The Joys and the Burden of Caregiving
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Hi, I'm Megan, and I've got a new podcast I think you're going to love. It's called Confessions of a Female Founder, a show where I chat with female entrepreneurs and friends about the sleepless nights, the lessons learned, and the laser focus that got them to where they are today. And through it all, I'm building a business of my own and getting all sorts of practical advice along the way that I'm so excited to share with you.

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trying to distract myself from the responsibilities of being a caretaker. This is Yosimar Reyes. He's a first-generation poet and artist. He's also the primary caregiver for his 90-year-old grandmother. I know it took a lot for her to dial. Abuela swallows her eggs because she is mindful that I have my own life to live. Hey, I gotta go home, I tell my friends. At home, she is in bed. Sorry. Sorry.

She says, "She doesn't know it's an honor. It's my duty." Caregiving is an honor. For Yosimar, it's even a joy.

If you're a family caregiver, then you might relate to this poem. Trying to have a night off while having to be on call. As a caregiver, you're always in two places at once. Like when I'm here hosting a podcast talking about caregiving, I'm also wondering if my parents are waiting on me for lunch. And when I'm there with them, I'm tracking when my kids are coming home from school so I can be back in time.

Once you've taken on the care of someone else, you're never not thinking about them. I work like 10 minutes from my house, but on my lunch break, I'm driving back and like checking in on her. Did you eat? Did you do this? Did you do that? I eat really fast and then I go back and then I'm constantly calling her to make sure that she's good.

Josimar is literally between two places while caregiving, but mentally he's split between two realities too. And that's hard for anyone, but even more so for younger caregivers. Josimar moved home to care for his grandmother at 31 years old. So today we're talking about being stretched, stepping up, and finding fulfillment as a caregiver. This is Uncared For. I'm your host, Soojin Park.

I want to start at the beginning or as far back as we can. Tell us about where you were born, where you grew up, how you came to America, that whole sort of story.

Yeah, so I'm originally from the state of Guerrero, Mexico. I was born there and at the age of three years old, I migrated to the United States with my grandmother. My grandma was the one that like physically carried me into this country. And then we landed in Eastside San Jose, which is like 45 minutes from San Francisco, and

I was raised in this kind of little neighborhood surrounded by immigrants and just all these people. And yeah, that's kind of my genesis. Well, I grew up in Union City, so not too far. So I am an East Bay gal myself. So I know San Jose very well. Oh, awesome. So you were primarily raised by your grandmother. Yes.

Tell me about your grandmother and her parenting style and tell me about your grandmother's personality.

Besides the adversities that we lived in, like the socioeconomic settings that we lived in, I grew up with a strong sense of self. I grew up very confident. I grew up with somebody that didn't murder my spirit, didn't police. I'm queer too, so she never policed my sexuality or my gender expression. I grew up with someone that was very understanding. And so her parenting style was, I guess, like a soft parent, I guess. Like she was...

I think she only beat my ass once, but that's it. But other than that, it was very free and very loving. I just remember her making a lot of sacrifices and just working. And what did she do for work? Like, what was your day to day? What did it look like for you as a child with her?

You know what? It's interesting. She was an entrepreneur. And I know that it sounds weird to call my grandma an entrepreneur because her hustles were like under the table or they were like different. They were not like your ordinary things.

My grandmother recycled bottles and cans. So she discovered that there's a recycling center that they pay you money for recycling. And I think this is very common in immigrant communities. People collect soda cans, but mostly people use it as like an extra $20 that you might do. But my grandma built a whole enterprise. Like she connected with the restaurants in our area. And it's very interesting because I feel Mexicans have this reverence for old people. We love old people.

