Ask Uncut - Second Hand Gifts, Spending Money On Games & Wedding Cold Feet
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Ask Uncut, where you're writing your deepest, darkest, burning questions. We do our best to answer them. Are we educated on the subjects? No. Do we have experience and enthusiasm? Absolutely. Always. Keisha's having a little crisis over here. She's just discovered that all of her ADHD medication has scattered through the bottom of her bag, which feels very ADHD-esque. I know.

No. God damn it. This is very meta. You can just collect them up again. I don't even, it's got a safety cap on the top of this thing. I mustn't have put it back on. Which also, you probably hadn't taken it. Just kind of like haphazardly put the lid on it. God damn. I did something yesterday. I wasn't going to tell you guys about this, but it might be related. It will sort of like 10% of the population.

I spent 15 minutes trying to get my front loader washing machine open because I was convinced that my phone, I'd accidentally put it with the laundry into the wash. I even went and got my Apple Watch and I was trying to ping it so I could, because I was running around the house being like, that has to be there. I can't find it anywhere else. And then my Apple Watch died, like the battery died before I could. Don't you remember I did that?

Last time I was, yeah, I did that. Last time I was going overseas to see Ben, I swear I said it on the podcast. I'm sure I did. Not last time, like three times ago. I was literally like the Uber was coming to get me for an international flight and I was like, where is my phone? And I looked everywhere, could not find it. And I don't know why, but I couldn't find it

on find my phone on my computer. It was just like not working. I had to trace back through everything. I was like, I'm going to have to cancel the Uber. No, sorry. I was like, I'm going to have to go and try and buy a new phone at the airport. Cause I was like, you can't go overseas without a phone, like no contact, nothing on there. Anyway, I ended up trying to like, I was like retracing all my steps and

But then couldn't find it. And I was like, I need to be more precise with my retracing. Anyway, it was in the dryer. I put it in the dryer. Was it on? No, thank God it wasn't. So my washing machine was on. That's why it took me. Because, you know, once you start a front loader, it locks.

So I had to let it spin. I feel so hectic right now because I have put my phone in a washing machine, turned it on, and one time I thought I put the cat in there by accident. She wasn't in there. Let's not put that in there. I couldn't find her. I could not find the cat and I was so – I ran around my house frantic and Matt was like, she's outside, dude. You need to calm down. And anyway, she was fine. She was outside. But I now have this like deep fear that the cat climbs in the washing machines at any time before anyone puts a load on. I'm like, check the washing machine. Oh.

Oh my God. Could you imagine? I bet you it's happened to someone and I'm really sorry if that was you. Please don't write in with those stories. I don't want to know about it. It would be very sad. I don't want to know about that either. But I actually was going to tell you guys something that has really got me down in the dumps. Sorry with all the negative information, but I really got so disappointed and upset and Laura, I think you'll care about this. I don't think Brit will give a shit. I found out the other day that the post office are going to stop selling knickknacks. Okay.

care about that. No, I'm off that. I thoroughly enjoy walking into the post office and just seeing like what hectic, most haphazard, like whoever is the buying agent for the post office, it's like she goes and smokes a joint and then goes, you know what, let's go into, she goes into Reed Market. So every year in Australia, there's like big trade shows where you can go into, one of them is called Life and Style. One of them is called Reed. Reed is a, basically a market that you go into and you can buy things wholesale to sell in your store.

And I just imagine she goes in there on psychedelics and she just goes, I'm imagining it's a woman, and goes, leg cooling gel, face massager, cups. Exactly.

Egg cup. National Geographic. Yes. It's literally the most random mix of stuff, but I always find something I love. I care about that, Keisha. Do you? Yeah, because I went in the other day. I took Delilah out and I realized, oh my God, I forgot her lead. I was like, where can I get a lead from now? Post office. It has everything you want. I love this little sporadic buy at the post office. Well, I found out the other day because everything was so heavily discounted, which I actually got some bargains. So if you are close to a post office –

And I was like, why is everything so cheap? And they said, because we're not going to be selling stuff like this anymore. I don't know to what extent. Is that just your post office? No, I asked because it was across two, where I came from, where I used to live and where I've moved to. Devastating for everyone. I'm so devastated because I just feel like the post office was –

It's the modern version of, do you remember when you were a kid and they used to have that book fair? Yes. Everything for like $2 table, $5 table. And it was so exciting because you never knew what you were going to get. It's spontaneous joy that's been taken away from us. It's really the little things in life, isn't it? This is feedback to Auspost. Well, that's because you don't get rid of it. Please don't unsubscribe for the week. Auspost is also a sponsor of the podcast, so maybe we can petition together. I would love to. Let's move this.

conversation along. We started change juttles. All right, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes on that note. Britt, what's your vibe? My vibe, look, I tossed up. I haven't been doing anything deep this week. Well, Ben has. Ew. Because I'm with Ben where I'm not reading books and I'm not listening to podcasts. I'm not doing anything because I'm spending all my time with him. So I did toss up between another TV series and I just thought that makes me look far too simple. So I've taken another turn. I'll save the TV series for next week.

It's an Instagram account, but I can't recommend it enough. It's called Punter's Politics. Verified 431,000 followers. This is his bio. Just an Aussie punter navigating the divisive world of Australian politics.

