740. Why Nice Isn’t Always a Good Thing: Aaron Doughty on Empaths
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Welcome to the Almost 30 Podcast. I'm Lindsay. And I'm Krista. And we're your hosts, guides, and friends on this path. Almost 30 is not about your age. It's about the feeling. All of us are almost something, seeking community and resources to support the rumblings of transformation within us. Our conversations are deep dives, shepherded by our insatiable curiosity and desire for connection, enduring inspiration, and a sense of levity that we can all benefit from.

We're looking to find the magic in the human experience. Buckle up, baby. Your evolution is waiting. Hello and welcome to Almost 30 Podcast. Hi, everybody. How are you? Welcome to the show. It's Lindsay. It's Krista. If you're tuning in on YouTube, hello, I'm looking into my camera. Yeah, tuned in, tapped in, turned on.

Dude, close-ups. I'm like... The pressures of being on camera is unparalleled. I was saying, I literally got a freaking haircut this morning at 9 a.m., so my hair looks halfway decent for shooting this week. But I was saying to him, I'm like, dude, the moment we went on video, you just can't look back. Yeah, my nightmare. It's just everything changes. You got to get ready. Yeah.

Women do not get away with what men get away with on like video, podcast, slash content. So, you know, we shouldn't have gone it. We shouldn't have. That's what it is. We shouldn't have transitioned back. I know I miss being on the closet floor just being little ragamuffins. Like it's, you know, and of course I could just not wear makeup and show up. But dude, you think it's a good idea because I've done that before. Like I think last time we recorded, I had just gotten this like,

salmon sperm facial and my face was all crazy and I was like, whatever dude, but then in a month I'll be like, oh man, that's gonna live forever. The choice you make in that moment to get ready or not lives forever. I know. That's what it is. Today I'm really excited about this conversation I had with Aaron Dowdy. We went for like two hours. It was so much fun. Aaron is good friends with a lot of my friends in Los Angeles and he is a YouTuber. He is a creator. He does live events and

And he's someone that has like a few million on YouTube. He's been teaching about detachment, surrender, magnetism, empath stuff for a while. And I just love how he rolls. I love his content. I think we just had such a great, great conversation. So for my spiritual...

girlies and my personal development people, this is going to be a great one for you. One of the topics that we talked about was empaths, like being an empath, being someone that's sensitive and codependency. We talked about the nice guy, like that archetype of the men that is the nice guy. We talked about dating and detachment, how to detach to actually get what you want and how to surrender to get what you want.

And then we just had like a good old time just kind of like talking about life and his journey and his story of growing up in a pretty hard situation in his life and how he healed it. And now he eventually teaches a lot of the things that he went through. I always wonder like when you have...

you know, a successful YouTube channel. Like what that feeling is with like, I mean, obviously we have, you know, we got our successful pod, but I don't know. YouTube's like a different world. I think the fandom is different too. I agree with that. I think the way that people are YouTube fans is just, it's what's interesting to me about YouTube is that someone like Emma Chamberlain can thrive being someone who's making soup for 25 minutes. And then someone else like Mr. Beast is like,

creating Squid Games again. Yeah. And donating $20 million. And it's like, how is it the range? The range is insane. Of effort is so crazy. My dad finds like the most random ass. He likes to wind down with YouTube on the TV.

And he found this family, I think in like Peru, that like they have a whole YouTube channel where they don't speak, but they just show their daily life. It is the most relaxing thing I've ever watched in my life. And so beautiful because they're like, they're working with the land. They're making their own food. They're like just the whole thing. So simple, so beautiful.

And it's like the sounds of cows in the background, the like wind chimes. Like it is the most relaxing thing. So yeah, just to add to the range. Oh, I love that. Yeah. See, that is so fascinating. It's so fascinating too because the perception is that the people in Peru would want to live the life that we live in the West, but it's actually the opposite. Yes. The people in the West want to live on that farm in Peru. Totally. And want to live that simple life. I found this channel the other day.

of this guy who goes to all over America to places that people don't normally go. So like Skid Row, this area in San Francisco, he went to the poorest part of America, which is in West Virginia and or like the deep, deep South or like the really rich South, like all over America at all these places. And it's so wild to discover America in that way. And I just have loved it. Like I love

how he talks to random people. I love seeing behind the scenes. Like we kind of focus so much on LA and New York and Austin and, you know, kind of like those specific cities, but to really see other aspects of America and the people in it is so fascinating. A hundred percent. I love it. Have you ever seen the great white underbelly? Yeah. Yeah. It's intense, but I only watch, I can only watch like three episodes. It's too dark. Yeah. I agree. I remember there was like a moment where I was watching a few of them and then

There was a 14 year old who had like a pimp that she had been. It was just like, I'm good on all that. Oh man. I'm good. Like, but I do think it's, it's,

fascinating and admirable to give those people kind of that ability to tell their story. That humanity. Yeah. I thought it was also interesting too. So this guy named Mark, he was, who does Soft White Underbelly, which is a channel that interviews people living in Skid Row. So they're addicts of fentanyl, meth, they're pimps, they're prostitutes, they are gambling, you know, they're all these types of people. And they're

He'll interview them and so you'll learn about their story, which is just fascinating and so interesting. So he tried to help one of these women that was a prostitute and he got her like an apartment and tried to like save her. And she eventually started to like use that apartment for her pimp and like eventually left and like got back into her life. And for me, that just showed...

almost like the thing where like a diet can't fix your life. It's like, if you're not fixing your mental process and your subconscious beliefs about your life and what's possible, you're never going to survive in a safe environment where you like could be in a home. Like you won't feel worthy. You won't feel enough. It won't feel safe. Like your pimp is probably your safe spot. So it was just fascinating because it's such a

Such an example of how our mind and sort of our belief of what's possible creates us, creates what's possible. A hundred percent. Well, I'm excited about this one. Oh yes. It'll be so good. It's going to be so good. I'll let you guys cruise and get into it. So much fun. So I want you guys to find Erin's,

on YouTube and Instagram for more information. We'll definitely be doing another conversation soon. So he is at Aaron Dowdy. It's A-A-R-O-N-D-O-U-G-H-T-Y-4-4 on Instagram. And then Aaron Dowdy on YouTube. He has almost 2 million subscribers on YouTube. And then he has his courses and programs. And I just find him to be great and a great, great, great teacher. Very vulnerable and real. I'm excited for you to listen. Amazing.

We love you guys. Thank you so much for subscribing to the pod. We have new episodes every single week. And if you want just a little dose of almost 30, maybe to start your day, just in between all the things that you're up to, you can listen to morning microdose. That's our clip show. And final thing I'll plug is our book, baby. You can pre-order almost 30, a definitive guide to a life you love for this decade and beyond right now. It is out in June.

but you want to pre-order because we have some really, really special things for you if you are some of the first to get the book. I'm really excited. This book I'm so proud of. If you've listened to the pod ever and you know Lindsay and I, this is like...

literally our life's work on paper. Like it is like $30 for like my teachings and your teachings over the past 10 years of our life and some of the greatest speakers and teachers and authors and guests that we've had on the show, just like in one combined space. So I'm excited for you guys to get it. Love you very much. Follow us on YouTube and Instagram and TikTok. We're

We're going to be revamping social this year. So I'm excited to bring you new, fresh content and things that can help and elevate your life and your experience. You can find me on Instagram. It's at, it's Krista. It's I-T-S-K-R-I-S-T-A. And I'm at lindsaysimsic, S-I-M-C-I-K. All right. We'll see you on the other side. See you soon. Bye. Bye.

I put Mav to bed the other night and I sat down and I made myself a little elixir with one of Apothecary's herbal remedies. And y'all, I feel like I'm a little barista or like bartender with these herbal remedies. I recently talked to the founder, Shizu, of Apothecary and we just, we jammed and I was just so fascinated by the origins of this brand and like how powerful herbs are.

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And it's been pretty remarkable what they found. 96% of participants in this one study would continue to take Bluebird daily after the completion for the three-month study period. 82% of participants experienced better mental clarity and less brain fog through the day after taking Bluebird for three months. 80% of participants felt like they had more energy for working out after three months of taking Bluebird. So pretty phenomenal. And this is just herbs.

And it's incredible. So if you want to try Apothecary, highly recommend. Use the code ALMOST30 at checkout. When you go to apothecary.co, you'll get 15% off. Use the code ALMOST30. That's A-P-O-T-H-E-K-A-R-Y.C-O. And use the code ALMOST30. Enjoy.

Okay, we just moved and we made sure to grab all of our Our Place products. We have cookware, we have appliances. It's so important to me that I have my cookware immediately when I move. Moving can be so disorienting, but if I have my cookware, I'm good. Why do I love Our Place and why have I been using it for, I would say like four years, five years now? Yeah.

maybe five or six years, definitely when I was in LA, I got on the bandwagon and I have not jumped off because this is non-toxic kitchenware and appliances, non-toxic, healthy, sustainable, beautifully designed. Sometimes I'll just keep it like on my like stovetop because it's so gorgeous and they have just withstood like so much cooking. I cook all the time. They are PFAS free and

versus so many pans and cookware in the industry. So I really trust this brand. I also adore some of their appliances. So we have the Splendor Blender. My husband wanted a new blender. I was like, oh, I got you. I'm ordering from our place right now. It's really gorgeous, but also has a thousand watt motor and super sharp blades.

So he's getting his smoothie on and loves it. I also adore their Dream Cooker. This is an all-in-one multi-cooker that makes cooking truly...

A dream. It is so easy. I am rocking it in the kitchen. So I'm really excited for you all to try our place and just outfit your kitchen. Go to fromourplace.com and enter the code almost 30 at checkout to receive 10% off site-wide. That's fromourplace.com. The code is almost three zero. Our place offers a hundred day trial with free shipping and returns. Right. It's like, why? I think also too, um,

I'm still metabolizing in life that you can be really direct and clear and be loving. Right. And yeah, maybe that's the best, maybe that's the most loving thing you can do is to actually convey the seriousness or the importance of something that maybe isn't in the nice, you know, format. How do you give feedback? Like what's your vibe? I'm so, I work on that too because, um,

It's kind of like, I, it's a balance of needing to trust people on my team to do things. But then when I know I only noticed the flaws, everything else should be done correctly. So I only noticed the flaws. So I sent a thing out to my operations person today or a couple of days ago and said, listen to it on Monday. Cause they don't work, they're not working the weekends or whatever. But it was like, I kind of like, I was like, did I, was I too harsh? Because I made a loom video where I broke down, like, why isn't this done? Why isn't this done? Why who dropped the ball here? And

The reason what that happened was because my operations person also works for one of my other businesses and her salary is like split. So during this other launch thing over here, she didn't, she dropped the ball, like she dropped the ball. And also she, I gave, I'm starting to give her more permission to hire people, hire someone that does this, but it wasn't done. So she took ownership of it. And I was like, listen, I'm sorry. I know this comes out like I'm frustrated, but you got to understand in my mind, I pass it on to you. Your job is to manage your job. You don't have to do it.

but you need to manage it. So you need to hold people accountable and manage because that's what your role is. Yes. And I said it kind of like that. And then she, she's like, I'm sorry. That was my bad. I had a lot going on over here. It's not an excuse, but also now that I gave her permission to basically hire some higher one or two people, like you have permission to, and cause what I hate is the bottleneck of, they have to ask every little thing to you. Hey, this person's salary. Hey, this person's this, this person's that. And I'm like,

Decision fatigue, decision fatigue, decision fatigue. So I want to trust them. But at the same time, then I get in there and a whole bunch of things are fucked up. Yeah. And then I get frustrated. And then they're scared again. And then it's a cycle. Yep. And I talked to Sahara about this because you kind of have to accept that some things are going to get fucked up. Yeah. And no one's going to do, if they can do it 80% as good as you, that's good enough. Yeah.

