Shownotes Transcript
You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'. ♪ If you're stuck in a relationship quandary ♪ ♪ Or if you're looking for a sexual party ♪ ♪ Well, there's nothing you can't ask ♪ ♪ On the Savage Love Cast ♪
It's going to be a quick one this week. And hey, maybe you guys prefer the quick intros. I don't know. I do hope so, though, because we're going to have a few over the next couple of weeks. We're traveling to see family this summer. Trips and visits that are long overdue. This weekend, we were in Iowa where we celebrated my niece's graduation from high school. My niece shares my name. Her name is Danny. There's another Danny Savage running around out there.
And now that Dani is 18 years old and a high school graduate, she is officially old enough to listen to her uncle's podcast. So let's all welcome Dani to the chat. Even though I was in Iowa, I made it to a No Kings protest this weekend. I hope you did too. We attended the nearest one to us, which was in Waterloo, Iowa, population 66,000.
There were more than 2,000 people at the No Kings demonstration in Waterloo, which was just one of the more than 1,800 demonstrations against Trump and authoritarianism all over the country. Demonstrations that brought more than 5 million people into the streets. Demonstrations that made Trump's little military birthday parade in Washington, D.C. look pathetic by comparison. And comparisons were made.
But I gotta say, the turnout in Waterloo, Blood Red, Iowa was huge.
To put it in context, if the same percentage of the population of New York City showed up at a demonstration, New York City has 8.25 million people in it, that would have meant a quarter of a million people in the streets. 2,000 out of 66,000, those are impressive numbers. Good on you, Waterloo. These protests, man, they're gathering steam. And being part of the crowd in Waterloo gave me hope.
All right, quickly before we start the show, it is June. This is a sex podcast. I am legally required to say something every year about kink at Pride. I'm for it. We've talked about this before. Kink at Pride. Pride is a celebration of the LGBT community. Kinky queer people, especially kinky gay men, have been marching.
At Pride, since the first Pride parade in 1970 in New York City, a bisexual leather woman helped organize that first Pride parade commemorating the first anniversary of the Stonewall riots. And now, basically every year since that first Pride parade in 1970, right-wing bigots have been out there complaining about all the perverts at Pride. And
and trying to convince people that the queer community is nothing but perverts. And now we have this sex negative contingent of the queer community to deal with these hyper online Gen Z queers who complain every year on socials about kink at pride to both groups. I say, if you can't explain the concept of fun costumes and adults being silly to your kids, don't bring your kids to pride.
To the tender queers out there, if you can't handle the sight of adults in fetish gear and the mental images that conjures up for you, don't bring yourself to pride. I agree though, 100%, wanna say with Pup Amp, co-host of the What's the Safe Word podcast.
If you're telling people they don't belong at Pride, which maybe I kind of just did, then you're the one who doesn't belong at Pride, except for me. I belong at Pride. But I may have found, actually, I may have hit a limit to kink at Pride. There may be a limit to kink at Pride I can get behind. Some people I want to tell, not that they can't come to Pride, but maybe that they should show up differently. Maybe they should come to Pride in their civvies. I'm talking here about
Hinky straight people. Harrison, someone I started following on socials for the shaggy hair and muppet face, the algo knows my type, but I've kept following for the smart urbanism and great politics. Harrison was at a pride celebration this weekend and posted this. Saw three couples using leashes yesterday and all three were hetero.
All right, first for the record, I don't want to engage in an act of accidental bi erasure here. Those couples, all three of them could have been bi in full or in part, but it is a fact that straight kinksters, straight perverts have been showing up at pride in greater and greater numbers over the last decade and change, which is fine or I guess would be fine, but it's having a kind of distorting effect.
The presence of so many straight kinksters and kink gear at Pride and events like Folsom SF makes it look like queers are far likelier to be kinky than straight people are, which is not true. But the presence of so many straight kinky people who briefly read as queer kinky people because they're at Pride is throwing the kinkster to normie ratios, the perceptions, throwing them out of whack.
