$2 Ranch vs. $50 Ranch
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Big Time Rush, performing live in concert, playing every song from every episode and more. Big Time Rush, with special guests Caitlin Tarver and Stephen Kramer Glickman. Get tickets now at LiveNation.com. I think Wingstop has the best ranch. No way, man. I'm a tried and true Hidden Valley guy. Josh, where's this Hidden Valley you always speak of? You don't know? No. Nicole, I'm going to show you. To the Magic School Bus!

This is a hot dog is a sandwich. Ketchup is a smoothie. Yeah, I put ice in my cereal, so what? That makes no sense. A hot dog is a sandwich. A hot dog is a sandwich. What?

Welcome to our podcast, A Hot Dog is a Sandwich, the show we break down the world's biggest food debates. I'm your host Josh Ayer. And I'm your host Nicole Inayati. And today we are actually holding an impromptu hearing for Mrs. Frizzle to see if she should or should not have her teaching license revoked. She put those children in several dangerous situations. She was a wild freak. She was a wild freak that shouldn't be around children. Do you think that that show was just Miss Frizzle on like some sort of peyote trip?

You know, she was imagining all these things. No, I think she was a magical, like, being. She was a witch. She was a witch that shouldn't be around children. Yeah, I don't know. Like, it's fine as a college course, but I don't think you should be, like, shrinking down children and taking them through the systems of the body. Yeah, I'm all for, like, educational freedom of choice or whatever, but I don't think that you should be allowed to choose for your children to go through a man's colon. Yeah.

That happened, right? The little school bus went through a man's entire digestive system. I don't know if it was a man or a woman, but they sure went through someone's body. Anyone's digestive system. Anyways, today... Speaking of digestive systems, we're going to be taste testing a bunch of ranches, which I'm very excited about. Great segue. We got cheap ranch. We got mid-tier ranch. We got the best ranch, which if you know, you know. And then we got really, really expensive ranch. I spent $50 on ranch. I'm sorry. That's ridiculous. I'm so sorry. That's almost as much as a carton of eggs.

Oh, yeah. Why? Can you tell me why eggs are so expensive? You know what I noticed, though? What's up? So I've talked about this before. The one thing I will spend money on are eggs, and I love buying Happy Egg. I think Happy Egg makes by far the best eggs now. I went to the store the other day. Happy Eggs were $7.99 for a dozen, which is about what I pay for eggs. Okay.

But then the normal store brand eggs were also $7.99. Somehow, Happy Eggs prices at my local store did not increase. So I'm unaffected by the egg crisis. I'd already had such a high egg budget. It's a mess. It's horrible. It's a mess. I've started getting six carton eggs, like eggs with only six in them. Oh, no. But I love eating eggs. I eat eggs all the time. But now there's nothing left in the store, so I have to get the carton with the six in them. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Yeah, no. Egg prices are... Okay, that's fine. Bird flu, bad. Let's segue back to what we're here to do. The commerce of eggs is really interesting. Go ahead, Nicole. I want to talk about... It has to do a lot with interstate commerce, actually. There's a lot of lawsuits. Go ahead. Josh, before we get into tasting ranch, I have a question for you. I have a brain buster for you, actually. Go ahead.

We're going to play a little game where you have to guess what are the top 10 salad dressings in the United States of America. And where did I get this information from? Google. Nice. So I want you to 1 through 10 it, if you can, or 10 through 1 it. Up to you. What are the top 10 salad dressings in America? Number one, ranch. Correct. I believe blue cheese is on the list, but I don't believe it's number two. Okay. I'm going to tell you blue cheese is number six. Very good. Balsamic vinaigrette.

Did you see my list before this? No, I'm just very smart. You're so annoying. Italian. Yeah, very good. Italian is number three. So I have four. Let's go honey mustard, I believe. It's still probably sold in a top ten dressing. Josh, number seven. You're on fire. A thousand island, I believe, would also crack top ten.

Thousand Island is top five. Number five. Number five is Thousand Island. Yes, sir. So how many? I've gotten six out of ten. Ranch number one. Italian number three. Oh, Caesar. Garsh. Caesar is number two. So right now, you're doing great. Ranch is number one. Caesar number two. Italian number three. Balsamic vinaigrette number four. Thousand Island number five. Blue cheese number six. Honey mustard number seven. You got eight, nine, and ten. I literally, oh my god. I've gotten all of them in order. Eight, nine, ten. Oh.

boy, boy, boy, boy. I'm, oh, there's no way. What do you think? Go deep into the recesses of your mind. I know, I'm gonna guess French dressing. Oh my gosh, French eats? You're so good at this. Get the heck out of here. Where else do we go from here? Where else do we go from here? I don't think this is on the list. Who's buying this product?

I'll say Catalina. Oh, no, not Catalina. Catalina is not on the list. Do you want me to give you... Is Russian? No, not Russian. What bottled salad dressings exist? Am I missing? None of them are obvious at this point. I'm going to give you one. One of them has been another salad dressing that you've mentioned, but it's the light version.

Oh, are we talking about like fat-free ranch or like light ranch? Light ranch is number 10. All you need is the ninth place. Go deep into the recesses of your mind. Can you give me a hint? Like is it associated with a country? No. It's associated with... Is it raspberry vinaigrette? No, it's not. It is associated with a plant. A plant? A flower, if you will. Broccoli cream. A flower? A flower?

What flowers do go in salad dressings? Chrysanthemum. It's a naughty flower in some countries. Pot? Marijuana? Marijuana salad. What do you mean a naughty flower? Poppy seed dressing? Yes! Get the heck out of here. Poppy seed dressing cracked the top ten? Wong, that's not even like...

