Hick-Hacks!

Hello and welcome to the Hat Chat Podcast. This week, your hosts are the same as every week. That's crazy. That is really new. But just in case you're hopping in at this point because you're just mindlessly doom-scrolling on Spotify, which is a weird thing to do, stick to social media, mate. It's not my chosen doom-scroller, but yeah. Chris Trott is me. Hi, Chris Trott. I'm Ross Hornby. Hi, I'm Alex Smith. And that was Dib Schwart.

Oh, dibs what? Dibs what? Nice pronunciation. Thank you for the finger. Whole one at the end with a bit of alien talk in it as well. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well, I'm excited. I'm on board. You've teased us to the end. We all have to go wait until the end now. That's crazy. Thank you. They gave us multiple versions and I chose the one with alien talk on top. Good. And hopefully this one won't give us a little copyright strike.

No. It happens. They did offer one of their own songs, original songs, but I opted for The Finger. Oh, nice. Yeah, The Finger works. Just in case you get copyrighted. It's YouTube's fault. It's YouTube being YouTube, you know. Silly buggers. Anyway. Very silly buggers. Thanks for sending your fingers in. If you would like to send a musical masterpiece to us, of course, our email is hatchat at hat-films.com. It's also a great place to...

Just ask us how you're doing and stuff like that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't invite that. It hasn't happened yet.

It hasn't happened yet. It doesn't mean it should start, though. They will start. It happened back in the day. People used to abuse it. When we did Hat Daddies, that was... When we opened up. Well, that was because we were doing like an Agony Aunt thing and that was our own fault. But now that Zero Degrees is a job. Yeah, you can send it to Zero Degrees. That's Ravs' and Lydia's podcast. You go to them for some crazy stories. Or real stories, which are always sometimes sad. But do send...

hilarious news to us yes please do because it's quite hard to find headlines the localized stuff is quite funny sometimes it's hard to find funny news it's always funny funny morbid it's either morbid or I mean this one was kind of funny I suppose oh let's kick it off with that okay but this one the headline is man removed from American Airlines flight for farting excessively

Can I have a quick personal story? Okay. Because that's reminding me of what just happened this morning. Oh, this morning? I went on a photo shoot, very fancy. I won it as a, we went to a wedding fair and won it in a raffle. Nice. So I went to this photography thing with me and my fiancé, and we had a little shoot done. And they got us excited and stuff. They're like, oh, lean into it and start pushing so they can get some authentic reactions and stuff. I farted so loud. Oh.

And it's like a really echo. As you leaned in, you farted. So loudly. Yeah. And she paused because she was like trying to get us excited. The photographer was trying to get excited. I was excited. Yeah, yeah, go on, lean into it. And I went like really loud. And she paused.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going. Oh my God. Did you just laugh it off? She didn't even laugh it off. No, I was like... Did you giggle? ...into trying to win the pushing contest. So did you just let it go? So nobody was unaddressed? Yeah, unaddressed. So was it a case of you squeezed the fire out of me? I got too into it. Because I've done that with Murph before. I squeezed his belly. It was the pressure of pushing...

Which also fucked my back up. I think that's... You fired your back into despair. My back was already fucked. It wasn't the start of the fuckery. Jesus. Yeah. So, I feel like the only way to address a fart is to laugh about it. The whole thing was a laugh. What if it's so stinky that it makes you... Was it smelly? No, it wasn't. It was just like a load of air.

Well, that's good then. Win-win. It's funny and you... You aren't disgusted by the smell. Because when they smell bad... It's sometimes so bad. It's just like, whoa, whoa. Do we stop the photoshoot now? I don't want them to breathe. Everyone out. To breathe now. This is a disaster. I'm like...

We shouldn't be in here right now because you're... Also, I've got another personal story. I dropped my AirPod down the elevator shaft this morning. Yeah, I know. Oh, you did? Yeah, he did. It popped out. Nightmare. Went down the hole. Just fell out of my pocket. The thing opened up and then one of them just went down the hole in the elevator shaft. TJ came to my aid, got a measuring tape, bit of sticky tape on the end and then...

Anyway, we jived the shit out of that AirPod. And you got it back. I got it back. It's incredible. Because I think individual AirPod loss is not covered. Well, no. You have to return the other jets. Those things aren't cheap, man. They're so expensive. But anyway. So, fucking great job, DJ. How it ties into the farting is we both went down there and someone dropped a fucking bomb in the toilet. And it was literally right next to the doors. And there were people coming past gagging. Gagging.

What is that? Disgusting. I do reserve... It wasn't me. Sorry, just to clarify. It wasn't you. But I do reserve that toilet for shitting if I need to. That's the entrance, Ross. So downstairs, that's the one.

I can't remember the last time I had a shit at work. No, it's been a while, but if I'd had to, that's the one. It's quite barbaric to do it. It's the entranceway. The problem is it's a communal area. It's not even associated with whatever work culture you've got within your individual offices. Do you use the disabled toilets?