And I'm going to be blunt here. This is not true of all the straight kinksters at Pride, but it's certainly true of some of the kinky straight people showing up at Pride events like Folsom with some, for some, from some of them. It doesn't feel like allyship. It feels like opportunism. And when you combine the straight male nudists and the straight male guys in diapers and the opposite sex, might be queer couples, don't know, don't want to do a bi erasure here,
But the straight couples on leashes or opposite sex couples on leashes, men being led around pride or fulsome on leashes by women. And then when you remember that there are so many more kinky straight people than there are kinky gay people, there are probably more kinky straight people in real numbers than there are gay people at all.
You can see how kinky people showing up at Pride could get out of hand. Look, I'm not telling anyone not to come to Pride and kink belongs at Pride and straight people are welcome at Pride. But maybe straight kinky people leave kink at Pride for the kinky queer people at Pride. And no, I'm sorry, being kinky does not make you queer. Just like being queer does not make you kinky.
Again, straight people, you can come to Pride. Come be allies. Come to cheer. But maybe leave the leash at home. Or save the leash and getting your kink on in public for the Straight Pride Parade, also known as Halloween.
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, plus our next installment of After Action Report. Sucking Dick, I am a fan, longtime practitioner actually, always makes me feel good. But what is it like for a straight guy who sucked dick for the first time at a small orgy? How did he like it? Is he a fan now too? Is he a convert?
Find out in our latest After Action Report, which is in the Micro and Magnum editions of the show. And on the Magnum exclusively, there was only one woman I wanted to talk to when I was stuck at home getting over COVID. Comedian, author, TV critic, and trash TV connoisseur, Ashley Ray of the TV I Say podcast.
Ashley's recommendations were a godsend when I was stuck at home with COVID, just what I needed. So if you're stuck at home with COVID or anything else right now, you are definitely going to want to listen to my conversation with comedian Ashley Ray in the Magnum edition of this week's podcast, which is for subscribers only. But speaking of subscribing, through the end of June, you can get a Magnum subscription for half price.
Become a supporter of the show or gift a sub to a curious pal. For the full podcast, bonus questions in the column, invites to Savage Love Live, and more. Get the full podcast. Get all the Savage Love you've got coming to you by subscribing at savage.love. Subscribe. All right, Nancy, hit me with that first question.
This episode is brought to you by Good Vibes, your one-stop destination for premium adult toys, lube, books, and everything in between. So whether you're flying solo or playing with partners, Good Vibes has something for every kind of love. Head to goodvibes.com slash savage and use code savage15 for 15% off.
Do it. Do it for yourself. Do it for your partners because everyone deserves good vibes. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
This episode is brought to you by Dipsy, an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Right now, you can get a 30-day free trial plus 25% off your annual subscription when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech savants. Cis gay male here, and I have a question for you.
I would like to know why you're so sure that it is post-nut clarity and not post-nut confusion. Can you please offer some clarity around my confusion? Why are you so sure it's that and not the other? Post-nut clarity, or what have I done? When we are aroused, when we're engaged in
dickful thinking. It can lead to motivated reasoning. It can lead us to do things that when we're confronted with them and with the clarity that comes post-ejaculation, we may feel conflicted about. Maybe it should be called post-nut clarity, post-nut confusion, post-nut internal and possibly externalized internal conflict. As I have said before a couple of times, it's
One of the most dangerous places in the world for a gay man or a trans woman to be is in a room alone with a straight identified man entering his refractory period, achieving a state of post-nut clarity where he goes, oh my God, I just had sex with a
Dude, if we're talking about a gay man in a room with a straight man, or I've just had sex with a trans woman or someone with a penis, if he's in the room with a trans woman. And it's not quite scales falling from our eyes. It's just...
having to sort of fully confront who you are sexually and what turns you on. And maybe there is a way of looking at the arousal phase as clarity because when you are aroused, it is clear. You are pretty clear about what it is you want, what it is that's turning you on, but you can achieve a kind of zombie-assed, dick override of judgment and ego or super ego or id place where you're
The dick is driving. And then you come and your brain takes over and you have to think about what it is you've done and who it is you are. And in that moment, that moment of clarity, as everything comes into focus, arousal is kind of blurring. As everything comes into focus after orgasm, yeah, it is a state that you could describe as
clear. It's also a state you could describe as conflicted. People use post-nut clarity, I think most often in reference to those kinds of sexual experiences that took somebody or somebody took themselves outside their own comfort zone and then has to think about it. They start to think about it. They start to think again. The brain re-engages again after their balls are drained.