A dressing. That's just a seed. You know what I mean? That's poppy seed dressing. I know, but raspberries blend up into a juice. What do you mean poppy seed? Josh, you win. That's interesting. I'll still take it. I'm pretty proud of that performance if I'm being honest. Josh, you win. I win. I win. Is ranch your number one? Is ranch your favorite salad dressing of all time? Listen, at the Bob's Big Boy when they asked me what dressing I wanted on my salad, I said ranch. You always say ranch.

I do love ranch. Sometimes I do like mixing it up with a Thousand Island. If we're talking about like that iceberg lettuce side salad. Right, right, right. I make my own dressings at home because I love to cook. And I make my own ranch at home very, very often. I have never made ranch at home. What the heck? I make Caesar salad dressing. If I'm going to make a creamy, dreamy dressing, it's always Caesar. I would argue that bottled Caesar dressing is...

like better than bottled ranch. It almost tastes more like my like homemade ranch. Really? I'm probably putting a little bit of mustard in there, maybe a little Worcestershire, so maybe I'm doing a hybrid, but it all starts with mayonnaise. As long as I've known you, you've always said that if I want to make Caesar dressing at home, I'm just going to take my ranch, put in some fish sauce, Worcestershire sauce, and a little bit of garlic. Not ranch. I start with mayonnaise. You start with mayonnaise. I always thought you started with mayonnaise.

No, no, no, no. But I think if you have ranch and you drop a little bit of fish sauce and Dijon and lemon in there, that's going to make it taste better and basically kind of turn it a little bit into a Caesar. The idea of what a Caesar dressing is or isn't.

It's technically not even like an emulsification, right? It's not the OG one. The OG one, yeah. It's whisked in a bowl, table side with egg yolks and whatever. Right, right, right. This ain't about no Caesar. It's about ranch. We should all just totally stab Caesar. Sorry. We're going to try all these ranches, but you asked where Hidden Valley is. Hidden Valley was actually a dude ranch started by, I believe his name was Steve Henson. Yeah, Steve Henson in Santa Barbara. He was a plumber in Nebraska. Goes up and works in Alaska and makes his own salad dressing for his coworkers. And they go, wow, that's incredible.

And then he moves down to California at a dude ranch called Hidden Valley, and he started a ranch mail order salad dressing business. Brilliant. At that time, you could do that kind of stuff and make millions of dollars. Yeah, I mean, this was genuinely a really interesting business story. It's like people using TikTok to sell pink sauce now, but this was the OG of that by mail. Right. And also the Hidden Valley seasoning packets are super common. He used to just sell the seasoning back in the day to add your own stuff. So smart.

So Hidden Valley, real place, and they have been an incredible company. And I would have said in years past that Hidden Valley was my favorite, but today we're putting it to the test. I've always been a Hidden Valley girl, but also I love Wingstop Ranch so much. I think they do make it in-house, which kind of teeters. Which makes it obviously go over the edge. So Wingstop makes it in-house, but they use Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning powder. So it's kind of like the both guys. Just delicious. So we're going to start from cheapest to most expensive. I think we should have like a barometer of...

of points we're looking for. I think we're looking for double dunkability, I think is number one. Something you want to go into and eat again, I think is the number one thing. Creaminess. I agree with that. And what do you think the third one should be? I have a question. Do you think that...

So bottled salad dressings, they always kind of end up a little bit too sweet because they're using corn syrup both as a preservative and to— They're globby. Yeah, they're a little globby. How much in your scale is like its likeness to a homemade ranch? Like how much of this it tasting homemade is important to you? Because that's like a little bit important to me. Zero, zero. Because I know whenever I'm going to a restaurant, most of the time I'm getting Cisco Ranch, which I believe is the best ranch of all time. I'd say it's the goat's— But I'd say Cisco tastes homemade. It does.

Does it taste homemade to you? It's so gloopy. There's something where I don't like the sweetness of ranch. Let me tell you the thing about Cisco Ranch. We don't have Cisco Ranch out here because we couldn't confirm the word deny. Yeah, I could only get a five-gallon drum. I'm sorry. I ain't got it like that right now.

But something about Cisco Ranch, if you ever take a picture of it, it comes out so white in the picture. It's almost unnatural. It's unnaturally white. It scares me. But I do think it's the best ranch of all time. I don't know if people know this. There are several sauces that only exist at restaurants because they're only made by wholesalers. Right. And they have exclusive rights of distributors. So there's one specific barbecue sauce. Right.

That is served at a bunch of different restaurants across America, and it tastes completely as unique as any bottle of barbecue sauce can, but you will never be able to buy it on stores. It's simply restaurant barbecue sauce taste. That's so evil. It's kind of funny. It makes it unique. That's right. And we are using the tried and true carrot stick. Why are you trying to trick me into eating healthy? This sucks. What do you mean? How many chicken wings can you eat in a day? You want to find out?

I ate 50 at Wingstop in one sitting. You did? See me, bro. You're a monster. See me, bro. 50 Wingstop wings to the bone. Are you ready to optimize your nutrition this year? And no, we're not talking about putting butter in your coffee or cold plunges or infrared therapy, whatever. To me, the best way to optimize your nutrition, Nicole, it's eating whole foods. Amen. And sometimes you don't have the time or the wherewithal to cook all those whole foods. I know it can be a big burden. There's a lot of limiting factors.

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Yeah, Factor can help you feel your best all day long with wholesome smoothies, breakfast, grab-and-go snacks, and more add-ons. Reach your goals this year with ingredients you can trust and convenience that you can't beat. Yeah, like I said, it's a lot of great whole foods, right? It's how I would cook at home, which is really cool, but sometimes I don't have the time to actually do that. I've been eating the grilled pork chop and smoked cheddar cauliflower grits with barbecue butter, roasted zucchini, and poblano's.