Like, the problem is below, we've got the Chorizo Meat Tasters Association beneath us, haven't we? So I prefer if they stuck to their floor because they stink out their toilets. But no, we're all using the communal entrance and every day I have to walk in and inhale the stink. It doesn't smell that bad all the time. But what I'm saying is I don't think we should socialise the use of public toilets for shit, like public toilet areas for shitting. It's just an office toilet for the building. But when a person comes into your office now, they're more likely to take a whiff. Yeah, but I'd rather it not be this top part. Don't you think...

it's the lesser of two evils it's the lesser of two evils you can either do it the one in the hallway where everyone you know can smell it or go downstairs where anyone is anyone's game yeah but that's guaranteeing that everyone plus the rest of the office you can't attribute that to you I'd rather make the shitty smell that we create our own problem than everybody else's problem to save face amongst ourselves yeah I feel like that's a different this is what I'm getting at I think we should be using

That one down there because no one's going to know. He can do it. He's doing an anonymous drop. Well, because it's gross because whenever you bring anyone into your office or whatever, say you, so we don't, we don't do this, but say you're bringing like new business into your office. We are guaranteed an increased incident of incidents or incidences of people creating stinky shit down in that hallway because of that point. I might not never that bad. I'm not,

I've not had a gagger. You're the fan. I haven't had gaggers. You can't guarantee it, though. In terms of, oh, what did I have yesterday? I don't know. You can't gleefully go downstairs to the bottom floor knowing this isn't going to smell. No, you can't guarantee it. But at the same time, it's just like, yeah, I feel like...

Yeah, I've never been down there. I've not experienced walking past it and wanting to throw up. I've already told them about the flight back from Las Vegas on this podcast, haven't I? The bit where I had... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to go back there again. But we got the passenger from the news. So, yeah. So, here we go. Back to what sparked this conversation. God, that was such a great circle. This flight was recently delayed after a disgruntled passenger farted and was removed from the plane. Just one big fart, was it? You didn't follow through or anything. Yeah.

I don't think so. I don't think it was, I mean, I don't know if they went, if they followed through. It just says fart. It just says this past Sunday I was on a direct American flight from Phoenix to Austin and I was seated near the row where the situation occurred. I'm simply sharing this because it's somewhat entertaining and no, I did not film anything.

He said he observed the man was audibly disgruntled about something. He's farting. He's not using a flamethrower. Have you been on a plane where someone else is... Obviously, you have. It's horrendous. What I'm saying, though, him saying, oh, sorry, I didn't film it. I'm like, well, it wouldn't have given us much more information, would it? There he is.

Got him. You can't see. It's not a freak out. It's not like someone going nuts and getting dragged off a plane. Well, they were actually saying they might have got dragged off the plane. I don't know if that was... So several minutes passed and the majority of the people are seated but still haven't left the gate. I overhear him loudly say, you thought that was rude. Well, what about this smell? So he did it as a gag, like a bit. You thought that was rude. What about this?

So like excessive farting is the use of the word excessive here that I find funny. Like, so there was one fart too far, but it just became so, cause it hadn't, it can't have been. I did it on demand as a troll after. Yeah. But is that just one fart?

Because excessive farting to me is like after being asked to stop farting, you continue to fart excessively. For me, like one fart is not enough. Well, what if the fart's really long? Is that becoming excessive? What if it's like minutes long? That is excessive. I'm like, this guy's got a leak. Or a very tight bum hole. Under 10 seconds, that would not be excessive, but you'd lose a tiny little bit of air from a balloon.

Yeah, exactly. Or like one of those rocket balloons. Yeah. But that might be a measured fart. Have you ever tried to do a fart where you just try to get out a little bit? Not in my adulthood. Rather than have a... You want to... There's a technique to it, obviously, is to peel back one cheek. Peel... Peel...

The use of the word peel there is insane. Peel back a cheek. It's quite a visual, isn't it? Why are you peeling? Your cheeks are wet. It implies that there's wetness. I take the shotgun approach to farts. I like them to be as fast and loud as I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I know I've got the air there, I'll be like, I'll stop, tense up, and then... And then, like, that's how I'll go for it. You could so easily follow through on that. You could.

You've got to be careful. I can tell. I'm a very windy guy. I'm quite gassy. There could be some stuff up there that's... Due to my wheat intolerance, I'm often very gassy. Good. We know. I know when it's an air-based one and I know when there's something in the chamber. I know when there's a torpedo loaded and I know when we're just casting. There could always be a nugget in there that's just hanging around. You'll never beat a dog's fart. For smell. I'm not trying to beat it for smell. For sound. For smell.

Unreal. In a negative way. It's so disgusting. It's just... That makes you want to throw up. Can you describe it? Not really. It's just that it makes you want... It brings on that gag. Eyes watering. Eyes watering. Like, fuck. Why did you do that? You've got to open a window. Why? Jesus, he doesn't know either. He doesn't know what he's done. Does it smell just like dog shit or does it smell different? It doesn't smell like dog shit. It just smells...

It's just... Why do you like this so much, Smith? The back of the throat kind of... Every time he always inquires why he starts fucking laughing to himself. It's just so vile. And if you have a dog or you've experienced a dog fight, you know that there can be some of the worst things. And the thing is, they're silent but deadly.

