Seeing the Single Moms in Your Community
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As I've met people over the years, I've kind of come to the determination that we all carry a suitcase. We're dragging a suitcase around and sometimes there are a lot of rocks in it. Sometimes it's a little bit lighter. Sometimes it's really heavy. I want to encourage you to stop and recognize those who have a heavy suitcase behind them, especially the single moms in your life.

I'm John Fuller, along with the head of our parenting team, Dr. Danny Huerta. And let's turn now to a conversation that focused on the family president, Jim Daleyhead, with Pam Farrell and her friend, Peggy Sue Wells. Peggy Sue spent a number of years as a single mom, and she shared very transparently about how she ended up as a single mom.

Peggy Sue, you have a different story in this single motherhood journey. Describe what happened with you and your husband. How old were the kids? What was going on? Yeah, the oldest was graduating high school and the youngest was a year old.

And it was kind of the same thing where there had been a lot of travel in the career. So there would be times where it was just me and the kids motoring along, doing fine. And then he would come home for a while and then he'd be gone again. And we just kind of had life like that for a while. And then things just began to escalate. And as they began escalating, it finally reached a point where I had to say, we just all gathered together in the family room. And I said, you know...

This isn't a good situation. You know, it's not good for kids to see that this is how adults interact. It's not good for us to have that this is what family looks like. It's damaging. So we have to make a decision. We have to decide if we're going to make some shifts here or we have to decide that I have to put some boundaries up, that this has to be safe for the family. And so everybody got to make a choice. And, you know, people do what they do for their own reasons.

I think it has everything to do with me. The truth is that really we do what we do for our own reasons and they make choices based on what we have to do internally. And interestingly, that choice, even though...

They're making it because of their own reasons. It can have a Grand Canyon size impact on the people around you based on the choices. But yeah, he chose out, you know, and that was his choice. And we have done our best with what we had. Describe that. So again, husbands can better understand what took place there. I mean, you two talked about it. You were trying to be adult about it.

And we did so much counseling. We tried all the counseling, all the books, all the prayers, all the fasting, all the mentoring. I mean, we really worked hard. I know when it was...

It was at the end where I'm like, there is nothing more that I know of that I could do physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've done all the things that I can possibly know to do. And his point was, it's too hard. I'm done. I'm checking out. I, you know, again, being the person I am, the place I came from, I can't believe a man would leave you with seven kids.

I mean, that's rough. But it's also what is their experience and what are they working through? You see what I'm saying? Yeah, I get that. But as a man, uh-uh. Sorry. And still, you're leaving your wife, even if you're not getting along, but you're leaving seven kids. That's almost...

an insurmountable mountain for you and the kids. And we do. I'm sorry to be that rough on that. No, but we do pray that men will rise up and do what you say and not walk out. And again, I so appreciate your tenderness. And I'm sure we all have family of origin issues, but at some point as believers, we got to say, okay, we're going to break those chains.

I know I'm coming across as a little cold, but it really irks me that we don't live up to what we profess. And, you know, we need to. I think if the church acted more Christ-like, we'd have greater healing. Mm-hmm.

In our families and men particularly, it needs to start with us as leaders to do the things we need to do, even out of obligation. That's okay. That's a good call. Right. But okay. So he left. What do you do day one? How do you get your kids together and go, all right, everybody, here's what's happening. That's, I mean, one year old up to a senior in high school, that's a broad spectrum of explanation. Right.

It breaks everyone's heart. Everyone just has a broken heart. Everybody feels betrayed. One of my kids said, everything I thought was true about our family was a lie. And I kind of had to go back and say, there were things that didn't continue the way they were, but it wasn't all a lie. But I understand that's the level of betrayal that you feel from someone that you think is going to stay with you and be there all the time.

So, yeah, so we had to work through that. And I have adult kids that are functioning, contributing part of society. I'm just so proud of them. I like to say I had good material to work with. They're doing well, but they will always have a broken heart. And like you said about things that we've gone through, sometimes it's like,

We've got to leverage this either as a tool to move forward or we can drown in it. Well, yeah, I applaud you giving the kids that kind of path. You know, the Lord certainly sets the path, but a good parent in this kind of situation, in your case, a good mom, which was my story with a good mom.

laying the foundation that the Lord could use to build on. That's not easy, but it's doable. It is. And you know what? I want to give my mom credit. She's like my hero. Yeah. Because she went from that broken place to like seeking Jesus with her whole heart. And when I began a friendship with Paisu...

