749. What Dating in My 20s Taught Me About Marriage in My 30s
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Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Almost Ready Podcast. It's Lindsay. I'm a

Feeling so grateful you're here. Thank you for subscribing to the Almost 30 podcast, getting us in your inbox every week. It means the world to us. These solo episodes, Krista and I just have a blast doing. And I'm excited about this one today because I'm going to be talking about how dating in my 20s taught me about marriage in my 30s and hopefully beyond. And I'm going to be talking about how dating in my 20s taught me about marriage in my 30s

But dating in my 20s was a time. And so I have reflected on that because I think it could be easy to write off seasons of your life, periods of your life that you might feel a type of way about, you might not be proud of per se. But I really...

I'm in the business in my life of looking at the seasons of my life and wanting to understand and recognize and honor how they made me better and how they enhanced my relationships and my experience of myself and my love for myself. So dating in my 20s is one of those where I'm a little cringe, but I'm excited to just share with you why.

what I've learned. Some of you might be in that period of your life. Maybe you are in your 20s, late 20s, dating. Some of you might be where I am, where you are in a committed relationship and looking back on those times where you were dating. Or maybe there's another experience out there. But I hope that just the simple act of reflecting and kind of honoring how your life is orchestrated in such a way that you just

You learn exactly what you need to learn is one that is healing and comforting to anyone listening. Just a little bit about Almost 30. If you are new to this show, Krista and I started this when we were almost 30, going through it. It was chaotic. It was messy. We were on our closet floors talking about our life and all the changes we are going through and feeling like we should know more.

And we didn't. And we talked about it a lot. And you can listen to over 700 episodes here on the Almost 30 podcast, go way, way, way back and get a flavor of those early days. But here we are nearly eight years later. We have a book coming out that really is a culmination of the experiences and the lessons and the hard-won wisdom, I feel like, that

really brought us here in our 30s where we feel like we have created and continue to stay committed to choosing a life that we love in our relationships, in our relationship with our body, in our careers, and in our pursuit of purpose and within ourselves. So we're excited to share that book with you. You can pre-order it

pre-order it right now. I will link it in the show notes. It's also in our Instagram bio. It's everywhere. So go to almost30.com book. You can learn more. And we have some incredible, incredible bonuses for you. If you pre-order now, you can, for example, get one copy and you're going to get a $70

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And I feel like it's going to be a great supplement to the book. So it's a 70-page guide. You can get that immediately after you order the book. You'll also get a ticket to Camp Almost 30, which is happening May 18th. We have an incredible lineup that we will be announcing soon. If you've been to camp, you know. If you know, you know. It's incredible. And then if you get two copies, you get both of those things, both of those bonuses, plus

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What dating in my 20s taught me about marriage in my 30s. I have a bunch of notes here because I was just like, dang, there's so much here. But if you would have told me, if you would have told like 25-year-old me what my marriage would look like now, I would have scoffed. I would have laughed. I would have rolled my eyes. I don't think I realized as a 25-year-old what a healthy relationship looked and felt like.

And it's not that, like, I grew up in a totally dysfunctional household. That wasn't the case. I think it was a normal family with issues like any other family, right? But...

I believe that my early years being exposed to relationships coupled with just the time that I grew up in, right? I'm dating in a digital age in my 20s and I'm on dating apps. It's just a time to be alive. And so I felt like what I expected a healthy relationship to look and feel like was kind of distorted. You know, I was...

