732. Look For These Signs of an Emotionally Healthy Man When Dating
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Welcome to the Almost 30 Podcast. I'm Lindsay. And I'm Krista. And we're your hosts, guides, and friends on this path. Almost 30 is not about your age. It's about the feeling. All of us are almost something, seeking community and resources to support the rumblings of transformation within us. Our conversations are deep dives, shepherded by our insatiable curiosity and desire for connection, enduring inspiration, and a sense of levity that we can all benefit from.

We're looking to find the magic in the human experience. Buckle up, baby. Your evolution is waiting. Hello and welcome to Almost 30 Podcast. What is up, everybody? Welcome to the show. It's Lindsay and Krista. We're in studio together. We can touch.

We can touch. We're in New York City. Welcome to Almost 30. If you're new here, I'm so glad you're here. You don't need to be any age to listen. We started Almost 30 when we were transitioning from our 20s to our 30s. We felt a little lost and confused. It's such an important time in your life. There's so much change happening. And so we started a podcast on our closet floors when we had full-time jobs. And we grew this thing from the ground up with our best friendship at the foundation. And we talk about spirituality, wellness...

All the things. And we realized that going through that very intense change of your almost 30 era kind of prepared us for like any change upcoming. So that's why we say any age, baby. Any age, you can be whatever. There's a man that I was talking to the other day and he's like 50 something. He's like the biggest fan.

Really? Yeah. He's a lawyer. Cool. I know. I was so honored. I'm like, you know that, obviously I love all y'all chickies. I love my babes. But when there's like a man that listens, I'm like, yes, we're really reaching them. Totally. Because it, well, it's just, by the way, it's a hack for any man who wants to learn more about, not that we just speak to female experience, but obviously we're females. And so we're going to lean on that. But

It's a total hack. It's a total hack. Learn more about what we're interested in. Yes. Bring it to conversation. I think too, I hope we try and keep it, you know, I think probably back in the day, it was so much from our lens and experience, but I try and be more neutral. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a, yeah, there's a frequency that you can metabolize of a woman that's kind of a little more neutral. Like Mel Robbins is so good at that. She's so like, can reach anybody in such a powerful, really, really clear way.

piercing way, whether you're a man or woman or whatever. And I really seek to be someone that can be in that. Obviously it's not out of my control. A lot of it's out of my control, but. I wonder if it has to do with age too. Oh yeah. Kind of like wisdom. 100%. Where like guys definitely look to Brene Brown. Totally. So true. You know what I mean? So true. Not every guy, but you know what I mean? It's an interesting thing that I wonder. I saw a guy at a coffee shop sitting up so erect.

reading Daring Greatly. And I was like, I see you, brother. That's amazing. I see you, brother. I see what you're trying to do here. Just leafing through like this, had his book like this. We're just reading Daring Greatly. I hope people see the cover. Yeah. And he has like one single tear just like rolling down his face. He's like, I've never been vulnerable. Um,

I was saying just we were talking about this conversation with GS Youngblood on the pod today. And he talks about relational masculinity. And it's interesting to think about like our experience, let's say over the last decade or two of like the masculine and kind of what we...

learned the masculine was, how it's changed our experience of different forms of masculinity, like on the spectrum. Um,

Does anything come to mind when I say that? Fear. Yeah, I just, I don't know. Yeah, so many things. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever met a truly embodied conscious masculine man. Yeah. Or been around them frequently. Like I would have to really, really noodle on that. And that's no shade at all. But in the, I guess it's interesting because it's in the way I'm being taught now and in the way that I'm learning. Like I think...

you know, and the way I understand it now is so different. It's so energetic and it's so, it's just so specific. And I don't know if growing up or even I've had amazing, I've dated amazing men. I've been with amazing men, but I don't know if they really knew what an embodied true masculine was and knew how to help hold that and knew how to be in that. And I probably didn't facilitate that either. You know, it's not like I was like, sure.

you know, working on my thing too. So I don't know. Like, I feel like most men right now are struggling. Do you think like every, if we're talking about heterosexual relationships, do you think every type of woman needs a quote masculine man? Cause I feel like there are some dynamics where I'm like,

That quote, you know, nice guy, kind of softer, da-da-da, like, I want to say pushover, but whatever, is perfect for that woman. But is it dysfunctional or is it perfect? Yeah.

I don't know. Cause I feel like that's the template right now is overbearing, over-controlling, over-functioning woman. Yeah. Man then has to figure out how to be. And so he becomes nice guy, docile, chill. Yes. Doesn't really have needs or an opinion. Yep. And has to go along with whatever the woman wants. And I don't know if maybe both are happy. Maybe they're not. I wasn't happy in a dynamic like that before. But it's funny how like we...

We almost overcompensate and play into it, but we're so unhappy. Say more. Like, I feel like I did this when I was dating more so, not long-term relationships, but like where you know and feel that the man is more docile and submissive because of your- Oh, 100%. Intense, whether it's control, energy, whatever. Yes.

And you're like, this is so unattractive. What the fuck? And then you keep doing it. Oh, I liked it, but I liked it though. Okay. I found it attractive. Oh, okay. Okay. For a time. Yes. For a time. And then, and then I was like, no, cause I was probably fully in my masculine. I was controlling. I liked to lead. I liked to call the shots. I liked to do everything. I wanted to be the full, like,

energetic frequency dictator of the vibe. So that's how I felt safe. Yeah. I was going to say like a safe. That's how I felt safe. And yeah, now I don't want that anymore because I trust myself more. You know what I mean? It was like, you're living in fear kind of, it's like you're like little girl is, but yeah, I enjoyed that dynamic and I didn't know anything else was possible. Or I also felt like it was like, this is what a woman does. This is how a woman is. Like it was only really the dynamic that I saw. Right. Were you in that dating?

with a few people, but it was never like an intense, like I'm controlling everything and they're more docile. It was more like I was trying to quietly control how much they liked me. And like, I really wanted them to like commit. I wanted them to think I'm wife material. I like, so I was kind of

under the surface trying to orchestrate that doesn't work for someone who doesn't want to commit slash is not right for you. And what I experienced of the masculine there was more like an indecisiveness. So less of like kind of a structure and a clarity around like what they wanted, what their preferences and desires were more so because they wanted to

They didn't want to commit. Also, but it's so funny because they're like lack of ability to commit or they're kind of indecisiveness. It's so funny because it's like, also the woman is completely shape-shifting. So they're like, what am I even committing to? Exactly. They can feel it intuitively when a woman is shape-shifting for them. So it's almost like, okay, I don't know. It was something and not being myself. So how was I to, who am I committing to attract the person I'm meant to be with at the time?

If it's, if I'm not being myself. Exactly. Yeah, totally. But it's so funny because before, I don't think you know you're not being yourself. You don't know. I didn't, I don't think I really knew. Or maybe I was being a version of myself. I don't know, but I didn't really understand how much I would like shape shift. I mean, I was so good. Oh my God. Yeah. Girl, I'd be like, you like Supreme? I'm, I literally have a whole Supreme hat collection.

How many lies did you tell? Literally so crazy. Oh my God. I'm trying to think of the lies for sure. Definitely. White lies. White lies. White lies. Yeah. Like probably like, oh, this was, oh my God, this is so cringe and hilarious. My favorite lie, it's making me like,

verbally sick. My favorite lie was to be like, I ran track in high school. They'd be like, oh, do you play sports? I was like, yeah, I played volleyball and I ran track. You didn't play volleyball. I didn't play volleyball and I wasn't good.