They're not always loud. Sometimes he does a little guff and he looks around and thinks it's someone else. It's like, no, it was you, buddy. Mochi only farts noticeably when she's anxious. Oh, wow. When she's worried about something. You can hear her stomach just gurgling. Like when you're brushing your teeth and you're getting too far back. You can hear her stomach going like... She's fucking panicked about the toothbrush.

and farts well so you're probably holding her while she farts no she's very good with toothbrushing yeah she like puts her hands up pause sorry that's crazy doesn't have hands hands up on the little shower tray and she's like brush my teeth it's very cute it's very cute oh nice she comes in next to me when I'm brushing my teeth

And I brush her teeth, but she gets worried as soon as I start. She's like, oh, I know it tastes good, but I didn't realize you'd be brushing with that same thing you do every day. Yeah. Fucking hell. Have you squeezed her belly before and it did a fart? No. Yeah, I've had a murph a couple of times. I think I find it interesting. Don't squeeze it hard. It's just like a gentle...

Like, I'm not a dog owner. And for me, like, the farts and the dog poop and all that stuff, it's obviously disgusting. Like, horrendous. And so I just want to hear that quantified, I guess. That visceral reaction. And obviously, like, Ross is talking about it. It's very funny as well. But, like, I also just kind of like to just hear people. I think there's a lot of... I think people presume...

that people understand every perspective or way of seeing things and i know i don't because i i feel oftentimes people are like so you think that people you don't you don't get this at all do you and i'm like no can you explain it to me so you're doing quite a selfless surface really for all those other people out there that haven't experienced it maybe no no no no i want the information i want it i've given you yeah yeah yeah of course but i'm not going to be like

I think emitting the selfishness is almost more noble than to take the free selflessness. No, it's quite obviously selfish, the amount of gratification you get from it. Yeah. In terms of laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fucking love it. Dog farts can really change the mood in the room. Yeah, I mean, smells in general, right? Smells are a huge thing. Yeah, it's not like a baked good. It's like... No, no, no, I mean... Sometimes it is. So it's just like, if you were doing something, it's just like, oh, it changes everything.

Everything. If you were almost about to bust a nut and then that whiff comes in and then you blow it to the smell of your dog's heart. You might get an associative... What's that smell? It's not me, promise. There's an associative reflex. What's it called? Gang reflex. No, not gang reflex. What? Where you associate a smell with like a memory...

and then it's permanently linked oh I see like with like so I can't drink Sambuca anymore for example oh yeah like a disgust response to that it's not a Freudian no that's a Freudian slip a Pavlovian Pavlovian yes we have like a visceral reaction that has to happen like a lot yeah to kind of ingrain but I guess you'd be traumatised you get PTSD from a moment where it's like

Last time, you know, I was having, you know, doing something with the stink of a fart. It couldn't happen enough, though, where the dog is confused, thinks it's training, that every time you bust a nut, he farts. Oh. So then you get that Pavlovian response. There's got to be a cue in there. There's got to be a cue. It's conditioning. You condition each other. Yeah, it's conditional, like, psychology. That's good. Thanks, Murph.

You condition each other. You're in a self-perpetuating conditioning. That's terrible. You need somebody to intervene. That would have to be very regular for that to become a Pavlovian response. Yeah, that's why it's clearly a problem. Also, you know, some people...

you know, would have to go through like extreme psychological reconditioning to like stop that. You know, that's when you need to hit the mushrooms hard because you created such strong neural pathways. Yeah, but I like it. Well, lucky you. Lucky you, I guess, because you've got a farty dog. I'm a fan. What happens when you lose your farty dog? Do you start? Yeah. I'm going to have to fart myself.

I'm going to have to become a breeder because I need... The first one was lucky training. Now I have to put this training into a new dog. It's a horrible situation to get yourself into, but, you know, well, we've come up with a great...

Lovely thing. Any more news out there? Different news. I mean, this one just goes on about how gross this guy is. Jack Glaser dog farts. I think it kind of sums itself up with just the title. Yeah, he farts a lot. Gets taken off the plane. Gets taken off the plane. It's just there's a whole story where they're saying, you know, he's farting and calling people rude and low class. I'm dying. Yeah.

He's calling them low class. Yeah, he's just farting as a response, like a comedy kind of... Also, that's kind of funny to call somebody low class. Yeah, but you're the one farting. Who the fuck? You're farting on the plane. You're so low class. Such a low class piece of trash. It's like a South Park episode. It's literally... Yeah, it's... What are they called? Terrence and... Terrence and Philip. Terrence and Philip. Ha ha!

When people are banked into a corner and get defensive is when people are most fucking stupid, aren't they? Yeah. Like when people are willing to die on the hill that they've got themselves into. Well, I'm not. I'll fart again. Well, I'm like, you're a lower class. Yeah. It's like, you just look like a fucking idiot. That manifest guy. Yeah. Don't touch my penis. Oh, you know you're trying to do well. Well, he was trying to lead insanity. I think he was going for that angle. Right. And it failed. What was the charge? What was it?

