fucking kidneys. People would do that. I mean, people could get tested on, don't they? Yeah. For that type of shit. So I don't know if they get paid much for tests like...

drug testing probably good money do you reckon they do under the table stuff like in a strip club it's like but like oh go on let's just test this new drug on you go on just we have to just inject it directly in your eyeballs oh fuck downside but big money if you got a call you could go blind immediately oh fuck shit what's the benefit is there a benefit i'm looking forward to seeing what the chinese have done with unrestricted gene editing technology

Yeah. You've seen it, mate. You've seen those aliens. Mega, mega, mega soldiers. Yeah, apparently. You know the CRISPR thing? Yes. The rats making them glow and stuff and like going like, oh yeah, no, this actually does kind of work. It does stuff. It does crazy stuff. Yeah, it does crazy stuff. They're like,

well, this might work on human beings, but we can't, we can't test it that much. And, um, because if, you know, we haven't been testing wink, wink. Yeah, we probably have, let's be honest. But like, um, yeah, China doesn't really have any like laws or rules necessarily around, um, or at least the government doesn't obviously have any sort of worry about the ethical implications of genetically modifying someone to have, you know, the ability to see in the dark, uh,

by injecting things into their eyeballs. That's nuts. Sounds scary. Yeah, I guess it is scary, but also sort of just interesting, doesn't it? So you would test on people if you were scientists? Only if they were voluntary. I wouldn't fucking do it against people's will. That's fucked up. What about voluntary, but because they're in desperate times?

Yeah, so manipulation, you're talking about like, manipulating someone's current situation. Like going around and collecting up the homeless and then offering them a banana and a coffee and saying, well, I'm just going to inject this into your pollux. Yeah, it would be like that. You're describing a situation that's quite grim. Yeah, perfect. You've understood the brief here, Ross. Yes, no, I don't think that's a great way to do business. Yeah.

I don't even like bananas. I do. I love bananas. If I was on my deathbed and the only way to keep me alive is you guys are the perfect kidney donors. I need one kidney each. Would you do it? I'd be like, mate,

"Wait, do you want to try some heroin?" - Wait, what? - What? - You're gonna die anyway. - Oh, so I'm not getting the kidney. - No, you wouldn't get one of my kidneys, but I might go and buy you some heroin. - I'd go out with a bang. - Yeah, yeah, I'd be like, "No, mate, no kidneys, bug, just call this little bag." - I'd do it and lord it over you for the rest of your life. - What, you'd do the kidney thing? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, I need two, so would you give up both? - But that's a different situation. - I'd wait for you to do that, and then I'd overdose him.

He dies as well. I'm there just on a machine. But I get the heroin, you get nothing. And then John just to hell, just like, I'm waiting for an opportunity. Oh no, he's killed him with heroin. Fucking hell. He wanted this. He wanted this. What age would you try heroin at?

age what do you mean right now if you look if you think about your grandparents annoyingly like the young well not the younger the better but like as in when you're fit and healthy it's probably the best time to try it well can we get the thing up again please there should be a warning um

No one should be doing heroin because it's a slippery slope. But when you're 75, though, you know? Yeah, that would be a good time to drop some DMT or something. There we go. Not like on the streets, but as a painkiller as part of his operation. As a controlled substance in a controlled environment. So she explained it as...

if you took this much fentanyl in real life your lungs would just stop stop working because you're so relaxed every all your muscles relaxed to the point where and that's how much he had machines to keep the machines breathing for him at the time so that's what we know like you'd have to get yeah an entire breathing so i got a heart lung machine so hook yourself up to a load of machines and then go yeah now i'm gonna get that which is likely where i'm gonna be when i'm 75 so dose me up there

That's just what happens in hospices, I suppose. Yeah. It is like a form of heroin. Well, yeah. They're constantly drugging people. Morphine is just a branch of heroin. Yeah. Isn't it? It's just like one molecule or something different in the makeup of it.

which is pretty wild to think. I've got a friend who's a GP and she said that when COVID started to hit bad... Did they have some prescriptions, mate? They were... Yeah, yeah, obviously. When COVID was hitting bad, they were pretty much instructed by NHS to give full-blown palliative care to anyone in retirement homes. They're basically authorizing the...

euthanasia the slow euthanasia of people and because they were like we don't think we can actually stop all the old people from dying from this so if you have to treat them just give them everything and anything to like ease their suffering uh but luckily you know of course people did die but not anywhere as near as bad as they thought it was going to be but yeah she was just like yeah yeah when it first started they were just like yeah pretty much you're just going to go out there and you're just going to like

Inject them. Go drug up some pensioners. More cheery stuff, Ross. I was going to say, because the news are discussing that now, aren't they? In Parliament. Yeah, it is quite topical, actually. Euthanasia. But that's only if you're terminally ill. Yeah, yeah. Which is why it's like... Because it's a very sensitive subject. It's assisted suicide, right? But in a sense that they have to do it themselves. They have to be able to say it themselves in the first place. So it's not just like...