And because you just think of your grandma. So the waitresses at these Mexican restaurants met her and they had an affinity for her. So they were like, we'll save the recyclables from our restaurant and just give them to you. Just come every Tuesday. So she developed a network of all these restaurants. And so she would come with her shopping cart, sometimes eight shopping carts.

filled with recyclables. And then she just had a routine. She did that. She babysat kids. There was a bunch of random ass immigrant kids in my house all the time. Yosimar says his grandmother also sold phone cards to call Mexico, cooked and served dinner to migrant men, and even sold Mary Kay. She was the ultimate immigrant businesswoman. But what he pictures most is his grandmother recycling bottles and cans.

I have this very vivid memory. Me and my grandma would push these huge shopping carts filled with bottles and they would rattle all over the street when you hear the glass bottles rattling. And on top of that, my homegirl wanted like, oh, we're not going to make two trips. So she would tie in big plastic bags on top. So it's me, like eight years old, pulling from the front. And my grandma, who's really old...

So it's like a lot of weight that we're pushing this huge cart with bottles. And on top of that, my grandfather has another cart. So it's two old people and this little kid. And obviously it's recyclable. So people already have an assumption of like, oh, they're poor. This is what they have to do because they're poor.

And then I remember we always pass through this restaurant and this man comes out and he's like, oh my God, can I take a picture of you? And we're like, what picture of us? And I have to translate. Oh, Abuelita, dice el señor que quiere tomar una foto. And she's all like, why does he want to take a picture of us? And he's all like, oh, I want to take a picture because I want to send it to our politicians so they see what poverty looks like in our country.

And then she's like, yeah, dile que tome la foto. Yeah, tell him to take the picture. And so we pose and he takes the picture. And then the man takes $5 and wants to hand it to my grandma for the picture, right? Like, oh, I'm going to give you $5. And then my grandma looks at me and she's like, tell him that we don't need the $5. Tell him that it's okay for him to take the picture to showcase how poor people look like. But tell him to also remember to say that we're poor, but everything we have, we work for.

And so me translating that was a moment of like, I was like, wow, like that felt good to me. Chills. Yeah. I was like, damn, this lady's powerful. And since then I learned that, yes, I'm poor, but I'm not worthless. So I think that's my grandma's big thing of like,

Yes, you're poor, but never fear pobrecito or like never let people pity you. That's the worst thing. And so I feel like I've been in this quest all my life to never feel like people should feel sorry for me. Like I always carry that with me. I mean, oh my God. I don't, and I'm just even thinking like even at age,

if my mother or grandmother had said that to me to translate. I don't even know if I would understand that, but it would have sunk so deep that later on, right? As you develop your intelligence and your awareness, you're like, oh, that's there. That's the foundation from which I move forward in this life. Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering, do you see caregiving...

for your grandmother and taking care of her as part of your cultural identity? Everything to me was always a matter of fact. Things just happen. And so for a long time, it was just hot things were supposed to go. This lady took care of me. It's my duty to continue on that. And so as of recently, I've discovered the word caregiver. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know

the signifier of that. It was just like, hey, just me and my grandma, we're chilling. I do a lot of things for her. But now I'm learning that it's actually like an identity. There's a community, there's people that use this word, there's people that identify as this, there's people that have the same issues that I face. And I think in terms of a cultural identity, what I find very interesting is that in immigrant cultures that I come from,

It's a matter of fact. What do you mean you're not going to take care of your old person? Like, what do you mean? And it's always like this moral obligation, right? It's like, oh, I take care of my grandma everywhere. The restaurants, random people walk up to me. Hey, I want to thank you for what you're doing. And I'm like, why? You don't know this lady? And they're like, no, I want to thank you. And I want to let you know that God is going to bless you. I get a lot of blessings from random people. Everywhere I go, people stop us. Maybe it's the response.

that you get from watching a young person carrying this old lady out the car or helping her cut her food at a restaurant or making sure that her hair is done.

that I get a lot of that. And a lot of Spanish speakers, right? The metaphor that I find in a lot of these people that come thank me for taking care of my grandma, they say, if I still had my mother, I would be doing the same thing. And I think about a lot of them who come to this country who didn't have the privilege because of borders to go bury their mothers. And so by me seeing that and acknowledging that, somehow that makes them feel safe.

