Ask Uncut - Second Chances, A Cousin's Flirtatious Husband and Following Problematic Accounts
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. You sound like you forgot your name. I'm Brittany. Well, you're like, I'm Laura.

No, I know who I am. I'm confident in that. Yeah, after 39 years on this planet. Funnily enough, because I've spent the last 18 months not knowing who I am. And I think that was evident with my consistent hair changes every two months. This is true. We've been talking about what theme we should do for your hens. Like that's been a discussion recently. Oh, have you?

And I haven't thrown this idea out into the group chat yet, but I was going to say, why don't we just dress up as like different versions of Brittany? That is a brilliant idea. I was about to say we should put it out to the lifers to pick a theme in the discussion group. Everybody should be me. I was like, Brittany's been so many different versions of Brittany over the past sort of five years of me knowing you. There's been literally...

There's been many different forms of mental breakdowns that have occurred. All of them have manifested in different hairstyles. And also don't come for us and say we shouldn't make light of mental breakdowns. We're not joking. I have actually had them. It's like, so before anyone comes for us, we giggle about it. People are like, you shouldn't joke about this. We're like, I wasn't. Clinically. What version would you come as the one that didn't get out of bed? You could wrap a doona around you and just come in a blanket.

Yeah, I could. Like hair a miss. I could come as the one. Ice cream tub. Yeah, the one where it's like late night Messina delivery and you're just in bed. I know exactly that version. It was the COVID version as well was my favourite where you couldn't get out of bed for two weeks. That was fun. Or when you went through that period where you cut your hair super short. All right, mate.

And then two weeks later got hair extensions down to your ass. It was real rapid change. It's like emotional whiplash one day. That's actually so funny. You had like an aggressive bob. I don't know if it was aggressive. Aggressive. It was blunt. Blunt. Yeah. To the point. You're lucky. I almost cut a fringe into that bob.

But I once did that and someone told me I look like Lego Man, so I didn't go back there. Like Lord Farquaad? Yes. I looked. That's who I was channeling. You could dress up as that. Actually, you could dress up as a swamp donkey, as you so fondly call me. You could come as Shrek theme. I could be Lord Farquaad, swamp donkey. That could be a Shrek. What else? No, I'll just come in a bikini with 17 other bikinis hanging off my fingers. Yes.

This is endearing anymore. I could just wear my own clothes because now we have morphed into the same person who owns the same things. And last week, Brit brought this brand new pair of sunglasses and she was like, oh, I got this new pair of sunnies. And she went to put them on her face. And I was like, I bought those a year ago. Ben bought them for me in case she's like, I already own those. I used to copy you more, but I feel like now we're kind of evening the scales a little. We are not close to even.

This is when you spend too much time with someone and you start to assimilate into like the way that they dress or like replicate the things that they do or their mannerisms. I love it. I think it's brilliant. There could be something in that and not because I want you guys to dress as me, but because there have been so many versions of me that it could definitely be a thing. Well, for you, it's like for you, a hundred percent. Like for me, there's been only two versions, pregnant, not pregnant. It's been identical. Yeah.

I don't change. My hair stays the same. My style of clothes stay the same. Everything is consistent. I'm just a bigger version and a smaller version. I was about to make a really bad joke that you would find funny but everyone else would think I'm a bully. There you go. I'm ready. I was going to say I could just wear a bald cap.

But you know, you're actually not bald. That's why I can make the joke. I'm going to go with the cancelled version of Brit. So that'll be fun. Put a sign on it that says cancelled. All right. Well, look, there is something that we have been talking about on every Ask Uncut for the last three weeks and it's really taken over this podcast. I feel really bad. You're not bald. It was funny in my head.

Oh, now you feel bad about it, don't you? No, because sometimes I make jokes when there's an opportunity, but then people think I'm serious. You're not bald, which is why I can make it, but that was funny. And I only said it because I have a bald cap at home. I think it's the opposite. I think you can make the joke because I am bald. You're not! Hang on a second. Why do you have a bald cap? Just for fun. I have one as well.

I have two bald caps at home. One time that night we had to create a skit pretending that we were Jason Statham and so we have multiple bald caps at home. It is actually shocking how much weird stuff we have in two separate costume boxes and not like sexy costume boxes. Matt's got like an arranged, like a full assortment of wigs

that he uses for all of the skits he does and like women's clothes, which were just my clothes that have somehow made it into the costume box because he wears them. I think you're the only adults that I know with a costume box. No, I have a dress up, but I'm a dress up mom. I just pulled a muscle because I laugh so hard at my own joke. I just pulled a rib. Muscle.

Okay, continue. All right, let's get back on track. The thing that we have spoken about for the past three weeks is how do chickens get fertilized? How do the eggs of chickens get fertilized? If you didn't listen to last week's Ask Uncut or the week before, basically, once again, it was that I had a very late realization in life that...