So, you can call it post-nut clarity. That's what you want to call it. Call it post-nut confusion. Call it post-nut clarity.
conflict, which for some it is. But we all know what we're talking about when we refer to post-nut whatever. Post-nut sounds like a breakfast cereal, but most people post-nut, if they're not closeted or conflicted about the people that they're attracted to or their desires, post-nut, they just want to go have some ice cream. Post-nut, they just want to cuddle or roll over and watch some TV or go to sleep. Post-nut,
And those desires for cuddles, for aftercare, for ice cream, for some trash TV, that's also a kind of clarity. Hey, Dan. What?
When I'm with people and having sex and stuff, I usually don't come. I don't come not because of death grip syndrome or intimacy issues, but because when I do come, my refractory period is like immediate and intense in that I like want to pass the fuck out and I want to not talk to anybody. And when I do come with other people, I then like, it's fun, right? I come and then I suddenly have to like
really work against everything that my body is telling me rather than not be an asshole to someone that I'm like lying in bed with because I'd rather just like roll over and ignore them. And I know that sounds like maybe like just a dude problem of like, I don't want to do the thing that's hard or whatever, but it's really, it's like a shutdown that goes through my whole body. That's like, I just want to like sleep and, and I get, I get really sensitive. I get really annoyed with like chatting or yeah,
Yeah, like stimulation, I guess. So as long as there's anything I can do about that. Usually I just don't come with people and it's fine for me. I don't mind it. I actually like it. It's not a problem. It's not my priority. Coming is not the point of sex for me. But like I realized that recently, like how hardcore it does feel when I do come with someone because then I don't want to be a dick, but I'm just like, I feel like being a dick.
Your refractory period is your refractory period. Your particular experience of your very particular and unique refractory period is...
how you experience your refractory period, your control for it at the moment so as not to traumatize the people that you're having sex with by suddenly needing to get the fuck away from them the minute you come is to not prioritize coming with sex partners, new sex partners. I think that's a pretty good strategy because if
I was with somebody and they came and then they acted like they wished I didn't exist or I had somehow during their orgasm evaporated into a cloud of pink smoke. That might hurt my feelings. Of course, I don't expect somebody in their refractory period to want to continue to engage in sexual activities. You know, one of the things that rushes over a man during his refractory period is
as the prolactin surges through his system, is kind of dick kryptonite, anti-desire. The things that you were just doing or asking for, the second you come, just aren't as appealing anymore. It's sort of a cliche in gay land, the number of guys who tell you that...
They want you to, quote unquote, make them eat their cum or spit their cum into their mouths after they cum in yours. And that turns them on so much until the split second that they cum in your mouth, in which case deal is off. That's common. That's common. But having to pull away physically entirely is not, right? People expect maybe a couple of cuddles. So anyway, this is a long way of me saying that.
Yours is a normal if extreme male refractory period crash out. Everybody crashes out. Most guys crash out. There's a handful of guys out there whose bodies don't produce prolactin or something. Jury's still out on what exactly is going on with them. Who can have orgasm after orgasm. Don't lose their erection after an orgasm. Don't lose interest in sex after an orgasm. Those guys crash.