I was in a lot of chaotic energy when I was dating. I was on the dating apps. I was not understanding what proper communication looked like and felt like, whether it was on the apps or on the phone or in person. I was chasing people, for real chasing people. I loved the feeling of the chase. But if you would have asked me,

"Do you like chasing people?" I would have been like, "I'm not chasing people." And no, I don't like that feeling, but I was doing it. And I'll tell you why in a moment. But I was settling for bad behavior. I was settling for breadcrumbs and I was drinking a lot. And you're like, "Well, why does that matter?" It absolutely matters. Who I would choose when I was out at a bar and drinking and feeling really juicy and drunk,

would be totally different than if I was sober during the day. So that had a huge impact on just how I could show up for these potential connections with people and who I was choosing. There's a lot that goes into who you choose. It's not just drinking, but it was really, yeah, it was creating a very murky dating environment. So many of us

So many of us, I see you, whether this is your past, present, or future, so many of us date to validate, not to connect. If I am being honest and reflective, when I was dating in my 20s, I don't think I was making a real concerted effort to connect with someone. What does that mean? In order to connect, I believe there needs to be trust,

And there needs to be a willingness, if there is trust, to be vulnerable. I also believe there needs to be self-awareness and a few other things. But I think those two are the main things that we need. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was unwilling to be vulnerable with people and show them the parts of me that were messy and just kind of things I wasn't proud of.

Because, I believe, I didn't feel like I could really trust that person. I didn't feel really comfortable with them. No wonder these people were ghosting me and really inconsistent with when they would hang out with me or want to hang out with me or text me or any of that. So I didn't realize that this was going on. And it was going on so much that I just...

Thought it was normal. I thought the high highs and the low lows were normal. I thought that feeling of like having a spark and like having, you know, an incredible physical connection was indicative of, oh my God, this person is my person. I thought I should analyze their text messages for hours on end. You know, ghosting became a regular thing. Y'all, this is not normal, nor is it acceptable or healthy behavior.

And we've got to wake up and get honest with ourselves about this when we are dating. But, you know, this is life. We kind of have to move through these moments and these seasons where we're just not getting it in order to eventually get it, right?

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of attraction. You're physically attracted to the person. Maybe you feel just like this energetic, oof, this just like feeling all over your body. It's like something you cannot even describe versus what I know now in my marriage as like this actual foundation for a long-term relationship, that foundation of respect and trust and connection and consistency. And

that actually breeds that physical attraction, connection. I didn't get it back then. I thought, well, we physically must be attracted. We physically must connect. And then the other things should and will fall into place.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. While I am so deeply attracted to my husband on a physical level, we started with that more boring side of connection, which is like, you know, communicating properly, trusting in each other's consistency and self-awareness and awareness of the other, the respect aspect of a relationship, like kind of all the quote unquote boring things

is where we started actually in a friendship setting. And then over time and eventually we reconnected and there was just this emotional maturity that both of us had developed to be able to recognize, oh my God, this is what attraction actually is. You know, it is the full experience of a person, not just what we are seeing on the outside and how they are making our, you know,

private parts feel. You know what I mean? It is that full experience of attraction that I realize now is what I needed to be paying attention to in my 20s. Studies show that early stage romantic attraction, that feeling you get when it's like the spark, the fireworks. You're like, fuck,

oh my God, you call your girlfriend after the date and you're like, oh my fucking God, like he is so hot. We have a connection. Like it's crazy the way he kissed me and said goodbye to me and he touched my leg and dah, dah, dah. That rush of attraction activates the brain's reward system. So basically it triggers dopamine.

So this is like a similar surge to addiction. It is serious. It is very, very serious, not something to take lightly. So many of us, if we want to translate that, were addicted to the chase rather than the actual relationship, addicted to that feeling rather than the actual relationship.

If I look back at the people I dated during that time where I was like chasing people and settling for really bad behavior and riding those high highs and low lows, none of those people are people that I would, if I was single today, even consider. And it's not by what they look like or anything like that. It's just like the type of person that I feel attracted to as a whole person. Um,

So it's just been so interesting to reflect on all of the time I wasted, but also like why I was allowing that. You know, I think at the time and what I've kind of distilled in therapy over the years is like I didn't really respect or value or think I was worthy myself of a healthy, respectful person.

relationship. Why? I felt like if I could show up to this relationship and be the one that's like nice and consistent and always showing up and showing them that I can be like the best girlfriend, then that's the point. And I got it wrong. I got it real wrong. And I had to really look at that, this caring about how people experienced me.