Because that allows you to have 100% more, you know, a whole bunch more energy over here. Yeah. And that's where I'm at right now. I'm like, well, no one's going to write emails as authentic as me because it's me. Yes. No one's going to like pick the right YouTube thumbnails and no one's going to know my audience. What if they lose like the vibe of my brand and authenticity because they're going for clickbait views? Yeah. Which is something in the past like it was more clickbait focused, which I don't, I regret. So it's all of these, all of these layers, you know, but it's like you have to. Totally.

I think our job as visionaries is to set the vision, to set the frame, and to... But also, I think it's good to have a high standard because if you let people on your team that don't have a high standard get by, it signals to the five other people, oh, this is okay. It's okay to slap dick around and not focus. That's okay. And I just always think, especially for you, and I think for me too...

If I, if my younger self would have known that I could have done, worked with me or worked with you as a job. Yeah. What do you mean? Dream, dream. Right. To work in a space that growth and spirituality and creativity with someone. I'm like, this is like a dream job for so many. And I want someone, I think that's been my desire that my friends push back with me on and then we can roll. But it's like, I'm always like,

I want someone to literally have working with me be their dream job. And it's not like working with me as a guru, but it's working in this doing what I do in the way that I serve as like their dream to like help people in this way. And sometimes they're like, oh, you shouldn't expect that. Like, I'm like, no, that's like,

what I, I really want that. Well, if I think also the way that you convey that to people, like my dream is to help as many people as possible to do X, Y, Z. And then I think if you keep hammering that in, you'll attract people that also have that vision. Yeah, that's true. Like I know when I do live events, um,

like I'm doing one this weekend and when I do it, we, we always have past guests. We put out like a people to come as volunteers. Yeah. I get more volunteers than I can even manage because people just want, people just want to be a part of something. Yes. You know what I mean? Like they just, they just want to be a part of it. They come for free. Yeah. I've had people fly in from different States. Yeah. To come to the event and then help. Wow. You know, it happens like one event I did in LA last year. Um,

I had, it was a 300 person live event in Glendale and we had like 25 volunteers and like 10 of them travels from different States. Yeah. And they came and they worked the entire event and they love, they feel so much meaning, you know? And it's not just to like talk to Aaron and I don't have time to, I can't pander there. I'm not just there to like coaching them, you know? I just say thank you. That's my favorite when you have people that are like that, get it? Like one of my, on my retreats, my girls that I coach, they like, they like don't talk.

talk to me because they know we get our time and then I need time with the other girls. So like, we'll be at the gym and they'll be there. They're like, Hey, what's up? And they'll totally just cruise and do their own thing. I'm like, dude, this is the best. And sometimes you can set that frame too. A hundred. Hey guys, just so you know, my energy, like my energy and my focus. Can you guys support me and having my energy be top shape when I'm on stage? And then in between just like guarding my energy, kind of like helping me with boundaries, you know, because it

it at live event with 300 people they're like i have to set that frame otherwise people come up not just volunteers but people come up to me hey here and here's my book here and i just want you to know hey and then i'm like i'm like okay go do the group work i'm gonna like take a five minute rest my voice thing totally you know what i mean mine's like hey i want to tell you about this like traumatic thing that happened

Right. Yeah. When I first saw your video, like, oh, I went through a divorce, whatever. You know what I mean? You're like, okay, great. It's funny because, and this is even, we can moving into the empath stuff, you know, back in the day,

I used to, they used to take me down. You know, someone telling me a story about, um, their life or something that happened to them. I would completely get there, match energy, start crying, start fully feeling and processing everything they were doing. And thank God that now people could tell me anything. And I'm like, totally, I'm holding space. I hold compassion, but I just don't attach to it. Right. And, and getting out of that frequency, um,

is 100% one of the only ways that I've been able to expand. Yeah. Because I was just matching, going, matching, going. And now it's like, I see it so clearly with people who,

that want to go big, that want to be on stage, that want to be in their power, that like if they're energy matching, they're never going to be able to do it. Right. Yeah. With empaths, what do you see as like their biggest struggle and the thing that really holds them back from being in their power? The biggest thing that holds many people back that are empaths is the fact that they're tuning to other people in a way in order to get their own needs met.

but they're not aware that that's why they're doing it. So it's like if you're an empath, you can feel other people's energies. You're very often like, you know, going into environments and you're asking yourself, is it safe? Is it safe for me to be here? And if there's tension and you identify tension anywhere, you've got a radar to where you can tell if there's tension or not. And then you tune to it and then you think it's your responsibility to fix. And that's the challenge.

So I want to double click on that because I think empaths feel like they're being nice and they're being sweet and it's them caring. What's that fine line of the empathy versus them just attuning to feel safe? Yeah.

The difference is in the intention behind it. So if someone is trying to be nice, trying to be nice is an attachment to how someone perceives them and also in its attachment to wanting to ease their tension, ease their pain.

When you are being kind, which is different kind, there's no attachment. You're being kind because it's who you are. And when you're being it because it's who you are, there's no attachment to outcome. If someone is the thing. Here's the thing also that a lot of people that are nice or people pleasers is I'm being nice. I'm being nice. But if it's not reciprocated, if the person doesn't respond positively, they get really triggered. Oh, my God. So

So true. But they're triggered because there is an attachment to the outcome. So true. Yeah. It's funny because you can see that with people like I was being so it's that's so funny because it's always so wild to me. And I'm not saying I've never not done this in my life. You know, I probably have at some point. But when someone is being nice and then someone doesn't reciprocate and they flip and you're like, whoa. Yeah. Like what is.

What is that whole flip about? Right. Like the whole personality change. Yeah. But I think for, for many empaths, I would say, I'm curious to your thoughts on this. Most empaths are women. Yeah. And most empaths are women that get taken advantage of because of how much they care. Right. By society or by men or by others. Yeah. Would you agree?

I think it's very often definitely more of a feminine trait, I guess, to be able to tune to their environment for relational dynamics in general. There is probably more of a stigma around narcissists and men and the masculine and then empaths being feminine. There definitely could be that, I guess, kind of like label to the stereotype, I guess you could say. Totally. Yeah.

But the thing to look at with that too, is anytime someone says like, this person is nice, how do they say it? Right. They're like, Oh, he's nice. Right. It's never like, and like, Oh, Oh, well that person, well, they're nice. So true. Okay. That's, that's someone, some man this weekend called me cute and he's like, Oh, she's cute. I'm like that. Goodbye. That is my, that is my nightmare phrase. Do not call me cute. He's like, Oh, she's

cute. I'm like, kittens are cute. I'm not cute. Yeah. That's like the same with nice. Don't call me nice. Don't call me cute. Yeah. It's almost a disrespectful. Oh, this person's nice. Being nice is inauthentic.

because it's attached to outcome. Being kind is not inauthentic. Being kind is an end of itself. Being kind because it's who you are. If someone reacts in a negative way, it's okay because this is who I am. I am a kind person. But being a nice person is being a manipulative person. To be nice is to be manipulative, right? I want to manage everything

But I feel safe when I manage your emotions and when you don't feel tension. So I'm going to be nice. And by plain being nice, I will ease your tension. And once I ease your attention, I will feel good about myself.

So in a way, being an empath or a people pleaser is a way of manipulating the environment in order to get their inner needs met. Now, that is something that we can hide behind. People will hide behind, I am nice and I am a good person. One of the biggest shadow aspects I noticed for people to really grow, if you're an empath or a people pleaser or whatever, is lean into being bad.

Because here's the thing, as a kid, it was bad to stand up for yourself. It was bad to assert yourself. It was bad to be vulnerable. It was bad to express yourself. It was bad to have needs. So what happens is because it was bad to do all of those things, we associate, I will not be bad, I will be good.

I will be good. To be good means I will ease the tension in the family. I will ease the tension in you. I will be who you need me to be so I can mitigate your emotions and that I can feel good about myself. So really, the niceness is a toxic pattern that's rooted in trying to manipulate the environment

And that stems from the childhood trauma, but also the thing that you can grow the most from is lean into being bad. Lean into expressing your emotions. But I'm not saying bad like being a narcissist because this is the thing. Empaths

what I believe is empaths or people that can feel other people's energies, as kids, they had someone in their life that played the villain archetype, right? This person's controlling, this person's bad. The fear is that if I express any emotion whatsoever, I'm gonna turn into this bad villain.

The archetype, right? So, but the thing is, is having any needs whatsoever or actually expressing how you feel or expressing the boundary, the moment you express it a little bit, are you going to turn into a raging narcissist? Of course not. But that's the fear. The fear is this person caused me pain when I was a kid and this person was controlling and assertive. Now, the thing too, though, is the power. A lot of times people that are either narcissistic or controlling are

They, they, it's a toxic form of power, but it is power. Yes. Oh yeah. So what happens is people that are empaths or people that can feel other people's energies, they suppress their own power because they associate it as bad, but it's still power nonetheless. So the power is in embracing the bad parts of yourself that you didn't allow yourself to feel. And what you end up doing is you end up realizing that

That you can let go of the nice guy, good girl, good boy persona. And what happens is then you start being authentic. And when I integrated this into my life a few years ago, I went through a whole phase where I became aware that there were so many dynamics in my life that were out of balance. And I had to like basically express myself authentically to a few different people. And I remember doing this. There was like, there was fear there. There was afraid of getting like causing tension and whatever.

I remember though, I had those conversations and I had to stand in my own frame and I did. And what it resulted in

was respect. For the first time, there were people in my life that I could tell respected me because I held a frame with them and I expressed how I felt and I didn't waver my frame and I wasn't doing it to get a specific result. I was doing it because this is who I am and this is how I feel. And after I started to embody that more and more and set boundaries easier or like it got easier the more I did it, I realized that

This not dark side of me, but in a way there was like an embracing of that side that I hadn't allowed myself to feel. And that's when a whole new level of power came within me. That's when I became more assertive in my life. That's when polarity balanced out and like women I would date. It was like a completely different energy because no longer was I just the guy that's on my purpose. That's in my masculine. I was also somebody that was in a masculine frame that was able to convey that

myself in an integrity and integral way, but express it in a way that was like there was no attachment to outcome. Totally. I think, you know,

There's so much that you said that I want to talk about. And I was like processing some things in my own life while you were talking. So a lot of what I'm saying is not fully baked. But the thing that you kind of landed on at the end that was almost at the opening at the beginning is around the nice guy. And it's so funny because that used to be my comfort zone was nice guys. It was just guys that were so nice that went, we're chill, go with the flow, like da-da-da-da. And now that is my nightmare. Like I do not want the man that is like,

loved by all, accepted by all, like just easy breezy, go with the flow, da da da da. Like I want a man with a frame and like an opinion and a perspective. And it's funny because I always notice myself whenever I'm kind of

Yeah.

And I'm just kind of feeling into like the love of that energy where even if I don't agree with you, you're still going to stand firm in what you believe and why you believe it. Right. Is such a more safe feeling than being with someone that agrees with everything that you say. Yeah. But do you feel like that is because, and I'm curious because this relates to your polarity thing.

Do you feel like I'm able to be attracted to that because I've integrated that part of my shadow? And before when I was wanting someone to be a nice guy, it was because I was also in that energy or what do you think that is? I think that the way that you're,

relating to masculine energy is probably changing. When you think of masculine energy, think of it kind of like a rock. It has gravity. It is not moving very much. It knows who it is and it's a solid rock. Women or the feminine energy tends to gravitate around the rock. It's more airy energy. It's gravitating around the rock. Now imagine if the masculine energy is a rock that's floating around

It puts the woman's orbit into chaos, right? Because it's constantly having to tune and also because the rock is tuning to this over here, this over here, this over here, it doesn't feel safe. So what happens is when you listen to these people and they're very grounded in who they are, there's a certain thing that you're attracted to that even just that energy. And it's because it's grounded and that feels safe and that safety allows you to relax.

Because whether you agree or disagree, you know what that is. With a nice guy or somebody that's a people pleaser, you don't know what they're really feeling at all.

