When Should I Give My Kids a Phone?
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This is one of the biggest questions that parents are asking themselves, Danny, and that is, when should I get my child a smartphone? And I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta, who leads our parenting team. Now, we told our youngest he could not have a phone until he could buy a phone. And my mistaken assumption was you have to have a plan, a monthly plan, and he didn't have enough income when he was 11 or 12, so he couldn't buy a phone.

But he did find that you can buy phones. You don't need to buy them tethered to a plan at discount stores. And so he found siblings who had old phones lying around that they didn't use. He found stores that would sell him a phone. And he found Wi-Fi much sooner than I was hoping. More creative. He is a problem solver. He's really good at solving problems, although sometimes his solutions aren't the best.

Now, this is a difficult thing. And there's no one size fits all. But you've done so much research and study of this. You've counseled so many people. What's your take on kids and phones? Well, the question I ask parents is, why does your child need a smartphone? There's an angst that somehow children are going to get behind socially, emotionally, relationally, or even technologically.

in the age today if they don't have something like that, if they're not savvy around technology. But really, there's a natural, it's been created so natural that we can catch up super fast as humans. And you experienced that in your family? Yes. Because you drew a pretty firm line and your kids are now beyond the teen years. Yes, and they're doing very, very well. Okay. With technology, there are tech people in our home. And I've seen this over and over with families that it doesn't take long. You can see a toddler growing

start to understand how to use a phone. And you can see 90-year-olds pick it up pretty easily because it's been designed, crafted in a way that our brain will just naturally flow into it and learn it quickly and be attracted to it. And so with us in our home, we drew a strong line, not in a way that was just authoritarian where it's rules are rules. You were depressive about it. Yeah. We talked about it, had very, very clear discussions that there's a big impact

on the family and on them individually, on them socially. There's money involved in this and very real amounts of addiction that go with this. So we had some really good, strong conversations around things that we let into our home, into their lives as parents.

What makes us loving is putting the right boundaries with our kids and letting them know it's really not about your happiness. I remember taking one of their cousins, one of my nieces, on a trip with us, and she had free rent on the phone. And I told her, when we're on this trip, I really want you to be interactive. We're going to be at this family camp.

There's not going to be phones. Very, very limited. And you can tell she had a very... All of a sudden, I became the enemy. Even though what I wanted for her was a full experience at this camp and a lot of great things to do. And she kept trying to push the boundaries, much like an addict...

that needed to get the fix of the phone and now became angry because she didn't have that. It was an interesting dynamic that ensued between she and I, where I'd come up to her and just say, "Hey, how you doing?" And she wanted to talk less with me because I presented a blockade with her phone. And our nephew, he had his phone, he put it down, he said, "You know what? This actually feels better."

And he loved having that week and still remembers that. So you had a contrast right there. Yeah. So it's tricky for parents. It's tricky for us. This is a whole new issue that this generation is dealing with right now. Yeah, and it's not going to go away. It's not. So for that reason, we have Arlene Pelican teed up here for you.

She's the mom of three kids. She's delightful. She brings energy and enthusiasm. And she talked with Focus president Jim Daley about how she and her husband approached this complicated issue. Arlene, welcome back to Focus. It's great to be with you. I don't know if I should say my one is not a young adult yet. She is 14, but she would love the little boost. You look so much older. She acts like a young adult. She's very mature.

Well, that's good. Well, listen, we did talk about that last time you were on, and we mentioned our mutual affection for delaying phones. Yes. And probably the best advice we ever, Gene and I ever received was just put it off as long as possible. So, you know, Trent and Troy would say, hey, Dad, when are we going to get a phone? And I'd say, oh, yeah, let me talk to Mom about that. Six months would go by. That's right. Did you guys talk about that? Oh, not yet. Let me do that. And another six months would go by. That's right. So it really worked out. Yeah, it was a success.

It's like, boy, my parents are very forgetful. Forgetful old dad. What are we going to do? That's the easy way out, man. I just forgot for about 10 years. And it was good. They didn't pester us about it. So, you know, some children may be a little more insistent about that phone. But you did it. I mean, you delayed it. And now your kids are older since you were here with us last time.

How's it going? Yeah. And I'm telling you, if you will get a hold of that one thing, delay the smartphone until at least high school or later, if you can get there, you are going to be so much further ahead. But mom.

Then most people, it's like, I'm sorry. And then you just have to realize you're going to, my husband loves to say, you're going to pay the man. You're either going to pay him before or you're going to pay him after. So if you say, okay, fine, I will give you the phone because I can't handle it. Right? So that was easy. You did it, but you're going to pay later.

When your kid is a seventh grader, ninth grader, whatever it is, fourth grader, and you're like fighting over the phone all the time, then you're going to pay. Or you can pay first by saying, you know, we're going to do the hard road now. And we're going to say, child of mine, you're going to wait until 16. You're going to wait until high school. You're going to whatever that age is that you think, you know, I would suggest high school or later. And the social research is coming out to back that.

But whatever that thing is, you know, if you will hold on to that date, that's going to help you. No parent ever says, oh man, this phone is so awesome. I should have given this to you two years ago. You know, so we decided to wait all the way to the senior year in high school. Yeah. I mean, that's like, we really waited. So the senior year of high school, we say, would you like to have a phone? Shall we have this conversation?

