Ask Uncut - 6 Minute Voice Notes, Horny Separations & When Is The Relationship Over?
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Ask Uncut. We do it every single week. We've done it for six years. You write in your questions, your deepest, darkest burning problems. We do our best to answer them. When you say we've done it for six years, it makes me think, should we do something new? Do you know what? We have thought about that in the past and we've asked...

the listeners, the lifers, what they want. You guys, everyone listening. You guys, but people love Ask Uncut and I love it. It's the Life Uncut staple. I don't think we can get rid of it and even if we did, people want it. We've got to give the people what they want. Like when we got rid of Accidentally Unfiltered for a couple of weeks and then people were like, what happened to it? Where did it go? Speaking about that, we do need some more Accidentally Unfiltered. So if something embarrassing has happened to you, please send it into the podcast and

Anyway, how was your weekend? Oh, my weekend was fine, except I have entered this stage of pregnancy now where I have pregnancy insomnia and I am so tired. Like I'm just so tired. And sometimes it's because I forget that I'm pregnant and then I wake up and I'm like, why am I still tired? Why is everything hard? And then I remember I'm like forging headfirst into third trimester and I probably should be tired by this point.

I think it's completely normal that you're tired. You've got two kids. How many weeks am I? You're growing a baby. You're working a lot. You're running a household. I think that's pretty standard. Laura's like, I'm so shocked. I can't figure it out. Why am I so fatigued? Hold on. Let me tell you. Oh, yeah. I am past 26 weeks now. What fruit are you? I don't know. This app doesn't tell me the fruit. Hold on. Let me Google it. Sure you'd be the size of a rock wallaby. Wallaby, wallaby. 26 weeks. Fruit. Fruit.

I'm sure everyone's on the edge of their seat. What fruit are you at 26 weeks? A cabbage. That's pretty big. That's pretty big. Cabbage is pretty circular. I would have thought you were like eggplant-y, like something longer. I was, I don't know. They do roll into a little ball though, but I was telling these guys the other day, you might remember how I was talking about how I've started weighing my pants. Like I've properly started weighing my pants. It's not, it's not funny.

It's not like a little bit of bladder leakage. I have incontinence. So when we were driving down to Ulladulla the other week, we were in the car. It was a late night drive. Kids were asleep in the back. I swallowed some water and it went down the wrong tube. And so I started coughing, except I coughed and I fully wet myself. Not a tiny bit, not a little bit at the end, not like cute little bit of bladder leakage. I fully pissed my pants and had to do the rest of the drive with no pants on, no undies on. I don't think that was necessary. I don't think that was necessary.

I didn't want to stop because if we stop, Lola will – as soon as you stop the engine, Lola knows. So you sat in your own piss? No, I didn't. I took my pants off. She took her pants off. I took my pants off. She was naked. I sat naked, which is much better. I'm sure that's illegal. And a lot more humbling. I just imagine every time we went under the mobile phone cameras because they take photos of every car and then it uses AI to detect whether you're on your phone or not. But imagine if someone had to manually do that. They're like –

Pregnant lady, no pants. Surely that's illegal. Surely there's like phone cameras and nudity cameras. I don't think you can drive nude.

I think you can. Just with your badge cover it though. Cause you're pregnant. You probably couldn't see it. I looked like I was wearing short shorts cause I just would have had my jumper down over the top of it. Anyway. Yeah. It's all like, it's all bad from here. There's nothing good about the trimester except for the fact that it's almost over. Like that's not an enjoyable time. And the problem is, so when I spoke to my obstetrician about it, I don't know how truthful this is or like, I mean, I believe him. He's a very good obstetrician, but I don't know if he

know if you're telling me the truth. So the baby's breech at the moment, like the baby's feet down. And I was telling you guys this. So like, I sometimes simultaneously feel like I'm being kicked in the vagina and stabbed in the heart. Like, I feel like I'm getting kicked both ends at the same time. I was like, how is it possible that I'm feeling all the pressure up the top, but also at the bottom at the same point?

And he was like, oh, it's because it's your third baby and your womb is so stretched and floppy because your baby's breech. It can literally just stand up. So just imagine like a cabbage fully upright like this. I think I did tell you this, didn't I? Yeah, you did. I did. Damn it. I think it was last week. I think we did this on the top of the top. There was one time we were all on a flight and because I'm so short, I can stand up in the seats. You know when the plane lands? Imagine Keisha standing inside me. That's what I felt like. I was like, I feel like I'm going to die.

It feels like me standing up in the plane, like just erect while you guys are all crunched over. Because remember I told you I was born breech? Yeah, look, guys, like I said, I'm really tired. I've forgotten the things I've told you and what I haven't told you. Let's just steamroll on. Also, my dad sent me a photo of a crocodile, so we could talk about that instead if you want. Hang on. Do you know what I didn't tell you? I know we did have this conversation, but part of, because I was born butt first, legs around my head.

If you start talking about clicky hips, this is really us. I'm not. I'm talking about flexibility that was included. No, I haven't told you this bit. Sorry, don't come for me. Laura just repeated the story word for word. And because I'm a good friend, I let her do it. I was like, I'm not going to stop her. I was like, let's just fucking let her do it. I'm so sorry. No, what I was going to say, guys, I've got something. Nothing new happens in my life anymore. I just pissed my pants. I actually think we need to cut that out. Oh, my Christy, word for word, these hack stories.