I was like two in my head. I mean, track is such a risky thing to say because you got to know what a four by four is, a hundred meter, whatever, a 200. What is that? I was like, I was like, I ran the 500. You're like, I did the one where you would just run 100.

once around the yes yeah I was like it was just you know fast start and then stop and it made my butt look great like I was like girl like I just was like yeah that was like one of them that I was like oh my god that is so funny so so stupid what was the lie that you told

I feel like I did like sexualize. Oh my gosh. You know what I mean? Whether it's like something I've done before. Oh my gosh. This is- Or haven't done before. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Or would say I like would agree and like, yeah, let's do that. Totally. Like through text or virtual and then- Never. Would be like-

Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, no. Are you kidding me? Dude, that is... So yeah, I think I... But I used that to like kind of lure. Totally. And then they're like, you're a fraud. Honestly, you're a big baby. You don't even want to do any of that. So I was really enticed by this interview with GS Youngblood. So he studied with John Wineland, like some of the greats like David Data, Alison Armstrong. And...

they had pitched. And then I had a few friends that were talking about his work. And then I was like, okay, perfect. That's the sign. So basically he works with men and he works with men on redefining masculinity because right now we're really in a stage in society and culture where

We are telling men that they are bad, that masculinity is bad, that there's toxic masculinity, all these things, but we're not really providing a template for how to be in the new age, how to be with the modern woman, how to be with the way things are changing and evolving. I think women are getting a lot of,

information about how to change and evolve in the new way. But this is really the masculine blueprint. So there's a three part blueprint that we talk about on the show. And we really dig into a lot of details on how to do this. And the first one is to respond versus react with women. So he talks a lot about responding versus reacting to women. And so the reaction would be like getting mad, like, you know,

looking for details, like looking for specifics and just responding first. I think this can work in any relationship too, but I think men have a hard time because I think they feel like they're trying their best. They're doing everything they can. So they feel like just brokenhearted when they let us down. The second one is provide structure. So providing structure within the family, providing structure within the relationship. And the third is create safety.

So creating safety in their home, creating safety in the relationship, that's physical safety, that's emotional safety, that's financial safety. And we really focus on the emotional and physical safety in the relationship, not as much the financial, but that's definitely part of it. Yeah. Emotional safety is so interesting. I feel like

You know, we can kind of think about the physical safety, but emotional... It's interesting too because physical is very specific. I think physical is very interesting too because it's like, it's nuanced. It's like... Tell me more. It's like...

It's like when you're out, like being on the outside. Yeah. You know, when you're walking, putting the hand behind, when you're getting in the car, going up, like it's almost like you're with a CIA agent. Yeah. And they're just kind of moving things around. They're thinking about, so you don't have to have the mental load. Yes. Of being a woman in the world. Yes. Truly like of like. Yes. Is someone going to steal my purse or assault me? Yeah. It's like having that space

Yeah, that frame or understanding. And it's not like you want to be with someone that's like always scared about something where it's like, get on my right side. Or he's wearing a CIA suit. Yes, he's got like a taser in his pocket. But it's just a very gentlemanly, nuanced way of being that creates a feeling of safety in your body. But emotional safety is huge. And I would imagine too that there's a link between the emotional and physical with anyone who has experienced maybe in a prior relationship or not like a physicality

a physical trauma where like the person is aware and kind of works with... 100%. You're speaking to me exactly. And I hear you. I didn't mean to speak to you, but like... Yes. I think it's very common. Like it's very common for people to have experiences that are very traumatic. Yep. And...

It's like, how does the masculine hold that when you build the trust and all the things? It's interesting too, because with emotional safety, when we talk about creating emotional safety, I know women in relationships that feel safe with their partner because a younger girl, part of them created safety with them, but it's not their like highest self or soul.

So basically from like a parts perspective and internal family systems, we have our parts. Like we have our inner child as an example. So oftentimes in a relationship with a man, that inner child can feel safe for maybe the first time in their life with a man. Hmm.

And it's like, then that inner child is deeply connected to that man. And so that inner child feels safe. But then there could be another part of them that's like, oh, I actually don't feel safe in my bigness. I actually don't feel safe in my like most exalted version of myself. So there can be parts of you that feel safe with someone, but there could be other parts that don't. So the safety thing is also too, like safe in all spaces or areas. Like, are you safe in your, your like deepest, brightest expression as you are at your lowest moment? Yep.

Yeah, I think the emotional safety last thing, I think that can be so, or I've experienced it to be obvious that it's there and healthy in like conflict where it's kind of like learning how to fight, like fighting in a way that is not only productive, but safe for both people to fully express and be themselves and not, you know,

have what you said held against you or like fighting in a way that's really disrespectful in the moment, calling names or, you know, it's...

I think that for me would be an emotional safety thing. That's huge. Yeah. I love that. Cause that's sometimes for a lot of us, like the part where we get feel bad or, you know, you feel like the most scared. Cause that's when you're feels like love is taken away. How can you fight without love being taken away? Um, we talked about the nice guy archetype, like what the nice guy does for the feminine nervous system. Why so many women don't just want nice guys. Um,

the asshole archetype. And then lastly, my favorite part was something I always tell this. I always say I'm all feelings, no facts.

like in my life. But he said that in conflict, it's really good to approach feelings first, facts later, especially with the feminine. And I really, really love that because I feel like a lot of times too, men will be like, well, what happened here? What did you say? Where did we go? They're always like literally nitpicking the facts of exactly what happened. The more logical brain. Yes. And you're like, dude, I don't even...

It doesn't even matter. I just want, I'm going to say something crazy and I just want to be like able to express. So really sitting with the feelings of a woman and letting her move through that emotional experience and then going to like the facts later. Yeah. Such a good one. I know. I love that one. It's a really, really good one.

So you can find more information about GS Youngblood at gsyoungblood.com. And the book is The Masculine Blueprint. And there's another book that he also has called The Art of Embodiment for Men. Beautiful. Thank you all for listening. We have hundreds of other episodes over the last eight plus years. So be sure to subscribe, check them out and subscribe on YouTube. We'll see you on the other side. See you soon.

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Welcome to the show. Welcome to Almost 30. I am so grateful that you're here. I was so excited all day to be in conversation with you. So much of the topics that you discuss and that you explore are so relevant to my life and the women's life of the people that we serve here at Almost 30. And I think you have such a grounded, a

Yeah.

When I look at the world of the masculine and the feminine today and sort of the dynamics that I see and sort of what's going on in the world with the struggle that a lot of the women in my life are in and even the men in my life are in, it does seem like from a cultural perspective, we're at this sort of

friction point where women are not necessarily getting what they want and men are not necessarily getting what they want out of relationships. And these certain types of dynamics I see playing out on a larger scale quite often, where the men are sort of out of their power, the women are over-indexing, controlling, micromanaging, all of these things. What are you sort of seeing as a collective whole happening within the masculine-feminine dynamic

that we can ground ourselves in for this conversation. Yeah. There there's let's, let's zoom out for one second. And we're in a, we're in a, we're in an arc. We're in a very long arc that spans thousands of years. And there's a little, we're in a space of a little bit of over-correction right now. And I'll talk about that, but and we're going to over-correct and then we're going to swing back and we will get there. And,

you know where we came from we both know and i think everybody in the audience understands of thousands of years of male domineering in the world and then we've collectively sort of woken up and we're over correcting right now guys are now getting the message that you know damn you you the men have been so overbearing for so many years decades and centuries that uh that we need to pull back and unfortunately

What the feminine wanted from us was their voice to be heard, their feelings to be felt. There needed to be a space for them in this. And men overcorrected because we became we started to become very reticent to assert ourselves because the ways that our assertion looked over the centuries was was misogyny, was sometimes sexual abuse and bad things like that.

So we've overcorrected and a lot of guys have really pulled back. And I think therein lies the challenge. And there is that's where we are in this big arc that spans the millennia is men are afraid to assert themselves. So men are confused. You know, I have empathy for both sides of this coin in this equation that men are confused. They don't know how to be now. And

You know, that was what David Data has started to address. That's what John has started to address in his work. And certainly the same thing that I'm looking at now and

That's what the book is for me. It's that offering of what is a modern masculine that fits in the modern world, that does acknowledge the fact that we're in a me too relevant world today. And we'll talk about the framework in the book, but that this is what I was and am wanting to bring to the world is a model of masculinity that one, men can understand. It's not esoteric and woo woo and kind of out there. It's like, no, it makes sense to their daily life.

