My Dad Is George Lopez. We Healed Our Relationship With a Sitcom.
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From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Every week, we bring you stories and conversations inspired by the Modern Love column. We talk about love, lust, heartbreak, and all the messiness of relationships. And today, I'm talking to actress and television writer Mayan Lopez. ♪

Most of Mayan's life has happened on TV. Her dad is the comedian, George Lopez, and when Mayan was a kid, he had a sitcom based on their family. George played the goofy TV dad. You lost every privilege except breathing. You're never leaving this house. I have to go to school. Not anymore! We're homeschooling you from now on. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know.

Then, Mayan's parents went through a very messy, very public divorce. Another family might have been permanently shattered. But more than a decade later, Mayan and her dad came back together to turn their family drama into the thing they know best, a sitcom. Trauma number one, the time nobody showed up to drive me home and I was left at Ross for five hours. Trauma number two,

On the show, called Lopez vs. Lopez, they explore their father-daughter relationship, but from a safe emotional distance and with lots of jokes to keep it light. I never told you this, but I'm so happy that I dug you out of the lost and found at Walmart 35 years ago. Today, I talk with Mayan about the real, unfiltered story behind Lopez vs. Lopez. And she tells me how, long after their infamous divorce, her parents' relationship took an unexpected turn.

Plus, Mayan shares a modern love essay with an unexpected turn of its own. Stay with us. Build the retirement you want with actionable insights from T. Rowe Price. On the award-winning Confident Conversations on Retirement podcast, T. Rowe Price uses the power of curiosity to explore topics like how the psychology of money influences financial behaviors, how to maximize savings through retirement, and

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Mayan Lopez, welcome to Modern Love. Oh, thank you so much, Anna, for having me. I'm very excited to be here. So can we talk about the story behind the show that's incredibly meta, is it not?

Oh, yeah. I think, you know, what's so funny is that I even stumped my psychiatrist the other day. No. Because he was like, I have never worked with someone in 40 years of psychiatry that goes to work with the person that traumatized her playing a version of herself.

And a version of her father almost reenacting, you know, a fictionalized version of their relationship. See, that's a Russian doll. That's really a Russian doll. It's funny because...

I always joke that I personally have like a master's degree in my parents' divorce because I've just talked about it so much. Well, I definitely want to hear more about that degree. But first, take me back to the pre-divorce days in your family. What was your dynamic? I mean, obviously your dad is a comedian. Was there a lot of humor in the house?

Oh, constantly. You know, my mother is hilarious in her own right, very differently than my dad. And, you know, I think being raised by a stand-up comedian is a very interesting and definitely unique childhood because...

We would communicate through humor. Like we used to do little bits as a family. If we saw like a woman going down with heels down the street, we would always do like, like we would, you know, do little sound effects to things like that.

But also very similar to the story that I'm going to be reading later, there was no conscious problems in the family. My parents were affectionate with one another, and I didn't see problems. Were there moments where you really remember seeing that love between them? Um...

Yeah, I think, you know, my mom was just always so incredibly supportive of him. My mother donated a kidney to my dad. How old were you when that happened? I was eight years old. Eight. Gotcha. And I think almost at that age...

I didn't really understand that both my parents were going to be going into surgery and how big it was. They actually wrote and illustrated a little book for me where there were stick figures and they drew a little kidney and they were like, catch, mommy's going to give daddy a throwing a kidney. And it went successfully. It was actually a miracle because it was a one in three million book.

chance that they were going to be a match, let alone 100% match, which is what they ended up being. You know, it's a gift. And it's the greatest, biggest gift I think you could give someone is the gift of life. And my mom says that if anything, if that was the purpose of their marriage,

you know, she would do it over again. So that was also a part of the divorce that made it harder because, you know, still, still in 2024, I'll get things where your mom should have kept the kidney or gotten the kidney back in the divorce. But it was her husband. It was the father of her child. She was, you know, of course she would want to.