closer or better. And so, yeah, it's been an interesting journey because I feel like now culturally, I see a lot of that. She must be such a powerful symbol to see not only the

an elder person, but someone who is loved, someone who is so well taken care of. I mean, just even in the photos, you can see just her hair and the way she dresses. And I mean, I've never met her. And I know that like this woman is loved by her family. Yeah, I feel like for me, success is making sure that my undocumented 90 year old grandmother has time to rest and

And that when she transitions, she leaves knowing it was a beautiful journey. And I was so loved. I was so loved. Somebody loved me unconditionally. My grandma was never somebody that took care of herself. She was always working. She's never really done her nails. She's never really, she was a worker. She's an immigrant woman. She always had a braid on.

And so one of the biggest things is we started doing manicures and pedicures for her because she just likes sparkly nails. And then her outfits, her hair, going to the salon was a big thing, cutting her hair. So things like that. Those are the things that I think build her self-esteem and make her feel excited about her just stepping out into the world. And so, yeah.

Those are the things that I'm very mindful of that I think will help her to feel happy. And so that's been the mission that I've been on because, you know, as an undocumented immigrant, it's been so difficult. It's difficult for us every day. And so if I can create that bubble for her, I think I'm good. And so I think maybe that is the response. I want my grandma to know that her journey into this country was worth it.

Yes, the everyday things that preserve their dignity and give your loved ones a sense of value are just as important as keeping track of medications and appointments. My mom was super stylish growing up. She came to this country with a small suitcase filled with custom clothing that she wore in Korea. On Sundays, she used to dress so beautifully for church and

I want to hold on to some of that for her. Even though now she just wants to put on the same sweatsuit because it's easy, I still like to go through her closet and pull out, you know, simple, beautiful things that she could put on when she goes out. And when she sees the outfits I've picked, she laughs. I think because it feels good to have someone care about her like that.

After this short break, Yosimar talks about moving back home with his grandmother during COVID and what caregiving looks like on a day-to-day basis. ♪

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I'm Hasan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. Yosimar's journey to becoming his grandmother's caregiver meant leaving the life he'd built for himself in L.A., which was pretty great.

I was living my best life. I was like, oh my God, I have my own apartment. I have my own friends. I have my own schedule. Like I think those five years were like a taste of me building my own identity, me not worrying about anything. And I was touring. I was doing a bunch of talks all over the country. Like it was great. I was like, dude, this is what it's like to be a young professional. You know, when you're at your peak, you're like, yes, I'm killing it. I'm in my boss girl era. You know, like this is me.

But I was still paying my grandma's rent in San Jose. And at the time she was living in the same apartment we grew up in. So it was hard because here I am in my big apartment in LA. And then I would come at the end of the month and I had to sleep on the floor. So it was like this, the tale of two cities, you know, these two identities of like, and of course the guilt, the guilt of like, how is it possible that I'm living this and I'm letting my grandma live in this conditions?

When COVID hit, Yosimar knew he had to move back and take care of his grandmother. He was only 31 at the time, which feels so young. But it turns out that's not entirely uncommon. According to AARP, Latino caregivers are the youngest group caring for an adult in the U.S., and they account for about 17% of all family caregivers. As Yosimar stepped into this role, his priority was to move his grandmother to a better place.

Somebody was giving artist grants to COVID relief for artists, and they gave me a $10,000, a $10,000 artist grant. And I can assure you that money is what helped me get my whole family out of there. I was able to do a down payment, pay the first month. I invested that money and used it.

And we moved out of that. But the biggest challenge was not moving physically. It was not moving physically. We moved five minutes from where we used to live. It was moving my grandmother out of that apartment mentally. She was stuck there. That was her home. That's all she knew. She was scared. Every day, she didn't, I don't want to move. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave. It didn't matter there was roaches everywhere. It didn't matter that this apartment was like, she got stuck.

