We're Cross Continental. Is taking your partners last name anti feminist?
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Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. We are on holidays. Let it be known. But this is not only is it cross-continent, this is cross-continent and cross-city record because we're all somewhere different. I'm down in Ulladulla. Love it down here.

Keisha's in Paddington and she has Delilah and I am over in Italy with Ben. But like the timeframe difference here, it's like I'm at midnight, you guys are at 8am. It's a whole thing trying to do this on holiday. Oh, let it be known, we were not here at 8am. We were here at 6.30am. But like technical difficulties when you're trying to record from overseas. So we've been dicking around for two hours trying to make this podcast work because we will never let you down. We'll just let ourselves down in the process. Yeah.

If you're watching this on YouTube, you will be able to see it. Delilah has absolutely given up. Bless her.

She's like, these fuckers cannot even organise a podcast recording. She's been laying there waiting for me to take her for a walk for two hours. And she's like, hurry up. But just so you guys know, so this is our last episode before we do take like a week and a half off. We bit the bullet a little bit early and decided that we'd all fuck off a couple of days before the actual holidays kicked in. So hence why this is chaos. But it's going to be great. We've got some important things to talk about. But Britt, you haven't seen Ben for almost 14 weeks. It was so good. It was like...

You sometimes, it's hard to explain. You almost get nervous in a way, not nervous, but the excitement. It's been so long since you've seen each other. And then you're like, you've built this up on a 24 hour flight. But we're like tracking our live locations to see how close we were together. And he was waiting out the front for me with a pizza. He had like a giant family size pizza waiting for me. It was really, really cute.

So we had like a really nice three minutes and then we had a really nice night. That was great. And then we spent the day in Milan, which was really cool. So he luckily a day...

One of his days off coincided with when I arrived, which wasn't intentional, very fortunate. So we spent this beautiful day in Milan, like tourists. It was really, really cool. And then we came to his new house. Ben moved into a very temporary apartment, two to three months. He lives on his own. He wasn't expecting visitors. I feel like I'm living with like everything.

an 18 year old college frat boy. Like we are in basically a studio apartment. It is so small, but he's like, I wasn't expecting to be here this long, but like I can reach my arms out. I can like touch all the walls. He's so big. He barely fits in here. I think that the bigger problem here is that Ben owns about 5,000 pairs of shoes. So I don't really know where he's put them right now, but that's probably the bigger problem that you guys have to deal with. It is an issue, but it's, it's been really, really nice. He's going away.

Well, he's been away for two days, sorry. So it's hard. It's like you come in on these highs. But with Ben's work, he can't just say, hey, my fiance is coming. Can I have a couple of days off? It doesn't work like that. He has a job and he has to go away. So I was only here for one day and then he's been gone for two days. He literally got back half an hour ago when we were recording. So I said hello and he's gone to bed because it's 1230 in the morning. You know what I have done? I have started something on Instagram. So I went to just get like a coffee and a croissant.

And I dipped my croissant in the coffee, which I'm a dipper. I don't know if you're a dipper, but like I will dip biscuits. I'll dip anything that I've got. And in Italy for breakfast here in Genoa, it's sort of like a tradition that you get focaccia and you dip your breakfast foods into your croissant. So I've just immersed myself in the culture. So my granddad who was from Italy and immigrated here when he was little, every single breakfast, he would have a bowl full

filled with coffee and he would dip his toast and he would put cereal and he would put things into his coffee and that's what he ate every single day. And I always thought it was the fucking weirdest thing, but it was like, that's what Papa did. It's so normal here. And so I'm dipping my croissant. Anyway, I've been crucified on Instagram. I did put a poll up that didn't go well. About 6,000 people said I was cooked and,

And about 1,000 people said that, yeah, they're pro dippers. But what I do want to say is, and maybe I should have saved it for my vibe of the week, try the dip. Get a croissant, get a coffee. But the croissant has to have like a filling, so like an almond croissant or something. And do the dip. I promise you, you will not look back. Think of like a beautiful, warm, coffee-infused croissant. If you haven't dipped by the time we come back, we know that there's a problem. I need you to dip, yeah. But the weather is, you know, the weather's really done me dirty here. I did not pack accordingly.

But I did have these visions of like being on the Amalfi Coast line and just having like an apparel and beautiful and sunshine and all these cute little clothing. Anyway, it is like a severe weather warning. And the whole time I'm here, like the next 10 days is literally like rain constantly. I don't even think we have a glimmer of sunshine.

