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Reaching Orphans, Widows and Kids in Need

2025/4/1
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Focus on Parenting Podcast

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Chapters
This chapter explores how the church can actively support single-parent families, drawing from biblical principles and real-life examples of successful church involvement. It challenges the common perception of single mothers as solely financial burdens and highlights their valuable contributions.
  • Biblical call to support widows and orphans applies to single-parent families.
  • Single mothers often contribute time and tithe.
  • Churches should actively pursue healthy mentoring and support for single-parent children.

Shownotes Transcript

In the Old Testament book of Isaiah, chapter 1, verse 17, God tells us to bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. And we're going to look at how that principle can apply as we reach out to single-parent households.

I'm John Fuller, joined by the head of our parenting team, Dr. Danny Huerta. And we're going to start now with a clip from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, in which Jim spoke with Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells. Peggy Sue was a single mom to seven kids, and Pam grew up in a single-parent household.

A mentor of mine years ago said to me, if you think about it, because of the biblical customs and the times that the Bible was written in, especially the New Testament for this example I'm about to give, when you think of widow and orphan, you know, we think of people who have no parents or a spouse who's died. But this person had said to me, you know, in the customs there, if the husband was out of the picture, they were in essence an abandoned woman. She was a widow.

And the church needs to take them in and take care of them as a command of the Lord, even if the man is still alive and just has now left his responsibilities. That's an interesting way for the church to think about that. But here's the benefit in the long run. Think of the children, particularly, when they have that good experience that people in the church pursued them. Men came alongside them, helped mentor the boys, for example, and it was all healthy and healthy.

That is a good story. It is a great story. I mean, look at the table we're sitting at right here. We are the result of some healthy Christians doing exactly that. And Bill and I found in our church, a lot of times pastors are thinking, oh, single mom, it's going to drain. We'll have to help her financially, yada, yada, yada. It's a burden. Right. But most single moms have jobs. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

And so they tithe even. And what we found is they tithe their time too because if they're splitting their household, like a weekend here with the kids, a dad weekend, they have this extra weekend every other week. And some of our best –

wonderful servants in our church where some of our single moms are very dedicated. That makes that even more impressive given everything that they're doing. Okay, last time we left off with a brief illustration of the five roots of conflict that break out in a family. You listed them. We talked about one of them briefly. Let's list them again and let's just go a little slower so people can grab a definition for each one. Yeah, there was some times where I was noticing that as our family would come and we would gather together for the holidays, we would sort of like

emotionally abuse one another and have pie. And I was like, God, I don't want to do this. I don't want to go into situations that are unhealthy. So you have that scripture about to as far as possible live at peace with... And I'm like, God, I'm doing my part. It's clearly everybody else. So I need you to jump in and take care of this. Straighten them out. Yes. And he said, you know, there's one common denominator in all of your relationships. And I'm like, what, me? And he's like, yep. So I'm like, okay, teach me. Mm-hmm.

So this is what he started showing me. And I have a great example that one morning my daughter Hannah, she's in high school. She gets up. She's on a Saturday grousing around the house. So I do the mom thing and I make her a pancake and tea and I tell jokes and she doesn't laugh. And the pancake is just pushed around on her plate. And I'm sitting there next to her thinking, oh,

I'm feeling rejected. I've done these things to make her feel better and she's not receiving them. So now I feel rejected. So that's the first R. This is the five R parade. We start with rejection. So as I'm sitting there, I'm like, I don't like feeling rejected. So now I'm resentful about feeling rejected. So now I'm resentful towards her that way.

So I sit there a little bit longer and then it's like, well, fine. You're not going to talk to me. I'm not going to talk to you. You're not going to look at me. I won't look at you because like that, like reeks of maturity. But if you've ever given or received the silent treatment, that's resistance. So it goes from rejection to resentment to resistance.

And then because my heart is hurting, I want her to know my heart is hurting. And this makes no sense when you think about it, but people generally will then do something to hurt the other person because then you'll know how I feel. Yeah, kind of equal treatment. Exactly. So I was just about to do that. And as I'm opening my mouth to say, so how are you doing with that homework? You're keeping those grades above C level. As I started to say that, I'm like, oh, I'm moving into revenge. That's the next R. Yeah.

So I'm like, okay, I need to not go there. So instead, what I said to her, actually, let me say that before I said that, if I hadn't, if I would have said that to her, what would she have done? If I would have said, what about that homework? Have you cleaned your bathroom lately?

she's going to backpedal, right? And then I'm going to feel more rejected. And so then we go into repeat and we make the cycle and we go over and over and over again. And so instead, as I got to that revenge place, I was like, oh, I'm in the five R's. So I said, Hannah, the story I'm making up in my head right now is it's Saturday. You'd rather be anywhere else on the planet than home with your mom because I stink as a parent. And she kind of, because I made up that story in my head the minute I went into resentment.

