Jocko Underground: The Challenges In Life Can Be Hard. Very Hard. How To Strategize.
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- This is the Jocko Underground podcast number 169. Sitting here with Echo Charles, looking to provide some options, some courses of actions and some answers for troopers out there with questions. - Life's obstacles. - They come.

All right. First question. Jocko, I'm looking for advice on how to cope with the challenges of having a child with special needs. My wife and I have three kids. The oldest, 12, has special needs that will require a lifetime of care. Our reality is different from most, and I accept that.

but I'm having a hard time with the long, challenging days that for us will likely never end. There is no finish line. I carry the additional burden of ensuring there is enough money for the child when my wife and I are gone.

I've taken the necessary steps to make sure this happens, but maintaining this pace is hard. I've always welcomed hard work. I've excelled at work, gone back to grad school twice, done an Ironman, an ultra marathon, a competitive jiu-jitsu athlete, recently got my black belt last year. I lift three to four days a week, nine years in Muay Thai, and the list goes on. I know I'm mentally tough, but these long days turn into long months and just don't end.

As friends of ours see their kids getting older and life becoming easier, they are able to go on vacation, go to dinner, golf, go to concerts, etc. We don't have great help with our oldest. One of us needs to be home near full time, so we haven't had a vacation in 10 years. Very few dinners out, and I try to tell myself I'm fine. I'm built for this.

What would break others is a normal day for me. And although this is true, I find days or weeks where things feel bleak and I'm not sure how to power through. I need to be strong for my wife and kids and continue excelling at work to provide for my family so my wife can stay home with our daughter. But with every passing year, it gets tougher. If you have any advice on how to continue to thrive while knowing there is no end in sight, I'd appreciate it. So...

One thing I think is the way that you are framing this, you say that there's no end in sight, no finish line. And while that's accurate from one perspective, I think you can actually make one. And so to me, I think the goal you have to set up is a manageable situation in the future where you can get some level of support

Meaning that in the future, you've got to figure out a way to set up a situation where you will have more flexibility in your life and your wife's life. And I think just as an example, what that means is I think at some point you're going to need to hire someone to help you. And right now, and that doesn't mean that in the future that you're going to not be around for your child.

You're always going to be responsible for that. You're always going to be responsible for caring for your child. But I think coming up with a plan that creates some level of separation for your special needs daughter, I think that that's not only okay, I think it's actually necessary. I have a friend that is in the exact same situation that you are. He has a child who...

Will always need to be cared for for for for their entire life and the way he's setting up his situation is you know, his plan is to set up a Separate living quarters for his special needs child, you know attached to his house but like there is a an element of separation and he's

Getting himself set financially to be able to afford a decent amount of care in you know at at the location During now and then the future permanently obviously after the parents die or after he and his wife died So that's the long-term plan so you I think you need to come up with that strategic goal that you are going to set something up where you have

a decent amount of permanent help to help you care for your daughter. And I think you, I think it would be healthy for you and her. And I, again, I don't know anything about her situation.

But I mean, even, even the fact that you indicate that at 12 years old, one of you needs to be home near full time, which means that even right now at age 12, you don't need to be home full, full time. Right? So I don't know if that means you can leave for a half an hour to go to the store and she's okay, but that is something. And maybe that can grow over time, but my buddy is planning financially for the, for, uh, a

semi-separate quarters where there can be some level of separation and and then people in the future that can help permanently and people currently that you can find that can help you part-time Meaning giving you some time to go out on a date with your wife, which you need to do and by the way, you know I just I just was talking to some construction people and the construction people

Sometimes like overwhelmed with stress jobs really hard and how you know how do we deal with someone when someone is like breaking down and burnt out and It's like well, you got to pull them off the line and you got to give them you got to give them a break and Of course everyone's reactions like well, I can't pull someone off the line Here's the thing if you pull someone off the line and you give them a legitimate break when they are burnt out that when they come back

You know, you give them half day on Friday. Hey, dude, take the afternoon off. I'll cover for you or whatever. We'll we'll hold off on that job. We'll work hard this morning. We'll get you out here by lunch or don't come in on Monday, whatever that little extra break that you give them. They are recharged. They are recharged just like freaking doing. You know, you go you bench press to failure. Take a break. Take a rest. You can do more.

You can't keep going. You can do zero more. But if you get the weight off your chest and now you go, okay, I'm going to rest for three minutes. You can do more. Your performance will go up. So the same thing happens with construction workers, with finance, with anybody, with combat, it happens. So as a dad and a mom, you taking a break to go out for dinner. And yes, hopefully you find you get some people where,

you Have like a bench of people that can actually care for your daughter and you can go away for a weekend or you can go and spend a night in a hotel and wine and dine your wife and your daughter will be taken care of and introduced by someone new and get you know interact with a different type of Human than you are and learn to cope a little bit better on her own and like all these things are gonna be positive and

And that's what I think you need to do. You probably have some level of guilt that you are, you know, I need to be there all the time. Me and my wife need to be there all the time. I don't think you need to feel that. I really don't. And it's the same with any kid. It's the same thing with any kid. You know, you can feel like I need to be there. I need to be there. I need to be there. You're inhibiting the kid. And in this case, you're not only inhibiting the kid,

You're inhibiting yourself as a parent, as a human, as a mom, as a dad, because you are going to get burnt out. And what I'm reading here, dude, you're a stud, but you're writing this question because you're starting to feel a slow burn of burnout. That's what this is. You need to recharge your batteries, just like happens to guys in combat. You need to figure out a way to take a break and...

come up with a long-term plan of how this can be a life that you can contend with. You know, we were just talking on the last podcast with Cappy and the way that the Ukrainian soldiers are now been in combat for three years, but they're getting time off the line. Unlike World War I, where you see guys broken mentally from that,

Well, what's happening right now, horrific fighting in trenches, but they're doing it for eight days at a stretch. They're doing it for four days at a stretch. And then they're getting relief. So you've been going at this for 12 straight years. This is very difficult to sustain. It might even be unsustainable. You know, I think you could sustain it because you're a stud, but it's not optimal. You won't be an optimal dad. By the way, you've got two other kids. You won't be an optimal dad for them. You won't be an optimal husband.

So you got to figure out a way to get some breaks. And you know, some of that will come when your younger kids get a little bit older, they can babysit and all that stuff. They can take care of their older sister, but you got to, that stuff you got to figure out. So you're working hard. You got to make some money. Obviously you got to save money. You got to be very disciplined with your finances now so that you can get yourself some relief in the future.

This is all about sacrifice now for a better situation in the future. And look, you clearly you're a strong person. You can't just be strong. You can't just be tough. That is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen.

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