When a Teenager is Acting Up
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So, Danny, some years ago, somebody at church was talking to a mutual friend and they said, I wish my kids were like the Fuller's children. And the implication was the Fuller's children never misbehave, which was so out of the box wrong. I mean, I think at the time, one of my kids was sneaking out of the house at night that we didn't know about. And another one was trying to bypass, successfully did so, by the way, bypass the filters on the home Wi-Fi.

So kids are going to act out. And what are you going to do about this? I'm John Fuller, joined by Dr. Danny Huerta, who leads the parenting team and by extension then has perfect children who never acted out. Absolutely. So Danny, what do you do when you find out your children is misbehaving? Let's say your teenager is misbehaving. How do you handle that?

Well, I mean, it is frustrating. It triggers your emotions. I mean, it's natural to have a reaction to your kids misbehaving because it feels like it's an extension of you. I must have done something wrong or misbehaving, but we're raising human beings that need shaping and they're not born shapen and they are bound to make some poor decisions. And we've talked on the show before, John, that we make an estimated 30%.

35,000 decisions a day. 35,000? 35,000 decisions. That could be the episode title. 35,000 decisions today. It's bound to go wrong somewhere. Yes, yes. And our teens are driven by emotions, by all kinds of other desires that they've got. And in the moment, there's impulsivity on top of that. So they're going to make decisions on the go. And my kids have said this. I've heard many teens say, I probably shouldn't have done that.

And they think after the fact. That's a very good sign when a teen is able to say that. I probably shouldn't have done that. It shows that they know what they should have done or they could have done, but they chose differently in their self-correcting.

the more you can praise that and go, man, yeah, you noticed that. Super good. Super good. Now let's try to get that ahead of the action. Let's work on that one. Because with teens, if you bring humor, if you bring a teachable moment in the moment instead of just correcting and telling them they did something wrong,

They do want to own themselves well. Many times it's an impulsive decision that they've done. Right there. That was golden, that answer. And we have more for you. The show's not over. We're going to turn now to a conversation from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. In his show, Jim spoke with Jody Berndt about how to pray when your child misbehaves, and prayer is always a good place to start.

Jodi, welcome back. Thank you so much. Part two. Part two. Of clearing your mind of the problems about raising teens. That wasn't quite the title, but let's kick it off here and we're going to get into a lot of great things. So I hope you can stick with us if you're watching or listening. Just some of the difficulties of raising teenagers and what is God trying to teach everybody in the process? Not just the teen, but you as the parent.

Which is sometimes hard for the Lord to get through to us. Absolutely. He's actually trying to teach us something. One thing that really, as I've interviewed great parenting experts, one thing that's becoming clearer and clearer for me, and especially raising two boys myself along with Gene, is this idea of behavior control, behavior modification, trying to get the right behavior at all costs versus trying to shape a heart that's for God.

That's really two different things. Can you speak to that? And behavior to me is like wanting to feel like a good parent. Doesn't my child behave well at Walmart? Absolutely. Doesn't my child behave well at the PTA? We all want that. Yeah. Oh, my child is so good. And people just say that.

But so often we know that the outcomes for that child can be very drastic when they leave home and go to college for the first time and they have no parental boundaries. It can be a disaster. So speak to that idea of shaping the heart rather than looking for behavioral outcome.

Well, I love that. And I do think there's a lot of truth there. And when our kids are little, we do want to shape their behaviors and put those gutters in place, those boundaries, whatever. But as they grow and develop their own identity and their own character and their own opinions, of course, sometimes they look like what we want and sometimes they don't.

And that's where I tell parents, don't talk to your child about God nearly as much as you talk to God about your child. That's so good. Because we know God is the only one who has access to our hearts, right? We can model that. What did they say? The term greenhouse set an environment in which faith and character can flourish, right?

But at the end of the day, it's God who works that change in us and in our children. So I think, again, that's where prayer comes in as we talk to God about our kids, but then too, modeling it. If we want our child to be able to have self-control, we need to model self-control.

And to praise, I say we want to praise our kids for their attitudes more than their accomplishments. You know, not everybody can be the varsity quarterback. Not everybody can be the valedictorian. Those are great accomplishments, but every child can have character. Every child can be kind, can be selfless.