Because it changes based on your mood. It changes based on your energy. And the thing is, though, is I think a lot of times people that attract nice guys or I mean, there's men that can attract nice people, please your girls as well. So it's kind of a similar thing. But there's almost a lot of times I think of fear around masculine energy in general. So it's safer than the being bulldozed

by a masculine figure growing up or a masculine figure that you may relate to later in life, but it's safer than that. So the challenge with that though, is there's normally not much polarity. Yes, 100%. Right? So there's a polarity challenge because nice, it's hard to be attracted to someone that's being nice because you don't know where they stand. Totally. And this can happen for, I've dated women before that also similar, like a version of that for women where I would almost test them to see

where their perspective, I would say something, they would agree with me. And then I would say something else and they'd agree. And I was like, what do you really think? Like, you know, like that's like, women do this with shit testing guys, right? That's what it's called or whatever. But I would, sometimes I would start to become aware of this pattern where, oh, the perspective is changing. And that even to me, I was like, well, who are you really? You know what I mean? Like, what do you really think about this? You know, and then you start questioning, like, who is this person? You know? I've had to do that with dating where I've had a,

I don't know if it's a problem, but like people are in dating. They're like, you should tell people what you want. And now I'm afraid of telling men what I want because men usually agree with me.

Do you know what I mean? They're like, yeah, I want that too. That sounds great. And I'm like, dude, I don't, now I'm scared because do you want this? Right. And I've had to get more specific because what I realized I was doing before is I was like, I want a lot of abundance in my life. I want a lot of beauty, relationships, blah, blah. And I was saying all these words that everyone kind of agrees with. Right. They want abundance. You know, whatever. Yeah. And so now I've been more specific granularly. Like I want this type of home, this type of neighborhood, this type of life. And it's like,

Whatever people can feel whatever their way about it, but it's like are you able to achieve that or be at that level with me? Right makes it a lot simpler, but it's been it's been hard So I've noticed myself at the beginning of dating Not really sharing with any men what I wanted or what I was looking for because I was afraid they were just gonna act like that or be like it because I've even noticed that With men that I date i'll be like i'm looking for a man like this or I really like this and then they'll do it and i'm Like is this authentic or are you just trying to please me, right?

Yeah. And I'll kill them. Yeah. They'll pay for it. And they'll fucking pay for it. Yeah. Wait, so you said something. What was the thing you said about shit testing? I don't know what that is. Oh, a shit test is, um, so sometimes what will happen when woman is dating men and men, like just the general gender dynamics, whatever, but like, I'm just saying in general, normally,

A man that is in his frame, a man that is in his integrity, that knows who he is and is expressing who he is authentically in the world. A shit test is sometimes what women will do is something called a shit test. And what a shit test is, it's testing their frame. It's testing to see if do they really believe what they believe? Yeah. And what happens is sometimes there'll be a shit test. And if the guy caves, it shows that his frame isn't that strong or if he lets himself get reactive.

Right? Wow. And what happens is it's basically a subconscious way a woman's saying, I don't know if I can feel safe. And therefore, there's a testing of the frame. And what happens is sometimes if the man does cave or the masculine energy does cave and it's like, oh, I'm sorry. Did I, you know, that shows a certain level of weakness. And that's why sometimes...

There may be that kind of energy. So that's called the shit test. Wow. Yeah. You know where I see shit tests all the time is Love is Blind, the reality show. I will watch them. Everyone talks about that show. I've never seen it, but I kind of know the concept, right? We'll watch and we'll see. Because it's like I'll see it and I'm like, oh, now they're together in person and now I see her testing him. Yes. You know, like as an example, there was one girl in Love is Blind Argentina. I'm watching all the countries.

there's that many shows now it's crazy wow it's great it's just like it's just watching humans and like you know yeah she said she didn't want a jealous man she doesn't want her man to be jealous and he's like i get jealous sometimes you know and he was like honest he's like it's you know i'm working on it so they get in the pool she starts hugging and holding another guy and she's like are you getting jealous are you getting jealous like kind of like testing him to see if he was gonna get jealous he didn't react

And then later in the show in bed, she goes, I really want a man that's not jealous. I want to check you were not jealous and was pushing him. And he was like, I have to admit, I was a little jealous, but was regulated about it. And she kept fucking, I was like, girl, you're trying to test this man to see if he's going to stay in his, and he was, and you need to chill. Right. Like, yeah, it's, it's kind of wild. Actually, people will do that. I think a lot of times in relationships, and I'm curious how you feel about this, where they'll test them.

It's almost like they'll feel so good. And it's like a part of them comes forward, maybe a younger child or an unhealed part that wants to test if the relationship will last or kind of wants to blow things up because they're scared.

Yeah, that can absolutely happen. Yeah. Like versions of like sabotaging it by trying to figure it all out or trying to control it in some way. Yeah. And ultimately, by the way, I think with a lot of that dynamics of the shit testing and all that, that's something that's commonly understood in like the dating. I don't know, like the men's like, yeah, this is what women do sometimes. Right. Yeah.

a lot of times when I see a lot of this content on red pill and stuff like that, I think a lot of it, some of it could be true in the general sense of like, like patterns and stuff like that. But also it might be rooted in trauma. Right. So maybe it works.

for a lot of people that are also caught in their trauma. And ultimately, there's a certain lack of vulnerability that might be there instead of just saying like, hey, I'm not feeling very safe right now or I'm not sure if this is what you really believe. It's like, are you jealous or not jealous? And it's like, I'm going to touch other men to make this person jealous. That's a game. I mean, that's playing games, addicted to dopamine probably, and it's all probably rooted in that

It's unconscious. It's unconscious, exactly. Because that's my last thing I'll say about Love is Blind is that's my fascination. And I think I want to do like a YouTube series on it because it's like you can see when you're conscious what's happening unconsciously. Right. She is afraid of something happening that happened in her past. So part of her is coming forward to test and see if this man is going to react in the same way. Why would she not want a guy? So she wants a guy that's not jealous of her.

Right? Like, I don't know. That's an interesting... That'd be a whole thing for someone to go into regarding her childhood trauma because sometimes people say they want one thing, but deep down, they might actually want...

Exactly. She's like, I don't want jealous. I don't want jealous. I don't want jealous. But she probably also wants to be claimed. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or just not to feel controlled or manipulated. So you can't over really just just assume that maybe what's happening on the surface is what's actually happening on the inside, because we all have these self-preservation mechanisms that we use to get our needs met.

And sometimes it involves the empath stuff, right, of tuning to other people. And then there's this I'm a nice person and there's this guy – people hide behind this idea of being a nice good girl or good boy or whatever. But underneath that, there's more going on. Yeah, 100%. There's a manipulation of the environment going on, trying to control things to get their needs met.

So, and that's so much, that's, and I'm curious your experience with this. Cause I said, you know, you said you healed from this and it's so, it's so refreshing to be with a man that sort of healed that. But, um,

Gosh, I mean, how much energy I freed up in my life for myself when I stopped doing that. Going into every room, attuning to everyone, reading the energy, reading everyone's minds. You know what I mean? Doing all that when I'm like, just here. That's all I'm worried about. Then I can actually worry about myself and my purpose.

When did you realize the patterns that you were in and was there? I'd love to hear first of all when you realized and what were the patterns like was there? What was your awakening with this? Yeah, I mean the patterns were Just kind of like long story short type thing growing up from 7 to 17 I had a narcissistic ex-stepmom in my life that was very controlling and manipulative where no matter what my brother and I did we were always wrong and

We were normally locked outside doing yard work every day. Weren't allowed to have friends. Weren't allowed to watch TV. My dad kind of allowed it to happen because he was a firefighter. He was gone, you know, some of the time. He knew about some of it, but didn't necessarily want to stand up to her. So it was this dynamic. What was the belief about TV and friends?

We weren't, we just, everything was controlled in our life. We weren't allowed to, there was no religious belief or anything. We were just, when they weren't home, we were locked outside of the house doing yard work. When they were home, we were in trouble all the time for, we had to earn going to school activities. I mean, it was just, we had to sneak to get enough food to eat. We lived in like the mother-in-law's quarters. I

in the house. We lived in a nice house growing up that was always being remodeled. But my brother and I lived in the 70s, outdated mother-in-law quarters of the house with a caged door. And we were given a bowl of cereal, a gallon of milk a week,

Uh, cereal and like two TV dinners to eat every, you know, at night. So we were very malnourished, you know? So like a lot of our needs were barely being met, but that became normal. So what happened is after 17 years old, it's making me emotional. Yeah. Well, I think, I think a lot of people, a lot of people that I meet that know me from my videos and stuff, they,

Right. Well, I think a lot of it's more common than you think. A cage door? It's not really, I mean, it's not like a cage. It was just like a rock. We would have to sneak into the other side of the house to get enough food to eat. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't know, but I'm listening. Right. Maybe I'm softening it up a little bit. Yeah. Maybe. No, it's just, yeah. But in general, that was the dynamic. And then 17 years old comes around. My dad divorces my ex-stepmom. All of a sudden-

Complete shift where we move in with our grandma for a while while the divorce starts. We're allowed to have friends. We're allowed to watch television. We're allowed to play video games. We're allowed to get enough food to eat. We don't have to earn going to school activities. Complete shift, right? So what happened is after that, eventually I am going to college. I get a job at Nordstrom's in women's shoes.

That's where I worked. As you do. Yeah, that's what you do, right? It was a commissioned job. It was a good job at the time. I worked there for five years and the manager that was my manager. So first off, after that happened, I then met an ex-girlfriend that was controlling, not to that toxic level of like, you know, like anything like that, but more just controlling and jealous, right? And she was in my life for four years.

I broke up with her within two weeks of breaking up with her. I got transferred from brass plum shoes at Nordstrom's to salon shoes. It's a better shoe department to be in the manager of that department. Right. But here's the thing that happened within two weeks of breaking up with her. I got transferred to a department where the manager was the same exact personality as my ex stepmom.

So for another year or two, I worked there and that manager was almost the same personality in everything. So what happened is this back in 2011 or 12, right around my spiritual awakening,

I learned meditation completely shifted my life. But what I became aware of is this same pattern has been in my life since I can remember. Either it was the ex stepmom till I was 17, or it was a girlfriend for four years that was jealous and controlling. And I was always too, I wasn't allowed to have a personality really from seven to 17 because I wasn't allowed to have friends.

After that, I became a very extroverted person because I was so excited to have freedom and to be able to eat enough food. A whole new life, right? But what happened is that ex-girlfriend was jealous. Okay, break up with her. Within two weeks, go to a better shoe department where the manager is the same personality as my ex-stepmom. And what happened was eventually...

I learned meditation. And what I went through was a process of healing and forgiving my ex-stepmom. That was really the shift. Within two weeks of forgiving my ex-stepmom, because what I realized is my ex-stepmom, who was kind of that archetype when I was growing up, she that was a control and all of this stuff, what I realized is she was treated the same way by her dad growing up.

And that is why she was the way she was. However, it wasn't that I was like, oh, I intellectually understand everything's right now, but I was actually grateful that I went through that because it led, I realized that I would not have gone through this spiritual awakening where I learned meditation, learned how to observe my thoughts, and literally my whole entire life began to shift because I started to become aware of these patterns inside of myself.

My whole life shifted to where then I said, oh, instead of like, why did my childhood happen? Things aren't fair, blah, blah, blah, blah. I then realized that in this present, I realized that that

Led me to my spiritual awakening. It's a good thing. Thank God it happened I wouldn't be where I'm at right now with the YouTube follow or whatever you call it like the success We're doing live events having the reach that I have if it weren't for the trauma that I went through so because I've reframed that meaning and that's the thing I think a lot of people listening to can understand is based on the things that happen in our past There's a certain meaning that meaning is controlling us in the present moment. Um

I had a belief that women specifically were controlling, that I had to fight for my freedom. So what happened is seven to 17, that was the survival mechanism I had was tuning to a narcissistic ex-stepmom whose emotions were all over the place, also borderline personality disorder, very much all over the place. You never knew how someone felt. That became a way of surviving, knowing how this person is feeling in order to get by.