rare. I have encountered two in my long life. Anyway, I think what you're doing right now is a good idea. Just prioritize your partner's sexual pleasure. Either fake an orgasm if somebody really is invested in you coming, which it is possible for a man to do, particularly if a man is wearing a condom. Or just tell them that you want to come later or you're not going to come right now or you can't come right now. Dot, dot, dot. But then at some point it feels like
You could bring someone into your inner circle, into your circle of trust by explaining to a regular sex partner who's never gotten to see you come that you crash out in this very particular way that when you come, you kind of need to roll over and close your eyes and be alone. And for you,
That's aftercare. For most people, that wouldn't look like aftercare. Like you want to hold someone after they come. You want to rest with somebody after they've come or after they've made you come. That you want to kind of bask in the oxytocin of it all and just enjoy the post-orgasmic high, the vibe, but not you. That's not how it works for you. And if you could tell someone that the aftercare that you need at that moment is
if they want to be with you when you come, is for them to leave you the fuck alone. That's the hug that you need. That's the acknowledgement of who you are and how you work. How orgasms and sex work for you that you need is a minute. You just need a minute. And it's not because you're awash with shame. It's not because you suddenly loathe them. It's because it has always been thus. After an orgasm,
What you need is a nap. All right? So how long does that nap need to be? I think that's the other control here that you could put into place with trusted partners. You need some time alone. Obviously, you don't need eternity alone because you want to have sex again at some point. You need 45 minutes. Do you need a half an hour? Do you need 15 minutes? Do you need a couple of hours? Do you need the rest of the night?
Do they need to get up and go to the other room and hang out and play video games for a few minutes? And then they can come back and you'll be more receptive to physical contact because you just need that 45 minutes of turning inside, of rolling over and...
Being by yourself after an orgasm. If you can frame that as something that a loving and caring sex partner, a loving, caring and understanding sex partner can do for you, can give to you in that moment and understand and understand, of course, in the context of all the times that you had sex with them when you didn't orgasm because you didn't want to freak them the fuck out.
That they can give this to you. They can do this for you. And it's not about them or them having done anything wrong. Or you disliking them. Obviously, if they're a regular, trusted, repeat customer sex partner, or a very special guest star you're having back again and again and again, you do like them. And they shouldn't read anything into how your refractory period plays out for you. So,
Keep doing what you're doing. And then every once in a while, sit somebody down and say, there's something I need to explain to you. There's something I need you to do for me when I come, when we have sex, which will always be after I make you come with me because of this. You will always come first and sell it as a perk.
This episode is brought to you by Good Vibes, your one-stop destination for premium adult toys, lube, books, and everything in between. So whether you're flying solo or playing with partners, Good Vibes has something for every kind of love. Head to goodvibes.com slash savage and use code savage15 for 15% off. Do it. Do it for yourself. Do it for your partners because everyone deserves Good Vibes. Hi, Daniel.
I'm calling in for what has probably become an annual question for you, and it was a result of walking around Pride Parade celebrations. Now, I'm a straight ally. I'm comfortable. I look forward to going to Pride. Outside of
what feels like it's out of hand. I feel like when I was walking around today, I was watching somebody vomiting in the street, and another person was so drunk that they were being carried around by a bunch of people. I don't know what to think. Do you think pride is out of hand or that the focus or purpose of pride? What are your thoughts?
I think you need to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade. I think you need to go to Mardi Gras. I think you need to go to a city that's having a parade to celebrate winning a World Series title or a Super Bowl championship. And you will see at the St. Patrick's Day parade, I hope you're an ally to the Irish as well, you will see people a little drunk, a little messy out in public drinking.
celebrating. That's part of pride. There's a weird kind of scrutiny that falls on pride that seems a little homophobic, a little queer phobic, which is this idea that everyone at pride has to be on their best behavior because our straight allies might show up or our straight enemies might show up. Fox news might show up with their cameras and we have to
behave better than the drunk Irish boys are behaving on St. Patrick's Day or the topless girls or the girls flashing their tits, the adult women flashing their tits for beads at Mardi Gras are expected to behave. Pride is a party. It is a party mostly for adults. Years ago, I proposed that we
Move pride out of the morning that pride become in America, like Mardi Gras in Sydney, which is their pride parade. And the pride parade is at night and it's sort of understood to be kind of a thing for adults. And then there is a big party celebration in the park. That's for everybody, including families. I think that'd be a really good division, a really good way to divide up pride. Also, then we wouldn't have to watch drag Queens melt in the sun at noon or
In June, at the Pride Parade, drag queens are nocturnal, or they traditionally were. And I think it would be, as somebody who used to do drag myself and have to go to the Pride Parade, I think it would be better if Pride was at night. Those nighttime lights, those streetlights, more flattering than the noontime sun. Anyway, yeah.