I saw her as a hero. I mean, seven kids. Wow. And she's an amazing mom. And so we thought through what are those decisions? What are those smart decisions that Peggy Sue made, that my mom made, that gave our kids, gave me and then Peggy Sue's kids that head start, that ability to heal, the ability to move forward in life. And on the front cover of Temba's Decisions a Single Can Make, there's two umbrellas. And people are like, why do you have umbrellas on there? And they're not even pink and blue. Right.

They're olive and red. Right. And really the top umbrella is that God is our shelter. And in Psalms 27, it says, He will keep me safe in His dwelling. He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent. And that's really a promise from God that He will take care of you, single mom. He will shelter you if you give Him a chance. And then the second umbrella is the single mom.

and the promise that He will send showers of blessing. That's what we pray, that as a result of the contents of 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make, that those decisions, those choices, will become a life that God can bless her, the kids, their future.

Well, Danny, I so appreciate Peggy Sue's story and her vulnerability and Pam's insights. And how can we, when we notice somebody that is pretty clearly a single mom, how can we reach out and offer help? What are some ways to kind of bridge the gap and step in and offer something? First, there's an assumption that they need help, right? I mean, there are a lot of assumptions around a single mom. Is that a reasonable assumption?

Maybe. Okay. Maybe. Some more than others. I mean, depending. They may have five kids, six kids, two, three jobs, may have one job. There are a lot of assumptions we make. So first of all, just get to know them. Hmm.

I appreciate that. You know, listen to them, get to know them, invite them to things that are going on. So you get to know more of what is happening actually in their life. I love that because my question kind of indicated that I'm ready to be a hero to you. How may I serve you? Yes. And you're saying, no, no, build a relationship first. So key. So if you're having...

dinner, you're having a small group time, invite the singles over. If you have a bunch of couples, invite the singles. It can be a rich time of just spending time together. And in that, you'll find out if they have specific needs.

And when you learn those, make sure you reach out and say, hey, I'd love to help with this if you'd like it. But then you already know. It's more targeted to something that truly is a need for them. And maybe they feel bad asking for that help. Maybe it's childcare. Maybe it's some meals. Maybe it's just surprising them with a gift card to dinner.

That can always be a great surprise for anybody. And a single mom would certainly appreciate it. And make sure you're encouraging to them as they're trying their best to juggle many different things. And I would say that single moms many times don't experience that grace walking in.

look at them as people that are strong, not necessarily weak. And that will change the mindset as to how you approach them. - Now, anytime somebody kind of shows affection and love and interest in my children, I feel blessed, I feel fortunate, I'm grateful for that. So it seems like that's an opportunity for us as well. Lean in and start talking to the child or the children of that single mom and develop a little bit of a relationship.

Just to say, hey, I'm safe and I can talk to you and you can talk to me. And I would guess most single moms would appreciate that. Yes. Yes. Especially mom to mom. And if you're a single man in a church and a single mom, that can feel a little threatening. Like, what's really the intent here? Moms to moms, make sure you're supporting those single moms. And if...

You're a pastor listening to this. Make sure you're gathering your community and saying, hey, let's love one another. And keep in mind, single moms, it isn't always because of a breakup or divorce or it can be death or other things that have happened before.

Be gentle to that. Get to know them. Great advice. Thank you, Danny. And Pam Farrell, in the conversation with Jim Daly, mentioned the book that Pam and Peggy Sue wrote. We're going to make it available today for a gift of any amount.

Make a donation to support this show and focus on the family generally as we reach out to encourage parents, regardless of season and circumstances. Put some gas in our gas tank so we can continue doing ministry. And we'll say thank you for joining the support team by sending the book, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. It might be a great gift for somebody in your sphere of influence. Donate today, get the book, and the details are in the show notes.

And then maybe like Peggy Sue, your marriage has been on the ropes or perhaps you've got a strained relationship with a child because of a divorce or the circumstances that left you as a single mom. Give us a call. Our caring Christian counselors here.

Boy, they're heart forward and they're going to listen to you. They're going to hear your story, offer some insight. They'll pray with you. They could point you to some resources. And our counseling services are made available by generous donors. So it's a free phone consultation that we'll schedule for you. 800 the letter A in the word family. Call that number to schedule something right away. Again, 800 the letter A in the word family.

More with Peggy Sue and Pam next time. They'll be talking about the challenges that happen when you stuff your emotions. For now, I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

How do you and your spouse connect spiritually? Would you like to be closer? Focus on the Family invites you to listen to the Loving Well podcast. Season 8 just released, and your hosts, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, share insights and humor from their own marriage of over 30 years. And they'll offer you practical ideas to strengthen your marriage by focusing on God.

Listen, follow, and grow together with the Loving Well podcast. You'll find it at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash Loving Well.