He has a podcast as well, but he's very educated on the fact he was a teacher and he talks all about Australian politics, but he definitely has a bit of a niche angle that's related to gas that I find fascinating and things that I didn't know. And one of our biggest buyers of gas is China. And there's a lot of debate around the fact that our domestic gas prices are

are far higher than what China pays for us and it stems back to contracts that have been in place in Australia for a long time. I know this might not be fascinating to many people but essentially it affects each and every single one of us, what our government is doing, and I've learnt so much from his page. So if it's something that you're interested in, Insta, Puntus Politics. That sounds great. My vibe this week is, and I recognise that I really take highs and lows here, this is like a family-friendly feel-good movie. If you just need a bit of a bit

Bit of an escape. I really enjoyed it. It's a new one. You might have seen it trending because it has been in the top 10 on Netflix. It is called Nona's. It is executive produced and the main actor in it is Vince Vaughn. What is it called? Nona's? Yeah. They say, I guess because it's American, I thought that was how I was supposed to pronounce it. Like Nona's is how I would have said it, but they say Nona's. So I'm trying to do it. I'm trying to do it justice to the Italians.

Don't come for me, honest. I love Italians. So this, as it turns out, I didn't know this until the very end of the movie and I liked it more knowing it. So I want you going in knowing it. It is based off of a true story. The synopsis, because I don't want to give too much away, is a grieving man, which is Vince Vaughn, finds the recipe for healing when he buys an Italian restaurant and he hires four sassy seniors as the chefs.

So he buys this restaurant and he employs four Italian nonnas to come in and be the chefs. And it's kind of the story about how the business, you know, it's either going to fail or whether it's going to take off. Yeah.

And I will just say that by the end of this, my boyfriend had tears coming out of his eyes and he's also pre-ordered the cookbook that you can now get from Nona's in Staten Island. So they've also got a cookbook to go alongside it. Apparently he's already ordered it. Sometimes it's nice just watching something that's sugary and easy and doesn't leave you feeling like you're with anxiety. Yeah, it was really nice. It was like food for the soul and also some recipes that you could probably put on the dinner table. Do you want to know like an unrelated story?

Fun fact. So the actress in that, Susan Sarandon, I used to be a nanny for Susan Sarandon's nanny. What? In Italy. So wait, her nanny used to leave. I was a nanny in Italy. So when I moved to Italy when I was like 18, 19, 20-

I was a nanny and I nannied for Susan Sarandon's nanny. Imagine going to work to be a nanny only to have to then hire a nanny. She wasn't her nanny anymore. She used to nanny for her, then she became a mum and wasn't a nanny and then I was her nanny. But that's my connection to Susan Sarandon, so we're basically besties. Also, I feel like she hasn't changed in 20 years. There's episodes of her on Friends and I watched her in this movie and I was like, you look the same. Yeah. I'm going to be honest, I have no idea who she is, but...

This is her. After Owen Wilson last week, you're like, I'm not playing this game again. Susan Sarandon. She's a brilliant actress. She's been around forever. I can't see from there, but yep, I agree. That is so funny that you don't know who she is.

It's called Nunners on Netflix. It's a movie. It goes for about two hours and I really enjoyed it. I have a fantastic podcast recommendation episode for you guys to listen to. It goes for an hour and 30 minutes, so give yourself a bit of time. It is from Feel Better, Live More by Dr. Chatterjee, who you guys interviewed on the podcast, like on Life Uncut Yourselves. So you can go back and listen to that one as well. But this was Dr. Chatterjee's

interviewing Dr. Daniel Amen. Now, the name of this podcast episode is How to Future-Proof Your Brain, Simple Daily Practices to Improve Focus, Energy, Memory, Mood, Emotional Wellbeing with Dr. Daniel Amen. This was in

incredibly fascinating to me. And the whole premise of this episode was all about loving your brain, which sounds kind of woo-woo and bizarre, but also like he is a very well-renowned psychiatrist. But the thing that is and sets his research apart and what they really get into in this episode is that he shares insights into 250,000 brain scans that he has done and how we can actually repair the damage that we've done on our brain. He goes into all

all the different life factors that we all expose ourselves to on the daily that impacts and deteriorates your brain health. But the thing that I think I didn't realize until listening to this, I kind of thought that once you damaged your brain, whether it be from drinking in your 20s or partying or whatever it was, that that damage was done. And there's actually so many things that you can put in place to

and to improve what they've found is these improved brain scans from things like diet, you know, stopping alcohol and everything else. But one of the things that he speaks about are,

the impacts of marijuana and how significant that is, how significant psychedelics are in deteriorating the brain and also the food and the cosmetic products that you're using on your skin. And for anyone who has teenage kids and you worry about them potentially getting into drinking or getting into doing drugs, which just feels like a rite of passage at a certain age,

It was really interesting how he put it into accessible language to have conversations with kids around the damage that they're doing. And also the fact that like, we're so focused on the way that we look. We're so focused on like our, you know, cosmetic surgeries and the things that we do to our face to improve our appearance that

But because your brain is something that you just don't see, you don't have access to the damage that you're doing to it, we often neglect it and don't realize the accumulative effects. And I have never really thought about it prior, but for someone who has Alzheimer's and dementia in my family, and that is definitely something that I think about.

often and mental health is a big factor of our family as well. This episode really felt like, oh, okay, there's tangible things that can be done to improve your resistance to getting something like Alzheimer's. And here are all the things that are contributing and increasing people's exposure and risk to Alzheimer's and dementia.

fucking loved it. It was fascinating. What I also love about Dr. Amen is that when he speaks about things with advice like this, it's actionable. Like, it's not like, you know, the guy who's the billionaire who's doing all the science stuff to his body. Taking his son's blood and stuff. Yeah. Like you don't have to be of that level. And weirdly talking about our past lives, when I was in medical research, I was doing an honors in biomedical science and my research was in synaptic plasticity. It's also referred to as neural plasticity. And

I remember at the time I started in an alcoholism lab and then I moved to an addiction lab. And it was so fascinating to me to see scans of what alcohol can do to your brain and like, you know, chronic use of different substances and whatever. But it's really...