I think if you're a parent and you're packing, you have to pack for like what is the most practical space conscious, right? Like I need to fit all of their clothes and fit all of my clothes. So like how many rotations of an outfit can I get out of this specific outfit? Whereas like it's almost like you have holiday theming and I'm here for it. I can't wait for the day that I'm able to go on a holiday and I'm theming outfit for a day. Yeah.

In my defense, it is really hard to pack for the weather that I have been going to. Like the countries, Romania and Scotland, one day could be hot and sunny and the next day you could be in an avalanche. So you have to be prepared. When I was leaving, I put on my stories. I put like all my clothes that I was packing. I had like two suitcases and I had one little suitcase and

the number of people that slid into my DMs, like abusing me for my packing style and how much stuff I was bringing. I couldn't believe how much my packing offended people. See, I can because I saw your packing and I was also offended. So I understand because I was like, how can one single person need so many things? That's why. Okay, I'm sorry. This time I have so much equipment. I've got tripods. I have cameras. I have more cables. I've got about 25 length of cables. I've got road casters. I have

This thing weighs five kilos. I had one whole bag that was basically equipment in my defense. And God damn it, I have another bag that's full of bikinis. So go fuck yourself. And fuck you and my 25 bikinis.

Hey, something did happen to me on the plane on the way over. So I don't know about you, but I am a sympathetic vomiter. Like the smell of vomit. I'm a sympathetic gagger. It's when someone gags that I then start gagging. Do you? Yeah, because kids get like congested and because they can't blow their nose, they snort it back all the time. And so then they're full of mucus. And so then in the nighttime, because they're so full of mucus, they start coughing and then they're like...

And I'll hear Marley from my bedroom doing it. And I know I need to run in with a bucket, but I can't run in with a bucket because I'm already in my bed also gagging. So Matt has to run in with a bucket. Anyway, that was probably too much information. What for her to spit it out? Because you're going to vomit. Because she vomits up mucus. Anyway, that was too fast. Sorry, guys. Yeah, that really escalated quickly. Keisha looks horrified. So back to the plane.

Where was I? No, so there was this little boy that was seated directly next to me. And at a push, like at best, he must have been eight years old, maybe six or seven, I don't know, quite small. And I don't know, his parents must have put him on the plane and were picking him up at the other end or I don't know what it was, but he was by himself. Anyway, we had probably the most hectic landing I have ever had. It was like the plane was flying and then just us decided like, this is it, we'll stop here and just went boom, like just dropped to the ground.

Anyway, the second that we hit the ground, this kid, projectile vomited everywhere. The back of the seat, the ground, all over himself, all down his legs. Like, I'm talking we're in touching distance. And I was like...

oh my god he looked straight at me and he was he's like I'm so sorry and I said it's okay buddy it's cool like heaps of people do that this is not rare anyway we were stuck on the tarmac because it was an emergency landing they didn't let anyone up so I had this little kid I was trying to comfort him and help clean him up while not letting him see that I was vomiting anyway couldn't help it vomited I'm just this kid and I looked at him and I was like I'm sorry I

looked at me and he's like I'm so sorry I was like it's cool and then I was like and then I looked at him and I was like I'm so sorry he's like it's cool I had to give

I had to give him my leftover rubbish, like the serviettes and stuff so he could wipe himself down. The mum in me goes like that poor little boy being on his own and then throwing up and then no one being there to take care of him. That's what I did. I always find it pretty amazing when kids are brave enough, but also parents are brave enough to put their kids on like an international flight by themselves. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't know if I would ever have the ability to do that.

Not all heroes wear capes, but I took my Qantas pyjamas on board and I did give him my Qantas pyjamas. I was like, you need to go and get changed, buddy. I was like, and put those in the bin. Put your clothes in the bin.

So this poor kid is walking around in like oversized Qantas pajamas. Bless him, the poor thing. Well, I had an update for you guys that I wanted to touch on from something I spoke about the other week. So if you guys were listening to the podcast, I was talking about how I have an ovarian cyst that has been on and off like quite a problem for me for like the last sort of six or seven months. And the last time I went and had it scanned, it was up to eight centimeters. And I

I mean, I really want to talk about this again because I received, I cannot tell you how many people messaged who had had their own experiences either with the healthcare system in terms of, you know, being a woman and experiencing complications, whether it's endometriosis or PCOS or ovarian cysts or whatever it was, or even people who had reached out who have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was shocked by how many of you there were.