And it's something that they can embody. And the heart of it is the last thing I'll say here is that the heart of this framework that I'm offering is teaching men how to be grounded in themselves and more relational with their partner at the same time. And I think that's the, that's the flavor of work that I'm trying to bring to men is it's relational masculinity, not alpha dog masculinity or anything like that, but it's relational masculinity. Yeah.

When we think about, you know, in history, I guess, you know, people call it patriarchy or they say like the masculine is dominated. I'm always so curious about that because I often think, you know, right. Maybe it's when I look at right now, the cultural lens where people are like it's male dominated culture in society. I'm like, I don't necessarily see it as we're masculine dominated in.

in a healthy masculine, it's not like I'm saying it's toxic masculinity, but if it was masculine dominated in a healthy way, then it actually would feel much more cohesive and beautiful. And I think when we're operating, it's almost like we're operating from a fear paradigm in both senses where the women are in a masculine frame. That's not necessarily a healthy masculine, but it's like a fear based one. And the men that are operating in kind of

the masculine are almost in the fear based masculine too. And I don't know if we've even seen like a healthy, like a healthy masculine based society. So when we're looking at the way that we judge the society, we're taking the masculine and we're calling it toxic masculinity, but it's not even really true masculinity. Yeah. A lot of, a lot of what is passing for masculinity is, is men over-indexing and doing the Andrew Tate kind of thing where it's more domineering. Um,

That's not, you know, I have a different view of things and I've tried to define what would a healthy masculinity look like? And we can go through that, but that's, that's what I'm trying to bring to the world. It was a, what's a healthy version of this whole thing that men can embody. What was your journey to that? You know, I want to get into it, but it's like, you know, for you being in the work that you are in, you have had some, I'm assuming have your own journey with things to be able to be teaching and understanding these concepts. Yeah.

Yeah. My journey is very relevant to what I'm doing in the world. Um, you know, I was in a marriage that ended about 15 years ago and it ended in a pretty spectacular ball of flames, uh, in a way that was particularly painful for me. And by the end of that relationship, I was, I was just dancing around and trying to, to kind of keep out of trouble and stay away from her anger. Um,

Because I had allowed myself to become very emasculated and really had just lost my own identity. And so the marriage ended and I just knew there had to be a better way. I was very unhappy at the end, as was she. And I didn't know what masculine feminine dynamics were. I didn't know what masculine leadership was. I didn't know what it was to lead in relationship at all.

And that is that's a big component of why the whole relationship broke down. I don't think it was either of us by ourselves. It was it was what we both brought to the table. So from that point, I started to get into men's work. I like most people. David Data was the entry point. And that was an eye opener. You know, wow. This whole notion of polarity. I had no idea. And here's the thing.

it really explained, in retrospect, it explained a lot of my relationship problems. From that point, I went on a dual track of studying with David and John and other people over time.

but as well as being in a relationship for the last 12 years i've been with the same woman for the last 12 years and she's a powerful woman and has a really beautiful strong feminine and and she embodies both of those and that was for me that was a a a real life laboratory of you know when i bring a certain thing into the relational space does it open does it

Does it close? Does it improve our connection? Does it hinder our connection? And so I've had 12 years of a very expressive woman reflecting back how I impact her over time. And it's been awesome. It's a lot of what all my work is based in. It's not just learning from other people, but also the real life experience of it and what worked and what didn't. And over time, I codified that into what turned out to be the first of my two books.

So that was my journey. It was failure was my motivation to find a better way to be in relationship and grounded within myself. That does seem like a pattern, you know, and I've even experienced that as well, being in relationship with men where it's, it seems like men sort of lose themselves and then the woman overcompensates and starts to over-function, starts to lead, starts to

overcompensate in a way and then you lose the polarity and then it's almost like mother-son type dynamic. And I think for a lot of women in the world where they're now really powerful, making money, emotionally processed, all of these things, they're feeling like they're not finding men that are up to par or up to bat with things. And the men are kind of being told to just be nice, but also be... It's just very weird. So can you say more about

That type of dynamic that I'm explaining from your perspective. Yeah, it's, it's, and let's generalize here. Let's give ourselves permission to generalize about men, women. Yeah.

It's in relationship, the women are going towards the connection. And if they don't feel it, they double down on that and they go more towards the connection. And then it starts to get into a little bit more edgy expression of that and really demanding that the man start to be more relational. And the men do just the opposite. When things get hard, we kind of retract in on ourselves.

And that's the simplest way I can describe the dynamic.

I mean, women are nodes in a system and men are islands. And so we tend to want to, we want simplicity of being on our island. And for the feminine, the juice of life is in between the nodes, the people. And that's where, that's where your energy is. And unfortunately we're exactly the opposite in that. And so when things get tough, we both double down on, on our natural way of being, which for men is to isolate and women is to try harder and,

Unfortunately, the harder the women try, the more the men retract. And you have that, you know, that the chaser and the and the the the follower dynamic going on. And so.

Then as the men more and more retract, then they're not even bringing leadership and connection into the relationship anymore. And the woman pursues even more and has to take over that leadership role. And it's just a, it's a really toxic dynamic. And so that's a lot of what I'm, what I'm working on with men is when she's making bid for connection, how do you move towards that? How do you meet her in that place of connection? See,

feed the emotional connection, know how to actually build emotional connection. It's a big part of the work that I do with is how to, how to build emotional connection with, with their woman. And I tell them guys, when you do that, everything gets easier. When there's a healthy emotional connection between the two of you, everything gets easier. And, you know, they're like, okay, that sounds great. How do I do it? And then, you know, we go into the practices that, that, that I like to teach guys in how we do that. So that's kind of my view on that dynamic that you've, that you brought up.

I think that's huge. I think, you know, my, one of my goals in life, I coach women. One of my goals in life is to eventually coach men. And I'm like, I would love to just be like, it's, and it's probably a lot of the work you do. It's so simple. It's like, and I think you talk about it where you talk about feelings first, facts later, which I love. And I'd love for you to explain because it's like, Oh my God.

It's just validate me and then I'm all good. It's actually so simple. But what it seems like to be happening, and I'd love for you to explain more about feelings first, facts later, is that the men come in, they're like, well, I did do this thing or I did this thing. I checked the thing off the list or from a technical perspective, I was doing this thing. And women are like, it's not about that. So what's sort of happening in that dynamic and why feelings first, facts later? Yeah, I love that you brought that up. That's one of my favorite quotes in the book. Best. Yeah.

There's two levels of communication. There's informational and there's energetic. Never the twain shall meet. They are not the same language, just like French and Greek are not the same language. They might be similar, but they are not the same. And so, you know, there's this classic example of a woman has an emotional expression. It may not be tied to the actual facts of the situation. It may be a bunch of stuff munged together, but it's energetic.

And then, of course, you know this as well as anybody. The guy receives that and is like, but no, no, no, wait a minute. That's not correct. I didn't say it like that. And you're off here. And they try to reconcile her emotional, energetic expression to the facts. And that's where things go awry. And we're pathological about it. We're compulsive about it, unfortunately.

And what I always tell guys, you know, using the quote that you brought up, it's feelings first, facts later. It's not that the facts don't matter. It's that when she's in that energetic space, she's just not going to hear it. There is zero point in trying to speak the language of facts. What I'm teaching guys is, look, she wants to feel you feeling her in the moment. So if she's angry about something, she wants you to feel the pain that she's in.