Yeah. I mean, I want to talk a little bit more about the divorce and your experience of it. Can you tell me what happened? Basically, my dad was cheating on my mom with prostitutes for three years. And one of those women, I'll never read the article, but it was in the National Enquirer and leaked text messages. It was everywhere.

And I had no idea. And... That is so, so, so hard. It was... The rug got pulled from under me. You know, as kids are perceptive, parents maybe like to think that they are hiding things and that the kids don't sense that energy, but you do. But when the article broke, it was...

you know, the floodgates kind of opened. I remember that day specifically because my mom was upstairs the entire day and I could feel that something was wrong. But I came home from school, I did my homework, and then later that night,

I went into the living room and my therapist was on one couch and my two parents were on the other. And they told me to sit down. And, you know, my mom said that we are getting a divorce. And then to my dad, he's like, you had to tell her the reason why. And I completely blacked out.

From just the rush of emotions. And in my head, it's so interesting because I remember I was convinced that I was cussing him out. I was calling him every name in the book. And then years later, I was talking about it, that moment with my mom. And, you know, I was calling him every name in the book, right? And my mom goes, that's not what happened. And I go, what? She's like, no, you screamed. You just ended up, you were just screaming. Right.

And it was just like, oh my gosh, you know, it was interesting what the brain does to protect itself. Mine, I mean, I really appreciate you being so open about that. I'm so moved by what you're saying that you basically completely shut down and don't even have a memory of that experience.

That moment when you come down, I mean, what a scene. Your therapist on one couch, your parents on the other. Can you tell me about what your relationship was like with him and with your mom after this divorce? Did you split time between their houses? Were you in contact with him? It sounds like no.

Um, my father and I were estranged for, you know, many years after that because my dad just kind of left. And I couldn't be in the same room with him when I tried without just bursting into tears. Because I felt in a different way than my mother, but I equally felt like I got cheated on and that I got betrayed and abused.

At one point, it just got very difficult. My dad would send me flowers every week. Every week? Yeah, but he wouldn't call and wouldn't text me. And at one point, I did tell him to stop sending me flowers because I said to him, I don't want flowers. I want my dad. It got to a point where

It was so draining, and I was trying to heal. And if this person is not adding to my life, I had to cut him out. And how old were you when you made that choice to completely cut him off? I was 16. So it was a year after? Yeah. Wow. I was struggling with trying to forgive him. It took a long time. Yeah.

My dad and I haven't had an easy relationship, and it's still our own. Even with working together, it's gotten better, and we're in a really good place. But it's still, you know, not the relationship sometimes that I wish I had, but I'm happy with what is. And we have a very deep relationship that's really beautiful at times.

After the break, Mayan talks about her parents' reconciliation and reads an essay from someone who also watched their parents come back together after a difficult split.

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The modern love essay Mayan picked to read is called The Original Conscious Uncouplers by Cole Kasdan. Like Mayan, Cole's parents divorced when she was a teenager. And like Mayan, Cole never thought she'd see her parents in the same room again. But then, things changed. The Original Conscious Uncouplers by Cole Kasdan.

My parents were consciously uncoupling before conscious uncoupling was a thing. And they didn't wait to be divorced to do it. Throughout their 21-year marriage, they never fought, at least not in front of my sister and me. Our home felt safe and stable. Yet, as a child, I never saw romance or affection between them other than a peck on the lips when my father came home from work. I never saw my dad come up behind my mom while she was making dinner.

He wouldn't wrap his arms around her, wouldn't kiss her on the neck. They were more like friends raising two children together. They loved being parents and were great at it. My mother spent hours reading to me, singing, indulging my make-believe games. After work, my father and I watched Star Trek together. My parents announced their divorce calmly during our first and only family meeting.