and it really reiterated the conversation that we had around advocating for your own health and like being the one to push for scans and push for tests to be done if you know that there is something that just doesn't seem right with your body. If you didn't hear that episode the other week, just to kind of give you guys an update on that. So I think it was like September last year that I noticed that I had this lump in my side that was really, really painful. And I kind of suspected that it was my ovary, but didn't

I mean, I didn't do anything about it straight away, but eventually I was able to get in to get some scans done. And I had a five centimeter ovarian cyst, which at the time they said that they were just going to watch and monitor and see kind of what happened. And over the last few months, it's gone down in size. It's increased in size. It's kind of fluctuated depending on where I was at with my ovulation cycle. But the last time I went in, it had increased again to over eight centimeters.

And it was at that point when the sonographer and the specialist who was the one who like read the reports said that if it did have to go down the track of having the cysts removed, there's a pretty good chance I would lose my ovary in the process. Wow. Yeah. In terms of my fertility and stuff, like I kind of can wrap my head around the fact of losing an ovary. But at the same time, I did feel kind of a bit cheated because I was like, well, if we'd done something about it when it was five centimeters. Hmm.

would we be in a different situation? Like, is it really a case that has to be monitored? But also this is not my place and it's not my speciality to criticize or to even, I guess, really question these kinds of decisions.

but I do want to say I had some really good news. So I went and had a scan done. They've been monitoring it like every couple of weeks last sort of, you know, a few months now. And I had my last lot of scans done and it had decreased in size again. So now it's down to four centimeters. So apparently what had happened is that, um,

when I had ovulated, it had bled into the cyst. And so the cyst had grown in size and apparently these things can fluctuate throughout your menstrual cycle as well. I mean, that's great news, but then does that mean you have to go for like

continuous progress scans or are they just saying, hey, if you feel discomfort, come back? The thing is though, it's not gone away. So it's kind of just always there. So it can always grow back in size. So there is going to be a monitoring of some degree. The thing is for me is like, I know when it's gotten big, like I can physically feel it through my abdomen. It's a huge lump in my side and it's really, really painful. So I knew that it had gotten worse and I knew that it was big. I could see it in the mornings, this like mound of my ovary.

So I guess like it's a monitoring thing, but in the long run, if it keeps on being something that's just like chronic and comes back and goes away, I'll probably end up getting the cyst removed. But I just wanted to, I mean, obviously there's an update from my side, but more so the volume of you guys who wrote, who have had similar experiences or have had your own experiences of this kind. I just really want to say like, it's not normal to have to put up with this kind of pain. And it's not normal for this to just be something that's like, oh, we'll just

monitor it for forever and you're going to have to deal with the fact that you're in total discomfort every time you ovulate. And so like, please, if you find yourself in a similar situation, just keep pushing. Cause I think unless I had been that person to keep pushing, I would still not have the scans. I still would not have the diagnosis.

And also on top of that, the wait times to get in to have surgery are just so incredibly insane. I'm talking like six, eight, 10, 12 months for some appointments with some specialists. Well, is there anything you can do in terms of like treatment for it? You know, are there any types of lifestyle things you can do or medications? Like what's the go? If there is, no.

no one that I have seen has given me any of that information. The result so far has always just been this, oh, we'll wait and see. We'll wait and see. We'll wait and monitor it. And I guess they look for very specific things when they're looking for things that are way scarier, like cancer, ovarian cancer. Well, just on that, I was just reading today and I briefly told you before, Laura, but Megan Farhey, I might be pronouncing her last name incorrectly. She's from the bold type. She was on the last season of the White Lotus. Most people will know her, but

But she was just talking today about the same thing. She has had an ovary removed because no one believed her. Like she kept going and she's, I'm talking about someone famous, someone with access to the right doctors and money. And she still wasn't listened to, to the point that it ended up having her ovary removed. She had to go to like this really private clinic, pay through the nose to get anyone to listen to her. And now she's, you know,

really, really young, sans an ovary just because of that, because she went for help and everyone said, oh no, it's normal, it's fine, there's nothing to worry about. Meanwhile... I mean, these cases sound very extreme, but like another one of our listeners wrote in and she was having chronic pain where she was like debilitated, was vomiting, was taken into hospital multiple times. Her mum was taking her into emergency and...

