Quelling Chaos in Single Parent Homes
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Mom or dad, if you're a single parent, you deal with so very much, and we want to talk a little bit about some of that load and ways to grow on today's episode. I'm John Fuller, along with our Vice President of Parenting, Dr. Danny Huerta, and let's listen to a conversation, part of a conversation, from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Jim spoke with Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells, and last time, Peggy Sue shared about the

The five R's, rejection, resentment, resistance, revenge, and repeat.

And she shared about how to avoid those five R's. Let's listen in for more. Boy, in breaking that cycle, that's where you need help. You need a way to step out of that cycle so you can remedy the situation. Another R word. There are, yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, there's a good one. I'm going to have to add that. So there's the green lights. We go from the red light to the green light. So the green lights are instead of being in those five R's, I need to instead be practicing gratitude,

and generosity and grace and engagement. And so when I move into those green lines, those are the things that build the relationship. But we are in one of those feelings, one of those ours, pretty much with every relationship that we're engaged with, whether it's our neighbor or people that we work with, what have you. So it's coming to recognize it.

And then in the book we talk about, if you're here, then do this instead. If you're here, do this instead. And then we're going to get you out of that. But the first thing that you can do to not even start into that five-hour parade is stick to the facts. Because if I would have stuck to the facts that said, you know what? This morning my teenager is grousing around the house. It would have been fine. Yeah. It's not you. It's them. It's not me. It's just that's the fact. I don't need to read anything into it. So recently we had a wedding. So if you want drama, have a wedding. Yeah.

So during this wedding process, the sister that was doing the bridal shower says, so mom, is your friend coming? Because, you know, I'm putting the table settings together. And I said, I don't know. I invited her. I called twice. She hasn't answered. I don't know if she's coming. Do you hear the stilettos in my voice? I've already made up a story that's negative towards me about what's going on. So my daughter, who's very wise, says, so mom, what's the facts? Yeah.

Oh, the facts. Well, the facts are I invited her. I called twice. She hasn't answered. You know what? I'll call again. So it changes everything that when you feel those emotions coming up and you're making up the story in your head, you can just kind of go, oh, what are the facts? Go back to the facts and you get out of the five R's. Yeah. That right there is worth getting the book for. And we can all apply that even in a two parent.

I mean, those are important things in our marriage, important things to remember. At the end of every chapter, we have like this peaceful moment. That was one of Peggy Sue's contributions is, okay, let's have a takeaway that brings peace to the family.

to the single parent home. And so it's those simple practical takeaways. Well, I so appreciate that. We touched on this last time, but we didn't dig into it. You mentioned kind of the chaos that is created when that split happens and what's going on. And really, the...

the mature Christian parent is trying to find God's shalom, his peace. And how do you go about doing that? And it's kind of like a jungle, I can imagine, that it becomes very difficult to know that peace. One thing you do say in the book that's important is that you remember God's promises as meteorites are hitting you left and right, if I could put it that way. I mean, you're in this terrible hailstorm,

of the separation or breakup of a marriage and then, oh, remember God's promises. Aren't they kind of hard to remember and find in that moment?

We, because so much that we had depended on had not held us up, it had become not stable. We looked for something that was stable. And the one thing that's stable is the word of God. So the thing that we did every night, every night, doesn't matter how late we were out or whatever, every night we did, we read from scripture and we prayed out loud from when going from the youngest to the oldest and

And then we memorized scripture. So our Bible time, if we could do the whole thing, it was reading from the Old Testament, the Psalms, the New Testament through Proverbs, memorizing a scripture, giving a blessing to the children and praying over them before they went to bed. And so I wanted to give them something that they could actually say, I can count on this. And at one point, too, I went to my mentor and I'm crying and I'm snotting and just all and she's like,

"You're concerned you're not enough." And I'm like, "How can I be enough for my children? How can I love them enough?" And she said, "You can't." She said, "A two-parent home can't fill your child's heart with all the love they need. The only one that can is the Lord."

And so that was so important to me that as early as possible to introduce them to the source of that stability and that love, to introduce them to Jesus. And then as much as we could memorize scripture and have that hidden in our heart so that, like you said, when that meteor came, it was like, okay, I will remember this. And we have that trauma brain because something awful has happened in our family. There's been a split.

But then every time there's like a holiday and you have to do two holidays now, not one holiday, you have to go through different court situations. You have to go through different, you know, who's going to pay for the braces? And is somebody going to cover the car insurance? And, you know, just the hurt that comes over and over and over again. And so there's a temptation for it to throw you back into trauma brain again and again and again. And so we had to really work very hard to be able to be thankful.

thinking and to be leaning on something that we could count on and not go into trauma every single time the phone rang or every single time there was a visitation. Like, thy word I've hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee. When we hide God's word in our heart.