Not at a head level, but just a felt sense of it. And that's what you, cause then she feels an emotional resonance and that's when the nervous system usually comes down. Cause really we're talking, this is all about the nervous system. When the nervous system is activated, you got to address that piece first before you get to the informational portion of it. So I say, guys, it's not that the information is not important. It just comes second. This is a sequencing problem. So again,

Give her a little emotional resonance. Let her feel that you can feel her. Nine times out of 10, the nervous system comes down. Not always, but, but, you know, most times. And then after that, when there's the connection reestablished, nervous systems are brought down a little. Then if you need to get to the facts of something or the actuality of it, then you do it then. And I think that's the biggest dynamic that I try to get guys to understand and understand

The punchline is guys deal with her nervous system first, get to the facts and the particulars later. I love that. I've, you know, in any of my work or even in my, any of my relationships, I've,

even dealing with women or even dealing with men it's like the nervous system yes and almost like the inner child too where it's like there's this activated part of someone that's not going to be logical that's not going to be interested in the solution that's not going to be interested in the next step that's not going to interest the part of you that needs to be tended to in that moment and when we can really be with that and honor that i mean for me

there's no better feeling in the world. You know, I think probably this is part of the feminine, but to feel less alone and to feel validated and to feel safe and to be seen in whatever it is that I'm expressing, like nine times out of 10, I don't even really care about the next step. It's like, there's that part of me that's activated right now that was probably looking for connection in some way and has now found it through, through this experience and is feeling just way less alone in it. So it's,

you know, and I've always thought, and I'm curious if you agree, but it's felt like in my experience being with men that it's felt to me like an ego thing where it's like, and I'm not saying that my, you know, whatever my bid for connection is or my emotional responses is correct, but it's felt like, what is it that they have to be so specific about getting the details and like everything right where it's like, they won't just let it go. Like, what is that?

Yeah. It's, it's, Hmm. Your diary, your diary. Why won't they just let it go? Why can't he just feel me? Damn it. So honestly. Yeah. Yeah. We are, we are. Does it feel unsafe for men? Does it feel illogical? Like what is it probably going through their head where they're like, well, we can't do this. We're left brain creatures. And, and,

we have to process and find the meaning of things, the factual meaning of things. It's just, it's really, like I said, that the word I used earlier was pathological. It's just so much in our DNA. And we, we've not learned the skills of just sitting with the energetics of something, you know, you could say the emotions of something, but I like that word, the energetics of it. And that's, that's more of your right brain doing that. And, um,

So it's built in and we have to learn, you know, guys just have to do the training to be able to rest in emotional expression that doesn't necessarily make sense, doesn't necessarily need a resolution. And these are skills that men can learn and,

And they need to be taught because their fathers didn't teach them that. And let's have a little bit of sympathy for the guys here. They didn't get taught this. Their grandfathers were super ass shut down. Their fathers were only slightly less shut down. And so, you know, men of like my age or your age, we've been handed a legacy of not feeling. So we've had to wake up and, you know, there's hope for the next generation. They'll get that much more emotional awareness from their fathers who are us.

and people of my age. But it has to be taught. And that's the work I'm doing with men. And here's the thing is,

if there's a resistance in men about learning these things, it's because they see, they see more of, they've seen a feminine version of knowing their emotions, expressing their emotions. And that's different there. And it's, it's going to be a little more chaotic on average than what, what I like to refer to as more of a masculine style of being with your emotions. And that's the, what I'm teaching guys is we both feel deeply. We, we can feel deeply as well, just like you guys can, but,

But it's the expression. It's going to be a little more chosen, a little more contained, a little more succinct. And that's the masculine style of being with emotions and expressing those emotions that I teach the guys. And once they realize how straightforward it can be, then they tend to get on board. They're like, oh, well, yeah, I guess I can do that. Because they see that particularly masculine style. They're like...

I need to understand logically how to be illogical. If we were to flip it, so, you know, the woman is looking for the connection. She's looking for feelings first, facts later. What are the men, when the men are having an experience in their body of a dysregulated nervous system, what are the men looking for from women? I'm so glad you asked this because I think this is really the relevant point for guys. What we want and need is,

is the cleanest expression of your heart. And I'll explain what I mean by that, but that's what we want. We need the cleanest expression of your heart. The minute that any kind of blame gets injected into your expression, we start to tighten up. And just, there's no, I'm not even talking about right or wrong or deserved or not deserved. I'm just saying, it's a fact. Any hint or hint, whether it's a dollop or a scoop, right?

of blame or disappointment that gets injected into your expression of pain is going to shut most men down. I'm not saying that's right. I'm saying that does happen though. So when the cleanest expression of your heart is you telling us about you and how you feel without then the story of, and here's why you cause that. You know, the problem for guys is that your disappointment is our kryptonite. Oh my gosh.

I can't tell you. I mean, sorry to interrupt you. I just wrote down disappointment. What I've realized over the past years is men literally cannot handle disappointing. Totally. Yeah.

It's hard for us. It's our kryptonite. We can be supermen in certain ways and then boom, we're at our worst and our least relational. Now, that's our cross to bear and that's the work that we need to go do. But let's just talk about how it occurs in the moment.

So yeah, your disappointment is very hard. So if you, if you want to be most successful, my advice is just give the cleanest expression of your heart. You know, when you show up 25 minutes late, you know, I just, I feel, I feel like I'm not important to you. And I, and I know that that's not necessarily true, but that's, that's the story that comes up for me and I feel lonely. So the more you can talk just about you without the story about us,

And look, I get it. I mean, we all do that. We create a story about the other person to explain how we feel. Well, forget the story. Just explain how you feel and make it as little about us as possible. And you'll find that we're that much more available for the expression. I mean, I can sit all day long and have my woman tell me about other people she's upset with. I have infinite capacity for that.

When she's upset with me, I, you know, I have slightly less capacity for that. And I have to then, I have to then do my work to, to stay open to it. So I think that's the advice I can give to women is, is offer the cleanest expression of your heart. That's as little about him as possible. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have a part to play in it, but start off with less about him and more about you. And you'll find the man is in most cases more available. I love that. I think that even applies to any relationship, you know,

Whether it's friendships, you know, it's work dynamics. It's like, if you can really make it about you and your experience. And I love, I always use the phrase, the story I'm telling myself, which is what you said to me. It's like, you know, the story I'm telling myself is that this doesn't mean something to you. And I know that's not true, but I think that's just so, so beautiful. And I can feel a man, you know, leaning into that. I always love security statements too, where it's like, you know,

You know, I love you so much and I love to spend time with you. And it's always felt like you prioritize me. And it didn't feel like this time that I was the number one priority. And that was kind of a story I'm telling myself. And, you know, so it's like, I think men love that too, where they're like, yeah, I am a good man and I am trying my best and I am doing those things. And then they can receive that little bit of feedback so much better.

So true. It's you used the, you used that security statements. I was thinking reassurance. So I think we're both saying exactly the same thing. It's yeah. Cause we don't want our, when somebody is disappointed with us, our abandonment wound gets triggered and all our disappointment, our dad had in us at times, all that shit gets triggered. So the more that you can reassure to kind of quell those and then bring in, here's the thing I really wanted to express. Yeah. I think it works, works so much better. I'm curious. So you were mentioning, um,

emotional connection previously, you know, and with women and sort of what happens when there's not a feeling of emotional connection. And I think about this a lot because I've always been curious about, um,

What do I want to say? So because I was thinking about my own experience. So in my own previous experience, I think in my relationship, I was looking for like a 24 seven emotional connection. Now I've been able to cultivate that relationship with myself and I need that connection less. But do you feel like the masculine, because they're so on the island, like you said, are able to fulfill the desire of a woman's emotional connection because it's so great?

Ask me that question in a different way because I didn't fully follow it. Yeah. So basically like the woman's emotional connection desire, I feel like is so constant that do you feel like the masculine can fulfill that desire all the time? Or do you feel like there's always going to be a place where the woman is looking for a deep emotional connection than the masculine can provide? It's like, will we ever reconcile this thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I think in general, the feminine is always going to want more than its presence. There's more and more. It feels so good. More. But it doesn't mean we're all hosed and that we, you know, our relationships are doomed. I think two things come up. One is.

you know, from a day to day basis, I think one of the pieces of structure that the masculine can bring is when he's available for connection and when he's not going to be. So if she's dying for, yeah, you're getting me. So I'll just verbalize it anyway. It's just, if she's dying for connection at three in the afternoon and I'm at work or he's at work, um, and he's not responding to her, that might be painful for her. He needs to make clear when he's available and when not. So I think masculine leadership is part of bringing that structure. Um,

And I think for us, there'll always be a differential in how much connection is needed, you know, on the average. And we just need to know that.