The reason we never elevated as a family is because we were stuck in our own mentality that this is all we deserved. And so now it's interesting because now we live way better. And now she has a little garden. She can go outside. Our neighborhood is safe to walk through. So she's adjusting now, but it's very difficult. Yeah. Yeah.

And today, how is your grandmother? How is her health? You know, what kinds of things is she able to do? What kinds of things is she not able to do anymore? My grandma has severe glaucoma. So she's partially, she's lost vision in our left eye. She probably sees about 30%. So she probably sees me blurry. She recognizes voices. But other than that, like,

She's agile. She wakes up every morning. She cooks three meals a day. She sweeps, she mobs. She's up here climbing things. I'm like, girl, don't do that. Like she has osteoporosis too. So her little bones are like, you know, they're really fragile. So I'm always scared that she's going to fall or break something. Cause I'm like, dude, if you break something, it's going to cost me more money. So don't do it. But sometimes she gets frustrated with herself because,

Because her mind is very agile. She's very alert. I tell people that I do not need a ring alarm camera because she sees everything. She'll see it. She notices everything. But what she's battling is that her mind wants to do all these things, but then her body is so slow. I notice these little things that she gets depressed. She wants to cook rice.

And she can't see the white grains. So sometimes she spills it everywhere in the kitchen, right? And that, it's not the rice. That thing is a reminder to her of like, something's happening in my body. And so she gets sad. Or we don't have glass cups in our house because she can't, when she's washing dishes.

She can't see the glass, so sometimes it breaks. And that will remind her of her condition. She'll say sentences like, I don't work for anything anymore. These little sentences that if you're not in tune, maybe because I'm a poet, I'm in tune to the significance of words like that. But if it was somebody that wasn't intuitive, they'll probably just dismiss it of her just saying that. No, no.

She actually internalizes that. She actually feels that she can't, she's not worth, she can't help me. And so those are the things that I'm more aware of now that more than anything, I think I remind people that caregiving is not her medications. Yeah, so I can put the alarm and give it to her. It's emotional because she gets really sad. Some days she's sad because she's lonely sometimes.

But I'm teaching her, okay, what do you feel? And she's like, oh, I feel like this. Are you depressed? And she's like, what's depressed? And I tell her. And then she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I think I'm depressed. You know, because we don't have language. So I think those are the beautiful things that she's learning of how to vocalize feelings. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, this is the caregiving work that's hardly ever talked about. I know for me, it's really complicated to not only be in charge of my parents' physical well-being, but their emotional one as well. Of course you want to give them that support, but it's hard to be that tuned in when there's a million other things on your to-do list.

What are some of the day-to-day things that you yourself take on as caregiver for your grandmother? You know, my day usually starts at six. And so at six, my grandma's very particular about her breakfast. Some days she likes one thing. One day she likes another. So I have to negotiate food all the time because she needs to eat more.

She doesn't like to eat breakfast super early because she has to take her medication. So my grandma's very particular. If the doctor told her to take the medication at nine, she needs to take it at nine. It can't be nine or two. It can't be nine or five. It cannot be nine, 10. The world has to stop because she has her little phone and it needs to be at this exact time. So we have to do that. Probably have her clothes set out for her, what she's going to wear. I feed the dog. And then I'm like, I'm going to work, go to work.

till 12 call her do you need anything do you want something to eat what do you need then come check in on her um and then I usually get out of work at 5 and I come home um make sure that she has everything if she's gonna shower we don't have a

those compliant showers. So I'm always scared. So she has a little stool that she uses and she just bathes with a bucket, like super immigrant style. Then put her other medication, make sure that she has a dinner that she likes. And then, yeah, that's kind of been like a roundabout, getting her ready for bed. But in between that, there

There's emotions. One day is bad. One day is good. One day she wants to go do exercise. I go walking my dog. So we'll do a mile. If I can get a mile out of her walking, awesome. Sometimes she won't go. So it's things like that. But now I discovered the Senior Center. Shout out to the Senior Centers out here. I am in love with the Senior Center. Those are my best friends. Now she's so eager. We go from 10 to 12.

