Rules, The Relationship and Cell Phones
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Join our Friends of Focus on the Family team at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Families or call 800-A-FAMILY. As your child ages, your relationship with them changes a bit. There's constant guidance that you're offering, but it has to change, especially as they enter the teen years. And giving rules is easy, but it may not be the best approach.

conversely, not having rules might seem like it's easy, just make the decision, but our kids do need some guidance. So how do we make sense of all that? Well, that's what Dr. Danny Huerta is here for. He's going to just shine a light on all of this.

And we'll get to Danny in just a minute. But first, we're going to hear from a conversation that Focus President Jim Daley had with Carrie Kempakis on that transition from being kind of the guardian protector to the friend of your teen. Let me ask you about the buddy parent and the danger of the buddy parent, because I kind of lean in that direction. So when I was reading that, I'm a little guilty there. Yeah.

You know, you want, especially for the latter teenage years, you do need to move into that consultant role. So, you know, real successful consultants usually are good friends as well. Somebody you can confide in. This is what the business is doing. What do you think I should do? How do you not become a...

harmful buddy parent and still stay in a good buddy place, if that's the way to ask this. Right. You know, the best thing that I've seen on that subject, it was Sissy Goff and David Thomas, they're counselors in Nashville, and I just, I love everything they produce and write, but they talked about parenting with rules and relationship. Right.

And they said a lot of parents today grew up with parents that had the rules, but they did not have the relationship. So what we're seeing is the pendulum swing that a lot of times we see the relationship, but not the rules. And I do think it's important for us to have that relationship, even more so now than our parents' generation, because there's a lot at stake if our kids aren't listening to us and they're listening to their friends and going elsewhere for advice. It's not always backing up what we're saying at home.

But at the same time, you know, what I have to remind myself when there's something I have to tell my child that I'm like, she is not going to be happy about this. I have to think that she's got lots of friends, but she only has one mom. And if I don't mother her, then who's going to do it? And so the way I look, but it's hard.

because you know, when they get older, you know, what's going to set them off, you know, what's going to get some resistance. So I do think we have to be pretty selective about the battles we choose to fight, you know, and if we choose to fight every single battle, then we're just going to push them away and we can make them rebel. You know, a lot of times if you have that, those rules without the relationship, it can lead to rebellion. But then if you have too much relationship without the rules, it just leads them with this late sense of, they don't know where the boundaries are and they can go off the deep end even more so than they might've otherwise. No, that's good insight. Uh,

You and your husband, Harry, spoke with one of your daughters about, I think, cell phone. And so I don't know who was the bad parent and the good parent in this story. But what happened in that conversation from a parenting standpoint with your battle with your daughter's cell phone? Everybody's leaning in on this one. Is this everybody's battle? Right. And for our generation, we were the first parents parenting with cell phones. And there were things I would do differently now. We just didn't know.

And so, you know, we were trying to put these work back really like we gave them this freedom. And then we started to put these restrictions on them. And so we were having this conversation about her cell phone one night and just things we're going to clamp down on a little bit and just limiting her time. And she told us, she's like, you know, I've just been feeling resentful towards y'all lately. You know, and she was honest. And luckily, I was writing that book, Love Her Well. So I'm like, you know, trying to take into mind or keep in mind my own advice.

But she's like, I've been feeling resentful because I make better choices than a lot of my friends, yet they have fewer rules than I do. And I thought, you know, that's a good point. And so it takes a lot of humility to hear that and not get mad as a parent or tell her how she should be feeling or that she shouldn't be resentful. So we said, you know, we understand that.

We have to be your parents, but we're also going to listen to you and let your voice be heard. And it might be that if we have this rule in place here, maybe there's some other rules if you feel like we're being too strict. Maybe there's a rule from two years ago. Maybe we can update your curfew. Maybe there's a way that we can kind of work with you in another area. And I think the main thing is just to let them know that I promise you we're on your team and we want what's best for you.

And there are some decisions that you might not understand now that you might think is for later. And then we're human too, and we're making mistakes, and we're also figuring things out. So let's have this conversation. I mean, that's really good. You know, having boys, it may be a little different. The first thing we think of is, are they manipulating me? Right. Hey, I got more rules, and I don't do bad things on my cell phone.

Right. Are we sure about that? Right? Right. So you got a, is it a test but verify kind of environment? Or if your child says that to you, say, okay, I understand that. How do you know that they're being good with their phone use? I know. Well, you know, we said from the get-go, probably the great advice we got on the onset is that somebody told us, don't give it to them as a gift. Like you let them know it is your phone. It is your property. You have the right to take it away anytime. You have the right to pick it up and look at it anytime. Right.

So one of our big rules was like, it better be in the light. Anything you do better be in the light. And we need to be able to pick up your phone anytime. And if there's a reason or concern that we think it needs to be taken away, we have that right. Those are good things. I know Jean did a great job, you know, keeping them away from the dinner table. So nobody sat with phones and put them up on the,

island or in a basket or something like that. And nobody got to charge them overnight in their rooms. They had to do it down in the kitchen. Right. So you had to leave your phone there. There's just some basic things. We, you know, we were really blessed because our boys were 17 and 15.