I came to the understanding that chicken eggs are fertilized because chickens actually get down and, you know, do the deed rather than just a big male chicken coming along and fertilizing the egg afterwards. Still shocking to me. I know. We've received so many messages because the call out that we asked last week was what was the outrageous thing that you discovered far too late in life? Like the thing that you should not,

that you should have probably discovered when you were a child, you found out when you were in your 20s or your 30s, or maybe even today. And we have received some truly shocking ones and you should all be embarrassed by how dumb we all are. At 23, my girlfriend learned that tigers and lions are different species, not male and female.

To be fair, there are animals called a liger. Yeah. That has nothing to do with this. Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my. Okay. That this little piggy went to market was actually getting slaughtered. Yeah, I knew that. I actually didn't even think about that either. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy went to market. I just thought it was going to get like the groceries for the week. That's what most kids think. But no, that little piggy was getting chopped up. How is that a nursery rhyme? I'm shooketh.

Because nursery rhymes are actually particularly dark. You know, Ring a Ring a Rosie is like about the Black Plague or something. It's about getting sick. Yeah, Ring a Ring a Rosie, a pocket full of posies, a tissue, a tissue, we all fall down, we're dead.

It's about getting like an awful virus. 37 is the age that you learnt that. That's the thing that we've grown up singing. We used to hold hands and go around in a circle. Yeah. And then people would fall down. Oh, my God. Okay, this is a good one. This is upsetting because this is also Keisha's revelation. Yeah. That thunder is actually the sound of lightning.

Keisha thought they were two separate – no, she actually said, I thought they were two completely separate weather events. I said – Weather events. I thought they were independent weather events that sometimes coincided. And I'm still confused because you guys were talking about distance and that's how you can tell how far away the lightning is. And I was like, but what about when there's no lightning and you just hear the grumble? Okay, I've got another one for you. That Africa was not actually a country and that there were, in fact, lots of countries in Africa.

That's just someone who did really bad at geography. Like that's someone who needs a world map. All right. Peanuts grow in the ground, not on a tree. I'm not going to lie. If you asked me 20 minutes ago where a peanut grows, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. Yeah. They're in the ground like potatoes. I didn't know that. Yeah. But I didn't know. I didn't think anything else. I just actually don't even know where a peanut comes from. All right. Reindies are actually a real animal. Yep. I've seen them. And lastly, bacon and ham come from the same animal. That's...

That's interesting as an adult to not have known that. Pigs are particularly like resourceful. They do pork belly. They do ham. They do bacon. What can't they do? Prosciutto. They do prosciutto. They do prosciutto? They can't do beef.

Let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes. Britt, what is your vibe or unsubscribe for the week? My unsubscribe is actually just, it's something that's made me angry. It's not something I'm literally unsubscribing from, which obviously is the point of this discussion. But I have been looking for a very long time at rentals, rental properties, and I am unsubscribing from the number of times that

you look online and you're like, this is brilliant. Look how big this space is. There's all this beautiful furniture in the photo. Then you turn up to the inspection and, in fact, it is a shoebox that had superimposed furniture that was, like, shrunk down. It's like a mini little house. But in the pictures you think,

You're led to believe that this is going to be the most beautiful property. It has all this space. Look at the outlook. Sometimes they Photoshop like ocean in the background of a window. And I'm like, hang on, this is in Redfern. Where's the ocean? It is very confusing because it seems counterintuitive why real estates do this because you get there and you're just bitterly disappointed. I remember we went to, to be fair though, maybe they just think it's so dire that if they get you in the door and

And you've got not many other options. Even if the house is so underwhelming, you'll just at least apply for it, which is so, so, so sad. But it is dire because that happens. You get there and there's still 30 other people begging for the property. Yeah, well, we went to one. This was ages ago. We went to one in Bronte and it's the house we ended up living in. So we did apply for it. But in pictures, it looked ridiculously immaculate, had such a beautiful green grass in the backyard. And like Matt loves a lawn. And then we got there to the inspection. It was just dirt. And it was because...

They photoshopped grass in. It was completely fake grass. Yeah. And that was the most disappointing thing for Matt. He couldn't get over it. But he still applied, so it worked. No, because for years he tried to grow the grass in the backyard. Turns out you can't in that property. It's too shady. I went to one that had an amazing.

Amazing garden. Like it was huge. The grass was also luscious, loads of plants. And I was like, perfect. Obviously I have Delilah. I get there and it's the tiniest yard. It's like two by two. It's like fake AstroTurf. Wait, what is your unsubscribe? People faking rental listings. Just people faking like the photos on rental listings. Just...

You're wasting so many people's time. Let's just put up the real photos. Let's call a spade a spade. If it's a two by two that doesn't fit a dining room table, say it's a two by two. Don't shrink down the furniture and superimpose it into the picture. All right, Keisha, what is your vibe on subscribe? My vibe is a podcast that I have been listening to for the past couple, probably maybe four months, and they release a bunch of different episodes under the one podcast title. So it can be a little bit confusing.