And it's the best thing because I can drop her off before work and pick her up at lunch. And she's already tired by noon. So by the time I bring her home, she's exhausted. So she just goes to bed till two and then it's chilling. So I'm like, oh my God. That has been a, I don't know, it's been a lifesaver, I think. And she's so excited. She's like a little kid going to school. She's like, I want to go to this.

school. And it, you know, they just, it's just a bunch of seniors hanging out, talking and like playing, um, Loteria or like dancing or doing little mobile exercise. She's been enjoying that a lot. And it's, it just so happens that it's five minutes from my job. So it's just so easy. Um, so I'm very grateful for that, that place. Um, I wanted to, um, talk about,

Even just the nitty gritty details of like finances. How do you pay for your grandmother's health care? Has it been a challenge? Yeah. So initially, obviously, when we were like, when we're not having that much money, it was very difficult. So we didn't necessarily really go to the doctor. But obviously, my grandma's stuff is more chronic now. So obviously, she needs care.

routine checks all the time. We live in California. California has a little bit more resources for undocumented immigrants. So my grandmother has Medi-Cal and she has full scope benefits now, thankfully, to all that activism that folks have done to do like a help for all kind of plan. And so my grandma gets vision, dental, mental, and her primary doctors. And so we're trying to use all of that towards full benefits. ♪

Just some quick context here, because what you're hearing from Yosemar is not the norm. 50% of undocumented adults are uninsured, which is more than five times the uninsured rate of U.S. citizens. A small but growing number of states have taken steps to make health care coverage more affordable to immigrants, including those who are undocumented. But there are still a lot of gaps.

Yosimar is able to get his grandmother care in California, which is great. Figuring out how the system works, though, is still a challenge. The hardest thing is...

finding out, researching all this stuff. It's so much information I didn't know, you know, navigating so many numbers and agencies. There are resources out there, but it's just like digging and having the time to do that. I have my own life. I have my own dreams. I have things that I want to build. I have a career that sometimes I feel is stagnant because I have to do all this paperwork. And so sometimes that's the most difficult part of like, dude, like,

I want to go do something and I can't because I have this person that I have to fill out a form for. And it's a lot.

It is a lot. Filling out forms, navigating the system by yourself can be overwhelming and soul-draining. Medi-Cal and other Medicaid programs around the country may offer care coordinators or care management. They can help assess medical needs, schedule appointments, and connect you and your loved one to community resources or social workers.

Tapping into resources like this might ease some of the stress, especially for those of us like Yosemar who are doing this alone. I don't have any in-home support. I don't have anybody that comes to my house or helps me with her. So that's the one where I'm at right now that I'm investigating and figuring out if I can get someone that can help me because I feel guilty. I work like 10 minutes from my house, but on my lunch break, I'm driving back

and like checking in on her. Did you eat? Did you do this? Did you do that? I eat really fast and then I go back.

And then like, just give me four more hours. And then I'm constantly calling her to make sure that she's good. I'm scared that she might open the door or, you know, little things that happen. I got her a dog. So the dog alarms her if there's someone around and it helps that she's a scary little immigrant. So she doesn't open doors for anybody. But things like that, they just, it's just things. One thing I'm thinking of like is putting a little camera in my house so I can track what she's doing inside the house. But I don't want to be so paranoid like that.

It's interesting because I'm in two places at once all the time. And so I'm learning that I, you know, my brain is, has to function like that. Yeah. It's so funny because I'm looking at a camera that I bought on Amazon last week right there. And I was like, okay, it's time. I got to put a camera in if they fall, blah, blah, blah. And then I like open the box. I'm like, this isn't the right one. I got to return that. I mean, even that takes research and like so much time. Yeah.