Wasn't he trying to steal? Was he running? I don't really know. I think it was something to do with eating a meal. Yeah, a Chinese, sucky Chinese meal. A sucky Chinese meal. Great clip. But he was mistaken for like a guy that they were on this hunt for as like a boss of some sort of mafia-esque. A boss? But it wasn't. It wasn't.

him however they also found out that he was a criminal for something else and got him anyway I think that's something about yeah I think that was it because originally I was just like if this dude's entirely innocent this is just unbelievably fantastic but no he is also kind of a bit of a con man yeah a bit of a con man enjoying a meal on somebody else's credit card probably

Do you watch Formula One? Oh, all the time. This is as new as yesterday. So AlphaTauri have rebranded their name for 2024. To what? And it's just really long-winded. To Cash App. Yeah, to Visa Cash App RB Formula One team. Seriously? That was a joke. No, that's what they've renamed it as. It's literally Cash App in there. It's called Visa Cash App RB.

Fuck me, how much did they invest in that company, Cash App? A lot of money. To get that name. They had to put a fucking shit ton of money in. AlphaTauri was kind of a cool name, but now it's just three different sponsors. It's just one of those things, yeah, it just takes someone, you know... Visa. It could be Dildo's RS if they had the money. I'm sure that you would have a brand... Yeah, I'm sure there'd be...

brand sensitivity before you just go actually no we've got dildos rs on top they're giving us almost a billion dollars so we're just going to fucking take their money and put dildos rs on our front cars really lame isn't it which yeah um yeah there's enough decals on the car itself for then like the

title of the brand to be changed to a sponsor. The gold rush of F1 has begun, I think. I think that's what we're seeing here. With people like Red with the Las Vegas stuff happening and their rampant expansion. I mean, this gold rush of sport, really. A lot of sports are now taking pretty...

like you know they're taking all the Saudi money and all that sort of shit how much have you read I just saw I mean that was just a little bit we didn't go too far into the F1 stuff that's pretty stupid you've heard of it we put our face on a bus right oh yeah we did how much would it cost to put the Hat Films logo on a Formula 1 car

Like a Ferrari. Like millions. Why do you have to specify? What's the cheapest one? We can't afford it. It costs millions and millions just to, you know, run a team. One little decal. Are you serious? Are you serious? How do you think we could get a decal on an F1 car? And also you'd probably have to sign up to a contract for X amount of years. What if it's a hidden one, like the inside of the petrol cap? It would be pointless, but it would still probably cost money. A lot of money.

Unless you know a guy there and you just draw a hat on there. That's a very different situation. And F1 is one of the last places that they can advertise pretty much anything. And always obscenely expensive things to people that enjoy that hobby who are obscenely expensive. How much is it to... So the competition for advertising will be ridiculous. Sponsor on a F1 car. But if you've got the money, you can. Wasn't there that fake... Oh, yeah.

One to 50 million a year. 50 mil. One to 50, depending on what the ad is, I'm sure. Fuck me. Like, what's the return on investment there? Well, you know what I'm wondering? Because when you think that there are people with OnlyFans like Amaranth or whatever earning like 50 million in a year, she could put an ad on it. That's a whole year's worth of work for her. Yeah, but if it's one, what's the cheaper option? Just get a little...

logo on the tail fin or something i don't know i think it's about making certain it's it's it's not necessarily about creating new business it's about maintaining business i think the brands that do it are like legacy brands that want to maintain presence within that scene like and they're the people spending also cut down on their tax yeah what do you mean cut down make less profits yeah yeah for all these companies they've they're all making silly money but that's not clever that's just reducing profits you know what is clever what

This woman has stuffed her hamster to look like a pole dancer and even put notes in its G-string. What a slutty fucking hamster. What did that hamster do in life to deserve this? Oh, God. One pet owner has chosen a much less traditional pose for her beloved hamster after it passed away. They were devastated when her Roborovsky dwarf hamster, which are tiny fuckers. They are really... Dwarf hamsters are fucking...

Horrible. If you can't sex them properly, they'll eat each other. Yeah, mine was a right little bastard. Reproduce and then eat the babies because I've seen it in first hand. I told you. In first hand? I have discussed it before. It's gross. It's all little rib cages everywhere. It's weird. It's pretty much like a scene in Alien. But would you rather that than this taxidermy job? I wouldn't taxidermy my hamster into it.

I mean, the image is quite hilarious. Can you describe it for our audio listeners? Yeah, so there's a mirror disc on the floor. Tiny one. Tiny one with a pole coming out of the centre and there is a taxidermied hamster holding onto the pole. Stood up like a human. With a pink thong on and two little printed out dollar notes in its cheese string. Stuffed into the side of it. It's also got one of its hands up in the air. And its face is kind of giving the feeling of like, yeah, you want this, don't you? I don't know if it is giving me that. I'm not getting that...

To be fair, for a taxidermied pet, the eyes are quite good.