Well, what happens is I became aware of this pattern. I became aware that for four years, I was in a relationship with someone that was controlling. I had to fight for freedom. Things weren't fair. And then at that nine to five job, same thing. It was the same story as well. Let me point out. Things aren't fair around authority issues.

That was the story. That's a good one. Things aren't fair. And I realized this lens, this belief that I have is going through my entire life where things aren't fair all the way up until I come to this, this today to do this podcast with you. I'll share a little bit of this story. I rented a house last year in, in Austin. Um, I, I told you I have houses that I had, um, being, I have a house being rented out in Austin, but also I was renting a house in Austin for a year. That

The person that was renting me that house was this woman. And she, when I met her to like rent this house, a very expensive house to rent, however, it was a beautiful house. And I was like, I want to live in this house. And basically what happened is I ended up getting into this expensive house and the house, when I met this person, there were red flags, but I discounted it because I liked the house so much.

I could tell she was neurotic. I could tell that she had, the house was furnished and it was in this beautiful part of Austin. And even though I could feel something was off and I could feel she was neurotic,

So I went with it. I ended up moving to this house anyways. It was a furnished house. I moved some of the furniture in the house into storage because I didn't like the furniture. And it was like, I could tell it was a big deal to her that I was moving any furniture. I'm like, I'm renting the house. I'll put it back the way I left it. Basically what ended up happening is I lived in this house for a year. I then moved out to move to LA. And when I moved out,

The whatever I did I put the house I had videos of the house so I could put all the furniture back where it was I'm a single guy living in the house. I don't have pets I don't have dogs or kids or anything I move out of this house and they go to the house and just so many things they every little detail they could find that was different and

It was like I had this large security deposit on the house. So there was like this energy where I didn't do anything right. Yeah. Right. And what ended up happening is even I'm closing. I moved out two months ago and I'm just now trying to get back my $24,000 security deposit and I'm working on it. And the challenge is that everything I did wasn't good enough. And it's what's crazy is the standards are so high.

And I felt like I was walking on eggshells that entire time living in the house because every little thing that happened, it was like if something wasn't working on one of the TVs, they're like, don't touch this cabinet. Don't do this. Don't do that. I'm like, okay, I'm also paying a lot of money to rent this house. You know what I mean? But basically what's happened is two weeks before I was in that house,

I spilled on accident this gold supplement drink that I have. It's like hot chocolate superfood thing. Anyways, a little speck of it spilled in the bathroom two weeks before I moved out. And it's this little brown quartz countertop or whatever. Basically, it spilled a little bit and I had it professionally cleaned. It's paid a lot of money to have it professionally cleaned, but you can still barely see that there's a speck inside the countertop.

What they are demanding is that I pay $4,000 to replace the countertop and then the other countertops so that it matches

And part of that is because in the contract, it says you have to leave the house exactly as you left it. I'm like, well, this is natural wear and tear. It's kind of excessive to have to pay for that. And then on top of that, by the way, one of the plants, it's a really nice house, but there's this aloe plant outside that died. There's a person that is the landscape person. I would figure, because I'm traveling a lot, that somebody that's a landscape person would take care of that. Well, one of the plants died. $3,000 to fix the plant, right? Right.

So here I am in the situation where there is an authority figure. Landlord is an authority figure, right? There's an authority figure that where things I believe aren't fair. I'm talking to my assistant. I'm talking to other people in my life that are realtors. I'm like, is this normal to pay $4,000 for a spec you can barely see?

on a countertop to fix both of these countertops on top of a whole bunch of other charges that I already agreed to pay and I had done just to not deal with, just to kind of like be done with it.

But this is like the last straw, these countertops. Yeah. Right. But the in the moment, the option I have and before I came here today, I tried calling this person because I want to just talk it through and figure it out one way or the other. But even as I was getting ready to call this person who is this chick that has really high standards, she probably has a childhood trauma that's rooted in being a perfectionist. And part of it is.

I'm sure she's completely rationalized in her perspective. From my perspective, I left the house almost exactly how I left it. It's just there's such a high standard of every little detail. And I'm like, I paid this much money to rent the house for an entire year.

You don't think there'd be that level of like checking the boxes to make sure it's perfect. Like this little speck on the countertop. But what I say is I've worked through a lot of it, but there's always different layers of it. And what this is challenging me to do now is to be vulnerable and express myself. But also I'm not afraid in the conversation that I have with her to be assertive. I'm not afraid to say, hey, I think it's excessive that you want me to replace two

quartz countertops because of a little spec that I already paid. And by the way, this is the biggest red flag. When I moved into the house, there was a cleaner that she used to clean the house. Really nice lady, her and her team.

This lady was like paranoid of the lady. She's like, nothing I do is ever, you know, she did a really good job, but she was afraid to clean. She wouldn't do the move out clean because she said that she can never do a move out clean good enough for the person that owns the house. And I'm like, she's the person that recommended me to this cleaner and the cleaner won't even do the move out clean. I had to find someone else. And of course it wasn't, the move out clean wasn't good enough.

This whole thing though has been interesting to me because even though I've done so much work in the past around like letting go of my relationship to authority when it comes to, I always had the nine to five job where I worked at Barneys New York after Nordstrom's. Things weren't fair, corporate politics, people had to suck up to get the schedule they want. I had to like fight for freedom.

Similar childhood dynamic that I grew up in, right? Now, as an adult, as a successful person that is very abundant, I could easily throw away the 4K and be like, whatever, I just don't want to deal with it. But what I realized is that's also a similar energy that my dad had in the situation with my ex-stepmom. I just don't want to deal with it. I'll just let her do her thing because I don't want to deal with it. I'm like, I understand that I signed a contract saying that I leave everything as I found it. At the same time, this little speck

And I paid this much per month for an entire year. Like this seems excessive to me and I'm not just going to pay it without saying anything. Yeah. If I have to like, obviously I've like, I could get lawyers and shit to deal with this, but that's going to cost even more money than I could the four grand just to pay it. Right. Yeah. But I won't let it slide without me expressing myself. And when I tried calling her before I came to this podcast today, and normally the past version of me, I'm like, I'm going to wait, I'm going to wait till after the

the thing. But lately the way I work now is if there's something I want to do, I do it. I can handle it. I'm not a leaf in the wind that's going to do this. And then I can't come to this podcast and be myself. I'm not treating things as big of a deal as it used to be because ultimately being vulnerable and expressing myself doesn't have to be this thing where no one has power over me.

In the way that maybe as a kid, I felt like there was, but it was interesting getting on the phone today to make that phone call. There was this feeling in my body. I could feel like, what is, I'm just talking to this person that I know has a perspective that, that is, she's going to argue and stuff like that. And she's very triggered by the situation and she feels that she's justified in right or whatever. Yeah. But I also know that

I can handle it. I'm going to be fine. It's just a conversation. And even if she doesn't agree or whatever, I don't like the four grand to me isn't going to make or break my life. It's just, I have to say something and express it. Otherwise I'm doing what I was modeled growing up, which is putting it under the rug. Yeah. You know, the authority thing is, is such an unlock. And I've actually never, I've, I've, I've thought about that in a different way, but haven't had it understood in that way.

because I even have that with like banks or stuff when I have like a fee or a charge, I'm like, oh my God, it's, they're not going to listen. It's gone. You know, like the unfair thing with authority. And I think that's such a good thing for people to think about in the audience is like, what is your relationship to authority? Do you think authority is fair? Like, do you, do you pedestal? I pedestal authority too. And I feel like authority thinks I'm bad. So I have to kind of like wiggle or negotiate around authority.

And when we have that relationship with authority, we're not going to be in our full power. We're not going to be in our full expression. So that's such a great, great point. And I think too, what we can realize is, you know, in the healing path, there's always little things with you're noticing with healing. There's like what you're noticing is so you've gotten so far in your healing path. You see the pattern happening. Now you should have listened to your intuition potentially at the beginning, which is a lot of the lesson.

That woman was God speaking to you, the cleaner. Right. God's going to tell you what's up. Like, it's crazy what God will do in speaking through people. And then, but it's like, okay, now that you're in this situation, sometimes the soul leads us through to situations that's like, okay, in this matrix game, if we'll say,

how can we learn and fine tune your gifts and abilities or your skills? Okay, this means now I'm gonna speak in the moment. I'm gonna say how I feel. I'm not gonna have the hook

For me, I always think about it like the hook. Do I have the hook or the place where people hook me? In this situation, this woman can hook me by triggering me, by making me overthink, by making me over process. But when we can get clear and be like, I don't care about the money. Yep. Doesn't matter to me, you can have it. But I'm actually going to speak truthfully in a grounded way and you can't hook me into your dynamic. Just I'm going to be myself fully in my frame and there's nothing for you to get from me. Right. Like it's huge. Yeah. I think...

Is there anything else you want to say about that? Because I wanted to ask something about your dad. Yeah, so what I'll finish up on that whole loop. When it comes to authority, the way we relate, the way we related to our parents many times connected to how we feel

feel and what we believe about authority in general. Because our parents were our ultimate source of authority growing up, right? So what are the stories that you have about authority? My stories were things aren't fair, right? You can't trust them. You can't trust them. They're going to try to control you. They're not going to meet your needs. Your opinions and thoughts don't matter. You have to shapeshift for them or not be yourself. Tiptoe, walk on eggshells. If that's the energy, then what happens is people may have a pattern of

creating that same dynamic over and over and over again. And really what it is, is that dynamic is in our life to reflect back some unhealed childhood energy. And that's why they're in your life. They're in your life for you to take your power back. And this is why a lot of times when you start to set boundaries with people, they may shoot out of your life.

Part of it is because you're learning the lesson. Maybe they were in your life to show you to speak up for yourself. Maybe they were in your life for you to get into your own frame of reality and to decide that it was more important to express yourself than to just keep going according to their program of how they want you to be. So what happens is as you start to reformulate your relationship to authority in general, you may find that you start to take your power back.

Now, even with this lady that I moved into her house and I moved into the, you know, I started renting the house. I could feel I was like walking on eggshells as I was going through this process. What I realized is all because she's the landlord, we could pedestalize the landlord into authority. I'm a successful business person. This doesn't have to be just an ego thing, but like, yes, I'm a successful business owner who travels the world for a living, doing what I love, um,

Sometimes I feel like I'm younger. A lot of times the houses I rent, I'm younger than most people don't understand. They're like, what is this 30-year-old guy renting this million-dollar house? It doesn't make sense. So they either assume they just don't get it or they assume that YouTube is like this thing where it's really easy or something like that. But I know who I am. I know that I work hard. I know who I am. I know what my values are. I realized I didn't have to project any authority

On to anyone, even though we had a contractual agreement or whatever, I left the house, what I think was as close as I could possibly get. I knew maybe a grand or two of that $24,000 security deposit might go. I didn't think that like almost all of it would because of the high expectations. No one in anyone in my life that knows me and that knows how clean, I'm a very clean person. So it's not like, it's just, there's such a high standard, right? Yeah.