You know what's funny? Like, I'm thinking about, remember? I don't know if, I mean, when I was younger and I would stay home from school, they would always have those life alarm commercials. Like, I'm falling. I can't get up. And I always thought, at that time, I would find it funny. I was like, oh, that's funny. Like, why would it? It was a joke. That was a joke. Now, I'm like, girl, I need to get me one of those for my grandma so she can, but my grandma's going to be pressing that button all the time because she likes attention.

I remember those commercials. I mean, it's funny. A medical alert button might seem far-fetched to some. But as a caregiver, you really do worry about every single moment you're away. When we come back, Yosimar talks about boundaries and the two of us trauma bond. We're trauma bonding. This is beautiful. Us trauma bonding.

Hello, I'm Joel Brevelle, medical myth buster and host of The Dose, a health policy podcast from the Commonwealth Fund. Each season, I sit down with a leading health policy expert and medical professionals to have real conversations about the issues that keep them up at night. We talk about breakthroughs in their research and their new ideas to make our health care system work better for all Americans. This idea of equity needs to be taken up by everyone.

And wherever you are in your work, whatever sector that you're in, we need to have conversations about what tomorrow looks like. I hope you'll check out The Dose and enjoy listening to our interviews. You can find us at thedose.show or by searching your podcast app for The Dose from the Commonwealth Fund.

An Australian hiker travels to the American West to walk a wilderness trail. Wasn't afraid to be out on his own. But Eric Robinson vanished in the Hiawinta Mountains. I remember thinking, "Eric, what were you thinking, mate?"

I'm Dave Colley. Join me on my podcast, Uinta Triangle, where I travel the world to answer the question, what happened to Eric Robinson? Follow Uinta Triangle, that's U-I-N-T-A Triangle, on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Looking back at your decision when you decided to take care of your grandmother and come home, knowing now all that you know about what it really means to take care of your grandmother.

To take care of a loved one, how consuming it is. What do you think about it sitting here now? I have moments that are joyful. There's moments that are like, oh, this is fun. There's moments where I'm very frustrated. There's moments where I'm like, girl, I need a break. Don't talk to me for a whole day. Like, I need to go away. Sometimes, you know, I cry in my car because I'm just like...

oh, why is this my life? I don't want this to be my life, you know? But ultimately, I think, you know, I started reading all these self-help books. I'm that girl. I'm that girl with self-help books. I'm the girl that's like boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. But ultimately, I think I look at her. She does things that, she does little small gestures because she always wants to help. My grandma just wants to help. I appreciate that. And I know that she means it.

And even now, you know, we're talking about her. She wants to go back to Mexico. And I told her, why do you want to go back to Mexico? Do you don't like it here? You don't like how I take care of you? And she's like, I want to go back to Mexico because I know that I am interrupting your life. And if I leave...

You'll be happy. You won't have to deal with me. And see, I'm tearing up. I'm tearing up because knowing that she wants to be with me, in her making that sacrifice, she's making note that she wants to just help me. And so those are the things that make me feel like, no, you don't have to go, girl. Just go somewhere else for two days. It will be...

It's a lot. It is so much. And for me, with my parents, I'm sort of more like... Like my brother gets to be... Because he lives farther away. He comes in and he's like, fun guy. You know, he's going to cook. He's going to put on music. And I'm just looking at him like...

I have to come here and clean toilets. You know what I mean? Every three days. Like, because I can't hire even someone to do that because they won't let a stranger in the house. Like, you know what I mean? Like, so it's interesting. Like you go through all the things, you just get through the checklist and then there's like no room left for feeling the sacred, the joy, you know, like that's where I get stuck.

where it just feels like such a grind. And then I wake up at three in the morning with like...