I reckon they need to die. It's not that simple. I think it should be less morbid and I think there should be a euthanasia coaster in Alton Towers. Rollercoaster. That's where they go. I think you've mentioned this before. I have. Have you seen the concept? The G-forces are enough to kill you while you... It gets smaller and smaller. They'll be so uncomfortable. So you just...

It's like, it's called the death hole. You experience wormhole-like gravitational pull. It's like a 2P going down there. It's the spinny supermarket 2P coin thing. And then in the middle, I mean, that's it. You start by staring into those. One of your earliest memories as a child, I don't know whether they're still in supermarkets, but that's certainly something you looked at and just went like, whoa. So for those that may not have had it in their hometown or country, it's...

It's a big dome with a concave spiraling thing with a hole in the middle that you put a 2P in and it always rolls on its side all the way down to the middle. It takes fucking ages. It speeds up as it gets close to the middle until it finally drops down. It's very satisfying to watch. I don't know. We just gave up 2Ps for that. We were just paying that 2P. Was it to charity normally? Was it? Most of them went to charity normally. I saw a lot of them. It's like a charity box. It's just, you know, you have the fascination of watching a coin roll around a...

it was genius in design very simple but made you want to give money to charity and you want to turn it into a death machine yeah well that's your message there imagine both being the person that needed it but also you get to go to Alton Towers and watch it

People are dying at Austin Towers anyway on roller coasters, aren't they? Or just suffering life-changing injuries. It's a very serious thing. If you've seen anyone in that kind of situation, I personally would rather not get to that stage. I'll get the pillow for you, Ross, don't worry.

Honestly, yeah. In some situations it is devastating. I'll give you both my kidneys as well. I'll give you both my kidneys. Oh shit. Well, just so you can suffocate with the pillow. I'm just there in the back of the needle ready to go. He's like, which is it? Pillow or heroin? There it is.

The euthanasia code. Oh, it's a real thing? The loops that get smaller and smaller and smaller. Oh, it's actually been mentioned before. There was actually a visual representation. No, it's a concept. It's a concept idea. The sideways one makes more sense. The image of the sideways one. It's just the image of a guy doing a presentation. So you do a really big chain pull up to a huge peak, and then you drop almost vertically into four or five ever decreasing in size loops. That climb with the mental stretch you're going through on that climb is...

At the end of this, I'm literally going to die. Imagine surviving. Most people fear dying on a regular roller coaster. With the basic element of, is it made properly? Is it built correctly? Is there going to be one of those things where I end up just colliding into another train? You're going to die. And all your dead bodies are going to be nice in their safety harnesses at the end of it. Presented. Straight into a furnace.

Come on, you're queuing up for the wrong one. Come over here. Oh, shit. You're going for the Death Coaster. The wrong one. Oh, shit. Okay, yeah. It shouldn't be that easy to access, that's for sure. If they make the coaster out of really, really high temperature tolerance metals, you could have the cleanup just be super high temperature lasers. You could just drive through the station at the end and it would just clean all the organic matter off. This looks like a Planet Coaster 2 recreation of it. Here we go.

as a visual representation. I don't know why I said two. It's probably number one. So they've rebuilt this exact roller coaster. So this is the feeling if you're watching. You should definitely watch the video on Hat Chat podcast on YouTube. So first loop, probably surviving that, aren't you? It's hard to... The visual representation, it's hard to really feel the cheese. I imagine the physics in this engine doesn't go fast enough for it to truly kill you. Yeah, but I mean, you've talked through that many times. At this point, you're in the furnace. All the lasers are...