I was going to add something new to it, to be honest. I forget who I've told shit to. Just you guys. You did say it. Sorry. Should we sneak that? No, I want to hear it. All I was going to say is because I thought I did need to add something to the repeat story. But because of that, so for like a month, my legs, because I had spent almost a whole, like my legs went around my head quite early in the womb. So it wasn't like a last minute thing. I just grew in there like that. So.

When I was born, my legs stayed up. They didn't go down. So mum would put my legs down. She'd push them down and they would fling back up. Like their natural response was to be up literally around my head. This explains a lot about her dating life. I know.

and still put my legs around my head now. But she would like put them down and I'd go boing and flick back up. There were so many jokes that were just offered on a silver platter then. So many. And we did good. We did good, Keish. You and I. I made one. We sustained. Farrah would have made some new content if you came for me. All right. Look, we have important things. So please, come.

from me. We have important things to do on this episode and that is answer your Ask Uncut questions. But before we do that, it is time for vibes and unsubscribes. Brittany, what is your vibe? You've already warned us that it's particularly lowbrow. We've got to stop saying TV shows are lowbrow, but it is a TV show. It's all I'm doing. Ben is here still, which has been, actually, I haven't really spoken about Ben much lately. You speak about him on every episode. No, not really. Ben is still here and it's the longest time we've spent together ever.

Like this period from the wedding is the longest we've ever spent together. And it's so nice because we're back to like, I feel like we just are living a normal life a little bit, which is really, really nice. How long is it that you get to spend together? Do you know in total? We don't know because we don't know when he's going back yet. Basically he's waiting for a new team or his old team or whatever. It's contracts. So he's just waiting and then he'll go.

But we just watch a lot of TV at night. So that's what we're doing at the moment. The Better Sister. The Better Sister is on Amazon Prime. It is like a thriller TV series. And the lead is Jessica Biel. Now, I think a lot of people still look and think of Jessica Biel as like

Justin Timberlake's wife. She was in that really wholesome, the Brady Bunch thing that wasn't the Brady Bunch. What's it called? Seventh Heaven. Seventh Heaven. Yeah. When we grew up, it was Seventh Heaven. Like no one ever really, I don't think, took her seriously until a couple of years ago when she was in The Thriller Sinner. Oh, The Sinner was so good. Do you remember, Ness, when we were living together and we like devoured that?

The Sinner with Jessica Biel. Yeah, it's so good. Well, this is The Better Sister with Elizabeth Banks as well. They're sisters and it is a thriller that is so good. You don't see what the end is. Like you don't see it coming. The acting is brilliant. Like really, really, really, really good. It's probably one of the series in the last year that I haven't wanted to pick up my phone, that I've really stayed in, that I've finished an episode and been like, can we go watch the next episode? Yeah.

Thoroughly enjoyed it and it's made me love Jessica Biel a lot more. So it's Amazon Prime if you have it, the better sister. The last time I watched Jessica Biel, like I watched The Sinner, I went and got my hair cut and got that fringe. Now she had like a dead straight fringe. She's got a dead straight bob in this. Okay, well I might do the same. No, I literally, I went out and I got the fringe cut and I rocked it for a good six months because I was obsessed with her. So like, yes, I'm in. I'm about that one. Yeah, you'll love it. I have a vibe which is a little bit different for us. I don't think we normally vibe artists on the podcast. I vibed an artist once, remember? Yeah.

For your artwork that's in your. Yeah, Little Gaga. Little Gaga. Shout out. Hi, Little Gaga. Yeah, the beautiful palm artwork in my house. Yeah, it's gorgeous. Well, I guess I'm like in the trenches of Instagram trying to find artists and artworks and things at the moment because we are coming to the close on the renovation that we've been doing and then trying to find interiors to make it feel like it's a house, not a whole lot of just random bits of furniture popped around a house. So I've been following this one artist. Isn't that what a house is? It's just furniture put around a house.

But when you have nothing on your walls. You're trying to make a house a home. Yeah, when you have nothing on your walls at all and you have your furniture in, it literally just looks like you've popped a lounge there, a chair there. It's like a display home. Yeah. It becomes like a display home. And it feels weird at the moment. And our walls look so bare. So I've been following some of these artists for quite a long time, but I've actually just like taken the leap and purchased art from them. So two that I'm obsessed with, which I wanted to share with you guys are

Honestly, one of them I think she just makes the most beautiful, very coastal in some ways, but not in like your kitsch beachy by any means. The colors are really cool, really contemporary. They're very warm and vibrant, but she just has a really, really beautiful use of composition and color play. Her name is Jessie Clea. She's local. She's local to me anyway. She's in Bondi, but she's an Australian artist and she's had some really beautiful features like recently in the design files. She also works with...

So Folk Interiors, which is quite a well-known interior company, have used her throughout a lot of their show homes and whatnot. So I... Oh, yeah, I've just pulled her up. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with her. I've been following her for so long. And so I'm really excited that we're now going to have one of her artworks going into our house.

And then another artist I wanted to share with you as well, someone who I came across more recently, but I've just bought a stack of little artworks. So you know how sometimes you don't want that one big piece? You want like a collection of little ones, maybe to make a collage wall. So I've got one in my lounge room. It's a shrine. I have a collage wall in my lounge. Yeah.