It strengthens us, whether we're in a single parent home, a two parent home, like any kind of trauma, drama that's going on in society, like God's word will strengthen you. Like a lot of times the single moms, well, all busy moms will say this, but how do I spend time with God? Like you have no idea. They always want something from me.

And I encourage them, let's just be practical. Let's layer God's word throughout your day. Like get up, turn on, focus on the family. Let it play in the background. We always played scripture. So our kids got dressed to the Bible, you know, and it's just playing in the background of their life. On the way there to school, then put on some praise music or Adventures in Odyssey or

You've got this all down. I know. When you get home, hey, have those scripture memory post-it notes all around your mirror when you put on your makeup. And you just layer God's word into your life in little two-minute bits. And by the end of the day, it's fortified you. Mm-hmm.

Well, Danny, in my own walk with Christ, I've seen that reading the Bible, looking for God in there, understanding who he is, trusting him and his character and his plan, that's made all the difference in the world through some really hard times. For the single parent who is thinking, well, that sounds nice, but I don't even have time to read God's word. What's your encouragement?

Yeah. I mean, there's not an easy answer to that other than there are tools now that help you engage with God's Word in multiple ways. You can be driving, listening to the Bible being read to you while you're doing that or working out or walking or something in your day-to-day activities, even folding laundry. You can be listening to Scripture. Scripture is a reset of the mind and it facilitates resilience. It's a known fact through research they've found that

There is a processing in the brain through certain scriptures and certain timing in a person's life where it can help with the rewiring, the reestablishing, the facilitating of a resilient mind. Really? But you have to have belief. If you don't believe what you're listening to, there isn't that trust. There isn't that penetration, that changing. And we have to have patience with it.

I've found that clients that throughout the years that have used scripture as a centerpiece to their recovery or to diving into the challenges also journaled. They saw that as a sacred space for them, especially moms. And they would sit down with what they've read and with what they're experiencing and what their thoughts are and their perceptions and interpretations and would write down what

what they were wrestling with. And in that, they got tremendous insights because then they're having a conversation with God through his word. They get to take the scenario, they get to take their thoughts, listen carefully, pause life, and have it interact with God's word. That was powerful. Others went into community of people.

And through that, found some support, some prayer from others. Prayer is another key piece to this, where a parent can find strength in the midst of places they feel helpless in and hopeless as well. And so as a parent, if you're in a place where you want to

You feel like there's just no hope. You're in a tough place. You're tired. You're exhausted. A fantastic place to start is finding a way to have God's Word begin to penetrate into your soul because it begins to reset the momentum of what's happening inside of your soul and

There's a lot of imperfection in there, and it's still tough. This isn't a promise all of a sudden it's going to be easy. God never said that in Scripture, but He said, I'll make sure you know that I'll be right next to you as you go through the tough times. And so it's a powerful reminder to be thinking about that God is wanting to speak to us. His Word is always available. Prayer is always available.

Journaling does make a difference. Yeah, I so appreciate that. That's a very rounded answer to kind of a general question. And we want to encourage you to grab onto the Scripture. And if you feel like there's just so much in my life, I can't even start to think about what that would look like, or I don't know how God would speak to me, why don't you give us a call? We have caring Christian counselors here. We can schedule a time for one of them to give you a call back.

and to kind of find out how's it going and to pray with you and to point you to resources. And it would be a privilege for us to serve you in this manner. Our donors make it possible for this to be a free consultation for you, regardless of your circumstances. So if you're in a tough spot and you need someone to kind of hear you out and pray with you, our number is 800-the letter A and the word family.

800-232-6459. And if you're in a spot to make a donation to this ministry because you benefit from the content of these shows, please make a one-time gift of any amount to the ministry, a monthly pledge if you're able. Either way, when you donate, we'll send the book by Pam and Peggy Sue called The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make.

It really is a powerful book, and it offers insights even about what we talked about today, about the power of God's Word. You'll find details about donating and getting the book in the show notes. Next time, we'll hear from Jody Berndt about dealing with your teenager's behavior. Not that you ever have to worry about any misbehavior. I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Culture is changing so fast. How should Christians respond? At our next Lighthouse Voices event, you'll hear from John Stonestreet with the Colson Center. We live in what is called a civilizational moment. Civilizations ebb and flow, and we are at a pivotal moment. I think a lot of us have felt that existentially for a long time. Learn how to face this moment with clarity, confidence, and courage.

Lighthouse Voices is on April 15th, and you can register for the free live stream at lighthousevoices.org.