It's just like a processing facility. Jesus Christ. It's both a laser thing and then it goes through like a car wash thing where the seats are all cleaned up. And then you get in and it's just Christina Lovely again. A bit wet. A bit wet? It's like when you get into one of those water rides when you're nice and dry and clean and it's got a bit of water in it and you're like, my seat's a bit wet. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of sitting on wet things. Yeah, it's terrible. Ugh.

That is a deep memory. What else have we got, Ross? Keep looking at that picture of a banana. Sorry, you mentioned bananas. I brought up this article which just said, I mean, it's nothing to do with what we, we went to some very dark subjects. It's a great pivot. It just said, shoppers can be made to feel sorry for single bananas. Study finds. Nice. Researchers say supermarket customers are more likely to buy a single piece of fruit labeled as a sad single.

But isn't that the same mentality used for like the misshapes or where it is for vegetables where it's like, oh no, these are the ones that nobody wants. So you've personified it like some sort of Pixar character. Yeah. And you go, oh no, they should just put googly eyes on everything if they want to sell it fast. Oh no, look at this. This one's sad and it won't sell. I do find it annoying when people tear off a banana from a bunch. I find that annoying for some reason. You are annoying that the symbols are being made. You're depriving someone else of a full bunch.

Yeah, but then you're providing someone the single that they wanted without having to be the embarrassing bastard to pull them apart. If it's sold by the weight, they're perfectly within their rights. I know, it's just... You're only going to pull it off later. I'm not talking about the banana. Maybe he is. Maybe he's talking about a pink banana. Oh, naughty. I've got an opinion on this. Okay, good. Go on.

It's just... It's because it's making you belong to a tribe, basically. Well, the sad tingle thing. Yeah. It's making you part of a caring group of people. Same with the stuff about...

selling the vegetables like too sad to go blah blah blah all that sort of stuff it's turning you into a tribe that cares you're being part of the people that look after people your part allows you to identify yourself through your purchase which necessarily puts you in a category i think you just see it allows you to feel like you're affected by it yeah but that's because you're already in a tribe that is psychologically affected by the concept of some something being lonely or sad some people aren't in that

I bet if they... That's why I never go to dog hostels or whatever they're called. Oh, God. Because you'll end up picking up a ball. Like, oh, this one's been here for the longest time. No, he hasn't. His tongue's stuck out of his face and his eyes look the opposite ways. He looked at me. I think he wants me. Oh, no. He wants to be with me. I'm going to save that one. And it's like, oh...

It's fine, but it's just building on what you were saying about personification of stuff. I think that would be even more effective if they had little sad face stickers that they put them all over. That's what you were saying about googly eyes. You said googly eyes. You're suggesting ultimately the same concept. I think googly eyes would be more effective. That'd be funny. Yours would be sad. That'd be an interesting A-B test, isn't it? Are we going to get the people that like funny fruit? I guess it depends. I got funny fruit. I went into the zoo.

- Come on, can they put googly eyes on the bananas? Look at this. Usually this is mundane and boring, but once it's kind of interesting, but really ultimately not that interesting. - And you have to pay someone full time to put googly eyes on everything. - Yeah, it's just maths at the end of the day, isn't it? - Unless you have a section of the single bananas and it's just like, they're looking sad. It's like these ones ready for the bin or something. Then you're probably more likely to grab them because they're like, "Oh, they're gonna get wasted." - They could be on a conveyor belt. - You go around the back of the bins anyway, you see everything wasted. - Oh, fuck.

You could put a whole, like you could put a gallows up on, on a diorama where there's a banana dressed as a headsman about to cut the head off of another banana. Someone save him. The most absurd appeals to people. Like, come on. Like there's like a nuclear, there's a bomb that goes off if they don't sell enough bananas.

bananas you know like the ageist bananas yeah or the green ones on the left i think that would be extremely bananas if we just need something to be sold we put them in an extreme diorama where like they're in a plane and it's going down but we need a pilot yeah to take the seat and it's just like you saved a banana today yeah yeah well done one singular can you call it a life no

How dare you? It's already been picked. Plants feel pain. Bananas are all clones anyway. I feel nothing for them. Fucking hell. Star Wars logic.

It's just a banana. It's just a banana. I don't feel sorry for fruit, to be honest. Well, it'd be difficult to... At what point do you think we'll get to that stage? It'd be difficult to live. Unless it's an animated film, in which case they can probably make me feel sad for anything. If they anthropomorphize a banana, give it feeling, yes. That humanistic feeling, sure. But yeah, the regular old banana, I'll stand on one. You know how supermarkets add to their costs because they have to offset stock loss through shoplifting?