And obviously they're probably just a little bit... Do you reckon they replace the eyes? Oh, God, yeah. Otherwise they would go weird. I think... I'd like to see lots of little hamster patrons, like, around the bottom of the... Making it rain. Yeah, yeah, like around the bottom. Patrons, yeah, they should get a collection of them. Make an entire... It would be so morbid. A diorama. But then I guess, you know, I mean, there are stately homes with animal heads on the walls, so it's like... Do you reckon a hamster would gauge, like, they could see this taxidermy in the corner, right? They see this from their little cage, and there's, like...

a few audience members now they know they're next they're going to be when they die they're going to be in that diorama do you think they can process that no no i think not only i don't i don't know what situation you're even describing but i don't know the intelligence of a hamster but i don't feel like they'll look at it and go yeah that's going to be me like there's no fear it's not an effigy of like just a warning i understand that they're looking at a show of other dead hamsters either like you know like they're like when's my next meal

Oh, it's over here. This little piece of plastic. I'm sold. It's better digging to this. No, no, no, bird. I think their visual range is quite good for the little hamster. Possibly, yeah. I've not really looked into the visual range. I think they're nocturnal, most hamsters. Sorry, it costs £105 to do that.

What, 195? 175. How much was the hamster? I mean, weird taxidermy is nothing new, let's be honest. And I don't think that that was a beloved animal. If that was a beloved animal, I think you've got to be a psycho to do that to it afterwards. The reason I'm laughing is because of how absurd it is. It is absurd. It looks silly because otherwise they've dressed up like a stripper. Yeah, yeah. And again, I just don't know how you'd find such a sly hamster in life. Also, that made it to the news, which suggests that they wanted attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course they did.

yeah probably went viral is there an OnlyFans maybe yeah there's gotta be it's always the same fucking pose if you went into a friend's home if you went into a friend's home and you saw change it up a bit man come on it's in the poll if you went to a friend's home and then you saw on the floor a rug but it was like their old dog

You know how you get those tiger rugs, but their heads are there. Do they do that for dogs sometimes? Well, if you saw someone who did do that, would you kind of... I'd be like, holy fuck. Would you get out? I feel like I would be like, this is weird. This is crazy. One is on the floor and it's only a small dog. I'm amazed. I would ask them about it. I would be like, so what is the story here? Are you stepping on that thing as well?

why not mount it to the wall or something I mean how big is the dog what do you mean if there's any dogs taxidermied in a house at all I'm gonna be like this is a this is a alarm bell yeah but if it was just literally limply on the floor like as a little rug it's like you can see it's a little dead base I find it kind of odd as well like if you were to get another dog and then that dog is just like walking around on the previous dog's right carcass yeah that's fucking weird isn't it yeah

My mate in Somerset, he had this barn where we used to play music and he had a leopard's head and a boar's head in that bike. No, a leopard's head, a taxidermied leopard's head.

And he didn't know where it came from. It was like a family heirloom or something. And he's just like, yeah, it's just always been up here. I think his dad probably knew. I think it came from his granddad or something. But it was just full on just a leopard head mounted on a wall. And yeah, so it's bizarre. People still have weird stuff on their walls. I find taxidermy fucking weird. I think it is strange. Especially bad taxidermy is really awful. It's rarely good either. It's like that's a dead head that you've severed and put on a wall.

There's loads of taxidermy in the milk thistle down the road. Yeah. There's like, yeah, otters and stuff. Is that a cocktail bar? It is, yeah. That's a weird thing to get drunk and look at. Yeah, it's kind of creepy. You never get the eyes right. The eyes are always a bit warped.

Just put marbles in there. But I don't think I'd get a pet taxidermied. No. I don't think I would. I think that's the difference. Like old, old pubs, like there's plenty of those in England. Old pubs have a lot of taxidermy around because like that was a way of decorating a pub hundreds of years ago, I'm guessing, you know, like decorate, bring the outside in. There's a little bit of space over here. Let's put...

Animals head on there. Or like celebrating a hunt, like, cause you know, all the meat from that deer might've been used in the kitchen or whatever. Like, and then you would then mount that and say like, Hey, there are these great, these huge deer have been served in this pub. I don't know. But like after a while. Or put a tawny owl in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. That's all. But like nowadays it does feel a bit like,

a bit like, I think we're not too far away from people who care about having taxidermy stuff in a pub from never caring again. You know what I mean? Like, I think we're a couple generations. Yeah. Mainly you're like, oh yeah, it's one of those pubs rather than like, oh sick, let's find one of those pubs that's got like the stuffed owls in it. You know, you don't go. What do you think is the weirdest creature to taxidermy? Uh,

A reptile. No, not a reptile. A reptile I think would actually stand up for us. An octopus. The issue is... Some form of aquatic jelly kind of creature. Yeah, the jellyfish. I don't even know how you would even approach that. I guess you'd have to create the moulding first and just wrap this... It's all a silicon mould. It's just not going to work, is it? No. I mean...

That's interesting. I'm almost wondering whether that exists. An elephant? Jelly taxidermy? Taxidermy elephant? I've seen elephant head taxidermies before. Yeah. In like the big tusks and stuff on the wall. Can you taxidermy a jellyfish? Is that what you googled? No stupid question. They preserved it inside like a... Resin. A resin cube. That's a good way to do it, I suppose.

That was an R, no stupid questions. Can you text to tell me a jellyfish? It's not a stupid question. I guess, yeah, I really genuinely don't know. That'd be shit. You can preserve anything, right, in resin for a beer. Someone preserved that hamburger. What if it was just like a dog head?