You will see at Pride some people who've had a little too much. You may see some people at Pride who are nervous about going and had a drink or two, some liquid courage, maybe a little too much liquid courage. I...
Full disclosure, once when I was 18 years old and I went to my first pride parade in Chicago, got invited to a party at somebody's apartment near the pride parade where drinks were served and I had a few drinks and I'm not, wasn't then a big drinker. I didn't really drink in high school. I was one of those people standing at the side of the pride parade puking into the bushes because I was nervous about
I was nervous. I was especially nervous then because I wasn't out to most of my family and a lot of my family are cops and there are cops at the pride parade. And I was worried about being seen there and I needed that liquid courage. And I barfed into the bushes on Broadway Avenue in Chicago at two o'clock at the pride parade in 1982 or whatever it was. I don't remember.
It happens. Look around. Look for the helpers, Mr. Rogers says. Whenever there's a disaster or somebody's done something terrible, look for the helpers.
At Pride, look for the not pukers. Most people at Pride are not puking. But yeah, it's a party. And in America, maybe, yeah, there's a little too much substance abuse generally and too many, well, maybe fewer now, booze companies pushing their wares at Pride parades because suddenly Anheuser-Busch doesn't want to be associated with the sodomites anymore. See ya, Anheuser-Busch. Fuck you.
Anyway, yeah, maybe there'll be less boozing now. But there's always going to be a little bit of boozing. And you will see at Pride what you're looking for. If you want to see something that, hey, probably shouldn't
Be happening out in public where a kid might see it, most likely not understand it either. You can see that at Pride. If you want to see somebody who's a little too drunk to be out in public, you can see that at Pride. But you can also see lots of people at Pride who are not doing anything that would shock your mom, who are sober, or who had one or two and are responsible, who are
Managed to enjoy a cocktail or two at a brunch before heading out to the parade, but
but didn't get so messy that they're, like I was in 1982, barfing their guts out into the bushes on the side of the Pride Parade. Anyway, pride. We are not required at Pride. Queer people are not required for the benefit of our straight allies to be on our best behavior any more than everybody at the St. Patrick's Day Parade is required to be on their best behavior, lest they...
bring the Irish into disrepute. Oh yeah. And some of those people barfing into the bushes that you're going to see at pride parades, straight people, a lot of straight people come to pride. Just like not everybody you see puking in the bushes at the St. Patrick's day parade is Irish. Not everybody you see debauching it up or puking it up at pride is queer. This episode is brought to you by field. No more dates that feel like job interviews.
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All right, it's time for another after action report. Have you tried something new recently? Something out of your sexual wheelhouse? Something that took you outside your comfort zone and had an experience? Maybe an adventure? Well, Ian did. Ian's a listener who is a straight man.
And Ian sucked a cock. Not something most straight men do or have done. Not something Ian had ever done until now. And he's here to tell us all about it in this installment of After Action Report. Joining us for this After Action Report, Ian. Ian, how are you?
I am doing great, Dan. It's a real pleasure to be here with you. So who are you and what did you do? What's the action you're here to report on? Well, my name is Ian, and I am an early 60s heterosexual long-term married guy who just a few months ago experienced receiving my first blowjob from another man and then returning the favor. All right. Who did you do this with?
So my wife and I have been married for almost 38 years. We opened up our relationship maybe about 10 years ago. And a couple of years ago, we fell into an ongoing relationship with another couple, somebody that we just dived with really well. And it sort of took a spontaneous turn toward the intimate when they came to visit us. We live about 700 miles apart, so we only see each other every three or four years. So we were recently together.
And at a certain point, he turned to his wife and said, hey, how about you girls be making out? And she got a little snappy with him and said, how about you fuck this car? He looked at me and I looked at him and he said, what do you think? I said, go for it. So he went down on me. And then after a few minutes, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, hey, it's time to return the favor.