Like this is, you know, this is one of our lifers. And it was after the fourth or fifth time that this happened, that they did the proper scans to find out that she had ovary torsion. So it was twisting around, which is like way more common if you have a big, massive ovarian cyst. So it was twisting and then unfurling and it just went completely undiagnosed for so long. And

I guess like, you know, even though all the symptoms were there and they were absolutely classic symptoms of an ovarian torsion, it just was completely missed because as we know, the healthcare system, when it comes to women's pain and women's problems, a lot of it goes undiagnosed, misdiagnosed for a long time. But yeah, I appreciate it so much. Like there were so many messages I received and I haven't had a chance to get back to every single person. So like, know that if you message me, I will, and I will read them and I have been reading them, but

It was definitely a real eye-opener, that's for sure. But also, you know, I'm glad that I have a positive outcome thus far. We're just like waiting to see what happens now. But then you're also in this perpetual cycle of like the wait and see cycle. Keish, I know this is kind of also like really well-timed with the podcast episode that both you and Britt did.

around PCOS, which is something that we've had so many people ask for. Yeah. And in that episode, I mean, initially when we spoke with Dr. Izzy Smith, she's an endocrinologist and she deals with PCOS day in, day out. And she's also become one of my best friends, which is lovely. But it was interesting for me to learn years ago from her that having cystic ovaries, like PCOS is the most silly name for the condition because you do not have to have cystic ovaries. In fact,

you likely will not and having many cysts or enlarged cysts is not normal and in this later episode I actually learned a lot more about that and so it will be coming out in a couple of weeks but yeah essentially it's not normal to have cysts on your ovaries even though we're kind of led to believe that it can happen and like it's quite standard and that kind of thing it's normal to have lots of follicles which Izzy will break down but

but I'm trying to kind of think about how I would react if I were in the same situation as you, Laura, because I think there's a lot of validation that comes when you are finally told this has been going on in your body and you're kind of validated for the pain that you were experiencing or the discomfort or kind of that internal gut feeling of like just something doesn't feel right.

It's a very different conversation if there is a really easy treatment plan for that or if there is a really easy option to be like, oh, cool, here's the medication that I take and then that problem goes away. Like having a diagnosis of this is what is going on, your pain is validated, but you

can't really, we're not really going to do anything about it. It can cause a lot of anxiety and like, it's such a weird headspace to be living in constantly. Totally. And you also have like the biggest fears about like, well, what if it's something worse? Like, obviously you don't want to catastrophize it because like, you know, there's no point in doing that either. But

There's something validating in knowing what's wrong, but there's something totally invalidating in knowing that you have like such a large cyst. Like I don't think that there's any woman out there who if they were told you've got an eight centimeter cyst would think, oh, that's so fine. Like I'm cool with that, whatever. I guess like that's the thing that's been like the most

surprising to me is just how like run of the mill it seems. And I think that that sometimes is what happens with like the healthcare system when it is something that medical professionals do see all the time and it really isn't a big deal to them. But when it's the first time that's happened to you or it's something that you have medical anxiety about, it's

it's really hard to get your head around the fact that like no one's kind of like meeting you with the level of, okay, here's a bit of a solution and here's a bit of a plan as to how we can solve this rather than just wait and see, which always feels super invalidating at the same time. Will it burst or will it not? Who knows? If you have chronic pain and you start vomiting, go straight to emergency.

Well, something that I wanted to talk about that is very topical in my life at the moment, and it is happening right now in Italy. And I did read this article on it a couple of weeks ago, maybe two weeks ago now, and I've been thinking about it a lot, which is why I wanted to talk about it today. So as you guys might have heard, I'm getting married. Shock, surprise. Are you getting married? Yeah, I know. It's crazy. I'm engaged. Did you not hear? The question has come up multiple

multiple times about our last name and it's one of those things I'm so I'm actually quite an indecisive person the big decision that I've been putting off is the last name like what last name do you take I know we've briefly spoken about it in the past on the podcast here and there but

But this article that I read in The Guardian, it's about a politician in Italy named Dario Franceschini. Dario is pushing for this new reform in Italy that he's saying that by default, any child born should have the mother's last name. So he's trying to scrap that maybe

the males are the default for the last name, for the surname. He said that it is a simple thing and also compensation for a centuries-old injustice that has had not only a symbolic value but has been a cultural and social source of gender inequality. Now, obviously, there's another political party here that is fighting him. He's a minority saying that it should default to the women because currently in Italy and many countries around the world, the default surname is the father and obviously,

Only if the father is not in the mother's life or if it's agreed upon between both parents will the surname go to the mother. And now there are some other countries saying...

