Joel finds bad dates intriguing because they reveal the vulnerability and effort people put into connecting with strangers. He sees dating as a form of theater where people perform and try to see beyond the layers of initial impressions.
Joel's worst date was a hookup in New York City when he was 20. He went to a man's house who was in an open marriage, only to be told they had to hook up in the living room because the man's husband, who was a racist, was home.
Joel suggests a gradual process where you balance revealing positive aspects of yourself with the less flattering ones. He recommends a 'three for them, one for me' approach, where you slowly unveil more of your true self as the relationship progresses.
The second date went poorly because the man was obsessed with ChatGPT and fasting, and he made insensitive comments about women's weight loss. He also refused to believe that men and women lose weight differently, even after being corrected by ChatGPT.
Joel learned that people who are passionate about something, like scuba diving, often love to talk about it endlessly. He also noted that the woman could have interjected with her own expertise to test how the man would react, though he acknowledged it shouldn't be her responsibility.
She learned to trust her instincts. Despite loving Mariah Carey, she realized she should have stayed home and avoided a date with someone she knew was not a good match. The experience was traumatic and reinforced the importance of listening to her gut.
Joel advises protecting your peace and trusting your gut. He emphasizes the importance of knowing what you're looking for in a partner and not forcing relationships that don't fit. He also suggests having a clear list of qualities you want in a partner to make dating more intentional.
It felt as if the dating world hit a breaking point this year. With news headlines like “Is Dating a Total Nightmare for You Right Now?)” and “Why the Young and the Single Can’t Commit to Dating Apps)” appearing frequently, it became clear that there was a lot of pent up frustration.
We gave you all the opportunity to let it out, and asked you to send in voice memos about your worst dates. We enlisted the help of the actor Joel Kim Booster, who hosts the podcast Bad Dates), to turn your worst dates into tidbits of wisdom for a brand-new year of dating in 2025.
Here’s how to submit a Modern Love Essay to The New York Times.)
Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story.)
Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts) or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.