Not only is that something that I would cook at home, I'm going to start actually cooking it at home. Why do that when you can get it from Factor? It's got 45 grams of protein in it, which is perfect for me. That's like the exact protein range that I try and shoot for in each meal. It's just been really fantastic. I really cannot recommend Factor enough. That sounds freaking delicious. Eat smart with Factor. Get started at factormeals.com slash factorpodcasts and use code FactorPodcasts to get 50% off your first box plus free

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which is really nice. So now I have like my own little scheduled learning time. I'm really amazed at how quickly I've picked up useful phrases. Es muy facil, Nicole, whether I have five minutes or an hour. It's cool because I can learn on my own time at my own pace. That's so wonderful. I'm glad that you kind of like quelled the scary Sundays, you know, that we all have by learning a new language. Gracias. Rosetta Stone is a trusted language expert with 30 years of experience

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That's unlimited access to 25 language courses for life. Visit rosettastone.com slash hotdog to get started and claim your 50% off today. Don't miss out. Go to rosettastone.com slash hotdog and start learning today. I think I forgot to use our own discount code. Josh. You're paying full price like a schmuck. Schmuck. Well, use the discount code. Be smarter than me.

So we're going to start with Kraft Light Ranch. I got this for $1.99. Listen, in order... Oh, you sucked the carrot. What did you expect? Eat it. Crunch it. This is what I'm talking about when I say like a kind of sweet ranch. This reminds me of the ranch that you would get in the packets at school lunch. I don't know if you had ranch packets. We had ranch packets and you are so correct. It is insane. How do you feel about the double-dip ability of it? I don't think I would go in for more than like a few bites.

Honestly. No, but it is getting the job done. It's creamy. It's good. If you're to actually break down what ranch dressing is, like homemade versions will call for a whole lot of mayonnaise, a little bit of sour cream, buttermilk if you're doing buttermilk ranch. Buttermilk ranch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Garlic, onion powder, seasonings, herbs. Some dill if you want to, some herbs. But it's like herbs, non-offensive spices, and a bunch of...

Different kind of dairy products than mayonnaise. It is a dairy-forward taste, though, I will say. But I don't know if any of these have – how many of these actually have dairy in them? That's a great question. Because I think a lot of this is just kind of mayonnaise, oil, emulsification-based. What I'm looking here, whenever I look at the craft bottle, it says it contains egg and milk. Yeah, so there's buttermilk in at least like this ranch down the line, but –

That's something that I want is that creaminess. This has like a – even the color on it, right? It's like it's syrupy. Yes. It has this globular manner that I'm not necessarily opposed to. But I will say it's not my favorite texture to dip something into. But I'd still rather dip it than eat a plain carrot. Sure. I love carrots, but you know what I mean. I think you're 100% right. Yeah. There's no ranch that's bad ranch at the end of the day, but I'd put that at like a 3 out of 10. What's that one thing that they say?

Pizza is like sex, even when it's bad, it's pretty good. Yeah, that's like the same with ranch. That's from a person who's never had bad pizza or bad sex. I have had both in the same day, in the same room. What?

We'll save that for society. That's probably true. So we're going to try now. This is what Josh requested. He requested Ken's Steakhouse Ranch. I've never had this before, but I will say the bottle threw me through a loop because it looks just like the Hidden Valley colors. The colors are almost identical to the Hidden Valley Ranch bottle. Yeah, they really copied it. Yeah, they copied it. Ken's Steakhouse is one of those brands that I trust. You know what I mean? Because they copy? Ooh, yeah.

Tangy. Tangy. Oh, it's so tangy. A tangy zing is something I want. Oh, yeah. A tangy zing is what I'm looking for on ranch. This is tangy. This is zingy. I love Ken's Steakhouse. It is not gloopy like the Kraft. No. But it is whiter, which I like. I like my ranch very white. Can you give me the Kraft and the Ken's? The sauces? No, give me the bottles. Bottles, sure. Thank you. You're welcome. See how polite we become if we try? Thank you. Thank you.

Because Light Ranch, this probably means like low fat. No, this is low everything. What's going on here? Is it like an abomination of fat? Half the calories. Half the calories of Ken's. No way. Those are great. I don't think. Do we have Bolthouse Farms? We do not have that. We have Lighthouse. Bolthouse. I think it's Bolthouse. They make like Greek yogurt dressings that are like nice and low calorie. Yeah, if you want a good little healthy alternative, don't do Light Ranch with corn syrup. Do Bolthouse Farms Greek yogurt dressing. Okay.

Yeah, they have a lot less fat in this. What are they using? Just modified food starch and corn syrup. Wow, that Ken's one is so good. I'm going back. Yeah, interesting. So that explains why this one would be gloopy because there's just more corn syrup and less fat. Corn syrup. Corn syrup. But Ken's, I think that's pretty damn good. Wow, the Ken's is so good. Right?

What is Ken's Steakhouse? Is Ken's a real steakhouse? I have no idea. I don't look it up. I've never thought about this before. I've never thought about it either. I've always known it as the salad dressing that my parents used to get. That and Wishbone.

Wishbone we don't have here, but wishbone was even cheaper than like Hidden Valley and Kraft when I grew up. Oh my gosh. Like that was my grandma's salad dressing. The one who would freeze milk, whole gallons of milk, put them in the freezer. Shahla would get fat-free Italian wishbone dressing, and we actually had the salad spritzers. Do you remember salad spritzers, Josh? Oh my God, salad spritzers. I used to keep one in my locker. Yeah, my mom used to have the salad spritzers because, of course, Calabash.