So you don't need to explain to me what that is, Laura. Please continue. Okay. Well, her name is Ella Martin. She's also based in Sydney, but her artworks are really, really beautiful and also exceptionally affordable. Like I was genuinely shocked when I saw how affordable they are for original artworks. And that kind of means that because they are smaller, you can get a few of them and create those really cool sort of like collective pieces. So we've just bought a stack from her as well. I actually, I mean, good luck. I think I cleaned her out because I was like, all right, well, I'll get

them all. She can up her prices now. But she can. No, there's just two artists. I've loved following them. I love the way in which they create their art. They're very textural. They're really contemporary. And I think in terms of what is trending at the moment with the kind of the way that they use color and everything, you guys will love them. So go and have a squiz. Great. That's my recommendation. Love that.

My recommendation this week, it's going to sound a little bit full on, but I found it utterly fascinating and I couldn't get enough of it. It's a woman by the name of Monty Maida. Now I came across a video of hers on Instagram and I think it was only about, it'd be less than two months ago that I started following her and she had about 400,000 followers then. I looked at her profile this morning before recommending her and she's got 1.1 million now.

So she's obviously going through a little bit of, you know, a surgence, I guess, but she's got this podcast and it's called Flipping Tables Podcast. And this particular episode was episode 13 and it's called The Downfall of Dogma, Monty's Story. Now it's her story and it's her just retelling her story. She's the only one on the podcast. So it's kind of like that narration style. And

A part of her story is that she comes from a former alt-right Christian nationalist family. So she grew up in this really small town in Wyoming in a really religious family. She attended like a private Christian school that her grandfather actually founded. They went to church multiple times a week. And her dad in particular was extreme in his views in almost every sense. Really racist. He was really misogynistic.

And what I find most interesting about Monty telling her story is that she explains what her life was like so that we now can have conversations dispelling a lot of the myths. And what I mean by that is like the one that she really focuses on, particularly on her Instagram, is people being like, oh, well, that's my opinion and it's because that's what it says in the Bible. Like she'll talk about things to do with abortion rights and to do with, you know, things that impact the political space now.

And she's like, actually, that is not what it says in the Bible. This is actually what it says in the Bible. And because she understands where they came from, you know, she was conditioned in the same way and she used to be that way because it was all she ever knew. She's like doxing the Bible. She's doxing the people that are using the Bible to justify really awful opinions and thoughts and beliefs. I always find it so interesting when someone like that has been

like deprogrammed in a way, like, but they still have all the information and they're almost the best people to speak on these things because they can see it from both sides. Yeah. And they also are able to kind of dispel some of the stuff that people say that isn't actually true. Like people that left Scientology church and stuff like that. It's kind of like she was to the point where it would be considered almost a cult. Like it was so full on their beliefs that,

And, yeah, because she's experienced it, she can speak on it and she can also speak on the opposing opinion that she has now grown to have. I actually think she might be someone that could be really interesting to interview. I know it's a little bit hectic. We'll talk about that off air. LAUGHTER

I think you'd be interested. Anyway, this episode is her podcast. It is called Flipping Tables Podcast, or you could follow her Instagram, Monty Maida. Yeah, I found it really, really interesting. It's number 13. Sweet. Let's get into the questions. All right. Question number one. I like the headline for this. Separated, but I need sex. Well, let's unpack.

That's a statement. Yeah.

Good on you. Lol, in no way, shape or form am I ready to date a man, but a girl has needs. My girlfriends keep saying that I should just get on the apps, which seems like it's good in theory, except that I live in a very small city where everyone knows everyone and I know I will come across his mates on the apps who will tell him that I'm on there and then they will be even more nasty than he is now. I just don't know if I should say fuck it and do it or is it too soon? Help.

My husband and I separated in March. That's not long. March, April, May. That's three months. No, that is a very short period of time to be actively... Okay, firstly, do whatever you want to. You're separated. You can live your life. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not saying it for that reason. I'm just trying to... When you say, is it too soon? I'm just trying to do the math. Okay, so you've been separated for three months. You were together for 12 years. Yeah.

At the end of the day, you can do what you want. You can do what you want a day after a separation. You know, it's up to you. There's no right or wrong. But when you've got kids and it's 12 years and you're in a small town, then like two to three months would be deemed as soon by a lot of people. I want to say go and do what you want and go and get on the apps because that's what you should be doing. You do need to move on with your life and do whatever you feel like is the right thing for you. But unfortunately, you do need to take into consideration what repercussions there will be. And for you...

Unfortunately, you know he and his friends are going to be twats. Like you've said, they're already nasty. It's not great. Will they be nastier? My answer is yes. If he sees that you are on apps, he will try to use that against you. He might try and manipulate you in some way with the kids or I don't feel like it's going to end well, but I hate saying that because in an ideal world, it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't stop you. But we have to be realistic here and if this is not amicable and he's not completely happy and he's not also moving on,

And it is a small town. We all know what small towns are like. I grew up in a small town. Everyone knows everyone. There is no way you can go on a dating app in a small town and it not get straight back to your ex. So it's just something you need to weigh up is the juice worth the squeeze. Literally your juices are your juices. Ew.

We didn't need to go there. We always have to go there. You didn't have to. I'm going to. You know if it's there, I'm going to take it. If there's a shot, I'm taking it. But you just need to weigh that up. You know, for your life, it's only going to impact your life. It's not going to impact anyone else's life. It's like you and the kids. You're going to have to deal with him. You're going to have to deal with his attitude and his friend's attitude. So...