But basically what I realized is it's also partially a self projection onto her. And what I realized about her too is

not that I need to figure out or need to fix her at all, but looking at her and just kind of what I know about her and my limited experiences with her, I feel like she just has this perfectionist mentality where the next people that moves in, she's also worried that the next people that move in are going to think that she's not, she spilt that little fricking stain on the counter. Like she, I, I, not that I'm like, Oh, it's right that I still pay $4,000 to replace two countertops because of this little spill, whatever. Um,

but I could, I could kind of see the humanity in it. Oh, she's a perfectionist. Not that it makes it right. And I should have to pay for that, but you probably shouldn't be, you probably shouldn't be renting out your house completely. If you're that strict and like you, it needs to be that perfect. You know, that's at least my, my opinion. You know what I mean? The nightmare that she must, you know, some people like that. I just, God,

Imagine what her life is like. Not just pity and say, but like, I do think about that. I'm like, can you imagine like a narcissist of someone that controlled you for so long? Imagine what they live in. It helps you develop compassion. Not to say they're worse than me and develop grandiosity, but it does help you kind of put it into perspective more that bully, people that turn into bullies normally were bullied growing up. Yeah. It helps you kind of understand it a little bit more. And it's never personal too. That was a huge epiphany. Huge.

is that this whole situation, it's not personal in the sense that she's doing it to me because I'm not worthy or there's something wrong with me. It's just a pattern that's being played out. And she's helping me become aware of these patterns I'm shedding within myself. So in a way, it's kind of worth it for the growth that I'm making, but I also have to own my voice and express myself in the situation in the moment. Otherwise,

I'm continuing to let kind of like the old pattern live, which is probably the next thing that you want to mention, which is the dad situation. Yeah. So the, the dad thing was, is curious to me because, um, what do I want to say about it? So, um, I was relating a lot to, I was relating a lot to it, parts of your story. So my situation was narcissist mother. And then that to me was the villain in my eyes. And that to me was the unsafe authority in my eyes. Uh-huh.

And then what's been interesting is through my process of my awakening and my recalibrate, my mother wound healing, which I teach a lot mother wound healing. I feel really great with my mom. I'm very grateful.

And, but what's been interesting is, is the relationship with my father and healing that my father's very sick, but I've been in my own process of healing my relationship with the masculine. And I think it's interesting because when you're younger and you're that empath and you have that narcissistic dynamic, you have your villain very clear. And then also, um,

You have your savior. My dad was the savior. Yes. But also he wasn't because I wasn't being protected. I wasn't being, you know, in your case too, you were not being protected. Right. It's triggering a part of me that felt like I wasn't protected to hear you say that because I'm like, how is you, how could you as a father let that happen? Right. And there's a specific energy that I feel related to that because my expectation of the masculine is to provide and protect. So to feel like a woman is...

being manipulative and controlling and, and, and doing that to children. And the man is not

taking care of fucking business is triggering to me. So how were you able to sort of awaken to that and process that? Because if I can imagine that your path was similar to mine in a way, you first saw her as the villain and saw that healing you needed to do. But then I can imagine the masculine healing around that came later. Yes. That's you're right on that. So yeah, a lot of the initial healing with my spiritual awakening was around the ex step mom energy. Um,

And then eventually it led to me becoming aware of this energy that was underneath the surface and related to my dad. And there was like, there was a lot, there was anger that was there. Yes, of course. And the way that that played out for me was becoming aware of, because at first what I did is because I, you know, I have a shadow work coach and like over the last like eight years, I go to different therapists, shadow work coaches, always looking at myself and

And anytime someone would ask me about that, I would like defend my dad. Oh, my dad, he didn't know everything that was happening when, when in fact there was enough red flags there, even if he's working 24 hours on and off as a firefighter, he knew what was happening, but it was more painful to stand up to someone that was so aggressive and angry than it, it was harder to do that than it was to just, than it was to like save his kids or whatever, you know? And

When you say that, I'm like, um, what? I'm like, yeah, that's the problem. That's the problem, exactly. Like they're kids. Yes. Like I'll kill you. That's exactly it. But for a while, I was rationalizing it. The inner child is like, no, you have to have hope. Right. Dad's the only one that you have. And then there's the spiritual side of it, which is like, oh, everyone's doing the best they can with the level of consciousness they're at, which is true.

But also there was an inner child part of me that was very angry. There was an inner child part of me that also, when I went through this transformation about two years ago of really shedding a lot of these layers, I was angry towards that dynamic and towards him and also towards myself. And what I realized is one thing that really helped me in this process is having compassion for

for the inner child part of me and giving that part of myself permission to express and to, and to, to be in that anger that what he felt like he couldn't be in because there was a couple of times where I, I almost stood up for myself as a kid. I mean, I'm a, I'm like a 13 or 14, 15 year old kid standing up to like someone that's, that has ultimate power over me, you know? And where else am I going to go? Where am I going to run away to? Like, I didn't, I didn't have any friends to go run away to really, you know, it was, it was a kind of a conflicting thing, you know? Um,

But eventually what I did is I gave myself permission to express that anger, to feel that anger. I went through a phase where I was feeling a lot of that anger as I was processing it. And the way that it eventually looked was actually having conversations with my dad. And I remember one time sitting down with my dad and I wanted to talk to him and I went up to his room. This is like a couple of years ago. And...

I just sat down with him and I just said, I just want you to know that with everything that happened when we were kids, you know, 17 or whatever, I just want you to know that I forgive you. And I said that and I let it land for him. And at first there was like this mechanism where he's like, well, you know, you want to believe, he always says, you want to believe your wife. You want to believe your wife because he wanted to believe that nothing was going on. He knew, but that's the way he rationalizes it.

But basically what happened is I said, I understand all that. I understand that's what you believe, but I still forgive you. And as I sat there with that, he started to cry. And then I started crying and then we're both crying. And there was this big healing moment that came because I was vulnerable and I expressed that. And I really did. I really do forgive him. At the same time, I've had to honor that anger inside of myself. And what else has helped me is I realized how different I am, how I've broken the pattern. I look at the things I do like,

Would my dad like call some, you know, even this lady that I have to talk to about this whole situation with the house? He'd probably like, oh, I just don't want to deal with it right now. There's many times in my past where I stand up for myself. I stand up for what's right. I've stood up for friends. Like I am not afraid. I realize I'm not afraid to be in tension.

In fact, when I'm in tension, like to run live events, to be live with hundreds of people, big facts, I have to like tension, you know, in the unknown of coaching people on stage, there's a lot of tension. Like I realized I actually like tension. Um, so that reframe for me has helped me realize how different I am. Not that like he's so low vibrational and so unhealed or anything, not like some grandiose way, but I remind myself of how far I've come and how much I actually do

enjoy tension. And that relationship with tension for me has allowed me to be more in my own masculine frame and has helped me also heal because I'm able to differentiate, oh, this may be his pattern, but it's not my pattern. So that's, that's, that subject object individuation in a way. Yes. Powerful. Where I feel, oh, this is his pattern for subconsciously. I lived in that pattern for a while and I would tune to others and be, you know, like attract,

women that were controlling and stuff like this. But every time I've cut out someone out of my life that maybe reflected a certain pattern, every time I've allowed myself to express myself, I remind myself that I'm different.

I am myself. I've learned the lesson. I've learned and evolved the patterns that I don't one day pass it on to my kids. And I'm able to be and have this positive relationship with tension. And for any empath, people pleaser, someone that has those patterns, I think their relationship with tension is the thing that they can really grow with. Because what happens is because tension is not comfortable, what they say is, I'm going to be nice to alleviate tension.

But then what they end up doing is walking on eggshells around friends and family and they mitigate the tension by putting it on their back and trying to manage it. And they say they don't like tension. I think that's not true at all. They love tension. They love it so much. They'll carry it with them everywhere they go. But the key is, is which is more tension to carry tension underneath the surface and not to express the real you for many, many years and to keep relationships alive that no longer serve or

or to have one conversation where you express yourself, where you either reset a healthy pattern dynamic or that person leaves your life because they no longer resonate with this new empowered you, but then you don't have to feel the tension all the time underneath the surface and feel responsible for it. So really the transformation is around relating to tension in a new way. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

I got to thinking at the top of this year, by the way, Happy New Year, what do I want my 2025 story to be? I know January can be like kind of overwhelming, a little much. We're like, what are our goals? But January just like brings you this beautiful moment.

book of blank pages, right? 365 blank pages waiting to be filled in 2025. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist, or maybe there's like a part of your story you've been wanting to revise. It's not really about the resolutions and the goal setting, all that. Like we get it, that'll fade. All of a sudden it'll be February and we're like, what are our goals?

But it's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life truly. And one of the ways that I've been able to do that is working with my therapist. And I feel like she's like my editorial partner, to be honest. And we're rewriting chapters, we're writing new ones. And I just, I can't say enough about therapy. It's changed my life. I've been in it for seven years. I've been with my current therapist for about four years. I'm just so proud. I'm so proud of this work.

And it makes me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister. So...

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Okay, I know a lot of you out there are hitting the ground running this new year and you are already doing all the things, checking off the to-do list, the goal lists. And I'm wondering if you're able to get your favorite audiobooks in. Yes, that's right. Listening to audiobooks is one of my life hacks. It is a way in which I'm able to take in some of my favorite, favorite reads and learn quickly and to

To be honest, I don't have time like I used to to sit down and really read a book on a beach. You know what I mean? So it has been a game changer to listen to audiobooks. Audible has over 1 million audiobooks, podcasts, and exclusive Audible originals. They'll inspire you. They'll motivate you. They'll make you laugh. They will make you cry. It is the freaking best.

And what I love about the Audible app is that it's so easy to navigate. I don't know about you, but when I have an app that I'm like, what is happening here? I get so frustrated, but the Audible app is so easy. They're recommending to me popular audio books right now. They're recommending podcasts. They're recommending new releases. Like one of the new releases I'm reading right now is We Who Wrestle With God by Jordan B. Peterson. Um,

And I am just loving this form of consumption. I listen on the go, I'm listening before bed, I listen as I cook. It's so enjoyable and I'm so excited for you to create this really good habit to learn more, to be more connected and fulfilled in your life 'cause books really can do that. So make that positive change.

I think that just simply is the best resolution, making positive change. All right, new members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash almost 30. That's audible.com slash almost 30. Or you can text almost 30, almost 30 to 500-500. That's 500-500. Enjoy, y'all. I have been feeling more energy lately, and this is really, really big for me.

I've spent the last year plus feeling like

Uh, not 100% all the time. I think it's because I'm a new mom, not sleeping as much, just running around. It's all new. It's a lot of my body. However, I've started to take Mito Pure from Timeline and y'all, my energy has been so much better. I also feel like I'm stronger in my workouts. I feel like I recover quicker from working out. Um, it's been amazing. And their Mito Pure product is amazing.

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Yes, I think that's beautiful. And I think that's been something that I realized just on my path. It's like, how could I have discomfort at a greater level for a shorter period of time than living in a low grade home?

unhappiness for so long. I think most people live in low grade unhappiness and especially in relationships, live in a feeling of annoyance, aggravation, you know, that, that thing where you see those couples out and they're always kind of like talking down to each other. They're always kind of clipping each other. They're always kind of, you know, like

Okay, we went 35, it's 34. And you're just like always just kind of checking each other. And I think so many people in life feel like they're living in peace in a way when they're doing that, but they're actually not. They actually feel unhappy. They actually feel dissatisfied. They actually feel unaligned. So how can we have people get the courage to

to have the hard conversation to make the move in their life? Yeah, that's a great question. And the, the answer that I found that I've noticed works most strongly for people is to choose to live by the value of vulnerability, knowing that it does take courage to be vulnerable, but just in the same way that I've been vulnerable with expressing the real me to my dad that opened up vulnerability. Um,

We have a mutual friend that I talked to about this. And she was talking about her dad and this connection. She's like, I can't be vulnerable to him. He won't get it. And I'm like, you're not doing it to get him to come around. You're doing it because it's how you choose to be.

Long story short, she had this conversation with him and had the biggest breakthrough in the relationship they've ever had because he actually, he started crying and like, he had a huge breakthrough. And she, she texted me or called me or text me two days later. It was like, it changed everything. One vulnerable conversation. So,

So living by the value of vulnerability, not to manipulate and to get other people to be vulnerable, but because it's who you choose and how you choose to live by is also putting you on the path of opening your heart because vulnerability is a way of opening your heart. It's a way of releasing shame. Shame is the belief and the energy of there's something wrong with me. When you believe there's something wrong with you, what are you going to do to get people's approval and validation?