Yes. Right, okay. If that's already in place... We can shoplift. It's essentially a tax on the people. All of us. So really, we should be getting something for that tax, right? Or we should be stopping shoplifting.

Is that our job or is that the supermarket's job? It's not just supermarkets. Obviously, Amazon's the same way. If they lost a package or a package hasn't been delivered to the right place, you just refund it and that's it. They just do it. Like I mentioned in another chat as well, the loss of money from self-checkouts from either mistakes or just sneaking in a thing is astronomically high. It's like either fake, not fake, but accidental

accidental thievery or genuine shoplifting. Probably a huge chunk of it comes from that. But I'm guessing it's still cheaper than just employing a person to do checkouts. Oh, yeah. Anything to remove paying someone. So if we've lost those jobs from the economy, do we then need to offset that cost by stealing from supermarkets? Yes. I don't know. I feel like we need an entire punnet of grapes on the way around. I don't think we should be... Fucking get your weight in grapes. They're going to be gone by the time I get to the till, which means, therefore...

The store paid for it. At the very least. But I bought other things, so surely that's a good thing. No one should be punished for bin diving. Oh, absolutely not. Oh, I don't think so. And also the amount they waste in the back. Surely they could offer it to... Well, no, this is the other thing about that Netflix program. I'll try and find the name of it. Employers don't like employees taking stuff from it either because it...

affects the value of the product. Yeah. It also encourages them to waste things. To waste things so that they can grab them at the end of the day. It was called Buy Now, the shopping conspiracy. It was called Buy Now, the shopping conspiracy. Sorry, are you hearing that reversing? I am hearing a vehicle reversing behind me. That's all your hopes and dreams. Reversing. Reversing into a bin. Um...

But basically, one of the things they were saying about high-end brands is that they will destroy their own perfectly good stock just so that people can't grab it and then devalue the factory.

So they have to literally burn all these bags that cost like thousands of pounds. They're restricting supply to create demand. Exactly. That sucks. It's pretty crazy. And then you have companies like Sheen or whatever recreating this stuff for a fraction of the cost. And then it eventually just ends up... Because it's so cheap, and we probably had the mentality before ourselves of just like, oh, I'll just buy a few of these on Amazon or something because it's so cheap. Where is it going to go? Back in a big hole in the ground.

So it's quite an eye-opener. It hasn't really changed anything I do, though. No, you're constantly in Versace and Hermes. Every item of clothing I buy is a Smithies outfit. Can I burn it at the end of each day? Still cheaper than buying real clothes. That one's worn. Done. Well, that's pretty dirty. Add that to the fire.

I think that's everything we've got for today. That's a lot. Ended on another downer. What? Burning? Which is ending on a music stream on Tuesday. That's right. Jingle Jams coming around. You'll listen to this before Tuesday the... December.

No, it's next Tuesday. Early December. I got you. The second or third. Next Tuesday, the third of December. So every year, if you don't know, we're part of the Oxcast network that likes to do a big charity fundraiser called Jingle Jam. It's kind of become its own thing with other streamers and influencers taking part. We are taking part and usually every year we do a big music stream where we make up improv music on the spot and

and try and make it as silly and fun as possible to raise as much money as possible. So look forward to that on the Tuesday from 5 p.m. Yeah. And we're pivoting from, if you've watched it before, we're pivoting away from the Neon Musk saga. Yes. As we only have a couple of songs left here. We just want to do something different for this one. We're hearing about that guy far too much recently. And he's got...

There's no need We made a parody of him being an evil mastermind And he just got worse He's become that more and more So we're going to keep it silly and away from a specific theme It should be fun So look forward to that And we're doing more stuff There's a game show and a farming sim tournament The farming sim is on the day before the 2nd of December which is Monday

There's lots going on. The following week, we've got a game show, which Kregel is preparing for us. Good luck, Kregel. Things for Jingle Jam. I'm a chaser in the chase. He's a chaser in the chase. There's a chase game show. Are you? Apparently. According to Daff's conversation in the kitchen yesterday. That's the thing. I don't know what day that's on, though. I couldn't say.

Cool. Look forward to all of that. And hopefully you've got a little bit of spare change to raise for good charities. If not, just enjoy the show, I guess. Definitely. We'll see you next time we do a hat chat. Thanks for listening. Bye for now. Cool.