Or not countries, maybe. I don't want to put that blanket statement. They're definitely not talking about this in parliament in every other country. But there's conversation on, hey, should we be doing this? Mothers are the ones that have carried the baby for nine months. Mothers are the ones that are breastfeeding and keeping the child alive. And in the majority of relationships and situations, mothers are the primary caregiver. Mothers are the ones that are there for their entire life.

Why aren't we defaulting to the mother's surname? Well, I think the thing that I found really interesting in this is like in Italy specifically, if there is a man and woman who are both on the birth certificate, then the default is the man. It doesn't matter whether it's a husband or not a husband. That's the thing, right? So like a lot of people have children outside of wedlock. And so the default surname becomes the dad's surname, which is...

If you are in a relationship where you aren't married, maybe there isn't any sort of like emotional obligation from that man who you had a one night stand with. I mean, there's so many variations of how this could be very traumatic for a woman and

The legal right is for if his name is on the birth certificate that then his surname goes to the child. It's an interesting one for me to unpack a little bit because, you know, even in my relationship with Matt, I knew that I wanted to keep my last name, but I didn't even question the thought about our children taking Matt's last name. And now that, you know, Molly's five and Lola's four,

I don't regret it, but I definitely think back on it. And I question why was I so willing for my last name to be discarded, even though I wanted to keep it for myself? The only thing I can take from that is that there is this deep internal, there's a deep internalized patriarchy that's in all of us where the default is that we just expect that the man's name ends up becoming our children's names.

And for me and in my situation, it's fine because, you know, I'm in a loving relationship and I'm married to Matt and like, you know, it doesn't affect me. But for women who don't have that same relationship dynamic or they aren't able to make those same choices, it is something that can be really, really oppressive or it just means that they don't have the same access or right over their children who they may be doing the majority care for. When I put this up on my Instagram, so I put a video up, a reel up, you can go and look at it if you want.

And there were hundreds of comments and there were hundreds of comments in my DMs as well that were probably a bit more aggressive. But the response was interesting to me because I said, thoughts, did you change your surname? Did you not change your surname? Did you do a double barrel? Like just would love to get a general feel of the landscape.

And a lot of people were nice about it and they gave me their opinions was fine. But the aggressive people that were saying how anti-feminist it is if I take Ben's surname. And then I went away and had to think about that. And I had a real issue with it. And I thought really carefully about it because traditionally taking Ben's

your partner's surname is anti-feminist, I guess, because you are giving up your rights to who you are as a person and anything that identifies you as an individual. But it's different now. And I think the difference is feminism is the fact that we have the choice now. We have the ability to choose if we want to do it.

and why we want to do it and for what reasons I think it's a pretty blanket statement to say if anyone takes their husband's name now and changes a woman changes her name that she's not a feminist I

I think it's a tricky one and I think you're erring into dangerous territory with it because there is a lot of conversation around choice feminism. It's a very privileged place to be in, to be able to choose to take your partner's name voluntarily. And that is not a choice that a lot of women have the access or the ability to make because it's forced upon them. So I think that that version is very specific to a specific type of woman who lives in a specific place.

And that's why I think it makes people still so angry because it's like, well, you had the opportunity to choose. It's like people choosing to be a trad wife or people choosing, you know, any version of a traditional lifestyle that does lean into this idea of patriarchy. It's because some people have the opportunity of choice that makes it choice feminism. So I guess for me,

I don't look at it like if I had taken Matt's last name or I hadn't taken Matt's last name, like I don't look at it as though it wasn't my choice to do so. I guess my question that I come back to when I ask myself is, is why was I so voluntarily free to give up my last name? And I didn't even question or I didn't even think about my kids having my last name. And it's because

it's not the standard. And it's because I guess part of me was like, well, how would his family react if I put forward the idea of the kids being Marley and Lola Byrne? How would he react if I put forward the idea of the kids being Lola and Marley Byrne? Like I understand he was very, very cool with me keeping my last name,

I don't know if there would be a lot of men out there who would be cool with you keeping your last name, but also you asking for your children to have your last name because the pendulum will swing so far in the opposite direction that I think that for a lot of men that there's this like real emasculating sense that comes with it. But all of that is just so deeply steeped in tradition.

I actually have a friend. My friend's name is Sam. His wife's name is Tina. And they had a baby just over a year ago now. And they decided to give the baby her last name. And most interestingly to me, it was his idea. And so when we were kind of talking about this, I actually asked him to send me a voice note of what the reasons for that were. And this is what he had to say.