I don't know, it's encouraging to kind of be like, yes, there are the really bad things and yes, there is a point where you can damage that brain tissue to the point where it won't regenerate. But unless you're not, like before you're at that point, there are things that you can do and that kind of provides hope. Yeah. And also the fact that what he talks about is how

now we are of an age where neuroscience is defining culture and society and rules as to how we regulate society. So for example, he was like, you know, in American football, they used to never wear helmets. Then they wore leather helmets. Now they wear full protective gear. Kids under the age of, I think it's 10 years old, can't do contact head sports in soccer or like there's certain rules around the ages of which you can do certain things. And, you know, we've obviously had the rules come in in Australia that are going to be actioned over the next

year and a half or whatever it is around 16 years and under being able to access social media. This all comes off the back of the research that has been provided from neuroscience around the effects that this stuff is having on the brain. It's genuinely one of the best episodes I've listened to recently. Go and have a listen to it. It is episode 555, How to Future Proof Your Brain, Simple Daily Practices to Improve Focus, Energy, Memory, Mood and Emotional Wellbeing with Dr. Daniel Amen. What a title. Go and have a listen.

That's a mouthful. Let's get into the questions. All right, question number one, wedding jitters. Since getting engaged seven months ago, I have dreamt multiple times a week about an ex-situationship from about 10 years ago. My fiancé and I have been together for over six years and lived together for five, so getting married shouldn't really feel that different. I love my fiancé and it hurts my heart to think of not being with him, but I also feel a little bit of a pit in my stomach when I think about the wedding, which is in August.

Is this just wedding nerves? I feel like I may have some commitment issues as I've never had a long relationship before this one. I also don't love being the center of attention. So could that be contributing to it? Is this just a normal reaction before such a big commitment? I guess that's why they joke about people getting cold feet before a wedding, but I never thought that was real. Would love your opinions, please.

This is really hard to answer, to be honest, for me, because the cold feet are a real thing. Like that's where it comes from. People do get nervous about locking down for the rest of their life with someone. Like you can feel certain things.

It's strange to me that the person you started to think about is a situationship from a decade ago. Like usually if somebody starts to be like, oh my God, is this the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Usually it's because someone that was like pivotal in their life or had a huge impact in their life. You know, maybe it's an ex that didn't,

you weren't in control of the breakup or you thought it was the one that got away. Or I find it fascinating that your person is a situation. It was like literally someone you're fucking 10 years ago. That's crazy to me. But I think the most important thing here to think of is,

is the fact that you have said, it hurts my heart to think of not being with your partner, your fiance. And that's what I think you need to hone in on here. I don't want to say it's normal to get cold feet because it's absolutely not. I mean, I definitely didn't. I know most of my friends haven't got it, but that doesn't mean it means anything either. You might just be nervous. You just said there are things like you don't like people looking at you and the commitment might be a big thing.

But I don't know what to tell you about the situationship. Like that's weird to me that a decade later that person is still in the forefront of your brain. I Googled this because I was like I really don't know how to answer this question because –

everything you've said is a possibility, right? Like, yes, you could just have cold feet. Yes, it could be anxiety because you don't want to stand up in front of a big group of people. Yes, it could be anxiety because you don't know if like you want to get married and you have commitment issues. Yes, you could still love your situation ship. But when I Googled is cold feet normal, it said, yes, experiencing cold feet is generally normal, especially in cooler environments or when inactive. Maybe a bit more specific there with that Google search, Laura. So I did revise it. Neuroscience has taken over.

I did revise it and it said, yes, experiencing cold feet before a wedding is common and a normal phenomena in most people. I think to think that you can go into, and I know there are a lot of people who had absolutely no doubt and no fear and no fear.

feelings of uncertainty or anything going into their marriages and their weddings. And I feel really lucky that I got to be that version of a person. But I also know that there are people that do have cold feet and it doesn't mean that the relationship's not the right relationship for them. It might mean that they radiate on a higher anxiety and a frequency that they, you know, have had commitment issues that there is, they've got a, just a different download blueprint for how they attach to people. That's a very real possibility. Um,

My biggest thing is that I would ask yourself, do you have anxiety about your relationship or do you have anxiety about the physical wedding day? Because they're two very different things. And you've said that you love him so much you can't imagine your life without him. Focus on that. Exactly as you said, Britt. Like to me, that's your answer. Yeah.

all the other stuff that you have been thinking about or worrying about, then that to me doesn't really seem like it is as big in comparison. And what I kind of think sometimes happens is you can have a thought about something. Obviously, you've had a dream about an ex-boyfriend or whatever it was, situationship.

And then because you've thought about that and you've given that some more mental energy, it kind of snowballs and gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And just because it's a thought doesn't make it real. Just because it's something that you have dreamt about certainly isn't something that you should give energy and focus to it. And the more energy and focus you do give to it, the more confused you're going to feel about this whole thing. I think you just need to pinpoint what the feeling in the pit of your stomach is. You're like, every time I think of the wedding, I feel...

an off feeling in the pit of my stomach. Okay. What is that? I got that, but mine was personally surrounding the feeling of how much I've spent. That made me feel sick. The stress because things weren't working out and I, things, you know, I had my photographer cancel a week before. We haven't even spoken about that. I had a lot of things that were happening the week before and I was feeling that feeling in the pit of my stomach, but it wasn't, I could pinpoint that it had nothing to do with who I was marrying or if I was making the right choice. But also on that Brit, like,

there's a big fear of the unknown for some people. You know, like marriage is a huge commitment. It is a huge step in a direction. You're obviously taking it seriously. You know you love this person. You've been with them for a really long time. I don't think that you have fear around the relationship. But yeah,