I don't know. Only you know it. I honestly wouldn't say it any differently, Brie. I think you hit the nail on the head. The only thing I would add to this is normally my response to these sorts of things would be you're separated. You can do whatever you want to. But I do think that when it comes into the situation where you're co-parenting and you're both going through the very messy immediacy after a breakup, like it has only been three months, that is probably very new and fresh. And I'm assuming that that's from when

you broke up not from because like breakups are never just you know immediate they're not not like today's the day we broke up so like is that from the time where you had the big conversation around we're separating because it might have been a couple of weeks after that when everyone actually sort of really realized that okay the breakup's real and

The problem is, is that, and you've nailed it in your question, often we do the breakup when we're in the relationship. So you've mentally moved on. So even though it's only three months since the breakup of a really big and substantial relationship, I mean, marriage, 12 years together, like, you know, kids, it's

It's a big thing. You checked out a long time ago and so for you it's not as big a deal but I would dare say that he would be quite hurt if he saw you were on there because the thing is he doesn't know that you're just on there for sex. He might think you're on there because you're actively dating and that just feels really premature and a bit hurtful. But even if he did know you were just on there for sex,

If this came as a shock to him and in his eyes after 12 years you've only been separated for three months, whether it's sex or not, that's going to hurt. Like that's going to hurt somebody. Yes. And look, I understand it's going to hurt someone. My thing is though is it's not actually – I'm not actually even really thinking about his hurt in this because you are allowed to do what you want to do. My thing is more so –

are you going to make your life really, really hard? And are you going to make the co-parenting situation really, really hard for yourself? It shouldn't have that impact, but we would be living with our heads in the sand if we didn't think that it could have that impact. I've got an idea. So I, okay, before we get to the idea, just all I think is, is like, just give it another couple of months. What, you know, I know you're horny. I know you want to get out there. I know you want to get back on the horse, so to say, but

can you wait another three months and then you will have been broken up for six months. And then that's probably a little bit more of a justifiable timeframe to be like, well, we separated six months ago. I'm looking at, you know, what my options are out there in the big, wide, bad world of our tiny little community. I agree, but I'm not worried about like morally. Yeah. Six months is great. More time, the better.

I'm not worried about justifying it to him about this is how much time. Like you can do it. I'm just more worried about it making your life hard. But what I want to say, this is my bright idea. Your friends are like, you know, you need to get back out there. You need to get back on the horse. You're horny. You are separated now, which means you are going to be, I'm assuming, sharing the kids.

So you need to go away on the weekend that you don't have the kids. Go to another town, go to wherever, go fly up to the Gold Coast. I don't even know where you live. Go with your friends for a girls weekend. Play the away game. Get on the apps. Do whatever you want. Like play the away game. Also, you don't want to be sleeping with someone in a tiny small town that knows all your business anyway. Like maybe that's for when you want to start dating properly.

go somewhere else and do it. Even if it's like an hour away to a town. Imagine that. That's such a, so much effort to get laid. I'm so lazy. No, I can guarantee you this woman will be dying for a weekend with away with a friend. She's been married for 12 years and she's got kids. No,

No one in their right mind would say no to a weekend away with your girlfriends in that situation. Yeah, but then you're not seeing your girlfriends. You're going away to try and find someone to have sex with. Imagine if you're like, hey, Britt, come with me on a weekend away. And then we get there and I'm like, sorry, I'm matched with this dude. I'm going to go fuck him for 12 hours. I think it's fine. 12, please. Yeah.

Please, don't kid yourself. I think it's fine. I'm going to go fuck him for 12 minutes. Sorry. Her friends are going to be cheerleaders. Her friends are going to be like, go get it, girl. Like, you know, that's what real friends are. The friends are not going to be like keeping your pants after 12 years. I'm just all – I'm all for what creates the least amount of drama. And if that means a little bit of waiting or a little bit of inconvenience, then I feel like at the stage of life that I'm in, I'm happy to wait a little bit longer. But also I'm not in this state. I'm not –

Separate after 12 years and being unhappy. Anyway, all right. Question number two. Okay. Is a six-minute voice note from a potential date a red flag? Yes. Now, this needs some context because generally speaking, a six-minute voice note could be.

My friend was chatting to a guy on Hinge for two days, so 48 hours. They eventually exchanged numbers and after four days they planned to meet. But she got cold feet because he was appearing too keen. Keen as in messaging multiple times throughout the day without her responding and he would do things such as react to messages to get her attention in hopes that she would respond. Oh, no. So he's like written to her. She's not written back. So he's like, you know where you put the question mark bubble? Oh, that's so awkward.

She attempted the slow fade away, replying after 24 to 48 hours. However, he wasn't getting the message and she decided to tell him she just wasn't interested in pursuing anything. As a response, he sent her a six minute voice message, attempting to convince her to give him a chance. My friend is considering giving him a go because she appreciates the effort he has made. Now, keep in mind, they haven't actually met.

I think this is an awful idea and a six minute voice message is a big giant red flag. What would you do? My very first thought is if this guy is that hard to get rid of when you haven't even met him, imagine what it's going to be like after you go out on a date. This is not normal behavior. This is really hyper fixating behavior. This to me is

is like really overstepping the social cues of what is acceptable at this level of dating. And I, because someone badgered me into giving them a date is not the reason why I'd be giving them a date. So I would say this is red flag. Don't go on a date with this guy. This is too much. Yes. So what I want to say is a six minute voice message doesn't have to be a red flag. A lot of people. That's a podcast. Yeah.

That's not a voice message. He sent you a mini podcast. A lot of people love a voice message. For me, I'm not into it. Six minutes is too long. If one's more than a minute, all my friends know, don't do a one-minute. I'm not going to listen to it. I'm not going to get the message. Keisha's like, damn it. You love a voice memo. I do. I love a voice memo. Especially if I'm driving because, you know. No, but I do like that you can play them. I learned this from Shameless actually. You can hold down the play button and you can play it at two times speed.