So what was it like after 60 years of male heterosexuality to have a dick in your mouth for the first time? I remember what it was like for me after 16 years of being in the closet, but gay, what was it like for you after 60 years and being straight? Well, to be honest, it was fine for one thing. It was fine. To be honest, I had actually thought about it for quite a while. In fact, I had thought about it with this particular person.
and didn't know if we would ever go there. I know enough about anatomy to know that a clitoris and a penis are basically the same thing physiologically. So from that standpoint, it didn't squig me out or make it weird at all. It kind of confirmed our relationship a little bit on a new level. We were both very comfortable with it. It didn't threaten either man's masculinity or anything like that. What about your sexual identity, your sexual orientation? Did you identify as bi now? Did one dick do the trick?
I would say I'm still 98% heterosexual and in the right situation, I'm totally open to doing something like this again. So there is, of course, in the culture, some allowance for or understanding of some same-sex contact between two women at a threesome to delight the man.
Or two women during a situation where two couples might be swapping, two opposite-sex couples, two straight couples might be swinging together. And it's almost like everybody gets it, that two women can mess around a little bit, and it doesn't mean they're not straight women. And sometimes they're performing for the men. So they're sort of instrumentalizing lesbian behavior, same-sex bisexual behavior, same-sex contact.
to a heterosexual end, to arouse the desire of their heterosexual male partners. Do you understand what you did at that moment when your friend's partner challenged you two to make out or for him to go down on you? Did you understand the homosexual, technically homosexual sex that you're having at that moment as in the service of heterosexual desire? Or did you understand it as the realization of homosexual attraction? No, I absolutely understood it as essentially
performing for the girl. We talked about it later. Both women found it very hot, very arousing. And so in that sense, I knew it was performing for them. But at the same time, it was also really enjoyable and satisfying for he and I to connect on that level. We, you know, like I said, we have this interrelationship with the four of us. But he and I, he's one of my best friends. And the women, they are best friends. And we have this really nice, where it works all the way around every side of the square. So,
In that sense, it was for us too. Have you ever seen the SNL skit, It's Not Gay in a Three-Way? Oh, I've missed that one.
Featuring Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga and Andy Samberg, which basically makes the argument that it's not just women who can have some gay sex during a three-way and still be straight after, but also dudes could do that. Even dudes as straight reading as Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. So you already have an anthem for what it is you did, even though you allow that there was a little like,
The little layer there where it was same-sex attraction that you were experiencing, it was just framed a little differently. So you still identify as straight.
I still identify as straight and I still totally admit that I have attraction for certain men at certain times. I have my lesbian firefighters. We all have our weaknesses. So would you do this again? You've already kind of answered that question. You would. Anything you would do differently? No, it was really a great experience. I would absolutely do it again. In fact, we will be seeing them in a couple of weeks for a couple of first few days.
And I actually look forward to maybe seeing if I can engineer it to happen again. Any advice for other guys out there who are straight identified? They've been straight all their lives, straight for decades, but they've been having some three ways with another dude and the wife or the girlfriend or messing around with another couple together or just have thought about what it might be like to suck a dick.
and might want to do it. Any advice for a guy in your position before you suck that dick? Sure. Acknowledge the thoughts that are in your head. Admit that they're there. Admit that you might have some attraction. And...
Remember that physiologically a penis and a clitoris are really not that different from each other. That's not going to work on me, though. I'm sorry, but that's not going to work on me. I got into vicinity once. I was like inches away and I was just like, so, you know, when you try to push two magnets together and they're turned around the wrong way. That was me. I wound up on the other side of the room like the magnet.
With the reverse polarization flying to the other side of the room. So I understand what you're saying. And I made that argument before, you know, the female genitals and male genitals, it's made from the same basic stuff. And a dick is an enormous clitoris and a clitoris is a tiny penis. But I guess I can't quite get there. So you're a better man than I.
Well, and I guess after the fact, have a conversation. Like, how was it for you? How was it for me? He and I talked about it. The four of us talked about it. And we decided it was all good.