Rather than tuning into my experience in the relationship. How do I feel about this person? Not, I wonder if they like me. I was obsessed with being liked and being someone that was agreeable and easy and fun and just didn't really, if I'm being honest, I wasn't really engaging in the relationship. I was just making sure that I was presentable and

easy to interact with, you know, whether it was a late night call, late night text, or, you know, a last minute dinner that because they suddenly had no plans on a Friday night, right? Like, I just wanted to be agreeable. I wanted to be liked and validated in that way. And yeah, I've just realized over the years, like I just deserve so much better and so much more. And so do you. So do you.

And I think how that translates just that specifically into my marriage today is like, you know, I am making sure that I am allowing my mess to be visible. I am allowing myself to communicate about aspects of me and my experience on a day-to-day is visible.

is communicated to my husband and not just this highlight reel of what's happening on the day-to-day or what's going on emotionally with me. It's not just like, yeah, today was good. It's like, let's get real. Let's talk about highs. Let's talk about lows. Let's talk about what worked today, what didn't, how I'm feeling emotionally, how I'm feeling physically, how have my mental's been lately, really allowing

the full experience of me to be experienced by my husband. And it's been so healing. It's been so freaking healing. And I'm so thankful that, you know, I went through the contrast of that in my twenties, you know, which was like not showing anyone any part of that and just showing them the highlights and what was really nice and swell about me. But yeah, it's just,

It is not doing anyone any good by hiding those parts of you because, you know, I've in my reflection, I've started to think about the experience of the other person that I was dating, you know, at the time. I dated a lot of people in my 20s, but like what their experience was of me, you know, maybe they felt like they couldn't get close to me. Maybe they felt like, is there anything like

you know, wrong with this girl? You know, like she's only showing me kind of like all the good things about her. Like, can she be herself? Does she feel like she can be herself? Um, yeah, I just, I, I, I wonder, I don't wonder for too long, but it's something I think about where I was so in my own experience when I was dating, I didn't really think about, um, this is what I want to say. I was so in my own experience while dating that, you know,

I kind of labeled the other person as something, whether it was like, oh, they're like, they're ghosting me or like, I'm just a late night call to them or whatever. And I wasn't actually thinking about as well, how my showing up to the relationship was kind of tainting how they felt about what we were co-creating in that moment. So for example, like

I feel like I was always available, always available and never prioritizing other aspects of my life and always prioritizing whoever I was dating. And I'm curious if the person and people that I was dating felt like, huh, I wonder if she values her friendships or...

I wonder if she values her own time with herself. And I feel like she's always kind of prioritizing me or like, yeah, I don't think anyone was being that reflective, but it's something I think about, like how was I co-creating that experience? It wasn't just some guy being an asshole. It's like, how was I co-creating that experience? How was I, what was I bringing to the table to create that reality, right? Yeah.

I still think about that today in my marriage. It's just something that's like a kind of a useful question. How am I co-creating this experience? It's not just the other person and I'm not just like the victim. It's like, what are we collaborating on right now? What am I bringing to the table?

So one of my patterns in my 20s was choosing emotionally unavailable people. And I kind of mentioned this, but on my end, why I feel like I chose those people was just...

for me, it meant that I didn't have to really step up. How I was was fine. I didn't have to grow. I didn't have to, um, in a healthy way, push myself to be better in a relationship. Like they were kind of mediocre subpar. So like I looked really good. Um, and

I wanted to cite this study. A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who experience inconsistent affection in early relationships, like parental or romantic, are more likely to seek validation from unavailable partners in adulthood. So when I think about that in my own life, I had incredible attention from my parents. So I don't think that is the root of

I think for me, I didn't provide because I was the eldest child. I felt like my attention, my concerns were very much about the people around me. And this is kind of the experience of the empath where if there was, you know, if my parents were fighting, like my energy went there, how can I fix it? How can I help? Like,