I was 14 and felt as if I had been punched in the face. There had been none of the clues leading up to it that my friends had described before their parents' divorces. No screaming or dishes being thrown. Everything was quiet. My parents said they loved my sister and me very much and that this wasn't our fault. Later, when I grilled them separately, asking, why?

They each told me they never gave enough time to their relationship, that it was always all about the family. "So this is our fault," I said. "No, no," they assured me. They loved my sister and me and loved being parents. A brief reconciliation got my hopes up and then developed into something even more painful. My mother sleeping on the couch in the den, trying to quiet her cries,

which still traveled through the walls in our small house. After the divorce, the real fighting started. The slamming of phone receivers, the going outside to talk, the arguments over who got the kids for which holiday. I never understood why they got divorced, but once they were finally apart, I started to wonder how they even got married in the first place.

On her own, my mom blossomed. She bought a tiny house in a not-so-great neighborhood and fixed it up. My father started dating. When I asked my mom if she could see herself dating, she said, I'm really just enjoying my independence right now. They still talked on matters relating to us kids, but that was it.

They didn't seem to like each other anymore. I loved my parents, but I hated coming home and going back and forth to see them. Doing math to make sure everyone was getting equal time. Church with my mom, then lunch with my dad. Two Thanksgivings on successive days. I was always in tears during the 20-minute car rides between houses.

As an adult, in my own relationships with men, I avoided confrontation. My motto was, as long as no one talks about anything difficult, everything will be okay. I dated my best friends, and at the first sign of tension or disagreement, we would break up. My longest relationship was with a man I dated for five years, breaking up and getting back together three or four times over the course of the relationship. Every time we got into a fight, this was all I knew.

The first time my future husband, Hugh, and I got into a fight, I assumed that was the end. "I'll just get my things," I said. "I can't believe we're breaking up." "What are you talking about?" Hugh said, looking confused. "We're just having a fight." It didn't compute, but he was right. We calmed down and talked about it. We still thought the other person was a little bit wrong, but we made up, made out, had dinner, and watched TV.

By bedtime, we had a deeper understanding of the other person's point of view. I felt as if I were learning a foreign language. When Hugh proposed, my first thought was, yes. My second thought was, how will my parents be in the same room for the wedding? Will my dad bring his girlfriend? Will we be able to turn their glares and tense moments into a drinking game? Would we be better off eloping so we just wouldn't have to deal with the family? We wanted a wedding.

We loved our families and wanted them to be there. We decided to get married at the tiny cabin Hugh owned in the San Gabriel Mountains of California. The cabin was one room with a Murphy bed. If the bed was up, the room could fit 10 people around a rented table. Immediate family only. One of Hugh's best friends got deputized to perform the ceremony. All I asked my parents was, please be nice to each other.

Out of respect, I told my dad he should feel welcome to bring his girlfriend, and thankfully he said no. Everyone flew out to California. My dad took us all out to dinner the night before at the lodge down the road. Everyone was so happy. Walking down the dirt road in Converse sneakers from the car to the cabin, I gathered my wedding dress in my left hand so it wouldn't touch the ground and held my high heels in my right.

My parents, however, lingered by the car. I couldn't see them, but I heard giggling. I called out, "What the... you guys! Can we go?" And then I saw them coming toward us. My mom laughing, my dad holding her elbow for support. My parents sat next to each other at dinner. My dad refilled my mom's wine glass. We were all laughing and sometimes crying, good crying, and hugging each other.

Something was happening. After the wedding, my dad broke up with his girlfriend, and soon after, he and my mom went into the city to go to a museum together. A week or so later, they went to dinner at a local Italian restaurant. They went again. It became their Sunday tradition. My parents now talk on the phone several times a day. They say we instead of I, and they say we instead of I.

My dad buys my mom gifts for no reason at all. He recently sent her a dozen lavender roses, her favorite color, because she was stressed waiting for the plumber to come fix her kitchen faucet. "'Are you guys dating?' I asked my mom after the roses incident. I ask her this about once a month. She always has the same reply. "'It's platonic. We care about each other very deeply, and we enjoy each other's company. We're family.'"