I have recommended Prof G pods before. Prof G stands for Professor Scott Galloway. He's a professor of marketing and business at

And he has a lot of different types of podcasts. He's a massive podcaster in the US. I think that last year they had like 38 million downloads, just to give you a bit of an idea of the scale of them. But he'll have, for example, a podcast about politics and he'll have one where he kind of just talks about whatever he wants to talk about. He'll have one where he interviews people. And this one is Prof G Markets. Now, I am not a finance girlie.

But I really realized towards the end of last year that I actually had almost no literacy in that space. Like I just, I never understood the jargon and I really didn't have any idea what, you know, financial reports are talking about or stocks or any of that kind of thing. So I started listening to this podcast because I find it quite easy to pay attention to, I guess, because they talk about things like the market of stocks.

the TikTok shutdown, and they talk about other things that are happening in the pop culture space, but how that's reflected in finance. So for example, they spoke about a couple of weeks ago, must've been maybe started January. They spoke about how there has been this global downturn in alcohol sales. And that is reflective of the fact that

culturally we are starting to drink less, you know? And so I find it really palatable in that sense. And I'm not someone who is like literate in that space. So if you also are kind of interested in how, you know, the TikTok shutdown could affect global markets, I guess. He also did one on predictions for how media was going to be affected.

it in 2025, which I obviously found very interesting. So yeah, if you're into that kind of thing or maybe you kind of want to dip your toe in, I have found this a really palatable way to kind of start increasing my exposure to this. And I'm thinking that I will just gradually get a little bit better at it as I'm kind of absorbing more and more. So he does it with a guy called Ed Elson and Ed is quite young and he's British. I think he's like 26, whereas Scott would be, I think he's 50. He had a 50th birthday recently.

So they have this really good like dichotomy of what they're interested in and their life experiences as well. So he's quite progressive for someone who is as rich as he is as well, which I find nicer to listen to. Sounds great. Yeah. So Prof G markets, all of the Prof G podcasts I do enjoy. But yeah, that one in particular, if you want to get a little bit more financial literacy. I have a clothing brand recommendation for you guys today. And it is one that I'm not currently wearing, which was silly, but I have been wearing it almost every day. And I've gotten so many questions about it.

if you are after like a cool oversized tee or you really like patent pants or like just things that you can wear on the reg every day and it looks like you've put effort into what you're wearing but actually you could have just rolled out of your bed which is pretty much my style personified it's a brand called King Asila they've just brought out a new collection and I have so many pieces from their new collection but particularly I think it's quite hard to find

a good quality oversized tee that washes really well because a lot of them you receive them and they've got like a great graphic print when you buy them online but the print itself is that real plasticky shit print. It comes off. Well it doesn't come off but it's just like it doesn't feel soft you know it's like it's not a proper screen print. The fabrics in these are beautiful like I've had

a few pieces from them in the past, but like I've got this great matching set, which I've worn all summer, took it on the cruise with me. And I just really love the brand. And I feel like I've now purchased and have so many pieces from them and particularly from this new collection. And I think it's really hard to find brands that are hard wearing. I mean, it's not super expensive, but it's definitely not like on your cheap, cheap side. But I would say that they're pieces that you will get so much wear out and they wash really well. So if you're after good quality pieces,

Printed teas, the best. I'll have to have a look. Kinga Silla. I've just Googled also Australian business, which we love. Female founded business as well, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, let's get into these questions.

All right. Question number one. Do I tell my husband about my past dating life, including women? My husband and I are happily married with kids. We've been together for about eight years now. He's a pretty open guy, generally speaking, but we are from a conservative city. So I do sometimes hear comments from him and his family to suggest otherwise. I listened to your episode yesterday about talking about your past relationships.

My husband has never wanted to hear about my past relationships, nor has he shared much about him. So here's one thing. My past few years of relationships before we got together were with women, one of which I lived with. I have no issue with my sexuality, but the years of not sharing these details with him have made this into a bigger deal in my head. And I feel like if he found out now, it would be a bit of a shock to him.

So my question is, should I tell my husband I like pussy or just leave it? I think this is an interesting question because to me this doesn't feel different to the questions we've answered previously about do you have to tell someone about your past? Like do you have to tell a current partner about your past?

I don't think it matters so much if it's a woman or a man. If you want to talk about it, talk about it. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to talk about it. If he doesn't want to hear it, you don't have to force it upon him. Yeah, if he's not inquiring, you don't have to give him information. Look, I need to say something off my chest. I love pussy. It's like, just sit down. I love pussy.

Like you definitely don't have to do that. The same as you don't go, I need to tell you I've sucked some dick in the past. Like you don't have to have those conversations unless it's something about you that you genuinely want to discuss like that part of your life. Because I, we've said this before, I'll say it again, but I'll keep it brief. I like to talk about my past with my partners and I like to know about their past. Not for any other reason than I'm curious, but I also respect that Ben doesn't want to hear about it.