Oh, game changer. Okay. The reason why I have an issue with voice notes is because no one actually sends the note. Like nobody writes or speaks a voice note like they would a message. Messages are efficient. It's like, hey, question. When you're doing a voice note, you're like, hey, sorry, I'm just driving. So I'm sending a voice. There's 30 seconds in you explaining why you're doing a voice. You don't need to send that. Just say, what do you want to say? I sent a pretty efficient voice message about 10 seconds ago to Ben. Have a listen.

Hey, baby, I filled up like a delicious water bottle of water and cold water and cordial and it's on the bench and I forgot it. So you may as well drink it. I'd hate for it to go to waste. 20 cents. Love you. Bye. We had to listen to that when you recorded it. Now we've had to lose that time again. Sorry, repeat storyteller. I had to lose it.

I lost minutes of my life today. I'm pregnant, goddammit. I forget everything. So yeah, okay. The six-minute voice message, standalone, depends what was in the message, depends what he was saying. You know, all of that stuff really matters because there are some people that are really funny and comical and he might be like, okay, I know we'll get along. I just want you to get a sense of who I am.

But a six minute voice message off the back of you trying to call it quits is a red flag. Like you have said straight up, I don't want to see you anymore. There's nothing like not anymore, but like you haven't even met him. Your friend is like, Hey, you know what? Not for me. She's tried to call it off. Then the voice message trying to convince you. So that's where my problem is. I don't want anyone to think that they get a voice message from someone and it's a red flag. It's not.

People are putting in effort these days, people trying to find their penguin. They're looking at different, you know, different ways to connect with people. And maybe this person just isn't a texter and thinks that he can get more across in a voice message, but you can't do it off the back of saying, Hey, I don't want to meet you. Like that's the red flag. So I,

If I were her, I'd just be blanking him now. Like you've said it. She's like, oh, I'm considering giving him a go because he's really pestering me. Like, no, not for me. Yeah. Look, I mean, like, yes, of course, it might be a bit flattering that somebody isn't taking no for an answer. But the thing is, he doesn't know you. He actually doesn't know you at all. So the fact that he's like not taking no for an answer is also very, very odd. The other thing is, is like I would love to know and maybe everyone has a different scale for this.

When does it become badgering? Obviously, on one hand, we want someone who pursues us. You want someone who's proactive. You want someone who is showing that they're interested. But there is absolutely a line where it goes from being interested to being inappropriate. And is it the fact that when you haven't responded to a message, he's doing the love hearts and whatnot to try and get your attention so that you're like, hey, I'm still here. I'm still here. These are very passive ways of

well, actually not in that passive, but like they're very like minimal ways that he's like showing you that he wants your attention when you're not giving it to him, which is like interrupting your day. But then also he's doing the outward and very overt ways, which is like the multiple messages, the sending voice messages. I don't know. I'm like, when does it cross the line between being like, okay, hey, I'm proactive versus I am badgering you to get what I want? Because that I think is where it crosses into a problem. Yeah, but then I wonder if we flip it.

And I'm just thinking back to like all my years of online dating. If we flip this and it is the woman that is interested in a man, right? Like, so they're going to meet up and then he's slow fading her. He's like writing back after 24 hours or 48 hours, like two days or whatever to a question.

I would then say, hey, if you're really keen and you want to follow up, I would say you could send a question mark or like you could say, hey, are we still going to do that? So I would say it's almost okay if you're really interested. I would just wonder because it used to drive me insane being on that receiving end. Like there would be times that I would do that to people where I would slow fade them and not want to talk to them and not reply because I was like, I'm done, whatever. But then there'd be times where

maybe I had been vibing with this guy and then we'd organized a meet and then he was slow fading me and it would drive me insane. I'm like, if banter was going well and everything seemingly was like, yeah, we're going to meet up in a couple of days, then he's slow faded. Sometimes it's really hard to just step back and be like, oh, they're not interested. When you've sort of invested a little bit of time and effort and it seems good, sometimes you would, and no, before you ask Laura, I haven't sent a six minute voice message. No, but would you feel like that after just 48 hours of texting someone? Would you feel that level of like, because like, I think I

This follow-up message is fine. Absolutely. I've got no problems with the follow-up. But this isn't a follow-up. This is multiple follow-ups. And then she had to actually say, hey, I'm not interested in you. And then it was badgering. Like, I think it's crossed a line. I do too. I don't think she should meet him. But I'm just saying I don't necessarily like – the thing that bothers me here is I don't think you should meet him. I think what he's done is too much.

but she says he was appearing too keen and it put her off. And sometimes I think we confuse what we want. Sometimes we say, I just wish someone would be interested in me. I wish they would show me that they're keen, message me. And if you were really interested in him, I don't think you'd be put off.

by how keen he is. You wouldn't be saying he's too keen, he's messaging too much. It probably just is you're not on his level and you're not as keen as him. If you were interested in him, you'd be like vibing it. It would be cool that he's following. You're like so cute. He can't even wait for me to message back. You know, I think if anything, this is just an indication that you're not on the same level of interest as he is.