I don't know what the future holds. I don't think sharing a bed would necessarily be better or worse than what they already have.

They have the most caring, thoughtful, and fun relationship anyone could ask for. They have become consciously coupled. That was so nice, Mayan. Thank you so much. You know, at the end of this essay, Cole Kasdan's family has come together in this different and new way that works for them.

And you had an experience in your own life that's pretty similar to this, right? Can you tell me about how your parents started hanging out together again? I mean, COVID changed everything. Because as my dad was, you know, immunocompromised with the kidney, I have to also say it, like, my mom loves my dad. And so during that time, my dad would come to our house and... During the pandemic, like during lockdown. Yeah, because I lived with my mom at the time. I had just finished college.

And, um, what was so funny is that they, they have history together still, you know, they spent all those years together. Those don't go away. And I would be sitting there, you know, my mom would try to pop a zit on my dad's nose, you know, and then push away. Um,

And I think, like Cole, I never thought I'd see my parents in the same room together. When they have those little moments, I see a glimmer of their why. I see their why. And to see that is a—I'm going to cry—to kind of see that. And I don't take those moments for granted because it's still, for me, you know, healing to—

know that love is still there. Yeah. I mean, that must have been remarkable to see, especially after all you went through as a family. Now that the three of you aren't forced together by COVID, I know you and your dad see each other on set, but like, do the three of you still spend time together?

Yeah, there was an episode in the first season that's based... I take stories from my real life, and I really do put them into the show. So my parents, similarly to Cole, I never thought I would have a holiday with them. But I always wanted that. And so we wrote an episode around that where my character gets her parents together, and they have Christmas together. And I saw myself that week...

I got so jealous. I was getting so jealous of my character. And after that episode, I think, you know, playing out these scenarios, the very meta nature, you play out that it's okay and that, oh, it wasn't so bad. And I think for my dad, having, they're like, oh, yeah. And so after that taping, my mom, my dad, and I went into his dressing room. He's like, why don't we have Christmas together this year?

You know, like why? Yeah, I think we could. And we did. I want to end by asking you a pretty big question, which is what does family mean to you right now? I think it's almost it's a tether. The triangle exists.

Because there used to be, I'm very visual, like there just used to be individual just dots that, you know, we used to just exist as three separate individuals. Or it was just me and my mom and my dad was nowhere to be seen. And the fact that there's even a shape, and if it works, it works. But the fact that there can be a shape and it can form, that means everything. And that we may not be a family all the time.

And, you know, we have a group text that I have to search for it, maybe. It's like far down in the phone. You're scrolling, scrolling. But the fact that there is one, it's a support. Can you tell me, like, the last thing you remember talking about in that group text? I think... Oh, I remember. We were all in my dad's dressing room. And...

I took pictures of my dad having his arm around my mom and giving her a kiss on the head. And I took a picture of that. And then, you know, my dad was like, let's take a selfie. You know, we're having a good conversation. We're catching up. We're joking. And...

We sent those pictures together in the group text. Not the photo of the three, the triangle. Yeah, the triangle. Not the selfie of the triangle in the group text. My God. And those are our family photos. Those are your family photos. Mayan Lopez, thank you so much for this conversation. I really appreciate it. No, thank you, Anna. If you want to read Cole Kasdan's Modern Love essay, look for the link in our show notes.

Modern Love is produced by Riva Goldberg, Davis Land, Emily Lang, and Amy Pearl. It's edited by Lynn Levy and our executive producer, Jen Poyant. Production management by Christina Jose. The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music by Alicia Baitup, Sonia Herrero, Marion Lozano, Dan Powell, and Rowan Nemistow. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez. Studio support from Maddie Macielo and Nick Pittman.

Digital production by Mahima Chablani and Nell Golokli. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you want to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.