Calories are bad. So, of course, there was hidden calories in salad dressing. Those were good times. There was a real Ken's Steakhouse. Who would have thunk it? Where was it, Josh? Either Framingham or Framingham, Massachusetts. Yeah, it was started by Ken and Florence Hanna in 1941. They're now the third largest salad dressing manufacturer in America. That's incredible. What an American success story. I'm going to dig into the Hidden Value Ranch.

Please help yourself. Yeah, only Kraft Foods and Wishbone. Hidden Valley at some point was owned by Xerox. Really? This is Hidden Valley? Mm-hmm. It's not as tangy, as delightful as Ken's. I'm so sorry. It is neutral. Can I have Ken's back? Of course. I want to taste these side by side. The neutrality of the Hidden Valley is crazy. Are you seeing any difference between Hidden Valley and Ken's on site? I will say that Ken's is whiter.

The Hidden Valley looks like it has a little bit of browning agent in it. Do you see the brown? I do. It's almost like a bone color. Give me these. I want to look at the ingredients label and see because I believe Ken's does manufacture white label for other brands. Does it? Well, that makes sense, but I don't think these are the same product at all. Ingredients, soybean oil, water, sugar. No, these are very distinctly different products.

Chemical makeups. What is in... You can tell that. That's so funny. What is in... These taste a lot more similar than I would have thought. The tanginess of the Ken's is... Ken's is on the right. Hidden Valley is on the left. Okay. Getting flavor memory. Did you double dip? I've been double dipping in all of them. I hate you. Dude, Hidden Valley might taste better. There's more MSG in Hidden Valley. I'm using my finger. Try to use your finger. We're just getting gross now. I don't think these are as far apart as you think.

I think these are almost identical. What? No. What are you talking about? Let me see. Hidden Valley might edge out Ken's, which I did not expect to happen. I think there's more spice in Hidden Valley. There is more spice in Hidden Valley, and I think the acid that they use might be different. Whatever they're doing in the Ken's, the tang with the buttermilk or whatever butterfat or whatever dairy they're using. I think it's straight buttermilk.

The buttermilk tang that I'm getting from Ken's versus the acid and the vinegar tang I'm getting from the Hidden Valley are two very different experiences for me. You're getting more dairy tang than Ken's. Which I like more in a ranch dressing. These to me are damn near tied. I'd put both of them at eight right now. Really? Yeah. I'm going to put, what did I, I'm going to give Kraft a two. I'm going to give Ken's an eight. They tried. I'm going to give Ken's an eight. I'm going to give Hidden Valley Ranch a seven.

I got these both at eight right now. That's okay. I was a little bit surprised. I thought for a while I'd just been holding Hidden Valley up as like this idol from my childhood and like a brand that you know and love. But it was really, really good. It was good. Standing up next to Ken's. But with me, I think what I'm looking for is that dairy acidity more so than a vinegary acidity. Now, this is what – sorry. I had the rant burps. Now, this is what I have in my fridge right now. Lighthouse. Lighthouse.

It is so good. I'm a big fan. Is Lighthouse meant to be, like, light? As in, like, lower in calories? Or just, no, it's just a... I think it's just called, it's no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives. How the hell do you make a salad dressing without preservatives? That's crazy. I don't know. What are the ingredients here? Yeah, everything's going to start with, like, vegetable oil. There is more buttermilk in this. Mmm.

So there should, in theory, be less sugar, but it doesn't taste less sugary. It has a lot. It's a lot thinner than the other ones. Yeah. Probably because of the lack of preservatives. Lighthouse Ranch, this tastes homemade. It tastes really good. It tastes really good. Can I have the Hidden Valley back? Yes. Give me the Hidden Valley because the Hidden Valley is the North Star from which it's the Mecca that we pray to. You are correct. You know what I mean? We need to taste the next bit.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. The lighthouse is, it's tangier. I don't love how thin it is though. It's very thin. It's thin. Let me tell you, whenever I pop it open and I pour it on my food, it just automatically comes pouring out, which I don't like. I like there to be a little bit of give. I might have this tied. These are all H. These are all... Lighthouse is good. They're not particularly different from each other. The lighthouse is tangier. It's less sugary. I think I'd like... It is less sugary. I think you're sacrificing a little bit of salt. Honestly, salt content here.

230 milligrams in Lighthouse. I'm going to spill ranch all over you. Yeah, 260 milligrams of sodium per two tablespoons. So that is about, what, 12% saltier? The Hidden Valley is saltier? And I think, dude, I think this is just dilute.

I think Lighthouse is just diluted ranch. Maybe. Because you can see there's also about like 12% fewer calories. What I'm sensing is it's a lighter dressing. It's also thinner. And whatever herbs they're using, I don't know. The herbs come through. The herbs come through. The herbs come through a lot more. The herbs are the star of the show for the Lighthouse dressing. I'll say that the overall texture is Hidden Valley's best bet. Do you remember which is which?

Yeah, Lighthouse is on the left. Okay, great. I'm going to put these back. That's fascinating. I didn't expect Lighthouse to be that good. It's pretty fire. But this is what I would consider the king of the ranches. Not a store-bought bottled ranch. No. But as far as the happiest memories I have of ranching it up, Nicole, in my life, are at this restaurant. Bring it on. Wing stop, baby. Wing effing stop. Do you remember thigh stop? Yeah, I do. Does anybody remember this? It felt like a fever dream. Was that with Rick Ross? Was it Rick Ross? Yeah.

It might have been. Shaquille O'Neal. Someone wing stopped, like smack in the middle of the pandemic. They started frying chicken thighs and saucing them. They called it thigh stop. And it was the quality varied wildly. I remember getting thighs that were three times as big as other thighs in it. And it was just like they naked fried the thighs, which, you know, it was really fascinating time in human history.

