Sorting Through Conflict with Your Teen
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If you've got teenagers, there's going to be conflict. It's just a given. And if that's you right now, listen in. We've got some hopeful insights for you. I'm John Fuller, joined by Dr. Danny Huerta, who's in charge of the parenting team here. And Danny, sometimes our teens might surprise us with the why behind a conflict. It's sort of like, are you kidding me? That's right. Yeah, there's certainly disagreements that come up there, and sometimes more so with certain teens than others.

There's some that are much more opinionated, much more strong-willed. Then you have some that are very compliant and rule followers. You have a great relationship with them. So it's not every teen. And so I want to encourage a parent that has, maybe it's almost to the teen years and has a good relationship with a teenager. It's not always a bad thing. And it's not always conflict all the time either. I love having teenagers. Oh, man. I have loved raising teenagers. But I do remember a surprise for me was with

with my daughter Lexi in her teen years when she began to change her clothing type of decisions. And it was based off of wanting to be a part, belong, right, with her peers. And man, I didn't know. I was not planning on that happening. She was the girl that at third, fourth grade, fifth grade, she would just dress however she wanted to. There were a couple of times where

mismatched and she looked great mismatched and I was going man that's cute she's just doing her own thing in high school she started to go shopping and wanted to wear clothes that were more trendy and

And I said, hey, honey, you're communicating something by the way you dress. You're saying they were immodestly trendy. Well, they weren't fully immodestly, but they were getting close to that. And so we were going shopping and I could tell it was hard to choose certain clothing. So I'd say, hey, what about this one? And we started to go back and forth.

on the conversation of what would be modest and what's not, and how do you come up with that? You know, those are great questions. She said, well, how do we know that right above the knee is, or this many inches? Nowhere in the Bible does it talk about that. And I was not expecting any of these conversations. And it wasn't that she was hoping to have super short things or anything like that, but she said, how did you come up with your lines? How did those boundaries come up? Reasonable questions, yeah. Great question.

I said, honey, I just, I really want you to be, to attract a contributor, not a consumer of you. And there's certain clothes that begin to communicate certain things. And so it was, it really challenged me as to the why behind the boundaries that I had and how I was going to articulate those. It was good. It was good. It was a great intersection between my daughter and I. And, you know, parents find themselves now in,

On the smartphone conversation that they did not expect to have or video gaming or marijuana. And those can be super tough conversations. A real common one with teens is helping around the house. Oh, yes. That's one that goes by the wayside for many parents. They go, hey, you know, you saw a bunch of dishes there.

What happened? Can you be helping out or taking the trash out? Just common everyday things. And so as parents, it can be fun, but it can be frustrating and stressful trying to adjust to the differences and the new things that come up with our teams. As you were sharing about Lexi's clothing choices, I was thinking about

Yes. These conflicts kind of come out of nowhere and they catch me flat footed. I mean, we had six kids that we raised through the teens and I was amazed. It was sort of like, are you kidding me right now? You want to talk about that? No. And just move on. But I'm trying to stay one step ahead. Ooh, it can be so challenging. That's why I think you're really going to enjoy this conversation with Jody Berndt.

She is a prayerful, strong woman, and she spoke with Jim Daly on his show, Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, about how to respond well when things aren't going so well with your teen. The other thing is it sets the right expectation.

And speaking of that, let's get to that parent-teen conflict area. I think, you know, as you're growing as a parent, of course, we all have, I think it's healthy to have that trauma when the hospital person puts that little baby in your arms. It's okay, you can go home now. You're going, wait a minute, what? Wait a minute, are you coming with me? Where's the manual? What do I do now? I don't, you know, Jean and I felt like that with Trent. We're like, we don't know what to do.

And boom, you're on your way home. And now it starts rolling. And it's pretty good in the early years. Things go normally. He likes to follow you around the house and go to work with you. And daddy, let's play catch. And all those things are going along. Then there's something that happens, some kind of dust happens.

comes over their room. It's called teenager. And then they get up and go, I don't really feel like doing that. They start having their own opinions and playing with friends that maybe you didn't pick, all of that. Yep. It's the one word answers. I didn't have the benefit of girls, but John, you can describe the teen girl behavior. They're a breeze. They're a breeze. Darn it. But let's speak to that conflict area

Which, to a degree, is probably inevitable. It's probably natural. Yeah. It's probably healthy that the separation begins. But now it puts us on a whole other parenting journey about trust, hope, faith, future. All of that. And you're right. You say it's probably healthy. I think it is healthy that...

In fact, my friend Lisa Robertson used to always say, as your teens get closer and closer to the time they're going to leave your nest, whether it's for a job or college or whatever, she says they can really begin to become a butt. Right.