That would be fucking weird. I think I would judge the person... Would you cap the end or would you show the spine and... No, you put like a silver kind of disc. Like a Pringle can lid. Like a Pringle can lid, yeah. No, that would be fucked up. I'd judge the person for doing that. I wouldn't taxidermy my pets, no. Especially not into a stripper. That's disrespectful. Sky burials are the only way. Why does that hamster now have to live its afterlife? Well, I guess it's not living its afterlife, it's dead. But...

it's living memories now as a stripper some cultures would hire a stripper to dance over the dead body you see videos of it don't you which cultures dancing over dead bodies people get like like twerking in the face of the dead because that's how they wanted to live that's how they lived yeah they're like maybe they were a pimp or a dancer to go to the strip club all the time yeah literally that is the reason behind why some people hire strippers for i got their favorite to come out and dance on the great this article you is it yeah

Britain's oldest male stripper shares weirdest jobs including 250 person funeral that's a lot of people to a lot of covers that in there that's the best night we've had that's yeah a lot of notes a lot of notes coming in the g-string today fucking hell

A male kiss-o-gram. Sorry, just before we move on from this, this is actually quite interesting. Go on. We have a person watching that works in the Dutch Natural History Museum. Oh, yeah. And they do taxidermies live in the museum. This is called Naturalis. They've taxidermied an elephant before. I imagine they would have done, yeah. And the skin alone weighed more than 400 kilograms. Oh, my God. Almost half a metric ton. That's crazy. About the size of a small car. That's insane. Yeah, it's magical.

Fucking hell. That would be so difficult. So do they have to build a frame structure for it first? I assume they would have to. And then just cover it in its leather? I don't know the process. You have to take out all the flesh, I think. But you have to then somehow try and preserve the musculature shape. So, yeah, it's hard. It's hard to do well. That's a video idea, I guess, for us. It's a bit of a lost art. Should we try and do our own taxidermy?

I'd like to be taxidermied. Human taxidermy? No, I think that has been a thing in some museums. Have you seen the guy that's on the motorbike? Is mummification the same as that? No. That's just preserving. Taxidermy, you fill the body with formaldehyde, I think. Cotton wool.

whilst mummification you take all the organs and things that rot out and then you basically I think you like beef jerky them do you cover them in salts to draw a lot of the moisture out of the skin I remember we got taught about mummification yeah I knew a lot about mummification back in the day like they pull the brain out of the nose and shit I think it was weirdly it was part of our curriculum it was like part of the natural history curriculum right but why the brain out of the nose though because how else would you get it out cut they couldn't really cut the head I guess but you think that you drill a little hole in the back of the head and slurp it out like a slurpy slurp slurp

Get a little Dyson on it. They didn't have Dyson back then. Wait, what? But they built the pyramids. I was just a Henry back then. Just a bloody Henry. And his face was sad. We've been using Henry's brain slur. Weirdly, my TikTok now has a mortician. Just randomly pops up. What's this? And just answers questions about how mortuaries work.

Which is very odd. Like, how do you transport a dead person into the casket? How do you reckon that happens nowadays? What? Wait, wait, wait. So there's a dead person. They've done their job of like making them look presentable. Yeah. Put them in their little suit or dress. Yeah. And then they've got to move it from this table to the casket. Right. What do you do? Like use a tray? Stretcher or like a, you just get a couple of people on board and grab it.

Lift it. Or do you use like splints? Ramp. They're on the tray. You start really high up. A series of wheels. And then you just tip it down and they just slide down. Like in Thunderbirds when they got in the little like...

Loads of rollers underneath. Would you believe it? That is not right at all. Do they get paper, strong paper that they put under the courts before they start preparing it? Grease-proof paper. Then they put it into the coffin and then they burn the paper away. Oh, like magic paper. Flash paper. Flash paper for magic tricks. It's actually just wheelie tables and they put it underneath this

So they have a lift of three straps that they bring down. Oh, okay. Like a pulley system. They put them under the body and then lift the body up and then put the casket underneath, lower them in. Ah, okay.

It's weird, isn't it? It is weird. It is weird. Like morticians and so morbid. Yeah. Well, I mean, also, it's just like it's one of those professions where you're almost neck... Everybody else doesn't have to think about it, you know? Yeah, it's out of sight. You're acting beside society doing a different job. Like, you're dealing with something that most people don't... Would have a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other thing I don't get is, like, how you get into that industry. Is it, like, family-driven? It's the fetish thing. Right. It's either a kink or a family thing. It's got to be a fetish thing, right? Yeah.

I think that if you're getting into it fresh, it's definitely a fetish thing. Yeah, I feel like, I really want to do this. No, no, nobody really wants to do this. Why do you want to do this? I like to think that there definitely are new people who would get into it who want to do it as part of like a respect. Oh, research as well, or like in terms of...

I think there's an empathic element to it. What about someone who just does forensic analysis on bodies that have been butchered or attacked? Well, that's a different job, isn't it? But we're talking about people who prepare bodies for them. The mortician has to make that body look good if they're doing an open casket, which is pretty fucked as well.