And the man needs to have his awareness on her emotional needs enough that when it's really needed, he can really show up, even though it's not going to be all the time and 24 seven. So that attunement to her to know when she really needs him or even the little things he can do, like it takes three seconds to send a text, you know, one line text busy, babe, but I am thinking of you love. You can't wait to come home and hold you. You know, I mean, even that's probably longer than it needs to be.

So his awareness needs to be, when can he inject little pieces of connection that don't take any time, but really buoy her and her emotional needs if she's in a needy space. So I think those are two ways that men can bring something to the table to deal with that gap that will always exist to some degree. Yeah. I love that because I think in the past for me, it's felt like, and I think for a lot of women, they struggle with this where they're

The attunement and that level of energetic connection is really hard. What I'm perceiving is hard to describe to the masculine where I would be in relationships with men where I'm like, I know when a man is with me from an attunement level, like I'm

it's so easy for me to tell her not like, and the way that I feel the comfort level that I feel when a man is attuned to me, he can do no wrong. He can not text me. He can not call me. He can do whatever he wants and I'm good. Like I am so fine. But once I feel that attunement kind of shift and that tends to happen in long-term relationships where it's, it just kind of, you kind of lose that direct attunement connection or I felt that experience. So it's been hard to describe that feeling to me. Is there a way that women can describe that sort of emotional connection or attunement to a man to, um,

um, elicit just a greater connection and understanding from them. Yeah. I think what you're asking me is, is can, how can women express, express this and be more successful in the expression? Yes. Yeah. It's, it's. Cause it's energetic. It's like, it feels like it's, I'm like, I'm you're attuned to me now, but not, it's like. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's, it's, I mean, my advice is a little bit the same, the, about a clean expression of it and a playful expression, you know, you can, I mean, you can get as playful as you can walk up to your man and grab his balls and say, I'm going to rip these off if you don't call me more, you know, and it's, it's joking and it's, it's playful. And I think it's,

It's around self-regulation enough that you're not coming out like a ball of flames and you can be playful in it and speak from the heart. And so I think those are all ways that men can be reached more easily is through play and through sexual innuendo and things like that that can make the communication so much more successful. Yeah, it does feel like I always think that play...

is the key to communication with men like and it it's even like yeah it's always been like almost frustrating for me because I know that's what's going to get me the result that I want the understanding that I want the opening that I want but sometimes I'm like can I just fucking say what I want at the same time so finding that balance has been a little bit challenging but um

I think there's this perception though, that women, because of our emotional experiences and the emotional range that we have, men perceive us as crazy. Men perceive us as like all over the place. Some men, some men want to find a woman that's

or more whatever. Can you talk about that desire from men and sort of what's happening there? Yeah. Yeah. Here's the, I don't know. I was going to call it funny, but it's not funny. It's not ironic, but yeah.

It's, you know, a man wants a woman who's radiant and expressive and fun and all of these things. And then the minute she acts a little crazy, he's like, what the hell? Well, guys, it's the flip side of the same coin. A woman that has a lot of life force that comes out in really cool ways and ways that are harder to deal with. So the first thing I say to guys is don't start wishing for an easier woman because that's the woman you're not going to be interested in.

you know, how can you learn to be with the fire, even when it's flying at you? How can you learn to be with the fire of your woman who, who's all those other qualities you love so dearly and it keeps it interesting. I mean, that's the situation I'm in. I've got a fiery partner and I've just made the choice. I'd rather learn to learn to ride the rodeo than to find a new partner that was easier.

Because easier is going to turn out to be less compelling. And so I'm out there in my work challenging men, men step up, learn, have the capacity for intensity to sit with the fire and respond relationally rather than the non-relational stuff that we do, like getting defensive and denying and going stony and all those things. And so that's...

That's how I'm trying to call men forth is build those capacities because you can. These are well-known dynamics. You're not the only one, guys. These aren't mysteries. And there's well-known patterns of why women act crazy. There's well-known things of what puts a woman in that state where it comes out like that. Will you explain some of those well-known reasons why? Yeah.

Yeah. If you, if your woman expresses something to you and you get defensive, try to talk her out of feeling that way. Or if you try to say like, you're, you're overreacting, like this is your way out of proportion. I mean, those things might be true, but that most, I would say 99 out of a hundred women are going to feel like they're the way they feel is being denied and invalidated. And that's going to, that's going to piss a woman off really, really fast. Yeah.

Now I'm generalizing, of course, but if when you are, your woman is making bids for connection and really, you know, like, how are you feeling? And he's like, yeah, I'm fine. You know, everything's good. Everything's good. Like when we hold our interstate inside, like a woman over time starts to feel very lonely and very desperate and desperate. A desperate woman looks a lot like a woman who a guy would call crazy. Those two things look the same.

because desperation is painful. Like, of course she doesn't want to feel like that. She doesn't want to feel alone in relationship. Like that's the, one of the most tragic things in the world. So I, I tell that to guys a lot. It's usually when they're acting that way, it's us evoking that because we're being not non-relational that's, that's, you know, nine out of 10 times, the cause is us being non-relational. And that 10th time is,

That's the, you know, the 10th time is where there's, there's maybe an actual problem. And then the woman is actually somebody who might need help, but nine out of 10 times, that's not the case. It's, it's us evoking that in there is what I found. I am stocked with my immunity essentials. It is cold season. You can hear, I got a cold from my son. It's inevitable, but I try to make sure that my immune system is as strong as possible to fight it off quickly and

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Yeah, it's such an interesting thing because I've kind of noticed that recently more so where there is a conversation on men wanting an easier woman, I guess, where it's like just kind of

What does an easier woman mean? It's like less emotional, less emotionally reactive, all of these things. And it's interesting because, you know, it almost seems like with men, they were kind of trained to be nice guys where that's almost easier, you know, to just be nice, to almost have no needs. And I've been in relationships with men who have been nice guys, have been

amazing, but it is, it was hard in the end because it was almost like they had no needs. And then that almost created no identity. Um, can you talk about that nice guy sort of mentality and, and, and just to say, it's, it's almost the most heartbreaking thing to me that, that men are sort of stripped of their own identity and preferences and experiences and needs and, and this like ability to be authentic because it's felt like they haven't been able to be

who they are and i don't know why yeah yeah there's there's lots of reasons why guys slide into that trap i mean this kind of laziness is one that doesn't get quoted a lot like it's just it's just easier underlined double click underline yeah you've experienced this oh yes yeah yeah we get lazy it's just like it's just easier i mean i have so many clients like this oh my gosh

So there's that laziness. There's fear that comes from their childhood. It wasn't okay to be who they were and have any needs. And so they, you know, like a common one I see is like the brother was really bad and got into lots of trouble. And so the little brother learned to never be like that. And okay, I'm just going to be good. By the way, that's my origin story. And I had a brother that was, you know, off the rails and I didn't want to be like him and got the treatment he got.

So, so those, as you said, those guys hide their needs and they think, they think it's a virtue. These, this easygoing guy syndrome, this really pisses me off. I'm just an easygoing guy. It's cool. And no, it's not cool. That's why it's driving your woman nuts. And you guys are fighting all the time. And I, and I, I mean, about a month ago, I had a couple in a, in a session and he just, I was trying to get him to see how his easygoing nature was, was pushing her away and she was about to leave. And, and,

Man, he was having a hard time seeing it. So guys, easygoing is not a virtue.

because I'll, what I'll, I'll tell you the whole arc of the relationship for the first year. It's great because she's like, Oh, this guy's so easy to be with. And there's never any fights until she gets tired of your absentee. You're just absent. And she's like, where are you? I can't even, there's no form there. And she, she wants to feel where you stand and what your needs are. So she knows how to orient relative to you. I mean, guys, this is so fundamental. So, um,

So I really come down hard on guys who tell me that they're just easygoing guys. And I think that's the path to marital bliss. So there's lots of reasons why guys go into that nice guy routine. And I think the core is, guys, it's going to get you the exact opposite of what you want. Exact opposite. So you got to learn to speak authentically and speak your real truth and speak the moment. And that's a lot of what I work with guys on. I love that. My head is about to fall off. I'm nodding so hard. Yeah.