You don't have to feel this pressure to talk about it just because it was a female in a same-sex relationship. You must have been, when you first started dating your husband, there must have been some concern that maybe he would judge you or that there might not be a positive reaction for you to have completely omitted those details because it's not like...

that's not like, oh, I just didn't talk about my exes. Like that's a whole different life that you just kind of were like, well, we'll just not ever speak about it. And not because it's a woman but because like you were living with your partner. Yeah, totally. Like it was so serious that you were living together. So it's usually like when you start dating someone,

The first thing is like, so when was your last relationship? I mean, also because she's a woman. And I guess it's because like never ever speaking about that side of you means that he's probably just made the assumption that you're totally heterosexual, which you may view yourself as that now. Like who knows what label it is that you prefer to use to describe yourself. But you may also consider yourself to be bisexual, which would probably be evident by the fact that you lived with your partner for a year and she was a female. Yeah.

there's no judgment in saying this. It's purely just because like, it's hard for me to get my head around. It seems crazy to me that your husband doesn't know that about you because it's a big part of potentially who you are. Or maybe it's not a big part. Like, I mean, everyone's sexuality is on a scale of how important it is to them, right? Like it's very different for every single person. I would say at this point, you've been together for eight years and

don't listen to our podcast and then turn around and go, well, the girl said I should talk about my past. So I'm going to go and tell my husband that, you know what? I used to live with a woman named Sarah. You don't have to tell him. If you think that that's going to potentially not be received well, firstly, that's a whole nother thing. That's a real shame. And like, that is something that probably should be unpacked. Like if your partner has a bias towards that, or if he,

has negative feelings about that because the reality is the person that you were eight years ago and the relationship that you're in doesn't have an impact on the relationship you're in now. So he shouldn't have any negative feelings about it at all other than, hey, I wish you told me that. That's weird that you didn't tell me that earlier. I would have loved to have known that about you. When I'm thinking if this was me, I always do this role reversal. If I was...

with Ben now for eight years, or even now after two years, if I was with Ben for eight years and then I found out that he was in a same-sex relationship, lived with the person like right before me for years, it wouldn't bother me that he was in the gay relationship. But I'd be like, bro, I was like, how has this not come up? I was like, eight years deep, just because it's your past relationship and I didn't know you had ever been in a same-sex relationship.

I would be more shocked at the fact he hadn't told me than the fact that that was the situation. Yeah, and I think following on from that, Britt, I would also probably feel as though

hey, is the reason why you didn't tell me because you assumed I would judge? And is that the person that you think I am? So I don't know. In my mind, I'm like, unless you really, really feel as though you need to tell him, like you've reached Nirvana and you're like, my husband must know about my past. I don't think it's necessary. But also it's not a big deal. Like if you do tell him, the reaction from him shouldn't be like a freak out. And if it is freak out, that's a totally different conversation. I do wonder why...

you feel like this has come up now like I know you said it's just you're turning it into a bigger deal in your head has something come up now has there been a conversation where you think it wouldn't be taken well and now you're overthinking it because it seems like a strange time to have for this issue to have sort of risen to the top well no she listened to our podcast episode about how we spoke about not speaking to your current partners about your exes

And that's why I'm saying don't listen to us. No, it's fine. Do whatever's right for you and your relationship. But also if the moment ever comes up now or in four years and there's a conversation about an ex or something, just drop it like it's nothing. Like I would. I'd just be like, oh, when I was living with Sally, we used to split bills like this. Like however it comes up, just say it. And he'll be like, who's Sally? And you're like, the pussy that I love.

Like I would just not make it a big deal because it's not a big deal. Do you gaslight him and be like, you knew that? I told you about Sally. I told you ages ago. You loved Sally. Just gaslight him. I told you when we were dating. Yeah. Just like, no, don't do that. It's lying. That is interesting to me. I don't think I have ever dated somebody ever in the history of dating at the start where I haven't wanted to know like their past relationship, at least like –

why it ended, how long ago it was, how long they were together. Like, I feel like that is important for me when I'm dating. Cause did you break up with them yesterday? Was it five years ago? Have you ever been in a serious relationship? Like for me, that's a pretty baseline conversation I have with people. Totally. I know every single one of my ex-boyfriends. I know who they dated. And where they live. Yeah.

I also know their phone number, pager. I send them by a carrier pigeon. Not who they dated, but Instagram handles. If they were in like a long-term relationship prior to me, like I know who that long-term partner is. I don't know who like- Jenny has a seafood allergy. Yeah, we know. You stalk me. I don't know the people that they slept with on like a random Friday night, obviously. They're in a long-term relationship. Shut up, Laura.