And those are greater accomplishments. And so that's where I would encourage parents, yes, praise for the achievements and accomplishments your kids do, but as you try to shape their heart in as much as it's up to us, and again, it's up to the Lord, but

But I think it's as we praise them when we see evidences of those character traits beginning to flourish. I think that's a beautiful thing. Yeah. And I love that reminder that modeling it is probably the most effective way to see it grow in your children. You know, what do they say? More is caught than taught. And boy, is that true. It's so true. And it's so difficult for us to, you know, be perfect.

You know, it kind of is, isn't it? We want to be, but I haven't hit that yet. That's for sure. No, but again, my friend Lisa Robertson, she used to say, it's a good thing I'm not perfect, she'd say to her kids when they'd say, Mom, you know, she'd say, because then you'd be tempted to worship me. And I want you to worship God. Oh, that's a good conversation. Isn't that a good comeback? I like that. I like that.

Well, Danny, I think most of us can benefit from Jody's point about letting our kids see our humanity. They see it. They know we're not perfect. So it's good for us to kind of confess that I'm short in this area. I'm deficient. And I've been thinking about it. And maybe it's because I brought some stuff into my adulthood from when I was your age. Is that helpful? Is it a good thing to kind of bench line? You got to be careful with this one, John. Yeah, it is.

Because some kids will actually use it against their parents down the road. And sometimes we use it as an excuse and say, well, you got to do that. Why can't I do that? Or if you're correcting a mistake, hey, you made a bunch of mistakes. Why can't I make mistakes? So you want to make sure the relationship's in the right place, that it's good timing. You have to seek wisdom as to when you're going to self-disclose certain things and to what extent.

It's not a confession time, as we said here, right? It's a time of sharing with purpose. It's a story that's going to be helpful for the growth of your teen in a moment where they need that kind of parable type of deal. But with your life being the part of that parable where you had a shortcoming, it can open up the conversation.

But it can also be used as a weapon, emotional, relational weapon against you if the relationship's not in a good spot or if it gets there. So be ready for that. And as you're sharing, you don't have to go into a bunch of detail to provide the story that's needed for the moment. And if you feel the need to self-disclose something that's pretty big...

around sexual issues or other things with your teen, make sure you seek some advice from a mentor first. Run it through another person and you don't have to do it right in the moment. There can be that impulse to say, hey, I've got a story for that. I want to share that. Maybe it'll be helpful. Seek some wisdom first. Make sure it's going to be shaped in a good way that's going to be helpful for the growth of the child rather than you just wanting to share because it feels better and then you're not hiding something. It's

It's, yeah, this is for the growth of my child. It's not for me. Yeah. And going back to what Jody was saying, this is something to pray about before you disclose it. What might that prayer sound like, Danny? Yeah. Lord, give me wisdom. I want to share purposefully a transformed life with my teen. Please help.

Help me to do that well, and Lord, speak through me to my child. Because God wants to do that, and He can speak through stories. We've seen that all through Scripture. He can speak through your story and through your words. Ask Him to take the wheel on that one. Yeah, that's great. I appreciate that. Well, reach out if you need some further coaching in having these types of conversations with your child, especially a teen.

If you're not sure about what to disclose, well, first talk to the Lord. And if you need to talk to somebody and you're not quite sure who in your sphere would be safe, give us a call because we're safe. God has enabled Focus on the Family for 48 years now to be meeting needs, and we have a terrific team of caring Christian counselors.

It'd be a privilege for us to talk to you. Call today, and we'll schedule a time for them to give you a call back and kind of process what's going on and give you some encouragement. Our number is 800-letter-A in the word family, 800-232-6459, and we'll have that number in the show notes as well. And regardless of the age of your kids, Jodi's book is terrific. It's called Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens.

We're making that available for a gift of any amount to the work of Focus on the Family. So donate generously today as you can, either a monthly pledge or a one-time gift, and request that book, Pray in the Scriptures for Your Teens. Details are in the show notes. We'll continue hearing more from Jodi next time, and of course, from Dr. Danny Huerta. On behalf of Danny and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Culture is changing so fast. How should Christians respond? At our next Lighthouse Voices event, you'll hear from John Stonestreet with the Colson Center. We live in what is called a civilizational moment. Civilizations ebb and flow, and we are at a pivotal moment. I think a lot of us have felt that existentially for a long time. Learn how to face this moment with clarity, confidence, and courage.

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