That ranch. I know it's not fair to put it up against these other ranches. Bro. I will bring this ranch to a party. We'll be like, oh, what are you bringing to the potluck? Wingstop Ranch. Come on, Wingstop Ranch. I have a carcass of half-eaten carrot sticks. Literally. I guess we had enough carrot sticks where I didn't need to double dip, but I've been doing it. Wow, that's a 10.

Wing Stop Ranch is officially the new North Star of all ranchers. And I feel bad that we've taken this long to say that out loud. I want to drink it. This is the best ranch. Can I sip it? Yeah, you can sip it. Tell me all the flavor notes you get from it. Immediately you're hit with an actual dairy tang to it. Oh, my God. Right? Then you're getting that garlic powder, that onion powder, because they actually use Hidden Valley seasoning packets inside their ranch. So they're probably using actual, like, mayonnaise and dairy. Again, this is not a shelf-stable product, but, like—

The way that people used to go to a milkman in 1936 is what you should be doing for your ranch at Wingstop every week. They should be dropping off eggs, milk, and Wingstop Ranch at every household in America. Oh my gosh, she's running in 2028.

Would you vote for me? Absolutely not. I'd vote for Mr. Beast. Save us, Jimmy Donaldson! Oh my gosh. This ranch is redonkulous. He healed the blind. Huh? He healed the blind. Who? Mr. Beast. That was a great video. He sold the chocolate, he healed the blind. Just like Jesus. Just like Jesus. Can you put that back? Wingstop Ranch, there's nothing to say about it. It's a 10, baby. Wingstop Ranch, 10 out of 10. It is absolutely perfect. I couldn't make something that good.

I want to try. Try. But I would probably have to recreate the Hidden Valley seasoning packet from scratch. That seems like a lot of work. There is something about when people are like, I use fresh garlic instead of dried powder. That's powdered garlic.

That tastes great. You want to know what they do? They probably like reconstitute the garlic powder in something. Yeah, they reconstitute it in the delicious milk liquid. Yeah, like they probably let it sit for like 48 hours or something. Yeah, and the flavor's all merry. That's excellent. Yeah, I think they let it sit. Now, this is Marie's. And this is Marie Callender's. No. It's the same font. It is.

Is Marie's Marie calendars? You better. It's like the same font, dude. Bitch, you better be joking. That's Maddie Perez from Euphoria. Sorry, when you said Maddie Perez, I kind of forgot her last name and I forgot all the names of the people in Euphoria because it hasn't been on in years. I just finished it. Marie. I'm pretty damn good.

No, I think this is a completely separate thing. This is named after Marie Nordquist, the owner of a quaint cafe in Seattle. Man, all these. Ken's was just a steakhouse in Framingham, Massachusetts. Marie's was just a cafe in Seattle. Hidden Valley was just a dude ranch. The American Dream was real at one point. It was. Paul Newman was just a... We'll get to him. We'll get to him.

I'm going to give that ranch a five. The texture is great. The flavor leaves me lacking in flavor, and I think there might be too much of an herb that I don't like in here. There's an herb in here. Why are you laughing at me, Becky? Yeah, what is it? There's an herb in here I don't like. Read the ingredients. Read them out loud. Soybean oil, buttermilk, water, sour cream, egg yolk, less than 2% of distilled vinegar. That's your problem. Up that vinegar to 4%, brother. That's your problem.

Salt, dried garlic, sugar, dried onion, dextrose, spices, modified cornstarch, dried green onion. Is it the dried green onion on Mount Levin? Probably dried green onion, which is interesting because when I make ranch, I make a very scalliony ranch. And then all the other stuff just says natural flavors. Yeah, this is kind of a sweet, very dairy-forward, not acidic enough green oniony ranch. Needs more acid. Needs more acid. Needs less onion.

I think the American palate has gotten more acidic over the years. That's good. We need to eat more acid as Americans. Do we? I think we need more fiber. Okay. Why don't you run on that platform? Do we need more acid? I'm running on the platform of bringing eggs, milk, and Rand Wings. She's bringing Eggsy back. Yeah. That's going to be the campaign video.

What is this? Oh, Newman's Own. Newman's Own. This was the top of the line for me growing up. Why? Because I had a dad who was born in 1946, and he loved Paul Newman. He was so nice. He donates all of the proceeds from his dressings to the children. It's a complete non-profit, right? He's lovely. And he was hot, and he loved his wife, and they got down. Oh, don't tell me about how hot Paul Newman is. They got down. Hot. I'm so worried that the dressing is not going to stack up. I don't care. Got to give him extra points for the kids. Um...

That tastes like nothing. That's like the worst. No, Paul Newman, RIP. Paul, you're so hot. It's by far the worst ranch dressing that we've had. You think it's worse than Kraft? It's close. Put the Kraft back. This is damn close to Kraft, and this is full fat. Try them. Oh, you're right. You're always right, Josh. This is almost the same dressing. Newman's own ranch. That's a one. I'm really sorry, but that was pretty bad. Well, on to the next one. He also drove race cars. That's why my dad loved him.

He had really beautiful crystal clear blue eyes that almost looked like you were looking at the ocean. I watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid so many times. Such a dad movie. Oh my God. Such a dad movie. Truff Ranch next. So you guys, I have to tell you, I spent $50 on eBay and it's freaking expired. Expired in 2023. I think we're in 2025. That's fine. Wait, can you just double check to see the date? Where's the expiration date? Yeah, 2023. That's okay.

Um, because I love you guys so much, I'm going to put my health on the line. I think it's sealed. It's sealed. Also, talking about the American Dream, I feel like Truff is the modern American Dream sauce. Where are they from? What? Where are they from? They're Cali guys. I think they're LA guys. Are they Persian? I think they're Persian, yeah. It smells so good. I need a bucket. I spent $50 on this. This is the worst thing I ever did. This is, uh, is it because it's expired? No.