And amazingly, so my son did not get it until in between, basically the summer before college is when he got the phone. And it was very funny because it was like-

He didn't even barely know it was there because he was so used to, that's what you're trying to do is the habit. He lost the first one. He lost the first. It was, we were backpacking in Yosemite and there it went down the river. And it was like, well, good thing you had my old one. Cause there, that one went, you know, the second one went into a cold plunge. It was in his pocket and went right in the cold plunge. And we're like, like, that's like an ice bath. And we're like, your phone is in your pocket. You know? So it's like, he doesn't even know. So honestly, your kids can grow up with these habits and,

that really will serve them in life. And it feels like you can't say no. For some parents, they're just, you know, ah. And I think to a degree, we were a bit like that. Trent was 17 and Troy was 15 because we just did it at the same time. We thought that would be unfair. We probably should have waited with Troy. But the point is this, that, you know, if you can do that one thing, that's great. Some parents didn't do that. They, you know, let them have it at 10, 11, 12. Yeah.

But we're going to talk this time and next time because we really want to get into this topic. But it's never too late when your kids are at home to really dial that back. And it's really critical for neuropathway development. There's so much. I just today was reading a news feed that said the surgeon general is going to require social media companies to put a warning on social media for children and their parents. It's like the sight of a cigarette pack.

I love the energy that Arlene brings every time we talk with her. Yeah. And Danny, good parents, as you expressed earlier, we don't want our kids to waste their time. So help me out. I've got a teenager with a phone always on it. How do I cut through that clutter and get them to understand I want the best for you and your best isn't glued to the phone? Yeah. And that's a big statement. Good parents don't want their kids to waste their time on their phones. I,

Sometimes, man, parents are tired. We're tired. And it is so easy. I see where you're going on this. It's so easy to say, well, I'm being a good parent by taking care of all the other responsibilities. And I give my child the phone for a little while. They can be on there. Give me a breather. Give me some space. You know, I get re-energized. I can get back in the game.

really a parent that is engaged, that is intentional, that has purpose to what they're doing, that makes them effective. And we're never going to be perfect

But when we look for conveniences in parenting, rarely does it land super well, especially in this area where there's so much influence through what we're seeing as convenient. There are other conveniences that are great that technology has brought. I mean, fantastic. I mean, just look at the creations, right? Microwaves, other things that have...

increased our conveniences, and those are fantastic. This one though has a direct impact on the soul, on the mind of your children, and it can divide homes. And we see in scripture, it talks about a division within homes. This has penetrated many homes.

and has created a dividing line. And so as parents, what we need to do, and probably imperfectly, is first of all, husband and wife line up. What are the boundaries? Why do we have them? Get clarity on that. And then talk about them often with your kids. Say, hey, these are lines, and this is why we've got these lines. And you'll know your kids the best around their personality, their developmental stage, their

the environment of the home, all of those things. What you want to keep in mind is, am I creating more parenting for myself down the road? Am I creating more heartaches for the future, me as a mom or dad? And is this the healthiest thing for my child? Is this the thing that's going to make them the happiest and most satisfied? It's more, is this the healthiest for my child and for our home right now? And if it's not,

How can I listen carefully and validate this desire, this deep desire for my child to feel a sense of belonging and connectedness and at the same time create a clear value line within our home? Yeah. And then stick with it and model it. Yeah, yeah. So like no phone at the dinner table is a house rule. Yes.

And so it's hard. I've got to put the phone down and make sure I'm not looking at it to say, oh, yeah, let's check the web to see what it says about that or see what the weather is. I just have to discipline myself.

I think the other rule that we've done fairly effectively is at nine o'clock, phone's on the kitchen counter. Boy, there's been resistance to that. And there've been a few times it's like, boy, the phone didn't get on the counter. What's that about? So you have to be able to take some heat and you have to set rules that you'll live by before you enforce them. That's a huge one, John. I mean, if as parents, you're staying on the phone 1030, 11 o'clock,

All they learn from that is as I get older, I'll be able to have the privilege of doing whatever I want with the phone instead of showing it as a healthy habit. Yeah, I love that approach. And that's what you're trying to show, healthy habits. Excellent. Well, thank you, Danny, for the insight. And we want to help you have thriving children. So get a copy of this book by Arlene Pelican, Screen Kids, Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World.

She wrote it with Dr. Gary Chapman and we'll send it your way for a donation of any amount to the ministry today. Support the show through a monthly pledge or one-time gift of any amount and we'll send the book. Details are in the show notes.

And then Danny has written a terrific article that captures his heart, as you've heard it right here. It's called, When Should My Child Get a Cell Phone? So you'll all be able to find that on the website, and the link is in the notes as well. And John, we have lots of great stage-specific resources, and there's a specific bucket, technology and entertainment. And so enjoy perusing all the different articles on the topics there.

that you most likely are facing as a parent with your teen, preteen, school-aged child, toddlers as well. Check out that content. Yeah, you and the team have done a great job of breaking things down by age or stage or both because there are seasons in a child's life and things are going to be different. And so get equipped, get real-time information where your kids are at on our website and

And thank you for that plug, Danny. Yeah. And next time, Christy Clover shares why overcommitting is really a pretty bad idea. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and our entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

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