I don't know. I think we can't complain on one hand that we're saying dating is so hard. Men don't put an effort in anymore. And I'm saying men specifically to this situation. Men don't put an effort in anymore or they don't show an interest. It'd be really nice for someone to just show me they like me. And then when they do, you're like, oh, they're messaging too much. They're too keen. It's gross.

there are definitely people that are too keen and that are not, you know, dating in the right way or making you feel safe and whatever else. But I just don't want us to get to a point where we jump to that too quickly because someone is just showing you attention and interest. Obviously you need to differentiate if that is like creepy and too much. And this one for me is,

It is. Yeah. I think this is crossed the line. That's how I feel about it. No, I'm just generally speaking. I'm just winding it back now to her saying she got cold feet because he appeared too keen, you know, because the voice message came after she said he was too keen for the messages. So I would just not be running back to this guy for me. I was like, you've not met him. You have no investment in him. Move it along. Yeah. Don't go on a pity date because you were badgered into going. Bullied into going. You're not interested. You didn't want to go. And this guy's unrelentingly badgering you.

And the answer is no. It goes for everything in life. Don't have sex with someone who badges you into having sex. Don't go on dates with men who badge you into going on dates. Like you don't have to do anything you don't want to and you're only doing this because you feel as though – He's begging you to change his mind. Yeah, your options are probably minimal at the moment. You're probably not dating a lot of people and this guy is like fucking badgering you. And no, the answer is no. Yeah. It's a red flag. I agree. Okay.

All right. Question three. Hi, ladies. How to know when your relationship is over? If you start Googling, is my relationship over? That's a real... It's probably over. That's a pretty red hot sign. That's how I figured it out. My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. We've been through a lot in that time, including a separation and couples counseling. We have an almost three-year-old and suffered a miscarriage three months ago after trying for 16 months. I'm really sorry that you're going through that.

Long story short, everything he does lately pisses me off. He teases our son, which I hate because I copped that as a kid and it made me incredibly uncomfortable and gave me low self-esteem. I've spoken to him about it and he's doing it just for fun and to make him less soft, but I just find it really mean. There's that and a few other things and I can't tell whether we're going through a rough patch with everything that's happened or whether I'm just done. Interested to hear your opinions.

I mean, we can't tell you if you're done with your relationship or not. I think there is something in it to say, like if you are Googling it or writing in, then, you know, you've probably gone just over the cusp of curiosity. Yeah. The thing I don't like the most is where you say he's like pestering and bullying and making fun of your son to make him less soft. Like to me, that is not a belief that I would subscribe to, like that a son should

can't be soft at all. He's three. He's three. He's a baby. But it also doesn't matter what age he is. Like those ideas have gone out the window. You can marry somebody or love somebody and be with somebody and you can know them wholeheartedly. Then you can go and have kids and

There's no way for you to know what kind of a parent someone's going to be or how they're going to show up in a relationship when you have kids. You can still know that person, but they're presented with new challenges in life. You didn't know what kind of a parent he would be. Now you've seen it. You're chatting to him about the way that you don't like how he parents and how you would like it to be a different way. You've explained why because it affected you as a child and you disagree. He's going to keep doing that. For me, I don't have kids as you all know, but I feel...

feel like that is a really big driver for a separation. If you are adamantly disagreeing with how your partner parents, it is going to build resentment. It is going to turn you off so much. Like I don't like your husband after listening to this, the way that you've said, please stop bullying a three-year-old to make him less soft.

and he's saying, no, he needs it. For me, that's like, I don't know how you look at your partner the same in a situation like that, but I don't know what else is going on in your life. You have said that there has been quite tumultuous for a while. You've done couples counseling. There's been trial separations. Only you know.

You have gone through a miscarriage, which as a couple and as individuals, of course, is going to affect you. So when you say, is it a rough patch or not? It very well could be a rough patch, but it also might not be. And you're only going to know by, I guess, having to think a really deep thing about everything else that he's bringing to the table, the way he's acting towards you, towards your family unit, towards your son, and then making a decision if that is what you want. Because if you are trying to bring another child into the world,

that's only going to double down. Yeah. I mean, when I read this one, it's really tricky because we never want to give the advice of like, leave your relationship, especially when you've been with your partner for 11 years and you've got a kid together. I would also say like, don't

underestimate the impacts of trying for 16 months for a baby and then having a miscarriage. Like the, the devastation of that, like that is a really big thing. That only happened three months ago. That's a lot for you guys to get over as a couple, but also individually for you. Yeah. Don't disregard that as being a huge player in this. I think the thing though, as you've said, everything he does lately pisses me off.

has he always pissed you off? Has it just been in the last few months? Has it been in the last, like, I would really love, like, I guess a bit more understanding from the timeframe perspective, because sometimes you can go through a period, which is a rough patch. And then your partner, the way you feel about them, everything they do drives you absolutely fucking crazy. But I do believe that things that spiral down can also spiral back up and, and you can fix it.

The only thing is, is the part of it that I struggle with is if you resent him because of the way he is with your child that you already have, just like you said, Britt, that's a really hard thing to overcome. And I think for most people, if you saw your partner

being mean probably makes you not only if you're already pissed off with all these other emotional things that are loaded into it, but that's just like the icing on the cake. You're like, you're also just being a shitty dad at the moment. I want to say if you're unsure, I know you said you've done some trial separations and also couples counseling.

I would wonder whether you've been and had individual counseling and actually spoken to someone impartially on your own because it sounds like you've got a lot of stuff that you need to work through and maybe going and speaking to someone separately, not with your partner, not with the intention of it fixing the relationship, but just like working through, okay, from top to bottom, what is it that I want? How am I feeling?