Or is it because it's truffle, hot sauce, and ranch dressing, three things that should not be combined? Get me the Wingstop. I need to cut my palate. Where's the Wingstop? Get her the Wingstop Ranch. I need to drink it. Jake, yeah, I'm going to go back to the big thing of Wingstop. That was the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. $50 ranch dressing. Listen, it's expired, but also I don't think the flavor profiles work. It's expired and it's bad. I do love...

Truff. I think truff is a really fascinating business story. I think it's delicious. I love their original truff hot sauce on breakfast burritos because truffle and eggs is good. Hot sauce and burritos is good. I love truff. I think what they've done is incredible. I do think this product that they've made is an abomination of a god. I think their truffle oil that they sell is the best truffle oil because there is actual real truffle in it. Wow. Upsetting. That ranch was the most upsetting thing I've put in my mouth in 2025.

Hey, years long. Josh, I must say, the trough was really bad, but the packaging, stunning. Love the grand, the grandeur of it all. The grandeur. The grandiosity. The grandiosity. Grandiosity of the ranch. Today I used the word glib wrong and Josh called me out. No, Nicole said glib. Am I using that word right? And I said, no, but that's okay. Please continue.

I asked for it. In conclusion. What did we learn, Josh? Anyways, Wingstop Ranch, easily, number one. Numero uno. It's not super thick, but it is wildly flavorful. But if you can't get your hands on Wingstop Ranch, please have Ken's. I love Ken's. Hidden Valley, I think, still had a great showing. I think Lighthouse had a great showing. I think Marie's and...

Newman's own. Paul Newman's RIP dressing. A little bit of Paul Newman's special sauce in here. We're not up to my personal tastes. But yeah, Hidden Valley Ranch really still holds up. Good stuff. I had a great time eating carrots and ranch with you. Can we get buffalo wings? Next time. Tommy want wingy. When you get fast and reliable internet at Verizon, you can also save on the entertainment you love. Save on your favorite funny flicks.

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All right, children, we're out of that man's colon and back at school. That's called a callback. And now it's time for everyone's favorite segment, Nicole. You know what it is. I sure do. Yummy in my tummy got some trivia for you. Okay, let's hear those trivia questions, Robot Maggie. What condiment was used for its medicinal qualities in the 1800s? Beep. Relish. I'll beep in. I'll say ketchup.

The correct answer is ketchup. Yep. Ketchup. Ketchup, made in mushrooms, fish sauce, walnuts. Tomatoes didn't really get in the game. Okay, next one. What's the most stolen grocery store item? The Bible. This is interesting. Most stolen grocery store item? I know what it is. Bing. Cheese. I'll levy a guess. Candy? The correct answer is cheese. Cheese? What the? Who's out here stealing cheese? The people. They're hungry, Josh. Did you know that? Yes. Yes.

Have you stolen cheese? I've stolen candy. I felt really guilty. Can I tell you something? I've never stolen from a grocery store, from a clothing store, from an anything store. Never in my life. I do not believe in stealing. I still believe in Winona Ryder. She did nothing wrong. The process of baking a pie crust before adding the filling is called what? What is blind baking? I'll say par baking.

The correct answer is blind baking. Get rekt! Get rekt! I know. I was hoping that they had, like, bad info. Nicole, you indeed rekt me. Now it's time to get to our personal favorite segment. Opinions are like casseroles.

God, I love that little jingle, don't you? Makes me feel alive. We ate a lot of ranch. Yeah, I do not feel good. I saved half my lunch for after the podcast, but now that ranch is my lunch. All right, let's get to that first opinion.

Hi, Nicole and Josh. This is Michael from Pittsburgh. I hope yinz are doing very well. Yinz are doing well. My strong opinion is to not keep ketchup and mustard in the fridge. There's nothing worse than getting hot food and then having to put cold ketchup or mustard on it. It drives me crazy.

Again, I live in Pittsburgh, so it's not sitting in a warm house with no air conditioning because I never put those in the fridge. Take care, and I will hang up and listen now. Thanks. Bye. Aw, I like that.

I'll hang up and listen now. That's pretty good. Sorry, I was mulling over the ketchup and mustard and temperature of it all. So I love, so like me and you, we just had ranch with carrot sticks. Yes, we did. Now, would we prefer to be buffalo wings? Of course. Of course. Hot, hot buffalo wing, ice cold ranch, happy, happy tummy time. Absolutely. I would like to also extend this kind of, you know, stylized eating to a hot dog, you know, like hot, hot, hot dog, ice cold mustard.

That was my initial instinct, but then I thought, you ever have ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, and then it's wrapped, and then it sits for a while, and everything's the same temperature? I don't like that. You get a hot ketchup slurry? Do I like that?

Do I? Think about French fries. French fries and ketchup. That's the most common thing. My eyes are closed. I'm visualizing. Think about French fries. You're at a father's office and you know they have no ketchup. Oh my God. I picked the one restaurant in LA that literally doesn't serve ketchup. Yeah, so annoying. So you're at The Habit. You ever go to The Habit Burger Grill? I've never been inside of A Habit, but I've ordered The Habit. I love The Habit. I think The Habit does great. We're here at The Habit. They have perfectly mid-sized French fries, thicker than a McDonald's fry, thinner than a steak fry.

Right, right, right. You got them. They're crispy. They're hot. You went to one of the good locations, you know? Yeah, the one in Brentwood? The one in Brentwood where the manager actually can like instill, you know, values in their employee. They're like, hey, you should care about the work that you do. My eyes are still like relatively closed. Can you continue? Absolutely. And so you have these hot, crispy fries and then there's ketchup in front of you. You dip it into the ketchup. You bring it to your mouth and the first thing it touches your tongue, Nicole, is the ketchup.

