Praying for Their Dating Lives and Their Well-Being
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Of the many things that you might pray about with regard to your children, particularly your teens, dating is something that, oh, you want to be praying about their dating life. I'm John Fuller, joined by Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up our parenting team. And talk to me a little bit about you and Heather and praying for your children and their dating life.

Not imperfectly and not as regular as I could have been in that, John, but we did. And some of the prayers included...

shaping our kids to be contributors. And we talk about that here, right? Contributors instead of consumers. This is the headline. If you're new to the show, this is one of the key principles right here. Lean in because this is gold. Yeah. So being able to be a contributor in another person's life, and especially in this dating world, if my children enter into the dating world as consumers,

It's just not going to go well. And so helping me with wisdom and guidance to be able to guide them towards that and to understand what they're stepping into in their dating. And on the other side, I've also been praying for self-control, for discernment and wisdom. Yeah.

Humility is a key ingredient. And I've consistently prayed that since they were little. A humble heart makes such a difference in the way you perceive things. And it prepares that contributor heart that I'm here to contribute to others rather than being in transactions with other people in order to get something from them. That humble heart makes a difference. We see it in scripture. We see it play out in relationships and especially in dating.

And then I've prayed for the preparation of that other person they're going to be with, who they are, their family, that God will be in the shaping of that person and just trusting him in that.

And the key component that you're trying to build as you're praying for your children is this word trust, that trust will be maintained between me and my children, that trust will be maintained between my children and that other family and between my child and Jesus. And I mean, it's just that word trust connects it all. And then with that humble heart, that's what I've been praying for. I appreciate that.

And we're going to turn now to a conversation from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Jim spoke with Jodi Berndt about praying over your child, your teen in particular, when they start dating.

Parents often wish the Bible had some specific rules about teens and dating. Wouldn't that be nice? Proverbs 14.5. When you're raising your teenager, do this, do that. But you did do a cruise through the scripture to identify some principles that will work. So what did you find?

Well, I think there's a lot of encouragement we can offer, but I wish the Bible told us how parents of teens felt. David, when he goes off to the battlefield and he's gonna slay Goliath, or the only time we get even a hint of that is when Jesus is missing, right? And they're all coming back from the feast and his parents can't find him in the crowd. And they're like, where were you? And I think, ah,

okay, right there is my link that I'm not alone, that even Jesus' parents didn't always know where he was or what he was doing. So I wish the Bible got a little more into, okay, parent of teen, here's how you do it, and here's how the people who went before you did it. But it doesn't always do that. But I do think there are several things we can do. And the books are about praying the scriptures. And I think we want to tap into the power God has there because

There's not a need we're going to face that he hasn't already anticipated and provided for in the pages of scripture. His word doesn't come back void. And I love, especially because there can be times when as parents we feel hopeless, but I love Romans 15.4. Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us

so that through the endurance taught in the scriptures and the encouragement they provide, we might have hope. And that's what that verse says. And so I'm like, that's why he gave us his word, so that we can tap into it to know how to parent and more importantly, to know how to praise, because that gives us the endurance we need to hang in there. And it gives us the hope.

Let's end on this one. And we're going to come back next time, like we talked about and pick up the discussion there. But you warn parents about turning their teens into an idol. This is really important. How does that happen? And what should we be doing instead?

Well, you know, I think when you say that, don't turn your teens into an idol, what comes to people's minds is the idea that, oh, my kid is, you know, on the varsity football team. He's the quarterback. My daughter's homecoming queen. There is a certain pride that comes with that. Sure. You can see how a parent could make a child an idol with that. But I want to speak to the parents themselves.

whose kids are presenting concerns for them. Because I think we can make our children into idols when we give in to worry and fear, when we allow those concerns to take up the radar screen of our thoughts and our minds, rather than God and His glory and His throne and His power. Kids can become idols when they make us so proud and

And they can become idols when they make us so worried. So I would just encourage people to trust their kids to the Lord. Yeah, that's so good, Jodi. I can't wait to get into the conversation next time too and cover more of these things. Like I said, identity and some of the other difficulties that teens are facing and where do parents show up. Here's some good news.

When they do the research, teenagers will say the most significant relationship they have by far is with their parents. And that's a good thing. It's not social media. They may not be expressing it. They might be showing that distance, but they say it overwhelmingly. It's like 75, 80% of teens say, my most important relationship is with my parents. And that's a good thing. So let's build on it. It's a great thing.