You're going to tiptoe around people. You're going to be who they want you to be. And that's why that energy is active. So what happens is when you let go of that energy, you open up your heart to a new level. And you're also letting go of... So instead, what I'd say is give up validation and approval for vulnerability. Love that. Validation and approval a lot of times is the thing people...

focus on getting because maybe they didn't feel connection and love growing up. It's a dirty high compared to love. If love and connection was not felt growing up, a proven validation is the second thing people will settle for. And the belief is if I can get your approval and your validation,

I can then feel enough. So then what happens is people go out into the world and they project this big burden onto everyone around them. They're saying, I'm going to give you the ability to approve or disapprove of me. And I want you to do that. So I'm going to be whoever you want me to be. And then they feel this immense pressure on them and they're trying everything they can to get it. When in fact,

The way they're going about it is they're giving away their power, but also they're giving someone the burden that's not their burden. And that's why it's inauthentic. And that's why it feels cringe for people to do that because they're giving someone else the power that they don't really have. They're searching for something on the outside that's only inside. So instead of going for approval and validation-

Focus instead on connection and love. And the only way people can really love you is if you are really being you. If you are showing and expressing your real emotions.

They can't find you. Like you being vulnerable and being the most authentic version of you is going to attract to you people that really resonate with that deeper aspect of you. It will also repel away from you people that don't resonate with that aspect of you. But that's okay. Remember, you don't need the approval and validation of these people. What you want to go for is vulnerability, finding people that resonate with the deeper aspects of you. But the only way you find that is by embodying it first off within yourself.

So for me, choosing that vulnerability, choosing to express it over needing people's validation and approval, allowing myself to feel shame as it comes up and to let it go is very powerful. And when you're vulnerable, it also makes you more human. I think a lot of times we shy away from the shame. For sure.

and feeling it because we don't want to be seen in certain ways. But a lot of times I think the reason people resonate with my content that like watch me on YouTube and stuff is because like on this podcast, I share a lot of these things that aren't the sexiest, coolest things to talk about, but people feel like they relate to it and it becomes a connection point. And I'd rather have connection than the approval and validation of anybody. I'd rather feel I live by authenticity and vulnerability over approval and validation.

That's so beautiful. It's, it's so interesting with the, the vulnerability thing. Cause I even catch myself at some points, even being as far along in my path as I am and saying that just as it relates to the empath work, I even find myself, I'm like, okay, I need to be vulnerable. And I'll be like, still checking for, um,

other people of like what that means to them. Like, what do they want me to be vulnerable about? Right. You know, like I still scan vulnerability. I'm, I'm very vulnerable in a lot of ways in what I do in my work is very vulnerable, but there's still such a growth edge for me around true vulnerability. And I still find it hard because I'm like,

Yeah, that's like my growth edge. There's just aspects of me that could be more vulnerable. And the way that I get to that is by finding more embodiment within myself. Because once I'm really in myself and in my own energy, that's when I can access the truth of what's happening rather than being so empty because I'm just attuning to other people or like in other people is energy. Yeah. Yeah. With the...

What I want to talk about too, sorry, to like, to kind of shift a little bit. Okay. Cause we've talked about the empath stuff. We talked about the childhood. We talked about some of the things that people can do to get into their own energy and more vulnerability. I do want to talk about 2025, like what you're seeing for trends and predictions. Yeah. I'm kind of excited about this because I feel like

I've been really watching how a lot of things, and it's been more clear to me, a lot of things I was seeing or predicting have now come true or have now really alchemized or happened in the collective. You know, like when 2020 started to happen, I was like, oh, called this, called that, called this. And I'm excited about 2025 because I really can see where things are going and I feel really good about it. I really feel like people are feeling better than ever. People are really focused more on the right things, not like the achievement things.

What are you seeing or what are you feeling into as like collective spiritual things for 2025? I feel like for me, what I'm noticing in my own life that also I'm noticing in my clients, and maybe it's confirmation bias because I'm going through it, talking about it, and then attracting people that hear it back to me. But for me, this whole last year was around letting go of an old identity.

and the familiar energy connected to that. So for me, for years, I've been on YouTube making content. I've felt like I've created for myself almost a nine to five job in the same way I had a nine to five job in the back of the day where I had to, I had the entrepreneur trap, right? Because you create, you want freedom. Yes. And then you end up creating a lifestyle where it's like, am I really free story of my life? And I'm like, I'm free. And then I'm like working more than ever. Right. And

And for me, I've known for years, like two years. And I've done many, like I've done probably six or seven live events over the last two years.

And that's where I really get lit up. When I do a live event, when I run a live event, I love it. I enjoy it. That's the best content that I've had over the last two years that's gone the most viral is stuff from live events. However, something keeps holding me back from doing that. It's like a subconscious belief that if I stop being on the hamster wheel of making lots of social media content, that

that I'm gonna lose the momentum I've created over the last eight years. So this last year has been me kind of like closing out the cycle and letting go. Even before I moved here in Austin, I got rid of 80, 90% of everything I owned, which felt very freeing. And now I'm traveling. I don't know. I'm really stepping into the unknown for 2025. So 2025 for me is all about following the excitement energy. And here's the interesting thing.

Anytime I run a live event, like this weekend I'm running the live event. Anytime I'm running a live event, I get podcasts, people that want me to come on their podcasts. I get all these other synchronicities that don't look connected at all. Every time I run a live event, other things happen in my life.

other aspects of my life just really get taken to the next level. I meet awesome people. I, I find myself in the right place at the right time. And it's when I plan and I'm in the vibration of running a live event, all these other things align. And then what happens is as I'm going to be in the frequency this weekend of running this live event, it's like that frequency itself is,

I enjoy being in, I'm gonna film the whole entire thing and that's gonna be my social media content. So that's how I'm like restructuring my business. But that energy, that frequency is what I'm passionate about, what I'm excited about.

So what I'm doing in my life now is I'm cutting out 80% of what I felt like I had to be doing to keep the hamster wheel going. And I'm just putting all my energy and the things that bring me life. So for 2025, the scene I've been saying is feel alive in 2025. 2025 is the year you bring to life and you feel alive. Following the passion, maybe not understanding how it's gonna lead to this and that. But for me, as I focus on,

On that, things in my life are shifting. And also, as I embrace the unknown, I had this epiphany where I realized that when I run live events, the most fun I have at live events is when I'm in the unknown of having nothing planned. Oh my gosh, that's my retreats. I was like, I don't even think I can do schedules anymore. No. Because each day it drops in or even right during a session. I'm like, oh, we're going to do archetype work right now. And it would change the energy if you're like two weeks before, you're like, we're going to do this, this time and this. Yes.

And in the, one of the last live events I did, I just, I had to, my favorite part of the whole entire thing was a Q and a section where no one could, there was nothing planned at all. And funny enough, afterwards I got told that was my favorite part was that unknown session. Yes. And then I ran a VIP event a couple of weeks ago where literally nothing was planned and it was the most fun. It was a smaller, like 50 person thing. I had more fun in that than anything. So this event that I'm doing this weekend, I'm like, I'm going to have nothing planned. I'm just going to show up.

And see what comes through. And that I think is going to be in the magic of that is it's the unknown. So for 2025, feeling alive, following the passion, not understanding where it's going to take you, understanding that state of consciousness, that state of energy will attract to you new synchronicities, new opportunities, and new people that reflect back this new energy. And also stepping into the unknown. Trust the unknown. Trust your abilities in the unknown. It takes so much pressure off.

I know that like, even on this podcast, like the less I know before we talk, I just know it's going to come out the most authentic and

And knowing that it takes the pressure off. I didn't have to spend three days getting ready for the live event that's coming up or even for this podcast. I just show up and it's more fun, you know? So that's, that's for me for this next year. It's stepping into the unknown. It's trusting the unknown, trusting the divine to flow through me as well. It's not Aaron Dowdy. The ego needs to understand all these things. It needs to be perfect. And I realized people don't care how I look. If my intention is to add value and to be authentic, right?

So as long as I'm willing to be a vessel of that energy, that's what matters. But also having the courage to step into the unknown, um,

And to let go of the safety mechanisms that I'd always have. Yep. I think also too, you know, cause when you were talking, I was just like thinking about if, if it's because you're at a certain level on your path that you're not able to do this. And this is what I'm curious about. Cause I feel similarly, you know, as an example, I was in Ibiza for my retreat and

And I had Times Square billboard happen, People magazine happened during the same exact time that I'm in my purpose and service. And then during the retreat, I'm actually blocked from getting the agenda until the day of or until the session of. And now I'm like, oh, this is actually just my flow. Because also you're tuning into the collective energy that's created in the group. So the group energy actually is very specific to where they are in time space.

and what they need is actually very specific. So it actually makes it more fun. But what I realized with, you know, like what you were talking about with the group Love in the Q&A, there's a sense of aliveness. This is why people love stand-up comedy. This is why they love improv. Like this will never happen anywhere else in time. This is being co-created magically through-

something that's invisible, the invisible web that's sort of coming and amalgamating and going, which is so powerful. But I'm curious about the experience of being in joy and being in the flow, because I feel like

I'm only now at this level of my development able to do that, where I'm able to follow the joy and trust. And I feel like before I was maybe potentially too attuning to other people, too attuning to other people's blueprints, not really able to read or understand. So what advice would you give for people so that they can in their life today be able to follow what is meant for them and be able to live in that frequency of trust?

living in their joy. They know that it's theirs and not other people's. They can be following their call. I'm going to say one more thing about it. Right now, you have so much alignment in your life. It's like levers are being pulled for more alignment and fine-tuning alignment.

A lot of people are working at jobs that they hate in places that they hate. So how do you follow your joy when like you hate your job or you hate your relationship or you're living so unaligned that the leaps feel greater? Well, it's knowing that it's going to be a process. Yeah. For me, back in the day when I started making YouTube videos, I was working at Barnes New York and Women's Shoes. In February of 2017, I decided I'm going to make a video every single day on YouTube until I'm full time.

So I started making daily videos. Within three to six months, my YouTube channel started to grow. Within six months, I had 100,000 followers. And then I learned internet marketing so that I could quit my job. And that was like the very beginning path of that. But in the moment, doing YouTube videos, that was the thread of my passion at the time. I've been doing YouTube videos for seven or eight years now, and now I'm bored of it.

The energy for me to sit in front of a camera and for me just to like me in the camera, it's a different energy than when someone's pulling the information out of me like right now. Or so it's like I like doing podcasts now and live events now. It's a different energy because there's people involved. Yeah.

So it's more dynamic. There's the unknown. It's like an, I think of it as just a lot more fun. Um, just really quick. I don't want to stop you, but I just want to say something that's that I noticed in that. So I wonder if when you were doing YouTube before it was, you are able to tune into your own energy because there's no one else around and you're sort of healing that part of you. And now that you're fully in self, you're able to be in self, but now be in other dynamics.

Yeah. And so it's more interesting. Maybe also it was the thread or the carrot on a stick that got me where I needed to be. Yes. To put in the reps. For years, I made videos on YouTube, which got me better and better at...

like expressing ideas and concepts. Now, now it's like I've been prepped for years to just go on tour with live events to where now I'm doing many more live events, not just one or two or three live events a year, but going on like every month doing live events. It's a different energy. But what I'm saying for the people that are listening is you start with where you are. For me, it was making videos back in 2017. And then as I committed to that one thing, because the videos was the one thing that did light me up, it wasn't always easy. I had to learn how to edit. I had to learn

How do you do like thumbnails and graphic? You know, there are certain things I had to learn that I wasn't like, this is my highest passion is coming up with a YouTube thumbnail. That wasn't the case, but it was connected to this thread. This is my highest passion. Right. Well, there's people, there's people. The funny thing too is,

When I used to sell women's shoes, there were one or two people in women's shoes. It was a commission-based job. There were one or two people that sold more than anyone else there. What do you think was the thing about those two people? They loved it. They loved it. They loved selling shoes. They loved it. And there's nothing wrong with selling shoes. I'm not like, oh, that's not, you know, but they loved it. So whatever that is for whoever's listening, there's something you do that lights you up when you do it.