The unknown of like what is to come in your life over the next 20, 30, 40 years is a really, really big thing to wrap your head around. And like people get anxiety about changing jobs. People get anxiety about moving to a new town. Like I think it's very normal to have anxiety about getting married to someone and really assessing where that feeling comes from.

whether it's around the commitment, whether it's around the relationship or whether it's around like the fear of the unknown, like they're all things that you can sit down and kind of like plot out yourself. I just don't want to sit here and tell you that it's not normal to have these feelings because I think it is. Yeah, but I just can't work out the dreaming multiple times a week about the guy from 10 years ago. That's the part that I'm getting that I'm not saying that that's a reason not to marry your partner. I think 100% marry your partner. I just am a bit confused about where the dreams have come from all of a sudden because

I'm fascinated by dreams. Like we know that. I've tried to do dream episodes. You guys cancel it all the time. But I love dreams. I love to talk about dreams. I don't know what it means other than- We allowed you to and how did that go, Brittany? Well, we picked the wrong person. But I will find a way to find another dream expert and we will get the one. But do you think it's because maybe she didn't have closure from the previous situation, Chip, and now she's like going into this next chapter where it's definitely locked down and it's not like it's actually any different to how you're living but-

I kind of understand why your brain's playing games being like, you're about to lock this down for sure and get married, but remember...

Remember what it was like before. Totally. I actually think that sometimes when you are in a big like life transition, your brain does kind of, it goes back through the file of facts and it goes like, okay, well, what have we experienced in the past? And it pulls up old memories. And, but the thing is, is like your thoughts and your memories around something, we have to take it with a grain of salt because it's not real. We are so conditioned to only remember the good bits. There's obviously reasons why that situation ship never worked out. And I don't even think that this person's pining about it anyway because

But I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. I kind of think that sometimes your brain just pulls things out and especially with dreams, like it might pull an ex out and then you have this weird dream about your ex and you wake up in the morning and then you're thinking about them and you're like, ugh. But you didn't actively think – that wasn't an active thing that you had control over. And I think it's okay to just accept that, put it back in the file of facts and get on with life. I also think it's a really normal thing and this is where I think –

you know, if I had to make a psychological assumption with my expertise, this is where I'm going. With all the research we've done. It's a very normal thing to, when you are getting married, have the thought process of like, wow, like I am never going to be with someone else again. Like this is the one person that I am going to be intimate with, that I'm going to have sex with, that I'm going to have experiences with, that I'm going to do my day. Like I thought that, and that's not a, it's not a bad thing, but it was like, oh my God, like this is my person I'm choosing for the rest of my life.

Whether you realize it or not, subconsciously, that is going to make you think of past experiences. And, you know, obviously the situationship was a good one for you. Obviously you enjoyed it. They were somewhat pivotal in whatever reason. And you're going back to thinking of like, I'm never going to have those moments again. So maybe now that it's in the forefront of your brain, it is a recurring thing that you're thinking about. But

Don't overthink it. You said you love your fiance. You can't imagine your life without him. Embrace it. Don't like, this is a time that you should be really excited and happy about. And it's okay to think of an ex or someone you've been with in the past, every single person married or not married.

their ex is popping to their brains at some point or someone that they've had some kind of like, that's normal. We've spoken to psychologists that have said that's normal. So I don't want you to like psych yourself out that you're getting cold feet and you're making a mistake. If I can marry this guy, he's amazing. You've been with him six years. Let's poll this as well, because people have interesting opinions on whether, like, how do you define what level of cold feet is normal or what is a red flag that something is not just, you know, it's not just an indicator of cold feet, but actually it's an indicator that the marriage is not right. Yeah.

I don't think that that's the case in this situation. All right. All right. Question number two.

Hi guys, I have a dilemma. I love when my partner goes down on me, but because I am so comfortable with him, I fart, I poo, I pull out tampons in front of him, I do it all, there's no secrets. You're probably not while he's going down on you though, I would assume. No, she's- Simultaneously. Yeah, it was an odd sentence to put together, but she's just trying to say she loves it and that she also has no secrets from him. So she's like, he has seen pretty much everything. We've been together for four years. He has been diagnosed with OCD, especially around cleanliness.

Now, because he has seen all of the things I have just said he has seen, he doesn't like to go down on me even when I've suggested doing it as soon as we've had a shower.

Is this something you think we can work on or do I have to find alternatives like toys, et cetera? Please give me your best advice. I mean, this is a big conversation to have with your partner. If he's been actually diagnosed with OCD, it's not just someone who's like. Suck it up and go down there, boy. Yeah, it's really, it's a tricky one. Like that's a psychological diagnosis. It's really hard for us to sit here and be like, he should be pleasuring you and you deserve a man who could, like this is, it causes him pain.

Anguish. Like this is, unfortunately, this is something that's really, you know, we make jokes, but a lot of people talk about OCD so casually. A lot of people like, oh, I have OCD. I need things to be cleaned. And it's just because they like stuff to be ordered. No, people who are diagnosed with OCD, it is a psychological battle to be able to get through the day when things aren't done or aren't specifically in a way that their OCD brain needs them to be.

Yeah. And I would say that unfortunately for you, this will be something that is going to take a lot of either A, time, perseverance and patience for him to be able to get to a point where he can do that. That might take the sexiness out of it. You know, knowing that your partner

can't do it because they're psychologically tormented doesn't really make you be like, yeah, if I can go down on me, but you also could stop swinging the tampons around. You can stop pooping in front of him. Like there's, there's those kinds of, and this goes back to why I said, I don't fart personally in front of my partner. You've said you fart, poop, pull tampons, do it all.