How do you spell that? B-U-T-T. Yes. And she said, but that's God's way sometimes of beginning to separate you, to be able to allow you to relinquish them, to release them. But it is so hard, as you say. You want to be able to control who they're with, what they say, what they do, all of that. And we can't always do that. So in that point of conflict, a real practical question, in that point of conflict where that first 13-year-old

thing happens, the attitude flares. What are the things we need to think about as parents? And really, thankfully, a young parent can listen to this and go, okay, my child's only nine. So we're equipping them to say, here's how you're going to want to think about that moment of conflict. Yeah. Well, and there will be. And for what that's right there, knowing that there will be, I think is freeing for parents because you don't have to think, oh, no. You're not a failure. You're not a failure and you're not alone and this is normal. Right.

Okay. And also for parents listening, you're going to be hearing, at least I did, you are the strictest parents in the whole school or in the whole neighborhood, whatever it is, because our rules, our family guidelines, whatever you call it, won't always match up with everyone else. Everyone parents differently. And so as you get this sort of

your teens wanting to kind of walk outside that boundary, I think two things can really help us as parents. Of course, we want to keep them safe and we want to intervene when there's a dangerous situation. And should. And should. And should. But having humility and having trust, I think, are the two things that can help preserve your relationship with your teen. Humility to consider that

You might not always be right, you know, that sometimes you need to take whatever this issue is to the Lord or if you're married to your spouse because they can be kind of a level setter. Robbie certainly was for me because I would be freaking out about something. And that's a good thing, the two of you working together. It is such a good thing, yes.

And then the second thing, in addition to that humility to recognize that we're all navigating this journey. We might not have all the answers as parents, but then trust too, to trust that God is our backstop. He is there. He knows. He gets it. And He will see us through.

Oh, Danny, so there's this problem I have, and Jodi addressed it, and it's our need for humility. Begin with humility when there's a conflict or misunderstanding, especially with teenagers, because their minds are going, and they're going to find us be hypocritical.

So humility, how do I as a parent start with humility, not get kind of shamed or backed into it reluctantly? And yeah, it's a wonderful step forward with humility. If you bring that to the mix, to that invitation with your teen, you're bringing the right thing into the party there with your teen. And that is you begin with listening instead of just spouting out your opinion and your assumptions and your thoughts. You listen first. Hey, help me understand. Help me understand.

Help me know you better right now. Validating the fact that they have certain desires, wants, goals, anxieties that are floating underneath those behaviors. And so you want to explore that. Humility gives you curiosity.

about the other person rather than trying to look at your own needs there. And that is, but it's inconvenient. I just want you to obey me. I just want you to listen to me. Guilty, guilty, guilty of thinking of all that. And so humility means I'm going to take into account that you're different than me. You have a desire that you're pursuing and I want to respect that.

Doesn't mean I'm going to say yes. Doesn't mean that I'm just going to go with it. It means I'm listening first. Philippians 2, and I love this, John, it says in verse 4, let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. And this is talking about humility and the fact that many times we have a selfish ambition. And as parents, we've got that.

We want to make sure everything is comfortable and good and right. But in those moments of correction and guidance and adversity and difficulty, that's when you find the most growth, either in your relationship or in the other person. And so why would we avoid those? Because they're inconvenient. They're tiring. They can be stressful. They can stretch us. They can make us think carefully about why we put boundaries there. Step into those. And if you step in with humility, you're going to see your eyes and ears open up

And you begin to connect with your teen. If they feel heard and validated, they do get the guidance that you're giving. Not always perfectly where they go, okay, that's fantastic. You just told me to not go with my friends to do this. What you're doing is you're validating the emotion below the surface. You're acknowledging, hey, I know you want to go with your friends. I know these guys are important to you. And tonight you've got certain responsibilities that need to be done. And yeah.

And this is the deadline, right? I mean, this is when you were supposed to have them done. So unfortunately, tonight's not the night, but I get it. You want to do that. Let's figure out how you can have more time with those friends. That's such a reasonable way to approach things. And you're really respecting them when you lead with humility and that curiosity and that conversational tone that you just mentioned.

displayed for us. One of the best ways probably to begin a conflict is with prayer. Or to help prevent conflict is with prayer. And Jody Berndt, whom we heard from, has written a great book called Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens. This is a fantastic resource. It's got prayers from the scripture that are applicable to so many different situations. And we're offering this great little book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens,

to you today for a donation of any amount to the Ministry of Focus on the Family. Support this show, help us help other parents, and we'll send the book to you. You can make a monthly pledge or a one-time gift when you call our number, 800-A-FAMILY. Of course, we've got details in the show notes. And we're also going to have there a link to a free article called

hard prayers to pray for your kids. You're going to be encouraged to be more honest with God about whatever your teen is dealing with after you read this article. And we're linking to that in the show notes. You're going to hear more from Jody Burnt next time. For now, I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

How do you and your spouse connect spiritually? Would you like to be closer? Focus on the Family invites you to listen to the Loving Well podcast. Season 8 just released, and your hosts, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, share insights and humor from their own marriage of over 30 years. And they'll offer you practical ideas to strengthen your marriage by focusing on God.

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