That's my busiest time. I go to work. We're trauma bonding. This is beautiful, us trauma bonding, because that's exactly... I feel like the bad parent, the disciplinary, because I also hold her accountable. People view my grandma and they might give her leeway because she's old or like, oh, don't talk to her like that or don't... No, she needs boundaries. Hey,

I haven't eaten breakfast. Let's not, don't bring problems to me right now. Like, let me eat. I started doing that. Yeah, what's the hardest thing about setting boundaries? Yeah, one of the biggest things with my grandma within boundaries that I'm trying to set for her is making her realize that I also have things that I have to do. I can't be...

Everything can be a crisis, crisis, crisis. Because I tell her all the time, I'm not going to start believing you when there's really an emergency because you're always having emergencies. So I need to make sure that you only ring the alarm when it's really, really bad. And also, again, her respecting my time, making sure that she's not calling me all the time. Hey, I'm in a meeting. Hey, I'm going to dinner from 8 to 10 p.m.

I might go out to the club after. Do not call me. Call somebody else. I'm not on duty. I'm off. So those are the biggest things. She breaks them all the time. But I have to remind her, hey, I need my own time. So yeah. Yeah. And that's really interesting. I love that. Because we don't have to be everything all the time. Yeah. You know, when they need it. I mean, that is really hard. That is so hard. Because saying no to someone you love that...

feels like they need you. You feel like such a terrible person. No, I felt like I grew up like that. I felt everything was urgent. Everything's urgent. Urgency, urgency. Everything's a sense of urgency. And now, okay, it's urgent at a five, but now it's a three. So this three can be handled by somebody else. So you need to learn how to delegate. So I'm not, you're not blowing up my... She has a phone. She loves to tell that little phone. And so I'm like...

Delegate, delegate. So she's learning how to delegate, but it's very difficult. But also I've learned that I need to make a list with actual tasks that other people can do. I think that's the difficult thing about caregiving is that

We don't know how to ask for help because we assume that people have common sense to know that if you have a 90-year-old grandmother that you have not visited in two weeks or called, then maybe you should. I'm always writing people, call your grandma, call your grandma, because that girl needs somebody to talk to other than the birds you bought her, you know? And me. And me. Can you call your grandmother for me? Yes.

You wrote on an Instagram post, part of the journey of being a caregiver means that you are also starting the process of grieving. What do you mean by that?

And I just, sometimes my grandma gets sad and I get sad. I start seeing her and then I realize, dude, what am I going to do? She's part of my life. Like she's in the fabric of everything that I do. It's so integral. One time I spoke at a conference and after the conference, I got an anxiety attack.

I was panicking, palpitations, like, and I didn't bring my anxiety meds, right? I was like, oh, I'm so dumb. And I'm like freaking out. I'm freaking out. And I'm crying because I'm having this thing. I'm alone in this big hotel room. Like I, it just, it just freaking out. And at that instant, you know, I called my grandma.

oh, I'm having this thing. And then my grandma's like, okay, don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. I got you. My grandma's solution for everything. She has this giant print Bible with big letters because she can't see. So she opens this big Bible with her little broken magnifying glass and she starts reading a verse or starts channeling whatever thing. And she's like, I got you. I got you. I'm going to pray for you. And it's going to go away. You just watch.

And just me, I know that's not going to solve it. My medication is going to make it go away. Um, but just me needing to hear that, that at least I have someone like that's caring for me or praying for me. I think those are the things that, um,

That helped me. And so that's the grieving part, that eventually I'm not going to have someone on the phone bugging me all the time. And I'm not going to have someone that I can just pray for me. And so, yeah, that's the scary part. And so I'm grappling with that. I'm trying to make, you know, make peace with that. Have you talked about...

you know, what the end of your grandmother's life will be like with her and how her being undocumented affects that, affects you, affects this push and pull that's going on. Yeah.