I mean, often they are family-driven, though. Often they are families because of this. Because it's like you need to live it to be able to probably deal with it and understand it. Be conditioned. Like there's any kind of gruesome job, like working in an abattoir or like... Or farming really is a good example. Or just being a vet who has to put down animals all the time. I guess it's quite good to get rid of the fear of death if you're in that industry. Yeah, I suppose so. You become numb to the idea of it. I suppose it's like...

Yeah. Get the grooves through paper. We've got to move it to the casket. There must be a documentary on the psyche behind someone who has to do this. I imagine going into it, they probably are quite affected by it, but they get over it over time. It's like there was a documentary about people who did the Facebook verification of photos that were reported.

And how many of them had PTSD from the shit they saw. But if someone's dealing with that stuff in real life as well, they must fucking go through that shit as well. Like PTSD-wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it affects people. We don't have to see dead bodies in the streets all the time or like, you know. Well, yeah, it's the police as well. The police deal with it constantly. The amount of dead bodies you see as a new policeman in your first two years of work, I mean, you're probably going to see one in your first two years of being a police person. I mean, policemen in general. Do you think the funeral industry is in danger?

Funeral industry is in danger. Because what if people just stop dying? Then they haven't got business. I think people run out of money to pay for funerals. Funerals are really fucking expensive. What if people stop dying? There's no product then. Do you have a preference between burnt or buried?

Burn me. You want to be burned? Burn me and spread my ashes somewhere and grow me a tree. Oh, burn. You want to be burned? Yeah, because I'm an organ donor and they're going to whip it all out anyway, so I'll be a mess. Oh, I kind of want to be buried though. Just in case. I think I've changed my mind. I think I want to do one of those fungal burial things. I would love to. Where a tree grows or something outside. Well, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Be part of that network. Exactly. I think that's pretty cool to be part of the network of life. Problem is, we have a serious problem with actual space for burying people and the fact that, you know, unless you own the land... What if we cube Ross first, though? What if I'm going to get fired out of a cannon? LAUGHTER

across the channel but whole not like in pieces like one big whole like wrapped up in a cling film and like a circus one like a little meat like a lamb joint yeah there he goes the gammon steak that used to be Ross or me into the ocean there he goes off the cliffs of Dover yeah yeah I want to be far off the cliffs of Dover and I want my ashes to be mixed with red white and blue like colouring and then I want as it to fire out

I want sovereignty written along the side of the cannon. I want to be fired across the channel towards France in one final... What about a smoke trail as well? That'd be nice. A little smoke trail. Explode in the air? No. If you pack my body with exploding chunks. Several people dying from ribcage. The P&O next door is just like, what the fuck? There's chunks on our boat. What's going on? Yeah, I think that is. The green burial thing is very much a common trend right now.

right now. I've heard about it from other things and I'm like, oh, that's good. Would you like to be buried upright or laying down? I want to be vertical. Vertical, yeah. I'll be looking up. I'm going to try and die in like a

Like Han Solo. Don't pose me. Don't pose me. Keep it like this. I want to die like I was about to be savaged by a bear. I want to be put into a time capsule so that when they think it's a time capsule, when it comes out, it's just me as a dead body. Oh my God. And then a load of newspapers from the year. Yeah.

And it's all the sun, days. What's a good spoof casket, do you think? Oh, no, no. What way could you, like, what thing could you bury yourself in to disappoint people, archaeologists in the future? Oh, I don't know. What if I was buried inside a dinosaur suit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like a giant leg of a, like a bone that they can't really, like, attach it to. We don't know what this is. But it's huge. It must be like a T-Rex or something even bigger. It's just like, it opens up and just my body flops out. Limply flops. What about,

What about a fake UFO? Yeah, yeah. Well, no, it's going to be juicy in there. Oh, okay. It's all slurry. Fake UFO? Yeah. Fake UFO, yes. So I'll be buried inside a disc. I want someone to repurpose my body and bones to reconfigure it to make it look alien. Oh, my God. Death body mods. Yeah. Just turn me into an alien-like creature after I'm dead. Do what you like with me.

I want to be a turducken use me as an alien prank yeah I want to confuse the shit out of the Mexican authorities there's a fleshy reality to it but also what the hell that's like an upside down skull that's been moved what's this extension here that's alien and someone just went to town with a bunch of skeleton bits and just replayed them reshapes my body that rib does fit there in the eye socket super glues it together incredible that'd be weird

I mean, they could freeze you the day you die. Yeah, yeah. And then, like, you could wait, like, 50 years. Yeah. And then on the floor... Well, you'd be waiting. You could wait forever. Like, say I was your partner. I froze you the day you died. And then in, like, 60 years' time, I could unfreeze you. And then I could be, like, Captain America and be like, you know, oh, it was beautiful as the day you died because I've had you frozen. Yeah, yeah. So, you know... It's the same thing. Crazy, right? Like, you wouldn't age. You'd be dead. Well, there are some people who... But you wouldn't age. Just, like...

have their partners just kind of rotting in the same room as them. Yeah, that's really weird. That's more just like a... What I'm suggesting is normal, but that's strange. Wait, what? I don't think it's strange. It's just like...