Do you want, what temperature do you want that ketchup to be? If my fries are really hot, like fresh out the fryer, I want my ketchup to be cold. I do too. Yeah. And I know all the science, yins are correct, if I can use the parlance. Yins out there in Pittsburgh are correct. Yins? Yins is a very Pittsburgh slang. Ask Taylor Dolniak, our cam op and editor. Yins? Yins, I think it just means you. Oh, okay.

And I think, is it always plural? Is yin singular and yins is plural? I learned so much on this podcast. It's crazy. Well, you know about Pittsburgh salads, French fries in them. Yeah. Pittsburgh steak is just raw. Yes. Permanente brothers, we love Pittsburgh out here. I've never been to Pittsburgh. Some pierogies. I almost went to college there. You did? Carnegie Mellon University. Can you imagine how different your life would be if you went to college there? Quite different. Cost of living, a lot cheaper. Pittsburgh probably won't ask. You would have been a different person. 100%. I'm like a Pittsburgh 8. Yeah.

You know, LA6. You're in LA6? LA6. Pittsburgh 8. That's what they say. Anyways. Okay.

Aromas in food are stronger when it's warm. So the ketchup tastes more like ketchup when it's warm. However, I want it like an ice cold chutney on my food. But the mustard could be room temp. Mustard could be room temp. I think I want cold mustard. I don't think I want cold mustard. I think I want cold mustard. I think I keep all my hot sauces in the fridge just because I like cold hot sauce on a bite of food. Okay.

This is interesting for me. Yep, I, not syrup. Maple syrup, Julia keeps in the fridge. I do not. Oh, you don't do that. You don't what? Do you keep honey in the fridge? Absolutely not. Oh, no, you don't do that. Definitely not. Peanut butter in the fridge? No. You don't do that. No, butter in the fridge, sure. I wish I had a, you know, Josh, can I tell you something? I wish I cared more about my, like, life so I could have a butterbell. Does that track? Yeah. Are you still mad that I questioned your LA6 question?

Are you still concentrating on that? What do you think I am?

No? No, absolutely not. No, I am perceived and judged way too much in general. I think you're beautiful. I think you're great. Just like James Blunt. Say thank you. Thank you, Nicole. You're also beautiful and great inside and out. I think there should be personal preference, and I see your personal preference on the room-temp ketchup mustard, and I see it, but I do prefer it ice cold, and that's weird. Cold ketchup room-temp mustard. I'll meet you halfway. I'll meet you halfway. There you go. Hi, Josh and Nicole. My name is Carrie, and I'm from Michigan.

I just wanted to know your stance on whether you believe sugar should go in spaghetti sauce or not. My mom always put sugar in our sauce. So I believe it does. So I just want to know your stance. Thank you. Bye. Yes. You say yes. Yes. So I have been on the TikTok recently and I saw Giada De Laurentiis saying that whenever our tomatoes are too acidic, we like to put a carrot. Carrot is sweet.

Sweet is sugar. You don't have access to carrots. Just put a little sugar. I have never tasted a tomato sauce and gone like, this is too acidic. Okay. I'm kind of there for the acid. I am most of the time too, especially in pizza sauce.

Yeah, there's a lot of sugar. If you get jarred pizza sauce versus jarred spaghetti sauce, which is funny, because in Italy pizza sauce is just crushed tomatoes and a lot of spaghetti sauce is just crushed tomatoes. But pizza sauce in America will be denser and more sugary.

which I don't like that in a pizza. I don't like it. I want my pizza sauce sour and tomatoey. Tomatoey, man. I'm there for the tomatoes. The pinch of sugar, people say, the Italian roommates that I had, they said their grandma would put a pinch of sugar in there. You got people like Giada saying put a carrot in there because it neutralizes the acidity.

It'll neutralize the acidic taste, but if you are somebody that has like acid reflux. You'll still get it. You'll still get it because you're just adding sugar on top of acid. The thing that will actually drop the pH of your sauce, I've never done this. I saw an Italian person do this in a cooking video recently, but they put baking soda in their tomato sauce. I was going to say you should put Tums. Yeah, literally sodium bicarbonate. So baking soda will neutralize the acidity. I don't personally put any sugar in my tomato sauce. Mm-hmm.

Because I just want pure savoriness. And if I'm making like a Sunday gravy, oh, that might be my next dinner party idea.

Yeah? Just a... Do it. Oh, just a big elaborate sundae gravy with like 19 kinds of animal bones and sausages. Do it. Do it. Oh my gosh. Fudge, dude. We've done that before and it was so much fun. I know. What a fun... Sundae gravy is such a fun food with like the pork ribs. Yeah. Ugh, what a fun food. Mmm. Good times. More people need to make sundae gravies. Yeah. Some people think it's a sin to put sugar in tomato sauce. Absolutely not. If your grandma did it, do it. It's a beautiful way to honor her. Skeddy. Skeddy. Skeddy sauce. Skeddy's great.

Hi, I love you guys. My name is Jamie. I'm calling from Cincinnati, Ohio. Nice. I would like to report a food crime. I think my fiance is a criminal. Lock him up. He likes to put Sour Patch Kids on top of his Cool Ranch Doritos. That is a beautiful thing. Let me know what the verdict is. Thanks. Your boyfriend's a freak. Mama, I'm in love with a criminal. And not a freak just because he's putting weird things on a weird thing. No, no, he's a freak because what he's after...