So there are a few reasons why we decided to give my son Tina's surname. The first was that hyphenating didn't really work. Tina's surname is already hyphenated and combining the two of ours and giving him that would mean we'd both have to change our surnames. We wanted him to have the same surname as one of us at least. So we didn't go that route.

The other reason was she gave birth to him. I strongly believe that that's a big freaking deal. And it's crazy that the people who give birth to children don't automatically give the kid their surname. That seems pretty straightforward to me. Another sort of technical point was my wife has more siblings and so they're going to have kids. I only have my sister and her kid is probably not going to have my family's surname and

When I was growing up, all my cousins didn't have my surname and there was a connection piece there for me. So I wanted my son to feel connected to some cousins with the same surname, if possible. The other reason was as a father of a son, you think a lot about how am I going to raise this person in a patriarchal world to respect women? And there's a lot of things we can be doing. I think there's a lot of one percenters.

giving him his mother's surname means he's not coming into the world with that really subconscious ingrained oh you were given the father's surname because that's just the way things are because men own everything so I wanted to sort of counter that slightly

To Sam's point in that conversation, you know, one thing that I don't think I had really considered until I heard him speak about it is this idea of like your cousins and your familiar relations. Because even growing up myself, like I was the only, my sister and I with the last name Burns, we were the only one. And my last name is Bird, not Burns. That was weird. I was just like, have I been?

Getting it wrong this whole time? I was like, who am I? With the last name Bern. We were the only people in our cousin group, like of all of our extended family that didn't have the last name, the Italian last name, Philippi. And I feel like I felt my entire life very not Italian because my last name is Irish and

And the reality is, is like all my cousins are also second generation Italians here. Like, you know, my grandparents immigrated. We all had that same link, but they are so much closer to that side of my family because they share that last name. But another example of this, and I think the reason why I also like, I really do think that

It has to be men at the forefront who want this change and who are accepting of this change in order for it to ever, ever happen and for there to be that swing from the patriarchal to the matriarchal. But that's because, so my mum married my stepdad. She took on the last name and she had my brother and his dad left when he was a newborn. His dad has not been in the picture his entire life.

It is far more statistically common for a father to leave than for a mother to leave. And so then you have a situation in a family where a child doesn't have the last name of everybody else in that family or doesn't have the last name of the mum because potentially they were never married in the first place either. So then there's this family disconnect there as well. And I guess like we put so much emphasis on being a family unit, but in order to be a family unit, the expectation is as a woman that we abandon everything

our names and take on, you know, our partner's names. And, and I just, you know, I'm not saying obviously it's so still the norm and it's so still the tradition. I'm not criticizing anyone who chooses to take on their partner's name or who chooses to name their children after their partner's name. Like Britt, know that that's not a criticism of whatever you choose to do as well. I think it's just interesting to think about it. It's interesting to think about the why and

And when I reflect on myself, I didn't think about it at all. It was just a very obvious expectation. And it's only now so many years down the track and, you know, when we talk about having a third baby, I'm like, well, obviously that third baby will have the last name Johnson. And that's, you know, it's okay. It's something that we've kind of accepted. But also like there was just never a conversation. It was always just an expectation. I think that that's what happens in most families. Yeah, and to be clear, I don't have a problem with,

with anyone doing anything. Like if you want to keep your surname, I think that's amazing. If you want to double barrel it, great. If you want to take your partner's name, I also think that is great. I just think it's the ability of having the choice. And of course, we are very blessed to live the life that we do, that we do have the choice. We do have the choice of

not being forced into a marriage and forced to take someone's name. And I can't speak for everyone, obviously, and I don't want to do blanket statements. So I just, I do want to really drive that home that I am speaking. When I say people are really angry saying that I wasn't a feminist,

I am speaking about my position, my position that I do have the option to choose and the luxury to choose. And I feel very grateful to be in that position. But I don't think that you choosing to take your partner's surname means you're not a feminist. And I do think it comes down to whatever your personal reasons are, because there did start to be a bit of back and forth on my reel as well of people like sort of arguing with each other, the people that were pro taking a name and the people that were against it. And I just found it a really interesting discussion because

At the end of the day, when it comes down to your reason, so maybe people don't have an attachment to their surname at all. Maybe it's the man or the woman that doesn't have the attachment to their surname. A lot of people actually detest their surname for whatever reasons. Maybe that their father left, like you said, Laura, when they're a child. Maybe it's just the fact that you want to share your surname with your entire family and your children for whatever reason.