Anything that played in your mind when it was over? Because I remember, like for me, it was like going through an airlock. There was the Dan I was at 16 before I had a dick in my mouth for the first time. And the Dan I was walking home the next morning who had had a dick in his mouth. And those felt like very different Dans at that moment. Do you feel like a different Ian now? No, I feel like the Ian who was already in there and I just never had the opportunity to introduce myself to him.
Ian, thank you so much for coming on After Action Report and sharing what is pretty momentous. The straight guy sucked the deck. That's like not nothing. That's something. Thank you. My pleasure.
All right, a big round of applause for Ian, both for trying something new and for coming on the Savage Lovecast to tell us all about it. If you, you out there listening right now, if you recently had a new sexual experience, tried something for the first time, whether the experience was good or bad, we do want to hear about the disasters too. Email us your story at qatsavage.love.com.
with the subject line After Action Report, and you might be our next After Action Report guest.
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Hi, Dan. I'm a 39-year-old married straight cis male and I have a question about prostate stimulation. I've enjoyed doing some prostate stimulation via the perineum during masturbation. I recently asked my wife if she would want to participate and she enthusiastically said yes. I've
I've enjoyed perineal and perianal stimulation from her orally and digitally, but the couple of times we tried transrectal or rectal stimulation, single finger with lube, it's been lackluster. Are there any tips and tricks to make it better? At what point do I just chalk it up to as not for me?
So you know your prostate is wired because prostate stimulation involving pressure on the perineum, you're able to hit it. You're able to stimulate your prostate and that sensation is distinct for you. What isn't working is digital penetration, which is not the only kind of penetration that you can explore with your wife or with friends.
toys, but digital penetration isn't working for you. Why isn't it working for you? You don't mention pain. You don't mention it being difficult for your wife to get her fingers in there. It sounds like you're using lots of lube. Maybe it's just what you're using. Maybe a finger. There are lots of people out there, I know some personally, who enjoy dicks and toys of certain sizes, but really do not like
Being fingered. Fingers are skinny and bony. Fingernails are, if they're not trimmed, sharp. It may be that it's a little counterintuitive. I realize, especially when you're talking to straight guys about anal penetration, it may be that you're starting too small, that the finger is too small and your sphincter closes too tightly around it and you aren't then achieving a kind of relaxation of the sphincter state that allows you to
really be open literally and metaphorically to prostate stimulation delivered through insertion play. My advice for you would be to get a couple of butt plugs. Maybe a dildo is too much for you for some straight guys. Something that looks just like a dick is psychologically problematic and you know, uh, to,
buy a hurdle to leap in early explorations. And not a hurdle anybody is required to leap, even if they go for bigger and bigger toys, bigger and bigger, longer, deeper explorations of the butt. You can stick to toys that do not look like dicks. But I think what you want is something wider and thicker. And I would encourage you to get a butt plug
Not a really skinny one, not one that looks like a finger. You want something that really widens out before it gets very narrow, before the much wider base. A kind of set it and forget it toy that's wide enough to put pressure directly onto your prostate area.
and then stimulate your perineum like you're used to, like you have successfully in the past when you've enjoyed prostate stimulation, when you've managed to hit your prostate from outside your body. And then you'll be nailing your prostate from two sides. There'll be pressure on your prostate from the butt plug in your ass and pleasure being directed, the right kind of pleasure being directed at your prostate from outside, from the perineum, from whatever it was that you were using, pressure or vibrators. And then we'll see. We'll see if...
Penetration is a mode that is going to be pleasurable to you. But my hunch is not that you can't possibly experience pleasure in this way. My hunch is that you're one of those guys that fingers don't feel good. Fingers don't work for. You need something bigger. All right, time for some listener feedback. First up, a few comments listeners left yesterday.
about last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Zoftig the Magnificent, community, that came up on the show, community. I grew up in a small town and everything Dan said about the gay community pretty much tracks with what a real community is like.