It's just wildly sour. Sounds disgusting. Sweet. That's like, you ever hear that serial killers like bitter foods? What? There's a correlation between serial killers and enjoying bitter foods. I don't know if that's true. It was one headline I saw probably nine years ago. Did I look into it? I don't think that's true. Absolutely not. But the point is, Boyfriend's a freak because they're just after the rush. They're after the rush of sour. Lock him up.

Lock him up. They don't care where it comes from. You completely competing textures. Do me a solid. Tell your boyfriend to just for like three days, just tell him to juice. Tell him to have some cucumbers on the side, a pineapple, a little bit of watermelon. It'll benefit the two of you, I'm sure. Or hear me out.

You can join him. No, no, no, no. Put a Sour Patch on a Koryan's Dorito. No, no, no. He needs to detox. He needs a full-on detox. Draw the blinds. Three days of just juice, juice, juice, water, water, water, juice, juice, juice, water. He's got to reset. He's got to reset. He's got to reset a lot of stuff. Yeah, indulge in each other's weirdness, you know? Dive deep.

Take them to creation. I'm sure we're Columbus, Ohio. Cincinnati, not Columbus. Sorry, whatever. Same thing. I'm sorry. Is that rude? Same thing. Is that rude? Sorry, Ohioians. Columbus is like three times the size of Cincinnati, but it has one third of the cultural impact, might I add. So they're from Cincinnati? Yes. Okay. I'm sure that there's a juice place in Cincinnati that you can go to. Yeah, it's called Skyline Chili, baby. No, no, no. You need to go get a juice.

You need to juice for three days and then give him a little kiss on the forehead, let him sit on the toilet, let him expel all of the bad stuff he's working on. He's eating sin is what he's doing.

You remember John Harvey Kellogg? He thought the dude that invented cornflakes to stop you from catching yourself. His whole theory was that eating foods high in spice or even just eating meats or indulging in alcohol basically gave you lascivious, impure thoughts. This is the first time I've agreed with him.

Where you're like putting Sour Patch on Cool Range Doritos and it's like that's gonna cause impure thoughts. Literally, yes. Eat a cucumber. That's why I'm saying he needs to eat some foods filled with water. Reset the palate at least because he's chased the dragon too far. So now you agree with me. I do, I do. Wow.

It only took the whole episode for him to finally agree with me. You know, your partner's got bad habits and sometimes it feels good to indulge in them. You know, you both just spiral downwards. The other day, David and I went to a play called Harry Potter and the Half-Cursed Child, which was really good. Was that what it's called, Maggie? I don't think so. Harry Potter and the Half-Cursed Child. That's like a thing. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. He's fully cursed. Can we check the Harry Potter and the Three Quarters Cursed Child? No, that's a platform. It's like Lion King one and a half. Platform three quarters. I went to the Harry Potter musical thingy, and me and David split a box of, what's it called, Sour Patch Kids? Gross. What do you mean? You just don't like it? I hated them. They've never been my personal gummy of choice. Why would I? You know what's the best Sour Patch Kid? The watermelon ones.

Those are Sour Patch Watermelons. The Sour Patch Watermelons are the best iteration of Sour Patch you can put in your mouth. I'm a fan of, I don't know if it's Haribo that makes them, but the Grapefruit Slices. Oh, TBT. Yeah, dude. Cola Bottles, too. You like Cola Bottles? Haribo Cola Bottles, not the fizzy sour ones. The normal, normal ones. You know? You notice sometimes me and you go into this accent. Yeah, it's Yin's accent from Pittsburgh.

It's so odd. Well, that's our time, folks. I know we don't want to leave. You don't want to leave. But we got a yoga class tonight that I told Julia I wouldn't go to, and I'm not. But there is a yoga class tonight. At Equinox? No. A little Core Power Studio. You don't go to Equinox anymore?

Uh, no, I've stopped actually. I'm at LA Fitness. Did I tell you this? You go to LA Fitness now? Yeah. What, 30 bucks a month? Uh, $39.99. Incredible. A special $5 activation fee. Do you shower at the LA Fitness? Um, I'll tell you what, I'm one workout in and there are three LA Fitnesses on my way to work.

And I went to one, and it was by far the worst gym that I've ever been to. Horrible. And this isn't because I'm bougie. Like, I've worked out at gyms. I worked out at gyms in South Africa that I just walked into. Sure. I grew up at big box gyms. I used to lift in a shipping container. That's fine. I respect that. This is a particularly bad gym. There's black mold everywhere. Only one toilet for an entire gym. There's a co-ed hot tub that fits four people. Ew! Ew!

And there was just one very inviting Filipino man in there. Oh, my God. My worst. You just described my worst nightmare. Yeah. Black mold. It's not great. It's bizarre. But. Do they have a basketball court? No, but other ones do. So I'm going to go to all the LA's fitness. Well, they do have a racquetball courts. Okay. You should go. So I'm going to get back to racquetball. It's fine to pay. Oh, are you still here? Sorry. New episodes Wednesday, Sunday. Keep listening. Or please. Does Julia come with you? Oh, no. You go to core power. Yeah. Yeah.

We got a friend that teaches there, so we get free classes. Oh my God. It's nice. He's got it like that. But they're all like late at night on weekdays. For more opinions on Icast Rules, if you want to do them, just call us. You know the number by now. If you don't, get with the program. 1-833-DOGPOD1. I call every day. And I leave abusive messages towards the hosts.

for more Mythical Kitchen check out our videos we launch new episodes every week see you next time if you want to see this episode check us out on on our YouTube channel on Sunday it's so good it's Mythical Kitchen and then audio only episodes come out on Wednesday yeah that's right stop we've won awards we've won awards for this podcast we have won awards where are those awards?

I don't know. I want them in my house. Take them. Are they in your house right now? No, certainly not. Are they here? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to take them. Find them. There's someone in the office. I'm just going to... Bye. Bye.