For me, I'm still on the fence. I don't know what I'm going to do. I like my surname and my surname for me is part of my brand, I guess. And I hate to say that, but when you're public facing, for example, like the podcast and the radio, you are known in media by a name and it takes you a long time to build up that name to all of a sudden change it would feel like I'm taking away something from myself. Um,

Having said that, I want the same name as Ben and my children. So it's a discussion that we're having at the moment on what it's going to look like. I have also said to him, will you take my name? And he feels the same way. He's like, I'm not against it, but maybe if I hadn't worked so hard to have my name as a footballer and in my career, you know, I probably easily would change it. But we feel the same way. And I think what we might end up doing is...

maybe I will change it privately. I shouldn't say privately, but like officially on the documents, if we have children, we'll all have the same name, but I'll probably just keep my name publicly as it's like, I'll always be Brittany Hockley. Britt, in that instance though, when you say that, if you were to say, okay, I'm going to keep my own name, but I'd also like our kids to have the last name Hockley, what do you think would be Ben's reaction to that? Because

Because this is not to be a criticism of him. I think that most men would find that a really hard thing to palette. And I think it's just because it's so deeply entrenched in what is the expectation. I think if I was really adamant, Ben is a really good listener and he's really forward with his thinking when I say that.

his dad wasn't around. He was raised by women, like he was raised by, except for his grandpa. His grandpa and his grandma basically raised him alongside his mum and his sister. So he was surrounded by women. I think if I was absolutely

adamant that I was keeping my name and I wanted my kids to have our name. I do wonder if he would change it because I think he would probably, it'd be more important to him to have that family unit. But having said that, we haven't had that conversation. I haven't said if I want the kids to have Hockley, what would we do? But then for me as well, and this is what it goes back to when you talk about what suits your situation and your relationship,

I have two brothers. We have so many nieces and nephews and they have boys. So the Hockley name has been passed on. So that is something to think about. Whereas for Ben, there's no one else in the family that would pass on Sigris. So that's another thing that we have to talk about as a couple and see what's important to each other.

I feel like that there's been a lot of changes probably in the last five or six years around this. Like there are more and more public figures who are coming out who are taking their partners, like as in like the male is taking the woman's last name. However, and it happened back in 2017. So a friend of mine who he was a producer on The Bachelor, his name is Grant Davis and he is married to Jade Phillips.

He changed his last name to Phillips and there are a few reasons why he did that. He said the many reasons that led to this. First of all, her surname dies with her as she is one of two girls and has no cousins. Secondly, my connection with my own extended family hasn't been strong for some time. So for my wife to be forced to take my surname because that's what tradition dictates felt a little bit redundant as I didn't even have a connection with my name.

Now, at the time, like I said, it was 2017. So it was more unusual for a man to give up voluntarily their last name and take on their wife's surname. And this made news. And there was quite a few news articles and Grant did quite a few interviews around this.

I will never forget the absolute torrent of abuse that he received off the back of it from so many men online who had such fucking fragile egos around their masculinity. He received death threats. And I think that the backlash was completely shocking to him. I think obviously he realized that it was going to be controversial for some people, but the volume of

of hate that was received because he took his wife's last name, this feeling and overwhelming sense that like he'd given up his masculinity, that he was no longer a man because he would taken his wife's surname. And to think that that happened in 2017. Now I know that there have been some changes and obviously it's becoming slightly more common, but I would dare say that that response would still happen today if it was very public because

in our friendship groups potentially, if you're listening to this and you have progressive friends, this wouldn't be the case, but that is not the vast majority of the population. And I think that's the problem is you can look at this stuff in a silo and go, oh, well, I have the choice and this wouldn't happen. But the reality is for so many people and based on so many people's opinions and when something goes out into the internet where you're not just

speaking to your own choir, you're speaking to everyone, it becomes extremely evident just how toxic it is when it comes to these conversations around whether you should retain your name, whether you should name your children after your birth name or whether they get the father's birthday.

All right. Well, look, it is time for Accidentally Unfiltered. And guys, you might remember this. The other week I was talking about the Bondi store opening for Tony May and how I met this amazing American listener who had been like one of our listeners from overseas. And it was like this very serendipitous timing. So she has been a listener for like the last four or five years. OG.

has moved to Bondi, has only been living here for a couple of weeks. She walked past the store at the very same time. And when I met her, I was like, you need to come back in an hour because Brit's going to be here. And then we can, it'll be like a little life on cut reunion. I was like, come down, please come and meet her. Come and have a wine with us.