How is it affecting other people in the house? Or, you know, if there was things with my siblings, like my energy would just be there. So I think, you know, I, if I am to like discern what about my early life affected how I choose things,

or informed why I chose in my 20s those unavailable people. It's because it was just my default to prioritize other people's experience and other people's feelings and emotions, and I was able to compartmentalize my own and not really tend to them. So when someone who is unavailable rejects me in like kind of this incognito way or

does not respond to text messages or is inconsistent. I am thinking about, well, you know, maybe it's my fault or maybe I can send them like a really cute, humorous text message and they'll be back on board. Or maybe I can be like sexy in text and like get the back in, whatever. I'm not necessarily prioritizing how I feel.

and why this is not okay. So yeah, that's, that's what I've reflected on since then, since that experience in my twenties and how it connects to my early adulthood and how that shows up now in my marriage. It is my husband. This is what I will say about him our entire time knowing each other, which is over 12 years. Um,

He has always been the one that's been very, very, when he hasn't been in a relationship, when we were friends, like very available, very clear about liking me, wanting to date me, wanting to get to know me. He's been oh so clear. And how I know that I have grown and my experience of that has gotten healthier is that when we reconnected in 2019, I was

I no longer felt the ick about him being available, him being clear, because that's what I felt for years where I was like, oh, gosh, you're just such a nice guy. You're so clear, so direct, like make me chase you is kind of, I think, what my subconscious was feeling. But when we reconnected in 2019, we sat down to dinner and I was like, oh, my gosh, this feels peaceful. This feels healthy. This feels like home, honestly. Yeah.

And I knew that he was my person. It was kind of crazy. But it is just so important to us in our relationship that we have direct, clear communication. Like there's none of this emotionally or we try our best to recognize when we're being emotionally unavailable and why. It's usually a protective mechanism, but

We've gotten into the practice of just being super, super clear about what we're holding at the moment, what we're feeling in the moment. Are we properly resourced in this moment to be able to show up in a way that we're proud of? Just being really, really clear and then asking for what we need. I just need you to hold me right now. I don't need you to fix anything. I don't need you to give me advice. I just need you to hold me and that'll do it. Or it's like, I would really...

I am feeling like under-resourced right now. Like I got four hours of sleep. Mav was up last night. I didn't eat breakfast this morning and I'm just feeling like so snappy and just

rude and I'm sorry. And like, I would love this. I would be so appreciative if you could do this. Like that would make all the difference in the world. And like that type of communication, I know it sounds like kind of unsexy, but damn, is it sexy. Okay. It is so sexy.

you, when you, when you are able to be an honest, clear, direct communication with your partner, I mean, that is the ultimate foreplay. I will say it. That is the ultimate foreplay because then you feel like your, all of what you're experiencing is being heard, felt, acknowledged, honored. And I mean, no better way to get into my pants, to be honest with you. So

That has been profound in my marriage. Another thing that I learned from the chaos of my dating in my 20s was I value consistency over chaos.

Yes, I do. Which sounds obvious. It's like, who would want chaos? But it's like we get addicted to it in our 20s, whether it's in relationships or maybe it's in your place of work or whatever. But we get addicted to it. And I just, I'm obsessed with consistency in every aspect of my life. It doesn't mean that life looks the same every day, but it means that my relationship with my husband feels...

peaceful. It feels like home. I feel safe. I feel respected. It doesn't mean that it's always easy. It doesn't mean that it's void of challenges. It doesn't mean that he's perfect and I'm perfect every day. That is not the case at all. But it does mean that we feel safe to be ourselves. We feel respected on a day-to-day basis. We feel supported in our growth and our sticky moments. And

the change that we go through. And I just value that so much. So while life isn't the same all the time, life is always changing. Our respect and love and support and commitment to one another is

is consistent. And I value that so, so much. I value it more than that chaos, that high and low, that like roller coaster that felt so exciting in my 20s. Absolutely freaking not. No more. Consistency is it. I don't know about you, but once I hit my 30s, I started feeling the difference. My skin wasn't as naturally glowy. Let's be real. I had to really like