Which is so fine. But I have always said you have to be aware it is going to take some parts. And I know that he has OCD and it's different, but I'm talking generally speaking. You do have to be aware that if you're going to be like taking dumps in front of your partner and doing stuff, you can't unsee or unsmell that stuff. And it is going to have some sort of an effect.

I don't think normally take the OCD out of this, right? It would be a different question. They're not the same question. OCD does change it. So if you take the OCD out, you know, I think Laura would say the same thing that it is a conversation you have and you can work on and like you do need to be able to meet each other halfway with how you're pleasuring people.

but you can't force somebody, partner or not, to do something that they don't want to do. And if he, OCD or not, doesn't want to go down on you, then you do have to find another alternative. Like you can't just say it's not fair, grab his head and put it down there. Like it's not going to happen, OCD or not. So maybe...

the alternative is that you do have to find other ways to pleasure yourself that work for both of you, whether that is toys or, you know, you can go and speak to a sex therapist and find out different ideas in different ways, or they will know things that we don't know on ways to work on this. That's what they're trained on. Well, and also a hundred percent could not have said any of that better, but also like, it's not that he's being lazy. You know, when we've had these types of conversations in the past, it's been very evident that the partner's just

fucking lazy and they just can't be bothered. Or selfish or whatever. Yeah, or selfish or like, you know, in which case we would answer it so differently. But I agree with you. We are very open in our household. We still have a great sex life. No one cares if the other person kind of does all the gross things. We all know that it's like –

That's a human bodily function. It's fine. It doesn't make me less attracted to Matt and vice versa. However, in this instance, it is affecting your life. So you can make some sacrifices as well. And I would say actually from reading this, it does seem like she did all those things and now she's like, oh, I realize the impact and effect it's had. So maybe it's going to be a time thing. But yeah, I actually unfortunately feel like because of the OCD diagnosis and it being something that is actually clinical, it's

You can't just overcome this as easily, unfortunately. And, you know, are you able to still have the same amount of enjoyment in your sex life and pleasure and everything else from using toys? That's a question that only you can answer. It depends on how important oral sex is to you. But I would think that there's probably many other ways that you can both satisfy each other without that being something that's as important.

You know what I thought when I read this initially, and I know that I'm being like a stereotypical of a heterosexual relationship. I actually read this and I thought, wow, I wonder how often desire is impacted, but in reverse, like for women who see their partner be a bit gross, how much does that impact their desire to want to have sex with them? That's what I've talked about. Yeah. That is the core of what I've talked about. I don't want to see or hear Ben do that. I want to have two separate lives where we all know we do it.

Like, you know, I worked in a hospital for a decade. Like I have seen, I've cleaned up poo and stuff from people. Like that's part of our jobs. If Ben was sitting there farting in front of me all the time and whatever else,

it takes away my desire in that moment. Would I have wanted to have sex with him after he's just like done 10 stinky farts on me? Maybe not. If he didn't do them and started to put the moves on, would I? Probably. And I get that it's different for everyone and it doesn't touch the sides for you, Laura, but I really want to try and keep those things a little bit separate. I mean, don't get me wrong. If Matt was farting on me all day, I'm not like, okay, you're lit.

They're not together. I'm not doing them at the same time. I just mean like I'm able to separate and differentiate when we're talking about, you know, or like feeling attracted versus like if he walks out of the bathroom after doing a shit, I'm not like, hey, let's go now. Like that would obviously be some time in between. The reason I mentioned that is because, you know, you guys mentioned that he had been diagnosed with OCD. I think that that's probably an extreme thing.

version of this situation, but I think this situation actually plays out a lot. And I would agree with you, Keish. And I do think that stereotypically we expect women to be more ladylike and to have a higher level of cleanliness and a higher level of everything than what we expect men to. And I think that men can get away with being a bit

grubbier and a bit dirtier and I'm not saying that like anyone is wanting to have sex with a guy that you would think is like grubby or dirty but the thing is is like men are just allowed to be men and women have to be more ladylike and socially that has been accepted for a very long time however I do feel that there is a bit of a rebalancing that's going on yeah it's definitely a lot of relationships mine included she's doing it herself she's riffing out that she's ongoing fuck the patriarchy that is that is

Like, I think that that's a next level. I don't think I would change a tampon in front of my partner, not because I have anything against periods, just because I like the privacy of that. Like, I don't... If Matt walked into the bathroom... Also, I would never, ever do a number two in front of him either. Like, we have limits. But I don't think he would just casually be in the bathroom with me changing tampons. I have...

I've changed my, I don't use tampons, but my period cup, my menstrual cup, I've changed that before in the shower in front of Ben, but I've always said I'm going to do this. Like I don't just do it. Isn't that just horrifying when it's like shark week? Because like that to me is way more visceral than just putting a tampon in. That's discreet. But that's what I say to him. I tell him it's happening.

I'm going to say, hey, I'm going to do this. I'm shocked by that. But he doesn't watch it. I'll just be like, don't watch it. You don't need to see it. But he'll just turn his back or something. But it's like we're not so – it's still a normal thing and he wouldn't be put off by it. Like he understands it. But that's like –

That's different to me again than like farting on someone or something. It's like it's something that we experience every single month. It's every single woman experiences it. And I don't say, hey, look down, I've got a shark wig. But I'm like, hey, I'm giving you the choice right now. This is what I'm doing in my shower. So you can do it.

you can stay and get it will come along for the ride or you can get out like whatever. Yeah. And do you know what? Like I absolutely can recognize that my bias around it is because there is like, I mean, we've been brought up to have period shame. Like we've been brought up to be like, that's private. You do that and you're in the toilet by yourself. But the thing is, is like, I probably because of that very deep seated bias, like I said, I prefer the privacy around it. You know, like I don't want the kids coming in the room while I'm changing a tampon, which is so fine. Give me 30 seconds.