Laura, hand me the shovel here because you're just digging your hole. Oh, dear. It was an intolerance, actually. Seafood intolerance, not allergy. Okay, I'm going to the next question. Question two. Okay. Question two. My cousin Shelly, these are fake names because she's put them in funny years.

My cousin Shelly and her husband Dean have been together for 14 years and have three kids. She could have just left the names out altogether. I think it's easier when you've got names. Shelly and Dean. Yeah. My cousin Shelly, her husband Dino, they've been together for 14 years and have three kids. Recently they've joked about separation and divorce. It's not something you joke about. It's an unusual joke.

Okay.

He said he'd been unhappy for years and felt happy and comfortable around me, repeatedly complimenting me and saying he just really likes to be around me. It's clear that he has feelings for me. I've tried to shut it down, reminding him that he and Shelley have been through a lot and also we're family.

I'm not sure how to handle this. Do I tell Shelley, my cousin, what happened? I don't want her to think I'm betraying her or that I have ill intentions. I do feel blindsided and thrown into their drama. Our family can be pretty intense and if this gets out, it'll likely cause a huge mess and I don't want to hurt my cousin. What's the right thing to do? I think there is shutting things down and thinking you've shut things down because if he's still messaging you, if he's still like, I have feelings for you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

then he must think that there is some sort of opportunity or option there. I guess my question is, is how kindly did you shut it down? How kindly did you say, oh, I'm not interested. Sorry. I really want to be careful with this because I don't want this to come across as like judgment on you that you've done anything wrong. You absolutely haven't. But if he is not

getting it from what you've said to him. It's not your responsibility to take on the burden of his actions. And I think sometimes we have to be more than clear. And by being more than clear, sometimes it might mean that you have to be rude and tell him that you are not interested and he is

absolutely step the line and cross the line in this and put you in a situation that you feel uncomfortable by. Yeah, but do you tell your husband and do you tell your cousin? I would tell my husband for sure, 100%. What about your cousin? I would have a conversation with Matt first. I would have a conversation with him and be like, hey, this is what's happened. I don't know what is the best way for us to navigate this.

And then I would kind of feel that out with him first, because first and foremost, like the two of you are a team. And I know you've said that you're, you're rocky and that there's been some drama going on there. But if you actually want your relationship to work out and you, you know, cause every single couple goes through rocky patches. And if you've been together for 15 years, it's probably no surprise that you're going through some sort of, you know, turbulence.

I would have a conversation with him, figure out what was the next plan of action. And whether that is tell your cousin or not, the absolute first point of call is to make sure that this is shut down in a way that isn't being super overly polite. It's just like, this needs to stop. Don't message me. I don't want anything to do with this drama. And it's so inappropriate. Like,

If it was a friend of a friend and there was like many levels of separation, I would say, oh, just leave it. But the fact that this is happening from within your family, not only is it your cousin, she's also a really good friend of yours. This is just so fucking messy and it's going to blow up in your face if you don't manage it well. I agree with everything you said, but I would also tell my cousin. I would tell Shelley. If my cousin's husband made a pass at me

it goes beyond inappropriately making a pass. It's also going to have a flow on effect into every family event you ever have. Like you are going to feel uncomfortable constantly. You're going to have told your husband who is then

If he doesn't say anything, it's also going to be uncomfortable. But I don't know many people in that situation where the husband wouldn't go and say something. If someone else in the family was making a pass at your wife, most people would go and say like, back off. What do you think you're doing? And it will turn into something. I would go in, I would have the conversation with my partner, but I would go and say to my cousin, I think you deserve to know this. And I don't want this to be misconstrued down the track in any way that I had any interest in it.

Dean said this to me. I've never made him feel that way. I shut it down straight away. But I think it's important that you know that he said that because I would want to know. Because you were just like, regardless of how that then unfolds, you are blowing that situation up. It's already blown up. He's blown it up, right? It's not you. You're the messenger who's going to get shot though, unfortunately. I don't think you will get.

I think you're more at risk of getting shot if you keep this a secret and it manifests and it's like, why the hell didn't you tell me this? And it looks like something secret has been going on. I think in these situations being really upfront straight away, like I came straight to you to tell you I have zero interest. I do not know where this has come from. Obviously there's something going on with you guys and he's confused, but I think you should know and I don't want to be involved and I've made that clear. But like as my friend and my cousin –

You deserve to know that this happened and I'm sorry. The only problem with this is, and I know that for whoever it is that's written this question in, I'm so sorry you're going through this, sometimes what happens in these types of instances when you are the person who gives the information to

sometimes it can actually mean that that couple repairs their relationship, right? So instead of your cousin believing you, he might say, you know, I did it for this, this and this reasons. I love you. I'm so sorry. I never want us to be apart, blah, blah, blah. And it in the short term anyway, fixes, not fixes, but it pushes them back together because they, they want to fix it. Right.