And when you follow that thing and you do it for the sake of doing it, not doing it to just escape the job, aside of that, I knew back deep down, if I'm being honest, yes, I wanted to get out of that nine to five job I had, but I was also, it felt good to do it. It felt good to make videos. It felt cringe at first because I was getting more and more comfortable on camera. But every time I did it, I got more and more passionate about it. I saw the difference it was making in people's lives that found my videos. And it just started this cascade effect of adding more and more value.

But that's the thread. Following it is like follow the thread of excitement. And for some people, you might not know what that is right now. Well, read books that you're passionate about learning things about. See where that leads you.

Say yes to things maybe normally you wouldn't have said yes to because of fear. Be aware of what's driving different decisions you make. But as you start getting to the unknown, more magic happens, more synchronicity comes into your life. And then also follow that thread of excitement. Follow the thing that you're actually interested in. Start studying things. Start reading books. Start talking to people. Get out of your comfort zone.

Yeah, I completely agree. I think what I would say too is that oftentimes people have so much information input being inundated in their consciousness and their psyche that they actually don't have time to create or like really allow an interest or an excitement to come through. So sometimes you have to remove any input or stimulus from the outside for a little bit. And you don't have to go into a cave, but just kind of taking the social media a little break,

Not really watching the TV, watching the YouTubes that you can create or have your own internal fire or dialogue be started to draw you to something. Isn't it funny that people say so often they don't have time for certain things, for like their self-growth journey or whatever, to start their business or whatever. But yet if you go on their phone, it probably shows like six to eight hours of being on social media apps.

But they don't have time. Like every day now. And so I think that being really honest with ourselves, I think it could be very beneficial to completely cut out

being on the phone for a while and see what kind of insights you get because so much of our attention is being hijacked with social media apps and the news and other things. Our creativity too. I think even what can be good for people if it's easier, what I'll do now is in my car time, I don't listen to anything and I'll just sit in silence and kind of just let my mind cruise or see what comes through. So finding the pockets where you can, in the car, on a walk,

At lunch, you know, like there are places where you can let inspiration come through. Right. I think watching your inner dialogue, your inner critic, the part of you that could be judgmental. I think that's another thing that I think really I'm, I

I'm predicting in 2025 is people really getting to know and learning to work with their inner critic. Yeah. Because oftentimes you could have the idea, you could have the dream or the vision, but the inner critic might shut it down. Right. You know, so you have to really be mindful of the voices that are telling you to not follow your excitement, that it doesn't matter. You have to monetize it or all of those things. But I love that. And I feel like what I've noticed in the collective is

is just a general sense of greater peace and happiness and prioritization of really just living their life rather than being so goal-oriented, wanting to achieve, wanting to build all this stuff. I feel like people kind of are just really learning to live their lives a little bit more. Yeah. Or maybe they're just lying about it online. No, I think... Maybe they're just...

Sharing about it. I think we're going through a phase where we're recognizing that a lot of the things that used to drive people's motives or actions was like you get on Instagram and you see the perfect this, the perfect that. You see all the money and success and that would normally motivate people. And I think now it's becoming almost sexier or more acceptable to just live life on your terms and to find out what happiness is for you.

So living in a more balanced lifestyle or like authenticity, I feel is, is there's more and more of a business of authenticity where it's like, it's, I look at some, there's like, um, certain YouTubers and completely different niches that are, there's just more raw and authentic. Yeah. And people resonate with that instead of the crazy edited, like perfect looking thing. It's like,

People want to connect to real and authentic now. And I think... Yeah, Gen Z, man, they're really bringing through the authentic little dirt balls

do their thing. Like, I mean, for my generation, it's so crazy to see because I'm like, we were like at the Eiffel Tower with a 12 dozen bouquet of flowers and champagne posted up acting like it was a picnic for one fucking Instagram. Right. And Gen Z's like, yo, this is blurry. Yeah. This is upside down. Right. We don't even care. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a beauty to that. It's amazing. You know, versus going to the phone and seeing 700 photos of like one thing to find the perfect thing. It's like, yes, let it be. Yeah. Let it not be perfect. And a lot of times when it comes to content creation in general or YouTube, it's like some of the best, most viral content that I have is stuff that doesn't look, I would never have assumed or known it was going to go viral. It's just real and authentic. Wow. You know, what's examples of that?

There are topics I remember sharing or stories I remember sharing in YouTube videos where I'm like, this isn't going to... Do I even put this out there? I don't even know if this is going to resonate with people. And I put it out and it might be a video that gets hundreds of thousands or millions of views. Wow. Or it's, yeah, just...

you just never know. You just really don't know. We think in our mind, we know what perfect is or, and really perfect is another excuse for good enough. Like, how do I know I'm good enough? And it's, it's becoming not so cool to just always look perfect. You know? Yeah. People want to see the chinks in the armor. They want to see the cracks. I think for women, I think

people are particularly interested in seeing not perfect because women hold themselves to such a perfect standard. Yeah. I think for men, I'm curious if that stands true because I don't see a lot of men interested in other men that are like not perfect or not like presenting masculine in a certain way. But I think for women, it's like, oh, I feel safe. Okay. She's not perfect. Right. There's like a thing. Yeah. Yeah.

I think either way, I think there's probably versions of that that play out in different ways. Like if you think of men bodybuilders, you know, going to the gym or something like that. I think guys are very self-critical of themselves. And they are comparing themselves to everybody there, you know, in different ways. And then women, probably the same thing. But the cool thing is that if you have the courage

to express the real vulnerable you, you stand out from everybody. Yeah, it's so real. You stand out from everybody. It's so real. There's just one story I told years ago. It was probably year three in the podcast about this book that I read one time. Mm-hmm.

that talked about how oftentimes people that are very gifted have like their left eye is lazy or they have a lazy eye because that meant that your third eye was shut down from a young age. So it talks about the spiritual relationship between having like a lazy eye and having your third eye shut down from a young age. And I literally, I still to this day get messages like once a week about it. I'm like, I mentioned that one time three years ago and I don't even know what book I'm talking about. And the fact that that weird thing

still resonates is so wild. Yeah, because it stands out. It stands out. You just don't know. And I think there's also to a truth. There's like a universal truth to things where you're like, whoa, I don't know why that's a very weird thing that resonates and feels true. Right. I feel like that about so much spiritual information, whether it's

whether it's old spiritual stuff, there's a universal truth that just stands that can really stand the test of time. 100%. Yeah. The last thing I wanted to ask about was about surrender. Yeah. I love your work on surrender and letting go. And I do feel like

I think a lot of us, and I'll speak for myself, it's like I'll surrender and be like, I'm surrendering. But are you? Yeah, I'm like, I'm doing a good job surrendering. Like there's this situation with this dude where I'm like, I'm surrendering and I'm thinking about it a lot. Not all the time, but I'm thinking about it. So what does surrender mean? Why should we do it? How does surrender actually get us what we want? Like talk about that. Yeah.

Yeah. So very often, how often do you hear it when people, for example, want to attract love, right? If you talk to a couple that they've been there like 10 years or something, right? You're like, how did it happen? So often what you hear is, you know, it happened when I wasn't looking. Pisses me off. It happened when I wasn't looking. I was just, I said, you know what? I'm going to be single for a year. I'm going to go out there and just do my thing, focus on my business, whatever. And then they, they let go of resistance.

They surrendered. They focused on enjoying their lives, their friendships, whatever. And then it happens. So often it happens when you let go of trying to make it happen or trying to force it to happen. So what happens is, is it, do you ever hear it? It's like, oh, well, I was desperately looking for a relationship and I was trying to control all these dynamics and I was doing this and doing this. And then it happened. It never happens that way. There's one thing, many things in our life we can't control, but one of them is relationships.

And when you let go, it's a letting go of control. Now, control is something we use in our reality to try to get our needs met. If I can get you to respond to me in the way that I want, then what I'm going to get is I'm going to get my needs met.

So in a way, the only reason people have trouble surrendering is because there's a lack of trust there because to control feels safer. Now, the thing to look at, though, is does control, because it's a mechanism that's being used to get the needs met, does it actually even get your needs met?

Or very often people use it because they think it's going to get them what they want. Control absolutely repels what you want because anytime someone feels like they're being controlled, what do they do?

They rebel. Yeah, for sure. Right? If somebody wants you to do something specifically and you can feel they want you to do it and they're trying to control you, you will do the opposite. Don't piss me off. Exactly. When people want me to compliment them for something, don't fucking piss me off. You can feel when... I used to work with this lady and she'd be fishing for a compliment. Don't. And people would pander into it sometimes. Nope, not me. And it's like... But that's... You can feel that energy, right? Yes. And what feels intrusive to you and why it triggers you is because you don't want to be controlled. Yes. Well, same thing with relationships. Yes.

So when there's someone else that someone's dating, if they can feel at any level that there's any type of control there, they're playing out the control dynamic because it's active inside of your energy field. Like you're choosing to play the game of control. And because you're choosing to play the game of control, they are reenacting that control dynamic.

Now, letting go and surrendering means that maybe this relationship is meant to be or is not meant to be. Like think about certain areas of your life where things go really well. Like I imagine you have great friendships. And there's probably, are you trying to control your friendships? Do you know why? Yes. Okay, so this is why. And I'm not. You know why? Because my friendships all changed completely.

When I decided to literally let go psychically of every single one of them. Yep. And be completely okay without any of the friendships I had. Ding, ding, ding, ding. I know. That's so crazy. Okay. So there's this one area of your life that is friendships where there's a lot of flow and there's surrender. Crush. And there's what? I crush friendships.

Yeah, crushing it. You're crushing it. You're killing the game. Killing it. In this area of your life, though, that control dynamic might still be alive. Now, let's look at the energy between the two. Okay. What is the difference between relationships that are romantic and friendships, energetically? Okay, yeah, I've let go, first of all, of friendships. And I really am like... Why can you let go of friendships so easily? I can let go of friendships so easily because I'm in my worth around it or I'm...

- Why? - Is there an abundance? Do you trust that there's an abundance, right? - Yes. - Okay, let's take that- - Too many. - Too many. Now let's take that over here. When it comes to abundance of relationships, what is the belief most people live by?

Yeah, there's not. Scarcity. Yeah, there's not enough men. There's not enough good ones. If there's not enough men, if spiritual men or men of depth are ready to come by, there's a scarcity. Yes. So when they come into your orbit, I need to control because if I don't control, then they're not going to stay around or whatever. And there's trying to avoid the tension or avoid the rejection or whatever. Yeah.

Over here, there's none of that energy. Why is that energy not over here? Because there's a trusting that who's meant to be in your life will come into your life and who's meant to leave your life will leave your life and you have more than enough friends because you're in abundance. But in scarcity, in this relationship dynamic, there's scarcity. And the reason that scarcity is there is because there's some belief that you need to control in order to get your needs met.

There's a belief that this relationship needs to serve the purpose. This needs to be the one, this person needs to stay around, but do they, what if you had the same energy over here of allowing who's meant to come into your life, to be in your life for whatever period of time that is, maybe it's forever. Maybe it's your entire life, or maybe it's just for a couple months or a year or whatever. But if you had that same energy, you would be in abundance. Yeah. And when you're in abundance, I'm in abundance, Aaron.

Well, what I mean is there wouldn't be the control. Yes, for sure. There wouldn't be the control dynamic in abundance. Do you even want to see where that... So this even plays into my example. So when I'm traveling, I am unattached, surrendered, do not care, and I crush. You just crush, kill the game. All of my men are not in Los Angeles. And then I meet a man in Los Angeles and I'm like, I feel like because it...

Has more potential to be for long-term. I feel like I have to control. Yeah, these over here are probably more intimately safe. Yes. Because you know that it's long distance. Yes. It's not going to last maybe. So you're probably energetically more open. 100%. But then what happens is in relationship where it could actually turn into something more, control comes in, resistance comes in. Yes. And what's beneficial to do is to really sit with that energy. Yes.