Okay, Danny, so Jody was talking there in the latter half of that clip about avoiding making an idol out of our teens, particularly with regard to their performance. Our kids, I think, pick up on it, whether we're trying to or not. There's some pressure on children to perform. There's a problem with that, though, isn't there? When I'm pressuring my kid to do X, Y, Z. If we're honest, I think all of us are guilty at some point of

of living part of our life through our kids at some level, right? And we have to be aware of it and be real self-aware as to how we approach what our kids are getting into. And especially if they're finding success in that, there's a temptation to see ourselves as more important and better because our kids are being so successful. And so we need to figure out, is this about me and is this for me? Or is this about my child and I'm excited about

their success and who God has created them to be. Two totally different tracks there of thought, because it's not bad that our kids are succeeding and doing well. Let's pour into that, but it doesn't make us more important than the neighbors or anyone else around the world. It just means that our child has some gifts and talents to give away. There's even more responsibility now, because there's this big gift, this talent that maybe is public,

that needs to be given away as a service and as a love for other people. And let's charge our kids towards that. There's more, there's a big responsibility with that.

And really where we can fall prey to is this pridefulness that, hey, look at us, look at me. We're doing so well. And we can get tempted to be sucked into that and lose sight of the fact that gifts and talents are just that, to be given away out of love for other people, not to gain love for ourselves. Take some time as a family. Let's figure out why do we have these gifts and talents?

What are we succeeding at? And what has that created inside of our hearts and intentions and how we see ourselves around people? It's a good self-awareness moment we all need to have. So I want to just pivot to the other side of the coin, which is the parent whose child is really struggling. Like they're stuck. They're just stuck. And I mean, what we're talking about is important. Yeah.

But it's, I'm very mindful of times when my children were not performing well, if you understand what I'm saying. The struggle was real and we're surrounded by success. And here I am feeling so badly for my child and a little bit of like, what's wrong with me? There's that envy and that jealousy and that bad, yeah, that feeling that I must have done something wrong. Or, you know, it's kind of embarrassing, right?

Everyone else seems to be doing well, but not me. We personalize way too much of our kids' journey. They're in a journey that is specific to them. And the harder one, yes, is that one where your child is struggling and they're flailing and you're next to them and you're seeing other families not flail there. The richness of that is that you get to trust in God wholeheartedly. It can change you from inside out, but it's a difficult one.

And maybe ask God, why? Why are we in this? And help me strengthen up and not be embarrassed, but lean in to my child and to help us get through this and taking leadership in that and seeing that the definition of success is what? Is it getting past a challenge and through those difficult times? Or is it being on this easy road or on this difficult road, but successful road?

Which one...

would we say is successful within God's eyes? And talk about that as a family. Good conversation starter. Maybe this gets some conversation going in your house. Well, I appreciate that. And where I was landing on some of my thinking about this just recently was talking to a parent who said, yeah, I may not see their ultimate success in life. My child might not be a success until their 30s or 40s or 50s in terms of kingdom-minded success, godly success.

My job is to just love them well and to demonstrate God's grace to them as much as I can right now. And there's something about letting go. This goes back to the idol and the performance. There's something about letting go and not owning too much of their success and not too much of their failure as well.

Well, there are nuances and complexities to parenting, and it just seems to get harder and harder. Let us help you. If you're really unsure about where to turn next, whether it's your teen's dating life or their performance, their choices, their work world, whatever it is, we want to equip you to guide them well. And Danny and the team have a whole treasure trove of resources to help you as a parent, whether it's easy or hard, everything in between.

So stop by the parenting website. There's so much there for you. If we can be of service through our counseling team, we have a free phone consultation that we can offer thanks to the generosity of donors. Our caring Christian counselors are superb. They are wonderfully gifted.

They will call you back at a time that works. They'll listen to you. They'll offer some perspectives. They'll point you to some resources. And if you want to have an ongoing counseling relationship with somebody in your community, they'll make that handshake as well. They'll connect you with somebody. It's a free phone call away. It's 800 the letter A in the word family. That's 800 the letter A in the word family.

And if you're in a good spot and you're able to make a donation to support the work of this show and this ministry, help us out. Make a monthly contribution of any amount, and we'll say thank you for being a part of the support team by sending Jody Burns' terrific resource. It's a book called Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens, Opening the Door for God's Provision in Their Lives. This is an excellent, obviously scripture-based prayer book,

and you'll be using this for years and years to come. Donate today. We'll send the book to you. Details are in the show notes. All right, next time we're going to turn a corner and hear about the different types of learners. We're going to have Cynthia Tobias on the show. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

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