And it means that you get shunned. So regardless of how you have this conversation, to some extent, it is going to impact your relationship with your cousin. She's not going to be able to just turn around and be like, oh, that's cool. Let's hang out on Tuesday. Like, I love you. It's fine. There will be feelings of betrayal, of jealousy, of all of that stuff and all that junk that you guys might have to work through. And so, I mean, I, like I said, I agree with you as well, Britt.

I just don't know if I, I don't know if I could do it. I don't know if I could have, I wonder whether I would face it as front on as you are saying you would, or whether I would just have the conversation with him and my husband, which I know is triangulating. And I know that that is not necessarily the bravest way of going about it, but I worry about the flow on and how much impact this will have on the family if everyone is kind of involved. Yeah. And if you've listened to this podcast, like from the beginning, these types of questions have come up a lot and I

My answers would have changed dramatically over the years. Four or five years ago, if you asked me, I probably would have said, don't touch it. Don't get involved. It's messy. But I feel like I'm evolving and I would love to evolve with the podcast. It's different for me now. I can look at this in two different ways. Okay, what would I want to know in that situation? And what do I think the flow on effect is?

I have seen so many times in these situations. Imagine if you did triangulate, not intentionally, but if you're like, I don't want to tell her, I'm going to tell him to back off. I'm going to talk about it to my husband. My husband might possibly talk to him later.

When these things inevitably come out, which they do in some form down the track, it's going to be 10 times worse. That's why I think it's better now to protect yourself early and you don't have to make it a big deal and you might not want to. Also fine. I just think it's what I would do. I would say, I don't want this to ever be misconstrued that I led anything on, that I was involved, that I wanted it, that I made advances. This happened. I feel uncomfortable and you deserve to know. Do with it what you will.

Five years ago, I wouldn't have done that. But that's where I'm at now because I think

Does the benefit exceed the risk? That's what you always have to think when you're making these decisions. And I truly don't think that these things stay a secret forever. I don't. Whether it's one year or five years, something will eventually come out. Yeah. Well, it sounds like their relationship is in the pits anyway, to be honest. But I wonder if she's aware just how in the pits it is because he can say, oh, we're pretty much separated. I wonder if she feels like they're pretty much separated. That's the question I want to know. Fuck, if your husband is hitting on –

your cousin you should know I'm just thinking now like if my family if my family members knew that Ben was hitting on my cousins and no one told me it would be said it would be so much worse it would be so much worse because I'd be like why am I the only person that doesn't know when I'm the only person that needs to know yeah I agree I absolutely agree with you I hate drama I hate drama

I've had a lot of cousins. I would just fucking not hang out with them anymore. That would probably be how I would deal with it, to be honest. But then she'll be like, why? Yeah, true. You know? All right, next question.

One of my closest friends has a toxic relationship with her toddler's father. He abandoned her around the time of the birth and for the first year of the child's life, he was pretty much non-existent. He has a drinking problem, has cheated on her, has said some really fucking vile things and he even got her pregnant again while having another girlfriend on the side. What a catch. What a catch. As you can imagine, I've been there for all of this and stepped in during his absence a lot. I obviously hate his guts.

After being away from him for some time and her finally getting her life back together, he has come crawling back in and now they are back on and living together. I physically cannot bring myself to support this anymore and I feel awful because I have distanced myself entirely for months now. Am I the one being selfish and should I give him another chance because she is? I haven't told her how I feel but my silence and absence I would think speaks volumes and hers does too. How do I handle this?

It's so messy. Her silence is because she feels shameful. She feels embarrassed. Yeah. And she knows you're right. She knows that you know everything. She knows that it's unfathomable why she would give him another chance. Even she doesn't understand why she's giving him another chance.

but she is because she probably is so desperate for it to be the exception that this time will be different. But there is a level of embarrassment which makes you push your friends away when you go back to someone who it's so obvious is just hurting you. It's so hard. It's like a double-edged sword because you want –

to be there for your friend and it's so important that you are there for your friend and you have been there for your friend but there also comes a time where you need to start protecting yourself there's only so much you can put yourself through for somebody else yeah especially if they're making the choice to put themselves back into the situation that they're in

It actually sounds like you're an incredible friend. Like you stepped up to your friend's life when she had newborns and was alone and sounds like you were really involved, which is amazing. And it must be really hard to watch your friend go back into that situation. But you don't have to continuously be there for somebody that doesn't want to help themselves. And I don't want that to be taken the wrong way. What I think you need to do is let her know that you will be there for her if she needs you.

but you can't support him. And like once you've seen what the damage that he did to her and you were the one that was there, you were the one that she was falling on for years. Sometimes people can't see it themselves. And there's a chance that she's so desperate for the family unit that most people crave. He is the father of her kids. So people give a lot more leniency when it's

the father or the mother of their children. They always do. And they most likely always will. And we also know that people take an average of seven times to leave a relationship that is toxic like that as well. So I think you need to give her a bit of grace and understanding. Having said that, that does not mean you need to put yourself in these situations that you don't want. I would say to her, I will be here for you, but I think you can be honest. I cannot support the relationship when I've seen the damage he has done for you, but I don't want you to think I'm abandoning you. I just can't physically be around him. I think

