Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Well, thanks for joining us today. We're going to address the difficult subject of how to pray for your child, your son or daughter, when they struggle with suicidal thoughts. Now, many parents have been in that spot. Please know there's hope and help for you here today. I'm John Fuller, joined by Dr. Danny Huerta, who leads our parenting team. And we're going to kick off with part of a conversation from Focus on the Family president, Jim Daly.
He spoke with Jody Berndt, who has written a terrific guide on praying for your teen. And they'll talk about this. And then later, they'll offer thoughts on praying for a son or a daughter who has walked away from God. In that regard, probably the most difficult part of this conversation with teens is suicidal ideation and those deep what-ifs. We've got a great resource for parents, for youth pastors, for coaches, for
Live to Thrive. It's free. If you want to be informed about teen suicidal ideation, get a hold of us. We'll get it to you for free. We'd love to see the resource fly out of focus on the family because this is actually saving people's lives. But speak to that environment of self-harm and suicide. What do parents need to know and how do we engage that if we have...
Probably the biggest question is we think we might suspect something, but we don't act on it. And oh my goodness, parents that grieve that. And I thank you so much for the resources you provide because those things are difference makers because we don't know what to do. We don't even know what's going on sometimes. And because of...
what we see in the news, the statistics we hear, we can find ourselves a little ball of worry and fear. And that's not how God wants us to live. He wants us to trade that panic for peace. And one of the ways we do that is by praying for discernment, for wisdom. You know, Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20, he says, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you. And we can say that to the Lord. We can say, I don't know what to do. I don't know what my child is thinking anymore.
But you're the God who searches hearts. You weigh motives. You know, Lord. So would you show me? And then also we can take comfort in knowing that the Holy Spirit is praying for us and he's praying with us, right? That Romans 8, when we don't know how to pray, we know the Holy Spirit is interceding. Sometimes with words that, you know, groans that words can't even express.
I love knowing that. And we did have kids very close to us go through that self-harm and that suicide. And I just, you feel so powerless because you don't know what's going through their mind. And yet you can turn to the Lord who does know and you can say, show me, open my eyes, let me know how much you love this child, this person, show me how to pray and show me if there are ways that I need to speak up. Pray for God to open opportunities. He will. Yeah.
Jody, in the book, you describe a family situation that you were in with your daughter. And I so appreciate that vulnerability. And you have her permission to talk about it. So all those bases are covered. But this is the real nitty gritty. Your daughter was kind of a little bit on the party side and doing things that I'm sure you and Robbie were like, what?
Probably having pillow talk like, if we were better parents, she wouldn't be doing these things. I get it. Yeah. Teens were hard for me. I knew my kids were Christians and I was expecting it to be fun because I honestly, I think teenagers are a ton of fun.
but when they're your teenagers and they're making decisions. And in fact, this story, if somebody's reading the book, it is Virginia is the one it's about. And her name is not mentioned because at the time she was a teen and I'm writing this and I did not want to out any of my kids. So she's called Isabel. But since then, she's given me permission to call her Virginia and tell her story. And she was a child who loved life. She still loves life. John 10, 10 is her favorite verse. Oh, there you go.
I love it. I got to meet her. Yeah, you do have to meet her. You chew two peas in a pod. She lives big. And so she knew the Lord, loved Jesus, but was full on into the social world and the party world. And she would say to me, you know, "Mom, it's going to be fine when all the kids come to our house. They know we're a Christian house. We do Young Life. We do all this stuff."
And it wouldn't be fine. And it would be kids bringing in the alcohol and hiding it. And Robbie and I are home. We see parents who aren't home, right? And you think things go. But we thought we were super on it. And this is happening right there. And I was just kind of devastated. And I began to pray a prayer that all my kids hate. It's from Numbers, I think, 23. Or no, Numbers 32. I get that back. Right.
Be sure your sin will find you out. And so I would pray, Lord, if they're doing anything wrong, expose them. And what I will say to parents who pray that, that their kids will get caught, be ready for the consequences because there will be consequences. It's easier sometimes. Darrell Bock That's a brave prayer. Jennifer It's a brave prayer. Darrell Bock But a good one. Jennifer And anyway, in Virginia's case, she just kept coming up against...
hard things like she would get rear-ended on the way to school, which wasn't her fault, but then she would rear-end someone else, which was her fault. Or she would just, one thing after the other, to where she just looked at me when she said,
I wonder if God's trying to get my attention. And I said, well, maybe he is, Virginia. And as we're praying about it, and I love the ministry Young Life for teens. And they agreed to take her as a high schooler on their work crew in the summer, knowing exactly how she was being. They said, just send her to us. We get it.
