Trauma That Occurs in Many Single Parent Homes
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Today on the show, we'll be examining some of the common struggles that single parent families face. I'm John Fuller, along with our Vice President of Parenting, Dr. Danny Huerta. And Danny, what are some of the common things that single parents face kind of behind the curtain in private that we don't necessarily know about?

Well, first of all, they don't have somebody to come off the bench, right, John? I mean, when things are getting, either you're tired as a parent or things are, you know, you've lost your emotional top. You can't call someone in on that. And that can be exhausting. Parenting can be exhausting. And so that's one of them. The other one is financial stress.

The reality that a single parent household has a tremendous amount of financial pressure is very true. The other one is when there is co-parenting, communication, custody issues, different parenting styles, that can create a whole nother dynamic that is very, very stressful. And for single parents, I consistently hear balancing work with being relational, both of them take different parts of me, different parts of my energy. Yeah.

It is very, very difficult for a parent to come home after all the work and then pour into their kids very intentionally and also take care of the house, take care of dinner and putting everything together for the kids and getting them to bed. By the time they...

They are going to bed. They just feel spent. I feel spent as you described it. Yeah. It's a tough one. And then discipline. Discipline takes energy. It takes focus. It takes wisdom. And you have to pause and think. And when you have all these things pouring in on you, it is a known fact from brain studies that it's hard to make decisions when you have so much pressing on you, so many different things distracting your brain.

It takes extra energy. And many times I know single parents go, well, I'll just deal with that later. And it begins to accumulate. Yeah. Well, last time we talked about hope and having fun in your family as a single parent. Today, we're going to go into some of the struggles and some of the trauma that occurs.

that leads to a single family situation. From Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we have an excerpt here for you. Jim Daly talked with Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells, and last time they spoke about Pam's father being an alcoholic and how that impacted her and how her parents' marriage ultimately fell apart as a result of that. The other component of that, as I read the book, was he also said you can medicate.

But I'm not going to write a prescription. Right. He would not write a prescription. That is big. Yes. Because I think too few doctors in today's culture would refuse the medication. Right. Which sobered her up. He's like, I said, you could become numb. You could become numb, but you wouldn't be a good parent then either. Yeah. Yeah. Like he was really watching out for us kids. That was amazing, I thought. He's a great doctor. I thought that was really good. And Pam, that, I mean, my heart goes out to you. I mean, that oldest daughter getting that phone call, you bore all the responsibility. Yeah.

Trying to be the stable one in the household that was chaotic. No, I get it. I mean, I was the youngest of five. But that burden, you are an adult child. That's what that environment creates out of you. Yes. To which people go, oh, yeah, okay, so God equipped you to be an author and a successful writer.

speaker with your husband. And I remember doing some counseling with Jean and the people were like, oh yeah, that's a tough life, Jim, but it gave you the tools to be CEO focused. Now let's move over to Jean. I'm going, wait a minute, wait a minute. I want some sympathy here. Can we unpack this just a little bit more? You have to make decisions earlier. You become either broken or responsible. And

And for those that are able to grow up responsibly in that, the other thing is you learn not to do what they did. Exactly. I'm sure that was your experience too. Mine too. I'm not going to become what my father was, who was also an alcoholic. Exactly. So you learn from it if you can, if you have the wisdom, and then you have to decide how you don't

you know, kind of carry the burden of that too. What was key about what you said is that you have to make the decision not to do those patterns. And that's where part of the book title, 10 Best Decisions, is because a single mom and the children, when that relationship splits, it's a trauma. And then her brain, the thinking part of the brain goes offline and we go into trauma mode. And trauma mode is fight, flight, freeze, or please. Right.

And you're in that. So you're reacting. You're not responding. And so there's no way to get out of that except to have someone either help you or walk through some steps or something where you can finally trigger your brain to come back online and start thinking again. And so with the book, we said, let's take you through some very important steps. Follow these. Walk with us. And then as you go through this, pretty soon you're going to be thinking again.

and you'll be able to make those decisions. Because that's a lot of times you'll look at a single mom, you're watching her wife, life, you're watching her behavior and you're like, what is she thinking? And then you see the children that are down at the principal's office on a regular basis because of their behavior. And everybody's saying, what are they thinking? And it's because they're not thinking it's impossible. They can't, they're in trauma brain. And so she's reacting and children, the only way they can show they have a broken heart is through their behavior.