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And one of the things I realized about that addiction to that high and low and that roller coaster in my 20s, I was really in that like insecure attachment.

with most people that I was dating. Research from Dr. Amir Levine, who wrote Attached, highly recommend that book, shows that people with secure attachment style seek stability over intensity. But those with anxious attachment often mistake chasing love for feeling loved. Ooh, yeah, that was me. I was definitely anxious. Um,

otherwise known as like insecure, uh, for a long, long time with, with the people that I was choosing at the time, those people were avoidant, you know, so they would run away and I would run towards, it just was not cute. Um, but I've, I've realized and noticed that when, as I've really stepped more into my secure attachment styles in my relationships, whether that's friendship with my family, with my husband, um,

I just value that consistency. I really do. That stability. I think some people with that anxious attachment style might experience stability in a relationship as boring or true to for the avoidant might see or experience stability as boring. But this is another lesson. I'll take that.

And I enjoy it over that just inconsistency. So I want the stability. If it feels a little mundane and boring, I am interested. I am like, ooh, what is here? What is like a magic moment in this seemingly simple and peaceful and secure feeling and experience?

And I think what I've realized too is that valuing that has helped me to highlight just these magical mundane moments. I wouldn't have been able to see the magical mundane moments in my 20s when I was so freaking hopped up on the chaos and the inconsistency and just chasing people and, you

not prioritizing my own needs and desires. I love this quote from Attached. Healthy love doesn't feel like a high. It feels like home. Healthy love does not feel like a high. It feels like home. Let that just settle in your body. Anyone dating out there, it feels like home. And I've said this. I haven't said home before to my friends who are dating. I've said

It feels peaceful. And sometimes you might mistaken that for feeling boring, but it feels peaceful. So yeah, I just realized that like sparks do not build relationships. Hear me. Sparks do not build relationships. Shared values, emotional safety, and communication do. Period.

healthy marriage. We're working on it, right? Like it is just a never ending, beautiful co-commitment, co-creation. And I'm so grateful that I get to participate in it in this lifetime. It has pushed me to just be better. It's pushed me to go within myself. And this is another lesson that is a healthy relationship. That is what you can expect from

a relationship that you are meant for, that is meant for you, is that it won't always feel just like easy, breezy flow. However, there will, in those moments and seasons where it feels challenging, there will be an undercurrent of, I got you, we got this, I love you. Like take my hand energy rather than like avoidance, mistrust, disrespect,

like you will know and you will feel equipped and supported to be able to navigate anything together. If those challenges pull you apart, bring out the worst in you, we got to look at that. And sometimes it's a moment by moment thing. Motherhood, parenthood has just brought up so much for us. It is the hardest thing and the best thing to happen to us. And

It's a moment-by-moment choice of recognizing when you totally neglected your partner's needs or when you are making an assumption about what they said or their intentions or you are totally tired and malnourished and you are snappy and are just not the best version of yourself and are totally un-focus.

aware that that is even happening. And so in your own experience and feeling like the victim, it's just, it gets, it can get hairy, but we have been really committed to the communication, to having grace for one another, to focusing on what is really good and what we can be grateful for and, and the strides that we've made, you know, the growth that has happened thus far and

And I think that really encourages us to keep going. We've made so much progress. I wonder what other progress we can make as a couple, right? And I think then the other aspect of my marriage today that is different from my 20s is like, Sean chooses me. He chose me when we first started dating. He chooses me on a day-to-day basis. He chooses us. He chooses me.

um, over and over and over and I him. And I just, the energy of my twenties dating was, please choose me, please choose me. The other person was like, eh, but there's so many choices. I'm going to keep my options open. I'm like, no, please choose me. And same with my career in my twenties, which was pursuing acting and kind of being in that whole world. Please choose me, please cast me. So there was a theme, um, but a healthy marriage, um,

In a healthy marriage, you choose each other consciously, actively, every day, in every moment. You know, it can be easy to...

fight unfairly, you know, and say things you don't mean. Okay. But in the next moment, we must choose each other. You know, it's, it's how quickly we come back and choose one another and choose the relationship. And something I thought that was so interesting in my research, I'm sure you all have heard of Dr. John Gottman's research at the Gottman Institute, but, um,

In their research and studies of couples, they found that it's the small everyday interactions, not the grand gestures that predict longevity. I was talking to Jared Weiss recently, his book, The Magic of Tiny Moments. And part of the book talks about this. It's these small moments in the day to day that actually really create this like beautiful quality of life that

And your ability to like be in those moments and recognize those moments. It's not like these big, big, big moments of life that define your experience.