Now it's like so funny because in my dating, so I was in relationship for 10 years. I was married and I've been dating since divorce. And it's been like one of the core tenants of what I'm looking for in relationship is someone that has like a backbone. They are. And it's actually been the most attractive to me when there is preferences, when there is opinions, when there is perspective shared and when they disagree and when they're like,

saying something when they're kind of like coming at me with things instead of being the nice guy. Like now the nice guy agreeable does everything I want, does everything I want to do is like so unattractive to me because it's, it feels unsafe. It feels jelly. It feels like, yeah, it is. It's like, where are you? Like, how can I trust you if you already are doing everything I say or doing everything that I want? Yeah. Yeah. It's so true. It's counterintuitive to the men, not to, not to you, you know, exactly what we're doing.

But for the men, they're like, oh, really? I don't get that. And that's, we want to wake them up to that fact. They want to, you want to be pushed back on a little bit in a, in an attuned way, not a, not an asshole, but in an attuned way. And yeah, that's, that's the art of it. Yeah. It's, it's, it's such an art. It is an art. It is an art. It's like,

I mean, I've even been in situations where there's situations where it's okay to say, shut the fuck up. Oh my God. One of my best friends. So funny. She's always like, I can't wait for my man to say, shut the fuck up to me. And it's like, we're joking, but she's like, I can't wait till he's like saying, shut up, sit down. Like just like where he's,

again, you know, we're joking, but it's like pushing up against on her so much that he's like, please let me lead. Please let me take control. Like, I love you, respect you. But like in this moment, like I'm the one that is like steering the ship. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's true. But most guys would hear that and they would run screaming. They're like, Oh my God, I'll get arrested if I say that. Yeah. Yeah. I have a, I have a, I shouldn't share this, but I can't help it. And I'll do it anyway. I had a moment like that recently. Yeah.

I can't wait. My woman, she, I forgot what the circumstances were, but she was really upset with me right before we went to bed, like really upset with me. But it was, there was a brattiness to the whole thing. And she's like, I want you to go out and sleep on the couch. And I said, no, you go sleep on the fucking couch. I'm sleeping right here. And I proceeded to fall right asleep. And I was, it just, it felt so right to both of us, ironically, because

And it's just like sometimes that brattiness needs to be met with. But let's let's put the butt in there. Number one, it requires a lot of safety between the two partners and a lot of trust and just a lot of a lot of like scaffolding that that has to. You cannot do that if those things aren't there. If they're not there, then this is a very bad way to go.

So it's, as we said, it's the art of it, but it needs a lot of trust in there. Yeah. I mean, goodness gracious. Like this whole dance is such an incredible art. Like it is like, and when you see a woman in it and when you see a man in it, it's like, there's really nothing like it. There's, and yeah,

now having the experience of looking back on my relationship and seeing sort of all the things that we were doing differently and sort of where we were falling into these patterns that were not serving either of us and patterns that a lot of women are in. And I wanted to talk to you a little bit about an experience that I see a lot of women in right now. You know, women, I'm asking for women because it's most of the audience where they are very in their power, where they are making good money, where they are in their careers, where they are

you know, managing a lot of the relationships from a friendship perspective, they are sort of like on their, on their stuff and not feeling like the men are meeting them there from a dating perspective or relationship perspective. Do you think it's like they need to date different men or find different men? Or do you think it's, and I hate to say this because I don't believe this to be true, but I'm not sure. Do they have to coach the men? What is, what do you think? Yeah.

Well, what you just asked was kind of the age old nature versus nurture question. You know, are they born that way or are they developed that way? And I think like other parts of life, it's, it's a little of both. Um,

you've got to find the right man out of the gate, or at least the man that he doesn't have to be perfect, but he's got to have that capacity. And that's where I think women, a lot of women do actually read the book. It's not just the men. And I get a lot that write me and say, oh my gosh, you gave me words to describe what I longed for. I just didn't know how to talk about it. And so women can use the book as a diagnostic tool, like take the blueprint. Does he seem grounded?

Does he seem like he has leadership qualities and does he seem capable of, is he aware of my level of emotional safety or the emotional connection between the two of us? And so I say, ladies, use the, use the book as a, or at least just the principles from the book as a diagnostic tool to make sure you pick a guy who's at least in the right zip code of, of, of these capacities. So that's one. And then two, you know, I wouldn't use the word coach him, but I would say, you know,

Gently and cleanly share your needs. And, you know, I, I, if, you know, you're, I don't know, just something simple, like trying to find a place to eat and he starts wavering a little bit, she can say, I would actually like you to decide and just rest.

That's one way to really stay on her side of the court and speak her needs without telling him what to do, which is where things often go off the rails. If it's an emotional need or maybe a frequency of communication, just speak her need.

uh with love with heart but with resolution about what she needs to feel safe in relationship not tell him what to do you don't have to coach him how to be just speak your own needs so i think between the two of those you both touch one touches the nurture or the other touches the nature but i think they're clean ways to do nature and nurture that's the advice that i think i would i would give

Yeah. Women reading your book. It's, I tell you being in this space, working with women for so long, I'm like, if it's one thing we're going to do, we're going to do the work for ourselves and we're going to do the work for others. Like almost all the time when we have men on to talk about this, it's always the women wanting to like do the work for the men, which is a problem in itself, but tale is old. It's time. I'd love to hear more about the masculine blueprint. I mean, and sort of where the impetus of this was coming from and yeah,

the principles behind it. And then would this masculine blueprint be only for men or would sort of kind of the ideas in it also be applicable for the masculine energy within women? Yeah. I'd like to refer to it as just the, the, these are energies. And so a woman that wants to adopt this, I mean, you might have a lesbian couple and therefore gender is not really the relevant thing. And it's more about orientation. Um,

But I will say my audience and everything I talk about is targeted at men who want to inhabit their masculine, who are with women who want to inhabit more of their feminine. So that's the frame I always talk about, but we can apply it anyway. Shit, now I forgot the question you asked me, Krista. Oh, no, it's basically what's the masculine blueprint? Oh, okay. Yeah, that's easy. Okay.

So the masculine blueprint is a framework for what I would would call a man inhabiting his masculine core, really anybody, but a man inhabiting his masculine core. It had to be a couple of things. One is actionable and understandable. That was super important to me. I didn't want to. There's a lot of esoteric woo woo stuff out there. I mean, I think.

David is so brilliant, but a lot of people would say he's pretty out there. And the guys are like, well, it sounded cool, but I have no idea what to do. So I wanted them to read it and know exactly what to do, or at least, you know, get close. And it needed to work in our modern world. No, we're not doing anything out of the 1950s. We live in a Me Too world. So it's got to work in that world, I think, to be relevant and useful.

The framework is called the masculine blueprint, and it has three elements. And so the first is respond versus react. So this is a quality of a man who is first and foremost, he's grounded. You know, his nervous system just feels subtle. And if you're around him, you can actually feel that, too.

And from that place of groundedness, there's a lot of spaciousness from which he can live out of intention and choice rather than out of reactivity or fear or self-protection or scripting or any of these things. And so he just feels very choiceful moment to moment. And then from that place of settledness and stillness and choicefulness, actually before I speak about from that place, I'll say...

The stillness is not stoicism. So it's not detachment or being shut down. Those are, these are two very different things in stillness. You can receive in stillness, but you still engage. You, you have a strong engagement, whereas stoicism is not that way. So we're not talking about stoicism here. We're talking about stillness. Men love to use stoicism. They're like, I'm being stoic. You're like, you're literally shut down. Yeah. And the, and the woman's like, ah,

This does not work for me. Literally, when a man's like, I'm stoic, I'm like, I'm good about all that. Yeah, it's like, see you later. Thanks anyway. Okay, so that's the first element is respond versus react. And so to help foster this, I work with men on having a different relationship to their emotions. And so I talk about emotions a lot, but through a masculine lens, right?

But the thing I talk about the most is embodiment practice and using it daily embodiment practice to really ground your nervous system and cultivate this capacity within you. So this was the topic of my whole second book, which is called The Art of Embodiment, because I feel so passionately about that topic.