And so they're not bad kids. They're kids with a broken heart. That's a very good point. I think this is good for the listeners and the viewers to connect with where you're coming from. And so I appreciate that vulnerability. Well, Danny, wow, you're a counselor. React to Peggy Sue's statement about kids who...

sometimes express a broken heart through bad behavior? I mean, I get it, I understand it to some degree, but how common is that and what does it look like? Well, it totally makes sense. I mean, really behaviors come from emotions and thoughts that have interacted together behind the scenes. And when you go behind that, there's this belief in a perception that's there. And when a child's in a single parent home,

they're assuming sometimes that they either can, that someone's not an authority or is not available or the world is not predictable or trustworthy. There's so many different perceptions and beliefs that can be formed. And there's a general feeling potentially of distrust and

that initiates that ripple effect towards behaviors. And so they take it upon themselves to manage whatever feeling they have, these emotions and thoughts in whatever way they feel like doing. They don't have the emotional tool set to manage such big emotions and big thoughts and big challenges.

And so without that tool set, they go to whatever is available to them in that moment. And generally it's to get whatever they're wanting or needing. So it makes sense that they are at least trying to get what they want and need. Yeah. They just haven't learned how to do it in a healthy way. They're not doing it appropriately and they may not even have the language to put to those emotions, right? And it may be driven by certain emotions that haven't been dealt with.

And maybe there's angst or there's anger. Yeah. Or there's sadness that they don't know how to express. And it's just coming out in this moodiness. Yeah. Yeah, I was talking to a single mom I know, and she's got a son who's now an adult. And he's really a troubled soul. He's trying his best to do well in life, but he's got this trauma in the past that he can't seem to deal with. And so it feels like he's stuck way back there. Mm-hmm.

And because he hasn't been able to process those, as you call them, big emotions and those thoughts and those beliefs, here he is as an adult kind of hampered. He limps pretty significantly in relationships because of distrust and because of dissatisfaction and a belief that I'm not good enough.

So this is the kind of thing that really requires some help. It does. I'm so glad that we have our counseling team here at Focus. You were part of that. I'm sure you dealt with a lot of single parents and their kids. Oh, yeah. I mean, young kids, it's a big one. Parents will say, man, all of a sudden they're having trouble at school. They were so sweet before, and now they're starting to answer back, or they've been breaking things. And so this is the five, six, seven, eight, nine-year-old range. Mm-hmm.

you see some big behaviors and they just don't have the ability to put words to those. And so as a parent, if you know something has happened and you're a single parent, things have kind of blown up really in the house, validate that and say, man, it is tough, isn't it? It's tough where we're at. Instead of reacting to the behaviors, go to what the reality is, validating why that you're seeing those behaviors. Then deal with that. Hey, let's find some other ways.

To deal with those big emotions you're feeling. Yeah. And I know it could seem like we're making it sound easy, but we know it's not. And so Focus is here. We've been here for 47 plus years. And as I said, we have a counseling team that would really, it'd be a privilege for them to talk to you for at least...

20 minutes, 30 minutes to give you some hope, some next steps to help you understand kind of some of the dynamics that are going on. Each situation is so complex. Yeah. Yeah. So please allow us the privilege of serving you or that single parent you know with a free consultation. Our donor community makes it possible for you to access these counselors and their wisdom. And we're a phone call away. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family,

And of course, we'll have a link to further details in the show notes as well. And if you can be a donor, consider a monthly pledge of any amount and sustain this ministry on an ongoing basis. Support the show and the ministry that does so much to help families thrive in Christ. And when you make that monthly pledge of any amount, we'll send you the book by Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells called The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make.

That's really an excellent resource. And you can get details about how to donate and get the book online or when you call that toll-free number. Well, next time, we'll hear about the importance of praying for your teenagers. We'll hear from Jodi Berndt. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller. Thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

How do you and your spouse connect spiritually? Would you like to be closer? Focus on the Family invites you to listen to the Loving Well podcast. Season 8 just released, and your hosts, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, share insights and humor from their own marriage of over 30 years. And they'll offer you practical ideas to strengthen your marriage by focusing on God.

Listen, follow, and grow together with the Loving Well podcast. You'll find it at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash Loving Well.