And I had to learn that. You know, when Sean and I were long distance before we got married, I, when we would see each other in our respective cities, New York or LA, I would want to do the most. I'm like, let's do the coolest thing. Let's go to the coolest restaurant. Let's do, let's go away for this weekend and stay at this amazing hotel. And like just doing the most, which is not a horrible thing, but I was like,

I was not comfortable just being in the simple mundane everyday day to day. I wanted to make it the best that it could be because we didn't see each other as often as I would have liked. And again, I'm someone who like wants you to see like the best parts of me. But it really forced us to be in those small moments, especially COVID when he came to visit me, live with me for three plus months and

We were in the day-to-day, not being able to leave the house, small moments, and we realized the power of those and just how it's those that actually fuel our relationship and our love for one another. And we're able to pick up on the nuances in who each other are and where we're at. And it's just a really beautiful thing and a beautiful practice within your relationship to...

honor and be in those tiny moments, those just mundane moments with people that you love. So if you're listening and you're dating in your 20s, hi, I see you. Oh my gosh, are you nodding? Does my experience sound like yours right now? Maybe you're in their 30s and you're dating, y'all. I love that we are waiting to rather not settling on

for anything less than what we deserve. And sometimes that takes us into our 30s and 40s. Trust the timing of your life is what I'll say. And it's cheesy and annoying to hear, but it's so true. I would love for you to walk away from this solo with just a felt sense or maybe an awareness now of what makes you feel secure and what makes you feel anxious in a relationship. And maybe you have a few people you're dating right now. Who makes you feel secure? Who makes you feel anxious?

And getting really honest about that. Noticing communication. What do you desire in a relationship as far as communication? What do you deserve? What makes your nervous system feel good? That should be the standard. Do not settle for anything less. And notice, notice when you feel calm with someone. Notice when it feels like home. Notice when you can lean back

Notice just when your shoulders can drop, right? Your jaw unclenches. You can just be yourself, honestly, as opposed to being in the chaos and feeling like you need to be someone that you're not. Notice these things around people.

I'm sure you're already unconsciously noticing them and maybe your body is giving you some indications, but to become consciously aware I think is like the next freaking step because then we can consciously make choices that support how we want to feel. If I could tell my 20-something self anything, you know, how she was dating, I would say love isn't supposed to be confusing. If

Someone wants to be with you. You don't have to chase them. I would say to her, I respect how you are needing to trust in order to be more of yourself. I see you dating people in your 20s that you can't trust, therefore you're not yourself. But prioritize trusting someone, building trust with someone, and then see the attraction build and the relationship deepen.

Because Lord, we were not prioritizing trust whatsoever back then. So there you have it, dating in my 20s. How it affected, how it affects my marriage today. It's been pretty, pretty profound. And I appreciate you listening. I just am sending a big hug to anyone out there in relationship. It is just, it is like my greatest vehicle for growth. My friendships, my intimate relationships. I'm just so thankful I'm at a place where

I'm like willing to go in, you know, and really show up for it and do the hard things. So I love you. You're the best.

Thank you for listening to Almost 30. You can learn more about us at almost30.com. Pre-order our book at almost30.com slash book. You can follow me on Instagram at lindsaysimsic. I am sharing just life musings, especially around motherhood right now. That feels like my personal brand and I appreciate you supporting me there. Watch us on YouTube. All of our episodes are on YouTube. Check them out. All right, y'all. I will see you on the next one.

Thank you. Bye.