Obviously hormones are probably all over the place post miscarriage as well. Like just really kind of working through your own shit a little bit might help you put things into perspective as to whether this is a patch that you guys are going to get through or whether this is actually you being like, you know what, the relationship is not for me and it's run its course now. But it is impossible for us to say that, but it does sound like you have a lot of reasons as to why you feel the way you feel. Also sometimes when you're subconsciously checking out of a relationship,

You want to find reasons to justify it as well. And so everything that he does now pisses you off. You know, maybe you are just done. And I'm just saying this is food for thought. I'm not telling you you're done. We don't know your relationship. But sometimes that's what we do. Like...

Also, one huge issue that is making you uncomfortable and pissing you off, which is the fact that he teases your son for, quote, fun. It's easy then for it to snowball, for you to be like, do you know what? Fucking everything you were doing is wrong. Like, it's not just that. It's this and this and this. It's really easy to sit in that situation.

But also that, like, I mean, I'm just thinking of this as like from a parenting perspective. Yeah, it's a fuck. There is nothing more fucking annoying than when your kid is like happily playing. Everything is calm in the house. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong. No one's upset. And then all of a sudden one person just decides to sit there poking until, because it explodes, right? Then you've got a kid crying. You go, oh, I didn't do anything. It's like,

Why? Why? What was your reason for doing that? Because now you've made my job harder. You've made your job harder. You've made this poor little kid fucking upset. Like what was the purpose of all of this? And if you're having to deal with that on repeat all the time, like that is absolutely infuriating. And I'm saying this not like Matt does not do this. I know it probably sounds like I'm like channeling. I've witnessed this happen a lot, you know, in parents who think it's

funny to do things that are like, oh, like I was just messing around or I was tickling. And the parent takes the game too far for a kid's little three-year-old capacity. And then they get super emotional. They're super worked up. And then everyone's dealing with a meltdown. And it's like, you did that and you're an adult. Grow up. I don't know. That to me, like I understand why you're so pissed off by this. This is a really hard one. But the question, how do you know if a relationship is over? It's how long is a piece of string? Like it is impossible for anyone to answer that but you.

I think you just need to look at your future. What are your non-negotiables? What's important to you? How do you see your life? How do you see the person in your life treating your kids? How do you see the environment that your kids are going to grow up in? Like you need to write down a picture of these things, speak to a therapist, whatever it is you choose to do. But I would go to the counselor probably alone for this one personally. Yeah.

If you don't think deep down that your partner fits into the ideals of what you see and want and desire for your future and a safe environment for you and your family, then maybe that is how you know. So I would be having a really, really deep think and writing these sort of things down, what you want versus what you think you have. Don't get stuck in the

the sunk cost fallacy of saying, well, we've been together this long and, you know, like I would hate to have to start again. And if something doesn't work for you, something might've worked for you a decade ago, it might not work for you now. But like Laura said, things that do spiral down can spiral back up. So as long as your husband is willing to listen to you and understand that what he's doing is not right for your child and for you and for the environment, and he's willing to work with that, then

then of course it can make its way back up and you guys could get to a place that you might have never been to before. You might be better than ever. Have you ever heard of, like it's a, I mean just a saying in terms of, because like people always ask, how do you know when a relationship's over? And the thing is, is everyone's capacity for when a relationship is over is different. Some people's relationships are over and they stay in that relationship for their entire lives, right? So it really is different. But someone said this to me once, it really stuck with me.

A relationship's over when one person decides it is. And like if you're at a point where that decision is something that you want and you know that that is right for you, if there is a persistent lack of communication, if there is a persistent lack of understanding, of repair, of them actually showing up and doing the things that they want to do, if there is a persistent resentment that is there,

then your relationship is over and they're your telltale signs. But I think once you've made a decision, that's how you know that it's over. And that's really hard. It's the making the decision that's the hard part. I recently read something from Dr. John Gottman that was about contempt and

And basically that way, I've just Googled it so I can kind of refresh. Essentially, this whole thing was about how once you have contempt in your relationship, that's the pivotal moment that things go downhill and they very rarely go back up the hill again. So I've just Googled contempt is a form of communication that expresses contempt.

Hmm.

I recognize why that would be the point of no return because how do you come back from feeling like that? Yeah. I definitely think there are points way before that though on the spectrum of when to leave. Like I don't think you have to wait to get to that point, but I understand that that could be the point where you probably don't come back from it. Sorry, I thought that that was quite specific to, you know, what she's saying that she's experiencing in her relationship. Yeah.

It's almost like it's being directed towards your child, which, look, yeah, again, I'm not here to tell you what to do in your relationship, but I think if there's contempt in your relationship, I think it would be very hard to come back from. Last question. And now, Britt, you've said you have no idea how to answer this one, so I also feel like we're going to do it anyway. Let's unpack this together.

freaking hard it's really hard my in-laws currently live 1.5 hours away from us often when they come to visit they want to stay the night we have two young children and a small unit i find it all gets so overwhelming when they stay over because they have big personalities and quite different views to me my partner also clashes with his parents at times and it can all just get really heated they also have a small dog who likes to piss in our small house on arrival that's

Fuck that. Not normal. They want to move even further away from us. And I think they think that when they do this, they can just stay at our place whenever they come to see the grandchildren. All for day visits and catch ups. But is it rude to tell them that they can't stay at our house overnight? How do you word that nicely? Should I just suck it up and let them stay over from time to time?

