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cover of episode You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

2025/4/23
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Modern Love
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KC Davis
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KC Davis: 我认为人们普遍误解了界限的含义。界限不是用来限制他人的行为，而是对自身和他人界限的内部认知。它关乎情感、责任和行为的界限，以及对自身和他人责任的理解。建立界限更像是一种调节自身情绪反应的机制，而不是设置一道不可逾越的墙。在处理人际关系问题时，人们倾向于进行道德评判，这会混淆视听，阻碍人们找到最佳解决方案。不必等到完全爱自己才能爱他人，因为人始终处于各种关系之中，即使不完美，也能拥有和经营健康的关系。在人际冲突中，需要暂停并反思自身行为和责任，倾听对方感受，并寻求外部支持。处理关系问题的第一步是质疑自己对关系的解读，挑战不准确的认知，并与对方沟通，寻求理解和支持。在与父亲的关系中，我重新审视并改变了对父亲行为的解读，从而改善了彼此的关系。 Lidija Hilje: 我和丈夫20年的婚姻中，因为一次看似普通的争吵，他突然指责我多年来一直在虐待他。这让我震惊，因为我们一直是彼此最好的朋友，共同努力克服各自的童年创伤。但他的指责也让我意识到，他长期以来一直压抑着自己的感受，并将家务视为我强加给他的负担，剥夺了他的自由。他童年时期的经历让他养成了自我压抑的习惯，即使想要什么，也会先否定自己，然后怨恨我。通过沟通和理解，我们逐渐学会了如何更好地表达需求和尊重彼此的界限，最终改善了我们的关系。

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Chapters
This chapter explores the common misconceptions about boundaries and introduces a new perspective. It emphasizes that boundaries are about internal understanding rather than controlling others, using metaphors like air conditioning to illustrate the concept.
  • Boundaries are about internal understanding of where you end and someone else begins.
  • Common misconception: boundaries are about limiting others' behavior.
  • Better understanding: boundaries involve an internal thermostat for managing urgency and emotional responses.

Shownotes Transcript

KC Davis is a therapist and author known for her practical, empathetic advice on dealing with clutter, even when you are feeling like too much of a mess yourself to take care of the mess in your home. Her TikTok videos on the subject have been viewed millions of times. But lately, Davis has been talking and writing about our relationships not just to the objects in our lives, but to the people, too.

In her new book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship*,” *Davis tries to disentangle the popular understanding of boundaries, saying the concept is widely misunderstood. She offers a guide to forming and keeping boundaries that help readers better navigate their conflicts with other people.

On this episode of “Modern Love," Davis tells us what she thinks we get wrong about boundaries and how we should be thinking about them instead. She reads the Modern Love essay “Is My Husband a Doormat?)” about a sudden argument between a couple 20 years into their relationship and talks about how boundaries can help defuse such situations. Davis also tells us how boundaries helped heal her own relationship with her father.

The author of today’s featured essay, Lidija Hilje, has a new novel coming out in July called “Slanting Towards the Sea.)“

For an upcoming episode about location sharing, the Modern Love team wants to hear your location-sharing story. Did something happen that made you regret sharing your location with someone? Was there a moment when you were thankful that you had? Where were you? What happened? How did your relationship change as a result? The deadline is May 1. Submission instructions are here).

Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times)

Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story)

Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts) or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.