So that's the first element. The second element is provide structure. So this is the quality of a man who's first and foremost, he's got inner clarity about what he wants, what he needs, his preferences, his needs, his boundaries, but also not just him, but also his partner too. And really anybody who's in his sphere, right?

He's able to be attuned to his partner and to know her, to know her needs and her wants and her boundaries already. He doesn't have to ask or, you know, have trial and error. He knows her so well because over time he learns this woman. So that's he needs to be very attuned to his partner. So what he can do is then fold in her needs from the start. So when he brings leadership into the relationship, he's already accounted for her needs. Now, it won't be perfect, but it's better than

be narcissistic or just doing what you want. That's not what we're talking about here. So it starts with inner clarity that then gets expressed externally as, as direction and structure and clarity in the world. Like this quality, he's always striving for clarity and forward movement on things. And this is where a lot of guys have started to abdicate in my, in our modern times. And just like, well, what do you want, babe? But just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. But yeah,

We know that being fully relational requires him to bring more of himself, more of what he thinks is right and more leadership in the relationship. It doesn't mean he's the only one. I mean, in my relationship, my woman brings a lot of leadership, but so do I. And so there's an interplay and a dance between the two of us. So leadership in relationship is the second element of this. The third element is create safety. We're talking about physical, financial, and emotional safety. And I don't...

I don't talk too much about physical and financial in the book. I'm save that for a sequel. Um,

But I do talk a hell of a lot about emotional safety and I try to get guys to understand like the degree to which she is open to you and relax with you is absolutely proportional to how safe she feels around you, how much trust and safety she experiences with you. And so it's not just following through on your word, but it's also making space for her expression, even when it's a little messy and, you know, validating her feelings and

creating some emotional resonance with her, not dropping her from your awareness. Like if you go off to your buddies for a golf weekend, like you don't, you don't ignore her all weekend. You don't let her drop out of your awareness because that's going to create a sense of loneliness in her. So all the things that men can do to build emotional safety.

and emotional connection with her. And so I work with guys a lot on that. And so that's the third element of the blueprint. So my message to guys is if you get grounded, if you lead more, and if you build emotional connection and safety, you will have an amazing relationship. You know, absent other factors, there's always other factors, but absent other factors, you're going to greatly improve the quality of your relationship just by embodying those three qualities. So that's the masculine blueprint.

That's beautiful. I think I'm curious too, that, you know, with the emotional safety, you know, I would even think that as a woman, if I have the emotional safety and the other two pillars, that the financial and the physical would be less important to me because I'd be having those certain needs met, but how like of the three safeties, the financial, the physical and the emotional, um, how do you see those interplaying with one another? Yeah.

Ah, let's see. I mean, all are forms of a guy's deep commitment. I'm going to take care of my woman. Yeah. I am going to take care of my woman. I'm going to take care of her heart. I'm going to take care of her physical body, i.e. safety. And I'm going to take care of...

her, I don't even know what words to use, but I'm going to make sure that financially I'm not being irresponsible. So the bottom doesn't drop out for the two of us. You know, I, I knew a guy, it was good dude, but he really wanted to be a filmmaker and a coach. And, um, he was at some point, his wife was like, dude, what is your plan? Because he wasn't making enough money. She was actually making more than him.

And he finally got the message that he needed to do the web development work that was his more profit-making vocation and do the filmmaking and the coaching on the side. But it was like a year or two of real pain between the two of them as he chased his dream. But he wasn't being responsible and she couldn't respect him.

It wasn't that they were going to be on the streets because she had a good job, but she couldn't respect him. And that's part of being a provider. So you're going to take care of your woman in that way of resources are never going to be depleted. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't mean you have to be rich. It doesn't mean you have to be wealthy. It means you need to be responsible with how you invest your money, how you make your money, how you grow your own skills so you continue to make more money and keep up with inflation and things like that. So, I mean, I think that's the thread that runs through all those is like this commitment. I'm going to take care of my woman. Now, how do I do that in each of these domains?

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Yeah, I think the financial, you know, is a safety in a sense, like your awareness of the, and I always think, you know, the woman, you know, from the way I've experienced it in my own life and the way that I desire to be in relationship, it's like, I am all in the realms of the spiritual, the mental and emotional. And then like, my man is like the master of the material realm. And part of that is an understanding of our financial situation.

our financial landscape, the way that we're going to operate and like a grounding in this actual 3D world. And I'm not saying that I make really good money. I do really well, but I would need a like grounded sense of awareness of where we're going, what we're doing, and the fact that you're going to take care of us. And that will be sort of like your role. But it has felt like that. I feel like in the space that I'm in, especially being with very powerful women, all the women that I work

and friends with and in my world and community almost all make more money than the men that they're with. It affects the relationship differently. You know, some it works and some it's totally fine and some it's really challenging. But for the ones that it does work, the way that it works is that the man is completely aware of that part of the dynamic and is in conversation and communication about how that's affecting them and how that's affecting the other. And they can sort of adjust their,

to make sure that it feels equitable between them and that they find polarity in other places. Yeah, yeah. I think...

Things that were coming up while you were talking is like, regardless of how each makes, just put that aside for one second for the man to have awareness around what are their financial resources and therefore how can we spend? Not that they're dictating that they're just putting structure to it. So there's clarity between the two of you. And so there's a lot of this financial safety that isn't about him making more and isn't about him dictating how they spend, but bringing clarity and structure to it as well. Um,

And then the other thing that came up for me is it's a little bit of the flip side. Guys can, they can over-identify with this provider role.

And they can start working their ass off and not bringing anything to the, to the relational space between he and his woman. And they're like, what are you talking about? I'm working on a hundred million dollar deals at work. And you're, you know, you're upset with me because I didn't hang the picture or I, you know, I didn't, I didn't call you or whatever it is. And I caution guys, don't over-identify with this and think that all you have to do is bring home the bacon and she should be happy with you because it's not enough.

I love that you said that. I've seen that happen many a time. And I'm like, what is actually driving them? Because when I think about that, I'm like, I don't know if it's actually their desire for the woman in the relationship that's actually driving it. But I sometimes think that they say that where they're like, no, I'm doing this for us or for the family or whatever. And it's like, is it really? Is your desire to have a billion dollar company for us, the family? Like, it's probably more so for your own.

egoic desire of whatever like i don't know of many women that are like interested in that that sort of thing so i think that's a really powerful point even though i do feel for men and in that way where you know they're kind of in that provider or i feel for men in the way that um

They're led to believe from like a consciousness level that we do desire a lot of money or we do desire those things, but it's really more of the connection and the emotion is for the women that I know. Yeah, it's so true. I think that I know lots of CEOs that are awesome husbands and dads.

So don't let's not, you know, guys, don't give me this spiel that, you know, your work is so important. Therefore you can't do X, Y, and Z. You can find a way to do X, Y, and Z. You can, I guarantee it. Hey, you don't got to tell me. I was talking to a friend yesterday who was saying her husband works or her boyfriend, potentially husband works so much. He's working all the time and she's looking for more connection. And she's now in the place where

at first it's like, you know, kind of like the, oh, I want more, I want more. And now it's like, she's cold. And now it's in that cycle of her being angry and then him not wanting to be with her because she's angry. And it's kind of that type of dynamic where he's now wanting to avoid more and wanting to work more. And I've seen this happen with so many different women, but yeah, he's like, I have to work for us. I have to work for the family. And it's like, what are you, is that like, what, how is it?

for a woman who does so much as like a, you know, we're so multidimensional to hear a man be like, oh, I can't work and like make a relationship work is like so frustrating. You're like literally not that hard. Yeah. It's, it's,

It's lazy. I mean, you know, we talked about laziness before. This is just another form of that. This is a podcast that I like. Lazy. Men called lazy twice. Yeah. You could do a whole podcast on that probably just on that one topic. Yeah. It's lazy. And, you know, these men need to be shown the way. This is why men need other men.

to push them so their woman isn't the one pushing them. It's another man that's calling him out of like, dude, your wife is on the edge of walking out on you. And all you can do is focus on your work. Like you need to step up, brother. And that's where other men can help guys see their own folly of their ways. So when you say that, and I could be experiencing it wrong, what I perceive is that men will come together and still make the woman the problem.

and sort of gang up and and you know there's nothing wrong with being validated when i'm with my girlfriends most of the time they're validating me but the friends that i have with now are usually giving the different perspective but most unconscious men are together validating the experience of the man so

How can a man find, you know, men that are going to like call him to call him forward? You've got, yeah. I love the distinction you made because there's kind of like, like I have friends who are just bro friends. You know, we go, we watch the game, we drink beer, we talk about some stuff, but we don't get deep. We don't self-introspect. We don't call each other out that much. Then I have other friends who are men of depth. So I love that you've made the distinction for me here.