And they would ask us time to time, you know, can we get a phone? All our friends have phones. Yeah, let me talk to mom about that. And six months would go by. Oh, I forgot. I forgot. Let me talk to mom about that. Another six months. Yeah. But, you know, great advice there is just delay it as long as you can. Yes. And I think that's good.

Well, an insightful conversation with Kerry and Danny. Let's talk about cell phones because those are such a distraction. I mean, 15 years ago, what was the cell phone? It was just a tool over there. Now it's everything. It's the hub of all of life. Remember pagers, John? I do remember that. And I remember flip phones and you couldn't really do much with those. That was kind of nice. Yeah.

I got an iPhone and, oh, the world changed. And our kids have grown up, particularly like my 21-year-old, he's of the generation that grew up with a phone. They don't know what it was like not to have cell phones. And so there's so much there. What's your observation for parents with regard to technology, in particular, cell phones? Well, we need to be aware of all the research that's been done now because we have enough time now.

with phones now to know what impact does this have on families, on kids, on us.

And I have yet to see a study that says, man, it has tremendously enhanced relationships, has tremendously enhanced the mental health for kids. It's actually the opposite, where it's created a more disconnected home. It's created more loneliness, really, for our teens and young adults. We've seen a rise in mental health issues and fear with access to so many things through that phone. Addictions to sexual content and things like that has gone through the roof. And so-

It really puts us in an intersection as parents. We need to decide what is this going to look like in our home? Because you can't control everyone else's home. So I'll tell you what we did in our home. Yeah. It doesn't mean anybody has to do it exactly how we did it all or even close to it. It's really up to each person and their individual home. And in counseling, I have to tell you, we've talked about this topic many times. And so...

The first thing that we said to our kids is it's a privilege to have a phone and it's not a right. So you got to get that straight in the mind because then you approach it differently. Then we talked about the fact that once they get a phone, which will be around 16 years old, we have to make sure we're in a good place relationally and that there's trust. That's important, a prerequisite to a phone beyond age. So 16 could be it, could be 17 if we're not in the right spot.

And then social media, I told them, hey, maybe 18.

when you're making those decisions on your own. In our home, I haven't seen anything good or positive. I understand it'll be a bit disconnecting outside of school. Get together with your friends. I love that you're gonna have friends. That's so healthy for you. So those are the basic parameters we put around that. And then once they did get their phone, we talked about not having phones at the dinner table or in the car or where there would otherwise be some social connected time because I didn't want it to be divisive. And if there was...

And any breakage of those rules, if they broke a rule like that, then we'd initially have a conversation as to why and reset. And there were a lot of resets that we could have in our home. And it was an ongoing conversation between us. And one thing I did say at the beginning is if I see it becoming way too important than relationships and other things...

I have to step in and, and I'm not here to make you happy. I'm here to love you and guide you. And what I've noticed at that point is that it's successfully tempted you beyond what you can control. And so I need to, I need to step in. Okay. So one final word I'm going to ask for you to address, and that is the parent who feels like I hear you, but I feel like such a hypocrite because like I'm on my phone all the time. And so I,

How do I start with me before I start expecting them to do that which I seemingly can't? Yeah, find some limits that you can put where the phone limits you. But then also maybe a mentor or a person that can come alongside you in that accountability of you breaking free from that. But you have to have a replacement of what you're pursuing. Your brain needs a pursuit. If you told yourself right now,

don't look at the clock and the clock's by you, you're gonna stare at the clock. Your brain doesn't know that don't dos is what is it that you want to do? And that's why at some point- So we need to substitute the habit. Yeah, yeah. The guidance as to where we need to go towards. And so figure out what do I really want

And how does the phone fit into that and then give it its right place within that? Yeah. Well, just speaking personally that when we started saying, hey, at nine o'clock, I want your phone on the kitchen counter, we realized we got to do that too. So at nine o'clock, we're pivoting, we're off the electronics generally and trying to read a book, talk to a friend.

talk, play a game, do something, but start to put that technology over in the corner because it shouldn't have dominion over our heads and our hearts. Do you have a game, a favorite game you guys play, John? Well...

It depends. It depends on the brain power available at night. That's right, at that time. That kind of is it. Wouldn't it be fun to hear everyone's favorite games? Yeah, I mean- I would love that. I grew up old school. So like in the Midwest, it was Cribbage, it's Yahtzee. If we have the bandwidth, Scrabble, because word games- We play nine, John? No.

I don't know that game. That's a fun one for couples and also families. Yeah. What's it called? Play Nine? It'd be fun to hear everyone's favorite games. All right. If you got some. There you go. Leave a comment for us. Send us a note. And as you do so, we could just say, send us a note about your favorite game and we'll send the book to you. Typically, we ask for a donation, but maybe your participation is worth more than a donation to us.

Either way, maybe tell us the games that you like to play instead of being on the phone. Or if you can, make a donation via the show notes and we'll send Carrie Kempakis' book, Love Her Well, 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter. It's a terrific resource. You heard Carrie. She's got some great insights and we've got details for you in the show notes. And then we have a free article we're linking to called Cell Phone Etiquette for Kids, which

And it does apply to parents as well. It's a very short, very pithy article. It's got some great perspectives for you. And that link is in the show notes as well. We'll hear more from Carrie next time on encouraging your child when he or she feels stressed. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller. And thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

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