It's quite tricky because I definitely don't, and I know it's not how you meant it, Britt, but I just kind of want to like comment on it for a second. It's very easy to dismiss people who are in very toxic or domestic violence relationships as I can't help you if you're not going to help yourself because we know that it is

so fucking hard not just to leave but like the going back there is such a stranglehold that the perpetrator has on the person who is the victim in this situation you don't know the intricacies of the conversations they've had you don't know the manipulation like I know that you know a lot and obviously you've been privy to some of his abuse but you're not privy to everything and to the nuance of how he has that stranglehold on her I

I think the one thing I absolutely agree with what you said, Brit, is that it's so important to have the conversation of I will always be here for you. If you need something, if you need me, I can help you. And if you need to get out of this relationship, you have a place to come to that's safe. Like I will always be here. But it doesn't mean that you have to be there every single day trying to put the pieces back together for somebody who is in a really, really awful situation. And sometimes it's not possible to do that. Also,

knowing that they have you there but not being the person to constantly run to, to tell every single thing to, it means that they do have to deal with those big moments on their own and dealing with it on their own also sometimes is like when they can start to see all the pieces coming together and go, okay, this is actually a really, really awful situation that I'm in. I do feel for anybody who finds themselves being misled

the constant sounding board for a relationship that's so toxic because it's really, really exhausting and it's really, really hard. And it seems so obvious when you're like, I'm telling you how bad this is, you're telling me how bad this is, and yet you keep going back to the same thing. Yeah, even sometimes I think about...

When I had the period of dating a very fucking useless man who was like cheating on me and lying to me and all that sort of stuff, you know, we've talked about in the past. But one of my good friends, Kaya, she saw the constant back and forth and I would tell her everything and then I would go back to him. And there was this one time where he cheated on me and we'd gone away together, her and I. And she found out that we were getting back together again. And this had been like the third or fourth time.

And she was genuinely angry. She was like, I cannot keep on having these conversations with you. She was like, I don't even really remember exactly what she said, but I knew she was angry and I knew she was angry, but more than the anger, I was embarrassed to tell her. I was so humiliated that I didn't have the...

strength to leave him. I felt so pathetic, but that's what it does when your self-esteem is so corroded. You think no one else is going to want you anyway. So I kept going back to him because I didn't think there was anything better for me. And so I know that that's hard to get your head around, but as much as she was over it, I was so fucking embarrassed. And what happens is you start to pull away from your friends and you pull away from your family because you know they're judging you. You know that they

think you're an idiot. And it's the situation that this woman is in with a toddler and it's fucking horrible. It's really, really horrible. And it's very isolating. Well, the reason that I say it's important to make them know that you will be there, but that when they need you and when they're ready, but to step back is I just had the conversation in my head that we had with Kate DeRouge. And if you guys haven't listened to that, please go and listen. It's an incredible conversation. Whilst it's a more extreme version of this,

She said something that you don't really think about unless you're in the situation. She was deep in a toxic relationship and she was deep in her drug addiction and people, her family and friends that were constantly there for her, she said actually ended up making it worse because there was no reason to get better or to leave because there was just someone that would always help her. And she said the reason that she ended up sort of finding a way out was because her family said to her, we are here anytime.

when you need us but we will not continue to be here on the daily when you're not going to attempt to help yourself and I know that that is an extreme version. Well, no, do you remember Terry Cole told a very similar story about her sister. Her sister was in a really toxic relationship and she said that she was always there trying to save her and she'd almost like absorbed her sister's trauma as her own and she was trying to be her knight in shining armour but really what allowed her to escape that relationship was

was her finding her own ability to have independence. It was once she didn't have all those support systems around her, she was able to rebuild for herself. It also gave her a sense of confidence again, a sense of like, I can do this.

It's really hard because I know that that is not the case for everyone and you don't want to pull away from someone who's in a toxic relationship for fear of the alternate. But it is not your responsibility to continuously carry this load. And I do understand that it's a really hard load to carry when you see your friend constantly being hurt and constantly going back to a relationship that's not serving them and is actually really damaging to them. And to be honest...

I feel like I could almost call it their relationship's not going to work out. No. Obviously. And so she will need you again in the future. So I would be having that conversation and trying to make sure you're fine in your life and getting on. You don't have to always take people's trauma. And then the time will come where I have no doubt she'll call you again. But that sucks.

All right. Last question. My really good friend has this boyfriend who I've been a bit wary about because some of his political views. He follows some far right, almost conspiracy level accounts that are hectically pro-Trump and other dangerous men like Ben Shapiro, etc. He's a

He also follows a lot of OnlyFans girls' accounts. Here's where it also gets a little complex. My friend is Asian and has joked about perhaps her white boyfriend being with her only because she is Asian and wondering if he has yellow fever, a very derogatory term for men who like to date Asian women because of the kink of submissive behavior.