And so she kind of shakes herself and looks up at me and she said, I just found out the boy I babysit has leukemia. It has nothing to do with me. But I made up a story in my head, starting with the rejection and went through this five hours. And then I realized...

We do this in a lot of places. And those are, those five R's are the red lights for our relationships. So it's going to be rejection and then resentment and resistance and revenge and repeat. And it just keeps going.

Danny, those principles from Peggy Sue, the five R's, really good way to kind of look at things. And I was struck by that story about her daughter when Peggy Sue realized, oh, it's not me. I mean, it's so tempting for us to internalize and personalize. Have you had, I mean, I'm sure you've counseled people who deal with this. Have you had any experiences where maybe your son or daughter was upset, but it wasn't you?

Yeah. I noticed that in middle school, especially with my daughter. And you're right, this happens a lot. In the counseling sessions, we've had to clarify so many different moments where they're misinterpreted. And this is a misinterpretation of a child's behavior. And with my daughter, I did that. She came home upset. And throughout the night, there was

and this has happened multiple times, but in this particular one, I remember she was just a little more spicy. Let's put it that way. And I could feel it, but it almost felt personal. And I was taking it a bit personally. And so I noticed some of that trigger inside of me reacting to it. And it's so good to realize that with our kids, most of the time there's something else that has happened that

that is influencing the way they're reacting to the moment that you're in, especially if they've gone to school throughout the day or they were at church, at youth group. Most of the time, there are other things that they're wrestling with, and especially when they're trying to find a sense of belonging, a sense of competence, a sense of worth. There's so many things they're trying to pursue as they become teenagers that for us as parents, we can realize these things in ourselves. If there's a husband and wife team there, you can help them.

your spouse know, hey, it looked like you were absorbing some things you didn't need to absorb. And do that away from the kids, maybe at night, go, I think you absorbed some things that you did not need to absorb. Because we need that reminder and we also need to have that openness that our spouse may see something like that. But a single parent doesn't have somebody to observe and to offer some insights. How can that mom or dad who's got, let's say, the middle school child who's

How can they get up kind of above the emotion and assess what's really going on? Once you feel your emotions bubbling up, that's a good signal for you to ask the question, what is actually happening here? Ask that question. If you need to write it down somewhere, do that. What is actually happening here? And then ask, become a good question asker with your kids. They're going to help you practice that by bringing some things to the table that you can ask questions about. So you can say, hey,

Honey, I noticed you came in pretty spicy. Can you help me understand what's really going on? And they may not know. I don't know. I'm just in a bad mood. Okay. Well, let's explore it. At some point when you're ready to look into what's really going on, let's talk about it. And as they're responding, you can mirror back and go, man, you just seem a bit spicy today. Yeah. I hope things get better for you. Yeah. And I think for me, a big shift had to do with

giving permission to not get an answer right now and to not respond or react myself right now. So there was a situation I remember where one of my kids was, I call it poking the bear. I mean, they were just on it. They were just trying to figure some sort of reaction from me.

And I finally said, you know what? I'm really upset right now and I don't want to talk and I'm just going to walk away because I think it's better if we just, I'll come back to you, but I'm going to walk away. And maybe some space is helpful for that single parent who has so much going on and can't quite ascertain this moment, but getting away or your child getting away might benefit you.

Well, we have a lot of information, a lot of resources here for you as a single parent. And certainly there's encouragement from Pam and Peggy Sue in their amazing book, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make.

We have that available here at Focus on the Family. If you're able to, make a donation today of any amount, and we'll send the book to you. And from time to time, Jim Daly reminds us that if you're in need of this book, but you're not in a spot to make a donation, give us a call and let us know. We'll send the book to you. Our donors are so generous. They'll help cover the cost of that.

Our number is 800-A-FAMILY. And if you want to follow the link in the show notes, you'll find ways to donate and get the book. Also in the show notes, we're going to post a link to a video from Linda Ransom Jacobs called Single Parent with Confidence. And she addresses some of the hard things that single parents just have to overcome. I think you'll find it encouraging.

More from Pam and Peggy soon next time. For now, I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Culture is changing so fast. How should Christians respond? At our next Lighthouse Voices event, you'll hear from John Stonestreet with the Colson Center. We live in what is called a civilizational moment. Civilizations ebb and flow, and we are at a pivotal moment. I think a lot of us have felt that existentially for a long time. Learn how to face this moment with clarity, confidence, and courage.

Lighthouse Voices is on April 15th, and you can register for the free live stream at lighthousevoices.org.