the elderly like they don't want to have to deal with their loved one being dead so they just kind of pretend they're still alive oh sorry I thought you meant when people have like their family preserved and like put in like a box oh like when they have like world leaders like well they used to I think you can all go see them it's like great yeah yeah yeah they look like wax like models but they're actually a real they were once real Peter's Peter like one of the Russian Tsars had like their mother in tomb embalmed and like kept

in a box like so they could see her every day and stuff really strange i feel like western culture in particular is very terrified of like lenin the death lenin had was uh i think everyone's preserved and displayed uh in a glass case dope maybe maybe we should as a three see how films forever who have films we can get like we can get um like we're only internet famous another great zoltan

We can get animated. We can start doing a famous hat film. Give out wishes, AI predictions. Yeah, just use AI voices. Eat shit. Current leaders on display include Lenin, Ho Chi Minh, Mao Zedong, I'm probably saying these wrong, Kim Toosung, and Kim Jong-il. Oh, Kim Jong-il. They're all just preserved and just ready to look at.

It's pretty cool, isn't it? Give up your fucking... Kind of weird. Give that carbon and the energy back. It's wasted. They should do it to Boris Johnson so we all have a go at spitting on him.

There'd be a bigger queue. Next to David Cameron. There'd be a bigger queue for that than seeing the Queen. It really would. David Beckham. What are you all cheering for? What's this for? Why are you crying, Beckham? It's been weeks. We were all lubing our mouths up, ready to spit on fucking Boris Johnson and fucking twats. Jeremy Corbyn, skip the line. Yeah, I skipped the line. Go ahead, mate. Go ahead. It's been some controversy. He's been lifted forwards. Go on, mate. Go on, Jeremy. Go on, Jeremy. Go on, Jeremy.

Get him! Look, his hair still looks kind of floppy. It's all matted against his forehead because of the amount of flops. Sticking gum on him. Yeah. I can't tell if it's a bad texture. Gum off of him, that's it. Move on. Move on. I thought he was all right. Shh. Pfft.

Someone's got a glass of piss. Anyway, yeah. No piss, no piss. Come on, we said gum or phlegm, you bastard. Right, you're arrested. The rules are clear. No orange glitter and no glasses of fucking piss. Takes us a while to clean the bodies, come on.

He'll melt his body too quickly if you all chuck piss on him, alright? Maggie Thatcher's on that queue. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Oh, shit. Okay, no way. Welcome to the Flobarium. Flobarium, yeah. We exhumed a lot of these bodies. Just so we'd all spit on them. It's a new wing of parliament. Yeah. The Flobarium will be open. And through that door, we've managed to get an exclusive one from America's Kardashians. Oh, no way. Jimmy Savile's

Jimmy Savileys if it's opening next year. Sorry, it's flooded right now. You can't go in. It's flooded with glasses of piss. Jesus Christ. Everyone keeps pissing in that area. Anyway. That is it for today on Hatchet. Would you believe? It's not a bad sketch idea. Sorry, those are called communist mummies. That's quite an interesting name for them. Communist mummies. Commie mummies. Commie mummies. Commie mummy. Commie mummy. Anyway.

Anyway, you were wrapping it up. I am, yeah. Thank you so much for listening to Hat Chat today. I hope you've had a great time with us. And I started off with farting and ended with... Spitting and throwing glasses. The flabarium. The flabarium. So, you know, our standards are pretty high nowadays for...

the chat if you'd like to support us and the only reason we keep doing this is from our lovely support of our members and patrons and twitch subscribers you can join those ranks if you'd like to at patreon.com slash hat films or youtube or twitch whichever and uh yeah

You can get extended versions of our videos if you watch our YouTube videos as well. This is all new to me. What's this you're talking about? Oh, what members on YouTube? Yeah. Also Twitch and Patreons get the same features. They all get the same features. If you go to our Discord and link your account to it, you get access to that secret members only channel where all the videos are posted. It's amazing. Yeah, it's a really good feature. You can meet new people on Discord. Yeah. Realize you don't like them either. Fuck, man. Cool.

Well, anyway, I'm going for a full frontal phlebotomy. Perfect. And we'll see you... Become a communist mummy. Yeah. Yeah.

well we've all let everyone know now how we would like to be preserved yeah I want to be a Zoltan they're taking that as final wishes episode 157 of that film we're looking back on this in hopefully a long time and they're going well it does seem to indicate that he wanted to be fired out of the channel whilst piano fairies are nearby so okay we're going to honour his wishes here he goes shit well thanks thanks for arranging that guys sorry if it's expensive and we'll see you next week

Goodbye for now. Goodbye. Bye.

Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Alok Kanodja, but the internet knows me as Dr. K. I spent seven years studying to become a monk and then became a psychiatrist. I want to tell you a little bit about my podcast, Healthy Gamer GG, where we combine my clinical experience of practicing psychiatry and sprinkle in years of experience as a meditation teacher and sort of focus on spirituality. So on the podcast, we're going to approach very common areas.

everyday problems from each of these lenses. And what we really do well is blend science and spirituality to create the most accessible solutions for people for their everyday problems. So check us out at Healthy Gamer GG on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple.