A Tracksuit Pants & A Puffer Jacket Movie Star - Uncut with Urzila Carlson
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. ♪

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. I'm Laura. Today, I am so excited about our guest. She's not new to Life Uncut. In fact, we did have her on the podcast three years ago, which seems crazy. The one and only Ursula Carlson. Now, we interviewed you about a bunch of stuff three years ago, but you've done a lot in the interim. You've become a Hollywood star alongside Amy Schumer in Almost Pregnant, which- Kinda pregnant. Sorry. Okay.

Kind of pregnant. Kind of pregnant. You might be almost pregnant. Almost kind of pregnant. Which had like 25 million streams on Netflix. I think it was one of the highest grossing films. Yeah, I think at the last count when I stopped opening emails, it was just over 50 million. Is it? Well done. It went nuts. Yeah. I like that you get to a point where you're like, I don't bother to open the emails. No, because it's...

It's like, I don't, you know what? It's not even that I get arrogant about it. It's because I don't understand what it means. Yeah, fair. I mean, no, I get it. It means you're uber famous. No, I get it. But it's like, also, you have to account in people's facility to maintain that attention span. Because people just look at me and I can tell. They're like, where the fuck do you know you from? And you can.

I can see it in their eyes. You can't say to someone at the deli counter, I was in a movie. I don't. I'm sorry. If you've been viewed 50 million times, that is the biggest flex. If someone looks sideways at me, I'd be like, yeah, almost kind of pregnant. They'd be like, no, can you just pass me the tuna? I'd be like.

I'd be saying it left, right and center. There's a lot more merit to that than people looking at you like they have some vague recognition and you're like, yeah, I was on The Bachelor seven years ago. So don't worry. This is what we have to deal with is more embarrassing. I mean, when you say it like that, I hear you and I take it on board. Well, you've just also...

finished your successful run of Melbourne International Comedy Festival shows and you are at the start of your tour. We were just talking, you're going to North America, UK, New Zealand, Ireland, Australia. So we're going to get into all of that. I absolutely can't wait. You've also had a divorce in the interim. Oh,

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the divorce came through. It would have been about two, three years ago. Well, no. What happened? I mean, something you guys don't know from listening to the last interview that we did with Ursula. So we sat down. We had this great chat. Talked about your childhood. Talked about everything. Guns. Like shows, kids, guns. There was a lot going on in that show. Or grenades. Sorry, producer Keisha's like, we spoke about grenades. Yeah. It was growing up. I mean, like, yeah, different time. And then we stopped record. And at the end of that episode, you said,

we start recording now and I was like yep and you go I couldn't say it but yeah I'm in the middle of a divorce at the moment you're like it's not really well known but I've got a comedy show coming out about it soon so everyone will know how

do you find talking about your personal life and like big, like very hard things that people go through? We haven't done anything unfiltered yet. I know, we're coming back to it, but I'm taking a segue. How do you find turning that then into comedy or is everything like, is there anything that's off limits? You know what I, okay, the only things I won't joke about is rape and abuse, right? But I honestly think like I talk about my divorce, I talk about my relationship failing, I talk about my weight, I talk about everything.

that's happening in my life I talk about because I think we all can relate to everything my mom just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's I've chucked that in I talk about that in the show but I did ask her I said to her is that because she doesn't remember you talk about it you're allowed no you'd hope she forgets everything but no she's still she because she can hyper fixate on some stuff so when I did the previous show I said to her can I because some of the stuff is so funny and

And I say to her, can I use this stuff? So she said, yeah, you can use that and that, but not that, not that. Two of the stuff. She's like, absolutely not. So I'm like, okay, I won't use it. But she goes, you can tell your friends. So I tell the audience now. I say, I want to tell you, I said, there's two other things that I think is the funniest bits, but I'm not allowed to tell you because mom said, I said, but you have to make friends with me in about five to seven years. I'll tell you the joke.

Come back in five to seven years. Yeah, yeah. You're playing the hard, long game. Yeah, I just think because there's so many people who come to the show every year and so they knew when I got engaged, I told them. When I got married, I told them. When we were having babies, it's in my material. So now, of course, divorce is part of it. We all go through it, you know, if you're lucky enough. And –

I'm not married yet, but I look forward to the divorce. Thank you. It's a good time. It's a good time. So, yeah. So then I got divorced and I said, I'm going to tell him. I don't want to. I can't lie to my audience. I think people know they can sense bullshit. Yeah. And so I'm not. What am I going to do for the next five years? Talk about a wife I don't have? Yeah.

But it's also where you mine your content from, right? Like you have to get the content from what you're living every single day. We do it the same here. Like Laura did her gender reveal for her new baby on air, live. Like that's what you got to do. You got to give him something, right? Yeah. Yeah. But it's true. It's like, well, you're going to talk about it. You're going to talk about it down the track. Totally. So you might as well. Well, yeah.

I know we are about to get into what we already have, but you always have the most brilliant stories. Can you kickstart with an accidentally unfiltered and embarrassing story? Yeah. I...

I actually, because it's very hard for me to find anything that's embarrassing because I'm unashamed of everything I've ever done. But this one, so I used to open for Chelsea Handler whenever she'd be in Auckland or whatever. I'd go open for her. But I also did heaps of other stuff with her. Like I know her. I have a phone number. We send messages to each other. We did some writing together. What was the last message you sent to Chelsea Handler? For her 50th birthday. I said, happy birthday, you slut. And, um.

She said, how's your mom? Yeah, yeah. And so we were just, you know, sort of back and forth, back and forth. Anyway, but when she came to New Zealand the last time, I said, look, I can't open for you again. Get someone else to open for you. I go, but we can go for dinner. And then we go, but I wait for her after the show. I watch the show. Then after the show, I wait for her. But I'm standing outside her dressing room.

And she's in Sawyer and finishing up. But it's me to a manager, Tom. And there's two cleaning ladies waiting with like buckets and mops and, you know, and blue overalls.

So that she can leave and they can go clean the dressing room. So Chelsea walks out. Now, I'm just sitting here on the right against the wall. She walks straight out, straight across to the cleaning lady. And she goes, Ursh, good to see you. And then she hugs her like full, you know, that full underneath. Embrace. Like full.

again, like full tit on tit hug with this woman. And immediately to a minute, Tom wanted to stop this. And I was like, no, let's see where this goes. And then, but as soon as she hugged the cleaner, the cleaner immediately hugged her back. Clearly knowing her name is not Ursh. What the hell are you doing? Like if someone goes, Susan, I go, I'm not Susan. No, it's Josie Hamer. You take your opportunity. You take your fucking hand.

Yeah, but she immediately embraced her back, right? And she closed her eyes during the hug. And I was like, I don't know what this bitch has been through, but she needed this hug. You could tell she needed this, right? And then I'm looking at her and she's sort of smiling and she opens her eyes and she's smiling at me. And in that moment, I'm like, this is kind of embarrassing.

For both of us. Yeah. Like, it's embarrassing for her because Chelsea thought she was me, but this woman's fit. Like, she's a size 12 and she's muscular. Like, you can tell she goes to the gym and she does physical work and she's, you know, and I'm like, okay, so that's, you know, offensive to her. But then when she smiled, I saw she only had one tooth in her mouth, a black one. Like, and I thought that's, you know, and it was at the bottom.

Just hanging out there. Just one at the bottom. Yeah. It was in a bad way. You could tell it had hours left in that mouth. So then I just pointed to Tom and he goes, Chelsea, this is Ursula. And I'm like, ugh. And then she turned around and she goes, ursh, and then just hugged me the same way. Like nothing happened. Like that never happened.

happen like it didn't happen so I was just watching the cleaning lady over her shoulder just smiling at her with my white teeth all of the teeth yeah on both on both upper and lower but then I said to her afterwards I go how the fuck we're having dinner I go so how the fuck do you mistake me for that lady she's got a mop in a bucket she goes well every time I see you've got something in your hand I go it's a fucking microphone

But this is why, and I did it to you this morning. I'd be more offended if you're like, bro, I've opened to you so many times. How did you not recognize me? But I ran into Ursula this morning, like hours and hours and hours ago. And I haven't seen you in the flesh. I mean, Instagram, but I haven't seen you in the flesh since our last record. And sometimes when something's out of context, because I ran into you in a coffee shop, you want to like preface who you are really quickly. Because I was like, she's not going to have it. She's going to think I'm a super fan that's coming up. And I was like, Urs! I was like, Life Uncut Podcast.

years ago I'm Brittany I was like you really need to say who you are to keep the content but not just say like people

have sent me a message. There was a woman today, I went to the opera house on the steps to do some recording and this woman came up and she goes, oh, I sent you a message about your mum on Instagram. I was like, you're like, what? Like, I can't even tell you how many people have sent me messages about my mum or about my family or my house or, you know, like people send stuff all the time and because I answer all of them and she goes, no, you responded. I'm like, I literally responded to 18 people while I was sitting on the steps.

You're incredible. So you respond to every DM that you receive. Yeah. Unless you can tell they fucking cray cray. How do you, I mean, that to me is remarkable because I honestly don't know how you have the time amongst everything that you do to write back to every person. Like that's such a, that's such a time hole. Maybe I don't get as many as you think. I reckon you do. Someone who's getting 50 million views on TV show is getting more than what I am. And I find that challenging. Yeah. Like I was just, I'm

mean I don't always like sometimes I just send them a love heart or a thumbs up or I just to recognize that they've sent me a message you take the time yeah but if people

people talk to me, I talk back to them. So some people I've actually become friends with. It's really cool. From Instagram. But is that just so you can then tell the content about your mum? Your mum said go make friends. Yeah, yeah. Trying to get that joke out. Well, you have been really busy, as we said. You have since become a movie star with 50 million views on Netflix alongside Amy Schumer. How did that happen? How did you go from being a stand-up comedian to being

Amy asking you to be in this Hollywood film? I think it's just stand up to stand up again. It's like, cause when my special came out on Netflix in 2020,

I was in quarantine here in Sydney and she shared the clip and she goes, guys, go watch this, this bitch is hilarious. And I replied on, you know, and I said, hey, thanks for reposting that. And then she goes, anytime. So we, we sort of stayed in touch whenever she did something, I'd say, you know, and she'd, or if I did a clip, she'd send a message. And then I woke up, I think it's like the second or the third of February last year and

And I had a message on my phone from her saying, hey, can you act? Give me a call. I think I've got the perfect role for you. And a phone number. And I was like, should I wait? Normally I'd wait for my manager. No, normally I don't answer those. I'll send it to my manager with a screenshot and go,

do this sort this out yeah I don't know you know and then I thought oh fuck it's Amy and because we've chatted and then she can see you've seen it you better respond yeah so now I was so it's three o'clock in the morning and normally I wouldn't touch my phone during the night but something you know when that little voice go check your phone check your phone I'm like I'm not checking my phone it's like dude just check your phone you know and I wonder how much water can pelicans hold and you know it's just all these questions and I was like

So I checked and then I thought, I'm just going to ring her. And I just clicked. And as soon, it didn't even ring. She just went, Ursula? I went, yes. And then she goes, can you act? I go, yeah. I mean, I was in the closet for 26 years. How hard can it be? And then...

And then she's like, I'm going to send you the script. So she sent me the script. You're like, don't send it. I'm in. Whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, whatever. So then I read, I started reading and she goes, read it and call me. So I read it. But then my son, Seven, comes and he gets in bed with me and I'm like, okay, now it's 4.30.

I need to sleep because I still have to get up and get these kids to school in the morning. You know, I still have to do the whole parenting thing. So I put it on do not disturb. I sleep. The next morning, seven o'clock, turn my phone on. She rings me. She goes, what did you think?

And I said, oh, no, I loved it. She goes, okay, so what we need is we need to do a read-through. I go, okay, mate, I just need to get my kids off to school. She goes, how long do you need? I go, give me two and a half hours. She goes, all right, I'll send you a Zoom link. So then I went, dropped the kids at school, came back. I hopped on the Zoom. I was still in my tracksuit pants and a T-shirt here. And then when I – she was sitting in bed. So I'm like, oh, thank God. And then we did a read-through.

And Tyler Spindel, the director, was in a car on his way somewhere. I did a read-through. She goes, this is great. We're going to do an audition. She'd already booked everything in.

And then I was waiting for my manager to wake up because, you know, they like to sleep in those lazy cars. You'd already booked yourself a job before they even knew you got a script. Yeah. I was like, you've got to wake up. I've got a job. I was like, have I got to give you 20% of this? I've done all the groundwork already. Listen, what do you mean 20%? Listen, this is just a shout out to everyone and my manager sitting in the back of the room. 15% is standard. 15% is more than enough. Okay.

She's 12 now? Yeah, yeah. She dropped down in the East Wales area. No, but I said to her, I said, because I don't know anything. Like, I didn't know any of the lingo. I didn't even know what a read-through was initially. I had to Google it. Ursula, it's so frustrating to listen to you because that is the stuff dreams are made of. Like, a superstar sliding into your DM being like, hey, be in this film and you're like, yeah, okay. Like, that.

That is incredible. But can I, I just want to flex something. Amy Schumer was in my DMs last night. Was she? Yeah. Actually, let me see if she wrote back. Yeah. She posted me on her story last night. Did she? Yeah. I'm currently on Amy Schumer's story. Well, I watched kind of pregnant, kind of almost, almost up the duff. Yeah. You feel? Just kind of pregnant I think is actually the name. Anyway, there was one episode.

particular scene that Amy was in where I haven't laughed this is you were in funny scenes too but this one scene I haven't laughed so hard like I was I was wetting myself out loud and it was the scene where he was trying to go down on her so she's if you haven't seen it it's so funny he's laying down he's blindfolded he's not allowed to use his hand she's trying I'm sorry the listener I was talking to the listener I was like no I was

guys with me and go have you seen it have you seen it yeah sorry it was awkward that we were making eye contact no and she's trying to sit on his face and it is just so fucking funny and I took a photo of it and I just put it on my Instagram and I was like this is the funniest most understated comedic scene I have seen in so long at Amy Schumer and then just wrote go watch it and she reposted it anyway I wrote to her let me check if she's written back she wouldn't have

I was like, oh my God, she wrote to me. So I was like, let me take this opportunity because maybe then she'll investigate, see that I'm an actor and then maybe she'll ask me onto something. Like I was like really dreaming big. So I was like, oh my God, like well done. And I was like, I'm actually. Girl. Amy's like, please go away. She's already blocked you. Yeah.

a call but I was like we have Ursula Carlson on the podcast tomorrow she's so brilliant that's all I said I was trying to play it cool she double tapped it but I just checked she hasn't written back yet shame maybe she's sending me a script but um that was a nice name drop that you put in there as well yeah well yeah yeah it made sense right it's a connection someone else from her film we're promoting her film I thought she'd be I'll

I thought she would froth that we were promoting a film. Well, Ursula, for someone who's worked on like all different, because you've done the small screen, you've now done the big screen, you've done on stage, you've kind of done it all. What is your favourite? Stand-up. Always, stand-up. It's so interesting to me because stand-up seems to be such an incredible vehicle for so many people and even especially in like Australian TV, which I know is small fry in comparison to like what is happening in the States, but we get so much of our talent from talented stand-up comedians and it seems like it's

That pool that we use in Australia, it's relatively small, but they're all incredibly talented stand-up comedians that kind of get pulled in. Yeah. New Zealand's the same. It's like, well, we were just talking about it before. You get stand-up comics who want to get into television and then you get stand-up comics who do television to get more people to these stand-up shows. Yeah. And so that's the...

the two genres really that you get, but there's a lot of people, as soon as they get into TV, they never do stand-up again. And it's like, that's your...

You know, that's like never training for a marathon and just running a marathon once a year if you just do television and don't. Stand-up is the training. That's the thing that keeps that muscle alive that makes you go, I could just talk shit for hours. But some people, you know, it's just what your preference is, I guess. But I just love how immediate stand-up is. Is there an art in how you craft your jokes? Like do you think that it's a learned skill?

that you can get better at and, you know, trial it on people and go, okay, that doesn't fucking work. Tweak this. Like, is that how it works for you? Absolutely, yeah. You know, like you don't even know. Some numbers are funnier than others. Like if I say to you, like, you've got two kids or two and a half, but then if you say, like, our neighbours have children

Seven children. Seven is funnier than five. I don't know why, but there's sometimes. Because it sounds insane. Oh, no. It is insane. No, I actually grew up next to people who had seven children. Yeah, insane. Yeah. It's like they never stopped coming out of the house. We couldn't fight them. We're like, there's too many. Yeah.

I'm being overwhelmed here. These are things that you learn along the way. Yeah. That you can craft and turn into. Yeah, where you don't realize. Or like the first year that I was in comedy, maybe even the first two years, I thought I had to be this persona on stage.

And then I realized the audience can tell. They tell when you're bullshitting. That's when I was like, I'm going to be very honest with my audience from now on. I'm just going to be who I am. Maybe a little heightened, but that's who I am. And I think because people can tell, they're like, that's not fucking real. I was actually mentioning this to Keisha on our way in today. We went to Husey's stand-up show on Sunday night, Saturday night.

And for me, and I know everyone's perception of stand-up comedy is very different, but I think it's a really amazing craft when comedians can turn the mundane, like a really simple task that we all do, that we all have to experience, into something that is incredibly funny, but the funny comes from the relatability of it. I remember...

at your show something about fucking folding towels and it was so funny because i was like that's what every couple has had an argument about or something it's it's taking those small moments and and really finding like what's the relatability piece in it yeah you know what even when something happens and i go it's not really funny like on the movie

They struggled to keep my hair to color gray because my hair just wants to go warm the whole time, right? And so I had to go to this hairdresser, the garden, Central Park. It's a very flash hairdresser and I've never been to a hairdresser as flash as that. Like it's real flash. And I just told, initially I was like, nothing funny happened.

But then I just described every moment of me being picked up in the car and feeling like as soon as the car got there, because they said they were going to send a car. And then I just assumed it would be an Uber. So I'm waiting for a Prius and then a brand new Mercedes pulls up. And I was like, oh, this is a lot because I'm just in tracksuit pants and a puffer jacket.

And then, you know, because it's February in New York, you know, and then I get in and then the puffer, I'm struggling to get out of the car because I want to zip up the puffer and how we struggle, you know, like because I've had a big year so I can't get the puffer over this part. You know, this part is the hardest part, you know, to get the zipper because there's no give on a puffer. It's like it's not, you know, like a hoodie. So, you know, and just that shock. So what I thought was just a nothing, like a blip.

A throwaway line initially became like a 25-minute bit at the beginning of the show where I just talk about having my hair coloured at the salon. And trying to get a puffer jacket on. Yeah, and drinking rose tea while I'm waiting. It was just, yeah, it just became this massive thing and people go, fuck, that puffer jacket hair colour story is my favourite. And I'm like, honestly, when it just happened, it was literally I used it as a throwaway in the first show and then I realised, wait, there's more there. Yeah.

What's the difference, if any, in I guess the technique or the way you deliver your humour and comedy from a stand-up to a movie set? Because I imagine it's a different technique and it's not quite the same. Yeah, well, A, you can't be as big as you would be on stage because there's other people, they'll look insane if you just go as far. But also because it has to be in a conversation, you know, so there's other people. But also I don't think stand-up would work there.

It's like when people try and crowbar stand-up into a panel show, you can immediately tell. You're like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this prepared material? It doesn't sound authentic.

Like if you take, say, have you been paying attention? They play you a clip, say, now this week it'll be wall-to-wall Peter Dutton if the show was on, right? And then if I have an old bit of material about Peter Dutton and I try and crowbar it in there, people go, it's too polished. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a conversation. But you can tell when some comedians have done that or it's too prepared. But I would say have you been paying attention is like,

It's one of my favorite ones because it feels the least scripted. It feels the most free-flowing. Because it is. Yeah. You know, it's very off-the-cuff funny. Sometimes some jokes don't land as well as others. But when they do land, you're like, that was witty and very clever. I know. But then in Australian TV, I think the problem is because TV is so expensive to create.

People want to put a lot of safeguard parameters in it. And so often there is a lot of over-scripting that happens. And, you know, you talk about like people can smell the bullshit. They can smell something that's fake and inauthentic. And I think that we can see that when that's the case. Yes, 100%. And things feel scripted and stifled and then you lose that creative edge. But it's because of the risk-taking and how adverse we are to it. But also I think there's where the responsibility lies on the comedian. Like even, you know, going on the project, if they go, we want to ask you these questions, right?

Me, as a comic, I go, no, don't set it up like that. Yeah, and don't lead me down so deep down that path. I will get us there quickly. Don't worry. Like, I promise it'll be funny. Just set it up.

Just ask the little question and I will take it. Yeah, right. I will take it from there. I've got this. But it's because I don't trust. Whoever's working on that side, don't trust this side. Like it's a whole. Well, because the setup's just as important as like the home run, right? Yeah. But it's like.

when you go on a show like that or even on a radio show, you need to trust who your guest is, right? And you need to, especially if you had that person, you had me on your show like a few times, you know, you don't need to keep fucking leading me. Just give me some shit or go with it. Especially when I said to Laura this morning, I was like, I know we've got a big day, but you know, Urshula will carry the whole interview. God.

God, we're entering on a teal card. Like, honestly, thank God. Yeah. I hate when, even this morning when we were at the radio, it's like, it's hard when they want to force it into a way. It's like, when you're talking to someone who talks, like, this is our thing. Like, let it happen. Just let it generically happen. Don't

try and over prepare for it. Well with that, with creating and being a part of the movie from the, like literally from the initial stages, did you get to inject your humour into it? Did you get to have control over the jokes or was everything scripted for you? No, so it was scripted but there's only two scripted lines that I say in the movie. The rest is all off the cuff. I love it. Because

Because everyone that I work with, they're all comedians. So it's like, okay, this is sort of, and because I didn't have to carry the arc of the story. Yeah. I was just a wildcat coming in saying weird shit. Like I could smell cocaine. Was that scripted? No. No. I just said, yeah. And like, what have you got in your locker? Eight ball, nine ball.

All the balls, you know, like, and that kid was so much fun. So I could just say anything. But then in the movie, like even Tyler, the director, Amy, Jillian, whoever I was with would just go, what would you say? And then we would just go nuts. Yeah. And it was great. And so the only two lines in there that's not mine is in the water when I say it's a girl because the inside of the pinata is red. Yeah, very funny. Yeah, and when I am with an alpaca.

Oh, yeah. And I go, that's why it's so salty or something. But the rest, even around that, it's all just improv. Is that what you were milking it? You'd be milking it for an hour. That's very funny. What was it like to work with Amy? What do you think people would be surprised to know about her? Because she's great on social media. Like, she's very unfiltered. She's a very open book. But what was, like, the biggest surprise for you, do you think? She's very, like –

How can I say, like almost mama bear, which I think I didn't expect, you know, sort of I got sick and Lizzie Broadway got sick. Like I got the flu and she got strep throat. She was the one making us tea and, you know, sort of getting us food and stuff like that. We went out for lunch or dinner nearly every second or third day. You know, she was always making sure everyone's taken care of. It's always like she went, well, this is her movie.

And she got us all there. So she's going to make sure that we're all having a good time. Yeah. And so sort of that nurturing, you know, you kind of don't think anyone at her level would give a fuck what's going on. I think you find with a lot of comedians. And the reason I say this is because a lot of comedians in private are not as funny as they are when they're in public or when they're on a show or on a standup. Like a lot of people are quite reserved. And the first person that comes to mind for me is Rebel Wilson. Like in real life, Rebel is...

is so reserved and quiet and quite a dry humor. Was Amy also like that or is she just on all the time? No, she's just funny. She's just on. And I think what helped there is because most of those people in the movie, the boys and the girls, were all from Saturday Night Live.

So they've had like a 20-year career history where even if they haven't worked together on a project, which some of them haven't, but they've all worked with the same people on the same shows on the same, you know, different times. So then they go, oh, you worked with so-and-so on SNL and you did that show. Fuck, I love that. And so it was just we, no one ever sat in their trailers. We were all just in the green room playing games and it was really fun. Yeah.

What a cool project to be a part of. But also like in you saying that, like how some people have like their onstage persona and then their offstage persona. I mean, and maybe this is like a bias, but I feel like people who are very good at comedy also have the ability to just be funny people in their normal life. Whereas some people step into the character of it and then don't really have that bone throughout their normal conversations. Yeah. That definitely is not the case for you, Ursula. You're always funny. Listen, honestly,

Honestly, when I meet people like that, I go, you're so different on and off stage. I don't know how it must be so draining to have that character all the time. I mean, good on you for having the energy for it, but I don't. I'm just this mental all the time.

Are we allowed to still say mental? It's probably politically incorrect. I reckon it's borderline, but you can get away with it. You're kicking close to the curve, but it's fine. Well, I want to say you're a pretty private and open person simultaneously. I feel like they run concurrently. You're quite private with your kids and your relationships until something big happens like a divorce or an engagement and divorce. You've been through quite a lot in the last couple of years. As we mentioned earlier,

When we left you a few years ago, you were married and not yet divorced. So talk to us about what's been happening in the love life. Okay. So it sort of took a while to get to the point where I was happy to tell because I am very private. I don't, you know, share anything about my home life on socials.

But then when, and also I have to take my ex-wife into consideration. I don't just want to announce and she's not ready. And your kids. Yeah. So, you know, when we went through the actual divorce, we'd already been separated for like three and a half years at this point. And we went through the actual divorce. Then I was like, okay, now I can write. And, you know, and nothing digging into why, you know, like we just. Nothing still too personal. Yeah. So then, you know, it's just kind of, I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. And then I did. Yeah.

I went back with someone that I was with 20 years ago. We got back together. Did you?

I know. From like what period of your life? Well, we actually immigrated to New Zealand together. Oh, wow. So it was like a big substantial relationship at the time. Yeah, proper. Yeah, yeah. And then we got back together because she had a medical event and I was there for it and I was like, you know. And because meant to be, stars have brought us back together. Yeah, and I thought, you know, like everything has changed. Yeah, like we're older, we're wiser. Well, we weren't older. You know, we weren't wiser.

Uh, and then the wheels fell off again and I was like, okay, I cannot, but, but she proposed like, okay. When you've just been divorced, this is dear listener, you know, when you're listening to this in your ear holes right now, uh, and if you've had a divorce and then someone goes, do you want to get married again? Ab, so motherfucking lutely not.

Absolutely not. It's like eating leftovers out of someone else's plate when you're ready to fall or drinking the next day when you've hungover. You're not, like, it's not even on the horizon. It's never a good idea. Never. Like, and don't even bring it up. It's fucking rude. If you've just met someone who got divorced and now you go, it's in three months, we should get married. Bitch, like.

Like, no. Did you have reservations at the time? Yes. It was so... Because what do you do? You say no. No, it's two days before Christmas. Let me set the scene. Let me set the scene, okay? Two days before Christmas, we'd already bought all the gifts under the tree. And then she...

proposed to me while we're sitting on the couch. Like, you wouldn't see it coming. I'm sitting in shorts, which you should never propose to a fat woman while she's wearing shorts. Why don't we take a photo and see it today? Anyway, so then she proposed. I didn't even think I was wearing a bra. Anyway, so then she proposes. You're caught off guard is what you're saying. And I looked at her. Oh, oh. Like, honestly, if I had subtitles that ran past the eyeballs, it would go, what the fuck is happening? And I just went, what?

If someone saw it as many times as I did, when I said yes, I would have gone, never mind. We can talk about this in 25 years. Do you know what? I feel like a lot of people would relate to this. Maybe not from like a wedding perspective, but the amount of times that people have been put on the spot with someone saying, I love you. And then they're just like, I love you too, but I don't. No. And you just don't know what else to say in return. Yes. I'll tell you. Someone told me they love me after five weeks and I said, thanks.

Thanks. And then left. That's five weeks. Let's not forget I've known this woman for all these years because even when we weren't together, we remained friends, right?

And so now I'm looking at this and I'm like, if I say no, do I implode 20 odd years of, you know, friendship too? So there was a lot going on. So yeah, I took the ring and I was like, okay, Raleigh, pull your shit together. But it was really hard because the whole time I'm like, but she's also very possessive and jealous. So.

So I knew I couldn't sustain it. I couldn't live in that environment because that's insane. Okay. Is insane better than mental? I'm just checking now. That one's fine. At this point, I think. No. So you go, I can't, I travel too much. I can't have someone insane at home going, who are you with? Who are those two sluts on the couch? And I'm like, hang on now. Hang on.

on now. It's pretty in law, goddammit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, fair for calling them sluts, but pull up, mate. And then I was just like, I knew it would sort itself out. I took the ring, but I knew it would sort itself out and I knew it wasn't sustainable. It's also like unfair on yourself. Like if you know that you're triggered by insecurities of someone who's out

and away and living a life that's separate to you, like that's only going to exacerbate by the fact that you live a life where you have to come to Australia. You are overseas. You are traveling. Someone that you're in a relationship with would need to have a lot of sense of self-security that you're not doing things that, you know, they're cheating on the whole world. And can I just say, like the first time we were together, she kept cheating on me. That's why we broke up. Oh.

So I have never cheated. So she doesn't even have the right to have that. Yeah, she's projecting her shit onto me. So I just got, I knew, I knew it would get to this. So can I just tell a breakup story because I have never, this is an exclusive. I was going to put it in my show, but I think it's too brutal. So I'm going to tell you. So before I left, I had to do regional Victoria tour and then some shows here in Sydney.

Also regional. And so I was traveling all day. But before I left, it was two weeks that I was away from home. I rang my brother and I said, I'm leaving for two weeks. She wasn't living with me, which is also a great indicator that I wasn't ready. And I said to my brother, I'm leaving. I want you to go change the locks of my house. You did?

No. Listen, listen. So she doesn't know, but I knew what was coming. Yeah, right. You're prepared. She had to find my thing on my phone. And then the whole time she'll go, why were you, like in the middle of the night, I'm up in Cairns where there's crocodiles in the water. And then the dot for my phone, three o'clock in the morning is in the water outside the hotel, which in my,

A normal mind would go, a satellite has been moving and that's why the dot is moving into the water because I'm right on the water, but I'm not, I'm asleep. And she goes, why did the dot move? I go, I don't know, but I'm definitely not in the water there because there's crocodiles.

And also I'm not swimming three o'clock in the morning with a pool for the hotels on the other side. Anyway, so then I knew she wouldn't be able to hold off. So she was just hounding me the whole time. Where are you? Who are you with? And then always with the video calls. And it was just, it was a lot. It was a lot.

So then I'm in Sydney and she's phones and she goes, put it on video. Who's there? Who's there? And just losing her mind. And I just went, and this is the best breakup I've ever had. And I don't think I've ever want to be in a relationship because I don't think I can redo this. Okay. So she goes,

Who are you fucking? And I go, I just brought my bags in and I'm trying to make a cup of tea. And then I was going to phone you, but I'm on video and I'm showing her there's no one in the room, but me and the kettle going. And she goes, I know you're seeing someone else. I go, honestly, I don't. And then I thought, why the fuck am I defending myself here? I went, I don't want to be with you anymore. And she goes,

We can talk about this when you get home. I go, no, right now. I don't want to be with you ever. Like it's done. But knowing I've already had the locks drawn because I knew this moment was coming. And she goes, she says, well, I hope your next girlfriend. I went, no, thank you. And she goes, what? I go, no. And she goes, I hope your next partner. I go, listen, insert name here.

This is not an exit interview. You don't get to have a say. And I hung up and I immediately blocked on everything. And I've never spoken to her again. Isn't that the best last line? This is not an exit interview. You don't get to have a say. Hang up. Never speak to them again. That is so brutal. Listen, she put me through a lot of shit. But also like.

It's, man, what a lesson in that though, because when you think at the time you were like, I'm going to say yes, because it's 20 years of friendship. It's this long history of,

You can have all those things and give it another shot and it can be the same thing that it was in the first place. But then, because you know what, since the proposal to that Not An Exit interview, I was like, she was actually a shitty friend. Why am I trying to keep this friendship alive? Yeah. And she was a shitty partner and she was, even when we were friends, she was always on me about something, you know, and like she got, you're getting really fat. I'm like, what? Yeah.

You're like, the puffer jacket's still fit. Shut up. I mean, it didn't. It didn't. That's probably where it came from. Now, when I wake up in the morning and a friend of mine said over lunch, he goes, you look so happy. I go, I am. I am single. This is the longest I've ever been single in my life. So that's since July last year to now. Because, and you know, like it's not that I need a relationship. It's just very difficult to stay single when you're cute. So. Yeah.

Okay, your producer's losing her shit and I think that's offensive. No, it is a problem that I imagine you have to deal with. Yeah, you know. You and I, the only two. Right? It's a real struggle. It's also hard when you're codependent, so it's all right. I don't think I've ever been single. Don't tell my husband. No.

Yeah, but he's trapped now. Yeah, I know. He's two and a half kids in. What's he going to do? I tell him that all the time. I also tell him how financially terrible it is to divorce. So I'm always like, that's a terrible decision for you to make. Let him call me if he's ever in and out. How long were you together before she proposed? Oh, no. It was less than a year. It was like. And were there signs? Oh, yeah. Like, listen. I'm not that.

No. They were just the jealousy thing. I should have immediately. It was too and very controlling. But it's interesting. And on a serious note, there is something to be taken from that. But the idea that we feel pressured into doing something, like even the idea where you, I don't know if it's a bit of the sunk cost fallacy where you're like, okay, I've committed to 20 years of friendship. We've started dating again. I knew her before. I'm just going to say yes and work it out. Like the idea of feeling pressured.

I don't know if you felt pressured to say yes at that time or I don't know if she was maybe unintentionally or intentionally capitalizing on the fact that you were going through a divorce. Maybe your feelings were lower. And I know it's a bit more of a serious tone here, but I think that happens. Yeah. And also because she would keep doing – and I guess I would think it too. She's like –

we've wasted all this in between years. And then the whole time I'm like, well, it wasn't really wasted. I got married and I had children and I have lived a life. I started a new career. I've got a whole thing, you know, like it wasn't a waste. The middle bit wasn't a waste. Like I, I don't regret being married. I don't regret having kids, but I also sort of saw that, you know, I'm not in my twenties. I'm not dating around. I'm

I'm also questioning when I do meet someone, I go, what is your intent here? Like, I don't know. I also think there's something really like there's something really beautiful in getting to a place where you can be very happy being single. And I think a lot of us have been conditioned to think that you can only be happy if you're in a relationship. Like, aren't you lonely? Don't you need companionship? And I would say that for most people, if you're dating and you're dating someone where it's not the right relationship, you will never feel more lonely or more insane or

more mental or any of these things and being able to be single and not have your feelings influenced by someone else is like a very free space to be in. Listen, I honestly, I wake up every morning and I go, I feel like, you know, when, I don't know if you can remember like school holidays where you wake up and you go, you're so happy you giggle and you're like, it's just me.

I think there's something else at play here. I love that.

You know what I got since the breakup? I bought myself a whole new pots and pans set. I've never been happier in my life. I really thought you were about to say something else. But pots and pans is also great. No, no, I've got a whole bag of dicks I'm packing. No, I mean like just new kitchenware where you go, this is more fulfilling right now than any relationship I've had in the last, you know, four or five years. I tell you what, I have –

nailed it. I'm getting married. He's amazing. Love of my life. He lives in another continent. Like he lives in, I don't even see the guy, but like I get the best of both worlds because I get it when I need it. Yeah. And then I still have my own space. Like I still wake up giggling for multitude of reasons, but I still wake up giggling and I still have my own time, but I also have someone to share it with. Yeah. But you, do you feel like,

that you've done and dusted for dating? Like, do you want to meet someone else? I'm not, like I said to my manager this week, I said chances of you seeing a dinosaur is higher than seeing me in a new relationship. Obviously, never say never. If I meet someone amazing and, you know, but I'm definitely not looking. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and all those skanks in my DMs.

Thank you for the nudes. Yeah, say hi. Thank you for the nudes, but no. Well, one of your jokes, speaking of dicks and bags and stuff, that's a really great segue, but you speak about how we all need this one friend. Yes. That if we die. Vital. We'll go into your room, get that one bag and burn it so no one ever sees it. And you said you got a little black bag under your bed. I didn't say it was little. Oh.

You have one friend. Well, you got Jay. There's a trolley. Yeah, it's actually JD. There's a trolley under the bed, you know, in the garage. You go get it. There's some petrol. Just burn it all. Because it is. It's like, you know, like if you suddenly drop dead, like, you know, it could happen to any of us.

You don't want your mum going in there sorting out your room. What's in your bag though? Your Santa sack. Just the normal, you know, vibrators and Satisfyer Pro. Listen. Satisfyer Pro, that's the model. Yeah, Satisfyer Pro 2 is amazing. Like if you don't have that, get that.

The Satisfye Pro 2. All right. We'll add a link. No, it's not sponsored. We won't add the link. No, but I'm telling you, and I say this, and I feel like straight people are very reluctant to try sex toys. They're like, I don't have to. I've got a husband. It's like, okay, babes, but unless that dick can vibrate for eight hours, the Satisfye Pro has got a suction thing.

Yeah, I've got one of the suction things. A bit aggressive sometimes. It depends what like. You're the one holding it. So that's you. That's you being rough with yourself. Well, I don't know if you have the one with the levels of suction, Ursula. Oh, yeah, no, I do. I do. That's a satisfying. You go full crawl on a spine. Yeah, yeah. You're like extreme. It's got a hickey.

When you're done and your clit's like, fuck, bro, what's happening to us? Fuck, it's not even attached anymore. Well, actually, your show, you're coming here for a proper tour July, August. Is that correct? How do you go straight up? I don't know. Because I was like, I don't know if we're going to sit in the clit chat. I'm still sitting here with a mental image of you having your clit sucked off by a machine. So I'll join you in a little while. Give me a second. Laura's over there picturing it. Stop picturing it. Laura's like,

I was like, I need a minute. Will you excuse me? Will you hear us in a van? You would. You would. I'm good, guys. I'm good. Anyway, moving right along. Yeah. July, August. You're coming to Australia. You're coming. Yeah. Different conversation. No, I don't travel with that guy. Yeah. Yeah. How can people get your tickets? Tell us where to go. Just go on my website, ashleycarlton.com. Okay. Good chat. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. No.