I'm sure there's been times where they've not given me that privacy, but anyway. All right. Next question. My partner spent $6,000 on Roblox. What's Roblox? It's an online game. Kind of like Candy Crush. I asked Sherry. Right, right.

It's actually, there's so much terrible research into Roblox now around like how many predators are on there because lots of kids use it. It's like, it's fucking seedy and awful. It's the ultimate virtual universe that lets you create, share experiences with friends and be anything you can imagine. Yeah. So you can like have your own communities and like world that you live in on Roblox. Obviously none of us use it. I'm sure there's a lot of people. Laurie seems to know a lot about it. There's a lot. No, I watched a doco on kids who use it and how there's like child sex predators on there. So like that's a whole nother story. Let's not go into that.

My partner and I have been together for three years and I love him more than anyone. When we first started dating, he had a slight pokies issue and was completely transparent with it. Together, we worked on that habit and he stopped gambling on pokies. He played poker once a week and that has been fine. However, last night I went into his phone when he was asleep to see where he's been spending money after he made a comment about being tight for money. I looked and

And there were three Roblox transactions for over $100 each from the weekend. So today I logged into his account and I went through all of the transactions. I worked out that since January, he has spent over $6,000 on this stupid game. And he's been lying about it. He said he didn't get paid enough this week to get his savings out, etc. But in reality, he has been spending it on Roblox.

I need advice because this is just so fucking childish. I do realize it's a deeper problem than him playing games. It is an addiction and I want to help him, but how do I confront him about it? I just want what's best for him. For context, we don't share a bank account for these reasons. I am very money savvy and a good saver and he is absolutely the opposite.

This is hard because we seem to look at addiction very differently and spending money very differently when it is like straight up mainstream gambling. Yeah.

or like alcoholism or things like that to something like gaming, like something that everyone does. Your grandma could do it. Like my mom loves Candy Crush. Your mom does love Candy Crush. She loves Candy Crush. She loves it. She's so good at it. She's at like level a thousand or something. She's like, she is, she loves that stuff. But my point is we look at it differently, but the question is, should we, if we know it's an actual addiction and something they're lying about. So that's where I think this takes a different layer of

So he might be like, hey, it's just a game and a hobby, which it is. Gamers all over the world, it is what they love to do in their pastime. Same as someone might like to go and spend $500 a year to register for rugby. You know what I mean? For them, it's what they're choosing to do in their pastime and that's the way they sell it a lot. The reason it's a problem here is he's lying about it.

He's spending $6,000 already in the first six months. So if we're going to average that out, he's spending 12K a year on a game that you don't know about. And

At the end of the day, it is impacting you guys because he's saying he doesn't have enough money. He's not able to contribute enough when he has 12 grand a year that he can put into an online game. It's tricky because you are going to have to have that conversation with him 100%. Like I am 100% saying, yes, this is a full on issue and it is a sit down conversation. It does mean you have to say to him that you've gone through his accounts or you've seen what he's spending. So it comes with its own problems. He's going to feel like you've gone behind his back.

You're going to throw that back in his face and say, well, you went behind my back. So the way you handle this conversation is going to be pivotal to the outcome. It is a really hard one because you obviously identify that your partner has addiction issues. The problem with addiction is that addiction isn't about a thing. Addiction is...

is the issue and it is transferred. So if you're not dealing with the actual addiction issue, with the fact that when he's addicted to the pokies, he then, and he stops doing that, he's going to find something else to funnel his addiction into. It's the feeling. It's the way that addiction works. So there is a root problem here that needs to be addressed that isn't the Roblox because you could fix the Roblox thing and I guarantee you in six months time, he'll be doing it with something else. This is just a cycle and you are now realizing the pattern. And look,

Yes, you went through his belongings. You went through his bank account. You guys are going to have to have conversations about that. That's going to be super uncomfortable because you don't trust him. You know that there is something wrong and you are having to go and search for this yourself. There's just a, there's many layers as to why that this is a huge problem. The only thing I do kind

kind of worry about with the Roblox situation is the way that these games are so insidious in how they take money. It's small incremental amounts. I would doubt that he would have any idea he spent $6,000 in the same way that you might get Ubers everywhere or use Uber Eats. And then one day you do your budgeting and you go, holy fucking shit, I've spent $4,000 on Uber Eats. Totally. But you know that you've spent $300 in one weekend. Yeah.

Yes and no, because a lot of these things you just click, it's so easy to click as you go. And it's like, you might be buying tokens or you might be buying X, Y, Z. And just like, unless you're keeping a physical tally and it's very tricky to keep an actual log of how much you're spending unless you're checking. I agree, but normally, but for this one, I'm disagreeing because she literally says just this weekend, there were three transactions that

each one was over $100. So it's not like I'm $2 token. I get how that accumulates, but you've got to know if you're doing $100, $100, $100 within like 24 to 48 hours. And look, maybe I'm giving him too much grace in this, but I would assume that he's probably not aware he spent $6,000. Maybe that's playing devil's advocate. However, you know, it's still a huge problem. $12,000 in a year on a stupid game is a crazy amount. Like think about all of the things that you guys could be building together. Now,

I would say that very big conversations have to be had and figuring out how to resolve this addiction issue entirely. And maybe he needs to really do some other work because it's not just the pokies. Like I said, it's not just Roblox. It's going to turn into something else. And if you guys are not...

on the same page when it comes to how you manage your finances, if you're not on the same page with how you're going to build your lives together, this is something that's going to keep on reoccurring. And you can love someone so much. You can have the most amazing relationship in every other aspect. But for as long as you keep life and assets and everything else separate, this won't rear its head in a way that's like insurmountable for you. But when you go down the track of having kids or you, if you do, or you get married or when your finances become more merged,

this is going to be a huge fucking problem. So you have to fix it now. And if you can't fix it now, then I just don't know if this is like the right type of relationship to be in, especially when saving money, progressing your financial future is something that is clearly so important to you. But very hard conversations have to be had. Question number four.