And she came home from that time, and she painted herself a little sign and hung it in her room, and it said, two feet in. She said, I'm done leaving one foot in the world and one foot in Scripture. I need to put both feet in. And I would say, Robbie told on Virginia at her rehearsal dinner, you know, you expect the groomsman to tell the bad stories, right? Well, not the father of the bride. But he did. He told a story that I won't repeat now, but it was a story of...
And I will say to any parent listening who's going, all right, my kid is amazing.
so social, they're off the charts. My child struggles with anger and self-control. Whatever those negative character traits are that we can spot in some of our kids. You said it earlier as we were talking, sometimes you get this easy teen kid. And Ansley, if you're listening, thanks for being an easy teenager. We love you. We love you. But sometimes it's trickier. And I will say that every one of those attributes or character traits are
has that flat side, that ugly side, but it also has a good side. Like Virginia's, you know, one foot in the world, one foot in God. She now lives in New York City and she is magnetic at drawing people to Christ because she knows how to operate in a secular world.
She's fully committed to Christ, but she's using that gift. My son Robbie, we've talked before, he dealt with anger and passion and lack of self-control. God used all of those things to make him a college athlete because he was quick and he was passionate and speedy to respond. And those things came together athletically. And once God brought his
passion's under control, you'd never know that now. He's a gentle, wonderful man. The only caveat I would have is that keep your eye on the quiet one, the compliant one. Absolutely. Because usually they're down the list in birth order. They've learned how to not be obvious about their... Ansley watched. Ansley watched, I'll tell you. But we did have to keep our eye on them. You're right. You've got to keep a little bit of an eye on there. They may be really good, but you never know. You never know. But that's great. That's really good advice.
Well, we covered a couple of big topics in that clip, Danny. And what an encouraging story about Jodi's daughter, Virginia. I loved how she started that. She started with some of the positives of that personality trait. So is there anybody you've been praying for or that you've seen praying for a child? And it takes years and years, but eventually there's a course correction? I've seen that in my practice several times, actually. And
And I'm thinking about two specific ones where the parents were at their wit's end. I mean, they were just going, what do we do? Our son, both of them were sons, were struggling with a variety of mental health issues, but then rebelliousness and self-medication and peer pressure. And they had become young adult men at that time. And as they prayed, it was fascinating to see
To see God's work in them over a course of time where they had low points and they knew to come back to them and to counseling. And in that process, they rediscovered their relationship with God. And those two have been very memorable for me as a counselor, seeing that process of how God patiently...
worked in their heart and also used the people around them to speak life into them, to patiently walk with them in these times, but also put firm boundaries in their life. And I'll say that these boys, these young men now,
have become professionals, are pursuing God imperfectly, but they're pursuing God and have refound that relationship with God in great ways. I'm excited to see that. It is possible. I believe the prayer is what made the difference. Yeah. And there's no guarantee that these things happen in our timeframe. Right.
It's important to say, John, God's timing is always perfect, and sometimes it can be decades. Yeah, yeah. I know a dad who says the story's not over. Yes. And I think that's a good, hopeful, reasonably, realistically, spiritually, realistically perspective. And it might be that you have a child who has wandered from God, is not walking with God, and you are kind of short these days on how to pray. Right.
get a copy of Jody Byrne's book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens. What I love about this book is that it is scripture converted into prayers for you. Jody has kind of framed them and collected them, and you just need to open the book and pray God's word. And there's not a promise that it all turns out the way you want it to, but there is certainly a promise that God's word will not return void and that he will return.
listen to the prayers, the heartfelt prayers of his saints. So get a copy of the book. We've got details in the show notes. And it might be that right now you're feeling a need to talk to somebody, but you're not quite sure who you can talk to about what your teen or young adult is going through. If that's the case, call us and ask to speak with one of our caring Christian counselors. They can be reached when you call 800-A-FAMILY.
800-232-6459. And of course, we'll have details about getting in contact with the counselor in the show notes as well. Next time, we'll hear an upbeat conversation with Christy Clover about involving your kids in chores. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.
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