Yeah. I, I'm encouraging men to find other men of depth in an, in an intentional container, which is usually a men's group. And then there's that intention to actually call each other out and not just be like, Oh bro. Yeah. My wife's bringing me down. She just complains all the time. That's different. And so I, I encourage all guys find a men's group. That's men of depth that will push you and reflect back to you. It's invaluable. Yeah.

I think for many men and many women, we haven't necessarily seen relational dynamics that have been sovereign and healthy and fulfilling and joyful and all of the things that the new templates are sort of bringing and all the ways that they're coming online now. And I do feel like for men, I don't know if a lot of them know that it's possible to be in a relationship with a woman that is

it is supportive and is like all the things that they're wishing. So it does feel like there is this almost like acceptance of the status quo of the dynamics that exist. And I don't know if they know that it's possible to have the relationship that they could have. Yeah. Yeah. The resignation, I'm just going to speak for the men because the women feel this too. And at the same time, but for men, they're just like, I can't do anything right in her eyes. And that's,

You know, again, just focusing on the men for a second. Oh, it's like seeing a dog chained into the backyard that never gets let out or walked or anything. It's just sad that these guys are so resigned to this situation that is just so much less than what is possible. And, you know, like, hopefully I'm a voice out there showing guys, no, guys, it doesn't have to be like that. It doesn't. You just...

Master a few dynamics, build a few capacities within you. And you're going to see that evoke a lot different dynamic in your relationship because more is possible. Yeah.

And then as far as sexual leadership with men and the masculine, do you feel like men have to master it outside of the bedroom first and then move to the bedroom? Or what would be the dynamic between using the masculine blueprint in their life and then applying it to the bedroom? How do you see those playing? I think you got to start outside the bedroom first. You can't be lame outside the bedroom and then go in the bedroom and think you're going to lead your woman. I mean, yeah, I mean, it might work once in a while, but at the more...

macro level of your relationship. No, it's not going to work. And so I think a great aphrodisiac is, is when a woman feels safe enough to surrender under her man's lead, like that's sexy. And then you start to bring it into the bedroom where you start leading in the bedroom more. And, and, uh, uh, this is one of my favorite topics to talk about sexual leadership. I'm doing a workshop on this in October in San Francisco, um, because I'm so passionate about the topic and, and,

It's fun work that guys can do when they start to bring their own power into the bedroom and, and learn how to bring a little bit of, a lot of guys bring the light and the love and caring, but I'm going to bring a little darkness with that light. And, you know, that combination, I think is a really unbeatable one in terms of sexual polarity. Yeah. I mean, it's what most women crave. You know, I think that's, what's been so interesting to witness. I think

as I've gotten older is, you know, moving out of like the nice guy as like the most attractive and reading some of the work that I've studied. And even some of like Jordan Peterson's work where it talks a lot about how women actually crave a lot of that darkness, you know, as exemplified in beauty and the beast or like their desire for the werewolf or the vampire or all of these things where women actually want a little bit of that. I could kill you, but I choose to not. And like that sort of darkness is something that we, we really crave, but like,

I think though, that seems like it's such a next level nuanced understanding of energy that it seems like you'd have to be pretty like to a one level to be able to practice it. Yeah. Yeah. It's the most vulnerable place is sexuality for both you and us, you know?

it's vulnerable for us to bring a strong lead in sexuality. The risk of being rejected or in some ways is so great. And then for you, it's a, it's a risk of safety feeling safe in your body. But yeah, but it's also the juiciest, you know? Yeah. It's a two Oh one class. Maybe it's a three Oh one class. But damn, it's the most fun. We all know that. And so when you, when a guy can really bring that darkness good,

it's darkness governed by the light. That's how I like to describe it. And bringing one or the other by itself is not, is not good. All the light is boring. All the darkness turns into misogyny and sexual abuse. And so it's the combination, which is so juicy for both partners. Beautiful. Yeah. I think just the last point on that, like, I think when we said like the men have to cultivate it outside the bedroom, then in the bedroom, it's,

You know, it's been nice in my experience because I think I've actually been able to find my surrender and my most softness and my feminine in the bedroom. And that's helped teach me outside of the bedroom how to be. And it's almost like the men have cultivated this outside, which has created that safety inside the bedroom for me to be able to practice that. But it's felt like that's been the softest container for me to experience like my most true surrendered feminine. Mm-hmm.

I love hearing that. I love hearing that. Yeah. It's, it's, it's a vulnerable place to do it. So it's, it's awesome that you have found that in the bedroom. It's beautiful. It's the best. Um, what would you say just as a last thing for women that are listening today, you know, um, that are in the dating world that are looking to find a conscious man and find a man that will hopefully meet them in all of their, in all of their femininity. Yeah. Um,

Well, what comes up for me is something that I've already said. And, you know, to the degree that you can, ladies, you know, look past the biceps and, you know,

look for a man that can meet your needs relative to the blueprint and again i just recommend using it as a diagnostic tool if he's if he's grounded and settled that relationship has way more potential than one with a guy who's you know he's just he's like he's just a little too fast and you know he's very he feels very reactive even you'll you'll be able to sense it even if it's a first second third fourth date where there's not you're not going to be a fight happening you're

you can still sense a guy that he doesn't have a lot of that gap between stimulus and response. And so stay away from those guys that don't have that gap and they're just sort of instantaneous because the minute you guys start fighting, which is inevitable in relationship, that's going to be a bad foundation for him to operate from. Does he lead? Can you feel his natural leadership? And does he seem to have a...

sense of the emotional flows of life. I think that's the advice I would give any woman of any age, quite frankly. Beautiful.

Beautiful. This has been so much fun. I'd love to share where people can find you and sort of where they can connect with your work. They're mostly women. And so they're going to be doing all the research for themselves and their partner. Yeah. Well, the easiest way to get to know my work is just get on Amazon and order the book, Kindle, hardback or paperback and audio.

But gsyoungblood.com, you can see all of the information about my coaching. I have both one-on-one and group coaching. My bootcamp program, which is a live online program I do with guys, like 10 guys at a time. We go through an eight-week process. You'll see information about the workshop. So ladies, if you want to send your man, we're going to do the leading in the bedroom workshop for guys in October in San Francisco.

And YouTube and Instagram have lots of videos of me talking about various things. If this video wasn't enough to get to know my work. So that's how you can find me. So appreciate sending your man along to check out some of the work on those places.

The men don't even know, but they're about to get sent to camp. Exactly. Their homework is about to begin. This has been so amazing. And I'm so grateful for your work in this conversation and just like all the ways that we could go. I'm excited to be more acclimated with your work even more soon. And I really appreciate you hanging with me today. Yeah, thank you. It's fun for me and I appreciate you having me on. Awesome. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Have a good one.

Thank you so much, GS Youngblood. Again, that's gsyoungblood.com. The book is The Masculine in Relationship and the Art of Embodiment for Men. And we have other episodes on the masculine feminine dynamics with folks like John Wineland. If you want to search for those, we'll also put those in our show notes. You can go to omas30.com to learn more about the show and follow us on Instagram at omas30podcast. Same on TikTok. I am on Instagram at lindsay76.

And you can find me on Instagram at itskrista. All right, y'all. We'll see you on the next one. Bye. Bye.