And she never came back. She never contacted us again. So offended that she didn't want to meet me. She only wanted to meet you. No, it wasn't that. It was like so weird because I was so excited. We always say that if you guys ever see us, like please come and talk to us because it makes our day way more than it makes your day. And so I was genuinely kind of expecting that she might come back down and, you know, we could all like have a drink.

and we got this message from her the other day. It came through as an axling unfiltered, and I just thought it was literally the most life-on-cut thing I've ever read in my entire fucking life. It said, hi, I have a confession, and even if this doesn't make it on the pod, I feel like you guys are going to get a laugh out of it. So the other day I walked past Tony Mays' Bondi opening, and I said hi to Laura. I am a huge fan, American, and have been listening to the pod for years. So I was like, when I read that, I was like, ding, ding, ding, I know exactly who it is. Yeah.

Laura said, come back in an hour to meet Brit. And listen, usually nothing would stand in my way of meeting my legit celeb crushes. I mean, that's definitely not, we are not that, but like, fine, I'll take it. And hearing Brit's laugh in real time. Sadly, I had learned 20 minutes prior to meeting Laura that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up antibiotics and tell the boy that I was seeing that I'd given him the clap. So sorry, Brit, the clap won out on this occasion. What?

for another hour. Whether he's got the clap for an hour more or not, like it's fine. He probably gave it to you. Maybe not. Who cares? She had the opportunity to do this as like a cameo. She could have got you guys to record the video that she sent to him to say, hey, by the way. Oh my God. Could you imagine? It's just a tablet. There's nothing. There's no shame. I love that. Firstly, I love that I met you and I'm not going to say your name on the pod, but I'm so glad that like you came and said hi. And secondly, I just love

that there is, we have fostered a community where you feel so fine with messaging us and telling us that this is where you're at in life because there's no shame. Well, cute, Laura. I'm glad that you feel that way because I feel pretty shitty about being bummed for the clap.

I feel like in the line of priority, I should have come above the clap. But like good for you for telling him. So like, thank you for being there. Good for you because you did the right thing. You're a responsible citizen and we really appreciate that. All right. Well, look, time for Suck and Sweet. Before we leave you, Brittany, what is your suck for the week? This is going to be the easiest Suck and Sweet I've ever done. Suck is...

I mean, it's pretty great. So my suck is just the weather. I really wanted some sunshine in Italy, but it's rain. So that's what I'm saying. Sweet is I'm with Ben. So it doesn't matter what happens, if he's here or not, what we do, whether it's raining or a thunderstorm, that's my sweet that I get to spend a couple of weeks with him. He's technically at least in the same country, which is like a lot closer to what he usually is. I love that you've traveled all the way there and then he's not actually there. So like, good for him. I know.

What's your suck? Okay, my suck for the week is that my kids are not sleeping. I don't know why. I don't know what's happened. I think it's the change of time zone. But something has shifted and I am a 5am wake up galley now with these kids. They're awake every morning and they're also not going to bed till late. So it's just like they're not catching up. They're sleep deprived. They're angry. And that means everybody is feeling it. So that's my suck. My sweet for the week is...

that we are on holidays and I've really felt as though, and I know I kind of say this every couple of months, I feel like I come around in circles on it, but like

I do feel like the last couple of weeks and months, I haven't had the type of quality family time that I've been absolutely craving. I also, you know, we spoke about on the pod, I think it was last week about missing really important milestone moments with kids. And when you're having to juggle the work and the work side of things, and then you have to juggle motherhood alongside that. I think it's,

It's really, really hard. And for me, like the suite is really just being able to have the next week and a half off to do nothing but spend time with my kids. Lola's not in daycare. Molly's obviously on school holidays. It's the first time we've ever done school holidays with Molly in kindergarten. And when they kind of understood that they get 14 days of just mum and dad and no interruptions, like that's,

the happiness on their faces was honestly just the best thing ever. So I'm, I feel really grateful for these next two weeks and guys, we will be back very, very shortly. We're having a, you know, it's a short break, but we are back in like a week and a half and we have big episodes and we have some big news. So that's all happening very, very soon.

Yeah, don't forget the big news when we come back. Breadcrumbing the shit out of you. You will not want to miss our episodes when we come back. We have some big news to share. But that is it from us, guys. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and check back in for the big news because we love love. We love love. We love love.