To really feel that. Let yourself feel that. When you're in that energy or with this person and you could feel there's a desire to be seen a certain way or to connect in a certain way or you want them to respond in a certain way, to really feel into that. I think it's weird. When I'm away, I feel so worthy. And then when I'm here, and I don't know if it's LA or what, I question my worthiness.

I'm like, oh, there's so many girls. They're so beautiful. So comparison. Yeah. So comparison is maybe... So when you're traveling...

When you're traveling, that energy isn't as much there. But when you're in LA, so what is the story around LA? What is the story around how you relate to other people here? That there's so many beautiful women. Yep. There's so many amazing women. Yeah. I'm friends with a lot of them, but that there's an abundance of women and that I'm not special, that I'm too much for what I do, that like what I do is too much for the person that I'm with, that I have to make myself stand out.

that men here are not, you know, masculine enough and don't, can't like hold it down in the same way men in other places can. Now, what I want you to become aware of too, is that all of those things you just said are all beliefs within your energetic field. So how can you attract a grounded man that doesn't think you're too much and

that is in their own integrity, that meets you where you want to be met. How can you meet them in LA if the belief is they're not out here, they're somewhere else? So you go, the funny thing is you go somewhere else and they're there. But really what I want you to look at or what I would encourage you to do is look at that the common denominator is that it's a belief system. It's a belief system that might serve you. And that belief system may also serve you to feel familiar emotions.

So maybe it feels familiar to compare yourself to other women. That's a good one. Maybe it's a, there's this ideology. It's a little deeper. We won't go into the whole thing, but Alfred Adler, it's called Adlerian psychology. There's a book called the courage of being disliked. Yes. And it's a very powerful book. That's all based on the teachings of Alfred Adler. But one of the things he says is that the past does not equal the present in the way that we think it does. Basically in the past, something happened. And what happens is you,

If you believe it has power over you, it will. But you created a certain goal, a subconscious goal in the past that is active in the present moment right now. So you may have the subconscious goal to feel not good enough. You may have the subconscious goal to compare yourself to other people because that feels familiar. Yes. That was a mechanism maybe you used as a kid to feel not good enough to feel those familiarized emotions inside of your body. Yeah. So there's actually a subconscious goal maybe to be single.

There's maybe a sub, there's these subconscious goals. And that part of that is, okay, well, when I travel, I'll open myself up energetically and meet these people that I'll see for a couple of days or a week. And then I know it's not going to turn into something deeper. So it's okay. And then your energy is open. Then you attract all this. And then you come here where, when it could get serious with someone and it's like, there's

There's a closing down of that energy or it just doesn't happen that same way. But subconsciously, we are fighting for familiar. Yes. And there's a part of us that wants to stay in familiar. And what will allow you to feel that emotion that is familiar maybe is comparing yourself to other people, being able to judge others.

the dynamics of you of how you look against other people and also the men that are here and what happens is you get to create the same story over and over again and the story is all the men are somewhere else there's not any mask actually masculine men in la whole bunch of beautiful women here that you feel like you have to be compared to that's all that's all stories there yeah there do you think there are women here that even though maybe maybe there are a lot of women here that are beautiful

However, do you think there's women that they don't compare themselves to other people and the people they meet, they have such magnetic energy because they're not comparing themselves that then it's like, that's not even their reality. You know what I mean? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. No, I think it's so powerful and I'm having a lot of awakenings. And I do think that it's interesting because I think there is a fear of intimacy I have in like the true intimacy. And I think

That it keeps me from that where I'm like, oh, you know, I'm whatever the story is, like the distance keeps me out of being in true intimacy. And then the beliefs that I have that I'm not enough for all of these things also keep me from being in true intimacy with men. Right.

So I guess the question is, the thing to look into is really begin to question those beliefs. Yeah. And to realize they're just beliefs. Like was there ever something you believed about yourself and then you stopped believing it? Yes. Like Santa Claus for many people or the boogeyman, right? Like at one point we believed that the boogeyman was going to get us. Yes. We thought that like I have to tiptoe around my room to jump into bed because the boogeyman is going to get us. Yes. And hopefully...

They eventually someone realized the boogeyman is not going to get me. Yes. Well, what happens is we have all these beliefs that become these self-fulfilling prophecies where we believe, oh, men aren't able to meet me where I'm at, for example, or there's not there's not people that appreciate me for me or I'm too much or I compare myself to. These are all just beliefs.

And there are people that basically have owned themselves. I think about, you think about that sometimes. Some of the biggest insecurities, because you think of LA, you think of probably people are insecure of different things. There's someone with the same exact insecurities that you might have,

There's people that own it. There are people that feel like you, you feel like maybe I'm too much. There are women that might feel like they're too much, but they own it. It's not something that puts them down here. It's just me. Yeah, I'm a lot. Whatever. But can you feel the difference of,

I'm too much and I need to tone myself back to I'm too much and that's just who I am. Which is more attractive, right? It's like, I'm just going to own it. There are people, whatever insecurity anybody that has, that's watching this has, there is someone else with that same insecurity that has owned it.

And because they own it, they are more magnetic and they're more attractive in their own energy. And that works for everything. It could be a mole on the certain side of the face. It could be someone's height. Whatever it is, there's someone else with that same height that's freaking, that's owning it. And because of that, they're more magnetic. So that also, I think, is a very powerful way

of just owning the authentic parts of yourself is just realizing the comparison is where we butcher things up. - Yeah. - And where we think, oh, this is better, this is worse. You just own it. You own all those things you mentioned to me, you just own it. It's like, there's no problem. - So I'm owning, what am I owning? What am I owning? - Well. - I'm not too much. I am the perfect amount. With the too much, it's like with my work. - And it won't be too much to the right person. - Yes. - Right? Something to think about.

I'm not too much. There's plenty of men. I'm available and open for intimacy because I can trust myself. Yep. And I am unique in my own expression. Right. And there's no one else out there that is the way that you are with your energy, with your business, with how you show up in the world. There's no one else that is exactly like you anyways. Yeah. So you giving yourself permission to own that, to feel that allows you to also meet somebody who,

That resonates with that frequency of you. Yeah. But they can't meet that if you're, you know, not owning it, not expressing it, holding yourself back, not wanting to be too much. Yes. Who cares if you're too much? Yeah. Right. Too much. It's such a, I know that's such a funny women struggle with that. I'm not enough. And then I'm too much. What does that even mean though? How can you be too much?

Too much. What feels, this is a wound from past relationship, but what is for me too much is too deep. Like I'm,

The way that we're having conversation, like I've been on dates with men and they're like, that was like work for me mentally because I'm so logged in, like I'm so logged the fuck on. So when we're in conversation, it's like, it's not just like, I love this thing. It's like, we're going fucking in. And what else is too much? I share a lot very vulnerably and openly about my life and about my process and about- Do you feel like, do you hear how too much is just a self judgment? Mm-hmm.

That's it. And if other people do think it's too much, those aren't the people for you. Yeah. Right. It's almost like too much can now be your safety mechanism as a filter for the people that really resonate with you. Totally. I've had to do with my Instagram because like before I would like a lot of the men, I wouldn't tell them about who, what I did or my Instagram or stuff. Cause just whatever a boundary. And then also the judgment of myself. And now that I've

sort of changed and shifted. It's like the Instagram is now my filter because I'm really deep and all these things on Instagram and it's a different experience than when you're with me in person. And so it's been that filter for me of like, if they can't get past the depth that I share, then it's like not going to work. Yeah. What if the depth, I mean, there could also be a belief that the depth is bad somehow. 100%. And the depth is

is the, not only the thing that, I mean, the depth is real, right? So the thing is, is if you compare yourself also to the social conditioning of how a lot of people live, right? A lot of people might live in jobs they hate. They may judge other people that are doing what they want to do or people that are authentic or vulnerable. They may judge that, right? You will be too much for those people, but is that your target demographic?

That's so true. You know what I mean? It's like, let that be the filter to find the people that really resonate with the real you. Totally. And let it be the filter to literally propel away the people that won't. Like, would you rather go on a date with one person that you realize there's not that depth or connection? Or would you rather go out with them over and over and over again and waste your time for a long time because...

Because you just accepted it. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like that filter is saving you time and energy. So this filter is a good thing. The depth is a good thing, but you can't compare it to like, yes, there are people that maybe that are less deep that maybe have a lot more options because they can dance around at the superficial level.

A hundred billion percent. But if you compare yourself to, because I've gone through something similar where I'm also a deep person. And when I, like, I, with how I am in the world, I could date around a lot more and I could be way more, you know, like going out a whole bunch more often. Yeah.

I choose not to because also it's just, I protect my energy, but I've also accepted that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and everyone that I meet, I'm not going to resonate with in that level. But if I put my pressure on myself to like go out and to basically have as many options as some friends or some other people do have,

I'm going to feel like I'm doing something wrong. And what I've had to learn is I own that I'm very particular with my energy. I'm very particular with who I spend time with. It's not a problem. But going deep is like, I just know, I know that there's not going to be as many, but guess what?

the barometer for myself of feeling connection is not having lots and lots and lots of people. It's having the deep people that I actually like to resonate with. And that actually resonates with me at a deeper level. So that's my barometer. So your barometer could shift instead of like comparing to others and, and putting that pressure on yourself. It's like,

The depth is a good thing. Yeah. It's a filter. The too much thing is just a self-judgment. Yeah. You know, too much that even the words itself too much. It's like it compared to what? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like there's, there's, it's all relative. Yes. It's all relative depending on the person, but it'll be just the right amount for the person that accepts you for you. Right. So, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Thank you for healing me. I feel healed. I feel now ready for sat for healing.

For my dates this week. I feel healed and ready with my subconscious. You're just going to own it. Yeah. You're just going to own whatever you are. I'm sorry. Is this too much for you? I like walk in. I'm like, now I'm like, oh, am I being too much? You're like in a Beyonce outfit. I just start like talking about crazy shit on it just to test them. Right. That's the shit test. Yeah. Literally. I just start. Can you hang around? Yeah.

What is it? Too much. This has been so much fun. I feel like we could go for five more hours, but I'd love to have you on again and we can just- Absolutely, we'll do it again. So much fun. Yeah. I'm so grateful for your work. I feel like it's so helpful. People probably already know you and just love what you do, but I'd love for you to share what you have going on this year because I feel like you're kind of shifting and changing. Yeah, I'm moving around a lot this year, living in, talking before this podcast, moving to different places and just kind of like traveling, but I'll be doing lots of live events. Cool.

So a lot of live in-person events I'll be doing. I'll be going on podcasts and yeah, just mainly traveling around doing live events. A lot of the content on YouTube, instead of it being like me talking to a camera, it'll be me like on stage and working with people, which I'm really passionate about. So my,

Passion this year is basically stepping into the unknown, not having an exact blueprint of where I'm living and stuff like that, but also just engaging with people and having that be recorded. And that's going to be the content that goes online. So I'll be going to different cities, going to Miami soon for a few months, and then probably be going back to Sedona for a little bit. Might do an event there. I think in New York, I'll do an event. Cool. Just stuff like that. I want to come. Yeah, for sure. You're invited. I'll get on stage.

You'll, you'll workshop me on stage. There we go. Let's do it. Um, okay guys, I hope you love this one. I know that you did. I will see you on the next one. I love you very much. Goodbye. Thank you so much, Aaron. My main man, Aaron. Again, you can follow Aaron Dowdy on Instagram. It's Aaron Dowdy four, four and Aaron Dowdy on YouTube to find any of his content and any of his resources to help you expand your consciousness and create your dream life. So good. We appreciate you all. We love you.

Thank you for being with us throughout the years. If you're an OG listener and if you're new to Almost 30, we have a library of over 700 episodes, not to overwhelm you, but there's something in there. Just play like a little episode roulette. Yes, just scroll and let your finger choose. It's so good. Just make sure you subscribe. We love you. We'll see you on the next one. We love you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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