It's very difficult. I say that when I'm fighting to stay in this country, I'm not necessarily fighting to stay in San Jose. I'm not necessarily fighting to stay here. It's cute. San Jose is cute, but this is not my life, you know? I'm fighting to stay here.

surrounded by the people that I love and that love me unconditionally. I'm fighting to stay in the community that uplifted me and supported me and gave breath to me when I couldn't breathe. And so in that instant, I think my grandmother is my country. My grandmother is the place that I want to be in. And so in that same place, my grandma, she wants to go back.

Back to Mexico, that is. Yosimar says his grandmother has been torn about whether to make this move before she dies. Because she's undocumented, she can't move between her home country and the U.S. freely. Yosimar has experience with this issue. Seven years ago, his grandfather self-deported back to Mexico before he died. We buried him over the phone.

because we couldn't be there. And so someone called us on FaceTime and we began to watch the procession from FaceTime. That was so hard. And that was traumatizing because I was like, dude, I don't want to bury my grandmother like that. Like, I feel guilty that I couldn't bury my grandfather like I wasn't there. And in his last breath, he was calling out for us. We weren't there. Yeah, he returned to Mexico to his sons, but he hadn't seen them in 26 years. We were his family. And so I don't want that to happen to my grandmother.

And I told her, like, if you make the choice to return back, I want to be the one that brings you back. I want to be the one that's on the plane with you. And we're going to sort through this. We're going to figure it out. Right now, she says she doesn't want to go back. But when she gets mad, when she gets mad, she's like, buy me my ticket. Buy me my ticket tomorrow because I'm going back. You know, like, again, guilt tripping. I was like, girl, let's go. We'll buy it right now. What you want, Southwest? What you want to fly here? Because we can buy it, you know? Right?

But at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. And so I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. It's so up in the air. Who knows? But for now, I'm like, girl, let's just chill out. Let's just find peace. No more drama in our lives. Let's just live cute little immigrant lives. That's it. I love talking to Yosemar. It's such a good feeling to laugh with someone who understands exactly what you're going through.

But Josimar also has his moments of crying in his car and missing his independence. As caregivers, we're often straddling the line between two worlds, two identities, maybe even two countries. And it's hard.

But ultimately, Yosemar reminded me that caregiving is a privilege. For a lot of reasons, it's not something everyone is able to do. So if you're a caregiver, take your loved one to get their hair done or pick out a nice outfit for them. Make them feel beautiful. Celebrate them.

There's more Uncared For with Lemonada Premium. Subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like unaired interview clips from caregivers across the country. Subscribe now in Apple Podcasts. Uncared For is a production of Lemonada Media. I'm your host, Sujan Pak. Muna Danish is our supervising producer. Lisa Fu and Hannah Boomerschein are our producers.

Our mix is by Ivan Kurayev. Our music is by Andrea, Kristen's daughter and Hansdale Sue. Our associate producer is Isaura Aceves. Jackie Danziger is our VP of narrative content. Executive producers are Jessica Cordova-Kramer and Stephanie Whittleswax. This season of Uncared For is presented by the Commonwealth Fund, a nonprofit foundation making grants to promote an equitable, high-performing healthcare system.

Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. You can follow me on Instagram at Soojin Park and Lemonada at Lemonada Media across all social platforms. Follow Uncared For wherever you get your podcasts and listen ad-free on Amazon Music with your Prime membership. Thanks so much for listening. See you next week.

This show is presented by the Commonwealth Fund, a nonprofit foundation whose mission is to promote a high-performing, equitable healthcare system.

The Commonwealth Fund supports research to improve health care policy and practice and has a long history of exploring what the U.S. can learn from the best health care around the world to do better here at home, especially for people of color, people with low income, and those who are uninsured. To learn more, visit CommonwealthFund.org.

Parents, we know the childcare crisis is not just another headline. It's a daily struggle playing out in millions of homes across this country.

I'm Gloria Rivera, and this is No One is Coming to Save Us. This season, we're demanding a childcare system that actually works for kids, parents, and educators. We mean free birth to five, full day, nearby, easy to apply. No One is Coming to Save Us, season five from Lemonada Media, out now.