What is your opinion on gifts? Can you buy someone something from Marketplace secondhand because that way you can actually afford it and you know that they're going to love it? Or can you give someone something that you have owned before? Now, hear me out for context. It's my niece's first birthday coming up where we would normally spend, I guess, about $100 to $150 on a gift.

We're about to sell something that has hardly been used by our own two-year-old. The retail price is $260, but they sell for $200 on Marketplace. Can you do that? Or is this super tight? Then if you can do it...

Do you tell them that it is secondhand or do you palm it off and pretend you bought it? You can't palm it off and pretend that you bought it after it's been used by a two-year-old. No, you can't do that. Well, I think they'll know anyway. It's not in a package. Yeah. Like it's not unless you're wrapping it to the kid quietly and pretend that they've unwrapped it. They've already unwrapped it and already like scratched it and, you know, made it dirty, slobbered on it.

I don't know. I don't know. I think I would feel, personally, I would feel odd giving someone a gift that was, especially if it was a secondhand thing from my kid and trying to palm it off as though it was newly bought. I think that's where the problem is. If you know that this is something that they actually really want and that they're going to go out and buy anyway and that your niece would really, really love it, I think you can say to your sister, I have this. We were going to sell it on Marketplace.

but can I give it to her for her birthday? Gauge your reaction. They're going to tell you whether that's like a normal, because it might not even be something they want. Then you're just offloading your shit that you don't want that you're going to sell on Marketplace as a gift. So like check first. I personally would just say sell it on Marketplace and then buy a gift unless you have specifically asked if it's something that your sister wants because otherwise it does kind of come across as something

giving away the stuff you don't own your house anymore. That's my thought. I think it's fine. Check. Just check. I think it's fine. I don't have a problem with it. It's different. I mean, it's different if it was something that's been like absolutely trashed and used to death over the last two years of your child's life.

You've said that they've hardly used it. It feels like it's pretty much new. You know you'd get a great price from it. I think it's fine. But I also came from a family where we do that. Like we're happy to pass things on to each other and that's not an issue. I think it's different if you're faking it and you're pretending that you're rewrapping it. But that's what I mean. But like it's, I don't know, Marketplace is,

I love Marketplace. So much stuff for my sisters, baby, Maya, like Sherry buys all her stuff from Marketplace because you can get brand new stuff basically for like a quarter of the price. So I think if it's about saving money like that, and if you can't afford it, I truly think if you say you cannot afford a gift, you shouldn't be buying something you can't afford. There's always a way to give something within your means, but especially for a one-year-old,

I'm sure you love her. She's not going to remember it. She's one. She's four months old. I have a question though. This specific type of gift, you just said you have a two-year-old and she's hardly used it. Is it because it's actually not a functional thing? Like is there a reason why your two-year-old hasn't used it? Because every single parent has crap in their house that their kid hasn't used and it's because their kid either didn't really like it, didn't engage with it. Like there's a reason why it's not being used. Is it because you had two of them? It's like a world map.

So it's like don't give away something that wasn't useful to you because it just makes an easy gift is kind of how I feel about it. The only thing that I would say in rebuttal to you, Britt, is like have a think about it from like this perspective, not about kids' toys. Imagine it was your birthday.

and I had a vase or a salad bowl that's been at my house for a year, which I've used a couple of times, but actually I just decided it doesn't really suit my house anymore. And I wrapped it up and gave it to you. You would be like, Laura, I've seen this in your house. And I'd be like, yeah, but I got that cheese board for my wedding and we don't really like it. So I thought you would love it. Here it is. Yeah, but I think it's different when it's your niece and she's one. Totally. Because my whole house is just hand-me-down furniture from both

of you? Yeah, but I just give it to you. I don't do it as a gift. I don't say, Keisha, it's your birthday. I do it for blackmail. It's your birthday. Here's a cabinet. Like, I've never... You've got this. You saw this. I've never charged you for the furniture because I would never. Which I'm grateful for. Thank you. And I've just given it to you because it's stuff I would have put on Marketplace anyway. I do it so I've got something on you. Like,

Blackmail, like an IOU on. Like I just like lock that away. One day I'll bring it out. There was a good – I've choked it. Okay, here's my other question though when it comes to Marketplace. So for example, if you do have a piece of furniture or something that you could put on Marketplace but if you're giving it to a friend, do you give it to them for free or for a reduced price than what you would do on Marketplace? Because if it's for a friend, I would never charge them. I just give it away. I think it depends on what it is or how big it is, your financial situation at the time, their financial situation at the time.

Like I think there's loads to do with it and I don't think it's right or wrong either way. It's like whatever that situation is. I definitely think you have to give it to a friend for less. Oh, I'm just haggling with them when they come. Mate,

It's true. Some of the hell in your marketplace just makes it not worth it. You're like, it's $200 firm. You put something up $600 and they're like, I'll give you $10. And can you deliver it? You're like, no. Also, okay, one more question about marketplace. And I think this happened to you recently, Keish. Or was it to you? I don't know. It's someone here.