The problem is that we have this really romanticized idea of community based on our little fractured cherry-picked tribes. Real community is kind of like biological family where you don't have a lot of choice or control, which isn't to say there aren't a lot of benefits. Community like that forces you to engage with people you'd never choose to hang out with and you can learn a lot. And while people can be mean on the micro scale, they still have your back on the macro.
says Jody about Tinkle Girl. As a woman who started squirting in her 30s, can I suggest getting a waterproof blanket from Liberator? Full disclosure, Liberator is an advertiser here on the Savage Lovecast. This is an endorsement, not from me for a change, but from a listener. Liberator, we have them in several sizes, Jody continues, including a travel size, and they have been lifesavers. I would also suggest a waterproof mattress cover for your bed.
I also find I actually squirt less with a full bladder. Our hypothesis is my bladder is holding in the pee already, so it works extra hard to hold in the squirt as well.
Says BGN, Dan, we do not need a 10 minute monologue and discussion on genital preferences every time a trans question comes up. It's begun to feel like you have trans men on the podcast just so you can ask them this question and get validation for your own dislike of vaginas. As soon as you said trans comedian in the intro, I knew this is where the conversation would go because you do it every time. All
All right, BGN, I am aware that we've addressed this topic before. What you're not aware of, BGN, is that I could address this topic every week because I am constantly getting questions about it, most of which I don't use on the show.
But I shared that particular question I got with comedian Nico Carney because it was from a slightly different perspective than the questions we usually hear about genital preferences from cis people who are feeling guilty or guilted about having a genital preference.
That question was from a trans man wondering if his genital preferences were problematic. Sharing that particular question with the trans man I had on that particular show when it came in seemed worthwhile, and Nico Carney knocked it out of the park.
Speaking of Nico, says Dimples and Dumples, after hearing Nico Carney on the podcast, I checked out his standup. It is hilarious and great. I will have to keep an eye out to see more from him. I listened to the Justin Bieber bit of his five times since he starts with it in a lot of clips, and I laughed every single time. Great guest, Dan.
All right. To read more listener comments, go to savage.love. Click on the latest Lovecast or column or struggle session. Scroll down to the bottom and there you will find my readers and listeners sharing thoughtful comments. And sometimes every once in a while, my readers, my listeners have better advice from my callers and my letter writers than I do. Check out the comments and join the convo yourself today at savage.love.
And now some of the voicemails Savage Love listeners left on our answering machine about last week's show. Hey, Dan. I'm also somebody who loses my keys and my phones regularly. And I have a little device. The one I have is called a Tile, but there are other ones. You attach the device to the things that get lost, and then you can call those things.
from another phone. So if you had the app on your phone, you could call your husband's phone keys and wallet. They have little thin ones that will fit in the wallet. And yeah, then it makes a little beeping sound and you can follow the beeps and find the thing a lot easier. It's helped me a lot, except when I lose both my phone keys and wallet, that's kind of a problem. Hey, Dan, this is in response to the woman
whose partner is looking for an intellectual equal for his engineering PhD and keeps belittling her about it. Dan, I agree with you. This seems like a relationship sabotaging tactic, but I'm calling to add context as the guy who is in the relationship that this guy is seeking out. My wife and I have been together for about 15 years. We both do PhD level physics and she's an engineering professor. So two things for him.
First, sharing an academic field with your partner is not the panacea that he's making it out to be. At worst, it can mix work and relationships in an unhealthy way, and at best, it's the icing on the cake in a relationship, kind of like sharing a favorite sports team or hobby, but it's definitely not a solid foundation.
Second, most women PhDs in the hard sciences have gone through a gauntlet of misogyny to earn their degrees and stay in their field. So given how the caller characterizes this guy, I have a hunch that he will have an extremely tough time convincing any of the women in his field to be anything more than professional colleagues, given how many guys like this they've probably had to endure.
And finally, for the caller, the guy, and all of your listeners, please understand that a PhD signifies expertise in a specific field of study and definitely not general intelligence. These are two entirely different things and should not be conflated.
If you have an engineering question, you should probably trust this guy, but for any other topic, one should assume he's probably no more or less informed or qualified than the average person. Academia is rife with people with PhDs who think that that entitles them to act like they're more intelligent than everyone else. The rest of us in academia refer to these people as toxic assholes, and I think everyone else should too.
And we're going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question directly onto our website. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment by sending it to q at savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and
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