All of the women were Asian creators on his follow list. My friend doesn't have Instagram, so she won't check to see who he is following. Should I tell her about his Instagram account or just stay out of it? Fuck. I think you can tell your friend. I think you can tell her. It's hard because at the end of the day, like people can follow who they want, whatever. This is different because she doesn't have Instagram herself. So she can't check herself. So I don't know. The only thing is,

If you do go to your friend and say, I want you to know who your boyfriend's following, she's going to think, okay, well, you've got a problem with my boyfriend and it's going to be another question to have. Like, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, if you know your friend, for example, really is not pro-Trump, if you know that she has strong views, political views that really don't align with what you're seeing from his account, then I think 100% have that conversation.

There's nothing wrong with saying, hey, did you know that your boyfriend supports Trump and all of these other misogynistic accounts? I have a question. I'd love to know how long they've been dating for because if he is really pro-Trump and has some far right views. Conspiracy level. She's probably aware of it. She probably knows. It's a hard thing to hide.

I wonder like maybe this is something you care about more than she cares about. Like I wonder what is the disparity here. You definitely can flag it with her and be like, hey, I know you're not on Instagram, but like Wayne follows some really weird accounts and like try and do it in a softer way or you can send her some links to things that she can look at and be like, hey, you know, I don't know. Does it make you feel weird that he does X, Y, Z? Like whatever. Yeah.

I think that that is an absolutely fine conversation to have with your friend, but it is definitely very telling about your feelings about him, but you kind of want her to know anyway. So I'm like, that is probably one way you can navigate it. The OnlyFans thing, the OnlyFans content creators is an interesting one because there is no way of having that conversation without saying, hey, your boyfriend is fetishizing Asian girls. You know, he would put it down to, I have a type. Of course, I find Asian women beautiful. I find you beautiful. It's why I'm dating you. Exactly. You know, he's not going to say...

I've got yellow fever, like what an awful thing for someone to say. But he would say, yeah, I find Asian women so attractive, hence why we're together. Like, you know, we both find each other so physically attractive. I'm sure you would follow white guys as well. I'm not saying that his retort is the correct one and I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just trying to give you ways in which he would explain away that

the things that he is doing, which would mean that you would sound like you're a bit crazy for going through and finding all these OnlyFans people and he would be able to explain the why of it. I wouldn't have thought the problem was that the OnlyFans women were Asian. I think the problem is more that it's just a bunch of OnlyFans people. For me, the Asian part doesn't come into it as much as like a full on list of OnlyFans creators. Like, you know, obviously there was more to this question that some of them are quite like provocative and

pornography-like, like they were quite extreme. They're not just like... Oh, I think it does though. And especially when you look at the reasoning why, and I think it was a good explainer that she put in there. Really sorry to any of our Asian listeners. I'm not saying this because I would ever use the terminology. It's purely because it is in the question. She said, you know, that she herself, her friend has joked about perhaps her boyfriend has yellow fever, a derogatory term for men who like to date Asian women because it's a kink of submissive behavior. So I do think that there are...

big fucking red flags, but I think it's a very challenging red flag to communicate. I didn't know...

that the term yellow fever or Asian fever was because they liked the fact that Asian women are submissive. I didn't know that's what it meant. I just thought it was a type that people were attracted to people of Asian descent. I didn't know that it was because of the submissive part. To be fair, I didn't actually know that necessarily either. No. I thought it was, okay, Keisha's saying she did know that. Yeah, I didn't know that. I think it is problematic and I do understand why you have these concerns. My only thing is,

I do think your friend is going to have to figure a lot of this stuff out for herself because as much as we can hate our friends' boyfriends and see all the fucking red flags, you can try and hold a mirror up to it and you can try and point your friend in the right direction, which is okay. And I think do that in a soft way that doesn't totally isolate you from them as a couple. But yeah,

You can't tell your friend not to date someone or tell your friend directly how awful you think he is because all that's going to be is a situation where she turns around and goes, oh, you hate my boyfriend. Now it's awkward. I don't want to invite you to things and him to things. And I just think it's kind of a little bit like you've got to wait this one out a little bit. I do wonder whether she...

kind of has an idea in some ways because it is odd that she's making these jokes anyway. I feel as though if you're dating someone who's a far right and has like radical political views, you kind of do know that about them. And it may just be that she's so blinded by like, you know,

she's digmatized or she really likes the guy. But as those things become more prevalent, I do think that that sort of, if she cares about these issues and she is not aligned with him, it will become a wedge in their relationship and something that she will have to navigate anyway. I would just be conscious about how much I'm inserting myself into someone else's relationship based on Instagram accounts and who that other person follows. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.

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