How do we feel about people being like, I will come and inspect it and then decide whether or not I'm going to take it home? I've recently met someone inspecting Keisha's marketplace. Like I turned up and there was a man there and I was like, Keisha, talk to me about this man in your house. She's like, marketplace, marketplace. He then, after he left, he was lovely to be fair. He was nice. But I was selling it for like, it was a wardrobe and it was, oh no, it was a desk. I was going to say, was it the one I gave you?

Yeah, she's upselling it. Are you selling my furniture for a profit, Keisha? It is. She would do that. She would do that. I think it was a desk or something. Anyway, he came to look at it and then he went away and then he was –

really not communicative and then he tried to like halve the price and I was like bro I'm just gonna give it to someone like I'm just this is not worth it. You're wasting my time. Waste so much time like and also I'm a contractor like I actually charge by the minute or by the hour so you are literally costing me money. I walked into Keisha's house the other day it was unrelated but funny Ben and I went over to Keisha's new house she just moved into a new house beautiful. I'm such a scared. No

No, you're not. It was just funny. So we walk in and Ben goes, that coffee table looks really familiar. That's just because I got the same one. And she goes, oh, I copied Brit. And then he's like, that lounge is familiar too. And she's like, that was Brit's. And he's like, and he goes, this looks like furniture in your house, Brit, to like a banister thing. And she's like, also Brit's. And it's like my whole new house. And the rug that you walked past on the way in? Laura's.

It was actually so funny. We love to see it. It's like you're our little child. I still find Buster's hair every now and then coming out of nowhere. It's nice. Well, look, okay, going back to this specific question though, I think that it is okay to buy gifts off Marketplace but only if it's something that your friend actually really wants. So like for example, if there is – God, now I'm going to try and think of something on the fly. Like if it's – someone give me something. Dildo. Okay.

Sorry, what? A little bit used. Only a couple of times. Is it something electronic? Yeah, I don't know. Look, okay, a camera, right? But then like maybe not a camera because a camera might come with a warranty and stuff from like… Okay, you asked me to just throw examples out there, so… I know, it's not working. Just your own example. Okay, for example, for example…

a Yoto. I'm going to use this as like a kid's little listening thing. They're quite expensive. And for example, if you don't have the money to spend $200 or $250, whatever they are for a Yoto or for like all of the little cards and stuff, I think it's totally fine to say to your friend or your loved one, like, oh, I want to get a Yoto. I found it for a really good price on Marketplace. If it's secondhand, just giving them a heads up that it's secondhand. Because I do think that it kind of comes across

unusual to get a wrapped up gift that is very evidently used. That's where I think that it might just, they're not going to say anything. They're not going to be ungrateful. I'm not saying that there's like an element of privilege. I'm just saying that in order to ensure that everyone's like, yeah, cool. Great. Like they want to go to, it's going to work. It's perfect, but you can get it for 40 bucks less, like fantastic. But I don't think you should pass it off as though you bought something new. It feels weird. Yeah. And it probably

changes for me when I think about it over the years, like when I was younger or maybe my teenage years, early twenties, if a friend bought me a gift from marketplace, I would have been like scab, like, you know, like, I would've been like so scabby, but I was, I'm young and dumb right now at this point in my life, I would be grateful for anything anyone got me. And I would be hyper aware that if someone has gone to marketplace to get you something, chances are they're not in the financial situation to get you something else. And like,

Or they were able to buy something that was above the amount of money that they could have purchased. Although there's so many examples of when you would go, that's fucking weird. Like, for example, if it was your birthday and I just folded up a jumper that I've had for a while and gave it to you. I've never given you something new. I go to my gift cupboard.

I think I gave you something back once that you gave me. Nah, jokes. Britt has definitely re-gifted PR gifts before we've been caught up. I'm happy for them. Only because it was engraved with my name and I didn't see it. And it was my cousin and I was saving my sister because she forgot her present. So don't make me sound like a scab. No, it's so funny. But what I mean by this is that I think that there are limitations to it. I think it's okay to give...

versions of something that might be secondhand but like there also has to be the thought that counts in this whole equation because if you're just looking in your wardrobe for something or looking in your pantry cupboard for something because you didn't buy a gift and you're trying to save cash like that's crap because you're just offloading your own shit onto someone else who probably doesn't want it other opinion and I'm thinking to the conversation you guys have with Sarah Wilson maybe it's

our opinions on this. Maybe it's actually like our conditioning on the fact that we think it's cheap and it's scabby. Maybe we actually all collectively need to change our minds about giving secondhand things so that we all don't have as much shit floating around and going to landfill. Or, I mean, yeah, I do agree, but don't you think it then comes back to still it's the thought that counts? Totally. You can't change the whole society with one gift that you've purchased from Marketplace and being like, this is actually because of my morals. Yeah, it's got to be because you –

If you're going to choose something that is secondhand, the thought has to matter more. You have to have picked that piece because it had a reason as to why you picked that piece, not just because it was like convenient to give something from your house that you don't want. That's my answer. I keep going back to that example. Look, it's multilayered.

I think this one's okay. She's one. You think it's a great toy? If you think it's fine and it's not like cracked and broken and old and it's still relatively new, then absolutely fine. We put too much emphasis as a society, like you just said, Keish, on...

on like fancy things and superficial things and money and dollar values and how much do they spend and it's crazy. So I think it's fine. All right. Well, then there we go. Sorry, did I deep that? Did I go too dark and like say that we need to change as a society? It's probably true though. Like we maybe do need to soften our expectations on new things. Oh, for sure. Commercialization, communism, the world. No, I agree. Anyway, that's it from us guys. That was an important message. I don't think you need to say it in that voice.

Let's get out of here so I can go home to my house that's full of all of your secondhand furniture. Before we cancel ourselves, bye. Bye, guys. You know the drill. Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend, and share the love because love and secondhand things.