Yes. Yes. Okay. It was easier to answer than I thought it was going to be. No, the dog pissing thing has to stop. I think that was the easiest answer you guys have ever given. No, because it's so hard because you want to say it's your space, it's your family, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Like we all know that those are the answers. Yeah.

You have the autonomy to make the decisions that you're happy with. Blah, blah, blah. Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do in life. Like that is life. We don't always get to say like, it doesn't serve me. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. The dog pissing thing, like that, you need to work that out. Like you can't just have a dog come and piss around your house. Yeah, you just say like you can stay, but unfortunately the dog keeps pissing in our house. So the dog can't come, get a dog sitter. Like they don't need to bring the dog. That's on them. They can sort that out. A hundred percent. But...

It's pretty normal. I'm lucky, not for me, but it's pretty normal that you might not get along with your in-laws or you have different personalities and it can feel like a lot in a small space. You'd be hard pressed to find somebody who doesn't feel overly comfortable in a tiny apartment with multiple big personalities sleeping. Like it's part and parcel with life. Like you...

Sometimes you do things you don't want to do. Having your in-laws stay sporadically for a night or two is something you have to do. Maybe you book yourself up a little bit. Maybe you're really busy over that time. You're not spending ludicrous amounts of time with them. Maybe you're going out to dinner instead of like everyone being home and cooking and cramming in a small area. Use them.

Like book a date night with your husband, go out and have dinner and leave the kids with the grandparents. Use them. I think they're also there to see all of them. I don't think you can abandon them, but you could all go out together to like make it a little bit easier. But like, I just think you do have to let them stay. Okay. I have questions though. Frequency. I need to know the frequency. How often are they coming? Are they coming once a month? Is it once every two months? Is it once a week? Like frequency is an important factor in this conversation. Yeah.

Secondly, and this is really a conversation around boundaries and you hit it on the head when you said it, sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't like. We can all set boundaries. Boundaries impact our relationships in positive ways, but also in negative ways. And in this instance, if you put the boundary in place that you don't want your in-laws staying in your house for all the reasons that you've given, and some of them are personal reasons, like

The fact that they have big personalities and you just find it overwhelming when they're there because you don't really get along with them. It's not an easy, you know, it's not an easy space. They probably don't realize that. They probably quite adore spending time with you guys, love seeing their grandchildren and probably have no self-awareness as to how annoying they are.

So I think that that boundary is going to come with a lot of consequences and it's going to impact the relationship you have with them. They're going to be offended. It's going to be drama. It's always going to be awkward. Some drama with your husband because then he's got to try and manage his parents and blah, blah, blah. But think it's never not awkward to be on the receiving end of, hey, like we don't want you to stay. Yeah, you've got to stay somewhere else. It's always going to then feel weird. Like even if you're like, cool, no worries, I'll get a hotel.

They're going to talk about you. It's going to cause the problem. It also then, on the flip side, hear me out, it also then means that every time they want to see their grandchildren or see you, see their son, there's a monetary investment that's going to require them to do so. It's going to cost them money to do so.

does that also mean that every time you want to travel to see them that you need to pay because you're not going to stay at their house like is that what the now expectation is like I do think it creates an unnecessary amount of stress and I think it all comes down to frequency keep it to a frequency that you feel comfortable with where it's not overbearing and you can stomach one night two nights whatever it is once a month whatever yeah and I think you know if it's a

If it's a case that you're put out one night every, you know, blue moon, it's not a big deal. Like I think we can all be adults and suck that up for the greater good of like family and everything else. Yeah, I think where I think the boundary is coming to play, you know, I don't want anyone to take what I said about like you do things you don't want to do. You know, we know that this is very situational. But obviously if this was –

causing your kids discomfort or putting their routine out or they're uncomfortable around your grandparents for whatever reason, that's when boundaries are absolutely fine. But I don't think the boundary here is because you've got a small unit and the dog pisses and it's too many big personalities. Every family has big personalities. The dog can stay in a kennel or with a friend or the dog can stay outside. The family needs to continue to visit. Yeah. I mean, the real question here was I'm all for visits and catch-ups.

All for day visits and catch-ups. But is it rude to tell them they can't stay at our place overnight? How do I word that nicely? You can't. You can once in a while say, oh, actually, we've got friends coming in the morning, so sleeping over doesn't work for us on this occasion. But you can't blanket rule you can't stay at our house. There is no nice way that you can say that that's going to go down well. Good fucking luck. Nana's going to be pissed, especially if she's got a big personality. Good luck. All right. Well, look, that is it from us, guys.

If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, slide into the DMs. If you disagree, if you agree, if you have any thoughts, feelings, emotions, if you want to hear me talk about the baby standing up again. We're just in an echo chamber. We just want the positivity. No, we're not. I'm joking. Slide into the DMs and tell us how you really feel about all the things because we care deeply. But just a spoiler, next week we won't be talking about Laura's baby standing up.

I am going to. Stay tuned for an update. I've only got it in me once to let you repeat Storytel. One time. I can't promise that I'm not going to make those mistakes again in the future. I am. We'll alert you to it. So tired. Like, I'm beyond. I'm in a new category of tiredness. I'm literally, words come out of my mouth and I don't know what they are.

I can't wait to listen to this in the edit and fix it. Concerning when we talk for a living. Love that. Okay, keep the Accidentally Unfiltered's Ask Uncut, everything coming into Instagram, Life Uncut podcast. We always keep you anonymous. Just put it at the top there if it's Ask Uncut or if it's an Ask Uncut aftermath or if it's an Accidentally Unfiltered. Also, go check us out on YouTube and you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love.