No, we can't wait to see. We're hoping you swing us two tickets because we're stingy. No, I can buy them. It's fine. But I'll get one in the bleachers again. Don't worry. No, we'll get you down the front. You know why we say that? Because last time Laura was in the nosebleeds. Like she couldn't have been further away. But that's because it was a sellout show. Yeah, well, that one is already sold out, the ICC one, the 8,000 seater one. So do you have tickets for that for us then?

That's crazy. 8,000 people in a room. It's also crazy because like, I mean, going to that show, even though there were that many people sitting there and I thought it was 5,000 at the time, but 8,000, like it still felt incredibly personal. Like, and I make jokes about us being up in the bleachers, which we were, but it did not feel as though there was a huge amount of separation between us and the stories you were telling.

Yeah, so that, I think A, because we've got the big screens. Massive, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So that makes it, but also I had a friend who was in there because I was worried about that too. And then afterwards she said to me, she goes, it honestly felt like you were talking just to me. Yeah. She goes, I was watching on the screen, I was watching you down there and I just felt like we were having a chat. And I was like, that's exactly. What you want. What I want. That's sort of my style too. Yeah. No, so there's, and I actually said, because I'm doing a show at the forecourt of the Opera House.

And then I said, it's only 5,000 people. Only 5,000. It's crazy that that's what the audiences have become in Sydney where suddenly it's just. That's only. Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne have just gone crazy. Did you see a tipping point where the audience scale just blasted?

blew up or has it been this slow gradual build like because like you know when you you might have booked out a booked out a show somewhere and being like wow I didn't expect to book that one out and then you're like well let's like increase the capacity like was it something that happened just kind of progressively or was there one big catalyst that meant that the audience exploded yeah well I mean it's sort of every year that I've been in Melbourne I've sold out every show so the

The first year I came, I did a 20 seater in Melbourne, the carpet room at Forum. Was it sold out? Yeah. It was hard, but yes. And then the next year, cause then I signed up with Beck, who I'm still with my manager. And then she put me in a 60 seater at Town Hall.

And then the year after that, I was in a hundred seater. And then that's, so it's almost like it doubled every year. And then we went from there to 150 seater at, at the Swiss club. Yeah. And then at the end, cause we sold everything out. We put one extra show on at Forum and there was a 500 or 800.

800, 800 seater. And then once we did that 800 seater, it's almost like, you know, when you have a dog that tries to jump over the fence and then one day it gets over the fence and then you're fucked. You can never keep that dog in. It will find a way out. That's what it became. You're the dog. Like I was the pit bull that found a way over the fence. It's amazing. Because then after that, I started playing town hall, main room every night for like 23 shows in a row for four or five years. Wow.

And now I'm doing the Palais. Yeah. But then the same, Sydney started like 180 seater and then it just, now I'm an 8,000 seater. Oh, it's already sold out five months before we get here. Wow. So now we had to add. You're putting some more shows on? Yeah. Taylor Swift. There we go. Hey, you know what? We didn't ask you. Adam Sandler was the producer on the Netflix movie. Yeah. Correct. Did you get to like engage with him, meet him a lot? Like what's he like?

He's really nice. He's quite shy, but a very family dude. And he calls me buddy. He's a very funny buddy. Is he pretty in? Yeah, I reckon. I mean, he spoke to me once. I think that's enough. But he was very complimentary. Very nice. His wife, Jackie, is lovely too. Yeah. They're all just really nice down to earth. Where you go, he's like one of the richest dudes in the entertainment industry. I think he's the highest paid.

Paid. Comic, yeah. And like 400 million, but he's in tracksuit pants and sneakers and he's like, hey, buddy, you're very funny. You know, like, but they're just so down to earth. His wife too, she was sitting at one stage just at my little area and my manager didn't even know there was her sitting there. She's just sitting there rubbing her feet, you know, because everyone's in their heels. I go, that's chucking.

It was just, but the whole family was there, you know, like it's really good. So do you want to, is that something you want to do now more that you've sort of dabbled in a little bit? Do you want to start to do more film? Yeah. I mean, okay, this is my dream scenario. The first three months and the last three months of the year and then the middle two, I do a movie and then the rest of the time I just sit at home. Yeah. With your vibrators. Yeah, yeah. You're very good. I'm listening.

And then I get someone like an assistant that just keeps them all charged at all times. Is that you? Yeah, that's me. That's me. She takes them out in the driveway and hoses them off once a week. I think the sock's broken. Gives it a gurney and then off you go. What's in this one?

Ursula, you are the best. I can't wait for round three when you join this podcast in three years' time with what stories you've got by then. Should we put bets on what my relationship status will be then? I reckon you'll be engaged again. Man or woman or? No. Or what else? Vibrator. Sorry, what's the intro? No, I'm going man. I mean, sorry, no, I'm going woman. Woman. Okay. 100%.

I don't know. Yeah, look, I would love to say just happily single, but I reckon you'd probably be engaged at the rate we've been going. I'll be here and bangles will ring. You're giving needy, so I'm thinking. I'm joking. I'm going to fuck this bitch up. I'm joking. After this, I'm going to go, so we stop recording and then you just hear a boom, boom. No, no.

Thank you so much for sharing as well. And I know it's a pretty big deal for you to talk about your personal life and we do appreciate it. You are brilliant. We could not love you more. We definitely will have you back on again. Fine, you can have free tickets. Fuck yeah, fuck yes. Yeah, thanks for that. Yeah, congrats on all the success. It's really, really cool to see. Thank you. Thanks for having me.